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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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351
351
Review of STARMAN  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" .
Thanks so much for entering!


Some things I Like:

This is a cool idea for a character, and the intro was a clever sort of hook.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some weird grammar issues in here that made reading the piece more difficult than it needed to be. Using fragments and such is fitting for a narrative, but it can cause problems if not done very well. For instance, I had to read "When I got the news [...] I still love you," I was completely confused because of the way you used the fragments. I had to read it four or five times to make sense of it. It is something to watch out for in a piece like this.

This piece is so short that the details didn't seem to gel. There are biographical details that don't seem to fit with the 'story' of his wife dying. I didn't really care that she was dead because the love story aspect did not move me. The details also seemed sort of random as far as the order goes, hopping around.

Honestly, I think that the interview idea is super clever, but it could use some polish and a bit more information to make the piece seem cohesive.

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352
Review of My name is Nate  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" .
Thanks so much for entering!


Some things I Like:

Super cute idea here! At first, I thought this was going to be another muse-as-a-character type of piece. Pleased to see that you went a different route with it.

Observations & Suggestions:

As I was reading, I kept thinking of cartoonists. Perhaps because of the same clothes every day and the way you describes the shrubs. In my mind, I saw a comic strip character. I have the feeling that you may have intended it to be a written character-- perhaps a children's book or something? Anyway, a written character is mover 'clever', but I love the comic strip visuals.

There are tons of great details in here too, though the character voice is sort of boring at times (not very emotive). I do wish that it had been a bit longer, as it would have been awesome to have some time to wonder and ponder and allow the pieces to slip into place. *Smile*

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353
353
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" .
Thanks so much for entering!


Some things I Like:

This is what a well-crafted story looks like. The intro held a real hook. The casual mention of the clip was the first "Oh!" moment, when I realized what his father was approving of... though I had not even wondered why. I was immediately sucked into the story. When the trigger jerked, I was quite surprised at the result. I am rarely surprised.

Observations & Suggestions:

To be honest, the rest of the piece is good with quirky details and interesting character development, but it is difficult to top that intro. Excellent.

There are probably some nit-picky things that I could say about this, but I really really like it as it is right now. Great character piece... strong voice... very well organized and complete feeling. I dig it. *Thumbsup*

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354
354
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" .
Thanks so much for entering!


Some things I Like:

Interesting idea... writing a characterization of someone with amnesia. There is a nice amount of mystery here as well. What will happen when she figures it out? Will she like the person she finds?

Observations & Suggestions:

Cute as the idea is, the piece drags at times. The internal dialogue was slightly stiff, and there are some grammar issues here and there. The oodles of questions felt a bit droning after a while too. The pacing could have been a bit smoother in general.

I'm not sure that the character ever became really full for me. It started as devoid of character, which lasted for some time. The voice never really changed as he discovered who he was. Somehow, it did not all click for me in the end. The idea is quite clever for this type of narrative story though... quite creative!

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355
355
Review of I Am Jill  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" .
Thanks so much for entering!


Some things I Like:

You packed a whole lot of character info into a very short word count. That most defintely counts for something. The writing itself was also very clear and clean.

Observations & Suggestions:

There were lots of details here, but there wasn't a strong character voice. It was sort of matter-of-fact. The "story" aspect all falls into a single paragraph, and that story felt a little bit rushed to me.

This is the makings of a good character, but nothing was really done with her, if that makes sense? A bit more depth-- maybe some emotive language to give voice to the character-- would be great. Working out some way to incorporate the love story (which is the closest to a plot there is here) into the beginning would make it feel more cohesive as well. It is a fine start though!

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356
356
Review of Wanted  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" .
Thanks so much for entering!


Some things I Like:

This was an interesting read. I like the general setup here... crazy dude being interrogated. That is the makings of a fun story.

Observations & Suggestions:

For the contest, the piece is supposed to be in the character's own voice. It was for half the story, but then it switched POVs and ended up using "Peter" rather than "I". That confused me quite a bit at first, to be honest.

In general, I don't think that the detective was the stronger character of the two either. The voice wasn't super unique for him, and there was so much focus on the criminal that is sort of negated Peter's importance.

I do like the story, but it could use an edit, particularly for that POV switch.

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357
357
Review of Crumbling World  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Things I Like:

I love the idea expressed in this poem. It is a poetic notion. You used lots of strong word choice throughout, which is preferable. The flow was quite good for the most part as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

You didn't do much with the line breaks. They were rather predictable for the most part and didn't add much to the poem. It is a lost opportunity, as line breaks can add power to your words. I might consider breaking them in less obvious places to draw more attention to the words that are the most important.

The first line is nice, but the passive voice isn't super strong. "Is crumbling" is passive, while "crumbles" is active. "My world crumbles / falling apart / piece by piece..." sounds much better to my ear as well.

There could be more active verbs in general. A few examples:

"The pieces were..."
"The falling pieces got..."
"The pieces that fell were..."

Rather than say 'the pieces were', you could say something like, "At first, I could mend the large pieces" (though obviously, not this line exactly). There is nothing wrong with working first person into a poem, even if it isn't about you specifically.

In the second, "got" is not the proper word for the line. It is a slang. "Got" means 'receive' generally, and here, you mean 'became'. Poetry is all about making the most of language, so I would use 'became' or another verb that actually means 'become smaller'... whither or shrivel or any number of others.

