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 |   My journey through (and beyond) the valley with Cancer as my companion. |
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Dear Friend: This is not a Blog about writing! (I already have one of those.) This is a blog about a journey I am taking with illness. I have recently been diagnosed with Cancer. My goal is honest therapy as I progress through, and beyond this new reality in my life. I hope that, somewhere along the way you will find some words that will help you too. While this is, in fact, an interactive Blog, I hope that you will scroll slowly down this page. For you see, the front of this Blog IS my journey. The entries are conversations that are held along the journey.Yes, there is a lot on it--before actually getting to the Blog entries. But, I hope that by the objects and words which appear before the Blog itself, you might come to understand just a little bit about me, and my journey, and some truly amazing friends who have agreed to journey with me. I hope that you, too, will choose to accompany me on my walk--through the Valley. I invite you to join me, and discover the wondrous truths, meet some truly amazing people, and share those "memorable" moments this journey will undoubtedly present. Come along, won't you? In His Care, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Would you like to help me help others? I found this amazing organization, and I am proud to be a sponsor. I hope you will check it out. It's called The Network For Good.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "RISUS OMNIA - INCRUMENTUS PER DEDECUS - SAPIENTIA PER DAMNUM" ("Every thing is funny - Growth through humiliation - Wisdom through loss") ~Leunig~ The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse. ~Helen Keller~ "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people." ~Virginia Woolf~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "There is strength in truth." ~The Barton Family Crest~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller, American social activist, public speaker and author (1880-1968) I have moved the list of my thanks for those who have helped to make this little Blog so very special. I hope that you will take a moment to read the list, growing every day, and let these fellow travellers along this journey know that you appreciate the contributions they make to our walk together.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Please feel free to click on the Blog Rings icon below to be transported to some of the very best of the Best Bloggers around WDC. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you are new to WDC, or to our Blogging community, I highly recommend the monthly edition of "The Blogville News". Feel free to click below, and let scarlett_o_h know that a Blogger sent ya! Hey! We've started a Christian's Blog Ring on WDC. Click on the logo, and join us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Budroe
 Ring LeaderI have three publications at the moment. Here is a link to purchase my latest one. Buy a great read, and help a fellow writer out, Okay?  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Sometimes, I am convinced of the presence of ADD in my life. New words are coming more slowly now, and I can feel the transition from "Write at any cost!" to "Ya better write some new words, Bud!" The truth is, I have so many writing tasks on my plate, I can't focus on any of them. I am trying to find one thing and move it forward. Test results slay me, I think. I get to wondering about where I am on the journey, what news will come from this round, and what my docs are going to do. It just gets bothersome when I have so much to do. I can usually blank it out of my mind--at least for a while. But, it does interfere with things like peaceful slumber and productivity as a writer. I hate to admit it sometimes, but I really do live in the real world. That world requests things of me daily that simply interfere with my vocation. I know that every one deals with this, but what does the Minority Opinion in "Citizens United vs. FEC have to do with this blog entry?? Thus, the ADD. Diversion is one of the tools of our craft, and I have plenty of it! Being patient as a writer is a horribly difficult task sometimes. I am involved in the Novel Writer's Workshop here on WDC, and am most pleased by this month's presentation. I look forward to it and am in the process of doing the first assignment. Hoping for new words, and not merely another distraction. Focus! Focus! Is anyone else having these Winter doldrums? In His Care, Budroe |
| the holidays are over, can't ya? It seems that a relative calm, a "business as usual" atmosphere has returned to our site. Now, that's not a complaint by any means. I merely find it interesting to physically feel a dynamic that exists in what is largely a two-dimensional environment. While I am not ready for a full blown discussion of it yet, I have long been absolutely amazed at the way this two-dimensional environment we call the internet can have such physical effect on us as humans. I believe this would be a topic of research worthy of a Pulizter or Nobel Prize if it could be determined definitively. Yet, the beginnings go back to the beginning of recorded history if you think about it. I am old enough to remember when letters were actually posted in the mail, and news from the paper was a touch dated. No, I have no current direct remembrance of chiseled stone tablets, but then I've been sick. Who knows? Letters from far away, or from friends would brighten up our week, or our month. In many cases such missives changed lives one way or another. Written letters had impact. Typed letters had significance. Telegrams inevitably changed forevers. But even those letters