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698 Public Reviews Given
972 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Firm yet fair.
I'm good at...
Poetry and short stories.
Favorite Genres
Historical fiction and fantasy. I also love any type of poetry, especially form poetry.
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-fi.
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Short story, poetry, chapter.
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Interactive.
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Interactive.
Public Reviews
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251
251
Review of The Storm  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings Johnny ,

I found your poem on the Request Reviews page and thought I'd take a look.

DICTION, TONE, VOICE:

The tone is that of someone that is lost, almost dark. The diction was all right, but very good with the simile "Rain pounds on you like many hammers."

SOUND PATTERNS:

The only alliteration I found was "hand helped."

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

An empty field, black clouds, lightning, rain and a hand are all rich images. All but the hand seem to be sinister images and seem to fit the tone well.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION, AND RHYME:

Line breaks were great, punctuation was appropriate, and the word "you" was repeated just a little bit too much. This poem employed a non-rhyming scheme. The meter started off well with the first two lines, but was thrown off with the third, as it had too many metrical feet. The meter went on to not be uniform for the rest of the poem.

ERRORS:

I found no spelling/grammar errors.

NEEDS WORK:

Sprinkle some alliteration throughout the piece, in moderation, and tighten up the meter.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Rain pounds on you like many hammers."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a triumphant tale of someone who was lost and alone, not feeling like he was going to be able to make it, but lo and behold, a "hand" comes from out of nowhere to help him through those trying times, the "storm." It was something I could definitely relate to.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing* Please feel free to drop by my portfolio at any time, and if you're interested, check out my poetry contest, "The Perfect Sonnet Contest"  Hope you submit an entry!

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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252
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Little T !

I did an Authors search to find the newest accounts created and found yours, so here I am. Welcome, we're glad to have you.

DICTION, TONE, VOICE:

The voice is first person, as is evidenced by the "we," and the tone is very dark.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I didn't find any true alliteration or repeated vowel sounds.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

The empty house, the children, the neighbors, the dead owner, full moon and shooting star are all rich images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION, AND RHYME:

Line breaks were good, punctuation was appropriate, there was no rhyming scheme, and there was a lot of repetition of the words "death" and "Another empty house." It almost became trite in the end, the repetition of "Another empty house," so maybe find another clever way to phrase it to get the same point across without using the same words. The meter was good in the first stanza, but in the second stanza, it was not uniform, and went every which way. I clap my hands while reciting my poem out loud to count out the metrical feet to see where there are too many or too few, and then I can make adjustments accordingly. When the meter goes awry, the reading becomes awkward.

ERRORS:

"Shinning" should be "shining."

NEEDS WORK:

The meter.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"We go in the earth
as time progresses."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a sad piece about life and death, and those who are no longer with us, leaving behind their "empty houses." I felt the raw emotion in every stanza, and felt like I was the narrator living in that moment.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing* And feel free to check out my portfolio! Just click on the briefcase next to my name. *BigSmile*

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
253
253
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Greetings Zanpakuto,

I found your story on the Request Reviews page and thought I'd take a look.

Plot:

Two adults and a baby are trapped in a room while a battle is going on outside. The house is on fire, and pretty soon it will be too late to escape. The man wants to take the baby to The Fae (who I assume to be fairies) but the woman is against it. He insists that it is the only chance for the survival of their kind.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The young man, woman and baby. Each one was described well physically, but I would've liked to know more about their personalities, that is, except for the baby.

Setting:

In a burning house while a battle ensues outside. Awesome setting.

Narration:

The narration was rich, and flowed with even pacing throughout the piece. It described the scene well, and desribed the characters in great detail.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue started out halfway through the story, and I would've liked to see it a little earlier than that. When it did appear, it was appropriately placed, germane to the situation at hand.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning has good action, but a lack of dialogue. The ending is fantastic, with the attack on the woman, something we all saw coming but were hoping wouldn't happen.

Errors:

"ssh and scorch marks" I believe should be "Ash and" etc. "None-the-less" should be "Nonetheless." "it was the fact that the child, only a newborn, radiated power to such an extent that even the ash seemed frightened to land on her, not that either of th two adults would allow it anyway," needs fixing by capitalizing the "it" in the beginning and fix the "th" to be "the." "here the woman trialed off," the "here" needs to be capitalized and "trialed" needs to be "trailed." "of the woman caring the baby," needs to say "carrying" etc. "no-one was supposed to entire," should be "no one was supposed to enter." There were also many sentences that needed to be capitalized at the beginning. Have someone proofread it.