Now, the examples I just gave also bring me to the next thing that you might want to think about here... the use of "piece" and "pieces" was a bit overbearing and repetitive. I'd consider using synonyms or even a simple "they" once. The use was very obvious after "piece by piece".

Some general editing and line tightening might serve you well too. There are some wordy phrases in there that could be more concise. "The only thing left to do was to sweep them up and dump them into a dust bin", for instance, is much longer than needed to convey the meaning.

"The only remaining option" for instance, is 4 words to your 6 for "The only thing left to do". Just a little tightening here and there can make the ideas really stand out clearly.

Overall, I think that metaphor is an interesting one, and you have some nice moments. The quirky details (duct tape!) also make for an engaging read. There is some polishing left to do if you decide that you'd like to revise, but it was a pretty nice read. *Smile*

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358
Review of Until  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Things I Like:

Very short, sweet, and to the point... I think that short poems can be more powerful than long pieces, so I appreciate the conciseness. This poem has a lovely sentiment. The last two lines are particularly sweet. The rhymes don't seem forced. The flow is pretty good for the most part as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are times when the connections between lines are not very clear. In part, this may be because you used only commas with no periods to show where one thought ends and another begins. A few examples:

"A warming scent of days now gone,
Wind brings peace, far from one,"

I expected to hear more about what kind of scent it was, and when I saw the word 'wind', I figured it would be how the scent was delivered. There is no connection between the lines at all. A period after 'gone' would have made the end of the thought clear, and I would not have had to reread to figure out what happened.

"Just as tides, that rise and bend,
I lost a season, I lost a friend,"

Again, I was confused by what the first line had to do with the next. How is losing a season 'just as tides', which are like clockwork? How is losing a friend like tides or rising and bending? The ideas are interesting, but a little bit of elaboration to tie them together would be helpful.

There is also no common thread running throughout the piece... there is the tide and wind... and no other nature to speak of. That makes the nature moments seem like they aren't super consistent or cohesive. Something to think about if you revise, perhaps?

Overall, I think that this poem has a very nice sentiment, particularly at the end. The message is quite nice. The delivery could be a little bit more polished and cohesive, and sentence-style punctuation could help readability. Still, it is a nice little poem that has some emotional pull. *Smile* Thanks for entering, and I wish you luck in the contest!


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359
359
Review of Settle Down  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Things I Like:

The narrative here is crystal clear, but my favorite part of the poem is the opening line. It serves as a nice hook, and I love the visual of stars in a white sky... like an almost invisible set of sparkles. It is a really cool sort of image, particularly for a poem about a relationship.

Observations & Suggestions:

Aside from the first line of the poem, there is no imagery at all in this piece. I was surprised, to be honest. It also left me wondering what the stars against the white sky had to do with the rest of the poem. I would consider using the sky as a metaphor throughout. It would be more cohesive, could add more imagery to spice up the poem, and give you another reason to use emotive and strong word choice.

The rhymes get a little rhymey-rhyme for my taste. Particularly 'things/stings'. I prefer the slant rhymes... like 'goals/go' and 'fighting/dying'. They sound less Dr. Seuss I guess.

"But it's nice to just be 'us' than 'me' and 'you'" This is the most awkward line in the poem for me. It's bulky for what it actually says, the caps with quotations is overkill (I'd perhaps just use italics or something), and the "than" doesn't make much sense without a "rather" in there someplace. All together, it could use some work.

The writing could be cleaned up a bit in general. It is a conversational tone, but that doesn't mean that it can't have some interesting word choice here and there... and use proper grammar as well. I'm a sucker for strong word choice and emotive language, and this poem lacks both. It didn't entice me or make me feel anything, and it absolutely could have. As for the grammar, there are some simple fixes here and there that could make a big difference overall... for instance, "I always will be reaching" rather than "I will always be reaching", which is a split infinitive.

Overall, I think this is a nice draft that has some promise. The first line sucked me into the piece, but it left me dangling there. It was the only really interesting or intriguing aspect of the poem. I would strongly consider carrying on with that imagery and/or metaphor... it would add some real character to the piece. *Smile* Thanks for entering, and I hope to see more of your work in later rounds!


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360
360
Review of What a Life!  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

Some things I Like:

Hello again, love! *Wink* This is a cute poem, and it is also very brief considering how much story you packed in there. Particularly the conciseness of the final stanza, in which you take a big leap. It is still perfectly understandable to the reader.

Observations & Suggestions:

The -ing adds to the cutesy factor, but I was a little "over it" by the last stanza, if I'm honest. It also doesn't work as a rhyme most of the time. For example:

Ringing, singing, bringing are all present in the first stanza, and they rhyme. The last word though, "smiling" does not really rhyme with the others. After the first stanza, you don't have any other real rhymes, though "finding / whining" are slant rhymes. It isn't an issue really, but the first time (in the first stanza), it was a little jarring.

"ending up in finding" is a bit on the awkward side. I'd consider reworking it. If the line before it wasn't quite so long, I'd suggest a simple "until finding"... but that wouldn't flow super well. Still, I'd toy with the line. The 'ending' is the '-ing' that broke the camel's back for me. I had my fill of the '-ing' already. *Wink*

I thought that "yield secret switching" was a bit weird. The meaning works super well, but I'm not sure about the "switching", as the reader doesn't know at that point who or what is being switched. I might consider a different word there... 'cheating' seems most obvious, but there are many that would work.

