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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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376
376
Review of Rain on Leaves  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi! *Smile* The poem I reviewed piqued my interest, so I thought I'd read another poem or two in your port. I landed on this one.

Some things I Like:

This is the second poem I've read from you, and something has become very clear already: you have a very strong and quirky voice. You also naturally have excellent pacing and flow. Quite nice.

The flow in the middle three stanzas is particularly nice.

I expected to find a poem full of imagery, as it has a nature title. I can't say that I miss it at all.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some weird things going on in this piece too. Lots of little oddities. I'm just going to run through some for you.

"Rain and breeze remind"... grammar isn't everyone's strong suit, but it matters. Things like this stick out to me like sore thumbs and disturb my experience. *Facepalm* So... it isn't 'reminds'... it is 'remind'.

"reminds me what / it ought to be" -- I gather that "it" is supposed to be love or relationships or something of that nature. BUT when I first read this stanza, I had no idea what you were talking about. Had I not already read one poem of yours, I would have quit right there. Grammar issue plus an unknown "it"? I might consider clarifying what you're talking about there. The first stanza is the hook... confusing people early isn't ideal.

"a feel with only senses" seemed really weird to me the first time I read it. Now, I quite like it. The line grew on me. Still, I thought I'd mention that it might have people scratching their heads.

I LOVE the "and think of use" stanza and how it flows as a logical extension from the second stanza. That is one of the areas that created the amazing pacing and flow.

"I see you there / you see me here?" This could have had a similar vibe as the stanzas before it and been very effective, but it somehow misses the mark. I like what you're saying, but the sound isn't very smooth for some reason. It's as though 'there' and 'here' are meant to rhyme or something, when clearly they aren't meant to at all. I don't know... something about it bothered me.

The last stanza didn't move me or interest me at all. I would be tempted to just cut it completely. There is no emotional pull, and it doesn't tie the poem together either. It starts out in the present... and five seconds later you're saying 'the breeze still blows'? Well yeah... why wouldn't it? In general, it is sort of an anticlimax.

Overall, I think this is an interesting piece. I would consider looking at the areas I mentioned. Fixing the grammar issue in the first stanza is a good idea at the very least. With some revision, the poem could be really good. It just isn't there yet. Still, I love your natural voice and excellent flow.

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377
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

There are some very impressive moments in this piece. The first stanza serves as an excellent hook for the piece. The alliteration is a bit cloying, but it still works very well.

I really like the last two lines as well. It sums up the poem nicely. I also appreciate that the poem begins with tons of action and ends with a sigh. It is very fitting for the topic.

I also think that many people will be able to relate to the piece, which may be a good thing.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Who look down, their nose to drop" -- This line is just weird. It seems like you're struggling to make the rhyme work here, and pretty much all meaning is lost. Someone can gather what you mean, but it is just weird. "Their nose to drop" sounds like boogers to be honest. It was the first moment that fell totally flat for me when I was reading. It is also grammatically incorrect... "their" is plural... so "nose" should be plural as well. As much as I love other parts of the poem, I really am not a fan of this particular line. Strongly suggest revision.

"as mornings sun did rise" -- This seems like it should be either "morning" or "morning's". Again, "mornings" is plural and "sun" is singular... which just reads strangely. Even if there is a suggested "in"... "as in mornings sun did rise", it still seems weird.

I do like the second half of the third stanza. An amusing universal truth.

Overall, I think that you have a pretty solid piece in the works here. The idea is great. I like the way you expressed the idea most of the time as well. The flow is good. I like the tone. You have excellent progression through the piece. There are a few places that could use some light revision. I only really disliked one line, which is pretty good on the whole. Just some general polish would go a long way with this one. It's worth the effort.

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378
Review of February 14th  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC, fellow Maineiac! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

There is something intriguing about a howling wall... a howling wind that is also a wall of snow... a howling snow in a wall of wind. Somehow, this simple string of words can bring to mind all sorts of intriguing visuals. I first read this piece last night, and I thought they were odd. Today, I just think it's fun. *Laugh*

Sometimes internal rhymes can be so uneven that it throws off the rhythm of a poem, but you managed to avoid that issue. The flow is quite good.

I also love the "Cold like a razor", which is another line that I didn't love at first. My mind kept trying to change it to "Cold as a razor", which would be both dull and inappropriate in context. *Facepalm* At any rate, I think that "Cold like a razor, sharp and deep" is amazing. I grew up in the bitter cold too, so I have certainly felt that bitter coldness that causes physical pain when you step outdoors.

Observations & Suggestions:

The "animals starve and people weep" flows exceptionally well, and the rhyme works nicely too. When I first saw it though, I wondered WHY the people weep. Just because it's cold? Because the animals starve? Because people become sick in the winter? It is somewhat vague and could be answered in many ways, but it made me curious. No answer seems to be the obvious one.

I really like the actual concept of the poem. You painted the scene well... one that does not bring to mind love. Because it is entirely outdoors though (all of the cold is nature-related), it doesn't relate much to people themselves. I mean, they live inside warm cozy houses with quilts to cuddle under. A roaring fire... a glass of wine... some might consider that romantic. If somehow the cold crept inside, invaded their warm bubble and made them miserable, then I think the point of the poem would be better taken.

On a similar note, one reason why February may be the least romantic month in the year is that people are sick to death of winter and cold! The novelty has long worn off by then. Incorporating some kind of human element could make the poem stronger.

Overall, I really like it. The imagery is interesting, the idea is amusing, and the flow is perfect. Even if you never change a single thing, the poem is a good one. *Smile*


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379
Review of Creativity  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

The ideas that you express are the best part of the poem for me. You have some interesting ideas about the creative process.

You did not use much imagery, but what you did use is fitting for the topic.

You have some strong word choice going on throughout the poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

The this that stuck out most to me about this piece is the bulky, conversational phrasing. It gave the poem a plodding sort of feel to me, where it could have been light and energetic. A few examples:

"It is not something that has to be earned or bought"

Saying 'it is not earned or bought' means the same thing really. Concise is sometimes best. Your ideas in the poem are strong... so let them shine by removing the overly-wordy phrasing. "has to be" "not something"... those phrases aren't interesting and don't add much meaning.

