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 |  Take a look into the world as I see it. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Blog header made by my good friend ~*~Damiana Returned~*~  "Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ---Edgar Allan Poe ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Traditional Gemini Traits Adaptable and versatile Communicative and witty Intellectual and eloquent Youthful and lively On the dark side.... Nervous and tense Superficial and inconsistent Cunning and inquisitive ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** LIKES  Talking Novelty and the unusual Variety in life Multiple projects all going at once ReadingDISLIKES Feeling tied down Being in a rut Mental inaction Being alone Liars** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
Well, I start a new job at a call center on Wednesday. Now maybe this job will fricken stick, and I won't get laid off again!  At least it's a different temp agency. Lets see it's in Largo and it's 37.5 hours at $10/hr. I can handle that.  I have to go in tomorrow and fill out paperwork and then I can start on Wednesday. |
| This has been a totally boring day. I am going to an open house tomorrow for the Macy's call center. Hopefully I can start working for them soon. Jerry got on my case the other day for not having a job. I told him that I applied for dozens and dozens of jobs and no one has called me. He said something so stupid that he should've been slapped for it. He said, "Maybe it's fate." I said, "On the other hand, maybe it's called bad luck and a shitty economy." He said, "It isn't that bad." "Yes it is." *sigh*  I just think that it's hard to find a job for the simple fact that college kids took all of the jobs during the summer, and nothing will be available until they go back to school. I can never win an argument with him.......there's really no point in fighting with him. He always comes up with something stupid to say. All I know is that I need to find a job so I can save money to leave here. I would preferrably like to have my own car than to rent a UHaul or fly. That is my goal anyway. I would rather do things for myself, than to rely on help from my family. |
 I talked to my dad tonight, and he was telling me that he had to pee and the dog needed to go out at the same time. So what he did, like any lazy person would do, he takes the dog out. Being dad as I know him, he takes it upon himself to go outside naked and pee off the deck in the front yard. The front yard is pretty secluded with a lot of trees and no one can see in, well, he wasn't so lucky this time around. The neigbors 20 year old daughter managed to see him as he was pissing off the porch. She smiled and waved at him, and he smiled and waved back at her in mid-stream, lol. I am glad that I wasn't there, lol! I can't believe he did that, but then again it doesn't surprise me at all! When it comes right down to it, my dad just doesn't give a shit! |
Just almost 24 hours left to go in my auction. Be sure to check out some awesome items! 
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| Until you don't have it anymore. You feel deep regret and remorse for letting it slip through your fingers. That is exactly how Jerry will feel once I am gone from his life. He will finally realize that things weren't as bad as he saw them as. He will realize that what he had with me was truly wonderful and great, and that he will never find anyone as great, kind, or sweet as me. Some other man will come along and steal me away and Jerry will never have me again. It will be his loss and his fault. |
I am weighing out the pros and cons of flying or driving. Personally I would rather drive. On the other hand flying wouldn't be so bad either. Lets take a look at both shall we. =Pro =ConDriving I can take all the time I need to I can take all of my stuff with me in one trip The 18-24 hour trip may traumatze the cat I can sleep in a comfortable bed in a hotel room. This would be way more expensive to pull off than flying. I am now terrified of driving over bridges after that incident in Minnesota Driving sucks ass Flying It would only take me a mere 2.5 hours to get home. Max could fly too and wouldn't be so skittish about travelling. I wouldn't get car seat ass (It's where your ass gets numb for sitting too long. I really hate that) I am terrified of flying I wouldn't lose any WDC time  (This is one of the many dumb reasons why Jerry broke up with me......too much WDC) I would have to mail every single item that I own to myself, of course it would be cheaper (I really hate that) It would certainly cheaper than driving only because my dad would use his airline rewards to fly me back up Planes crash  |
