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76
76
Review of Requiem  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello - My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions and as such, you may take some of what I advise or none of what I advise. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE:
REQUIEM - As a title this fits the poem to a "T". It is a death knell for a relationship.

THEME:
The theme of this poem is a lost love. It never wavers from that theme.

STRUCTURE:
Although this poem utilizes a form that I am not familiar with the flow is successful. The poem is brief and to the point making for a rapid read.

MY FAVORITE LINE: "Fragrance

of demise dominates the atmosphere"

Your word pictures are vibrant. This line specifically adds the feeling of being totally engulfed in the loss.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
Succinct; delightful. Filled with feeling.

Thank you so much for permitting me to read your work. You are a very good poet and I am anxious to read more of your poetry.
Keep writing and posting. We learn by our reviews as well as any other method available.
Blessings, Bertie
77
77
Review of IN HARM'S WAY  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really liked this poem. It had a wonderful rythm and flow to it that kept me moving right along. The subject matter is also very important to me.
My favorite part is:
"I paid the price, my dad did too, my grandpa led the way,
It’s time to stop this endless game, make war no more I pray"

My grandfather fought at Argonne Forest in WWI and my dad was wounded at Pearl Harbor in WW2. I am a patriot, but not a war monger. Like you, I long for peace. A beautiful poem; a prayer. I pray with you that we will be answered with peace soon.

Thanks for a great read. Blessings, Bertie
78
78
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
So delightful, I couldn't stop reading. Well told story in rhyme. I don't feel qualified to do an in-depth review of poetic offerings in the same way I do prose. I will have to learn more about structure before I do that. But, I really enjoyed this poem. I am a fan of odes such as this, I've penned a few myself. This poem held my interest to the very end. You mentioned so many poets it was obvious you know your stuff Great read, enjoyable. Next time you get the chance to visit this jamboree take photos. :) Blessings, Bertie
79
79
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
dogpack, I would like to make a small donation to your group. Perhaps it will help with something a member or yourself need. Blessings to you and yours. Bertiebrite
80
80
Review of Help at Home  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I so heartily agree with the above question. The US does go outside too much and not enough is spent here. Bush gave 80 mil to Iraq after 911, now what was that all about? We need money like that with the number of homeless and jobless here in our own land. I applaud you for the work you have done and wish you blessings for the work you will continue to do. Heaven speed your progress, Bertiebrite
81
81
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is downright humorous. I knew that the southern folks here in the USA sounded similar to English dialects, but I didn't know about the "Red Neck" connection. I'll bet you the idea of "Red Neck" is more common than Bill Engval knows. The term has become universal for half witted.

That aside, I found the beginning a bit wordy. Some of the terminology became clear by reading, but it might be a good idea to include explanations at the bottom of the page. At first, I thought this was a product review. It might be more advantageous to begin the narrative with the action and in the body explain the commonality of Red Necks and South Londoners that you discovered by seeing the video.

The piece reads like a Monty Python routine, (whom I am terribly fond of) and I enjoyed it.

My suggestion is to clip a bit of the wordiness, leave in the humorous accounts and rearrange the bit about the DVD. If you re-post after a revision, let me know, I would love to read it again. I will give you an in depth review if you wish, although there are not too many errors that I was aware of.

I enjoyed this look into a not-so-different culture. Blessings Bertie
82
82
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. The following statements are only my opinion. You may use some of my advice, or none at all. In the end, only you know how your want your work to read.

THEME: This is a poem built around the thought of deprevation. It never waivers from the theme. It is centered consistently around the topic.

TITLE: Somewhere In The World gives the poem a broad scope. It lives up to its title speaking about persons from all walks of life.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: This is a blank verse poem, and although that form uses little or no punctuation, I believe this work would benefit from a few commas.

"somewhere out there

a little girl is sitting on her bed

crying cause she misses her daddy

not knowing if he would come back..."


Add a comma after "somewhere". Add a semi-colon (;) after "bed". Change "would" to "will" in the last line.


"somewhere out there

a man lies next to the street

freezing

not knowing if he would eat in the next week..."


I would add a comma after "somewhere" in each first line. This will pause the reader so that they will be ready for the following thought.
"a man lies next to the street" If the man is lying next to the street he is on the sidewalk, however, if he is lying next to the curb he is lying in the street. Change the word "street" to "curb."
Omit the word "the" from the last line.
Change the word "would" to "will".
Place a semi-colon after the word "street" in the second line. Add a semi-colon after the word "freezing".

"somewhere out there

a woman is being held hostage

face to the carpet and afraid

not knowing if she would ever see her children again..."


I would omit the word "being" from the second line. "a woman is held hostage," fits the rythym of the poem more neatly.

Change "would" in the last sentence to "will".

Add a semi-colon after the word "hostage" and after the word "afraid".

"somewhere in the world

a old man sits

struggling to tie his shoe

not knowing who his family is..."


I found that the change in the first line of this stanza was refreshing. Perhaps it would be advantageous to try to do the same with the other first lines.