"A plethora of creativity is just waiting to be found"

The 'is just waiting' is passive voice and a split modifier as well. I promise that I wont go nuts about the grammar here. The phrase 'is waiting' here can be replaced with 'waits'... both are present tense. One just cuts out the bulk and makes the verb active. I generally think that "just" is filler unless used to mean 'justice' type of just. I'd remove it personally, but that is your choice.

"Each building upon the other to create a masterpiece"

This one isn't because of the phrasing so much as a missed opportunity. I presume that you mean the flickers or inventive ideas build on each other, right? I might try thinking of some other synonymous and descriptive phrasing to replace 'each building upon the other'. You started with sparks... those moved to flickers, a little bigger and stronger, so this is a perfect place to turn them into flames or roaring infernos of creative energy. That type of progression is always a winner in my book. Using that metaphor throughout the entire poem would make it all the stronger.

On a side note, I like the 'nooks and crannies' bit, but is that a strong enough hook to make a reader want to read the rest of the poem? Something unique might do the trick. Bringing that fire motif in there might just do the trick. Perhaps kindling hides in the nooks and crannies...? Just a thought.

Creativity conceding to imagination in the end seemed odd somehow. They are incredibly similar (to the point that they may be used as synonyms at times), so why would one not recognize the value of the other? I'm thinking that perhaps 'concede' is a strange word choice there.

Overall, I think the poem is pretty good. It didn't move me or really capture my interest. I do think that removing some of the bulk from the poem would allow readers to really focus on the ideas presented. The fire metaphor is a great one, but it only lasts for two lines. I would definitely think about extending that. I think that this piece could be really excellent with a little revision and polish. *Thumbsup*

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380
Review of Cup Full  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello again! I remember you! *Wink* I hope this review isn't too rough. I'm pretty sure we've been through this before. You know how I review. *Laugh*

I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

I really love the message in this piece. Some great stuff in here. This line is particularly nice:

"Sing out loudly and don't apologize for making noise, for taking up space, for gathering in what you need to be satisfied."

Though, that 'sing out loudly' seemed odd to me because 'sing out loud' is something I've heard a few times before. Maybe it's a song or a slogan or something? No idea, but it was a little strange for me. Anyway...

I like the natural flow throughout. Some people just can't deal with long lines. To be honest, I'm one of them. I break my poetry heavily. *Laugh* Nice to see people who aren't afraid to let it roll.

You use some nice emotive language here. I also think you used subtle imagery wherever you could, which is quite nice.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is definitely not what you want to hear, but the first line sounded like a makeup or acne cream commercial to me. *Facepalm* Not what you're going for, I'm sure. The "Stop and think about it for a second" didn't work well for me either. I'm reading a poem... I don't necessarily love the second person POV. I don't want the poet to tell me what to do directly. That's not an awful thing necessarily... just a personal taste issue. I thought it was a bit awkward and off-putting for me personally. That is my biggest issue with the entire piece... that I'm being talked to. *Wink*

Somehow, the entire thing would work better for me if you were talking to.. something or someone else. The message would still hit the reader, but it wouldn't feel like a motivational speech. Again, just a personal preference that would be more effective for me. I don't even know if i'm part of your target audience, so put whatever stock in it you want. It did have a major impact on my enjoyment of the piece, so I had to mention it.

At any rate, I think that the first three lines are the weakest in the poem. I would definitely consider revising those. If the opening lines aren't really strong or interesting, people wont bother to keep reading, after all.

The poem does become stronger and stronger as it progresses, and it really does feel like it's moving. It's progressing and growing from beginning to end. A nice effect.

There are some grammar issues in here that could be smoothed out.

"Walk through that fire fearlessly." Dangling modifier. If a line ends with an adverb (an -ly word), then it is likely in the wrong place. "Fearlessly" modifies "walk"... so it needs to be near "walk"... "Walk fearlessly through..."

"When you feel alone tap into the energy" comma missing after 'alone'.

These are just a couple. Grammar is no fun, but in a complete-sentence poem, it should be correct when possible. Did we talk about this before? *Laugh* I think we might have, so I'll drop the grammar talk.

Final note here: The "you are loved, you are strong, you are mighty, you are blessed" and later "your body, your spirit, your heart" were not the strongest repetitions in the world. Together, they seemed bogged down to me. They aren't awful or anything, but they might have moved me more without the repetition. We know you're speaking to the reader by this point, so there's no real reason to say you you you you your your your.

Overall, I think that you have some really amazing things to say in this piece. I didn't love the means of saying them, I guess. The tone came off slightly bossy in my mind, right from the beginning. Again, this might just be my personality. I've never been a huge fan of being told what to do, even as a child. *Laugh* If you hear the same again from a few other people though, you may want to give it a critical look at the POV. I can't fault you for the style you used. It is consistent throughout, and that's what matters really. There are still some areas for improvement... some places that could use some minor tweaks. A nice entry though, and I hope you do well in the contest! *Smile*

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381
Review of Autumn's Ceremony  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

It's a small world! I was just poking around in your portfolio a few hours ago, and now, here you are again! *Laugh*

I like your writing style. It is heavy on the description, but that isn't what struck me. You use strong action verbs. That is always a plus in my book.

There are an abundance of flashy words used in this piece, and many of them are used to great effect.

The flow in certain areas is very nice. Most notably, toward the end of the first stanza and the beginning of the second.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are areas in which the adjectives overwhelmed the subject matter. Picking and choosing those moments to describe in detail makes them that much stronger. I tend to be a bit over-the-top with that myself though. Better to have overwhelming imagery than too little in my opinion.

There are a few times where you broke lines just before prepositions... "of chiffon" (you need two F's in 'chiffon' by the way)... in ceremonial nuptial... for the wilting's. Sometimes a strong word placed as a line opener makes it even stronger. Just an observation... no suggestion.

Nice assonance with the "ceremonial nuptial ritual" by the way.

