*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brennus
Review Requests: ON
128 Public Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Asking questions that may help you develop and expand your story. Inconsistencies tend to jump out at me and I will point out any I see.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well Done! Thank YOU!!
2
2
Review of Turkeys' Revenge  
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I laughed out loud at these limericks! Splendid job!!

One quick note should Dinners be Diners?

Otherwise PERFECT!! Brava


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
It's great to see someone see the positives of a situation, rather than dwelling on the negatives!

So much has been made of the inconveniences Covid has caused, but we tend to ignore the benefits. Like the time to do things we don't normally do. It's a great thing that Covid has adversely affect you or me and that we have stayed healthy.

It's good to here you have adapted to Zoom classes, some students struggle with that, as do some teachers. I find that I am spending more time on classes, I have had to limit my time. I was answering kids questions twenty-four hours a day! *Rolling*

Again, thanks for reminding us to look for the positives and to not always dwell in the negative aspects!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of CCRD  
Rated: E | (5.0)
'Rubbing Peter to pay Paul' ~ I think you mean Robbing?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of JOY IN CHRIST  
In affiliation with Christian Bible Fellowship ♥  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Favour and welcome to WdC — again!

I enjoyed and appreciated reading your first offering on WdC. Thank You for Sharing!!

I found your use of storms as an analogy for life's tribulations fitting, particularly now when the storm waters are coming from so many directions. So many are having difficulty dealing with their personal storms.

Your words work equally well as free verse poetry, hymn lyric, or simply a prayer.

A question of punctuation;

It doesn't matter how tumultuous the storm may look like

It might even seem as if it's going to blow one down

We are not going to fill our own boat with the waters of wearisome thoughts.


Do you wish those lines to be one long sentence, with no stops or pauses?

I suggest you read this aloud and add punctuation to match what you read.

I also noticed you added a Copywrite disclaimer, while you can certainly do that, every item you post on WdC is Copywrite protected as per the Terms of Service Agreement. Just so you Know!!

© Copyright 2020 Favour (favour1 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Writing.Com, its affiliates, and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.


Again, Welcome, and Thank You!!


P.S. One of the "things" on WdC are groups dedicated to specific topics and subjects, this is a group that might interest you {emdash "Christian Bible Fellowship ♥


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Autumn as a Child  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A lovely poem that brings back happy thoughts of Autumn's past. I miss the "Old Autumns". To me they seemed to have lasted longer, with their brisk yet comfortable temperatures. We had many maple trees, that were always a glory of color.

I particularly liked the creation of your new word "Autumnly" — I always enjoy the artistic creation of new words or the use of older words in their archaic form.

I didn't stumble over any of your poem, the writing was clear and easy to read.

One small comment for possible edit;

In this line –

kickball and softball witch the three trees would be used for the bases

Did you intentionally switch which to witch? If this had been an October or Halloween Poem, I wouldn't even ask, thinking you might have added an "Easter Egg" for us to find.

I really enjoyed reading this poem, and to make up for your "missing" CR from the Merit Badge, I will be awarding it an awardicon! Thank You for sharing your talent with us!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice Word Search! Thank You for Celebrating our Veterans!!
8
8
Review of The Puppet  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well said!
9
9
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, that was certainly unexpected! That was quite a bit of very fine writing packed into a compact and concise package. I enjoyed reading it very much! There were no errors or things that jarred my reading pace, everything moved along quite well.

Now for a bit of business. Had I NOT (foolishly) entered the Coffee Calamity Competition your entry would have placed first. Personally I think it should have been first, if for nothing else other then the brilliant twist at the end.

So, I am discounting my entry and assuming you placed first which means —

I owe you some points (sending them with this review), an Awardicon and a Merit Badge, which I'll add to the list for when you get CR for them.

Thanks for the great story!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Divorce  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello and welcome to WdC! I hope you don't mind, I poked around in your portfolio and found this flash fiction you wrote fro a contest entry.