Overall, this is a cute little piece. The transition from the wedding to the final stanza was pretty smooth, and in general, I think the poem works. The '-ing' got a bit old for me and affected my enjoyment, and there are just a few areas that could be addressed if you decide to revise. *Smile*


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361
361
Review of I Stalk the Night  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! *Smile* I'm judging "Invalid Item"  for Round 65 and thought I should give everyone some quick feedback on their synchronicity poems!

Things I Like:

Kudos for working 'indiscriminate' into the piece without making the line super awkward! I think the narrator voice is pretty cold and calculating, which is very fitting.

There are some nice moments here and there as well... like the "desire / pleasure" lines. The "for small moments I feel content" stanza is quite nice as well.

I also like the perspective change at the end. It was well done.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some awkward lines here and there.

For instance, "fear, pain, and death, which becomes me" is a little odd. My first reaction was that these three things "become me" as in, transform... which would make the tense wrong for 'becomes'. But then it occurred to me on the 4th read that you may have meant 'becomes' as in 'it suits me'. The fact that I naturally leaned toward the one that looks like a grammatical error makes me think that others my do the same. I'd consider revising.

This is just one of the odd lines that didn't sound quite right to me.

The 'snatching' line seems a bit disconnected from the stanza. It reads as though the victims are snatching for some reason. I might take a look at that.

Overall, I like the piece. The flow has odd moments here and there, what with all the commas... and there are some slightly awkward phrases here and there. I really appreciate the narrative though, complete with unique voice and intriguing story. Nice word choice for the most part too. Thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest!


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362
362
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Congratulations on being in "The WDC Angel Army"  Port Raid Author for November! I'm doing this review for the Angel Army as well as "a very Wodehouse challenge" . *Smile*

Some things I Like:

Hi, Ann! I came to your port intending to review a poem, as I have reviewed quite a few in the past and love that you have yours set to review-only. It takes all the pressure off if I don't have to concern myself with coming up with a rating. Just feedback... I love that!

Then, I saw this folder and decided to give it a review because I appreciate that you share your experiences with people here. I imagine that your articles, editorials, and short stories have helped many younger members who are very much in the closet. It may be quite uplifting to read positive messages from someone, even a stranger.

Observations & Suggestions:

I have no suggestions... just keep writing and doing what you do, love. It is appreciated! *Heart*

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363
363
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations on being in "The WDC Angel Army"  Port Raid Author for November! I'm doing this review for the Angel Army as well as "a very Wodehouse challenge" . *Smile*

Some things I Like:

People rarely seem to review folders, but they look super naked without ratings. So... here we go! *Laugh* I figured that I might as well give it a quickie review and rating, since it is right at the top of your port and looked naked.

You have lots of poetry in here... lots of different styles and some lovely pieces in general. The order of the poems is, well, all over the place, but who cares? WDC seems to automatically throw poems in a rather random order in folders, and who has time to rank them all? I know I sure don't. *Wink*

Observations & Suggestions:

I guess if you wanted to, you could always write a little something about your poetry philosophy or something in the body of the folder. If you got bored sometime, that is. It is just fine without it.


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364
364
Review of Jet versus jays  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Things I Like:

This piece has great energy. The short, choppy lines, the haphazard stanza structures, and the topic all lend themselves toward a fast, fun type of piece.

The rhymes could have been silly, as they are solid "rhymey rhyme" type rhymes, but they actually work well and increased the cute factor, which is endearing.

On a side note, the title is cute. *Wink*

Observations & Suggestions:

"just so that they take off" was awkward for me on the first read. It's cute, and I liked it once I understood what it meant. At first though, "just so that they" read like total gibberish to me. I would recommend tweaking it.

"those that tweet or hoot" -- the "that" here seemed strange to me, though "who" might create the image of hooting & tweeting pilots or something. *Laugh* Not sure what revision would make this smoother, but you might think of one.

The piece should have punctuation. There are many many MANY awkward moments in here because there are no commas and periods to guide the reader. It made the entire poem much more difficult to read than it needed to be. Moments like "Ah to fly" require either an exclamation point or comma to tell the reader how emphatic it should be. In short, it matters greatly for a piece like this. Strongly recommended.

Having a footnote in the poem to explain a meaning means that the line is ineffective. Not only that, but the line has nothing to do with the other line in the stanza. A simple tweak could work there... something that means, essentially, "Yay for taloned mid-air duels" would work much much better.

The flow is a bit rocky here and there. "Ah I so wish to fly just / like a jay or jackdaw" is one example. The lines do not flow easily at all.

One more example: "Way to 'em stars" (not the ONE apostrophe for 'em) throws off the flow considerably as well, and it is slightly awkward in general, though that is neither here nor there. I might consider setting the poem aside for a few months and then reading it aloud. If you stumble, there is a good chance that the flow is off.

Overall, I think the piece has enough of an energetic vibe to carry a person from beginning to end, but it could be a much smoother ride. The flow and lack of punctuation are the biggest issues for me, as they decreased my enjoyment. Still, it has some nice ideas. It just need a little polish. *Smile* Good luck in the contest, and I hope you enter again!

