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I am writing this review on behalf of TGDI Reviewers. Hi my name is Bertie.
The style of this poem is a bit confusing to me. The alliteration (word pictures) are rich and expressive, but, the rhyme is uneven, verses one and two rhyme and three and four do not. There are differences in the type face as well. I understand your right to write your poem in any way you may choose. That is totally your own world. However, I think in this case some of the styles distract rather than add.
For instance: the difference in type faces draw your attention immediately to that line. I find it distracting to the overall thoughts you are trying to convey. There are some words in bold and that also distracts from the overall message of the work. The fact that only two verses are set in rhyme throws the poem off rythym. You want a person to re-read your poem, but not because it was difficult to comprehend but because it flowed as a steady stream of information that delighted the reader. Also, there are several words that run together as in:
"between black)withredsticks fingers". I know that some word programs alter the type when it is transferred from one source to another and words that have run together can occur, but reading what you have written before posting should take care of this.
Then there is punctuation. Writing all your work in lower case without punctuation would be fine if there were not so many other peculiarities to encompass in this piece.
Overall this is a unique and interesting poem. If you wish to use a unique style that is indicative of your work, settle on one. Bold words highlighted at times, words run together at times, or rhyming every other verse. When you throw all of these together in one poem it confuses and that is one thing a writer does not want to do.
This is only my opinion. You may take all of what I suggest to heart or you may take none. This poem is your work, and only you know how you want it to appear and be read. I only seek to aid you in making it the best that it can possibly be. Most important keep writing, that is the only way we can truly learn. Blessings, Bertie
This is delightful. The rythym is wonderful, the upbeat appeal is satisfying. Brevity is the essence of a limerick and you have that mastered. Enjoyed reading this, keep writing, Blessings, Bertie
This is really well done. The rythym is flawless and the punctuation and spelling is perfect.
What I thought best about this poem was the strength of statement. It was not a candy sweet look at devotion but a very determined and dedicated view. The imagery is solid.
Perhaps you might want to substitute the word "gage" for rage?
Untouched by wintery rage,?
And so I'll be freed from winter's scorn,
By a love that will not age.
And so I will take this trek you request,
You may also want to change the beginnings of the first and third line above so that they stand out as individual thoughts.
And so I will take this trek you request,
Because my love knows no bounds.
Strong image of willing self sacrifice, these are my favorite lines.
I liked this poem. It reads well and the picture is clear. My suggestions are just that, suggestions. You may use them if you wish. Only you know how you want your work to read.
Most of all keep writing. That is the best way to learn. Blessings, Bertie
I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the POWER REVIEWERS
This poem has a wonderful flow. It moves very nicely from stanza to stanza. No punctuation errors, or spelling mistakes. The imagery was rich. Especially the alteration between the feelings in the first and second stanza and the third. the first two present a rather united existence with nature and the third one changes all that:
"Tonight, wood and stone are no respite
from flesh and blood troubles.
Nature's no shelter from human sorrow"
We see how the person yearns for home and nature cannot console him, until in the last verse:
"a lone voice calls from the shadows,
calling me home."
There is no solace elsewhere for this individual except to his home.
A very simple poem with very deep meanings. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and critique it. Blessings, Bertie
I am reviewing your work on behalf of POWER REVIEWERS
I have never critiqued a poem like this before. I find it to be beautiful; it transported me. I saw the delicacy of the flowers against the volcanic rock.
The imagery was so brilliant. I found all puncuation to be perfect and the flow easy and calming.
This is very well done and delightful poem to read. I especially appreciated the word explanations at the bottom of the page. After reading them the picture was crystal clear.
Blessings, Bertie
Strong mental imagery. I can feel the drag of the woman's feet up the slope of the bridge and the relief she feels at attaining the sumit. This is skillfully written and a joy to read.
I find no spelling or grammatical flaws and the rythym was spot on. An easy read and genuinely lovely work. Blessings
What happened? Where's the rest? I am very interested because this has the seeds of a very engaging story. I gave it 4 rating because the idea is wonderful. I look forward to a finished story.
The ending of this poem was really good. If you don't mind a little constructive criticism, in the first line, eliminate "she" and the rythym will flow more smoothly. A typo in the sixth line I think you meant "home" and wrote "him". Take away the period at the end of the eighth line
Try this punctuation:
She agreed most eagerly
the man seemed meek and kind;
little did Mrs. Trundle know
what fate the cats would find.
There are two many syllables here:
He enjoyed his crazy experiments.
That's how he liked to play.
Perhaps eliminate "his crazy"
This part has only grammatical improvements take away the commas
Some say when it is windy
and the day has turned to night,
you can see him in his yard
flying a fuzzy grey-tailed kite.
This is really a wonderful poem. A little adjustment should make it better. Remember, this is only my opinion and I only seek to give you advice that I believe will improve your poem. You don't have to do a thing to your work it is yours after all.
Thank for the opportunity to read and critique this piece, it is a really good idea set to poetry.