Change the first word of the second line from "a" to "an".

Add a period after the word "sits" in the second line.


"somewhere in the world

somebody has everything they need

everything they deserve

everybody they love

a home and money

food and clothes

a mother and father

but still isn't satisfied...."


I would change the word "deserve" to "desire" in the third line of this stanza.
Change "everybody" to "everyone" for the rythym to be tighter.
In the very last line, remove one period from the last line, elipses ( . . .) are only always three dots even at the end of a sentence.
Add commas after lines two through seven.


STRUCTURE: This poem needs punctuation to tighten the line by line rythym. It would also benefit by varying the wording of the first lines of each stanza.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This a poem of longing. It clearly speaks of the deprivation that people feel when separated from those they love. The last stanza highlights those who have all that the people in the previous stanzas long for, but are still not satisfied.
This poem needs punctuation to bring out the line by line punch that will bring power to the poem.


I would like to stress the need for punctuation in this poem. It is not necessary to capitalize letters, but for the sake of rythym; commas, semi-colons and periods are an important part of poetry. These punctuation marks help the reader to pause and take in a thought you have written before moving on to the next one.
I have enjoyed reviewing your work, thank you for the invitation to read your poem. Keep writing and putting your work out there for review.

Blessings, Bertie



83
83
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi my name is Bertie, I am writing this review on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. The following statements are only my opinions. You may take some of what I suggest or none of what I suggest. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

THEME: This is a work written about "The Buffalo Woman". I do not know the story behind this, but the poem tells the story and stays true to the theme.

TITLE: The title, NA WHITE BUFFALO WOMAN PROSE fits the piece well, except. that this is not prose, but a poetic style called "blank verse" in which rhyme is not necessary. Prose is written in the style of a regular written piece, a story, essay, etc.

RHYME: Since this is blank verse, rhyme is not important. Telling this tale in blank verse form keeps the flow vibrant. It is easy to read and more enjoyable in this form than it would be in a straight storied form.

RYTHYM: By keeping each line short, to the point and with a minimum of detail, the piece flows wonderfully from verse to verse.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: I find no spelling or punctuation errors. There is only one grammatical error "A evil Indian man came as predicted" change "A" to "An".

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This piece is excellently written. The work flows from beginning to end without interuption. It is engaging and tells a tale that is informative and delightful. The Native American way is the way of nature. They hold the natural world in great regard and that is evidenced in this poem

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"A evil Indian man came as predicted.
He killed the great white buffalo and
massacred most of the tribe.
Evil is no man's friend."

The last line here is powerful, summing up the warning that the Buffalo Woman gives to the tribe.

I completely enjoyed this piece. It is a wonderful rendition of what I am certain is an age-old tale. I will enjoy reading more of these stories. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. Blessings, Bertie

84
84
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. The following statements are my opinion only. You may take all of what I say or none of what I say, in the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

THEME: This is clearly an autumn poem. The alliterations are all of autumn with references to the harvest.

TITLE: Ballad Of The Wind, fits the poem in some aspect, but in my opinion the poem is more about the apple than it is the wind, even though the wind plays a strong part in the story.

RYTHYM: The poem moves very well due to its short sentences and phraseology.

RHYME: There is only one instance of rhyme in the fifth verse, in lines 19 and 21. It seems to upset the rythym just a bit, because I went back to re-read thinking I had missed something above.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: I see no spelling errors, and there are no grammatical errors. My only question in this area is, why are verses two, then verses four through six within quotes. It is not clear who is speaking and I found that confusing.

ALLITERATION: I must make a comment as to your use of "word pictures." Your imagery is superb. A whole picture is conjured in this short set of verses. I can see the mouth opening on the red, juicy apple to take a bite; the colors are vivid, bringing to mind a wide spreading apple tree.

MY OVERALL OPNION: Beautiful poem. Strong imagery and statements make this a lyrical read.

MY FAVORITE PARTS:

"Rosy lush lips touching fingertips
on emerald green the chosen palette
you gently fell, to mark the moment;
did you think the wind would catch you?
Y

You have given the apple a personality by asking the question in the last line.

"The color of dreams fading away,
when grass kneels to cushion the fall
to miss the harvest in a rotten mush,
but upon reflection, it's worth it all."


This verse sums up the poem nicely.

Thank you for allowing me to review your work. Keep writing and posting, feedback from out fellow authors is a wonderful way to learn. Blessings, Bertie
85
85
Review of Under Oak  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. The following statements are only my opinion. You may take some of what I say, or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

THEME: This poem serves a dual theme of Autumn and Romance. It covers both subjects very well with references to both instances.

TITLE: The title "Under Oak" fits the poem very well as the action takes place under a tree.

RYTHYM: The rythym of this poem is a bit hard to grasp when read. When spoken aloud, as you read it in your recording, the rythym and verve come to life.

RHYME: There is are only two instances at rhyming lines in this poem, the second and forth lines with "hood" and "blood", then you Rhyme the last verse which threw me off the rythym of the poem because the body of the poem has a different timing.

SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR: I find no spelling errors. I find no grammatical errors.

" . . .forgotten of green" I do not understand this phrase. Does it refer to the fact that now the green of summer is gone? It is just a little unclear in the context of that verse.

". . . the folds of your dress
dance your hips' singing." You may want to add a comma after "dance" as it is not clear as it is stated now whether the dress dances or your lover's hips. " . . .dance your hips" is a bit awkward, because the word "singing" seems to be left out of the sentence.
The word "hips" does not need an apostrophe.


" . . . and kneeling" These words seem to be stuck in the poem. It really has no follow up.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: When read aloud this poem's rythym works beautifully. But, when read on the page it stumbles because of the change up in rythym and the phrases that need further explanation. I enjoyed hearing it more than reading it. It is effective as a romance piece. Your imagery is strong and provides the reader with a clear idea of what the poem entails.

Keep writing and posting. Through the comments of others we grow as a writer, experience is the only way we learn. Thank you for letting me review your work, Blessings, Bertie


86
86
Review of Big Bad Wolf  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS. You may take all of what I say or none of what I say as advice. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


THEME: Since this is connected to a larger missive, it appears to carry the theme very well. An unknown entity will be considerably handled by the heroes.

TITLE: The title fits the story very well. Though "Big Bad Wolf" may lead one to believe it encompasses a children's fairy tale, this is anything but.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: “See, it's to easy. You got a hard on to keep the normals from getting hurt.” Change "it's to easy" to "it's too easy"

"It was one of a handful of tricks I had inherited, along with the ability to manipulate the areas of which said god held purview over; the sun which manifested as control over heat and flame and pestilence, which let me do some very creative, and often times not so pleasant, things with the naturally occuring bacteria and viruses inside the human body.'
This sentence is very wordy and uncomfortably long. Perhaps it would be advantageous to shorten, or make into more than one sentence. Spelling error for occuring - occuring

"He reached down as we walked, plucking a stick from the grass and sliding it behind his ear." How large is this stick? It confuses because if it is small enough to fit behind his ear, how will it be any use in defense? If it is big enough for defense, Eddie must have some enormous ears.

"The clearing my senses had led me too was a set two groups of trees." A set (of) two groups of trees?

“You know, call me crazy, but the crime scene tape led me to the same conclusion. Close quotes at the end of this sentence.

“It's quiet...too quiet.” Eddie whispered, grinning at his own corny joke."
I don't see a joke here. What is meant by this.

CHARACTERIZATION: The heroes are well rounded and portrayed as if you have known them a very long time. The confidence you show in their actions throughout the tale lead the reader back toward the theme every time. Something big and bad is about to be done away with. Despite their supernatural qualities they are very realistic.

STRUCTURE: Although this is a spin-off story, it flows very well and is great as a stand-alone. It peaks some interest in other tales as when there is mention of Jack's brother's death, and the intriguing bit about Jack's prison tattoos. It definitely has a beginning, middle and end.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: Enjoyable. Fast read, never bogging down in useless explanation or over flowery prose. The action is consistent once the protagonist enters the story. I would like to read more about this duo. They are engrossing characters.
















87
87
Review of What Do You Want?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Whitney/Richele- My name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. You may take some of what I suggest or none of what I suggest. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

Before I begin this review I want you to understand that just because the corrections may look like alot to do, it does not mean that you are a terrible writer. It means only that with the correction process you will learn what to do and what not to do.

THEME: The theme of a story is the overall message that the piece is trying to deliver. In this story, Nikkole is struggling for independence. It is very evident throughout the tale and the theme aspect is fullfilled.

TITLE: I do not find that the title fits the story. That does not mean that it will not fit it later on with more added to this piece. So, at this time it does not matter, but after the rest is developed it may. Remember what a title does. It pulls the reader in. I have read books I never would have noticed if it were not for the title. However, as I said above, wait for more of the story to develop before worrying over this. It is only something to keep in mind.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: "She watched crimson drip into white porcelin sink, she could hear her parents screaming at each other from downstairs." She watched crimson drip into "a" or "the" white porcelain . . . note that porcelain is spelled incorrectly.

"Her father has been traveling a lot for work lately and wants to move, but her mother refuses." Here you change your tenses. If you start with past tense, as you have in the first sentence which is passive present, you should maintain the same tense throughout your piece.

"If I hadn't been such a needy child, none of this would ever happen she thought." There are two ways to handle a persons thoughts in writing. One way is to make the sentence italicized without quotes. The other way is to use quotes and say "she thought" after the sentence.


"She grabbed a cool wash rag and wiped off her shoulder." Why did she have to wipe off her shoulder?

"s***!" she shouted, noticing she grabbed a white rag rather than a black one." Explain the problem with the choice of color of rag here.

"Nikkole quickly tossed the rag under sink and pushed her make up box in front of it." Obviously this is a problem, but it is not cleared up for the reader and you don't want them scratching their heads, do you?

"She starred . . ." change starred to stared.

