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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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301
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

I wanted to sneak an Anniversary Review off to you before you get bombarded at the end of the month. I'm sure that you are expecting a massive onslaught of review, MBs, and c-notes from every GoT group who wants to try to pull ahead at the last minute. *Laugh*

Anyway, this probably seems like a cop out. Why review an activity when I could review your poetry? True enough. I do read your poetry from time to time and enjoy it, and of course, I am not shy about suggestions and such. That was my intention when I arrived at your port, but then I saw this activity. It is one of those that I'm aware of but never remember who actually runs it.

I have actually been wondering in the past few days why there are not more groups that support people's off-site writing. People have money-making blogs, articles, pieces published in literary (or even academic) journals. It would be lovely to have groups of people who read each other's work outside of WDC... seems strange that there aren't more of them.

This group is one of the types that I'm talking about. It supports people's writing OUTSIDE the site. Read them, review them, get involved in making each other successful! It's great to see, and I wish there were 50 more just like this one but with focuses on other areas. It's a great service to the community.

Your vision for this activity was a really nice balance of on- and offsite, actually. It encourages people to review authors on Amazon, Goodreads, etc while also encouraging more product reviews. I think product reviews are often overlooked here. The prizes are great for those who get involved too. I will definitely keep it in mind if I get around to reading a fellow author's novel. It's just a great opportunity for everyone involved.

And that is why I decided to review this activity rather than poetry. I'll hit your poetry blogs/folders/items next time, love. Promise. *Wink*


*Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv* Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"  *Confettig* *Giftv* *Confettiv*

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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

So... I was super confused when I popped into your portfolio and decided to check out your NaNo on a whim. I figured that anyone who finished NaNo deserves a quick 5-star rating, which is a nice little Anniversary gift, right? Well... I thought it was super interesting that the novel chapters were named after poetry forms (that would be cool, really), but then I read one and it WAS a poem. So then I thought maybe it was NaPO (National Poetry Writing Month) and I just read it wrong. *Laugh* *Facepalm*

Anyway, I think it's awesome that you made your own challenge during NaNoWriMo and decided to run with it. Why not write poetry during NaNo, right? Might as well give a poet something to do too.

I read through some of the entries, and they turned out well. I only write free verse myself, but I am an avid poetry reader as well... so I do have my favorite forms and had to read some. You tackled your self-imposed challenge with style, and I'm happy to have run across it.

Well... now that I've rattled on about it for ages, here is that 5-star rating. It might not be a novel in one month, but it is still an accomplishment. Well done! Perhaps next year you will join us for NaPoWriMo in April as well. *Smile*

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Review of The Blank Page  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

Poetry about the writing process tends to be interesting. I've written my share of them. I'm pretty prone to writer's block as well, so I figured that I could probably relate on some level.

Favorite Aspects

The opening stanza. It is by far the strongest part of the poem and acted as an instant hook.

Language / Word Choice

Great as the opening stanza is, I have to say that it was strange to say that a page lies open. Not a book or journal... but a lone page lying "open". Open is the natural state, if you will, for a sheet of paper. It is only folded if you choose to fold it, generally. I might consider something along the lines of 'lying prone' or 'spread before me' or any number of other things. Very versatile line, really.

The second stanza is well written but the sudden appearance of rhyme didn't do much for me. It made it too... cutesy. I just found the transition from emotive opening stanza to rhyming clever stanza to be a bit awkward.

"to falter in breaking the unbroken" -- 'in' isn't really the appropriate preposition here. Why not just use 'when'? It's what you mean, doesn't change the rhythm, and even sounds very similar aloud.

"Break the unbroken" falls totally flat in the third stanza because you just used it. Also, a few too many questions in there for my taste. Especially since one of them is pretty generic-- "What if I fall?"

The last two lines hold no power-- and the word choice isn't particularly powerful. The switch to speaking directly TO the reader rather than to yourself seems odd. Simply cutting the last two sentences and ending with "Start with a word and see what comes next" would be a major improvement.

Originality

I like the metaphor. I hadn't heard it a million times before, so that is original enough for me. There are lots of strong moments throughout-- you have a way with words to be sure and a quirky voice that is somehow endearing.

Effect

The opening is really strong in technique, meaning, and word choice... it outshines the rest of the poem. I am all for a strong opening, but this piece is inconsistent. I might consider rewriting the third stanza in its entirety and using the metaphor to paint readers a picture of those concerns rather than just telling us. It would make the poem more cohesive. I'm giving you a 4-star rating based almost entirely on the strength of that first stanza... it pulls the quality up for the entire poem. Without it, I'd be inclined to go with an average rating of 3. Still, this is one of the better pieces I have read today. I hope I run across your port again!

Oh, and you should probably edit out all of those "Â" at the end of your lines. It was distracting and looks unpolished. I wont hold it against you though.

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Review of "How I wonder..."  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

Your description for the piece makes use of figurative language. If you get creative and poetic in an item description, it stands to reason that the poem itself will have its fair share of it. So I decided to give it a read, and I might as well give you a quick review since I think that it could be helpful for you.

Favorite Aspects

"Temporarily infinite". That is by far the best line in the poem. It is at once an oxymoron and a perfectly reasonable phrase. I love it.