Jerry and I had another blow-up today after I got home from work. We argued about the same old shit. Jerry started it.............naturally. He's been going to the bar every night this week, drowning his sorrows. He is going to do the laundry tonight and then go to the bar. I got on his case about pissing his hard earned money away, and I told him that if he was going to do that, then I was ordering out Chinese Take-out. He didn't say a word about it. I figure if he's going to booze it up at the bar, I will do something nice for myself. I am ever-so much closer to moving the fuck out of here. The whole situation is killing me and tearing me up inside. I finally got up the courage to ask my grandmother if she and grandpa could assist me so I could leave Jerry. Grandma said that she will talk to grandpa when he gets home tonight. This doesn't mean that I will get any help, but it's worth a try anyway. I am going to find a job that I can take short term to save up a little bit of money, and whatever else I need maybe my grandparents can help me with. I don't like to ask people for money. Hell, I don't even want to put my family out by staying with them. My dad is going to let me stay with him for awhile. He says I can bring my cat. I can't wait to get out. I have my heart set on getting out as fast as I can. I can and will get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. I need my sanity. Well, get my sanity back anyway. Besides, there are some new family members that I haven't met since I have been gone.  I am just getting tired of Jerry's habits and attitude. He is still trying to blame everything on me, and has been telling me that I need professional psychiatric help. Okay, yes, I admit that I am very emotional at times and overly sensitive. But not to the point where I am considered a psycho. This does not mean that I need to seek professional help. If anyone needs psychiatric help, it's Jerry. I am not the one that chats with other people on the internet, and take obscene photos of my private parts with the webcam......Jerry is. I would never do anything so gross and vile.  I am also not the one who moved on before my ex and I were completely separated and slept with someone else and slept with him at the same time.......Jerry is. I told Jerry that my family knows everything there is to know about the situation between me and him. Jerry doesn't believe me........Big Fucking Surprise! I told him if he was so concerned about it, then he should call my family and tell them everything himself. And he claimed that he had already talked to my dad the last time he was down here. He said that dad was on his side and not mine. Which would be the time that I was going through my surgery. Really nice. Bad mouth a person when they're on their death bed fighting for their life. Really smart Jerry. I called my dad today to confirm what Jerry said was the truth. Dad said that he's lying and playing mind games with me. I believe my dad over Jerry on any given day. Dad said to tell Jerry to fuck off. Jerry is such a retarded jack-hole!In other depressing news, my manager at Michael's has turned into a bitch. First of all she is a big time micro-manager. With every little stupid thing it's, pick-pick-pick dig-dig-dig. I could see micro-managing people who are making a great wage, say $30k per year or more......but when you are paying people only slightly above minimum wage, then you need to back way the hell off. Then, earlier this week I had to change my availability because of schedule conflicts with Jerry's work. On Wednesday she calls me into her office and practically yells at me for changing my schedule. She knows fucking damn-well that Jerry and I have only one car between us, because mine was totalled in an accident back in February, and also the fact that I can't work past 4pm because of therapy visits and Jerry working nights. She knew that back in March when she hired me. I don't know why it's such a big surprise to her that I had to change back to my old schedule. I was told by another co-worker that she yelled at someone else about changing their schedule. He had to because he is going back to school. My co-worker, Claudia says that she is getting ready to leave too, because she can't stand the manager either. I guess Vicki is like that toward everyone and anyone who crosses her path. Any manager that's like that doesn't deserve to manage others. So she got back at me for changing my schedule............I only get to work 8 hours next week. What's the point in even going in next week if that's all that I am getting? What a waste of gas! That's 8 hours divided into two days at 4 hours each. That is not fair! I hate this state. I have been miserable for almost 3 years in Florida. Moving to Florida is what caused everything to go downhill in the first place. I feel as though I have slipped into the 10th level of Hell. I am so tempted to just quit my job. The 10th level of Hell can also be referring to my damned relationship with Jerry. |
My auction is going pretty well........I am worried about a few of my items though. Most of them are sigs and banners, that should be going for more than 3,000 gps. Most of them being from kiyasama's Toy Shop & Sig and Scrapbook Shop, some belonging to others. She does the most awesome job on the sigs and banners she does make. I hope that you will come and stop by! I would love to see you!