"shattering the girl at the top." I thought there was a crown at the top.

"This is all your fault" she whispered fighting back her tears." Who's fault, the statue's? Make this clearer, perhaps naming the person or item she is blaming.

Nikkole was a pagent queen, for nearly every pagent she entered." Consider revising this to something like, Nikkole was a pageant queen; she had been queen for nearly every pageant she had entered.

"Her and her mother traveled the country every summer in search of them." Change her to "She". I know that may sound strange at first, but always think of the action. Her did not travel the country, she traveled the country. She and her mother.

"monitary" spelling change to "monetary"

"She knew if did . . ." place the word "she" after if and a comma after "did".

"I'm going to pick up your after I drop you off, so as soon as you get home, you change, and get to the garage, we've got a lot of rehersing to do." This is a long and difficult sentence to grasp. First, "I'm going to pick up your . . ." your what? Brother, father, costume? The rest of the sentence can be made into two sentences, ie: omit "so" begin the sentence with "As"
"As soon as you get home, change and get to the garage. We've got a lot of rehearsing to do. Misspelling on "rehearsing."

"Nikkole rolled her eyes shook her head" place a semi-colon (:) after "eyes".

"Nikkole saw the school and thought she was saved," end this sentence at "saved" with a period. Start a new sentence and paragraph when her mother speaks. As a rule, every time someone speaks, it should begin a new paragraph. Don't worry it it is only one word such as, "What?" A new paragraph separates the speech from the descriptive writing.

"Look here" place a comma after "here".

"to her likings . . ." change likings to liking.

"You won't be needing this" begin a new paragraph here and place a comma after this. Every time a person ends a speech, unless their words end the sentence, you need a comma after their last word such as: "You won't be needing this, she said . . ." place a comma after said.

"But mom I've got to-" "No buts' Nikkole, now get out, I've got stuff to do." Nikkole let out a deep frushstrated breath and got out. "Did she have to park in the very last spot of the lot?" she said as she trudged through the seniors' cars. Remember every time someone speeks there should be a new paragraph so it looks like this.

"But, mom, I've got to . . ."

"No buts. Now, get out. I've got stuff to do."

Nikkole let out a deep frushstrated breath and got out. (spelling of the word frustrated)

"Did she have to park in the very last spot in the lot? She said as she trudged through the senior's cars. Remember . . . etc.

"So, how do you me again?" Add the word "know after "you".

"and faunting over her." I believe you mean "fauning"?

"You were the only nonsenior . . ." hyphenate the word "non-senior".

"I think to let me cheat off him for our test today!" Perhaps if you join the sentence previously to this one and this sentence, it would be more structurally correct.

"It's always about what Adolf Abby wants," end this statement with a period

"she doesn't care what princess Kole wants not even what my dad wants" she thought to herself" Capatalize "she" add a comma after "Kole wants and after "dad wants".

Perfectly proportioned,his nose fit his face perfectly, his cheek bones were high and defined his face perfectly, his lips were perfectly sized and his smile, oh his smile.." Too many "perfectly" and "perfect" references. They become redundant and boring. Find an alternative word, of if you want to make him perfect beyond the normal perfection then find another way to construct this sentence.

"Ms. Marker, Ms. Marker!" her thoughts were interupted by her math teacher, who was incredibly old." New paragraph.

"How is he even still alive?" she said quietly." new paragraph.

"or something.' omit this,

". . . first, as everyone parted like the Red Sea when she made her way to the door. End the sentence with "first." Capatalize "As" omit the word "when".

"he help" add "ed" to help.

"he help pick her up from the ground . . ." you state that Gil helped her pick her things up off the floor, not that she feel too. You might want to state that to avoid confusion as to why he had to help her up.


"uh-yeah" use an elipse here ( . . .)

"You obviously weren't you . . ." End this sentence at "weren't" and begin it with You.

"no!" add qoutation marks to this word.

"She sat down and starred" spelling error, "stared."

"Sorry honey, I've got a meeting that I have to go to this afternoon, you'll have to find a way home, and yes we are still rehersing, so DON'T be late." All of this statement should be in quotes, even though it appears to be a text message it is still paraphrasing what "Adolph Abbie" has said.

"they wouldn't tell ether, they didn't trust each other" spelling error, "either".

"The final bell rang and made their way back to their lockers," end this sentence here.

'but because she had to reherse, all night for a stupid pagent that she didn't even want to do." Spelling error, "rehearse".

"this dredded walk home" Spelling error "dreaded". Also end the sentence after home.

"She made her made to the bottom of the steps" Do you mean "made her way"?

" . . . and she saw a familiar car, and an even more familiar face" replace "and" with "when".


"I mean after giving you a concussion and all" Place a comma after "mean" and after "all".

"She always-" Use and elipse here "she always . . ."

"Wunna grab some coffee? "Wanna . . ." it is a corruption of the two words "want to."

"and-" use an elipse.

"Nikkole said interupting Gil's nervous rant" Spelling error, "interrupting".