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365
365
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! *Smile* I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I try to provide each entry with some feedback. This review is for your benefit only and does not necessarily have implications for placement in the contest, as it is not a comparison with any other entry.

With NaNo going on this month, this may be a short review. *Wink*

Things I Like:

The verb usage has more impact for me than any other aspect of the poem. Strong action keeps this piece from becoming just another boring nature-imagery poem. Danced, meandered, whistle, raged... they hooked me.

The rhymes are actually quite good here, which is a plus. Not everyone can rhyme without it sounding belabored (myself included).

The rhythm and flow are smooth as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are a few areas that could be improved here. In no particular order, here are some of my thoughts:

"But as September meandered by" -- I think that perhaps "through" would be a better word choice than "by" here, as the latter implies that it passed... as in, "after it was gone".

"Wind did whistle" -- nice alliteration and assonance here. I also like the following line.

The adverb use in the first stanza drives me a little nuts. Gracefully/brightly is too much -ly for me. It doesn't sound pleasant. I might consider reworking the first line to use "grace" instead of the adverb. Something like "Summer danced with subtle grace" would work quite well. Just an example, but you're welcome to use it if you like.

I would strongly consider punctuating this poem. The first two lines are slightly awkward without a comma, and there are other areas with similar issues. Punctuation is important, as running lines together can change meanings.

"Summer fought / bravely pushing", for instance, could mean that it fought bravely, which seems likely despite the line break OR it bravely pushed, which is sort of silly sounding and child-like. How are people most likely to interpret it? I would guess "bravely pushed"... which, for me, brings to mind a child pushing a bully. It is a fitting sort of image in a way, but it is a far cry from a raging battle. This is just once instance in which proper punctuation would make a huge difference.

I think that the word "Summer" is overused here. 6 uses in only 4 stanzas? To me, that says that something could have been more concise. By the time I got to the third stanza, I was already sick of that word, and you promptly used it four more times. I know that this poem is a personification of Summer, but there are ways to avoid overusing it.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. The narrative is cute rather than intriguing or powerful for me, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. You have some lovely lines throughout. It needs a thorough revision for grammar and punctuation, which would improve readability immensely. Still, it is a pretty well crafted poem. *Smile* Good luck in the contest!

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366
366
Review of Dusk  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello, again! Your name looked familiar, so I assumed that I had reviewed you before. I looked through my recent reviews and sure enough! I reviewed "Starlit Scars" a while ago. Lost of promise as I recall, so I'm back! *Wink*

Things I Like:

I like the general idea here. Dusk is such an odd time of day when things don't look quite right. I wanted to give it a read based on the title.

The flow is pretty good for the most part. I like lots of your word choice in this piece as well. I always appreciate strong words-- ridden, blanket, flutters, dwindle, paves. They all have a very distinct feel to them.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first stanza makes sense and is cohesive on its own. I might cut "those" from the last line, as 1. there have been no people or eyes prior to this (grammatically, "those" refers to something that the reader is aware of) and 2. it flows better without it for me.

The second stanza is much rougher. First of all, the song came out of nowhere and has nothing to do with the first stanza at all. I like the lines for the most part, but they seem out of place. The petals also came out of nowhere, and how does the music "let the petals dwindle"? Unless these are 'petals of music' (weird) then this is a separate thought that doesn't have any real connection to the music that flutters and echoes.

There are also two lines here that seem to have words tacked on the end... to the detriment of the line:

"And echoes in the distance away
Letting the petals dwindle in"

The 'distance away'? That is super awkward. There is no other word for it. That word throws off the flow and does not work in general. It rhymes, but that is all it has going for it.

"petals dwindle in" has the same type of issue. The "in" confused me when I first read it because it just seemed like a strange line break. After reading the next line, it makes even less sense.

"petals dwindle in / moonlight paves"? I thought, okay... they dwindle in the moonlight... but 'moonlight paves' makes that completely awkward as well. This is where punctuation would be hugely helpful. I don't know what you're trying to say here, which makes it harder to suggest something.

Maybe you just mean "dwindles inward"? If so, that is just as awkward really. Dwindle implies getting smaller... shrinking. Given that these are petals at dusk, that would be the buds closing. We don't need the "in" for anything but the rhyme. I would strongly consider revising and finding a better way to keep your rhyme scheme than ending with "away" and "in".

The final line is pretty too, but it doesn't make much sense. Moonlight paves what throughout the day? It doesn't pave petals or echoes or wind or songs-- at least not in a way that makes sense to me. And those are the only things in the stanza that it could be talking about. Also, does moonlight really do anything at all throughout the day? No... it's on the other side of the planet. So in general, I like the sound of the line, but the meaning just... isn't there.

Overall, I really do think that you have an amazing way with words. You can turn a phrase that is very beautiful. That is evident in this poem as well as the other poem that I read. The rhymes in that last stanza or some of the more forced that I've seen, so perhaps the heavy abab cdcd rhyme scheme isn't your best option. Something to think about anyway. I would be interested to see what you would do with unrhymed free verse. Without the need to use end rhymes or make the line structure fit those rhymes, I bet that you could write something stunning. Anyway, this poem can be excellent with a little TLC to make it cohesive and clarify your meanings. It is always worth the effort for a poem that has beautiful word choice, as this one definitely does.