Now, the biggest issue with this piece for me is that the description is so obvious. You introduce a fairy in the first line, and then we find words like chiffon, ethereal, shimmers, delicate, gossamer... flimsy, flighty, willowy... there is nothing interesting about using these descriptions for a piece involving a fairy. There's no hook. There's nothing quirky about it. These are the obvious adjectives people would use to describe a fairy, which made me feel like, "Okay, I've read this before". It's just a bit dull.

Speaking on the hook a little more: I love love love the words imaginary and invisible. I use both in usernames on the internet. I even use one in a few email addresses. That said, using them together is... silly. If it is imaginary, clearly it is invisible to anyone else. There's no reason to use both. It just seemed like a, "Well, obviously!" moment to me.

The best bits of phrasing in the entire piece are the unexpected ones. Confetti... awesome word choice! It's not shimmery, lovely, and delicate. It is interesting. It catches the eye. It's awesome. "Branches denuded" is a nice one too.

There are times when the flow gets a bit bogged down. I might try setting aside the piece for a few months and then reading it aloud. If you stumble over anything, tweak it. The flow will be better for it.

One small note: You left in an HTML tag "in gorgeous fallen maple leaves<br>". *Wink*

Overall, I think that this piece has really strong moments. I do think that it could use some work. It feels a bit belabored for something that seems like it should be light in tone. Part of that is the flow, and part of it is the heavy heavy use of adjectives. The one aspect that could really use the most improvement though is the opening. There is nothing unexpected or super interesting in there. Pretty? Sure. Unique? Not really. If I wasn't judging the piece, I might have stopped reading around the "delicate gossamer" point, thinking "Okay... I get it". All of the best writing happens after that. I'd strongly consider working on that hook. Thanks for a nice read and good luck with the contest!

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382
382
Review of Break Free  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello! *Smile* I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

The rhymes are pretty solid here. I tend to like slant rhymes better, but some of these are quite nice. Work/Berserk, for instance, is a nice one.

I like the general topic and meaning here. I think that pretty much anyone could relate to it on some level. That's a great thing if you want it to have a broad audience.

The tone is very fitting for the topic as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The repetition of "so many" didn't strike me as very effective here. It didn't grab me. The opening lines are the hook, so the stronger the better! The "so much" immediately tells the reader that this will be a conversational style piece, which works. Repeating it just adds bulk and not meaning. I'd consider cutting the second one.

"I want to make true" seems a bit strange. "make true"... I can see why you'd want to avoid the cliched "dreams come true", but "make" doesn't work super well. I might look into a stronger verb there. An action verb would do more to grab the reader as well.

There are many opportunities in this piece to use emotive language. An example:

"None of the ones that I like, I find" -- "like" isn't very emotive. It doesn't conjure feelings in the reader. Something more specific, like "cherished" or "pleasant" or "extraordinary", add some feeling. Stronger word choice makes your ideas sing in poetry. You might as well use them where you can. I do love the meaning of the line here, by the way.

You use two "just"s in this piece. Both of them take away from the meaning of the words. "The urge to JUST run away" is not as strong as "The urge to run away". It pulls focus from the meaning without adding anything. See what I mean?

You have some odd commas in here. "All I want, is to break free"... no comma needed. "Is like having a concert, and not having a mike"... no comma needed.

By the way, it is "mic" not "mike", as you're talking about a microphone. *Smile*

The flow is off here and there. "is more than words can ever say / Having one life, and not doing what you like", for instance, is not a smooth transition. The natural rhythm falters here. If you set the piece aside for a few months and then read it again aloud, you might have an easy time smoothing out the flow. Any time you get tripped up, tweak the line. You'll end up with better flow.

Overall, I think this is a pretty nice piece that has some good ideas. There is feeling in the poem, but it didn't make me feel anything as a reader. Some emotive language would help, as would cleaning it up and letting the words shine (like removing those "just"s and tightening up the wording here and there). There is room for improvement, but I think the poem would be well worth the effort. Thanks for your entry and good luck in the contest! *Smile*

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383
383
Review of Alone  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! *Smile* I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might like some feedback on your poem. Keep in mind that placing in the contest depends as much on the other entries as your own. You might have an amazing entry and not win or get an award for an entry that still needs some work. It just depends on the quality of all the entries.

Things I Like:

I'm always stoked to see non-rhyming free verse entries, as they are a bit rare for this contest. I'm a non-rhyming free verse junkie myself, so bring on the poetry!

You have some really nice phrasing in this piece. I quite like some of your line breaks as well. I particularly love the "oblivious to the / forgiveness" break. I am a huge fan of beginning lines with strong words. *Thumbsup*

The 'look away' bit is perfect for this piece, and the punctuation works well.

The "Communication / overload; nothing's heard" lines are the strongest in the entire piece. Love it.

Observations & Suggestions:

I would consider ending with the strongest lines.. "Communication / overload; nothing's heard". Way stronger than a lone "Alone". That struck me as a bit boring. It's seen many pieces that end with the single word "Alone". In this piece, the overwhelming feeling isn't abandonment or loneliness. It IS, however, about communication. The "Soft / unspoken words" that end with "Communication / overload..." would be lovely and perfect in my opinion. Of course, that is just my opinion. Do with it what you will. *Wink*

The "Splintered" and "shattered" lines border on cliche as well. I've heard lines exactly like them many many times. It's not that they aren't good. Of course they are! They're just not very interesting. The use of 'splintered' and 'shattered' so close together are particularly dull. I could find many poems right here on WDC that do the same thing. It isn't bad... but it could be stronger and more personalized somehow. Just my two cents.

I thought it was weird that the "soft" words fell "heavily". It was striking and quirky, which is good. But it bordered on just... strange. No suggestion for change. Just thought I'd mention it.

The "can't" in the third stanza surprised me. It was the first contraction in the poem, and it happened pretty late. I am not a big fan of contractions unless the poem is very conversational. This one is not conversational. That "can't you see it is all a" is the weakest line in the poem in general, actually. There isn't a single interesting word in there, and it is an awkward sort of phrase that doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem. I might consider revising. The "nothing's" contraction wasn't as striking as the "can't", but I'd consider tweaking that one too.

