great descriptive piece. The visual you paint puts us right there.
If you decided to take this further, you've done well in setting it up making the possiblities endles.
but it was Charles if he had blinders on his eyes - i think you might be missing or have added a word here.
Malamutes stood before of the sled, tied together and ready to go. - delete of
I really like the idea here. A lot! the philosophy behind it is so true and thought provoking.
The only suggestions i have is that light blue really kind of hurts the eyes. and if you wanted to add another stanza of examples of each -- like a great sight, sound, that you woud miss -- just a thought
My mind empted and peacefully wondered nothingness = i think you mean emptied.
I like the reference to pharaohs' coffins - very unique - i had never thought ab out that .
You do switch from present to past tense in the first paragraph which makes it a little confusing to read.
I like the originality in this piece. I do have to admit, i had to read it a few times to follow it. And i'm not even quite sure why. Except maybe we weren't on the same wavelegnth.
At the beginning of this, I was thinking I would save it as a reminder of how bad my day could be, because of your car and traffic problems. As i read on, I realized i would save it for such a deeper meaning. The way you intertwined our country with the other was brilliant. it built a connection that no one could ignore.
My only bump (and it probably comes because I find myself doing it -- so it may be no big deal} came here : afford since I do not have enough funds in my account. I do not want to put anything else on my charge card, since I still have balances - The use of "since" twice so closely together can sometimes give the reader the impression that they are rereading a line.
Oh my gosh, you brought tears to my eyes. (okay so they came out of my eyes too) At first I thought you were describing my father as well, but then through your words and phrasing you made it something so personal, that it could not be generalized.
How proud of you your father must be. This was a lovely tribute to a man who influenced who you are.
It was a little ironic that I stumbled on this piece. I wrote a soldier letter a few days ago for leger's 15/15. I"m really loving exploring your port.
Anyway to the review: I love that you provided a link at the bottom. I showed it to my son and he's been reading all about it; he loves history.
the description and raw retelling of events really brought the setting alive. It not only provided a histroy but set the mood.
The only thing I would suggest - and I'm sure it has to do with the word limit - is adding a little more passion or talk of home. I think if he was talking to his future wife it would stir up even more feelings of love and urgency back to "normal."
i like how he continues to call her "my love" rather than changing from sweetheart and hoeny -- it makes it more believable, because we usually have one pet name we call those in our lives.
I have to say I thought this was superbly done. The wording and phrasing brought you in with each building stanza.
While I don't agree with all that is said, it is almost what makes this poem's point. that we all have varied views.
So, I ask, “Why does God insist
on this basis for the accused?”
By how we force upon His Word,
not all the caring things we do? - this stanza was a homerun for me as it is a philosophy I know many have struggled with.
This brought tears to my eyes. As well it made me reflect on my own ungratitude. Your strength is inspiring. I hope many, many people read this and learn from it.
It is something that may be hard for some to read but that will hopefully provide growth.
Totally shocked me with this one. I was so focused on how well you wrote the alliterations that I didn't see the twist coming. Well that, and I was thinking of that Bravo's Project Runway show - (I love it too)
Great creativity and vocabulary.
I've always been too intimidated to enter this contest --you've done it magnificently.
This is simply wonderful. My sister is a hospice nurse and I have heard her tell many similar tales. You have captured the moment poignantly. I think this piece will help me understand what often happens in the last days of an ailing person.
I thank you for this write and I'm so glad Ken had you by his side. There is no doubt in my heart that he knew you were there.
This is truly wonderfully written. The range of emotions is felt by the reader without be forced. You paint a picture effortlessly - I could visualize each event clearly by your use of action and inisghts.
The one suggestion i have is you might explain who "Bill" is. I assume it is your husband, and you might have mentioned it and I missed it.
The foreshadowing you give us at the end presents us with almost a "need" to read on.
Great job!
{I'm sending the gps back for it was simply a pleasure to read and review)
I'm affraid we are becoming a selfish nation - afraid -- unless you meant he was stuttering because of his inner conflict.
That pretty deep for a short. I like how I don't see what is coming untilt he end.
I spent most the time thinking it was over my head and then it wasn't - so that's kind of cool -- i didn't think i would understand and you made me understand.
I love writing with a message, and you have a wonderful message here. Young and old alike should hear it, because we live in a world that not only bullies physically, but mentally.
can beating a defenceless person bring - defenseless
un blinded me - unblinded
I am curious as to why you have it under "other" rather than "poetry" when in the subtitle you describe it as a poem.
I think if you evened out the lines a bit, it would read a little smoother with more of a rhythm.
The revealing that these boys were your friends was a twist. It is a sad poem; you bring the emotion out well. With a little tweaking, I think it could be a homerun~!
I think this poem speaks so clearly of the newest form of love happening in society. the reality of getting to know some one through words first is demonstrated here as well as the reality of what can come of it.
the rhyme is sweet and the story tells of a love that may have not been possible without current technolgy.
The sentiment is sincere without being sappy. it brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
While well-written this gave me the chills -- I hate snakes (and yet i chose this poem)
You painted a very, real visual of the situation.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
They’re invasive creatures with voracious
appetites. Neither man nor beast will be
safe to go in the waters - great wording as well as establishing one of the problems.
Suggestions:
I just hope i don't have nightmares! Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
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