Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
lol - the picture was perfect. it gave me chills and made me laugh.
Improvement Areas:
I stumbled over the 4th stanza a little bit. it might just have been me though-- I think i wanted to read it as Is it instead of it is.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
i loved the beginning - it grabbed me right away -- also the line about your neck -- very inventive.
Suggestions:
i've never tried this poetry form before; you've inspired me to give it a shot!
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
An interesting approach and outcome to a first meeting. the description and vocabulary is superior. You retell a very personal memory that many will never experience, so your tale provides an experience to the unknown.
Improvement Areas:
I think your improvement comes in the sentence structure. For example:
The irritating flight delays, the comparatively crude and raw airline services, the unappetizing and hungering food and drink served on board, and the drab, half-civilised social atmosphere inside the generality of the transitional airplanes we boarded. - I know you are trying to get description here and let the reader be aware of some of the "obstacles" it just seems too wordy to me. I got lost in it. I find that most the time your introduction is more enticing if the sentences are shorter and more direct.
Mixing simple sentences with compound and complex will add a smooth rhythm to a piece.
unceremonious haste with which we grabbed the cups of boiled water offered us and gulped down their contents testified to our agonies, though the water was very warm -- I'm sure you mean boiling as a metaphor but describing it as boing and warm in the same sentence seems contradictory.
I think you need to mention your age earlier in the story. I had the visual of a grown man meeting his father at first.
Grammar/Spelling:
was by tradition an Akure indigene - extra space before by
( which was the only reality as far as I was concerned)— - extra space before which
looked forward to a Caucasian “daddy”, - extra space before a
been welcoming us since we arrived; expected him to be a “part” of my mother - accepting
My Favorite Part:
I think your use of figurative language is excellent. Makes me wonder about your talent as a poet as well.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Excellent intro -- very visual -- boy you have a young boy down pat. I could see every action clearly.
Improvement Areas:
and I’m gonna get all wet. Now mom WILL be mad at me, he thought - I don't think you need "he thought" it's already in italics and you've said it already, so the reader understands.
What happened to the storm. did it not rain? just thunder? maybe you could make this a little clearer
Grammar/Spelling:
kitchen. Billy could hear his moms’ friends = mom's
My Favorite Part:
Iloved the end -- It was like one of those germex commercials -- again, very boy like. Great job.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This was very unique and entertaining. A very creative way to deal with writers' block if there was truly one at this time.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
about what I’ve done during the day on wall calendar, (a)
its one of those big jobbers with lots of room for - it's
My Favorite Part:
I like the side comments like (the computer is always on). it gives it a conversational tone.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This was a unique story. I thought it was cute. It does give thought to what we do with our time as well.
Improvement Areas:
I would lowercase some of the words your have all in caps. It's ok to do it a little but when you overdo it, the effect gets lost. You have such a strong voice in your writing that the reader can tell what words would be accented.
Grammar/Spelling:
The state put me in here, they can damn well feed me for the next year. - semicolon instead of colon
My Favorite Part:
I really enjoyed your use of the dialogue to move the plot along. It seemed natural and was effective.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
It was cute - it made me chuckle, especially because it was written by a man, so it wasn't a "man-hater" piece.
Improvement Areas:
I know you are limited on words but you might try spicing up the words you do have. Just to add a little fire to it.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is a great descriptive and informative piece. You've taken me to a place I've never been and allowed me to open my senses to the surroundings.
Grammar/Spelling:
kinda like they are holding a sign, “Will Work 4 Food.” = kinda/ kind of -- (but you could be just letting your style show)
My Favorite Part:
i like the introduction of the chipmunks -- it brought a lot of life to the piece. Humor was inserted as well and I always love that!
Your style fo writing allows me to not only visualize it but relate as a Mom. The attention to detail like putting the chores aside and thinking you may get by without reading, really bring a reality that is soothing.
Nani is adorable throughout - a likeable character without a doubt.
No suggestions for improvement. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I feel like i'm a kid in a candy shop! Your strength is definitely in the mood you set and your vocabulary. It's almost like the background music of a horror film. I hope that makes sense. It does in my mind right now.
Grammar/Spelling:
that describes the owners demise - owner's
My Favorite Part:
Infectiously, the ink turns red
and flows into my vein.
A numbing feeling spreads
and noises echo in my brain. - this gave me chills, literally! I loved it.
I enjoy the fact that you tell a whole story here. It makes you want to think twice about looking through all books.
A clamor never ending.
Suggestions:
Another great pic!
** Image ID #1522690 Unavailable **
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Acccck! I love dark poetry. You are so versatile! And you did wonders with this poem. You've captured how i feel when I write "dark". I don't feel like I'm evil, I just feel the words needing a home.
Grammar/Spelling:
so it's darkness can be heard. - no apostrophe since it isn't a contraction for it is.