One final suggestions here... and this one may be out there for you... but I would use spaces for the "mis-under-stand-ing?" line. I love broken words in free verse and use them whenever it is fitting. I've rarely seem an instance where this would be MORE fitting.

"mis under stand ing?"

At a glance, people might think, "Oh, a typo" as 'under' and 'stand' are words... but once they hit 'ing', it will make sense. Basically, it causes an exceedingly brief misunderstanding... a very calculated misunderstanding. I think it is a fabulous idea, but I'm just throwing it out there for you to ponder if you feel like it. *Wink*


Overall, this was a nice read. It has some really strong moments and good flow. There is room for improvement, but it is a good entry! *Smile*

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384
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The description for this piece caught my eye (as did its placement in your highlighted items). I pretty much knew what I was in for, given the awardicons and ratings. I was ready to smile.

You did not disappoint. There are tons of super amusing lines in this piece. It was much longer than I expected it to be, but it never became stale or boring.

Observations & Suggestions:

I was surprised at the narrative quality of this piece. I expected a tirade or overtly harsh humor, really. This was much more than I envisioned from the description.

If I tried to give this an in-depth review, it would go on and on for ages. As a whole, the poem is very clever. You hooked me from the very first line. Awesome intro! A "poetry prom" is super amusing and brings to mind many of the trappings of the contests you're spoofing.

Anyway, thanks for the fun read! It's nice to stumble across a lengthy poem now and then that has some real entertainment value. *Smile*


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385
385
Review of Glass  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I stumbled across your portfolio decided to peek at your poetry folder. I figured that I might as well give you a quick review.

I think that the intro is strong. The opening line is a really nice hook. I love it. That 'fragile weapon' of the "glass cannon" is lovely.

The second stanza is quite clever. It contains some of the strongest writing in the entire piece, in my opinion.

Observations & Suggestions:

The last two stanzas aren't as strong for me as the first two. "All fortune in this mess is your creation" is the only line in the piece that is awkward. The flow is off, and something about the "in this mess is" doesn't quite work for me. I do love the meaning, but the execution could use some polish.

The last two lines provide an appropriate ending for this piece, but their power pales in comparison to many other lines in the poem. Generally, I look for a strong ending. I expected one in this case, and I didn't feel like I really got it. It serves its purpose, but it isn't as memorable, interesting, or beautifully written as other parts of the piece.

Overall, I like the poem. I think it has some shining moments, but there is still some room for revision here and there. Tightening up the phrasing in the third stanza would help quite a bit. Somehow creating some resonance in the last two lines would be great as well. They didn't leave me thinking or feeling anything except slight disappointment that they weren't as strong as the beginning. Still, this piece has tons of promise, and it wouldn't take much effort to polish it. *Smile*

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386
386
Review of Free to Write  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

I've been poking around a bunch of portfolios tonight, reviewing here and there. I stumbled across your port once again (yes, I've been here a number of times before for whatever reason). This caught my eye again.

I have had Free to Write in my favorites since sometime in July. I love the entire idea of prompted automatic writings. I haven't done any since Creative Writing class back in high school, some 14 years ago. I loved it at the time, and those writings became the basis for stories on more than one occasion. It's just a great practice.

I intend to give it another try at some point, and this is the perfect venue to do that.

I also looove that you don't offer fancy rewards and that it isn't a contest. Sometimes encouraging people to write for the sake of writing is the best gift you can give.

In short, I dig it. Awesome idea, and I love that it is low-key. *Thumbsup*

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387
387
Review of Choices  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm not sure if I've ever given you a review or not, Cheri. I decided to dig through some of my newbie friends' portfolios and stumbled across this piece. I figured that I might as well give you some feedback. *Smile*

Things I Like:

I like the story itself. The reader can absolutely fill in the blanks here. I presume that he or she ran away from home after a fight with the parents, but it could also be a poorly kept facility... psych ward/juvenile detention center. It is open to interpretation, but regardless or the specific setting, the uncomfortable and depressing atmosphere comes through.

You packed quite a bit of emotion into the piece. For 100 words, that is quite impressive.

I love the description. It is just the right amount. You provided some good imagery that set the mood but didn't toss around so many adjectives that reading became a chore. Nice balance there.

I also like that it is in present tense. I honestly think that present tense adds some mystery and urgency to most stories that utilize it.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is a short piece, and you seemed to use lots of compound predicates. I fall and let. I force and walk. I hang and begin. These three sentences make up the bulk of the story, and the repeated sentence structure did not go unnoticed. It began to feel repetitive. I might consider varying the sentence structure a little bit more.

Similarly, most of the subject here are "I". That also gets repetitive. There are work arounds. Instead of saying "I force myself to open the splintered door..", for instance, you might say "The splintered door creaks as I push against its pock-marked surface". It's pretty much the same thing... it just uses a different subject. I'm not suggesting that you use this exactly, but I wanted to give you some idea of how you might vary the subjects a little more.

"to open the splintered and pock-marked door and walk" The ands here tripped me up. I'd consider 'splintered, pock-marked door and walk".

I hear her say “Baby is that you?” ...comma after 'say'.

Overall, I like the piece. I think that it works very well for the most part. Varying the sentence structure and subjects will help your writing in general... it is more engaging for the reader. So, practicing by revising this piece might be helpful to you in the long run. Still, it is an enjoyable read. *Smile*


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388
388
Review of REUNION  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I think this was a sad little piece, but it was an enjoyable read. I greatly prefer flash fiction to elicit some sort of emotion anyway, regardless of what emotion that might be.

This could have been creepy, but you kept it light enough so that it never became super dark. Resignation and sadness... that is what came across.

Observations & Suggestions:

It seemed like a given that he was looking at a gravestone/memorial from the first two lines. If he's looking for his own name, then clearly he is dead. That pretty much killed any hope of a twist or strong moment of revelation at the end, but it did add to the resigned tone.

It is interesting to think how long Ted was around before going off to join the others. Just... wandering around talking to himself until he couldn't take it anymore was how it read to me. Interesting.

I thought it was a little strange that on a memorial, they would use "Ted" rather than "Theodore". It was equally strange that he didn't read his LAST name on the memorial. It isn't a big deal, but I did find it a little odd.