Language / Word Choice

To be honest, the opening stanza made me cringe a bit. I always find it a bit pompous to talk about what the universal "we" do instead of just owning it. I'm a writer, and the stanza does not seem to apply to me. So... a universal blanket statement that seems false or exaggerated is not the greatest hook. The observation seems personal, so why make it about you and me and every other writer if it is about you? The lines are lovely but untrue, basically. I don't write when I don't understand-- I write when I have something to say, or when I'm outraged, or when I find something amusing, or when something lights my imagination. That universal statement just... isn't true. So, that is a problem.

A black world that does not frighten
Monsters do not threaten in its shadow
Only the Stars

Only stars threaten? Shadows threaten only the stars? Black world does not frighten monsters-- just stars? This is precisely why some poems require punctuation. If the meaning is unclear, it needs a rewrite. I also read it as "black world does not frighten monsters." Both of these issues make the stanza very awkward. The meaning is completely muddied to the point where I'm still not entirely sure that I understand what you're trying to say. I think I do, but there is still some doubt.

On a last note here, I am very sensitive to repetition. "With that with that with that" - does that sound good to you? That is exactly what the final lines sound like to me. Anything deeper than that is lost in that sound... like nails on a chalkboard to me. "With that" means nothing and is unpleasant to the ear the first time, so why repeat it? Just my opinion.

Effect

Overall, I think that you have some lovely language in the piece, despite all of the issues while reading. You have a way with words, and now it seems that an eye/ear for revision is needed. WDC will certainly help you hone that if you are open to constructive criticism. I love free verse and think that this poem could be amazing (genuinely). Right now, it just has some areas that stand out like a slap in the face... easy enough to fix if given the effort. *Thumbsup*


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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Favorite Aspects

"Captive beads and seashells decorate its crafted face" is a great line. Nice technique and imagery. The opening line is lovely as well and would tell the reader the subject of the poem, even if it was untitled.

Language / Word Choice

You're talking about a single dream-catcher throughout the poem, so the use of "children's" threw me. This one dream-catcher helps more than one child? Using the dream-catcher as an idea rather than an object to save all children from nightmares... that is how the line reads. And it seemed totally out of left field, since the descriptions read as that of a lone object.

In general, the last stanza was sort of an anticlimax. No imagery. A very blunt and abrupt ending that seems out of place in the piece. The use of "the Art" first made me think of... well... an ART. The art of sculpting, painting, cooking, etc. In that context, it makes no sense (the art of dream-catcher? -- surely not "art of dream-catching" since you've been talking about an object the whole time). If it means "art" as in... a piece of "art", it makes more sense, but it is still very awkward.

The "dulls erratic behavior" seemed forced for the rhyme too. Dream catchers work when people are asleep, right? People aren't "behaving" while asleep... they're asleep. The use of "saviour" is super melodramatic as well.

Basically, I think the end doesn't work at all. A shame.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is awkward for the second stanza. The second line is long and also doesn't roll well from my tongue. It tripped me up each time. The "Captive beads" line is lovely, but it doesn't flow well either. I might set the piece aside for a few months and they read it aloud. Any time you stumble in either rhythm or phrasing, change it.

Effect

In general, I think the poem has strong moments and weak moments. The flow could be improved for sure. The final stanza failed to work on any level for me, which is a shame. I always look for strong opening and closing lines. Here, the piece delivers half of it. Aside from the things that I've already mentioned, the use of rhyme here is... slightly off-putting in its randomness. I would consider revising the piece, but it is a fine draft. *Thumbsup* I hope that you enter the contest again in June if you haven't already. Had I been able to award more than one piece, yours likely would have placed.


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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, love! I'm reviewing an item in the Nonsense genre for "The Challenge" , and your blog popped up at the top of the list. Of course, my eye is naturally drawn to the word "newbie" anyway. *Laugh* I just got done reading through a bunch of misc blogs for 30DBC (which I always always miss!), so I decided to peek through yours as well.

I completely forgot that I was supposed to be finding something to review. I got lost in your entries! I read lots and lots of them before I remembered that I'm supposed to review and item not just read one. So why not review yours? *Wink* Especially after seeing that you've just had one review!

I think that the volume of entries I read highlights one of the strengths of your blog. Lots of people, myself included, are prone to writing very long, colorful entries. Reading just one takes 10+ minutes. I think that it is refreshing to see someone answer in a very concise way without all the bells and whistles and colors and emoticons and youtube links and quotes and... so on. *Laugh*

Sometimes, simple and clean is the most effective, and I believe that is the case here. *Thumbsup* Thanks for the fun read, and keep it up! I'm sure I'll wander through again at some point, and I'll be looking forward to it.


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307
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

The description is what really caught my attention. It seemed like an interesting topic for a poem. *Thumbsup*

Language / Word Choice

You have some strong word choice in this piece, and pretty much every line has an interesting word or two, which is great for readability and keeping a reader's interest. There are definitely areas for improvement though.

"It's like the" is a boring phrase that is unpleasant to the ear. It sets up what you're saying in the first line, but why repeat it over and over and over and over? It is not effective repetition. In poetry, every word counts. If it doesn't add style or character or meaning or pleasant sound, it doesn't belong in the poem.