"She thought he was cute, his nervous rant, waiting for her to take her home, and wanting to make sure she was alright after wiping out in the hall." Use a semi-colon (;) "after his nervous rant".

"Nothing" Nikkole wanted to forget all about Adolf Abby . . ." Use "her mother" to avoid over using this phrase for Nikkole's mom. It is really humorous, but over use takes away the laugh.


"and her stupid rules and her stupid pagents and stupid rehersals and stupid everything." End this sentence with an exclamation mark (!)

"It had a red carpetting, a fire ring, brick walls, a little stage and couches and chairs spiractily throughout the room." Omit the word "a" before "carpeting", spelling error, "sporatically".

"For here to go" the cashier asked impaitently." add "or" after here, and a comma after go.

STRUCTURE: The very first sentence of the this story is what made me read on. But, it is not explained. I was led to believe that perhaps Nikkole was a "cutter." Is this why the sink was stained with crimson? Or is there a more simpler explanation. If she is a cutter, this has to be explained and pursued, if not omit the sentence or explain why the sink is crimson.
I think you would benefit by reading your work aloud, either to yourself or someone else. Reading it aloud helps you to see where natural pauses are in your story. Where ever there are pause you should add a comma or an elipse.
An elipse is used when there is a pause in speech or something is left out of speech, as when a person does not want to finish a sentence, or is interrupted.
The rule for apostrophes (') is when something belongs to an individual in a story such as "Nikkole's" the apostrophe is added after the last letter in the name. If the person's name ends with an (s) the apostrophe comes after the (s).
When you want to emphasise a persons speech, one word or a sentence, it should be placed in italics, such as "Stop!" She said.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This story has great interest. The idea of looking at a beauty pageant from the point of view of the youngster that is being forced into it has a great deal of dramatic impact. Dramatic impact is important in any story it is what grabs the readers heart and mind and makes them continue reading. The contention between Nikkole and her mother promises a dramatic story. This story has a great deal of potential to be a revealing and interesting piece. Don't let the amount of corrections dishearten you. Go ahead and write the next part and post it. The only way we learn is by making mistakes and correcting them. One tip: If you are writing in Word Perfect ther is a spelling and grammar correction option you might want to use. Also, there are online thesauruses that will give you a choice of words to use that mean the same thing and online dictionaries that are all free. Make use of these helpful items.

Blessings to you, Bertiebrite.
















88
88
Review of The Opal Isle  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi: My name is Bertiebrite. I am writing a SPOTLIGHT REVIEW of your work for TGDI Group. These statements are solely my opinion. You do not need to take any of my views to heart, or you may take them all. Only you know how you want your work to read.

TITLE: The title of this piece "The Opal Isle" fits the story completely. Within the body of the story you explain the reason for the name and this highlights the physical appearance of the island.

THEME: The theme of the story, battle for the freedom of a land is readily evident. The fight scenes are well choreographed and exciting, never bogging down with heavy detail. It is clear that you thought this story through really well.

PUNCUTATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: I found no problems with spelling and only a few punctuation errors, there were a few grammatical errors as well.

"Sitting at the western most point of the Boann Empire and, indeed the most western point of the known world," Place a comma after "indeed".

"It didn’t work, his adversary was too quick for such silly tricks" Place a semi-colon after work, these are two separate ideas.

"the buckler on their left arm had already intercepted Bryce’s weapon and the sword in their right hand was already moving for the kill. This sentence is a bit confusing. Use names here instead "their" ie: The buckler on Garod's left arm . . . etc. Otherwise it looks to me that there are extra arms somewhere.

"these are the tools that win battles, not these sticks of steeL" Perhaps it might be better to use a different word here other than "sticks" maybe, rods, or som other that denotes a substance harder than wood which sticks brings to mind."

"Yet it was alleged the by the scholars of Rivean" Omit "the".

"most who served atop its shingle shores" add ad at the end of shingle to make it shingled.

"the tower twined around itself as a vine twines around a tree" Is the tower built to resemble a twisting vine, or a straight tower? This description seems to conflict with the already presented mental image.

"a blackhouse which served as the mess hall and meeting room," Do you mean BLOCKHOUSE? As barracks are sometimes called? Or Blackhouse as a description? This is not clear.

"Each of the men took watches in this short wooden tower" Perhaps you should say "All of the men" The word each implies that only Jaxon and Bryce do watch tower duty.

" white pinnacle of Ekmael, in practice with" End the sentence with "of Ekmael." and begin a new one with "In practice with".

"Apparently, very rarely, an eagle" Omit Apparently, it is unnecessary.

"limited budget, taking inventory," Place a semi-colon between "limited budget" and "taking inventory".

"limited budget, taking inventory," omit "was".

"below-ground" no need for a hyphen here.

"into a hempen sack and entering neat marks in a leather bound ledger." omit "and"; use a comma after sack.

"of small groups sat around the makeshift tables" change "sat" to "sitting" or re-phrase this sentence.