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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope that you enjoy your time here!

Things I Like:

You have some great lines and phrases in this poem. Some favorites:

"grubby hearts"
"bundles of cassettes that hoard music"
"pollution has subsided"

In general, I like the topic and where you took it. I think that most people can relate to it in some way.

The flow is good most of the time as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The opening line doesn't have much hook. The idea is interesting, but there is a slight awkwardness to it. I might consider changing "falling" to something a little less expected, a word that will make people think "Woah!" and keep reading.

I like the first stanza. There's some nice imagery in there. I did have a pretty major issue with one line though:

"shriek to the sound of a robust mind"

What in the world does a "robust mind" sound like? That is either faulty grammar or a typo or just incomprehensible to me. *Laugh*

There is a fair bit of padding a bulky phrasing in this piece. "I walk away from the grave" means the same thing as "I walk from the grave". How do they differ? Similarly, the "Now I see life" and "Now I can cope" -- using "now" once places everything after it in the present, so there is no need to say it again.

"barely lit room" --- why not just one word that MEANS 'barely lit'? Dim maybe?
"That horde the music I love" ---- "That horde music I love"... same thing really.
"And I sort through the bundles" --- You can remove "the" here as well. AND this makes it sound as though you had already mentioned the cassettes, and you hadn't.

These are just a few examples. If a small, insignificant word won't change the meaning, why not remove it so that the reader can focus on the more important words and phrases? I tend to love concise writing.

The last stanza is a huge departure from the first two. There is no imagery whatsoever, while the other two are packed with it. The ideas are good, but there was nothing memorable about that last stanza for me. The first two have memorable moments and really interesting lines... there's nothing resonant about the third.

Overall, I think that this is a nice piece of writing. It definitely has some strengths. I think that it could be a smoother read-- just removing some of the words and phrases that don't add meaning would be helpful. I don't know what there is to do with that last stanza really, but I didn't find it as effective as the rest. Maybe others will get more from it though. Maybe more emotive language there would help (i.e. "begin, was, see, read, can"--- spice up some of those verbs so that there is some punch maybe). Still, this is decent as it is. With a little polish, it could be excellent though!

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Review of Thick as Thieves  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you have enjoyed your time so far!

Things I Like:

This poem caught my eye mostly because of the title. I wasn't expecting it to be about actual thieves until I read the description, which is interesting.

I think the first line and last line are the strongest in the piece. That is ideal. Start with a solid hook, and end with a memorable line. Always a good choice.

I think the rhyme scheme works well here. "Gold/souls" and "cold/toll" are slant rhymes themselves. Quite good.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, a comment: I'm curious as to what era this is supposed to be from...? The language is not terribly archaic, so I would guess 1800 or newer? If you were going for something older sounding, you need some more archaic language in the piece. *Smile*

The lack of proper punctuation threw me a little. The exclamation point after 'spit' would not look so odd with proper sentence structure. This is in complete sentences, so there is no reason at all to have no caps or punctuation. The caps in the second stanza are decidedly weird considering the lack of caps in the first stanza too, by the way.

"stole gold" is a phrase that my tongue hates to say. It just refused to spit out these two words together. "Stole souls" came easier, but every time I read it, my mind or tongue changes it to "stolen". I would probably just go with "stolen" to be honest. This is the only attempt at making the thieves sound uneducated, so it doesn't ring true anyway.

On a side note, I expected the piece to be in meter, which would really make it sound like a chant. If it is supposed to be really old, it would have fallen in meter anyway, most likely. Not an issue... just an observation.

Overall, I think the piece is alright at the moment. It has its strong moments. The lack of punctuation and capital letters made it far more difficult to read. The 'stole' is not convincing for me, as these thieves have wonderful vocabularies otherwise, and it also threw off my flow when reading (there are a few other minor flow issues, but nothing that couldn't be sung through). In general though, I think this piece has lots of promise. It just needs some polish.

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369
Review of Home  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* This is part of a review package purchased by Alexi from "Invalid Item" .

Things I Like:

This poem is very conversational, but there is a wistful and pleading quality to your words. It is not easy to be both conversational and emotive at the same time. Very nice.

I can relate to the piece, as I'm sure others will. I remember being worried when I was young that I would get stuck in my hometown like so many others had. It is a common fear that many people feel or have felt at some point in their lives. Having a topic that will immediately connect people to your poem is helpful.

Observations & Suggestions:

The flow isn't very smooth at times. The "It scares me" line is particularly awkward-- not because of its length but how it flows with the lines before and after it. If you read the poem aloud, you will probably hear for yourself that it isn't a smooth transition. If not, you may want to set the poem aside for a few months and then read it aloud. If you stumble over the words, the flow is probably off a beat or two (or more).

On a side note here, I love the "It scares me" line. *Laugh* It has a ring of truth to it. There are more concise ways to say the same thing though. For example: "It scares me that people never roam" or "I'm scared of the depths of people's roots". They mean the same general thing... I'm scared that other people don't travel. I'm not suggesting that you use these. They do not fit your rhyme scheme and are't necessarily poetic. Just giving examples of how you might keep the meaning but make it more concise.

The opening lines set up the poem well, but they don't really serve as a hook. They didn't make me feel like I really had to keep reading. It isn't a huge problem, but a hook might serve you well. People will relate to the lines, but they won't make someone feel anything.