Looking at his watch and seeing that it was time to go seemed very odd too, as we already know he is dead. Wouldn't he just feel that it was time to go rather than seeing it on his watch? Or is the reader not supposed to know at this point that he was dead?

I was wondering if the inscription on the memorial was real. Is there such a memorial in real life, and if so, is that what it says? It doesn't really matter in terms of the story... I was just curious. *Laugh* Anything that makes me actually think about something in a story this short is good, really.

A final note here, I thought that you overused the dash punctuation. It got a little bit annoying for me. Again, not a big deal, but I thought I'd mention it. Most of the time, a comma or sentence fragment would have sufficed. The broken quality did create a strong voice for the story though, which was nice.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It could be stronger in certain areas, but it's pretty good as it is right now. There's no surprise or twist, but it was an entertaining read nonetheless. *Smile*

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389
389
Review of Soon Enough  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

Every once in a while, it's nice to do some anniversary reviews! I don't think that I've popped into your portfolio for years. Anyway, I had to poke through the flash folder because I do love super short fiction.

Robert is a pretty strong character, which is always impressive for flash fiction. his feelings for Bess came through quite nicely, as did the fondness for Jessica.

Observations & Suggestions:

To be honest, you gave away the ending with Jessica's first line, "Grandpa, don't do this. Gran wouldn't want this." It told me instantly that his wife died and he was about to kill himself. So... there was no surprise at the end and no surprises along the way. One of the reasons I love flash is the twist or the moment of revelation at the end that ties the story together. This piece lacked that a little.

It's hard to feel anything but disgust for someone who would shoot himself in front of his granddaughter or knowing that his granddaughter would find him. I thought that was a little... sick. If he didn't hear her out there... if he was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't notice... he wouldn't come across as a selfish jerk.

You could still have the same ending too. If the reader knows it is the granddaughter, but Robert only notices the knocking at the last moment without recognizing who is there, he still might say goodbye in this manner. You might also get away with his last words being "I'm coming!" or "I'll be right there!". It would leave the reader wondering... is he talking to his dead wife or to his granddaughter at the door? That is a chill-inducing, sad type of moment.

Overall, I wasn't super moved by the piece. I think that if Robert was more deserving of sympathy, it would have had a bit more of that tear-jerker quality. I might also try to veil what is happening for a little while longer, just to give the reader that slow-dawning "wow" moment. It's a decent read as-is, but it could pack a stronger emotional punch with a bit of revision. *Smile*

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390
390
Review of Poem Defined  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Happy WDC B-Day! *Smile* I know that this is an old piece, but it caught my eye. I adore free verse, so I thought I might as well give it a try.

Some things I Like:

I love the opening three lines. At it's most basic, that is what a poem is. The progression to the end is extremely well-done. You start simply and end complex.

This is carried through visually as well. The stanzas become bulkier as the poem moves along, with exception of the aside "Painful...yet so soothing."

You have some very emotive language here as well. Quite enjoyed it.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Release of... / Empty the boiling" This struck me as strange. I might consider "empties"... the release empties the cauldron. That makes sense. At the moment, it is a little awkward and sounds like a command aimed at the reader, which is disjointed from the rest of the piece.

The use of "release" and "released" to begin the last two stanzas wasn't super effective for me. It could be effective and resonant, but somehow it isn't. On a side note, "released into a cocoon" is strange. Interesting, sure... but strange. No suggestion to change it necessarily, but I'm not a huge fan of it. It's an interesting twist of the typical "released from a cocoon", but does it really work? Sort of.

Overall, I like the piece. The line breaks are great. The flow is effortless. You word choice is quite good. The meaning itself is awesome. It's just a really solid piece of writing. It could use some revision if you felt like playing with it one day, but it is a good piece as it is. *Smile*

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391
391
Review of Meditation Room  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I saw your request in "Please Review"  and thought that I'd give it a try.

Some things I Like:

The initial set up for the story works. The narrator is exhausted in the beginning, which ties directly to the end. For a piece this short, I think that the direct connection is a good idea.

Your have some nice phrasing in the story too. Clearly, you have a pretty strong vocabulary.

Observations & Suggestions:

There were times when that phrasing got very bulky. Too many descriptive words can bog down a sentence. Rather than drawing readers in, it makes them lose interest. Example:

"I found myself sitting slumpy in a small room lit only by a single light, a peaceful place where I could unwind my weary mind. I took a deep breath and rested my chin on my hand then slowly closed my eyes."

That "slumpy" is very unnecessary, first. "I found myself sitting slumpy" is not concise language at all. Did you "find yourself"? No. So why is it in there? For me, this is a 'get to the point' moment. There are many throughout.

Back to the example above: slumpy, small, only, single, peaceful, weary, deep, slowly. This is an exhausting number of descriptive words for just two sentences. Sometimes less is more. I felt like I was reading a thesaurus page here.

By the end, I wondered if there might be more opportunities to show who the character really is. We don't know much about him. If readers don't know much about a character, they don't care what happens to him. It increases the chance that they'll just get bored and quit reading.

The piece needs a thorough edit just for grammar and to polish the piece. There are some random weird moments in here that should be fixed. For instance:

“This is stupid!" I don’t want to end my life like this. Someone please help me!”

Just a minor thing that is easy to do while writing but can cause confusion and readability issues for the reader. Might as well give the story a thorough once over.

The end confused me a little bit. Mostly the overflowing pail.

"I perceived on my right a pail with overflowing of water coming from the faucet, continuously drifting onto the tiles that were neatly arranged on the floor."

What pail? Was he in there to use the bathroom AND fill up a bucket of water? That part didn't make much sense to me. Maybe if he was just running a bath for himself while using the bathroom... that wouldn't seem as odd.

Overall, I did think the story had some humor, and it could be really fun and surprising. It just needs some work right now. I think that the biggest hurdle is using concise writing and cutting back on the overuse of adjectives and adverbs. Making us care about the character would be nice, but for a shorter piece, it wouldn't matter much. Clearing the clutter would help immensely. This is a good start so don't give up just yet! Revision is just part of the process.