8 lines out of 12 begin with "it" or "it's" too... and unfortunate consequence of the repetition mentioned earlier. It gave the piece tedious quality. I would suggest cutting all of the fluff so that the important aspects shine. Even visually, it is more appealing without the repetition.... and the important words stand out far more.

"It's like the parting of the clouds to let the sun shine through
It's like the dawning of a brand new day
It's like the silver rains' that fall to cleanse and renew
It's the radiant lamp in the dark lest our feet go astray
It's like the first dainty flower that heralds spring coming round"

"It's like the parting of the clouds to let the sun shine through
the dawning of a brand new day
silver rains' that fall to cleanse and renew
the radiant lamp in the dark lest our feet go astray
the first dainty flower that heralds spring coming round"

In the second, the reader's eye is drawn immediately to the words 'dawning', 'silver rains', 'radiant'... it makes a huge difference. Just something to think about.

Additionally, some of the images and word choice is a bit... obvious. Or generic? The opening line, for instance, is such a common image and metaphor that it doesn't act like a hook. Other's are much better in this regard... like the silver rains and radiant lamp. Those details aren't things that every reader has heard a million times and are much more intriguing.

Effect

I think that this is a nice first draft and shows definite potential, so I hope you aren't discouraged! The idea is great, and some of the phrasing is lovely. I would consider revision to cut the clutter. Removing the unimportant words will let your message really shine! Being concise is often for the best. You may need to adjust for the flow if you edit out the repetition, but I think it would be well worth the effort. *Smile*

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Review of Miscellaneous  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey, love! I'm doing "Invalid Item"  this month (no idea if I'll actually get through it all at this point though-- on #5 of 31?). Anyway, I need to review a folder, and since I knew some of yours were naked, I popped over here.

Honestly, all folders should just have 5 stars. Surely a folder itself is just a "nice effort" place holder, right? The content inside can all have their own ratings-- I always rate folders 5 stars. Same as contests and activities and such (unless there is some glaring issue that cannot be overlooked anyway). So few people take the time to review the stuff that one poor rating can haunt one of these items for years.

I know that I have looked through this folder before, but I just glanced at it today. Pretty amusing that you need a whole wodehouse folder in there! *Laugh* I just stick all of that stuff in my blog I guess.

So, yeah... have some purple stars. I'll be back to do some others at some point too. They will just stay starless until I do, probably. Mine only have one rating-- J did them all one night when she was bored. *Wink*


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309
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

I'm reviewing something from the psychology genre for a challenge, and I always look for newbies to review when possible. Just... to give you a taste of what WDC is all about. Reviews can definitely help you grow as a writer. *Smile*

The reason I chose this piece specifically rather than some of the others I came across is because I like introspection. I tend to be introspective too, so I can relate.

Favorite Aspects

To be honest, I think that the fact that you wrote about the questions you have about yourself and the direction you're taking is the best part. The whole idea of it is appealing and something everyone should do once in a while. Take stock.

Consistency


Style / Tone

The tone is actually quite matter-of-fact. This type of monologue tends to get emotional in a hurry, so I appreciate that you took a more clinical view on things. A bit of self-analysis that really reads like analysis. What a novel idea. *Wink*

Originality

There isn't much figurative language in here, and the "peel off the mask" bit is pretty cliche for such a personal piece. I wonder if perhaps there is a more personal sort of imagery you could use. Just my two cents.

Grammar / Syntax

The grammar definitely needs some work. I think that you will improve this with time spent here. There are classes and lots of reviewers focus a great deal on grammar. I know that I can and have, but it needs such a thorough edit that I cannot choose one thing to talk about. I'll try though.

Well... there are lots of sentence fragments in here. Using a few can be very effective, but here, you have lots of them. It makes reading the piece awkward.

"I have no clue who I am as a person. Why I exist. What I will do with my future. How I feel about certain things."

This, for instance, could go a few different ways:

"I have no clue who I am as a person, why I exist, or what I will do with my future."

That is perfectly sound and easy to understand. Nothing awkward.

"I have no clue who I am as a person. Why do I exist? What will I do with my future?"

This works as well. There are usually options for such things. The difficulty is choosing the most effective.

Effect

I like the idea here. The actual content is a bit generic and really needs a thorough revision. Still, it shows promise! *Smile*


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310
Review of Water  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

The title could mean pretty much anything, and it could be about anything. After seeing the description, I assumed it would be about overpopulation and the water shortage. Not the case, but I can't fault you there. Somehow though, it seems odd for water to be an entirely destructive force-- it is needed for life, after all.

Language / Word Choice

How is water "hard as a stone"? I am all for figurative language... but after much thought, this just seems like a juxtaposition for the sake of juxtaposition. What's hard about it? Like, it doesn't care who it hurts hard? That doesn't come across since the 'soft as silk' is textural. Basically, I don't think it works at all. Hard can mean many many things, and none of them make sense in this context.

Originality

This seems a bit... melodramatic. Pretty but overstated. "rains from the sky / like tears from a terrified child"? It sounds good, but it doesn't get across the type of emotion you intended I don't think. It's so melodramatic that I almost laughed. Might want to dial it down a notch.