Needs Work:

Try not to describe their appearances all in one go. For example, you described the young man's eye color, height and hair color all one after another. Find more clever ways to introduce them into the text. For example, "The light from the flames outside reflected in his sapphire eyes," or something like that. Include an action to go along with the description so that the reader doesn't feel like it's an information dump.

*Heart*Favorite Lines:

"Blood splatter dashed against the forest floor, but not a sound was made," and "The silence was that of death."

Summary:

It was a tale that had me interested from the beginning until the end. I wanted the woman to give the baby to The Fae, and I was sad when the arrow hit her.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing* I'm also looking for reviews on my short story And Then There Were Two, so if you could take a look at that, I'd appreciate it!

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
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254
Review of I Am The One  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Greetings Taylor,

I don't usually review lyrics as I am no expert on them; my forte is really poetry and fiction, but I will do my best.

I liked the rhyming scheme; it worked really well. The meter was masterful, and I couldn't find any line that had too many or too few metrical feet. I'm sure it goes great to music. I found no spelling/grammar errors.

The dark emotion was felt all throughout these lyrics. "Huddled in the corner/Bleeding from his wrists," is such a strong image that leaves a lasting impression in my mind, and I can feel the pain of the narrator in it. The lyrics start out in a sad tone and end in one of near desperation. "With tears in his eyes/Wishing he was dead" sums it all up in two vivid lines. There was excellent word choice, and the vocabulary was great.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! And please review something from my portfolio when you find the time.

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
255
255
Review of Real Magic  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings again Dave,

I'm taking a look at some more items in your port since you asked. I hope you'll reciprocate, as I'm always looking for reviews of my work *BigSmile*

TONE:

The tone was mysterious, as I wasn't sure where the poem was heading, so I wanted to keep reading. That's a good thing.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I didn't find any real alliteration here, although there was a slight echo with "mumbo jumbo" and "abracadabra," which sounded nice.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Sleeves, hands, vaudeville acts, smoke and mirrors, and eyes are all rich images. I especially liked the vaudeville act, my mind tried to veer off in a different direction while reading that but the poem kept me engaged.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION, AND RHYME:

The line breaks were clean, the rhymes were solid, but there was just a tad bit too much repetition of the word "no." The meter could be fine-tuned, for example, "It's not a trick," seems to be short by one half of a metrical foot. When I'm trying to count out my metrical feet, I clap my hands to count the beats, almost like a song, and if it sounds like I'm rushing into the next line too soon, then that line's too short, or the exact opposite; if it spills over into the next line, then it's too long. I personally feel like if it's going to rhyme, then it has to follow some sort of metrical format. Non-traditional non-rhyming poetry can sometimes (sometimes) get away with breaking the meter rules, but in my opinion, it still sounds awkward.

ERRORS:

I found no spelling/grammar errors.

NEEDS WORK:

Tighten up the meter a bit, and maybe add some alliteration sprinkled throughout the poem in a couple of places. It's like ear candy.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"No smoke and mirrors,
to make eyes lose focus."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I wasn't sure how this was going to end, since I was convinced that the narrator indeed was no street magician. But with the ever so subtle line about closing our eyes and opening our minds, I had to smile at that. Very wise words, and good word choice. It left a smile on my face.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
256
256
Review of Just Some Old Guy  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Poetic Bard,

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look.

DICTION, TONE, VOICE:

The tone is nostalgic, regretful and has what sounds like an aspect of surrendering to the situation at hand.

SOUND PATTERNS:

"That their" was the only alliteration I found. I would've liked to see more; it's like music to the ears.

IMAGERY:

The only real solid image I took from it was of an old guy. The rest seemed to be more ideas and thoughts, rather than tangible things one could picture in one's mind.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION, AND RHYME:

It sort of rhymed in the first stanza, but then broke away from that, so I would either stick with the rhyme, or have it not rhyme at all, because it's an awkward switch in gears. The word "I" is repeated a lot. The meter is random and unorganized. I'd read it aloud to hear it; it doesn't flow smoothly in places, although the first stanza is all right.