from far way could be at least ticklish to the senses; Lilac fragrance or just knowing the reality that someone we care for actually touched the page we were reading could change us for a time. We felt connected. And that's the point. Is it irrational to feel connected to a group of people I have never, and most likely will never meet? Is it unhealthy to consider people you type to as your friends? Should the terms be changed to maintain the vigilance of those whom we allow access into our lives? Are we all the more a "rube" for falling for an email scam than the snake oil salesman at the door? Must our society change the rules, and the roles? We have all known of people who "met" on the internet. I know of one couple who had never faced each other in real life prior to their wedding day. Yes, that's extreme, but it is a point to be made. I am not certain where the boundary lies, or if one should. Even in this two-dimensional environment, we can harm or be harmed. We can be lifted, or felled. Our moment, our day, and our life can be forever changed. Our online environment can be just as emotionally charged as any three-dimensional relationship. The joys are there, but are they the same? The pain can still come, but does it hurt just as badly? Group dynamics are also in play in the two-dimensional environment, I find. Belonging to a group on WDC is, for many a very important part of their online lives. I have learned the hard way that it can also be huge in their three-dimensional lives, too. I have heard stories to last at least one lifetime about the now-extinct, but legendary WDC Conferences that used to be held. I'd love to have the opportunity to create some of those memories myself, and I will honestly tell you that I feel not a little cheated for not having the opportunity to shake hands or hug some of the people who have, in all possible definitions, saved my life. In September, I will have my 4th WDC birthday. I missed 2 and 3. I feel the loss in a real and tangible way. It is a regret I will always have. My first anniversary was just incredible. I even received (as if I were the only one, of course) a gift from SM/SMs! Now, how special is that?? I guess that is my point. How is it that, in a two-dimensional environment, our lives can so find the addition of such valued and treasured friends, or create such bitter enemies? Yes, I know that we do finally have to account to ourselves. I think the point is valid still. There are people I share, learn, and grow with here in this community (among many others, mind you) that I would not want to lose contact with for ANY reason. I enjoy the company of like-minded souls on an impossible journey. It seems not to matter where or how they come into my life. I feel energized when I can help someone here. I feel like, somehow, a much greater and more humbling service has been given me when a WDC friend does the same for me. And, after 3.5 years? It has gained a kind and level of consistency to my otherwise wild and wacky world. Does that rely only and uniquely upon me, and my mental state?. I may well be incorrect on this, but I don't happen to think so. The interaction, even if two-dimensional, is entirely real. I may not know what you care about, or how you feel. I do know what you say you care about, and I do listen when you tell me how you are feeling. Is it easier to fool me online than in person? Perhaps. Is it more difficult to be honest with me online? Perhaps. Does it, in the end, really matter? The more strongly you feel about the answer to that question is a really good gauge of how connected you feel here, and online. It's not a Psychological masterpiece, but I believe it is true. If it weren't, how would we all be able to feel the changing of the seasons right here on WDC? Which life reflects which? It's something to ponder, or muddle if you be so inclined. I'm a muddler. (Got a paper to prove it, and everything!) I'd sure be interested in your thoughts on the matter, before I make an appointment with a professional. In the meantime, I will stay In His Care, Budroe |
| It's 36 degrees outside--and snowin'! *grumbles and slinks off* (I think Mother Nature, after all these years, has found me again!!) Oi! Budroe |
| For those of you that have been following this particular journey, you will know that this advice could possibly have saved me some travail. But, anyway here's the deal. I just slept some 21 hours, non-stop. Yes, I missed two doses of meds. Yes, I woke up with my BiPap mask somewhere on the floor. No, the bed was not wet inappropriately. It was just sleep. An amazing sleep, in that I remember no dreams, and evidently (from the ache in my various and sundry body parts, anyway) I didn't move around a lot. Friends got concerned. Calls were made. Luckily, I awoke before the door was pounded upon. I've got this project or several that I have been working on, pretty much nonstop. I've been stealing hours of sleep for weeks, when I was working on the project. Thanks to my dear friend kiyasama, the basic parts of the project are now complete. I have about two weeks to finish the project. 95% of the work is done, because I have been stealing hours of sleep, and pretty much devoting the huge majority of my time to the work. I knew this morning, early, that I was ahead of task for the first time since the project began. I could physically feel the weight lift. Evidently, so could my body. I had put together most of the project, one of two that are actively in my work here. (Not everywhere, mind you; just here. There's about four other "major" projects going on in my online life, as well. It can get crazy here at Chateau de Budroe! Ask Budroesgirl  ! She's always screamin' at me to get off the damned computer, like all I'm doin' is working or something! (I am, and I do, and she does, and I don't.) The wounds will heal.Anyway! The project first on the deadline list is suddenly a week ahead! YAY! Man, that felt too good to talk about without smoking a cigarette, ya know? So I hit the bed for a "nap". The plan was to sleep a few hours, wake up when I want to (It's Sunday!) and just putz around on the computer. Right? Ummm, not so much. Tomorrow will be better, time-wise. Now, I took pills and meds and I can't freakin' sleep! *sigh!* I needed sleep. I got sleep. I want sleep. Sleep won't come. I'm pretty much convinced sleep is a female. At least, it's fickle like a female, anyway! He ain't happy at the moment, but I'm still, In His Care, Budroe |