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392
392
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Joy! I just stumbled across your contest and figured that I might as well shoot you a quickie review. *Wink*

First, I love contests with simple rules. Super long lists of the same old rules get a bit tedious after a while, but of course, we all still read them. *Facepalm* It's nice to not have to do that.

Placement of the prompt at the top is a good idea too. I don't enter many prompt-based contests myself, and it's a bummer to read all about a contest and get excited only to find mandatory prompts at the bottom. *Laugh* Letting people know what's expected immediately is awesome.

I do like the prompt, by the way. It is specific enough to serve as a bit of judging criteria but loose enough to allow for lots of creativity. *Thumbsup*

Basically, the setup is short & sweet. I dig it! I hope you get tons of entries, and who knows? I might just find some inspiration and enter it myself. *Wink*
393
393
Review of The Seed  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"  and decided to give everyone some feedback for their entries. *Smile*

Things I Like:

First, I love what you did with the metaphor. It carries the entire purpose and meaning of the poem beautifully. I particularly like how it plays into that final stanza. Very nice!

The flow works for me. Sometimes people have trouble making super short lines flow with long ones, but you didn't seem to have any trouble with it.

Observations & Suggestions:

The repetition of "your" isn't super strong. In general, I'm a fan of repetition only if it really serves a purpose and progresses somehow. "Your" serves a purpose here, but it doesn't progress anything. It is used the same way each time. That becomes tedious with use rather than powerful. I'd consider tweaking it. If I wasn't judging, I might have stopped reading after the opening stanza's "your shoulders, / your feet, / your deeds" simply because out of 9 words: 1/3 were "your" and 1/3 were common, every day words. It doesn't bode well.

You used common words more often than not in this piece. It adds to the conversational tone, which is effective in this poem, but it doesn't spark any emotion or pull the reader into the piece. Take this line, for instance:

"This is about what you have left behind;"

Every word here is a common, every day word that someone would use in conversation. However, there are other common words that would still have more emotional pull. "what you have left behind" vs "what you abandoned". Which would make a reader feel more? I would guess "abandoned". It has an emotional connotation naturally. You might "leave behind" your purse in the car or something. No emotional connection. This is just an example of what I think might help throughout. When possible, interject some stronger words that will involve the reader a bit more. It will make the final stanza more dramatic and memorable.

I didn't say so specifically, but that final stanza is awesome. I absolutely love it. It's a very fitting way to end the poem and the tone created is great.

A basic grammar edit would help a whole lot as well. I wont correct the whole thing, but here are a few:

"Is this what you intend to happen?" I think what you're going for here is "intended"... past tense. The piece is talking about something that already happened.

"the seed with have grown" Seed is singular, "have" is used for plural. It should be "the seed[s] have grown" or "the seed has grown".

Overall, I think this is a really nice piece. I love what you're trying to do here. Some of it really works, but some of it could be stronger. There is definitely room for improvement, particularly in the area of making a reader care or relate or feel something. I like the poem as it is, but I don't love it yet. A little polish wouldn't hurt. Just save a copy and start playing with it-- you never know what amazing thing will happen if you start experimenting. *Smile*

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394
394
Review of The Cat  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"  and wanted to give you some feedback for your entry. *Smile*

Things I Like:

This is really cute! I'm sure that children would find it amusing, so the narrative is fitting for the children's genre.

You used great action throughout to keep the poem progressing at a good pace.

The language seems fitting for older children. Maybe 8 and up? There are a few words that younger children might not know, but I think they would still understand the story. Nothing wrong with throwing in a word like "stealth" here and there anyway. It is a fun way to increase a child's vocabulary and would create a great reference for them if they ask what the word means-- cats are stealthy. They can visualize it easily enough.

The cat's behavior seems pretty cat-like to me. Extreme focus for short periods of time sounds about right to me.

I like that in the end, he failed to catch yet another target and just moved on to another. It's a perfect way to end the poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

The flow was off in a few places. Letting the poem sit for a while and then reading it aloud might help you smooth it out.

"Behind him was a big old cat,
Running with stealth and speed.
The mouse jumped in and the cat fell flat,
Into a pile of feed."

That third line is about a beat off. And can fit the rhythm, but only if the reader knows it's coming and adjusts. I'd suggest maybe "The mouse jumped, and the cat fell flat". That would also alleviate the other oddity in this line... "The mouse jumped in"... into what? The last we heard, the mouse was scrambling over your feet. It seemed to me that the mouse jumping and then the cat falling clears up the image. Mouse jumps, cat flies past into the feed. Right now, it's a little muddy.

Anyway, this is just one example of the rhythm being off. It isn't a big deal, but there are some areas that could be smoother.

"and moved through the lawn" The meaning is clear enough, but I thought it was a little weird. You move through grass, not through the lawn. To me, they aren't interchangeable. *Wink* Not a big deal though. I'd consider changing "through" to "over". You move over a lawn... that makes more sense to me. Additionally, it would alleviate the two different uses of "through" in the middle lines of the third stanza. "I thought the cat was through"/"moved through the lawn"... that might confuse a child, since one means 'finished' and the other is the more traditional use. Just a suggestion.

I like that the rhymes you use here aren't super child-like. The words are simple, but the rhymes don't feel like Seuss-obvious. Know what I mean?

Overall, I think this is really cute! There is room for improvement, but it is a nice little poem. It was a fun read. *Smile*

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395
395
Review of UNPACKING  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might want some feedback on your entry. *Thumbsup*

Things I Like:

I think that the sense of danger painted throughout made the ending pretty effective. I couldn't help but smile. Danielle's personality came through very clearly, and I think that most people could relate to her. I know that she sounds a bit like me as a teen. In fact, I did something similar-- turning a tea kettle so thoroughly that when I tried to lift it, the entire bottom stuck to the burner while the rest came loose in my hand. *Laugh*

Back to the sense of danger, you did well creating tension and a bit of anxiety with word choice, but you didn't go overboard with it. Too much doom would have made the ending seem weird rather than comical.

You told the story well and had just enough imagery to allow the reader to become involved with the narrative.

I love the "flapped at the screamer" and "shrill siren rasping". Some nice phrasing.

