Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Love and loss is always something people can relate to. You've used imagery wonderfully to make it understandable and real.
Improvement Areas:
For the most part your rhymes work very nicely. There are just a couple that seemed forced. You might reread it outloud to check and see if it flows the way you are hoping.
Grammar/Spelling:
Away from one another’s clasp - I would end with a question mark here.
My Favorite Part:
What did I to deserve this pain? - I think this shows how common it is to first blame ourselves. Seeking for what we have or have not done is such a true human reaction.
Suggestions:
I've enjoyed reading your port.
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Sometimes a lot can be said in a few words and you did this with this piece. You gave us a lot of emotion and things to think about.
You've used your words wisely and dynamicly. It creates a poem that you want to reread several times.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the play on the words "piece/peace". Very clever.
Suggestions:
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is an interesting piece. Quite different than I've read in awhile. I like the abstractiveness of it. I think it would really bring out the actor's talents as well as challenge them.
Improvement Areas:
I would suggest putting the stage directions in italics. It was a little hard to read even in parenthesis.
I understand the effective of the repetition and the humor in it, but at times I felt it was a little too much. almost like forcing it on the audience.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I loved the looking out into the audience like people were watching them. this is one of those things some will get and will fly right over other's heads which is why it is so funny to me.
Suggestions:
Very intriguing in comical philosophy.
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
You have really captured the feelings nature can cause within us. From the first word to the end you take us on a mental journey that seems to make one feel more alive.
Improvement Areas:
The spirits of the old hunters rushes in my veins
As I rush face first into the bellowing wind -- having the word "rush" so close together caused a slight hiccup in reading this. You might search for a replacement word to add variety -- maybe even "races through my veins"
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Without a doubt the beginnning is my favorite part. You hooked me from the first line with your appeal to the senses. Suggestions:
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I love children's pieces and this onw was definitely not a disappointment. You took us the the journey of a beloved toy.
Improvement Areas:
One thing I would suggest is making the stanzas more uniform. It will help with the rhythm. You have some that are several lines long and others that are just four. While free verse is an open form of poetry, it still helps the reader to have some sort of uniformity.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
A small, little reminder
That childhood never dies -- How true this statement is. You've phrased it perfectly. I could visualize the tattered cow in the chair and the realization that our childhood and imagination still live within us.
Suggestions:
Keep loving that cow!
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
You did great with this form. I found it challenging. I"ve not mastered (ok we'll go with barely understand}the whole iambic meter thing, but you seem to have it down.
Improvement Areas:
Ok, at first, I was going to say there seemed an quite a few possesive (apostrophe-type) words in it, and then I found it almost giving it an alliteration type feel to it, so i liked it. so it's not an improvement comment - i just didn't know where else to put it.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
remind me gently of hist'ry's past worth. - this phrasing actually "gently" pulled me into my own memories.
You have such a way with words. it's more than just an extensive vocabulary; it's in how you present them.
Suggestions:
Beautifully written.
audra Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This made me smile throughout. I can see why it is awarded. Your writing here reminds me a lot of my dad's, without the misspellings that is. But the voice you have while reminiscing makes one want to be there.
You've done great with all elements -- exposition, climax, resolution, etc. --
Improvement Areas:
none - just send me some of that snow
Grammar/Spelling:
none
My Favorite Part:
Definitely the floor furnace! It took me back to days of fighting with my cousins over who got to stand over my Grandmother's. Great details!!
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is truly a magical piece. You have captured the imagination of a child and fantasy beautifully. I even brought my son in to read it to him, and he loved it.
Improvement Areas:
none
Grammar/Spelling:
none - you always do fabulous with your grammar and spelling.
My Favorite Part:
"purple hill and flying ponies chasing each other up in the air" you have used great sensory words throughout to capture the mood of this piece. I smiled as I read this stanza in particular.
Suggestions:
I hope you write more in this category. I think you have a true talent for it.
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is a sad and gripping poem. It shows the devastation that unrequited love can bring.