Effect

I think that some aspects are pretty fresh and original, while others are pretty cliche (washing away memories... child tears... heard stuff like that a million times). The flow is pretty nice, the word choice isn't boring, and I think the piece shows promise. There is certainly room for improvement though!

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311
Review of Deep Dark Hole  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

The name is one of those that could be anything. A metaphor, the hold of a pirate ship, a grave... it caught my eye because of the possibilities. After seeing the 'mental institute' in the description, you really had me interested!

Language / Word Choice

There are times when the language could be tighter. Some of the lines seem weighed down by words that aren't emotive, and this piece is just begging for a bit more emotional appeal. An example:

"No one will ever hear a helpless plea" --- You could do so much with this line! "No one will ever" is such a bulky phrase that doesn't really grab me. What would make the reader feel this too? Are the pleas murmured or shrieked or whimpered? Do they echo from the walls or dissipate as soon as they leave the lips? Who are these people who wont hear? Hardened nurses? Well-meaning doctors? Add some detail for the reader to sink their teeth into. You have plenty of space there-- "unheard helpless plea" covers everything you wanted to say, so you have half a line to give us something interesting. *Wink*

This is one of the reasons why concise writing is so appealing to me. It give you more space for interesting details. That's what make poetry come alive.

The repetition of "deep dark hole" in the second stanza distracted my attention from the second line, which presumably is important. Just thought I'd mention it.

The final line doesn't hold much punch either. It isn't that memorable. A repeat of "scary", basically, holds no power by this point. You used it three times now... and that is the only interesting word choice in the final line.

One last comment on the word choice-- some of the rhymes are very in-your-face. Buffering? Dies/lies and Be/plea/me. These sort of sound a bit like Dr. Seuss to me, which makes the tone very light for a poem with dark content. Slant rhymes here and there might break up the sing-songy vibe. Say, be/pleas... ? They rhyme... but not quite.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is pretty good. I wanted to mention the smoothness of the rhythm because it really combines with the rhyme to make a cutesy sort of tone here. That is awesome actually-- it would be really fitting for scathing social commentary or a light and happy sort of poem. It drains some of the power from this piece though.

Effect

I think this is a decent draft. It has some interesting moments for sure. It felt like some of the content was led by the rhyme, which isn't ideal. In the end, I just wanted... more. More emotion, more detail, more... something. Clearly you did something right. *Wink*

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312
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.


Favorite Aspects

I like the general idea here. I've written a partial collection on the same basic topic... all 'between this and this' topics. It appeals to me for sure.

Language / Word Choice

To be honest, I think that 'Between' is WAY overused here. By the end, it was decidedly nonsensical. You know... when you repeat a word over and over until it just sounds... weird? That's about the effect here.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is pristine most of the time. It's never off by more than half a beat or so. Very smooth and pleasant. There are really only a few places that seemed off at all. For instance, "Between the loving and indifference" seemed a bit off. Remove the "the" here (which doesn't make sense in context anyway) and the flow will be perfect again. Just that minor tweaking in a couple places will do it.

Imagery

This is where the poem falls short for me. There isn't any imagery. Saying "rainbow after rain" or "giant redwood" doesn't necessarily mean that people will visualize them. A bit more imagery could make the poem shine, but in a very idea-heavy poem, it could be difficult to work into the mix.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

The lack of punctuation gives readers no visual cues as to where a new thought beings or where to pause within the phrasing or... you know... any idea how to read the piece. I've seen worse (much much worse). This poem takes minimal effort to reread and make your meaning clear-- but it wouldn't have taken any effort if you had just punctuated it. Sometimes it isn't necessary... here I think it would be very helpful.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It's pleasant enough to read. I didn't find it emotive at all... partially because of the abundance of 'Betweens'. The flow and rhythm being so solid really saved this piece from becoming unenjoyable. I would consider some revision to work out more of those 'betweens' and to add punctuation that would improve readability. It's an alright draft though. Good luck in the contest! Looking forward to seeing more entries from you too... so far, so good. *Wink*


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Review of Across the Street  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.


Favorite Aspects

Abandoned and useless items tend to appear all the time in my poetry as well. I love metaphorical use of abandoned items in general. It always holds great appeal for me.

Language / Word Choice

The rhymes are a bit cutesy at times for the tone of the poem. They make it sound much lighter than it could be. Slant rhymes serve you better than the really obvious 'toy/boy' type. Though I must say that 'gate/away' are not even slant rhymes. They have some assonance, but they are definitely not rhymes. I was surprised when it became clear later that you were going for an abab cdcd scheme.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is off here and there. "No longer able to hold water" is a bit awkward and throws off the flow by a beat or so. "But everything from the house to the toy" is another that is too long for the flow, so going from one to the next is particularly rough. That one has a super easy fix though-- "But everything, from house to toy" means the same thing.

Just a few examples. I'd consider setting the piece aside for a few months and then reading it aloud. If you stumble over a line, other readers will too.

Imagery

One of the stronger aspects of the poem for sure. The opening line sets the poem up quite nicely in that regard.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

The lack of punctuation made some lines more difficult to read than they needed to be. For instance, the first two lines of the second stanza seem to be one complete thought-- but I had to read them multiple times to figure that out. With punctuation, your meaning would have been obvious-- and it would have been less work for me. Less work = more enjoyment in general.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It has some really strong moments. It could use some revision for flow... tightening up some of the phrasing... making the rhyme scheme clear in the first stanza... just some odds and ends that could use some attention. Still, it is a fine early draft. Good luck in the contest!