I liked the tight language you used to portray the ending of the marriage, you got quite a bit of impact from very few words. I would have liked to see a bit more description of their emotional state, this must-have been a very charged discussion, yet it came off dry and somewhat emotionless.

A few nitpicky points, mainly proofreading items;

After two years of marriage[COMMA] I thought everything was great.

60 race horses in fact. Generally, numbers, except for very large numbers should be written out. Racehorses is one word.

“what do you talk about all day?” what should be capitalized.

“Well, what do you talk about all day? Your together so long what do you even have to talk about?” "Your" is a possessive pronoun used to show ownership. "You're" is a contraction for the two words “you are.” You are either looking for You're or You are here.

"I cant deal with that. cant needs an apostrophe, can't

"OK." I answered quietly Sentence is missing punctuation.

In several places "it's" the contraction of "it is" was used without an apostrophe.

Please realize this review is written to be helpful. Your writing has a great deal of promise and I think you will be a great addition to our community. This isn't meant to discourage you, you shouldn't let any review or reviewer discourage you!

Thank You for sharing your talent with us, and keep on writing!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, I saw your post about "Submission by Moonlight on the Newsfeed requesting some input on your story, I hope you don't mind if I offer some.

Please remember, my comments and for that matter anyone else's are based on our opinions. They don't reflect on your abilities as a writer. You should feel free to use what you think works, and equally free to disregard any that don't work for you.

This is a very well written and powerfully worded vignette. The language is rich, the mental images of the scene are well described.

My question is simple; What are you looking to expand?

The writing you have right now would make a fine introduction and "hook" to a short story. It leaves the reader with unanswered questions that will make them want to press on. Answering those questions might provide your guidance for expansion.

For example, from the beginning;

What happened to make the Sun (and daytime) "a dangerous stranger"?
Why is the protagonist "at its mercy"?
Who or what is the "master" and why willingly "submit"
"we rise skyward" is this an actual physical action or merely a metaphorical illusion?
"my protector" Master and protector, what caused this powerful bond?

And finally;

"He places me gently in to my bed, gracing me with a kiss upon my brow, allowing me to slip in to a dream. I remain there until the sun runs in cowardice once more from the world in which I truly belong.

My eyes flutter open to the sigh of my masters extended hand and I swiftly take hold. I am whisked away in submission to the night once more. And once again, surrounded by moonlight, the dance continues as if it had never been interrupted.

This is the cycle of my soul. A soul, with a heart, that will only ever truly answer to a single being. His name is Night, and I am his."

Is Night a physical being? I feel this is a much deeper relationship, Master, Protector and perhaps Lover? What locked the protagonist into the cycle? Can the protagonist awaken on their own or must the Master wake them? Who actually is the protagonist?

My advice is to not change your original writing, but rather use the unanswered questions it poses to continue your story. If you do want to enhance your original work, start by looking at every place you used the word "it" -- can you replace "it" with more descriptive words? Add details and description, but the frame work is already there. Take care not to take away the unanswered questions!!

I like what you have written it's strong, provided a good introductory hook that made me want to keep reading. There is little I'd change. Great Job! Keep on Writing!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Hello  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Harmony, and welcome to Writing.com (WdC). I read your monologue with great interest.

It's interesting that you say you base your work on others assumptions, but that feedback makes you defensive. Well, Harmony, you aren't alone! Feedback makes everybody a bit defensive. How can it not? We work hard and nurture our stories and then someone we don't even know (like me) comes along and tells us what they think about them. The nerve! It's funny because I just did a post in my blog about this. You can click on this link, {entry:#982498} if you'd like to read it.

I can tell you that I have had nothing but positives since I joined WcD, for the most part all of the reviews I have received have been helpful, insightful and are helping me to be a better writer. No one here is judgmental or "looks down" upon anyone else. The site fosters talent, and helps encourage it in many ways.

I know it's sometimes hard to step forward, but everyone here is on your side, everyone here wants you to succeed at what ever you plan to do.