ERRORS:

"That there whole life has been spent" should be "That their" etc.

NEEDS WORK:

I'd like to see more imagery, and work on the meter.

FAVORITE LINES:

"I see a lot more track behind me, instead of ahead." I'm sure most of us can relate to that in some way, since none of us know how long we're going to be here. It seems daunting in a way.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a sorrowful account of a person regretting the life he has led, and not really looking forward to the future, uncertain of how much of a future there really is. The raw emotion was felt in each stanza. The tone stayed consistent throughout.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing!

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
257
257
Review of Love  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings,

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look.

DICTION, TONE, VOICE:

The tone is that of someone who has been hurt, and he is perhaps resentful for that.

IMAGERY:

The bed of roses and broken hearts were rich images, and contrasted well with each other.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION, AND RHYME:

The first line has too many metrical feet compared to the other lines in the rest of the poem, and it throws the whole piece off. The poem doesn't rhyme, and that works well for the tone. The word "love" is repeated four times, which may be a little too much.

ERRORS:

If you're going to end one line with a period, you should do that with every line, or alternate with a comma and then a period, depending on which one is more appropriate. "when it really isnt." should be "isn't." "They say love wouldnt" should be "wouldn't." "Well. they lied" should be "Well, they lied," etc. " i made it" should be "I made it." "We are over and so am I," should be "We are over, and" etc.

NEEDS WORK:

The grammar errors above, and the meter throughout the piece.

FAVORITE LINES:

"Some people speak as if love is a bed of roses when it really isn't."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

It was a heartfelt poem, and the emotion was conveyed very well in each line.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing!

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
258
258
Review of Remembering 9/11  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Greetings again Tim,

It's always an honor to review your work. I found your poem by doing a History genre search.

DICTION, TONE, VOICE:

The tone was nostalgic, resentful and challenging all at the same time.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There were many echoes, such as "Twin towers," "doing their duty," "so many slain" and "tearful tally." Just enough to make it as music to the ears.

IMAGERY:

Twin towers, brave heroes, Flight 93 and villains were all very good images, and very morose in nature.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION, AND RHYME:

The rhymes were great, and didn't sound forced. The meter in every stanza except for the first flowed really well, and was uniform. In the first stanza, the meter didn't seem to jive as some lines had too many metrical feet when compared to the rest of the poem.

ERRORS:

I didn't find any spelling/grammar errors.

NEEDS WORK:

The meter in the first stanza.

FAVORITE LINES:

"Battling their captors with distinction and honor," and "They gave to those villains a most timely rest." Great word choice there.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

It was a wonderful ode to that awful day, and remembering those whose lives were lost, but not to be in vain. It was a pleasant read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing!

April

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
259
259
Review of Signs  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Nickel,

I found your item on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. The beginning caught my interest right away with the action of "him" signing it, and I wanted to keep reading to find what exactly "it" was. The middle was good, but it seemed to lack some sort of conflict. I know you probably had a time limit in which to write this piece, but it needs some sort of conflict, an obstacle to overcome to get to the ending. I'd fix "It took 2 months" to "It took two months." Write out the numbers one through ten, and then 11 and on can be written in numerical form. Other than that I didn't find any other glaring spelling/grammar errors. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

April

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
260
260
Review of I love you.  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Paper Goddess,

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies and thought I'd take a look. I love the theme about seasons; they're everchanging, as are we as people. I liked the line "Breezing past and leaving us behind," there was good word choice there.

I would recomment placing commas in the first line, to read "Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall," and "Seasons, like feelings, we have them all." I wasn't quite sure what you meant by the last line, it left me a little confused, and we don't want to be confused at the end of a poem.

I didn't find any spelling mistakes, just the need for those commas. The richness of the words "Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall" conjure up tons of images in my head of good times. Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! And check out my poetry contest in my portfolio!

April

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
261
261
Review of Lost Ages  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Rousseau,

I found your poem when I did a search by History genre. I loved the theme that money played in this piece. It was central to the poem's message that money can change people and make them do evil things, things they wouldn't normally have done before. "As leaders preach in deceitful clarity/My children get covered in red" are my favorite lines. The language you employ is exquisite, and you show a true mastery of the English language. The poem is riddled with rich images, from the milk and honey, money to the blue sky and mountains. I found no spelling/grammar errors. The rhymes were solid and not trite. The meter was near perfect in every line. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my new review forum below!