Observations & Suggestions:

In general, I think that I find -ing words less effective with prominent use. There are many of them in this piece. The first and second stanzas overused them a bit. "coughed and gasped" or "thumped and blared" or "thumps blaring" or... there are just so many ways to say the same thing that the -ing words fall flat after a while. I kept wishing for more action, despite there being tons of action in the piece.

The biggest issue in this poem, by far, is the flow. It is so off that it's hard to even choose a few places that were worse than others. The piece never fell into a rhythm... it's disjointed sounding. I'll try to grab a few examples, but these are far from all of them:

"It was a favourite mug of a daughter
Thought to be away at university.
Hadn't she heard or smelled? This was odd for her."

The flow is a bit rough for the first two lines, but the third derails it completely. That "of a daughter" seemed odd to me, by the way. It's a bulky way of saying "a daughter's favorite mug", so why not say that? It's less awkward. "mug of a daughter" almost sounds like an insult actually. *Wink*

"That a kettle can't boil indefinitely.
Danielle was the first to burn water, but not
Thank God, able to kill herself making tea."

Again, the flow is very awkward here. It was hard to get the words out. That last line doesn't flow from the first two. Also, the "able" shouldn't be there. "Danielle was the first to burn water but not to kill herself making tea." makes more sense... she was the first to do X, but wasn't the first to do Y. If you want to use "able", you would need to repeat the "was" because you're no longer talking about the first. Does that make sense? If not, email me, and I'll try again. Sometimes, grammar is difficult to explain.

Overall, I loooove the story. You have some really great word choice throughout. The rhymes aren't overbearing. Really, the flow is a huge downfall and could use some work. Excellent word choice is more than half the battle in my opinion-- yours is natural and intriguing without looking like a thesaurus threw up all over your poem. Some people can't quite get that right. If the flow was intact, this would be excellent. Try putting the poem aside for a few months and then reading it aloud. If something trips you up, it's probably because the flow is off. As it is, this is still a very nice entry. *Smile*

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396
396
Review of Rejected  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might want some feedback on your entry. *Smile*

Things I Like:

You have some really amazing moments in this piece. My personal favorite:

Public displays of affection,
private displays of decay.

The meaning is perfectly fitting for the subject of your poem, and the almost cheesy rhyme with "day" actually makes the last line reverberate like a slap in the face. I love it. Absolutely love it! It packs an emotional punch, and you made it seem effortless.

I think the sentiment at the end is quite lovely.

The flow is great for the most part. Your rhymes are pretty smooth most of the time as well, but there are a few hiccups for me.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, "teen spirit" makes me thing of two things. One is underarm deodorant (as Teen Spirit is a brand of deodorant). The other is a smoky gymnasium with cheerleaders dancing to an overplayed grunge song. Neither have anything to do with the topic of your poem. I just thought that I would mention my association with the term. I'm positive that I wont be the only one who thinks of one or the other.

"Teen spirit turned me to anger" is an odd bit of phrasing in general, since I mentioned it. Did it turn YOU to anger, or did that spirit turn TO anger? The latter seems more likely, but it isn't the case. I get what you mean though... hitting puberty, the teen angst set in. I don't think the line comes across that way though. It could be clearer.

Craving your love was too much,
for my infant heart to hope for.
That empty space open to you,
if only you'd not shut the door.

This is the only aspect of the poem that I strongly did not like. That second line made me cringe so badly! First, ending a sentence with a preposition generally means poor sentence structure. Beginning AND ending the line with that same preposition? That is blasphemous in my book. If you take nothing else from the review, I strongly recommend revising that line. The meaning works, and you have some strong word choice in this stanza. That "for...for." line just kills it. I know... such a minor thing. Those minor things just mean that the poem could be more polished.

The flow is a beat or so off here and there. I might set the poem aside for a few months and then read it aloud. Any time I stumbled over the words, I'd revise. That seems to be a reasonable way to do it because, if you know what it says, you'll have less trouble reading it than someone who has no idea what it says.

Overall, this is a lovely piece. You have some really amazing, strong moments throughout. Again, I really really love those last two lines of the third stanza. I keep going back to them over and over. *Laugh* Anyway, there are some things that could use revision, but I think that the poem is with the effort. Thanks for entering and good luck with the contest! *Smile*

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397
397
Review of The Diary  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Ken! I'm helping out with the judging for the "Invalid Item"  contest and thought I'd give you a quick review. *Smile*

Things I Like:

The refrain is perfect for this form. It is extremely versatile. I knew the moment I read it that the line would work very well as a final line, and that you had lots of options for progression. I especially like its use in the third stanza.

I love the idea of this ruined book being a diary. Clever and unlike any other entry, which is always a plus. Diaries bring to mind all sorts of emotional connections for people. It was a good choice.

You have oodles of strong lines in this piece. "A childish scrawl of joys and pains" is a particular favorite of mine.

The final stanza has a beautiful flow and also adds some dramatic imagery to the piece. "Drama" is really the best term for it. The stanza is very visual with a strong emotional draw. It's like the final moments of a movie.

Observations & Suggestions:

I have no complaints about the piece. There is still room for smoothing out a phrase here and there if you chose to do so, but it is quite good right now. The "childish scrawl... of teenage hopes", for instance, is a bit odd. I think most teenage girls have moved beyond the "childish scrawl". If, say, the childish scrawl had happened in the second stanza, the subject would shift from 'young girl' to 'childish scrawl' to 'teenage hopes'. A fitting progression that would add a layer of meaning to the final stanza as well. Now, I'm not suggesting that you try to rewrite this entire poem for that, but it is one example of something that could be tweaked if you chose to continue playing with the piece.

Overall, I think it's awesome. *Laugh* Great entry, love. To be honest, this is my favorite from you, and as I judge often, I've read quite a few by now. *Wink* It isn't as perfect as perfect can be, but it is great packaging for the strongest meaning. Know what I mean? It speaks to me. Good luck with the contest! *Smile*

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398
398
Review of The Final Word  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi! I'm a judge for this round of the "Invalid Item"  contest, and I thought that you might appreciate a little feedback on your entry. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like your refrain here. There is no need to have a comma after "unfolds" though. *Wink*

You have some moments of really strong word choice going on in here. Haunted, narrating, mocked, muted... these are just a few that I think worked quite well.