Just to end with a few things that might be up your ally; "Write An Essay About... is an essay contest you might consider entering, the prompt might be perfect for you.

Also my own contest; "Newbie Contest Challenge!! which allows writings from any genre is open, the prompt is about "Firsts" and again, sounds like it might be right in your autobiographical wheelhouse.

If at any point I can answer any questions for you or help in any way Richard Is Very Thankful! , just click on the envelope and send a email my way!

As many people here on WdC like to say - Write On My Friend!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a delightful start to a mystery, a dead body on an island with no way off.

I was sorry to see it end so abruptly, You had me hooked and I want to know more. I want more clues, information and intrigue.

The story flowed well and except for a few very minor glitches I found along the way was an enjoyable read. The descriptions are rich and full of imagery.

We don't really learn much about the characters yet. But, hopefully you'll come and fill in that void.

Just a few things I noticed along the way;

This sentence: He unburied the bottle and realized that the bottle wasn’t as empty as he thought.

I stumbled a bit over the use of "unburied", I know it kind of works but generally unburied refers to something that has never been buried. If I were editing your piece I'd cross it out and offer you some other choices. "He kicked the bottle loose with his foot ~" "He dug the bottle out".

This sentence: It appears as though someone is trying to cover up their guilt by pin the murder on a ghost.

"pin" should be pinning I think.

And, lastly this sentence: We’ll met you at the docks in ten minutes.

"met" should be meet.

If you do grant my wish and return to add to this lovely story and want to "beef" up the action, look for these words and replace them wit more descriptive language; "There, its and it" are all Telling words.

My own personal bugaboo is filler words, I have to read and re-read to scrub them out of my writing, look out for "just and that". Very often they sneak in and serve no real purpose in the sentence, a great place to trim fat in a word restriction situation. The added plus is trimming them helps the pace of the story.

Thank You for sharing your talent with us, I hope you might come back to this mystery and solve it for us!






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am a soft touch for poems centered on music for obvious reasons, after all I'm just the trombone player. So I was very happy to find this poem in your portfolio.

I enjoyed the images and feeling your language choices induced, it was as if I met a comfortable old friend once again.

Going out on a limb and getting a bit metaphorical; The Old Forgotten Song is much more then just a song. The poem tugged me to think about wonderful memories and past events, about heritage and the joy of being me. Rediscovering those joys is always a pleasant journey, it isn't one we allow ourselves to take often enough. Thank You for reminding us to enjoy the journey more often!

I didn't find anything that affected my enjoyment of the poem. The language and rhythm flowed well, the rhyme scheme was consistent and unbroken. Very Well Done! Thank You!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Happy WdC Anniversary! Oh MY! How I love finding works in progress. Such an interesting window into an authors mind and creative process.

I like the story so far, there's rich descriptive language and I'm already worried about several characters, I need to know what is happening to the wolf, the kid and the old man. I am intrigued by the wolves ability to communicate. There's gold here and it needs to be mined!

Since this is a WIP I am going to hone in on a few errors that jumped out at me;

~ telepahy = telepathy
~ collasping = collapsing
~ lesson = lessen

I Googled it and found no reference, so at some point you're going to need to explain what a Dolvine Wolf is.

Showing vs. Telling;

"There, Watched, Saw and It" are all Telling words, any place you used them can be "amped" up by replacing them with richer descriptive Showing words, a great place to start your editing process.

Filler Words; (my own personal nemesis)

"Then, Seemed, That, Just and Seems" are often filler words, quite often they add no real value or description to your sentences. They're the first words that should be trimmed if your looking to get below a word count. Trimming them also helps with the pacing of your story, making it flow better for the reader.

Like I said before there is gold here, I'd love to see you revisit this tale, expand it and let us know more about these characters. I hope my review is helpful and encourages you to pick this story up again! Thank You!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of We will survive?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello and welcome to Writing.com, (WdC)!

I found your poem under the Read A Newbie Header on the right column of links, I hope you don't mind if I share a few comments about it.

