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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elizjohn2000
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880 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work. This was a very interesting piece. I thought it was largely very relatable--who can't relate to holiday cooking on a time crunch? Your poem elicited some strong, concrete images, so that was good, too. Additionally, I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that's always a plus.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Be good to you  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello--

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought that this was a very interesting piece of writing. Certainly, the message being shared is one that anyone can easily relate to, so this work can be appreciated by many. I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that's always a plus.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Dear Zoo Patrons  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello--

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor.

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought this piece was interesting. Certainly, it was an original POV so that was a unique element to this piece. I think, though, that it needs some more direction or focus. As a letter, it just felt kind of rambling and without any sort of purpose other than to complain. I felt like it needed something more...although I'm not sure what. Perhaps some kind of action, something to create some movement within your piece. Also, you have some phrases that are repeated verbatim. I would try to change that so that it is more readable as a bit of prose or short fiction.

In any case, these are just some suggestions. Use or discard them as you see fit. Write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Other Ways  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought this was interesting piece. Certainly, you did a good job meeting the challenge of the prompt. I think my problem with the story is that it could have used some more development. Your word count was 844; I think you could have made good work of the outstanding 156 words to smooth some transitions, and perhaps better build and express her incredulity. I know the word count is tight at 1K, but I just felt that Susan's reactions were a little abrupt. But that's just me.

One other thing: visually, your story could use some formatting. There is no spacing or indentation, and it makes it a bit difficult to read. I did not, however, see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that's a plus.

That said, please feel free to use or discard these suggestions as you see fit. You know what is best for your story.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello--

Thank you for sharing your work. I went back and check the prompt requirements and it seemed like you met the challenge of the prompt pretty well. The message was pretty simple and straightforward, and I didn't see any errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar, so that's always a plus.

The only critique I have on this piece is that there seemed to be a slight discrepancy with the form. In moving from the first to the second stanza, the first stanza ended with "how" but the second stanza did not lead with this word, unlike all the other stanzas. It could be a simple change: "How you ask?" and then you'd be set. Anyway, it's just a thought.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return.

I thought this poem was very interesting. It had some good moments, that's for sure. I think that I would tweak it just a bit in places to help the meter and the rhythm.

For example, in the third stanza, I think the second line should say something like

Dry your eyes, and view that which men do reap

It's just a little change, but I thought it might help it flow a bit better because I read it a couple of times out loud and kept stumbling over it. There were a few other places as well where you may want to read it out loud and see how well it flows. It may just be a matter of one or two word changes to make read more fluidly.

Otherwise, keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John

*Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane* Around The World Review Raid *Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Hide Away  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought that this was a very interesting piece of writing. I know you stated that you were "just beginning to dabble with poetry" so I hope you don't mind if I make a particular critique; there was one section that I thought you could omit altogether:

It was pointless from the start.
And now at the end of it all,
Do I have regrets ?
Do I wish to continue ?
Do I?

Questions are pointless.

I feel like this part kind of drags the poem down. It seemed clear to me that the person has welcomed death, so why go back and question it. Let nature and the nature of this poem take its natural course.

Otherwise, I didn't see anything else wrong with this piece of writing.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of The Answer  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello--

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought this was fun and super-cute. Very light. These types are poems are great as writing exercises (I hope that's what this is--no offense intended!) Who hasn't ever considered pizza as the source of all the answers to life's most challenging questions? LOL

In any case, the rhythm of your piece was pretty clean and tight and I did not see any errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation so that's also a plus.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John

*Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane* Around The World Review Raid *Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Midnight Sun  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought your poem was very interesting. I think most readers will appreciate the sentiment of your poem. Technically, I feel like some of the stanzas could have been a bit stronger, particularly the second and third stanzas. In the second stanza, I thought the last two lines were a bit awkward. I don't know if it is punctuation issue (maybe there needs to be a comma after "these two") but I read it several times and it didn't quite make sense to me. In the third stanza, again my issue was with the last two lines. I understood that you were trying to maintain your particular form, but the question itself seemed out-of-sync with the rest of your poem. Perhaps something like "two young aspirants for love untold" or something like that. That was just off the top of my head so it's kind of terrible, but my point was just to avoid asking a question and rather, make a statement.

In any case, please feel free to use or disregard these suggestions as you see fit.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John

*Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane* Around The World Review Raid *Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

You reviewed something of mine yesterday and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought the sentiments you espoused are very on point. I think that any reader will be able to easily relate to what you are trying to say, as there is value in trying to find calm in an otherwise chaotic world.