April

*BalloonR* A review from "Invalid Item" ! *BalloonR*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
262
262
Review of A dream  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings I Dream Of You,

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page and thought I'd take a look. I liked the imagery of the field and the stars, and the blackness of the sky. I imagine it was nighttime? It's interesting that God has appeared to speak to the narrator of the poem, almost in human form. I would put quotation marks around when God said "They look so beautiful." I imagine the walking away of the narrator to be walking away from God; that is walking away from religion as a whole. It's very symbolic. The narrator didn't see the beautiful stars that God saw, so he/she simply walked away from it all. Well done. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my poetry contest in my portfolio!

April

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
263
263
Review of The Unburdening  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Madam Butterfly,

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page and thought I'd take a look. I love poems about writing, they're the best. You've used great imagery here, from the cage, frosted glass, hidden path, inky seas to the paper land and pen. The way you weaved the words together was exquisite. I found no spelling/grammar errors. My only suggestion would be to shorten the last line, as its meter doesn't match that of the rest of the poem; there's too many feet. Cut out a few syllables. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my poetry contest in my portfolio!

April

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
264
264
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Adrien,

I loved the symbolic use of thorns, seeds, flowers and blossoming. It gave the poem a great theme. There was rich imagery employed here, and fantastic metaphors were seen in each stanza. I found no spelling/grammar errors. The rhymes were good, except for the last rhyming couplet, before and morn. They do not work. The meter was good as well up until the last stanza, second line which seemed almost double the length of the other lines. Maybe cut it down to say "the two the night before"? Readers will know which two you're talking about.

I really liked the lines "speak with tongues of hearsay/as they flaunt a pose to strike." Very good word choice there. All in all it was a great read. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my poetry contest in my portfolio!

April

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
265
265
Review of The Stop Off  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Greetings Stuckintime,

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look. I was very taken in by this story. The scene was set well, and the pacing was good; it wasn't rushed or too slow in places. The ending was amazing; I was scared just reading it, and your depiction of the souls trapped in that room with their "silently screaming mouths" was very colorful.

The beginning started off a bit slow for me. I would've liked to see some good action and dialogue. In fact, there was no dialogue in this piece. Why is that?

This story had me engrossed and at the edge of my seat nearly the whole time, especially when the tapping sounds started. I was sold. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my short story contest!

April
266
266
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Cherish,

You've written a tragic tale of love and life and a shipwreck. Storytelling poems are one of my favorites. The archaic-sounding language employed is appropriate to the times, and you show a real penchant for that style. They rhymes were good, not strained or forced. The meter was a bit off at times, with some lines being too long, while others were too short.

"Notions till your head" should read "notions fill your head," and "And Ohow" should be "And o how," but other than that I didn't find any other glaring spelling/grammar errors. You've done a wonderful job. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

April
267
267
Review of Crashed Witches  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Big Bad Wolf,

I fould your short story on the Review Request page and thought I'd take a look. It has a good message of not drinking and flying, the witch's version of not drinking and driving. The description of how the accident happened was well-detailed, and was properly placed.

"Eliza was never sort" should read "was never short," and "good in bed to" should be "in bed too," but other than that I didn't find any glaring spelling/grammar errors. The story started off kind of slow; I would've liked to see some action and dialogue in the beginning to get the ball rolling, and then the exposition can come later on.

I liked how there was a moral of the story. Too many stories just tell stories, without any message, but this one had a good one. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my short story contest!

April
268
268
Review of A Poem  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Keke,

I found your poem on the Read a Newbie page and thought I'd take a look. I love the analogies and references to songs and music, and how love is like a song, and it makes the narrator's heart sing. I especially liked the line "Free as a bird soaring to my emotional consciousness," that was a great image, metaphorical in nature. The non-rhyming scheme worked for this poem, and the rhythm flowed well throughout most of it, although some lines were just a tad bit too long compared to the rest; maybe cut them in half and then they'll fit better.

"Old classics become a new" should read "become anew." Other than that, I didn't find any glaring spelling or grammar errors. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my poetry contest in my portfolio!