Improvement Areas:
You start out with two stanzas of 2 shorter lines and then a longer one. I think if you kept this meter throughout it would read a little smoother. I've found writing in that meter difficult for me, but in the first 2 stanzas you nailed it perfectly. I know it would require some reworking, but I think in the long run it would be worth it.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
"As she heaved one final breath" - this was such a climax in the poem that I stopped to read it again. It is very visual as well as pulling at the heart strings. To set it apart makes it seem simple, but within the poem it is complete strength.
Suggestions:
A great piece that illustrates the depth of love.
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I have to say I absolutely love the title. It works perfectly and is unique.
The images you invoke of love gone and the questions that remain are heartbreaking in their reality.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
Again, this may just be a preference. To me you either use punctuation in poetry or you don't at all. You use it sometimes throughout. I think it would make the piece more appealing if you either punctuated all correctly or deleted the commas and question marks. But again, that could just be me, I don't know of any rule about it.
My Favorite Part:
I really like the subtleness of the rhyme. It is there but it doesn't hit the reader over the head with it. It simply helps create a strong rhythm to the piece which is what rhyme should do. You hit a home run here.
Suggestions:
I noticed in your port that you are very talented with sigs; you might consider adding one to this piece. Your words are beautiful and a picture to accent them would be dynamic.
Ink Blot Author Fan Club is an affiliate of Images in Ink.
This is a really great piece that deals with a lot of the emotions we go through with letting someone get close but also being conflicted about the fear and the need.
It’ll turn the ice to water
and you, my dear, will drown. - I love these lines. It is great imagery. Fulll of power and feeling.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Wow, you do write a good story. I love how you move the plot along with dialogue. Your vocabulary is impressive and molds the story well. Your character development is very believable and strong.
Improvement Areas:
I think you can eliminate some of the tags on your dialogue -- you don't need one every time someone speaks, you write so well that the reader gets the sense of emotion without you plainly stating it.
When you are writing the dialogue you need to use commas most of the time insted as periods. For example, "Class, we have a new student today," Mrs. Ledbetter said . . . .
Make sure to keep tenses consistent, don't jump from past to present. For instance: leaning as far as he "could" toward her
Grammar/Spelling:
It was "worse" than she expected.
stared at her in amusement as she introduced "delete and"
raising his "hand"
succeeding "in avoiding" eye contact
"Now class, let's "procede"
after hearing "a" few chuckles
that ment the most embarrassing of her life "delete second moment"
Nelly replied "a" bit confused
that it's "noisy"
Christopher said after only waiting "a" few moments
very long "to" finish
"easy" enough to do
It was "a" pretty worn down
mold and must probably due to "a" lack
noticed a girl with matted hair (delete a}
cause you wear "a' fancy dress
"She told "me" so herself,"
Nelly said to Christopeher after (delete out)
as he ran toward "a" group
asked Nelly's father
gripped should be griped
seeing Christopher's smiling face
She even started walking to and from
Nelly was happy and three years "passed" by
Her blonde hair "had" gotten so long and beautiful that it "had"
It had "a"
She had grown into quite a looker
Her "breasts" "had"
"Nelly, you're going to "be" late
"Morning, Dad," she said charmingly.
It was sunny as usualy, a bit chilly
I got "these" shoes just
years of her life "were" some of the
Since "they'd" became a couple "a" year and a half
He was just "a" couple inches
A few hours after
answered after waiting "for" what seemed
It blindsided her
her head "began" to spin
Nelly's mom fell to her knees as if someone took the legs from under her and began to sob
I can't begin to act as if I understnad
If not for you, do it for those - you have for those written twice
"Nelly" could still hear her mom restlessly
I came to apologize
me who should apologize
Nelly's mom began
sold "many" of her dresses
going to college "were" forgotten
leave her mother along "anyway"
than he had ever been before
I don't have a dress
Christopher's lack of prom
Don't capitalize Prom
time to have "a" sincere talk
I feel like our roles have beeen
It "had" only been a few days
in the seven years they "had" been togethere
graduating the gym was
she had nothing to "wear"
dress that Nelly "had" ever seeen
mom argued with "tears"
It took "a" good
Nelly's mom "complimented"
She glanced "in the" mirror
she "glanced" back at the mirror
fairy tale
My Favorite Part:
I loved the foreshadowing -- several times you made me think one thing was going to happen and then to my surprise it was something completely different and I hadn't figured it out. The way you took us through time and the development of a relationship and the realism was wonderful.