Technically, for me, I would like to see a little more poetry in the language. I feel like there is a lot of straight forward sentences that are telling; it has a very prose like feel. For example, I would take out "every day is" from each first line and start with "when surrounded..." I think it would help it read more like poetry and further concentrate attention on your message. Just a thought. Use or discard this suggestion as you see fit.

I did not see any errors with spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that's always a plus.

In any case, keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth JOhn

*Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane* Around The World Review Raid *Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought this was a beautiful poem, full of sorrow. My family is Haitian, so this was particularly poignant. Technically, I didn’t see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that’s good. Stylistically, I think I would change “the names speaks” to “it speaks” as a reference to the island as a whole. I feel like “the names” are kind of removed from the island itself. But that’s just me. Use this suggestion as you see fit.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

center}*Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane* Around The World Review Raid *Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane*{/center}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought this was a beautiful poem, full of sorrow. My family is Haitian, so this was particularly poignant. Technically, I didn’t see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that’s good. Stylistically, I think I would change “the names speaks” to “it speaks” as a reference to the island as a whole. I feel like “the names” are kind of removed from the island itself. But that’s just me. Use this suggestion as you see fit.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,
Elizabeth John

center}*Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane* Around The World Review Raid *Earth* *Plane* *Earth* *Plane*{/center}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!

I was just stopping by and thought I would leave a short note. Good job with your story! I thought you did a good job meeting the challenge of the prompt. I liked the nature of the conversation; I thought it flowed very well and naturally.

The only thing that I thought was a little off was the very end. It seemed to me it would have been more logical for them to get more food and then say something like: "Once we finish the desserts, we'll finish talking about the costumes...unless we're too full..." Something like that. It just seemed odd that they were still going to be at the party, eating and sharing food, but the last thing they discussed was calling each other the next day to talk about the costumes. But that's just me.

Otherwise, everything else seemed on point. I didn't see any errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation, so that's also a plus.

Congratulations on your win today and keep up the good work!

Write on!

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Mother and Child  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

You reviewed something of mine and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work. I loved the idea behind this poem. As a mother myself, I could easily relate to the sentiments your poem inspired. I think any mom--or father even--would respond positively to your words.

My only suggestion would be to temper a bit the fourth stanza. It speaks of the difficult road ahead, but that road is frequently paved with many joys and blessings as well. I think that this stanza could use a bit more balance on that front. But this is just a suggestion. Use or discard it as you will.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Dead Or Alive  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Joe!

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor! *Smile*

I enjoyed reading this. I was unsure at first, given the way you described it as a "cyberpunk themed..." so I didn't know what to expect, but ultimately, I liked reading this. Certainly, I was intrigued by the nature of the environment and the circumstance around this event at the bar, but I liked the hip, flippant tone that you established. Made it a fun read. It was very descriptive and I was able to easily visualize the action and imagine a seedy stripper bar gone berserk with gunfire and the ensuing violence.

I also thought you did well with writing this in the present tense; that always gives me headaches. If this is the beginning of something longer, then I think you have something that will entice readers and bring them on a fabulous journey.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. This was a great story. I thought you did a fantastic job meeting the challenge of the prompt. There story was rich with emotion, even though it was a really short piece. Now that the contest is over, it could be cool to expand the story and flesh it out more, as you have left lots opportunity for expansion: why is he at the boys home? Why is there so much turmoil there? What is he going to do next, after they eat? Etc, etc.

I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that's always a plus.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of County Fair  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought this little story was awesome. The characters were well-developed and it was easy to empathize with Hal's plight. He also did very well to solve the problem!

I think I spotted a mistake, though. In this sentence: “She’s never going to want to even visit my farm, let alone live there.” Hal said quietly to ANDREA. I think you meant to say .... Hal said quietly to SUSAN. I had to keep reading it a couple of times when I realized what the problem was. You may want to review that.

Otherwise, great story! Good luck with the contest!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I saw this on the review request page, so I thought I'd give it a go.

I thought this poem was interesting, but there were two things: 1) the beginning of the poem felt a little cliche. The sentiment is endearing and heartfelt, but I felt that it was missing lyrical language to make it poetic. But that's just me. However, that said, it leads me to 2) the last three stanzas felt completely different from the poem. I felt like they should have been part of a completely different poem altogether, and perhaps a humorous one at that (while standing keeping the sentiment, of course). I don't think going to the tattoo parlor meshes well with the first part where you talk about the nature of the marriage in general.

I didn't see any errors in grammar, spelling, or punctuation, so that's a plus. Additionally, I did notice a rhyme scheme. I thought it was a different kind of scheme (ABCA) but I think it worked. I would suggest maybe trying an ABBA pattern, but more as an exercise than anything else.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to disregard any comments here that don't match up with your own expectations for your own work.