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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.


Language / Word Choice

There are some awkward phrases here and there. "My tiny bits of self in a shape of art", for instance, seems like it's begging to be 'in THE shape of art'.

Most of the awkwardness is in the form of padding though-- extra words and phrases that don't had much meaning but add considerable bulk. Cutting them would help readability and also would give you room to add imagery or figurative language or some other poetic content to engage the reader. For instance:

"Yet they are truth, however in disguise" -- I found the use of both 'yet' and 'however' in the same line very awkward. Using 'though' instead of 'however' would seem a little less odd, but it would still be a repetition. All of them mean, basically, "But they're lies, but in disguise". Weird.

"For every single word I write is true" -- 'every single' is conversational slang that I don't think is very effective here. It means the same thing as just 'every' or, better yet, 'each'. Conciseness makes the ideas shine, so why not say it simpler if that's a possibility?

"They can be seen as mere artistic lies" -- love the last three words, not a fan of the build up. "Can be seen" is particularly bulky. It is passive as well.

These are just a couple early lines as an example, but the padding pops up throughout. I would strongly consider tweaking that. It would make the poem more engaging.

Effect

This is a pretty nice draft. I can see the potential. You have some strong individual word usage in here-- it's the phrasing that could be tightened. There are some nice moments, and there are some other little issues aside from the language. I tend to focus my reviews on what could be the most helpful, and I think that for this piece, revising the phrasing would make the most difference. Good luck in the contest & I hope to see more entries from you in the future. *Smile*


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Review of My Normal  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Originality

I will say that I love the ideas expressed here. Very unique. There are some great lines and word choice. In general, I think it has tons of promise.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

I hate to harp on this. I know that many poets hate the idea that grammar can effect the readability of their poetry, but it is a fact. This piece was difficult to read at times because of the poor grammar. That is an issue-- if it is hard to read, people wont read it, no matter how good the ideas are. For this piece, the biggest problem by far is the grammar, so I'll focus on that.

Just as an example here, the very first line would have had me running for the hills-- definitely a deterrent rather than a hook.

"I'm worried, worried where my mind may take me, for years I have battled this."

That is a run-on sentence.

"I'm worried" is a sentence, subject and predicate. "I have battled" is another sentence. You cannot connect them with commas. Proper punctuation on these would be something like:

"I'm worried, worried where my mind may take me. For years, I have battled this."

You could possible use a semi-colon, but it isn't ideal here because of the length of the first line.

As written now, readers don't know where one thought begins and another ends. "where my mind may take me, for years" -- taken as a single thought, your mind goes somewhere that the rest of the line does not. It has great potential to confuse readers. I had to read it twice to understand what it was supposed to say. People wont read poetry if it feels like work.

Effect

I do hope that this review isn't disappointing for you. I know that many poets consider grammar the enemy-- but your work doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means if the grammar just doesn't say it. There are some great grammar classes on here if you're interested in learning step by step. As for the contest, I think this is a nice entry. Good luck! *Smile*


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Review of You  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.


Language / Word Choice

Now, I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but I wanted to shoot myself by the time I got through the last "This is the" line. *Facepalm* I am very sensitive to repetition, and this did not work for me at all. There is nothing nice about the sound of "this is the this is the this is the this is the this is the"-- it becomes a nonsensical lisp after a while. The way most would handle this would probably be to use it once:

This is the _________
____________
the ________________
your ________________


I might also say that "This" can't be both the night and frozen blood at once. It doesn't make much sense. I'm all for figurative language if it works on some level (and this could but doesn't at the moment).


Flow / Rhythm

The flow is alright sometimes. There are some awkward lines here and there. Those "frozen blood" lines are a bit unwieldy compared to the others. I'd consider revising them a little bit (while keeping the content, as that line is the best in the entire piece as far as word choice goes). In general, I just keep trying to imagine it without the constant "This is the this is the this is the"-- it is difficult to fall into any sort of rhythm with that going on. I just find it terribly distracting.

Imagery

There could be far more imagery in this piece. It would be a perfect technique to use for this type of dark poetry. One of the other perks of cutting "This is the"-- that is a 'telling' phrase. Poets who 'show' the audience what they're talking about tend to be more successful. Use the senses... make the reader see and feel and hear it. Can't go wrong for a dark poem.

Effect

You have some good idea here, but the piece reads as a rough draft. That is fine, especially for this particular contest. I think that it shows promise... it just isn't there yet. Cutting the ineffective repetition and tweaking the perspective on the lines a little bit so that you are using imagery to manipulate the readers' emotions--- that would be ideal I think. Good luck if you decide to revise, and good luck in the contest.

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Review of Pelican Dreams  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

I'm from Maine originally, so I still have a fondness for the ocean (despite being landlocked now). So... I decided to give it a look.

Favorite Aspects

Strange as it may seem "It's firm curved head" is my favorite line in the entire piece. It is the only bit of imagery that didn't seem like I'd heard it before.