Observations & Suggestions:

Using "old" in the 4 times in the first 3 stanzas was far too much for me. Considering that it rhymes with the refrain, it made the overuse that much more blatant for me. It's a cute idea, but I don't think it works well. "Old street" "old feet" "old street" "old forlorn tale"? And the "tale" is a repetition as well. I might add that "old forlorn tale" is not nearly as strong as "haunted tales". Basically, I just think that repetition needs to be precise and strong. Otherwise, it gets monotonous.

Talking about the feet, the old street, and using the refrain in the first and second stanzas: this combined to make me feel like I was reading the exact same thing again. I might revise a little. The second stanza does have a few shining moments though, namely, 'well-meaning feet... clueless in the wake of the storm'. That is some of the best writing in the piece. In the first stanza, "mindful of the haunted tales" is a very strong line as well. I would try to keep the strongest parts of both stanzas and tweak what's left so that there is some progression between the two. Right now, the second stanza isn't moving the poem along.

It is "well-meaning" by the way. It's a compound adjective. *Smile*

"dreaded by now, by" is a bit awkward. My tongue did not like saying 'by now by'.

"and some hope" / "and so" this could provide some nice assonance, but it didn't work well for me. It, again, sounded like a repeat rather than a similarity.

I like the meaning of the last stanza too, by the way.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece that has some great moments. The word repetition, whether purposeful or accidental, dragged the poem down for me. The writing itself could have been a bit more dynamic. Still, it is a nice entry. *Smile* Good luck with the contest.


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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Aundria! As you are well-aware (*Wink*), I'm a judge for this round of the "Invalid Item"  and thought you'd want some feedback on your poem.

Some things I Like:

There are some beautiful lines in this piece. Some favorites:

"Imprisoned letters trapped in time,
cry of the joy and misery."

I absolutely love this. It's amazing. No need for the comma in there though. Grammatically, you just separated the subject from the predicate with a comma. Even as a pause, it doesn't sound quite right. Still, gorgeous set of lines.

"silent voices on faded page" I love this as well. It sounds like something I'd write actually... so why wouldn't I love it? *Laugh* Seriously though, it's lovely.

The refrain is quite strong as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some flow issues in here. These are the lines that tripped me up:

"Frozen lives and lost history" - My tongue did not want to say this. It tripped me up. Seems about a beat too long to me too. The syllable count is right, but we both know that doesn't always ensure a smooth flow.

"Crumbled leaves and cracked leather spine" - The rhythm here threw me as well... right around the phrase 'cracked leather'.

"History's memories now in a cage" - a bit awkward. I think it is mostly the two three syllable words in a row. They take so long to say that it threw off my rhythm a bit.

The first two lines are nice, but I expected them to be a sentence. So.. I was confused for a moment. In general, the second two lines far outshine the first two. Not an issue really, but I thought I'd mention it.

The second stanza is actually stronger than the others, in my opinion. Preferably, the intro or conclusion (or both) would be the real stunners. At any rate, at least you have a gorgeous stanza in there! It is the only one that had super smooth flow, but the word choice and meaning are also the strongest for me.

The weakest for me was the final stanza. It didn't stick with me. I read the poem a number of times, and even as I review it, I kept having to go back and see how it ended again. It didn't have much resonance or power for me I guess. Nice phrasing, but the other stanzas had more emotional pull.

Overall, I like the poem. I think you have some brilliant moments. Your word choice throughout is strong but not overly flashy. The sentiment is lovely. Smoothing out those few areas would be an improvement I think, but it is a solid entry. Good luck with the contest, love! *Smile*

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400
Review of Empty Pages  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm one of the judges for this round of the "Invalid Item"  contest. I thought that you might like some feedback on your entry. *Smile*

Things I Like:

You have some really awesome ideas in this piece. My favorites:

"my tears seep / between the letters on this page" is a nice personification, but you still remind readers that you're talking about a book. I appreciate that the tears "seep" rather than roll or run or streak. It makes sense for liquid to seep into pages, after all. Very nicely done.

"The leaves crunch between my pages / leaving scars no one wants to read" is another really nice idea. It would make even more sense if it was "no one can read" because a scarred page might be unreadable, and it could also refer to the sort of mental scars neglect can cause. Of course, it would drop the line to 7 syllables though. Just an idea. Anyway, love the idea here. *Smile*

I actually personified a book just recently in a short story, so I can really appreciate what you did here.

Observations & Suggestions:

Some of your word choices in here are a bit on the repetitive side. For instance, you use pages/page in three of the four stanzas. Books have lots of other elements that could be damages... the binding or spine. There are a few synonyms for page as well. The third time you used it, the effect wasn't very strong because I'd heard it twice before. Know what I mean? I still like the lines, but they lacked a bit of oomph.

Also on the repetition topic: "Here I am," and "Left to rot here". When I read that left to rot "here", I thought in my head, "I get it. You're here". Used within the phrase "here I am", it adds some meaning to the poem. "Left to rot here" adds no meaning. Where else would it rot? "Left to rot... over there"? I'd remove it and use that extra syllable to add a spicy word. *Wink* That line could use a bit of zest. Not too much, as the next line is packed with heavy, strong words... just a little tweak.

"Pick my up, and drop me again" seemed like a weird, sarcastic thing to say... a bit out of character for the narrator. The rest is pained and forlorn, but it wasn't a "go ahead and abuse me" tone.

I think the refrain is simple and reminds readers of the narrator being a book, but it doesn't conjure much emotion. That isn't a problem anywhere but the final stanza. It is the last line. Last lines are your last chance to shine, and an emotional refrain would have resonated once the poem ended. Not a major complaint... just an observation.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It could use a little bit of polish, particularly in the punctuation department. This is in complete sentences, so it should be punctuated just like you would for a story. You might want to take a look at some of the other areas I mentioned too. Overall, it is a pleasant read though! *Smile* Good luck with the contest!

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