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Dead Dreams  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello--

Thank you for sharing your work. This story is very interesting, but I think it needs some work. I hope I understood it correctly: he is the ghost haunting the city, but he is unaware of this, and because he is the ghost, he is unable to leave the city. I hope that's right.

That said, I think the story needs some more character development. As it stands, I don't have much empathy for the MC, despite his "condition". This is especially true for me in the third and fourth paragraphs. The "friend" is completely ambiguous and has no personality whatsoever. If I understood your story correctly, maybe he doesn't realize that his friend is probably long gone, but I would like to have more feeling to one of the characters, either the MC or the potential victim. Why was their friendship so special? What was the friend's name, even? Why is it devastating that the friend is gone? I think this would help to make the idea that the old man/demon must die more compelling, and help pull me as the reader more into the story.

If I am completely off-base with what your story is about, then of course, completely disregard my suggestions, and my apologies for my misinterpretations.

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of A Psalm At Dawn  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. This was an amazing piece of writing. I really enjoyed this story. I thought the end was awesome as Ethan very succinctly embraced his true calling and identity. I loved the eloquence of the language you used; it takes the story to a higher level.

I also liked and appreciated very much that it didn't take Ethan forever to come the realization of who and what he was. Most vampire tales go on and on and on but about the right and the wrong of their new state-of-being. I hate that. I think Ann Rice started that trend with Interview with the Vampire, and it seemed to stick for a lot of writers after that. Your character got right to it, and I thank you for that. *Smile*

I did see one typo that you should review: "Minutes passed as the brother’s stared at one another." There is no apostrophe in "brother's" because there is no possession. Should be "brothers", plural.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Dark Black  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. I thought your poem was interesting but I did have some trouble following it. I read the poem twice, once in my head and once out loud, and I found that the rhythm and the rhyme scheme may need some work. It felt like some of the rhymes were forced, and I couldn't the rhythm that would help make it easy to read. I think if you had a stronger, clearer, more defined rhythm pattern, then the rhymes could flow more naturally, so you may want to work on that.

I did see one spelling error; in the fourth stanza, second line. You wrote "scarred" when I think you meant to say "scared".

Please feel free to disregard any suggestion here that you feel does not subscribe to the vision and the execution of your work.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Quiet  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. The message of this poem was just lovely and I really enjoyed it. I would make just one suggestion: I would start each stanza with "I kept quiet" as you have, but then I would drop it from the following three lines. I think it would flow better and focus the reader's attention more on the why of your action (keeping quiet). For example:

I kept quiet when they told me I was loud
when they said I should settle down
when they were the ones shouting
but the depths of my heart were fighting

In any case, this is just a suggestion. Otherwise, it really is a lovely poem. I didn't see any errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation, so that's also a plus.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Remembrance  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello!

Thank you for sharing your work. This poem has a lot of potential, I think. However, there are some errors that you need to address. In the first stanza, you keep using the word "not", but it has not been placed in the sentences correctly. The way you have the sentences set up, you really need the word "do" to go with "not". Otherwise, you may have to consider re-writing the first stanza so that it makes more sense. Also, just as a general rule, if you want it to read more like poetry, you may want to revisit the form you have used to write this. Instead of writing basic sentences where you overtly express your feelings, you may want to look for expressions or wording that evoke more imagery. But that's just a thought. That said, the second and third stanzas are better written, I think, and evoke stronger images that show how the character is feeling.

In any case, these are just ideas and suggestions. Use or disregard them as you see fit.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

You reviewed something of mine earlier so I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work. I really enjoyed this poem. I thought it was beautifully written with a lot of emotion. I could really relate to it because my own daughter just graduated from high school last month and is getting ready to head out to college, so the words in this poem resonated with me. The strongest stanza to me was the the third from the bottom. Excellent advice given expertly in verse.

I didn't really see any issues with spelling, grammar, and punctuation, so that's also a plus.

Keep up the good work and write on!

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of HEART DEAD  
Review by elizjohn
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello!

You reviewed something of mine earlier and I wanted to return the favor!

Thank you for sharing your work. I was a bit confused by the nature of your poem. You seemed to be talking about motherhood and the loss of a child, but at the end, you seemed to suggest that the child was leaving the nest to venture out into the world. Of course, I could be wrong, but this is what I understood from the poem.

I do have a critique: it seemed that in some parts of the poem, there was a rhyme scheme and in some parts, there wasn't. I would suggest you strive for consistency. Either there is a rhyme scheme throughout the whole poem, or there it is free verse.

Otherwise, keep up the good work and write on.

Respectfully,

Elizabeth John


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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