First thank You for sharing your talent with us, it's always great to read and meet new people. That's one of the best things about WdC!

First impressions; I really liked this poem, it speaks powerfully of an issue that's very important to me, the environment and our misuse and abuse of our planet.

A few things I noticed right off;

Your title is perfect, it caught my attention, which is great! However, normally ALL of the "important words" in a title are capitalized - instead of Will we survive?, I think "Will We Survive?" is what works.

In this line; Hanging from a thread we we're, I stumbled a bit reading it. Did you mean to repeat "we we're" or is it a typo? (Just my opinion ~ "we are" works well with your flow and rhyme scheme.)

On the subject of rhyme scheme, you do seem to have one going on, though it doesn't follow a set pattern. I'm not sure if the rhymes are on purpose or just fortuitous. What I see is ABCB ABAC ABCD.

Great Job! Thank You Again!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Poetry is always a difficult review for me. I either like the poem or I don't like the poem. The poem either speaks to me or it doesn't.

This poem spoke to me, on several levels. It is a glimpse into a unique personality of a writer, a statement of the poets moral compass. It speaks to me because it is a truth that I share. A poet speaking for those who can't be heard. Voicing a message that doesn't come from weakness and a strength that comes not from power, but rather compassion.

Two things puzzled me; the choice of "justification", part of the poem justified left, with the last two lines centered. I almost missed the last two lines. My fault entirely, I just wonder why it's done?

I'm also not sure if you meant to "felicitate" (congratulate) an argument or "facilitate" (make an action or process easy or easier).

Strangely, my mind accepts either word, but it changes the meaning of the line.

Thank You for sharing your poems, please take my comments as encouragement!!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings! Welcome to Writing.com, that you for joining and sharing your talent with us. I just finish reading your Flash Fiction "Not As Advertised , I enjoy it! I have a few comments to share.

First let me say you did a great job working the prompt into the story, it flowed well and was natural to the dialogue. The entire story flowed well, there were no glaring punctuation or spelling errors.

This looked to me like a contest entry, usually contest test entries have word count restrictions. Did this one? Very often contest with word count restrictions ask you to include the word count, often in a specific place. Did this one?

As I said there were no "glaring" errors in punctuation, but there was a tiny one;

In this sentence ~ “Yes, but I don’t know…I have a bad feeling about this.” He replied

The ellipses should have a space on either side; The Punctuation Guide  

I Think your Flash Fiction would make a great jumping off point for a very good short story. There are plenty of unanswered questions and much more material for you to develop.

The last thing I want to touch on is Showing vs. Telling, writing is richer when you show your reader something rather then telling us. Some words are indicators that we've been told rather then shown. Take a look at the words ~ it, know, and to a much lesser degree, get, feeling and saw. Look for those words, very often those words are places you can enrich your writing with more descriptive Showing!

Thank You For Sharing Your Talent With Us! I Look Forward To Reading More Of Your Work! If your are looking for contests to enter check out the link below!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of True Freedom  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi and Welcome to Writing.com! I came across your story using the Read and Review link. I hope you don't mind if I share a few thoughts.

I enjoyed your story, it was very descriptive and pulled me in. You used language very well to make me feel your characters pain and anguish.

There are a few things I'd like to share;

These words are Telling words: "knew, could, felt, feel and it" all tell me something, I would rather you Showed me instead. Search those words out and where you can remove them and beef up the descriptions for an even stronger story.

Great Story! I can't wait to read more of your work, Thanks for sharing!

"That" is very often a Filler word; many time you can edit "that" out without changing the meaning of your sentences. It helps improve pacing and comes in handy if your facing a word count restriction.

In this phrase: are no more than forgotten memoirs do you mean memoirs or memories?

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Irish Void  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
And it t'was a cryin' shame,
and us left with no one to blame.
I missed all the parties,
with most of me hearties.

No reveals with beer,
or toasts of good cheer.
No night of song,
just so plain wrong.