Suggestions:
The story is there - you just need to edit it a little more - Read it aloud word for word.
I really like it and think many will too!
audra Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
I saw this prompt and had considered it. You have done it justice for sure. A very nice take on the picture. I can feel the emotion and intensity.
The only line that I stumbled on a bit was this one: I hope the rays cross the hindering pane before night! - and I think it was because it effected the rhythm a bit because it had quite a few more syllables.
I swear your first paragraph could have been written about me. It completely pulled me in.
I can honestly say that you took me back in time to a place i hadn't taken time to remember in far too long.
lol - my "playhouse" was an old outhouse beilieve it or not -- and i loved it.
You wrote this perfectly; I have no suggestions. It is so obvious why you are a published author. I've read your works before and have always been impressed, but this one -- it is one i will keep coming back to.
I had almost forgotten what it was like to live through your imagination. thank you so much for reminding me.
This was recommended to me by a friend. To be honest, I was hesistant at frist because its not my usually choice of genre. But i must say you did a delightful job.
the plot is increasingly interesting.
the voice sounds just like that of a teenager.
And you have me wanted to read the next part.
the only error i found was : I stared down at my feat as the king looked - feat/feet
lol - this is a cute story. An expensive lesson in just learning to say "thank you" and moving on.
"since you are in the Air Force, I will let you go with - the first word of a quoation should be capitalized -- this occurs again on the part where Brian says "Why the heck . . ."
Really, a very charming tale that made me laugh outloud.
With the charm of your words you have really depicted the feelings many have towards winter. I love how visual and real this piece feels. From the chipped coffee mug to the depression and sense of loneliness.
It shows the power that sunshine can have on our lives.
this is a charming tell of the devotion and love that exists between a grandparent and a grandchild. You have captured the essense of frustrions and sadness very well.
Some of the dialogue seems a little unnatural -- I think this could be remedied by making some of the words contractions -- when we speak we don't always say we will or you will - but you'll and we'll
i would have liked to know how old Tina was --Where you have "It was her birthday" you could easily change it to "it was her (tenth or whichever } birthday.
would make sure Tina gets what she had asked for
she was refusing to cut the cake Mamma has so lovingly prepared for her, until Grandpa comes with the big doll. - These parts you drift from past tense to present -- you might take a look at them.
I liked the explanation grandfather gave her -- i found it very endearing. And to me the story could have ended there without the explanation of an unknown twin. Sometimes the mysterious and supernatural is just as intriguing.
You have written a beautiful though sorrowful tribute. It reminds me of all the personalities it takes to make up this world and how through searching endlessly and making choice after choice we are not always guaranteed a happy ending and how that ending lives on in others.
I found now mistakes.
You wrote with wonderful descriptiona and emotion that made me not only feel for Trista and all the others, but to mourn the frustration Amber must have felt.
Intro was great reallly really pulled me in -- you got right into the story. I love that.
Character development was strong too -- i could really get a feel for all of them.
you did well with the foreshadowing -- i wouldn't have guessed the end but once i knew it i could see the subtle clues. I have to say I would never have thought of it.
I would suggest a little more detail on the "watcher" people and what is going on in her absent times. You elude to it, but i'm not sure all will get it.
The ending line was awesome - very fitting.
The ending climax didn't seem quite as strong as the beginning -- i do this a lot because i'm excited to finish -- you might take a break from it and then just go back to the last few paragraphs to give it the same "mmmph" as the beginning.
There were very few typos - i missing quotation at the beginning, and a couple of little things that running grammar check would catch -- overly that portion was great.
You have a unique intriguing tale here -- It is very strong - I enjoyed it.
Miracles come in all sizes; this miracle, which may not seem significant in and of itself, was a huge, life-changing event for my family and me. - i love this line because it does symbolize that while some may scoff at what we call miracles, to each miracles are individual and at most times vital.
I loved your writing style. It was intriguing, easy to read, and moved at a great pace.
he pictures were going to be Christmas gifts for my sister and my Mom. - mom is not usually capitalized when followed by the personal pronoun my
It was with that with up-and-down state of mind that I faced - i would delete the second with -- it caused a little stumble for me.
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