Hello and good afternoon. My name is Future Mrs. B and I'll be reviewing My big dream for RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group. Please remember these are only my thoughts, feel free to take any suggestion you want.
First Impressions:
So, where does the story fall in the series from what I read the other day? Is this part II? Will this be in a collection? I think these are important questions because they will help you plan the stories forward. Also, as much as I hate to say it, but the reality for these situations that you write about in the end... it doesn't always have a happy ending. Sometimes the cops try, but they can't. Sometimes cops aren't nice either and I think they'd be suspicious to why she didn't come forward earlier. I would go from that angle and Nik's the one that helps in this situation.
Mechanics:
Suggestions are bolded. I would find a way to incorporate the bolded into the story instead of relying on parentheses or other techniques.
There was a bit of quiet for a minute, but then the Twins skated over. Hank lightly tapped me on the leg with his stick, which I returned. "Who's your favorite player?" "When I was growing up, it was Stevie. Back in 2002, when he played through the playoffs with that horrible knee injury? Up until that point, I'd always respected him. But that was when he became my biggest hero." Hank smirked. "And now?" I smiled. "Kronner. I try to play my game like him." I lifted my head and laughed at the Twins' reactions. "That doesn't mean that you guys aren't great! Kronner is just who I play like." Nik wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me tight, causing me to hug him back. -aldsfjalksdfjlaksdfjl;askdfj. I just hugged my favorite player!!- - what’s this? I would get rid of this.
"What made you want to play hockey", Hank asked, passing me the puck. I smiled and took a hard slapshot at the net, causing Nik to raise an eyebrow. I laughed and slapped a high-five with him before I turned back to Hank. "Seeing you guys win the cup. It was like magic to me. (I stop for a second to look at the banners hanging on the rafters.) Seeing those banners up there and seeing them being raised... it just was special. I loved it." Pavel smiled over at me. "It is special! It's one of the most special things in the world." I smiled back, thinking off all those times I'd watched my boys lift the cup. I can see why it was so special: it's every hockey players dream. I am no different. "Is it more special than winning a gold medal, Pav", Hank asked. I burst out as Pavel sent him a glare. Hank and Nik had won the gold medal for Sweden back in 2006, which was probably why they were teasing him about it. "Can you guys just leave him alone?! I want to play some hockey!" Hank gently tapped my leg with his stick and Nik gently squeezed my shoulder. "Sure, squirt! We can do that." I smirked and gave him two hard taps on the leg. "Good! You want to show me your best slapshot?"
This part made me laugh though: "You hit, you get hit.. sometimes you win and sometimes you lose,that's just the way it is and that's just the way it SHOULD be. Those are your own words." He raised an eyebrow at me. "Are you stalking me?!"
I burst out laughing. "Stalking you?! I don't stalk my heroes, silly! No, I saw the interview where you said that on Youtube. I've tried to relate that statement to life, too. I'm obsessed with this one celebrity and could see me doing that, totally.
Rating:
***
Final Thoughts:
Not bad, but as I suggested, it could use some work. I like your characterization; the characterization is strong, it's just unbelievable because they're too good to be true for life. Keep up the good work and write on! ~Jessica |