My Favorite Part:
A thought, so dark and vile,
that it stains my very soul,
yet I must give it life in words.
I must make it whole. === I love this -- the rhythm the rhyme the words -- poof! all of it.
Suggestions:
Very smart adding the vocab -- nice thinking ahead there.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Hey! I'm doing this contest, too! We must float in the same circles. Anyway, back to the poem. I love the vocabulary and the tone in this piece. You have given the voice intelligence and passion.
My Favorite Part:
and watch the barriers dissipate.
The time is past for more debate -- very strong ending, and so so so true.
The rhythm is very strong in this piece as well. I didn't stumble over any parts.
I really think you nailed this one. You've set the bar high.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Hey, I remember this prompt! Well done. You've provided all the essentials - setting, plot, characters, resolution. Nice job in so few words.
Improvement Areas:
I would look at the wording of the opening sentences -- you start them with the same 3 words. Also, if you can get away from using "had been" (though sometimes it is necessary} it will lighten up the story and make it more active.
Grammar/Spelling:
With dialogue - you make a new paragraph when a new person speaks even if it's just one line.
My Favorite Part:
I love the wife's attitude. I have to say - i would be much the same. You portray her very well! Suggestions:
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I just love your sense of humor. It is a little "off" but that's what makes it great. I think I have laughed everytime I read something from this folder, and they are all unique in their comedy.
My Favorite Part:
I loved the ending about heading south together. The picture was a great touch. I also enjoyed the voice. It was consistent and fit quite well. For instance, I made a big pretense and had old Blue right tricked.
This was a fun piece - you did great with the prompt.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Michelle, I can't even express the amount of times my mom has said she wants to just run away. I am her "sounding board" so I get the brunt of a lot of her feelings. Reading your story and seeing your feelings of wanting to escape helps me be more patient with her. I never once think that the desire to run away is one of desertion; I realize it is one of trying to claim your own life back. The need to be the person you have lost as the world has continued going on and on.
I love that you speak of the places you do find happiness, for instance the sistas. I think that will show people that it is not only ok but vital to make some time for yourself.
YOu speak of working throught he past -- what an incredibly scary thing for a lot of people. While the furture may not always look bright, we would rather focus on that than times that were "ugly". But you are right in your assertion that it is necessary to acknowledge and work through if we are to have the future we desire.
Improvement Areas:
The reason why I mention my sisters is that this time it was to celebrate my birthday. - i would clarify this by changing "this time" to "is this gathering was to celebrate"
Grammar/Spelling:
However, to sooth the egos of those who love me and want me to be happy - I think it's soothe
However, how to explain that to my brain and say that it is ok. I am loved. - this read a little awkward - I'm not exactly sure what you were saying. I think it is the explain that to my brain and say that it is ok part
. It has made me question every thing and every one - everything everyone
All those lost loves rejected me and now I think my work will get rejected too and it has tossed me backwards - comma after me, period before It has tossed me
My doctor is so sensitive and he reassures me that I will get better - comma after sensitive
I always wanted to find a lover, I found many but they never lasted long enough - period insteand of comma
I wanted to give the emotional support to him and I wanted his money to buy my house - comma after him
We call our group of six the "sista’s" it used to be the sisters of the traveling skort. Period after quotation - capitalize it
Thanks girls for giving me so much hope and making me feel normal - comma after girls
“well nothing happened, I will drive you to school now” - period after now
missed my opportunity to tell my parent’s how disappointed - no apostrophe
He returned to me my soul and I will be forever grateful that he was as open with his feelings. - comma after soul
Brian’s acceptance and understanding of bipolar is very limited and he kept telling me that I was labeling him and wishing that upon him, no I just knew what I was seeing but Brian was not ready for that - comma after limited. period after him so that No, I just knew starts a new sentence
I have been home and I did not have an escape like work, I had girlfriends and parties to go to but no 8-hour a day job to keep me from seeing the truth. - period after work instead of comma
and our Pediatrician convinced my - lower case pediatrician
husband that he needed to be tested. - I think you have an extra enter space here - i think it skipped a line
Finally, someone was going to listen to us - this paragraph's format has enters and spaces where it shouldn't -- like it was formatted differently
They were full and we had to wait three weeks before the Appointment - comma after full lower case appointment
He was all over the map, crying, kicking yelling at us, - comma after kicking
The doctor said there are three reasons that all doctor’s must follow to - extra space before there
The grammar things do not effect the readability; they are simply noted because I saw them.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Top Dawg Reviewers. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I hope you don't mind me choosing this one to read and review. But I was drawn to it since I have a sister with the same disorder.
Your writing and explanations and even differences in therapy makes my heart ache for you and also for my sister. I wonder had my parents known and gotten her to therapy sooner would things be easier now?