"I've seen lots of different faces" doesn't relate much to the next line, so connecting them with "but" doesn't work from a grammar standpoint. I would consider revising this line. If you had, say, 'grown tired of all the same faces', then it would relate to the next line. Just an example.

Aside from that exceptionally long line in the second stanza, the rest is written simply, but it is quite lovely in its way.

The final stanza is, again, something that most people would relate to... but it isn't integrated into the rest of the poem. It is not as though you talked about the dullness of being home and then ended with the "it's still home" type of message. Do you see what I mean? It could be more cohesive somehow with the rest of the poem, but it is nice on its own. Though rhyming "of" and "love" did not work well for me.

Overall, I think this is a really sweet little poem. I think that it needs lots of work to smooth out the flow and make it a cohesive piece that progresses from beginning to end, but it is a fine rough draft... a good base to work with. It could use some polish, but it has promise so I do hope that you don't get discouraged. We all need to revise our poetry to make it as effective as it can be, and this can be effective. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating as needed. *Smile*

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Review of Stained Hope  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again, Alexis! Here is your second for the "Invalid Item"  package you won! Since I chose an older poem last time, I thought that I should go with a new one here. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

You mixed your line lengths very well here. Mixing really long lines with very short lines with no mid-length lines... it can be tricky. This is not awkward at all and flows well.

The piece is very emotive. The emotion comes through here quite well. The second stanza is the most powerful from an emotional standpoint for me. To be honest, it screams 'frustration' to me. Not sure if that was the intention, but it is strong.

This, by the way, is a much better example of a poem that does not need punctuation. It is loose in flow, the smaller lines can and do relate to both longer sentences here and there (overlaps in meaning)... it is a clear case for no punctuation. *Thumbsup*

Observations & Suggestions:

"Mental beating tears" -- Love the 'mental beating' here. It's a great phrase. That said, there are no cues for the reader as to whether 'tears' is supposed to be crying 'tears' or rips and 'tears'. That bothered me at first. No suggestion for change... just thought I would mention it.

"My flesh is all a tingle" -- Minor but important here... your flesh is not one tingle. *Laugh* The word is "atingle"... one word. My browser spellcheck hates it, but I promise you that it is a word AND is the word you want.

So, the time and description here drives me sort of crazy. It all seems to be in the present, but there is progression in the description:

"Today my gown is white"
"Now not so new a smudge"
"Tonight my gown is red"

Yeah, this is confusing. I would consider staggering these time frames so that they will make more sense to the reader. I do love the progression of the gown... excellent. But that time frame is all kinds of ineffective.

Similarly, I was turned off by the first stanza's "Today my gown" and two lines later "Now not so new a smudge". Nothing happened. It felt to me like you literally said "My gown is white. Just kidding! It's black and blue". It did not work for me at all, and had I not wanted to review your most recent poem, I would have quit reading right there. That would have been a shame because the poem is actually pretty intriguing.

I love the final line "Bleeding / Dead / Poverty won". That "No one listened" lacks the power of the others. Like, who cares if no one listened when compared to bleeding and dead and poverty winning? By comparison, it sounds like a mild case of middle-child syndrome rather than a powerful type of warning. I would cut it, personally.

The internal rhyme that suddenly stops in the fourth stanza? It did not go unnoticed. If you want to use something as distinct as internal rhymes (not even slant rhymes!), then you have to keep doing it... otherwise, it looks lazy and sounds weird.

Overall, I quite like many lines in this piece. You managed to make many of the short lines resonant (like that 'and more' in the third stanza *Heart*). The piece is emotive and has intriguing phrases throughout. The aspect that really lets the poem down is the time ("Now, Now, Today, Today, Tonight") that seems to be at odds with the progression of the poem. The other things that I mentioned have easy quick fixes if you choose to do so, but I think that making the time/progression align without having to revise extensively... that would require a delicate hand. Good luck if you choose to do it! I really think the poem is worth the time though-- it is an excellent start.

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371
Review of Seagulls Hush  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Alexis! Here is one of the reviews for the package you won at "Invalid Item" . I know that this is an older piece that you haven't messed with in over a year, but the title caught my eye. Great title, and seagulls certainly sound angry to me.

Some things I Like:

You have some really strong word choice in this piece as well as some nice uses of poetic technique. My favorite lines are:

As sea spray dries on masculine skin
Masking the tears man cries in vain

'Masculine skin masking' is particularly good. It could have been too much assonance, but I think it works well.

In general, I like the premise here. I grew up near the coast, so I can certainly appreciate it.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Salt waves lapping on rippled sand"

The use of 'lapping' here suggests that you will continue talking about the waves, but you do not. I suggest "Salt waves lap". It makes the line sound smoother in my opinion as well. This is one of many places that would be much easier to read with punctuation, by the way. This piece is in complete sentences, so there is no reason to have no punctuation (it is not visually appealing, has nothing to do with line breaks or meaning overlaps, etc). It makes the piece a chore to decipher at times-- strongly recommend punctuating these sentences.

"Imprints of feet tide washed away"

This is awkward. I know what you meant by it, but the phrasing could be better here. It looks like either "feet tide" is a thing... which brings to mind stinky water just to see it. Or, the tide washed away the feet rather than the imprints. This is actually a grammatical error-- the 'washed' needs to be close to what was washed here:

"Foot imprints washed away by tide" --- this is grammatically sound and crystal clear (with no yucky foot water).