| My new computer is a Dell Inspiron desktop. I got it in October, 2009. I've had no problems with it until recently. Now it seems there is a hardware problem that has the singular ability to shut off any time it wants to. As if that weren't enough, the start button may, or may not work when pushed. When days are scheduled, sometimes to the quarter-hour, any distraction for such problems can make me crazy--for days! On top of the problems with the computer (Tech has been scheduled!), the fact that I get so angry over such simple things as this can really scare me. I don't have the time or, it would seem, the patience I used to known for. Every moment I'm not engaged is a moment lost. When these technical difficulties stop me for hours, it feels like time has been taken, stolen from me, I think it is the sense of time lost that bothers me most, a problem I've had since November of 2006. I'm told by many that I should spend less time on the computer. I do spend some extraordinary time in these past few months--that is true. Without equipment or access, my writing had been compromised to the severest degree for well over two years. Now, I have the equipment and the access only to have the system betray me! Sometimes on, sometimes off. That seems to be my lot in life of late. "Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, it is well. It is well with my soul." Easy words to sing, but sometimes...very difficult to live in your soul. I wish I wasn't always so angry about such trivial things. I can't even tell you why. Perhaps it's just delayed reaction from all the craziness. I'm going to put it down to that for now. Who knows, I might even get my computer repaired!  In His Care, Budroe |
| I heard the news as it broke. Incredulous, I did some follow up as the politicians raled either for or against the decision from the SCOTUS today involving an older case, captioned: "Citizens United v. SEC". It caught me at a bad time because I was actually doing some rather intense research on the proposed Healthcare Bill, passed by the Senate yet having "insufficient votes to pass" (Speaker Pelosi) in the House. I wasn't relaxing. I was working. These two issues are benchmarks for me. I got so entranced with the goings on that I simply had to tune out the television, stay away from my incoming emails, deny myself my usual hunting haunts on the web, and just think for a bit. Somewhere along the way, my political nerves got itched to the point of distraction--so I scratched them. My time tonight has been used deciding whether or not to bother. Finally, I did decided. I bother. I'm not certain when it happened, but I found myself wanting badly to discuss each of these issues with my online friends--a lot. In the end, I created a folder and Forum. The folder will hold my political writings on these, and other matters of the body politic. The essays will be my personal read on issues that I find interesting, or necessary to write about. The Forum will be a general Forum that anyone can access and make response/reply to. Hopefully, a dialogue will begin. I went hunting for pics, and formatted the items, all the while thinking about the ramifications of each of these two landmark issues. Sometimes, things are easy to see from where I sit. At least, I am more readily able to come to a decision about what I think of a given topic. Usually that happens when those things are important to me, personally for one reason or another. Then, I inevitably wonder if they are affecting anyone else, regardless of manner or severity. As usual, I almost instinctively create a writing place for putting down my thoughts and research results. Healthcare is an issue which I think most people could, without too much trouble, come to a personal decision about--especially as it might pertain to legislative or judicial actions. But, how in the world is it that a 501 (c)3 court case could affect me personally? Then, I find that the very word "person" is paramount to today's ruling. I nearly flipped. Okay, I DID flip out a bit. You can surely google-search on either topic and come up with a mountain of links and references that give every possible view on each subject. But, in the end, what do I say about them? I'll write my findings, put them in the folder, and guide people who might read them to the forum link where that essay is being discussed. I hope you will all join in. You can find the Forum here . Needless to say, I have particular opinions on both topics. Rather than bore you with them here, I will write them down as essays and link you to them. I'd be interested in what you think of them, and what you might have to say as a response to them. You will be able to find a link to the completed works as they are done. I will put them here. They will link to the Forum. I hope to see you there, frenetically responding to my words like a ferret on steroids.It could get interesting! But, as always, it will not shake my sensibilities that I remain anywhere but, In His Care. Budroe |
