Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
A very intriguing tale told from a different point of view. It reminds me of how often we overlook the intentions of things in life.
Improvement Areas:
The first paragraph is great in description, but I would suggest varying the lengths of your sentences. It is composed of many long sentences that can be a bit hard for the reader to find a rhythm in.
Grammar/Spelling:
Slowly, Khoko lowered his body to the ground while never loosing sight of his target. - losing
and make his way into the kitchen - make/made
My Favorite Part:
I love the last 2 paragraphs - the connection between owner and cat is endearing and realistic.
Your word choice is also very strong, setting a great mood in this piece.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Wow, a very deep side. I, like the world I'm sure, hate a hurting heart. and you are right it can't be measured. Never the amount nor the amount of time it will hurt. Because even years later the hurt can surprise you with a sting.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
A really great story of suspense and the surreal. I could see it clearly played out in my mind. Great job with painting the picture. Your plot is excellent - i found it enticing and oddly believable in a Twilight Zone kind of way.
Improvement Areas:
My suggestion would be in sentence structure and just tightening the story up a bit.
For example, the following sentence has 4 prepositional phrases right in a row - if you added one to the beginning or combined some it would be smoother.
I had walked this same block every day for the past two years on my shortcut to my favorite restaurant for lunch
Everyday for the past two years I had walked this same block as a shortcut to my favorite resaurant for lunch.
She was dressed in a blue skirt with a white poodle on it that made her look like a throwback to the fifties.
Dressed ina blue skirt with a white poodle, she looked like a throwback from the fifties.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
But there was a quality to the voice that suggested to me that this was not a transient. - great foreshadowing and suspense builder
Suggestions:
I did really enjoy this and can see why it was awarded a ribbon!
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
I'm so glad I read this before going to bed. This puts me in such a peaceful mood. what a wonderful story and beautifully written.
In this peice you have given personalities and heart to individuals we often turn away from, pretending they don't exist. The theme of helping and upport is one we all can take a lesson from.
This is very picturesque and oddly comforting, even with the great description of the cold and uncomfortable surroundings.
i wonder if you meant this to have different meanings to different people. I imagine Mr. Tibbs as an imaginary friend. Am I right?
I think you did excellent with the 300 words. You do wonderful with setting and characters in such a short span. The grammar and structure is flawless.
lol - i have to say i did enjoy this -- I found myself chuckling throughout (well giggling sounds more ladylike). Internet romance always makes a good subject, but you added a uniqueness to it.
This was very well-written and thought out. YOu make great points in a very non-lecturing sort of way. The comparison of poetry to our children made me smile while at the same time it brought home the point of your piece.
I love this!!! As a teacher I get tons of candles and lotion as gifts, therefore, my family gets a lot of candles and lotions. I am the queen of regifting. Some may see us as tacky, but as you so eloquently put it does serve a dual purpose. Great idea for a poem and so well-written. Thanks for making me smile! audra
i love how effortless your writing seems. The rhyme was perfect and you described the personalities of cats to a tee. I think their personalites are diverse as humans.
You are very talented. I'm glad you are sharing your writing at WDC.
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
yuck!!! I hate spiders. I would have killed it, or rather had someone kill it. The only thing worse might be mice -- eww gving me the shivers.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I loved the ending. I guess everyone there is something to look out for.
I've never heard of spiders being good luck either. I think a man must have made that up to soothe his wife. lol
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
Really great poem. Excellent meter. I wasn't sure until the end whether it was a father or husband that was gone. I actually like not knowing until the end and then finding that it was temporary not abandonment.
Great job -- i can see why you won Khalish's contest. This is a delightful and clever read. Your metaphors as well as your meter is perfection. It was the perfect legnth - left we wanting more but feeling more than satisfied
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This was a very insightful piece. I think, at leaste for me anyway, writing about myself and reflecting honestly about the past can be very difficult. I admire you for being able to do it so well.
Improvement Areas:
The 6th paragraph seems a little jumbled. I think maybe just reaarranging the order or adding some more transitions words would helped it become smoother.
Grammar/Spelling:
its just that he should've had children at a later time - it's
My relationship with my sisters' improved after I graduated high - no apostrophe
My Favorite Part:
I like the fact that you gave detailed examples. NOt only does it support your feelings, but it provides a visual for the reader and assists in character development.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra{/c
This is such a great senosry detailed poem. I could feel, taste, see, hear everything about the fair. I felt like i should check my pockets for extra tickets. You have made a delightful poem with a very strong voice setting a contagious mood!
I completely get what you are trying to say and it is well-written. But dang I want that sparkling house lol. \
Seriously, this is a piece that calls for attention. It makes you wonder how often we just look at the outside and assume the inside looks the same, because, perhaps we don't want to have to deal with any uncomfortableness.
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