Those item numbers are: #3, #11, #12, & #13. |
| Jerry has really screwed me over this time. Thanks to his retarded choice to work for Pizza Hut, I can no longer work nights. My manager got all pissed at me when I told her that I could no longer work past 5:30pm and can no longer work weekends. When she hired me, she knew that between Jerry and I only had one car, and also that we have to go to physical therapy three times a week. Part of this mess is my fault. I am always willing to admit when I am at fault for any given thing. Unlike certain people I know. Well, now I need to find a full time job where I can work during the day, M-F and no weekends. I suppose that I could take the bus back home every night that I work, but I won't do it at night. See, where I live, the bus cannot take me all the way home, and I will still have to walk a certain distance........at night. I refuse to walk at night where I stand the chance at getting mugged, raped, and/or murdered. If I had to walk during the day, then it wouldn't be such a big deal for me. I also need to get a full time job so that I can afford to finance a car. Then this way, I won't have to rent a UHaul and be without transportation when I get back home, so this way, I can find work almost right away when I get back. I just need everything to fall into place for me. The easier, the less painful this will be. In the meantime, if I have daytime hours, I can walk home after I get out of work and get the the exercise that I need. |
It's been an interesting month (July 15-Present time). Since finding out Jerry's betrayal, I haven't been eating right. After the first day of finding out Jerry's sleazy secret, I became bulimic for two weeks straight. Yes, I would eat and throw up on purpose. I managed to pull myself out of that black hole and got my appetite back. Then we ran out of money and could only afford ramen noodles and other unhealthy crap, or I would just skip eating altogether, because lets face it, you get tired of eating the same thing everyday. It's food, but not much. Ever since all of the stress and not eating enough, my body is retaliating in its own way. I am dehydrated and have no PMS symptoms at all. There is a slight chance that I won't get a period this month due to malnutrition, some of it being my fault and others not my fault. It's been well over a week since I had any meat so this may be the reason why. My diet has consisted mainly of ramen noodles with a little bit of mixed veggies, bananas, and water, oh and sometimes a little salad. Hopefully, things will get back on track and I won't have to worry about nutrition anymore. I am thinking about applying for a part time job at PaPa John's.........it will give me more money, plus, it will piss Jerry off, because he works for Pizza Hut right now, and also the fact that he used to work for PaPa John's and then got fired.  |
| I managed to scrape up some extra money to buy some food today. I went to get some groceries and found some really great deals. I found some of those Hillshire Farm salad kits, they were buy one, get one free. I thought that would be something different besides ramen noodles. I bought a few other things as well. I got home, and a few hours later Jerry wakes up and I told him that I bought some of those Hillshire Farm things, and all he said was, "Why did you buy those for? They are full of crap and garbage." And in my mind I was thinking, "You're welcome you ungrateful asshole!" I really wish that I would have said that out loud. But I didn't. He always manages to find something to bitch about.......it never fails. You do something, he finds fault in it. This little interaction that I had with him didn't surprise me one bit. |
| I am not sure what today holds.........but I am going to try and make the best of it. We are so low on food it isn't funny. My body isn't taking it all too well. My body chemistry is way off. This is all from not eating balanced meals and not drinking enough water. I have been drinking more water since last week, and I downed a ton of it lastnight. I didn't sleep well lastnight because Jerry stayed up all hours of the evening and into the early hours of the morning. God, he is such a retard. I don't even want to hear one complaint from him at all when he wakes up. It's his fault for eating really late and for being an addict. |
| A few hours without Jerry....................ahhhhhhh! It does feel nice, lol. This may sound weird coming from me, but I look forward to the times when Jerry is going to leave for work or whatever. I feel so relaxed and and at ease with everything. That is a damn good sign that I will survive without Jerry. I am sure that when I do leave, I will go through a "withdrawal period" being without him, but then again I may not. I may be completely relieved to be permanently away from him. All I know is that when Jerry is away, all of the stress leaves me. |
| Today was a long and boring day to which I didn't get anything accomplished. I bought another newspaper to hunt for potential jobs. I found about eight jobs that I am interested in. I emailed a few of them, and I will call the rest tomorrow morning. Jerry got a job as a shift manager at a pizza place, so now it may be more tough for me to go to interviews, unless he isn't due to work later on in the day. I am pulling my hair and going out of my mind. I at least want to get something full time that I can be happy and secure in. There is one other thing that might keep me from leaving the state of Florida..........that damn lawsuit with the drunk driver. I have to keep going to physical therapy until they deem me healthy enough not to have to go. If I stop going, I will lose the case. That would be a bad thing to do, because along with the brain surgery bills from last year, I will have mounds of PT bills. If I can't continue to go, then I may be forced to file bankruptcy. Of course I may end up doing that anyway when I move back home. I am going to look into one of those Catholic charities that might be able to pay off my hospital bills. I need to get back into the doctor for another follow up MRI soon. So going home may not be in the immediate future for right now. Although, God knows that I need to get out of here. I may have no choice at this point. We will see what the big man upstairs wants to do or where he wants me to remain. |