But the spirit lives on,
and before days are gone.
We'll raise up a toast,
to the ones we love most.

So be of of good cheer,
'cuz there's always next year.
With a lilt in our heart,
if we just do our part.

I thought your poem was a very thoughtful expression of what we are all feeling right now about almost everything. Thank You for sharing it with us and COngratulations on your Writer's Cramp Win!


An image to be used again.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of I See You  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, that was not the twist I expected! But then that must have been the plan all along I suppose.

Gonna' get myself in a bit of trouble here. I think this plot would only have worked with your female character, a guy might have said; "Cool! Look at that, I make to 108, let's go get some beers and go cliff diving!"

Or we would have just smashed the mirror...

An image to be used again.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A delightful take on Frosty the Snowman for warmer climes! I loved it!

Your little characters were wonderfully drawn, and really quite believable. I loved Little Joey's whistle, (Did he SEE Mommy kissing Santa Clause? This line, ""You lost your hat and wasn't alive anymore," said Hanna in her sweet little voice. Sandy looked at her and started to laugh.", my mind wants to correct Hannah's use of wasn't to weren't!

A few comments if I may?

"some of the" - you used this phrase twice, not that I have a real problem with it, but this was a word count restricted story for a contest and you could have cut "of the" without losing meaning.

"Let's play for a while[COMMA] so I can feel the sun on my face."

Maybe a comma between while and so?

As I said I loved your character development and scene setting, but there are a few words that "Tell Me" rather than "Show Me", Again, I know there was a word restriction, but if you are looking for edit revision points check out where you used these words - "see, watched, noticed and get". They are a great place to start.

One of my personal failings is over using "Filler" words, that is words that really add no meaning to the sentence. This is especially important in contest entries, where every word has to count. Words like - "just, that, very, then and even", don't always need to be there and editing them out clears the way for more descriptive words. Look at all the sentences with the word just for example;

"We just might be interviewing the next future President," she laughed. Jeff nodded in agreement."

They work just as well without "just"!

A minor plot comment;

If Jackie was a Newbie reporter, she most likely Would Not have had an assigned cameraman, one would have been chosen from the "pool" and sent out with her.

I loved this story, and will be reading it next Christmas, with your permission, to my distant California cousins (several times removed) Thank You for sharing!

An image to be used again.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Glass Box  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Lilliy, Thank You for inviting me to review your story, "Glass Box, I'm very pleased to do so!!

I enjoyed your tale, even though this isn't normally the type of story I'm drawn too, I found it thought-provoking and intriguing.

Your descriptions are rich and you do a great job showing me rather than telling me in most places, the words - see, sees, it's feel, feels and there - are usually "telling" words. You can make this an even stronger story by hunting them down and re-working to make more "showing".

This sentence;

She sits and wonders, and that’s her life. Looks and analyzes and that’s alright.

Has a very poetic rhythm and feel to it, that I really, really liked. Your skills as a poet show through in your rhythmic pacing and language choice. Try reading this sentence, then read it without the and between "looks and analyzes".

You do the same thing in several other places, to very good effect;

Outside is what matters, outside is the world. In here there is nothing but her and hers.

My thoughts on this one are perhaps make use of contracts for Outside is (outside's) (both times) and there is (there's). The consecutive repetition here; her and hers, jars me a bit. I know what you want to say. Can you say it without using "hers"?

Never look down. Never touch things. Never blink. Only watch, listen, and learn.

Perfection!

There are many others, some you might want to read out loud with and without contractions, see which way you feel the rhythm better.

This phrase is the prize winning line!

to the indigo tears dropped on the scrapbook from a writer's eyes.