April
269
269
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Glaedr,

I found your prologue on the Read a Newbie page and thought I'd take a look. This is an interesting setup to what could very well be a promising story. You've thought it out well, and gotten your facts straight. I love dragons, so I was pleased to find that they were the main characters in this story. Elves are great, too. I liked how you named the planets and the river with names in a different language, it reminds me of the Lord of the Rings.

"40 days and 40 night" should read "40 nights." Other than that, I didn't find any glaring spelling/grammar mistakes. I usually like stories to start off with action and dialogue to get the story moving along, but since this is a prologue, I suppose it's more appropriate for exposition and descriptions to take up most of the piece. It was short, which made it easy to read, and the end left me wanting to read more. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my short story contest in my portfolio!

April
270
270
Review of Shadow Dancer  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Voodoo Shampoo,

I found your story on the Review Request Page and thought I'd take a look. I loved the evolution of the Shadow Dancer, and the evolution of the shaman into a Shadow Dancer. What an interesting concept! The pacing was well done throughout the piece, and the vocabulary was exceedingly excellent. "Nor any other kind of lunatic," was a great line! There were many more, in fact too many to quote from. The language employed really enlivened the piece.

I found some grammar errors, namely "it's" should be "its" in many instances. Some commas needed to be place here and there, but other than that, there were no glaring errors. I really enjoyed this read. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my short story contest!

April
271
271
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Mangai,

You've written a powerful letter to the narrator's lover who has hurt him/her badly, and deeply. The dark emotion was felt in every line. The pacing was well done, and the vocabulary was good. The main theme was that one shouldn't lose oneself to another all in the name of love. That theme was well conveyed throughout the letter.

I have some suggestions. The first line should end with a question mark. "Before realizing this dangers" should read "these dangers." Other than that, I didn't find any glaring spelling or grammar mistakes. You've gotten your point across well, and in doing so, made me ponder what it is to really love and how much one should dedicate to loving someone else. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my contests!

April
272
272
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Katzen,

I found your story to be quite interesting. It began with good action and dialogue, which got the story moving along at a great pace, which remained consistent throughout the story. The vocabulary is excellent. "Would gladly cut your kidney for your money," is a great line! I like the main character, and am very interested in what she's doing. The ending leaves us in a sort of cliffhanger, when she realizes that she doesn't know where to go now that she's given away what she was transporting. I only wanted to know in what city/country this takes place, and what year. Overall, it was a great read. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

April
273
273
Review of The Apocalypse  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Bibi,

I found this piece on the Read a Newbie page and thought I'd take a look. You've employed great metaphores and analogies, and the vocabulary is exceedingly excellent. The storyline is great, and the pacing flows well. I liked the line "Mother Earth has been anesthetized and undergoing hysterectomy," and "From now on She would be barren forever. Doomsday it is." What a powerful note on which to end the story! Your version of the apocalypse is interesting and well thought out. I found no spelling errors or grammar errors. It was a wonderful read, and much deserving of its 5 stars. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! Check out my port if you find the time, and check out my short story contest!

April
274
274
Review of Ophelia's garden  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Greetings again Sylvia,

I found this story interesting and cute. Your fairy characters were easily likeable. The descriptions of their daily lives were well done, however, I would hold off on the exposition in the beginning, as I would like to see more action and dialogue in the beginning to get the story flowing.

Again, there didn't seem to be much conflict or struggle that the characters face. There needs to be something that they must overcome to make the story complete. Some areas needed commas, so go over it with a fine-tooth comb and you'll find those spots.

Overall it was a good read, and has much promise to be a great story. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

April
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In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Greetings Handyman,

I loved the language employed in this piece; it was appropriate for the characters, and oftentimes writers are hesitant to use colloquial language, fearing that it strays from proper English and good writing, but I disagree. To really capture the essence of one's character, one must write like that character, and have them speak as such.

The storyline was nice, and the pacing was done right. There were some places that needed a comma and some words that needed to be capitalized, for instance, after an opening quotation mark, but that's about the only grammar errors I found.

I really liked the line "There was some chemistry there and not the kind you go to class for." That was brilliant!

The last line is a great one too, it ends the story on a great note, a positive and satisfying note in the narrator's point of view. You've done a fine job. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! And check out my short story contest!

April
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