| I just noticed that they changed the maximum entries that a blog can have is 725 or something like that. Which means that it will probably take me two more years to complete this. Oh well. There is no way that I will be able to start a new blog when I move back home, lol. I will not waste entries like that. On the other hand, I do like the fact that they have added more room in blogs. |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Summer Auction Going On Right Now! Come and see all of the awesome items up for bid!  Awardicons Merit Badges Reviews Upgrades Signatures/Banners "Week of Cheer" cNotes Port RaidsAnd much more............! Come and take a look! Something for everyone!  50% of proceeds will go to "The WDC Angel Army"  Donators of 25k or more will receive a merit badge, plus 5 reviews. Highest amount of gps donated by one person will receive a bonus merit badge. Highest bidder will receive a merit badge as well! Bidding ends August 19, 2007 @ 11:59pm. |
| Another reason why I am dragging my feet is because I really don't want to live with my family when I move back. I want to be by myself so that I can have privacy. What if I start dating again and I want to bring someone over to my place? I can't bring them over to my dad's house or my grandparents house......how awkward. I do plan on dating again. I can't move forward in my life if I have a family member or any other person living with me for that matter. This brings me to another thing that I need to bitch about. People keep telling me that I should get a roommate. I don't want a roommate, that just defeats the whole privacy thing. I don't want to end up living with someone that I hate or can't get along with. Or someone that doesn't pay their share of things, or someone who trashes the fucking place. I cannot and will not put up with that shit. When I get back on my feet, I plan on moving to Battle Creek so I can at least have some sort of distance from my family. I want to get a full time job there too. I have my reasons for wanting to live in Battle Creek anyway. Even though Calhoun County is notorious for getting tornadoes all of the time. I like Kalamazoo, but I want a change of scenery and to do my own thing. Of course I will need a car first before I can work or move. What a fucking bind and burden this is. |
| I checked on the prices of a UHaul truck. It will be about $440 one way to Kalamazoo. I hope that includes the insurance coverage. It also has a 35 gallon fuel tank. I wonder how much the total gas bill will cost? I am afraid to even imagine that. Plus food, water and at least a one nights hotel stay. I will not drive 20 hours straight. If I don't get adequate rest I get bitchy and whiney. I already have the mapquest directions in my email on yahoo. I did that about 2 months ago. I am not sure where my stopping point will be for the overnight stay. Not to mention how Max will react to the trip either. He's a good-natured cat. He should be fine. Most of my food trips will probably have to be at fast food places or SubWay. I can't leave Max in the truck in 90 degree weather. I could get arrested for that. Besides, I don't think he would appreciate that either. I need to get home and be with my dad. His health isn't very good and I want to make sure he has help. My sisters are always gone and hardly help him with anything. Someone needs to be there. I am sure that my sisters aren't doing this on purpose, their social calendars are always full and they work too. My grandma was complaining to me this morning about my sisters not helping. She was also giving my dad the third degree about not using crutches. I am with her on that. He's probably using them now, but then again, dad is stubborn and doesn't listen to anyone. I think I have some of that in me, lol. Dad's conditions are serious and I want him to be healthy again. I need to be there. |
| I am so angry that I could scream! Jerry is pissing me off! He continues to treat me like shit. He's abusive and rude. He came home from his interview, and just bit my head off! I wanted to knock his head off. I can't wait to be out of here. At first he told me that I had to be out of here by the 15th of this month. Yeah right. Like that will happen. In his dreams maybe. I told him that I probably needed at least the end of September at the latest. He's like, "Why so long?" I told him that I needed to save the money in order to get home. He's like, can't your family help you? No..........I want to do this on my own. It isn't their problem, it's mine. He didn't say anything. The only way that I can get home that fast is if my dad uses his reward miles and books me a ticket. I am not flying. I am afraid of planes, and I am not leaving my stuff with Jerry so he can keep it! No way. Not in this lifetime! I am not going to let him win. After everything that has been going down in the last month or so, I know for sure that I would never take this sleaze-ball back, not even if he was the last person on earth! You could say that he ruined at least 3 years of my life. I wish that he would've settled in one place so that I could have at least found a stable job of my own, and that he was more up front and honest with me through the whole relationship. It's his loss, not mine. I know that I am a great and decent person. My sister Jill says that I am too good for him and that I can do better. A hell of a lot better. Don't I know it. On the bright side, when I went to the store, I found a $1 bill in the parking lot! Maybe that's a good omen. |
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Happy Birthday! 
I have to go help the Knights of Columbus with a church breakfast this morning. At least I will get free breakfast. 