"Mornings dawn sky saw his pain"

This line made me cringe. Again... punctuation, please. This is two complete sentences crammed together on a single line with no punctuation. This was terribly jarring to me. "Mornings dawn. Sky saw his pain." I also thought it was off-putting that this rhymes with the line before because 1. it is the only end rhyme in the poem and 2. the line before it is far far superior. It looks to me like this one rhymes just to snag some of the glory from the line before it, but it doesn't work.

"Falling knees touch the wet foam"

Love the imagery here, but I think the 'falling knees' is slightly odd. People fall 'to' knees, but do the knees themselves fall? I suppose they do, but it struck me as strange somehow. No suggestion for a change, but I thought I would mention it.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece. It could be very solid with like 20-30 minutes of revision for grammar and punctuation(!), and it wouldn't take long to smooth out some phrasing in here. As it is now, it's pretty good. It could be a whole lot better with very minimal effort from you though. Might as well give it a little polish.

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Review of Starlit Scars  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

Things I Like:

You have some lovely imagery in this piece. I also like the title, though it doesn't seem to relate strongly to the poem itself. *Wink*

Usually, skittery rhyme schemes annoy me, but I find it endearing in this piece for some reason. I also quite like your use of assonance with noon/blue in the first stanza instead of the typical abcb rhyme scheme everyone seems to love so much.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some lines in here that are just odd to me. Here we go:

I think that 'star-struck' (which should be hyphenated, by the way-- compound adjective) is an awesome choice if the streams were to be actually star-struck by something. Using it to mean that the moonbeams hit the streams is a lost opportunity.

"Moonlit beams" bring to mind iron girders in a building or something. There are moonbeams... as in rays of light from the moon. And then there are beams that are moonlit... which are not rays of light from the moon. It is an odd bit of phrasing that does not mean what I think you're trying to say here.

"waiting for noon" -- why are they waiting for noon? Both the beams and streams are waiting... for what? There is no answer that I can come up with other than 'it sounds pretty'. Something like that needs a solid context... it needs to have some sort of foundation within the poem.

"just as autumn grows / and rivers wait to die" -- things die in the autumn rather than grow. And how is it that rivers 'wait to die'? These seem to have nothing to do with the type of nature you're describing. Rivers may be determined to get where they're going or carve new paths or swell with pride or any number of personifications... but waiting to die doesn't have much to do with them. See what I mean? To me, these lines mean 'just as this is nonsensical, these other things are nonsensical'.

That said, there is some connection for a sunset shedding tears... saying goodbye for another day or some such.

I love the stanza break between "lie" and "before", by the way.

"Before the dusk we must trust / The walking star dances true"

These are the types of lines that could really use some punctuation. Right now, the most reasonable meaning is:

Before it gets dark, we must trust the fact that the star dances.

I have no idea if this is what you intended, but I doubt it. I can stretch for a meaning there, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in general.

"Till" is something you do to a garden. "Til" is the shortened form of 'until'.

Punctuation is needed here too. "The walking star dances trues until the end,' makes sense. 'Until the end, we'll meet again,' does not make sense, but one would assumed that they go together in this fashion. This is where proper commas and periods can be very useful.

It is great that you carried the sky into all three stanzas, by the way. It does make the poem cohesive.

Overall, I think the idea is interesting, but the writing is a bit messy here. It really reads like it is meant to be pretty sounding, but it is light on meaning. The phrases DO sound nice, but what you're saying doesn't make sense in context here. I would consider revision. You have a way with words, it is a matter of using that way with words to really get across to readers what you mean.

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Review of Life  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hi! Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope that you get lots of feedback that helps you improve as a writer.

Things I Like:

You have some really interesting ideas and imagery in this piece.

The voice used is really unique and clear. It sounds like a very particular person speaking... like it isn't just anybody.

Observations & Suggestions:

To be honest, this is very very very difficult to read. I had to read a single sentence like 10 times just to figure out what it meant. The run-on sentences and fragments are all jammed together with very little punctuation, so it is nearly impossible to figure out what some of it means.

"Inner beauty with all the wrong doings on my conscience in my past how do I come to piece with all of that."

This is a run-on, for example, that was entirely incomprehensible to me the first few times I read it. "Inner beauty" seems utterly disconnected from "with all the wrong doings on my conscience". "in my past" seems to be an aside... as in, "on my conscience, in my past". And the rest of it is a complete sentence and question (i.e. you need a question mark).

So... This sentence only sorta makes sense even now. And I have read it many times. This is where grammar helps. I think that much of the meaning here is being lost-- in the entire piece. There is not one single grammatically correct sentence in the entire thing.

Overall, I think that you have lots of strengths as a writer. This has a real authenticity to it that's refreshing. The voice is strong. The sentence structure and grammar are genuinely a nightmare. It made reading this a bit painful when it could have been extremely enjoyable. There are grammar classes on here... if you're interested in those, I can point you in the right direction. The good news is that grammar can be learned-- just a set of rules. A way with words cannot be taught, and you are lucky enough to have that already. *Wink* Keep on writing! It will only get better!

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Review of Watching Over Us  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope that you enjoy your time here.