You get the point across perfectly. I find the meter a little off in the areas where you are explaining the action, maybe there is a beat left out? I try to read my poems rythymically to see if the meter fits. Just a suggestion. Also, was the last eight stanzas part of the poem? It confused me a bit, although the meter was much more decided in the last eight lines. Good imagery, especially through the mind of the molester. Well put together and flowed nicely. Thanks for sharing, Blessings, Bertie
Very good rhyme, well thought out. The point you made was spot on and the poem lives up to it's title. It has a very lively message without being heavy handed.
Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie
Perfect rythym and rhyme coupled with strong mental imagery. I loved the walk through a snowy day that you treated me to. Beautiful picture, wonderfully painted. Blessings
Very vivid. Brevity is the essence of good poetry. Get the most out of a few lines, a few words. You succeeded wonderfully here, this could inspire a whole story. Very well done.
The ending of this piece tells me nothing. The language flows beautifully through the work, and it is therefore, rapidly read. But, I don't see a point to this. The narrator is dying, that is evident and the title comes into play with the idea of the story, but the end is anti-climatic. Perhaps you meant it this way, ending before the "ending?" It is hard for me to tell. Liked your use of English, though.
Ouch, really good. Poor little Merlin. This is really well put together, the style is direct no wasted words. Your setting is very dark and damp and adds to the reader's alienation. I enjoyed this, very original.
In my opinion brevity is the essence of a good poetic endeavor. The shorter the poem and the more successful a writer is of making his point in a few short lines the more accomplished the author. That being said, this is surely brief, but, there is a world of philosophy in those five short lines. The other wonder of poetry is construction. Although this does not rhyme and does not have a stated rythym, it opens a world of thought for those who read it. The world of man is brief and this poem is a clear application of that thought. Keep writing, this is well done.
I like the language of this vignette. It is natural and that is a gift. Rich dialogue is difficult to construct. There are some tense errors, for instance:
" my breath catching in my throat when the door cracks open so easily' "when the door cracked open" would be a little less confusing.
Overall this was a well written piece just long enough to portray the scenes you wished to construct. It may be advantageous to amplify the scene where she sees herself sitting in the chair. Just a bit more descriptive value, maybe a little of the room she's in, or the way the light came across her image. Make it more eerie.
Perhaps you could combine some of the ending sentences to emphasize the breif time she has to impress the passers-by. Aside from this minor point, the ending was perfect and unexpected. Remember this is your work and you may take all or nothing of my suggestions. Most important keep writing and honing your skill.
Blessings
This is a very interesting and engaging story. You pulled it together with solid mental imagery. There are some constructive errors, but they could easily be corrected with a pre-read before publishing. The story moved along really well and the tie in with the watch worked at just right time in the story so that it was not predictable.
Overall it was easy to read and well thought out. Remember this is your work and you may take some or none of what I suggest. However, I believe that these small changes will make a difference.
Blessings
Good alliteration, word pictures are strong. My only question is why you changed the style in the last stanza? Although it rhymes very nicely it kind of sets off the rhythm. Very brief and to the point makes for a forceful statement.
Oh, heavens, I am there with you. I always feel so much younger than my 62 years. Looking in the mirror is a wake up call, just as you state here. When seen through the eyes of love, all changes. This poem had excellent rythym and rhyme, didn't miss a beat. And, the resolution of the last stanza ties the whole thing nicely together. I enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.
Nice, well done statement without sentimentality. Logical in questioning what we will do to make things better as the humming bird took and gave.
My only criticism is the first stanza. It does not follow the rythmic pattern of the rest of the stanzas; the lines in the first stanza are shorter than the rest. Overall, it gets the point across with lovely imagery and alliteration. Keep writing, this is well done.
The flow of this piece is really well executed. I enjoyed your take on classical psychology, it can be a lot of mumbo-jumbo and everyone's got their own interpretation of how we are supposed to think and what makes us what we are. Loved the lines about Siggy Freud, I often wondered why the world payed so much attention to an individual addicted to cocain. Go figure. My only criticism is Poe spelled his first name Edgar, not edger. Overall, very well written.
Believe it or not, this poem took me way back to when I was a child on autumn walks with my mom and infant brother. We would walk along and I would kick leaves or throw them up over my head. My mom would tell me the names of trees and flowers as we passed by. Very inspiring piece, flowed along easily. The little one's mind is so filled with possibilities, super hero, fighting bad guys, or maybe dueling with dad. The poem traces the way a young one would be inspired by a simple thing like a stick. A tribute to childhood imagination. Keep writing, I enjoy your work.
"She peers around an aspen tree" I can see this. The moonlit glint of her pelt, the stealth inherent in her approach to prey. There is much more suggested her than actually stated and that is, in my opinion what poetry is about. A scene played out with the minimum of wordplay so that only the raw idea is left. Concise and direct your word pictures say it all. Nice job.
I read this poem because I love brevity in poetry and no other division of poetic expression lends itself to briefness as does Haiku. However, I don't feel myself qualified to disect this poetic form. This poem expresses a definite statement, to the point. My only suggestion would be to find an alternative for "okay" To me, it weakens the final impact. You may want to take my advice or not. If you do, please let me know; I would love to see the alteration. Above all, keep writing, nothing improves our styles like practice.
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