I don't usually do metaphysical/psychological analysis, but I think I see clear metaphors in this piece. It seems, at least to me that this is the tale of someone locked into their own mind, fighting hard to stay within their "world", but dragged unwillingly into someone else's. I may be way off base, but hey, I'm only the trombone player

Again I love the internal poetry in your prose!! Your writing style is delightful as was the fact that there were no grammatical/spelling aspects to comment upon (something I aspire to). As always keep in mind this review is my opinion, please use what works for you and disregard the rest. Thank You, For Sharing Your Considerable Talent With Us! Keep Writing!!!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello and Congratulations on your WdC Anniversary!

I just finished reading your story and enjoyed it very much.

The settings and characters were very well described and developed, with rich and "showing" language.

I do have a few comments and questions;

In this sentnce;

Relief took Branston and he looked to the treeline to see the archer walking towards him. The man held his bow at his side, and didn't look like he intended to use it.

It reads a bit awkwardly to me, perhaps?

Relief took Branston[,] [and] he looked to the treeline to see the archer walking towards him. The man held his bow at his side, and didn't look like he intended to use it.

In a few places you start successive sentence with - He;

He thought the man was saving him!

He spun and took off running in the opposite direction, the cold wind stinging at his eyes and his cut. He ducked under a low branch as he disappeared into the treeline.


Perhaps?

He thought the man was saving him!

He [Branston} spun and took off running in the opposite direction, the cold wind stinging at his eyes and his cut. He Ducking under a low branch[,] as he disappeared into the treeline.

"bootprints" might be two words?

Something I struggle with, that you don't apparently is "filler" words, beware of; "just, that, seem, then and very" among others. Very often they aren't needed to convey meaning in a sentence and just slow the pace of the story. They are also a great way to get down to word counts in contests if you need to.

A bit about "showing vs. telling";

I think you did a great job showing me your story, but if you want to beef it up look for places you've used these telling words; "hear, heard, feel, see and get. If you can rework those passage to show me what those words told me, your story will get even stronger.

Thank You for sharing your story, I hope you don't mind if I come back later and read the rest!

As always this review was meant to be constructive and helpful, please use what works for you and disregard the rest. And again, Happy Anniversary!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello and Happy WdC Anniversary! I was poking around in your port reading and I found this little gem of a story!

I always love personification of inanimate objects and the stories they have to tell. You did a masterful job here, using a clock to tell us about a bygone era.

Your character, the clock tells a well developed story. The descriptions are rich.

I was a bit jolted by this line: My, I am a Travel Clock, man!

A couple of things made me stumble;

First, to me at least, it seems like it belongs with the previous paragraph, it really isn't an independent thought.

I was also jolted by the language, it seems the clock is speaking, which is fine, I liked that. But the clock spoke with a very modern voice, rather than the more archaic voice I expected. I would have expected something more like - "My word man, I am a Travel Clock!". I could see it being separated if it were in quotes.

These lines are missing spaces between the sentences;

It is so peaceful.[space]Just a faint,
The coachman harnessed two chestnut nags and came up to check me.[space]Time to start another journey!

Are these British spellings of the words?

The rigour of uneven roads could not defeat my armour.

This sentence gave me pause also;

Everyone have such little mirrors with them and put[ting them to their ears before starting blabbing to themselves.

My mind wants to change have to has or carries. I'd edit out the "and" and replace it with "putting them".

Lastly; Dreams of rhythmic trot[s] invade my drowsy hours always.

Maybe endlessly to replace "always"?

Something I struggle with and am very conscience of is "filler words", there aren't many in your writing, (YAY!!) but I do want to mention the few I saw;

Just:

It is so peaceful. Just A faint, watery blue of breaking dawn filters...

Imagine, it took just a little under 16 hours only!!

Now this unhealthy -looking young man has just jerked open the hall door and shoved a gentleman of advanced years to a chair!

All of those sentence survive removing just, now in your case it's not a BIG deal. It is something to look out for though. Losing the extra "justs" speeds up the pace and readability, and it's the first place to look if you need to trim for word counts

This was a great little story. Thank You For sharing it! As always these are just my opinions, feel free to take what works and disregard the rest!

Signature created for me by Roseille. Thank You!!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
67 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brennus