Language / Word Choice

The language is pretty and definitely creates and lazy, mellow sort of tone. There is nothing quirky about it though... nothing unexpected that really sparked my interest.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is a bit off on the last line of the second stanza. It's a bit awkward. Also, 'river-wet' seems like a compound adjective... which requires a hyphen.

Imagery

It's pleasant. Nothing out of the ordinary really, but as I said before, it is pretty.

Originality

This is where the piece fell short for me. Very short, actually. It just doesn't have much phrasing or word choice that I haven't heard before.

Technical

A few things here. The final stanza sounds like the pelican drowned. "Into the sea" means actually going into the body of water. "Over the sea" would be flying about it.

At the ocean, why are the trees 'river-wet'? Clearly rivers feed into the ocean, but it seemed odd. I actually expected the poem to progress through birds hanging out around different bodies of water or something, as it seemed like a departure from the ocean.

Returning to 'I dream of the pelican / drifting slowly away from' would be more effective if you hadn't used 'I dream of the pelican' twice in the first two lines. By the third time, the impact is entirely gone.

Effect

Overall, I think this was a pleasant read, but I wasn't blown away. There was never a "wow" moment for me. It's a cute little poem though.

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Review of Why wonder  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

I'm just perusing some work from people who are new to Writing.Com, and I thought that this could be interesting.

Style / Tone

The number of questions in this piece ended up being a bit extreme for me, to be honest. I am all for philosophy, existential musings, and the like... but it was a bit much. When I got to "But the simple fact is", I was looking forward to reading some statements... something with some meat. But then it went back to a few more questions. I might think about which questions are the most important for the progression here and use those.

Originality

Well, I can't say that I found this to be original. I love philosophy and have read a great deal though... so perhaps to someone else, it would be more unique and interesting. I might just not be part of your intended audience.

Technical

You should probably use a colon after "and what you should be asking yourself is". So:

'and what you should be asking yourself is: QUESTION?' Just leave it at one question here too... it would be technically correct and more effective besides.

This clearly needs an edit to fix the symbols. The copy/paste clearly didn't work that well.

wonder⦠âWhy
why canât I just stop
it âtrulyâ is. Itâs just not

All of this sort of thing made for a difficult read but is easy to fix.

Effect

Overall, the effect is just a bit on the sloppy side. Clearly the symbol issue makes it sloppy, but I was talking more about the actual structure here. Lots of questions, a tiny break, more questions... I don't think that is the most engaging structure that you could use here. Somehow breaking the questions up a little more or using fewer of them would feel less... tiring. It seemed a bit like work to read them all. With some revision, this could be a cute little piece though, so don't give up on it.


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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

I was just looking through newbie poetry and saw the title. I thought it might be interesting. There are certainly lots of opportunities for fun imagery at a park.

Language / Word Choice

The word choice is engaging. There are lots of words throughout that aren't dull everyday words. I appreciate that.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is alright most of the time. The final line is a bit awkward because of its length. There are others in which the words themselves are slightly awkward, like "darkness comes as the colored lights are now on". That is rough to say. On a side note, it doesn't make sense either... it seems to imply that darkness comes because the lights come on. Cut the 'now' and it would seem a little bit more like what I think you mean to say: as the darkness comes, the lights turn on.

Imagery

Strangely, there isn't that much imagery in here. You list things at a carnival or theme park... but you don't describe them all that much. I can't see or hear or smell it. I don't feel like I'm there at all. For me, that is a major downfall for a poem that is all about setting really.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

The first line isn't a complete thought really. It seems like a strange opener to have a comma'd list just sitting there unattached to anything. The rest of the list also seems to be based on the first word... Theme parks: games, music, slides... that seems like the most obvious punctuation. There are other rough patches, but opening lines are particularly important.

Effect

Anyway, this is a cute little piece but it could be much more engaging. It reads as a rough draft. With a thorough revision, it could be very nice.


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Review of Molly's Revenge!  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

I was looking through newbie items, and I do like a little revenge story. So, I decided to give it a peek. *Smile*

Favorite Aspects

Clearly, this is not a finished story. I think that the story could be interesting though. I like ghost stories... I like revenge stories.

Character(s)

There are no characters yet really. Melanie, Kelly, James, Mom, and Dad... they're known by name but have no personalities. I don't know anything about them. The narrator is just telling the story with little personality too.

Style / Tone

It could help to show the reader what is going on rather than simply telling them. Instead of saying, for instance, "The only way I could contact them was to give them clues," you might describe her first attempts at contact so that the reader can share in the frustration... and then have her discover something that works. It could be done in about two sentences. In general, this type of writing might engage readers better. I generally don't harp on "show don't tell", but if it is all telling with no showing, it can get tedious.

Grammar / Syntax

This was the biggest hurdle for me. The missing commas and the run-on sentences made the piece difficult to read. As an example, this is your very first line:

"My family was really close then Kelly the oldest went on her first date, John the second oldest fell in love with a senior, James the youngest found his first crush, and my twin sis Melanie found true love at first sight, at least that's what she thinks."

This is an awkward introductory sentences, but also a run-on.

"My family was really close then. Kelly, the oldest, went on her first date. John, the second oldest, fell in love with a senior. James, the youngest, found his first crush, and my twin sis Melanie found true love at first sight..."