"When Bryce was done he said aside his cup and bowl" Perhaps you mean "sat aside his cup and bowl"?

"meant to scare little kids" replace "kids" with children The word children fits much better with the style of speech here.

"Besides if they came to the Isle from the sea" Place a comma after "besides",

"it happened" Omit this. It weakens the action. Say simply "before he could finish his sentence, from the darkness beyond the blackhouse leapt a creature."
Follow this with, it was ofsuch staggering ebony, it made Bryce’s eyes spin."

"turning it to such a horrifying angle Bryce almost threw up" Perhaps you should say, Bryce felt his stomach lurch." or, some other more discriptive phrase.

"the thin tendrils the swayed in the cool midnight breeze" Did you mean "that" swayed in the cool . . ."?

"when a shadowman leapt into them" Leaped between them? On top of them?

"predictably the creature turned its face to avoid the ice" place a comma after "predictably".

" Bryce had dropped his grip" Omit "had".

"the creature has a consistency" change has to had.

"unable to force his sword across the width of his foe" place a comma after "foe".

"hard into its torso with a hiss" Did Garod hiss or did the firebrand? Unclear.

"entirety of the body now" omit "now".

"eerily it rose to its feet and turned to face Bryce" Place a comma after "eerily".

"whose oil and pitch still held a small flame" Change "whose" to "it's". If you decide to leave it as whose, change the word to the possessive "who's" instead.

"and from, what could be seen around his vest, also extended across his chest" omit "what could be seen around his vest". This is unimportant info and bogs the sentence down.

"and it was getting closer." Change "it" to "they" there are many feet.

"Garrod laughed with wheeze" place "a" after with.

"Don’t be ridiculous, kid" Garod has called Bryce "Boy" throughout the story, the word "kid" seems somehow out of character.

"If you’re lucky just maybe" Place a comma after "lucky".

"Garrod’s screaming a mortal death knell" Perhaps, "Garod screamed a mortal death knell? Stated the other way these are two separate sentences, or place a semi-colon between Garod's screaming and a mortal.

"but this time something even stranger happened –" omit something even stranger happened. The foreshadowing weakens the event.

"a bolt of this brightness would illuminate" omit would and change illuminate to illuminated.

"the bolts illuminated the Cerulean Sea almost to the horizon" try to use another word beside illuminated here, such as "brightened, lighted, etc.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a thrilling and absorbing tale. It ends, leaving me wanting more. It moves rapidly, I never once was bored or wanted to stop reading. My favorite character was Garod. For the short space he was in the story, his character was well developed.

My favorite part was this:
They would marshal their men with fine words and promises of greatness and march them untold miles to the east. When they arrived, tired and exhausted they would fight and die.” Garrod rose to his feet and gulped down the last of his ale, “Despite what you may think it is not honour and the promise of glory that sustains a man in conflict; it desperation, necessity and fear of what might happen should they fail. But, if you still seek to die, maybe you should find one of these foolish nobles and march east with him.”

Sound advice given to a headstrong young man whth dreams of grandeur.

The Opal Isle is fast paced and deeply enjoyable. I would love to see this expanded and if you have plans to do so, please keep me informed so I may read the next installment.
You are a talented writer, keep it up. Blessings, Bertie



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.






































































89
89
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing this story on behalf of TGDI Group. My name is Bertie. The following statements are only my opinion. You may take a part of my advice, half or all. I am not trying to re-write your story.

THEME The theme of the story seems to be well handeled so far. Right away the subject of the story is stated for the reader: Lady Alexandria is a murderess.

STRUCTURE:There is not enough here to make a statement on structure. So far it seems like it will jell together quite well, but more must be seen.

TITLE: The Tale Of Killing, seems like the titel says what it is supposed to say about the story. But more should be posted to really have the impact of the title hit home. The title is always your preview and wrap-up all in one.

PUNCTUATION, SPELLING, GRAMMAR: “The invitation came!” I shouted upstairs to my mother. “I got invited to Lady Alexandria’s midnight-birthday ball Sunday!” Separate the second line of speech onto it's own line. That way it is easier to understand that a second speech is being made. Add a comma after ball and before Sunday.

"And why had I done these things? Place a comma after and."

"I did them because five years ago, whenever I was only twelve years in age, she murdered my little brother. Lady Alexandria was a murderess." change whenever to when. Whenever says she didn't know when she was twelve years old.

"That’s great sweet-heart.” My mom called back. Poor Mom I thought." Start a new paragraph at Poor mom.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is certainly interesting and attention grabbing. I would like to read more. The plot is original, not every young woman thinks of causing a murderer to be caught. I would love to see how this plays out and what method the young lady uses to snare the killer. How has she garnered the proof necessary? How will she keep Lady Alexandria from suspecting what she is up to? Who will aid her in this quest? These questions were all incited by this little bit of a preview. Please, work on this. I think it has real merit and will be very entertaining once it is finished.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
90
90
Review of The Race  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. It was filled with action and never once did I want to stop reading. I liked the one upmanship between the two men and the word pictures were vibrant and realistic: "rocking his sled on one runner when shooting through a narrow gap," I could see the harrowing manuever that was executed here by an expert sledman.