| So, today I got a new set of labs, and a bunch of drugs. Sara leaves (a second time) in the morning. She made it part-way home, and was so ill she turned around. She slept most of the day and night, trying to ditch a lousy stomach. Not much of a fun drive that way; believe me I know. Quiet otherwise. So, for now, I will remain, In His Care, Budroe |
| I got a new home care worker (CNA/LPN) today. Her name is Jerry. She is very nice, and she does VERY good work. It was an interesting morning as I watched her become aware of my apartment. She gave me (and Sara, too) complIments, telling us she thought it was a very nice, very clean apartment. I was interested observing her become accustomed to my place, as I worked to become accustomed to her being in it. For some reason, it was a powerful exercise for me. I knew what she would see, but not how she might see it. As it turned out, she saw the correct things, and got down to work. I was pleased. Sara left for home today. Hardly had I had my first "pity fit" until she called, and told me she was on her way back because she was ill. She is. I'm just really glad she's here. With her, it's much easier being In His Care, Budroe |
| I just awoke after sleeping some 15 hours. Budroesgirl seemed to be grateful for the break! . She is here, with me in Chateau de Budroe for the weekend. The Christmas tree is being disassembled after one more night of brilliant beauty. It really was a special tree this year, and we both just wanted to enjoy it for a while. Now comes the "putting up" of things of the holiday celebration, and the general returning of the chateau to it's usual beauty. I have been a fan of "Farmville" on FaceBook for some time now. Sadly, the game is one which, at a certain achievement level, allows advancement only by purchasing items with real money. This tells me that I have arrived at the Zenith of my willingness to partipate. The game serves me as a mental mind break from my writing. I wonder if anyone else uses online free games in this way. I have found many such opportunities through such venues as www.itch.com and others. Most recently, I have begun some diplomatic nation-building through a game called "Cyber Nations" . It requires some significant concentration to successfully play. The game and its community have been around for several years now. It provides a really good mental break from things WDC.Does anyone else use this or other things to provide an online "break" from the writing? I'd like to know your alternatives. In His Care, Budroe |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** In the tiny town of Erlanger, Kentucky on this date, Martha W. Barton was born to her parents Winfield Scott ("Dink")and Estella Maxie ("Nanny") Barton, living at 26 Locust Street. If you were to check, you would find that the world, the country, and the small Kenton, Kentucky town were in rough times. War raged in "The Great War", men were gone--many would never return. Women and children were keeping the home fires burning while our future leaders fought "Over There". Yet, one of the distinct advantages of living in a small town was at least a modicum of insulation from the world. Time was moving even more slowly than usual in the world. Newspapers (especially the nearby Cincinnatti Inquirer) languished with nothing but distressing news and fatality lists. It was a time of the great machine age's beginning. In the midst of such depravation, hope was being found, and born. Almost (but not quite) 54 years later, on January 9th, 1971 the hope that was born that day in 1917 saw it's light extinguished. Hers was a life with many highs, and more than its share of lows. Hers was a very rare (case #0, in fact) form of cancer, and there was no medical protocol to, even under research and/or experimental exploratatory conditions, guide the course of her physicians. I was 10 days past the celebration of my 15th year when she died. In her life she was many things. To me, there was no thing that she was more significant to my world than the reality that (to me) she was "Mommie". If the numbers are correct, today would have been her 93rd birthday. I have remembered every one since she moved to Heaven, along with a number of other people whose lives she affected. I miss her still. It won't be long until we can, again, share our praise and songs of all things incredible. I look forward to that, a lot. Call me selfish, but it is true. Hers was a difficult life, and especially at the close of it. She was a troubled soul, with a purpose and a heart much larger than herself. I was most grateful for the last two years of her life, when we were able to become friends. I got to see the person that I had heard so much about. That was an amazing gift to me, because in that short time I learned much more than a lifetime about a lifetime that matters. There have been many times I have prayed a silent prayer of thanksgiving that she could not see me doing things that I know would anger or (even worse) disappoint her. But, I am just bold enough to tell you I believe there have been maybe one or two moments I really hoped she was watching, just so her faith in my ability to survive honorably and bring pride to her might have been validated, too. I'm not, nor have I ever claimed to be perfect; only a broke-down sinner saved by grace, through faith. Boy, Howdy! Have I ever proven the first part of that enough times. I am a great sinner. I have a great savior. I knew a great woman, who was--despite many failings, disappointments, and tribulations, a great Mother. Happy Birthday, Mommie. Thank you for being the model for everything in my life that I ever truly wanted to be. Please forgive for the times I've missed your standards. I'm still a work in progress, and I'm 54 and still swingin'! I love you, and know that you, too are In His Care, Your Son. Buddy |
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