|Hi, Whitney/Richele- My name is Bertie. I am writing this review on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS. You may take some of what I suggest or none of what I suggest. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.
Before I begin this review I want you to understand that just because the corrections may look like alot to do, it does not mean that you are a terrible writer. It means only that with the correction process you will learn what to do and what not to do.
THEME: The theme of a story is the overall message that the piece is trying to deliver. In this story, Nikkole is struggling for independence. It is very evident throughout the tale and the theme aspect is fullfilled.
TITLE: I do not find that the title fits the story. That does not mean that it will not fit it later on with more added to this piece. So, at this time it does not matter, but after the rest is developed it may. Remember what a title does. It pulls the reader in. I have read books I never would have noticed if it were not for the title. However, as I said above, wait for more of the story to develop before worrying over this. It is only something to keep in mind.
GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: "She watched crimson drip into white porcelin sink, she could hear her parents screaming at each other from downstairs." She watched crimson drip into "a" or "the" white porcelain . . . note that porcelain is spelled incorrectly.
"Her father has been traveling a lot for work lately and wants to move, but her mother refuses." Here you change your tenses. If you start with past tense, as you have in the first sentence which is passive present, you should maintain the same tense throughout your piece.
"If I hadn't been such a needy child, none of this would ever happen she thought." There are two ways to handle a persons thoughts in writing. One way is to make the sentence italicized without quotes. The other way is to use quotes and say "she thought" after the sentence.
"She grabbed a cool wash rag and wiped off her shoulder." Why did she have to wipe off her shoulder?
"s***!" she shouted, noticing she grabbed a white rag rather than a black one." Explain the problem with the choice of color of rag here.
"Nikkole quickly tossed the rag under sink and pushed her make up box in front of it." Obviously this is a problem, but it is not cleared up for the reader and you don't want them scratching their heads, do you?
"She starred . . ." change starred to stared.
"shattering the girl at the top." I thought there was a crown at the top.
"This is all your fault" she whispered fighting back her tears." Who's fault, the statue's? Make this clearer, perhaps naming the person or item she is blaming.
Nikkole was a pagent queen, for nearly every pagent she entered." Consider revising this to something like, Nikkole was a pageant queen; she had been queen for nearly every pageant she had entered.
"Her and her mother traveled the country every summer in search of them." Change her to "She". I know that may sound strange at first, but always think of the action. Her did not travel the country, she traveled the country. She and her mother.
"monitary" spelling change to "monetary"
"She knew if did . . ." place the word "she" after if and a comma after "did".
"I'm going to pick up your after I drop you off, so as soon as you get home, you change, and get to the garage, we've got a lot of rehersing to do." This is a long and difficult sentence to grasp. First, "I'm going to pick up your . . ." your what? Brother, father, costume? The rest of the sentence can be made into two sentences, ie: omit "so" begin the sentence with "As"
"As soon as you get home, change and get to the garage. We've got a lot of rehearsing to do. Misspelling on "rehearsing."
"Nikkole rolled her eyes shook her head" place a semi-colon (:) after "eyes".
"Nikkole saw the school and thought she was saved," end this sentence at "saved" with a period. Start a new sentence and paragraph when her mother speaks. As a rule, every time someone speaks, it should begin a new paragraph. Don't worry it it is only one word such as, "What?" A new paragraph separates the speech from the descriptive writing.
"Look here" place a comma after "here".
"to her likings . . ." change likings to liking.
"You won't be needing this" begin a new paragraph here and place a comma after this. Every time a person ends a speech, unless their words end the sentence, you need a comma after their last word such as: "You won't be needing this, she said . . ." place a comma after said.
"But mom I've got to-" "No buts' Nikkole, now get out, I've got stuff to do." Nikkole let out a deep frushstrated breath and got out. "Did she have to park in the very last spot of the lot?" she said as she trudged through the seniors' cars. Remember every time someone speeks there should be a new paragraph so it looks like this.
"But, mom, I've got to . . ."
"No buts. Now, get out. I've got stuff to do."
Nikkole let out a deep frushstrated breath and got out. (spelling of the word frustrated)
"Did she have to park in the very last spot in the lot? She said as she trudged through the senior's cars. Remember . . . etc.
"So, how do you me again?" Add the word "know after "you".
"and faunting over her." I believe you mean "fauning"?
"You were the only nonsenior . . ." hyphenate the word "non-senior".
"I think to let me cheat off him for our test today!" Perhaps if you join the sentence previously to this one and this sentence, it would be more structurally correct.
"It's always about what Adolf Abby wants," end this statement with a period
"she doesn't care what princess Kole wants not even what my dad wants" she thought to herself" Capatalize "she" add a comma after "Kole wants and after "dad wants".