Your continual strength amazes me. I know the giving that is required of this sort of situation. It is a giving whole-heartedly without receiving near as much back. You seem to do it graciously. And for that you are a hero, not only to your son, but to every parent out there.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Top Dawg Reviewers. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I think it takes bravery to admit what our families are like. I've found at least with myself I feel a sort of failure at their imperfections - like they are an extension of myself.
You have written this where it doesn't sound whiny or pointing fingers, but rather it has emotion while stating the facts of what took place.
Children are truly amazing at their ability to read people and you've shown us this through you and your brother.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
--to stay afloat on the contagious notes of that laughter = great metaphor --the sentence sounds poetic. I very nice touch.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Top Dawg Reviewers. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
When I read poetry sometimes I'm blown away by the knowledge that their are othe people in the world experiencing the same thing we are when we felt we had to ge the only one going through it.
I have heard those same words come out of my mother's mouth regarding the children she adopted later on in life. YOu've portrayed it so well. You do lose your sanity in the fight to help them hang on to there's. You do become a pyschiatric unit, your knowledge of meds and "techniques" a new survival skill.
I would encourage my mother to read this, but I don't think she's to the point of finding comfort from others, if that makes any sense.
But I did find comfort in this poem. Knowledge too.
You are so right in the part where you say it just takes one little glimpse of a success to give you the strength to hold on to that rope.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Top Dawg Reviewers. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
To say this is inspirational is not even doing it justice. It is truth, it is raw, it is real, it is life.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I loved the first few lines so much. You pulled me in with humor and took me somewhere unexpected. As I read this (a couple of times) it came to me how often we try to punish god for people's or own actions. And yet, God is that friend that you can talk about behind their back and yet He still stands their waiting for you. You've reminded me of all this with your wonderful words.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Top Dawg Reviewers. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
As I read this it was so smooth it felt as if you were talking to me. There wasn't one bump in it.
I have to say I found the content extremely interesting. It shows that people write for so many different reasons. For instance, writing is an escape for me as well, but i tend to stay away from my real feelings in it for the most part. I think it is wonderful that you express your true self for so many people to know and appreciate.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
The part about hiding yourself behind a painted face and phony laugh. It really touched a place a think so many can relate to. How often do we pretend for the world that everything is perfect because it is easier to do so than to watch them be uncomfortable with our imperfections? You said it all wonderfully in just a few words.
This is so true about parents and their children's sports. You've captured many of the elements involved and the progression of how things and expectations change.
The only thing I would suggest is possibly moving this from the short story category to an article or essay since it is about a subject, rather than having a plot.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Top Dawg Reviewers. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I love this! From the metaphors to the individuality in it - it all worked for me. The rhythm was great. This is such a reflective piece.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
for Life does not stand still.
Whether in dry, void terrain or
in lush, verdant fields
My paths ever carry me onward. -- you are so right on this -- i love it -- life is a journey that will lead you many different ways. You've phrased this eloquently - very inspiring.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
You have captured schizophrenia well here. My sister suffers from it, and I've heard her express similar things. You portray the confusion and helplessness well.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
I know poetry can have freedom with punctuation, but I thought I'd point these out in case it wasn't just for style purposes.
"Leave me alone," I beg. "go away!" "Go away!"
"You will listen," they hiss. "to what we say!" "You will listen," they hiss, "to what we have to say!"
"Then who," The Chanters ask "Are you talking to?" The Chanters ask, "Are
My Favorite Part:
The ending was great and I didn't see it coming. It left a very haunting feeling.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf of your recent win in the Broken Heart Poetry Contest. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
lol - This was really funny. Even though I had figured you were in the wrong car, the way you wrote it and the upcoming events were very enjoyable.
The western novels perplex me as much as the hair though -- do people still read those? Just kidding, my dad does.
I love that you hold on to the happy memories. I think the way you started the piece did help us understand the magnitude of such a day, and why it felt so special.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I loved how you ended it. The resolution was very smooth. It made me thinnk of times where no words were needed to be said to get the laughter started again.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Very nice piece. Action and mystery -- always a good combination.
Improvement Areas:
I would work a little on character development so we can relate and visualize the two characters more.
Grammar/Spelling:
She was known for mischief like these, - like this
“Or what? You’ll tell on my parents?” Ling teased. delete on
“It’s was in there.” "It was in there."
It was obvious that she’s been in the cave - she's/she'd
My Favorite Part:
There it was a lizard like creature unlike anything Lee has ever seen in his life or in encyclopedias. It was around 12 feet long and stood about 5 feet tall. Its legs were short and stocky able to hold up a guesstimated 800 to 900 pounds of flesh and muscle. It moved like a crocodile would on a dry surface wobbling its entire body.
This was a great descriptive paragraph. Very well written. It made me feel as if i were seeing it with them.
Suggestions:
Good job!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
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