These are ALL sentences. They can't be connected with commas. And this is just the first sentence in the story. There are lots of guides and even a few classes on WDC that could help you with grammar.

Effect

I hope that you continue writing the story because the plot could be interesting! I don't mean to discourage you at all, but this needs considerable work before it will be ready for readers to enjoy. Finding WDC could be very helpful to you there! Lots of people are rusty when they first join, but if you want to improve, you can certainly learn a great deal here. *Smile*


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321
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


What Caught My Eye

This popped up as a New & Unreviewed item. I tend to review people who are new to WDC pretty often.

Favorite Aspects

You have a distinctly lyrical quality to your prose. The language used is pleasant. You used a fair bit of imagery. I think that the writing itself (barring content and grammar) is enjoyable.

Plot

There isn't one that I can see thus far. There isn't much in here that should be in a prologue as far as I can tell. It doesn't provide much background information-- and none that couldn't be worked into a story. There isn't much of any hint as to what the plot will be. Saying how things used to be doesn't tell the reader anything about what it is currently like-- which is where the story will take place.

Character(s)

Aside from being sort of a dreamer (mostly noted in the tone of the narration), I have no idea who the character is. Kind, rude, fun, uptight, emotional, calculating... I just don't have a good vibe. I suppose that they are young from the 'YA' genre and the mention of parents.

Style / Tone

I think that you have a clear way with words, but it could be honed a bit. Having writing talent and being a story teller are not synonymous things. The story seemed totally disjointed to me.

For instance, the 'hiragana' followed by a list of jibberish was poorly introduced. I don't have any idea what it is supposed to be. It reads as though they are characters used to carve names in the dock, but that makes little sense to me at the moment. And the "list of stuff. Nagi. That's me"... is this supposed to mean that Nagi is the narrator's name? Basically, it is awkward and makes very little sense unless the reader works at it. Reading fiction shouldn't be work.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

It is not clear who 'them' are when you say, "all of them change". Also, the structure of the sentence is wrong. "As it moves forward," must refer to time rather than 'all' to be grammatically correct. Since this is the second line of the story, it acts as a hook. The grammar problem and clarity issue in the second sentence do not bode well. I would definitely consider tweaking them.

There are some other grammatical issues here and there, but the one above it particularly important because of its placement.

Effect

Overall, I think that your writing style is pleasant enough. I think that your storytelling skills could use some work, and WDC is a great place to learn the mechanics of writing. You appear to have some talent... it's just a matter of honing your craft now.


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322
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Favorite Aspects

I think that many people can relate to this piece. The sentiments are somewhat universal, which means that it could have a very broad audience.

Language / Word Choice

The language used is probably the weakest aspect of the poem. There are long stretches without any unique language. Using quirky sorts of word choice and phrasing tends to engage the reader more than using solely words that they hear every day. For instance:

What I see in front of me,
is all the happy memories,
Anything that can get my mind,
off the bad memories that I have.
How you hurt me
is reason enough to forget you.
I try with all my might,
but I am never successful.
Wish I was stronger
and that I could forget the happy times.

This is the first stanza, the hook that will decide whether or not readers will continue reading. What words in here do you not use all the time? Are any used in a unique way? They are functional and get your point across, but there is nothing emotive or striking about them. If you revise, I would strongly recommend paying close attention to the words you choose-- make them count.

Also, you could remove bulky phrases that have no effect. "With all my might" is a cliche... no power there. "In front of me"... well, you aren't seeing things behind you, right? These phrases don't add much meaning, so changing them up would probably improve the piece.

Flow / Rhythm

The flow is alright most of the time, though there are some exceptionally long lines that do not flow particularly well. I usually recommend giving the piece a read aloud after letting it sit for a few months. It will help you pinpoint those times where the flow could be smoother.

Imagery

There isn't any imagery really. There are no mental pictures involved. One of the reasons metaphor is such a common poetry device is that it allows a poet to implant pictures in the mind of the reader. Providing imagery is just one more way to engage a reader.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a rough draft, but it has some nice sentiment that could make a fine piece with some additional effort. At the moment, it doesn't read consistently like a poem. It has moments, but for the most part, it sounds more like ideas for a poem. That is what revision is for. Play with it... have fun with it. That is part of what makes poetry enjoyable in my opinion.


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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I was looking for a dystopian story to read for a challenge and stumbled across your portfolio. I might as well say that I am a huge science fiction fan, which extends to dystopian novels. I have read the majority of classics in the subgenre, which I only mention because it might flavor my views of your work. I have read so much that it may take something highly unique to thrill me. So, take the review for what it's worth. *Wink*

Plot

Well, I thought it was obvious at every turn, to be honest. From the first mention of the Leader as a partner, I assumed that homosexuality would be forced upon people or at the very least would be the norm. I have read many stories over the years that use the same plot device. The Forever War comes to mind, as I reread it just a year ago. To control population levels, people were rewarded for homosexuality until, at last, only a miniscule minority were heterosexual. It is just one example (and a minor detail in that novel), and I only use it to illustrate why this may seem obvious to me. I cannot say that it would be obvious for the average reader though.