There was only one place where you lost me: 'In other words, Leif had Toralf, and they crashed together in a mass of . . ." The very first words of this sentence do not seem to be completed in the rest of the sentence. I don't understand what you were trying to say here.

That, however is minor. I noted only one spelling error: "both held in trust bu the village headman". The bu should be "by".

Overall I enjoyed the brevity of the tale and the way you portrayed a load of action in so short a space.
Thanks for posting, keep writing, Blessings. Bertie
91
91
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm writing this review on behalf of the TGDI Group. Hi, I'm Bertie; my reviews are only my opinion. You may take the advice I give or you may not, it is your work and only you know how you want it to read.

TITLE: The title of this work is perfect. It has an old fashioned flare to it and fits the story perfectly

STRUCTURE:Wonderful story, really well done. Light and humorous and filled with detail. The story flows very well, no questions are left to answer.

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR: You have introduced me to a new word, "contrairen." I looked it up but could not find it. I did find a "contrarian", a person who takes the contrary view. Please tell me the definition you used, not being able to find it is driving me crazy :)

RYTHYM AND RHYME: The rhyme was good, though I found the rythym to be a bit forced in some stanzas, like the next to the last verse.

MY IMPRESSIONS: All that Aside, I applaud your work. One look at this and I know it was difficult to execute. It is fun to read, filled with images of the characters explored. I enjoyed this and look forward to other works you post. Keep writing,because that really is the best teacher we can have.
Blessings, Bertie

92
92
Review of Ode  
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Odes are difficult, they are like songs in a way. In the days when odes were popular they were often about heroes and mighty deeds. This is a very good first attempt.
The problem is that when you use the archaic form it doesn't tend to mix well with the present day form of speech.

I do not intend to re-write your poem. It stands on its own and you may take any of my advice or you may not, that is up to you. If I were writing this poem using archaic language I would say:

I compliment thee, true heartbreaker.
How dost thou live with what thou hast done.
So often I have beesehed thee:
Thou turneth away, thy life goeth on.

Instead of
I applaud thee; Thou is so strong.

I would say: I applaud thy strength.

This is the archaic language, thee, thou, thy, goeth, cometh, dost, wence; they're all the language of odes.

I only mean this as an example. Like I said, I don't want to re-write your poem.

Your punctuation was good, and the poem's flow moved along very well. Thanks for posting and keep writing. Practice really does make perfect. Blessings, Bertie

93
93
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am writing this review on behalf of TGDI Reviewers. Hi my name is Bertie.

The style of this poem is a bit confusing to me. The alliteration (word pictures) are rich and expressive, but, the rhyme is uneven, verses one and two rhyme and three and four do not. There are differences in the type face as well. I understand your right to write your poem in any way you may choose. That is totally your own world. However, I think in this case some of the styles distract rather than add.
For instance: the difference in type faces draw your attention immediately to that line. I find it distracting to the overall thoughts you are trying to convey. There are some words in bold and that also distracts from the overall message of the work. The fact that only two verses are set in rhyme throws the poem off rythym. You want a person to re-read your poem, but not because it was difficult to comprehend but because it flowed as a steady stream of information that delighted the reader. Also, there are several words that run together as in:

"between black)withredsticks fingers". I know that some word programs alter the type when it is transferred from one source to another and words that have run together can occur, but reading what you have written before posting should take care of this.

Then there is punctuation. Writing all your work in lower case without punctuation would be fine if there were not so many other peculiarities to encompass in this piece.

Overall this is a unique and interesting poem. If you wish to use a unique style that is indicative of your work, settle on one. Bold words highlighted at times, words run together at times, or rhyming every other verse. When you throw all of these together in one poem it confuses and that is one thing a writer does not want to do.

This is only my opinion. You may take all of what I suggest to heart or you may take none. This poem is your work, and only you know how you want it to appear and be read. I only seek to aid you in making it the best that it can possibly be. Most important keep writing, that is the only way we can truly learn. Blessings, Bertie

94
94
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
My name is Bertie; I am providing this review on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP

This is a very innovative poem. The way that the letters of the words My Mother's Day Poem are used to create the work is outstanding. The thoughts are clear and concise and carry the reader through years of relationship in just a few short lines.

PUNCTUATION:

If you use punctuation in one part of your poem it should follow through in all of the work. Punctuation is important because it lets the reader know when a complete thought has been recorded. In your poem:

My life has been enriched
Over the many long years
Though fate has not always been kind
How each and every day thoughts of you would come to mind

Place either a semi-colon or period after (years) and a comma after (kind) then close the stanza with a period after (mind),
I understand that the first letters of each line must be capitalized to adhere to the form you are working with, that is not an issue. However, placing commas and periods helps the reader to contain a complete thought before going on to the next one.

Even now as I am growing older I
Remember the love you have freely given me
Still my thoughts turn homeward, and back to you.