Things I Like:

I think that you have an interesting premise here... it isn't clear why the child is alone. Even if everyone died, why are there no others around to take care of him? It is an interesting hook.

Observations & Suggestions:

I thought the boy was a little serial killer or something. He's sorta creepy. *Blush* When it got to the 'grandparents playing at the bottom of the garden' bit, I thought for sure that he had killed them and buried them... along with the dog, an earlier experiment. They entire story lends itself very well to this idea... but that is not what you were going for. So...

I think that Rodney needs to be a bit more endearing somehow. One of the big ways to help that would be to "show not tell". I rarely give this advice to people unless it would be a huge improvement, and it would be here.

You tell us about Rodney. You tell us what he's doing. It would be more powerful if we felt it and did it with him. Writing from Rodney's point of view rather than a detached stranger's POV would help a great deal. The narrator doesn't even know how old the kid is. It's very... detached and cold, which lends itself well to the creepy serial killer kid vibe. The detached narrator could have made the loneliness deeper, but instead it made me not really care about the boy.

Additionally, I thought the boy was going to be in a foster home or something, to be honest. His dad is there but totally ignores the kid? I assumed he was living with someone who didn't really care about him and vice verse. Not an issue... just weird.

In the end, I don't know what the question was, and I don't know why he all of a sudden told his mom not to watch over him. Nothing really seemed to change. The kid is still alone. He was still talking to Rodney, which I assumed he always did, as the first words to him seemed like a casual occurrence.

A few general housekeeping things:

This piece needs a thorough grammar edit. I know that not everyone is a grammar person, but it is important and would make the story much easier to read.

Numbers 10 and less are always written out. "one... two... nine... ten... 11... 12...". The numbers in the story "1 question" and "3 houses" looked like typos at first.

Here is one example of a grammar issue that renders a sentence nearly incomprehensible... this happens once in a while throughout the story:

"In front of the largest house he sits a soldier and begins to talk to him."

This totally confused me. I thought the 'he' was supposed to be 'there' or something, as that is all that made sense to me at that moment. The boy doesn't 'sit a soldier'... he 'sets a soldier'. That makes an enormous difference. That one small word changed the entire meaning of this sentence from the boy placing a soldier to a soldier who sits.

As mentioned, these types of little things happen here and there throughout. You migtht want to set the story aside for a few months and then read it with fresh eyes. That might help you catch some of this stuff.

Overall, I think that you have a nice rough draft. It is a good skeleton to work with. Advancing the boy's character would help considerably. Changing the narrator's voice a bit would help. Making the story progress somehow would make it feel more like a story rather than a slice of life. I think that this piece would be worth the effort of revising. It shows promise! It just isn't there yet.

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375
Review of Angels  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I always try my best to provide feedback for all of the entries. Keep in mind that this is for your benefit rather than a judging tool. The review is for your piece rather than how your entry compares to the others.

Things I Like:

The flow is quite nice for the most part.

I think that some people will relate well to the topic here as well.

I also appreciate the brevity. You didn't go overboard trying to pound the idea home. You left if short enough to not feel overbearing.

Observations & Suggestions:

I thought it was weird that 'at one point in life people die' bit is a weird opening stanza. First, you're talking about angels... plural. So they don't have one 'life' let alone 'one point in life'... they have multiple lives and each has one point when they get called home. That is a grammar issue. Second, is it really during LIFE when someone dies? That seemed odd to me, but as I'm not religious, maybe I'm just reading it too literally. Perhaps someone is alive, gets the 'call' and THEN dies? I don't know, but the grammar combined with the life/death thing didn't gel with me.

"It's just that" doesn't add much to the second stanza. It's sort of filler with no really strong meaning. It's very conversational, which is okay sometimes. It wasn't super effective here though.

"not fair" struck me as slightly juvenile. I might consider "and unfair" for a more adult sounding phrase. If you want it to sound petulant (which is a fitting option), then keep the 'not fair'. I just thought I should point out what the phrase implies for me.

I like the second stanza's list... too soon, too fast, etc. The list in the third stanza was not effective at all for me. I felt like I was reading a grocery list by that point. I might try to integrate a FEW of those emotions into larger statements and drop the rest. Framing the emotion somehow might make the reader connect to the emotion you're talking about. Right now, it is a list of emotions that is not using emotive language at all.

An odd comment here: Why is there a space between words and exclamation points? When I saw it the first time, I thought it was "I". "fair!" and "mistakes!" is just fine... no spaces needed.

The poem ends with an incomplete thought.

"for when the day comes, / and he takes us, / home."

That does not work at all. Grammatically, it doesn't work because it leaves the reader waiting for something else to happen. Simplest fix:

"for when the day comes,
he takes us
Home."

That is grammatically correct. In general, you use commas and punctuation in weird ways. This is another example:

"we feel it is;
too fast,
too soon,"

There is no punctuation needed after 'it is'. The only punctuation that would make any sense is a colon (:). A semi-colon doesn't work grammatically. Grammar isn't fun, but it is necessary. Grammar can change the entire meaning of a poem... that is pretty important. *Smile*

Overall, I think this is a nice idea. As a rough draft, quite good. As a finished piece, not so much. It needs quite a bit of revision, but it is worth the effort. *Smile* Good luck in the contest!

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