From the moment he pulled the woman from the man in the flashback, I knew exactly how the plot would run. There was just no doubt in my mind. It is a classic part of dystopian fiction-- once someone sees the forbidden, even that totally-loyal good soldier, he will stray. Predictable but still fairly enjoyable. Depending on your intended audience, you may want to be more subtle. If you want hardcore scifi lovers to be hooked, unfolding the story this way will not do it. If you want to entrance the average reader who may have limited genre knowledge, I think that it is fine as it is.

Character(s)

I don't feel like I got to know the protagonist super well, even for a short story's standards. This is a plot-based story rather than character-based, or at least, it seems that way to me. In the end, I didn't really care what happened to him. For a dystopia to really have power, it helps for a reader to worry about the fate of the main characters.

Consistency

The time line for the beginning, flashback within flashback, got very muddy for me. I had to look over the entire intro when I got to the "It seems so long ago he'd told me" section. If the entire story is in past tense, and then parts of the story happen in different times further into the past, it needs to be handled very delicately. I think a little revision for the transitions could improve readability.

Style

The constant 'her' drove me a little nuts. Particularly as it was inconsistent. First, I thought that 'her' was used only in place of her name rather than possessive:

"Arriving at 'her' cell I found her equally chained to the wall"

Clearly, that is not the case, as "'her' cell" is possessive, and "her" would be used in place of the name. This switches back and forth throughout with no rules that I can see. As a writing device, I did not enjoy it or find it particularly effective. Perhaps for a shorter piece of writing, but for the length, having 'Her' used everywhere for a main character increased your pronoun usage and didn't boost the inferiority effect.

I would consider, rather than using a possessive, to use a noun in place of the name. It would make the read much easier. So, "Woman" or "It" instead of 'her'... or just give her a nickname early on, unflattering as you see fit. Just my two cents here, but I think anything would be better than 'her'.

Effect

I don't regret reading the story. It is fairly entertaining I think. It could use some revision and a very thorough grammar edit. It also has some room for improvement where readability and clarity are concerned. As a rough draft, I think it's decent (hence the average star rating), and with some polish, it could be quite good. In particular, I might focus on characterization if you decide to revise. *Thumbsup* Congrats on placing in the contest, by the way! *Smile*

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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Things I Like:

I am not a religious or spiritual person, but I still enjoyed this piece. Other people's beliefs are interesting to me. The sun lends itself well to religious work because it is such a symbol of good, light, warmth, and so forth. So in general, I like the theme and topic here.

Observations & Suggestions:

The piece could use a really thorough edit and light revision. It is clearly a rough draft, which is fine for a contest entry or for sharing on WDC anyway. Most pieces are in the process of revision when we ask for feedback, right?

"A cosmos packed of" -- It can't be packed "of". It would be packed "with".

Suggestion: For the second line, "on it leave us" is a bit awkward. A very simple rewrite: "Whose precious creations leave us awed". Using 'whose' shows ownership, so it means the same thing as 'on it'... but it is decidedly less awkward because the syntax works.

"With its own place in the making" -- This line makes no sense to me as far as the meaning goes. The sun HAS its own place, particularly in relation to Earth. The sun moves, but Earth orbits it and goes along for the ride. I just thought this was an incredibly bizarre line. Even from a religious rather than scientific standpoint, it is weird. God made the sun and planets but hasn't yet made a place for them? Weird.

I had no idea that this was a rhyming poem until the stark/dark lines. The first two are VERY slant... like, the way I would pronounce them, they don't rhyme in the slightest. I would shoot for a really solid rhyme for the first set so that people know what's coming. I know that you mention it in the description, but that isn't really part of the poem, right? The use of 'stark' in this context seemed strange too, by the way. Stark is usually alone, cold, barren... not exactly light and warmth.

"Never will the evil seem dark" -- I would consider changing 'dark' to something else here, since just a few lines prior, you used dark very prominently.

Overall, I really like where you're going with it! I think that the piece has real promise and is going in the right direction. It could use some polishing to improve readability-- light tweaks, thorough editing, and punctuation(!). All of these would help the reader. As for the suggestions and comments, use what's helpful to you and toss the rest. *Smile* Good luck in the contest.

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Review of The Lost City  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Things I Like:

Very nice technique on this one. I love the assonance throughout, which I think is very natural sounding and lovely.

The narrative is strong. You clearly know how to tell a story in poetry form. Not everyone does.

You used very strong word choice throughout as well, which is appreciated.

Nice internal rhyme on 'While children dance, a wave advanced'. In general, I think your rhymes are very nice and seem effortless. That is a skill that I don't have, so well done! *Wink*


Observations & Suggestions:

The flow is off a little on 'Neither stone nor life would contend'. It tripped me up a little bit. That was the first time the flow significantly wavered for me. The last two lines of stanza five were a bit awkward for flow as well.

"For Nature's madness there is no cure" -- the flow is thrown off here as well. I like it though. On my second read through, my mind kept wanting to change it to "For Nature's madness knows no cure", but the meaning makes little sense. However, I believe that it illustrates exactly how the flow is off... by one full beat.

Overall, I think that this is a pretty solid piece. With about 10 minutes for of revision, it could be perfect. The only real issue for me was the flow problems where the rhythm became awkward. That may be difficult to fix without rewriting lines, which would be a shame. Thank you for a very nice entry and good luck in the contest!


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