Place a comma after (now) and after (older). In the next line a semi-colon would help define the thought and separate it from the next line which is sums up the feeling taking us back to the subject: Mother.

Do you know, do you hear
All the prayers I pray for you
Yet in the still and quiet times


Place a question mark after (you) in the second line. This gives the reader pause to consider the next line which leads on to the poem's ending.

Precious and clear they come,
Over and over again
Even as my life winds down
Memories of you still so dear.

Place a period after (again) so that the last two lines are stand-alone. They gain more power that way.

SPELLING AND GRAMMAR:

I find no grammar or spelling errors.

STRUCTURE:

This is a unique poem in that it builds off of the capital letters at the beginning of each line. It is a difficult task done well.
In the following line:

"How each and every day thoughts of you would come to mind "

you break the rythym; it is too wordy. Perhaps you can find an alternative way to say this a bit shorter. Meter is an important part of any poem, even blank verse.

I hope you do not mind my lengthy criticism. You do not have to take any of my opinions to heart. I seek only to help you to make this poem the best that it can be. The most important thing of all is to continue to write and grow. I enjoyed this poem, it's style was especially refreshing. Blessings, Bertie

95
95
Review of My Mother  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is delightful. The rythym is wonderful, the upbeat appeal is satisfying. Brevity is the essence of a limerick and you have that mastered. Enjoyed reading this, keep writing, Blessings, Bertie
96
96
Review of Winter Speech  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Bertie'

This is really well done. The rythym is flawless and the punctuation and spelling is perfect.
What I thought best about this poem was the strength of statement. It was not a candy sweet look at devotion but a very determined and dedicated view. The imagery is solid.
Perhaps you might want to substitute the word "gage" for rage?
Untouched by wintery rage,?


And so I'll be freed from winter's scorn,
By a love that will not age.
And so I will take this trek you request,

You may also want to change the beginnings of the first and third line above so that they stand out as individual thoughts.

And so I will take this trek you request,
Because my love knows no bounds.

Strong image of willing self sacrifice, these are my favorite lines.

I liked this poem. It reads well and the picture is clear. My suggestions are just that, suggestions. You may use them if you wish. Only you know how you want your work to read.
Most of all keep writing. That is the best way to learn. Blessings, Bertie
97
97
Review of Calling Me Home  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the POWER REVIEWERS

This poem has a wonderful flow. It moves very nicely from stanza to stanza. No punctuation errors, or spelling mistakes. The imagery was rich. Especially the alteration between the feelings in the first and second stanza and the third. the first two present a rather united existence with nature and the third one changes all that:
"Tonight, wood and stone are no respite
from flesh and blood troubles.
Nature's no shelter from human sorrow"

We see how the person yearns for home and nature cannot console him, until in the last verse:

"a lone voice calls from the shadows,
calling me home."

There is no solace elsewhere for this individual except to his home.

A very simple poem with very deep meanings. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read and critique it. Blessings, Bertie





98
98
Review of Kipuka  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am reviewing your work on behalf of POWER REVIEWERS


I have never critiqued a poem like this before. I find it to be beautiful; it transported me. I saw the delicacy of the flowers against the volcanic rock.
The imagery was so brilliant. I found all puncuation to be perfect and the flow easy and calming.
This is very well done and delightful poem to read. I especially appreciated the word explanations at the bottom of the page. After reading them the picture was crystal clear.
Blessings, Bertie

even more beautiful the second read
99
99
Review of ITS SPRING AGAIN  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I am reviewing your work on behalf of the POWER REVIEWERS.


This poem has a wonderful mental imagery content. I have a few pieces of criticism, although they are few. The poem flows very nicely from verse to verse, I find that with a little more attention to punctuation, and a few little items, the poem would flow even better. In the first verse it may be advantageous to change the tense of the word "happened" to "happening" to keep the immediacy of the thought. Spring is happening now, it has not happened already.

Why not place a semi colon (;) after "explode and place a lower case on the word "starling" That makes the first line of the third stanza flow easily into the second line.

Buds at rest, ready to explode;
starlings stretch new wings ready for a dance on the wind.

You may want to replace one of the uses of "ready," so that the reader does not see redundant words.

In the last stanza, you rhyme the second and fourth line, but until that you are blank verse. This confuses the reader. It made me go back and re-read thinking I was missing something. It may be better for you to either make the whole poem blank verse, (unrhymed) or to rhyme it all.

There are very few points here to contend with, this is a really lovely poem.
Above all else remember, this is your work. I make suggestions and they are only that, suggestions. You may take some, all or none of them. Only you know how you want your work to read. I enjoyed this poem, the title fit the work to a "t" and the imagery was rich and vibrant. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie
100
100
Review of The Bridge Home  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Strong mental imagery. I can feel the drag of the woman's feet up the slope of the bridge and the relief she feels at attaining the sumit. This is skillfully written and a joy to read.
I find no spelling or grammatical flaws and the rythym was spot on. An easy read and genuinely lovely work. Blessings
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