A good piece, hopefully those who are hurting will read it and heed it. Maybe there should be a hot line they can call if after reading the above to get help.
I really like your subject but think you could add more to it. By take away from it. For example: " Someday we will turn around to recount our lives, tearfully bidding goodby to our younger selves". To someday we'll turn around to recount our lives, tearfully bidding goodby to our younger selves. This example only changes the " we will" but as you read through your piece you will find that you can remove most words like, ANDS and THATS. It's your poem though do with it what ever makes you happy.
Just a question, do you really think that we will have to say goodby to our younger selves?
All of us care about things that are important to us. Frustration only takes your power away. If you could kill yourself, would you? Those that are being mean may be those that don't understand you. Maybe you need to stay calm and find ways to convince them of your cause.
You have expressed every writer's dream. To write about things that no one has ever read about before. You said that you have not been writing professionally for long. I am assuming from that statement that you are a writer being paid for your writing. you made a small mistake and used the wrong word in this small piece. "One of my dreams as been to".... it should have been "One of my dreams has been to.......
Good luck I hope you find such a subject, that has never been written about before.
Interesting subject. in your first stanza it appears you left out a word did you mean to write " you have learn death to know living"? To me it should have been You have to learn death to know living or life. Your third stanza could be better thought out.
I think this could be a good poem, but you really need to go back and read it alound and listen to it. with a few changes this poem could be good, with more time and more verses this poem could be great. It's up to you, it's your poem.
Good subject. Power yes more power! That's what we need. The addiction of power is the trap and the road to the fall. Your poem looks to me as a good start. i really think it could be a great poem if you took some time to work on it a little longer. Good job.
I like your poem, but it could be better. There is no punctuation used in the present form of this poem. Your poem would be read as you feel it if you would use punctuation. I also believe that you miss spelled the word (does) otherwise the question makes no sense.
Try to take your time and read the poem out loud so you can hear what others are reading. I believe your poems will be much better for the effort.
Thank you for your advice. It seems sound. Your piece could be better with a little punctuation to more boldly express this important piece of advice. There was a small mistake in your first line I think you ment to write received.
Your piece is full of sadness, but is also similar to a grocery list. If you would set aside the pain for a while and find a way to connect your list with your story of what happend. I believe it would turn into a poem of heeling.
Your poem seems as though you wrote it in a hurry. There are several words misspelled. Your subject could be a great one to write about, but I sense that you wrote your poem in haste. If you took the time to re-read it and just slow down a bit I think you would have a great poem.
This poem seems more like the beginning notes and thoughts of a finished poem. There are several way you can go. Is it a poem, or a song. No matter what it is the subject mater is good. If I were you I would try to develop it. Who knows it may be a great poem or song.
Nice subject for your poem. Your poem would read better if it were formatted better. If the lines of the poem are shorter it makes the read more natural. The only difference is you will have more lines. The poem doesn't seem finished yet. There is a lot you can add to your poem to make it a great poem. These are just suggestions as it is your poem to do with as you please.
Nice poem. The first word is misspelled, I sure just an oversite. The fourth line to me would be better served by the word (grew). The sixth line would read better like this. You and me, a great blend. Sometimes you need to look at a poem and try different combinations.
These are just suggestions as it is your poem after all.
He expects us to love one another. To be thankful for his grace. To share what you have with those in need. To obey him, for he is God. To accept his son's sacraifice on the cross for your sin. You are his and he is your God.
Your poem was interesting to me, as I read I shifted back and fourth in my seat as pain shot down the rightside of my leg. Most of the time I don't talk about it as no one really can identify. So I smile, and tell another lie.
Chuck
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chuckheesch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 5:28pm on May 05, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Bec