Perfectly proportioned,his nose fit his face perfectly, his cheek bones were high and defined his face perfectly, his lips were perfectly sized and his smile, oh his smile.." Too many "perfectly" and "perfect" references. They become redundant and boring. Find an alternative word, of if you want to make him perfect beyond the normal perfection then find another way to construct this sentence.
"Ms. Marker, Ms. Marker!" her thoughts were interupted by her math teacher, who was incredibly old." New paragraph.
"How is he even still alive?" she said quietly." new paragraph.
"or something.' omit this,
". . . first, as everyone parted like the Red Sea when she made her way to the door. End the sentence with "first." Capatalize "As" omit the word "when".
"he help" add "ed" to help.
"he help pick her up from the ground . . ." you state that Gil helped her pick her things up off the floor, not that she feel too. You might want to state that to avoid confusion as to why he had to help her up.
"uh-yeah" use an elipse here ( . . .)
"You obviously weren't you . . ." End this sentence at "weren't" and begin it with You.
"no!" add qoutation marks to this word.
"She sat down and starred" spelling error, "stared."
"Sorry honey, I've got a meeting that I have to go to this afternoon, you'll have to find a way home, and yes we are still rehersing, so DON'T be late." All of this statement should be in quotes, even though it appears to be a text message it is still paraphrasing what "Adolph Abbie" has said.
"they wouldn't tell ether, they didn't trust each other" spelling error, "either".
"The final bell rang and made their way back to their lockers," end this sentence here.
'but because she had to reherse, all night for a stupid pagent that she didn't even want to do." Spelling error, "rehearse".
"this dredded walk home" Spelling error "dreaded". Also end the sentence after home.
"She made her made to the bottom of the steps" Do you mean "made her way"?
" . . . and she saw a familiar car, and an even more familiar face" replace "and" with "when".
"I mean after giving you a concussion and all" Place a comma after "mean" and after "all".
"She always-" Use and elipse here "she always . . ."
"Wunna grab some coffee? "Wanna . . ." it is a corruption of the two words "want to."
"and-" use an elipse.
"Nikkole said interupting Gil's nervous rant" Spelling error, "interrupting".
"She thought he was cute, his nervous rant, waiting for her to take her home, and wanting to make sure she was alright after wiping out in the hall." Use a semi-colon (;) "after his nervous rant".
"Nothing" Nikkole wanted to forget all about Adolf Abby . . ." Use "her mother" to avoid over using this phrase for Nikkole's mom. It is really humorous, but over use takes away the laugh.
"and her stupid rules and her stupid pagents and stupid rehersals and stupid everything." End this sentence with an exclamation mark (!)
"It had a red carpetting, a fire ring, brick walls, a little stage and couches and chairs spiractily throughout the room." Omit the word "a" before "carpeting", spelling error, "sporatically".
"For here to go" the cashier asked impaitently." add "or" after here, and a comma after go.
STRUCTURE: The very first sentence of the this story is what made me read on. But, it is not explained. I was led to believe that perhaps Nikkole was a "cutter." Is this why the sink was stained with crimson? Or is there a more simpler explanation. If she is a cutter, this has to be explained and pursued, if not omit the sentence or explain why the sink is crimson.
I think you would benefit by reading your work aloud, either to yourself or someone else. Reading it aloud helps you to see where natural pauses are in your story. Where ever there are pause you should add a comma or an elipse.
An elipse is used when there is a pause in speech or something is left out of speech, as when a person does not want to finish a sentence, or is interrupted.
The rule for apostrophes (') is when something belongs to an individual in a story such as "Nikkole's" the apostrophe is added after the last letter in the name. If the person's name ends with an (s) the apostrophe comes after the (s).
When you want to emphasise a persons speech, one word or a sentence, it should be placed in italics, such as "Stop!" She said.
MY OVERALL IMPRESSIONS: This story has great interest. The idea of looking at a beauty pageant from the point of view of the youngster that is being forced into it has a great deal of dramatic impact. Dramatic impact is important in any story it is what grabs the readers heart and mind and makes them continue reading. The contention between Nikkole and her mother promises a dramatic story. This story has a great deal of potential to be a revealing and interesting piece. Don't let the amount of corrections dishearten you. Go ahead and write the next part and post it. The only way we learn is by making mistakes and correcting them. One tip: If you are writing in Word Perfect ther is a spelling and grammar correction option you might want to use. Also, there are online thesauruses that will give you a choice of words to use that mean the same thing and online dictionaries that are all free. Make use of these helpful items.
Blessings to you, Bertiebrite.