Hi Corey, this will mark my 100th review, so hope you find this useful.

Overall Impression:
I liked the concept of this story a lot. While I was under the impression that Tony was the hero in the story, learning the David too would become a hero took me by surprise. Though I suppose the title should have been a giveaway seeing as it implied two or more, and there were only two characters (excluding the little girl). This was good for a few reasons. Tony, having been a failed hero, was given the opportunity to redeem himself. David, who was clearly a miscreant, is given the chance to not only become a good person, but a hero in his own right. On top of that, because of the situation the two are thrown into, Tony, as a person, is revitalized. Both men become heroes, and in doing so both men are renewed.

Character Interaction:
The character interaction was done very well. Both men, were in their own ways emotionally crippled. The odd meeting between the two, though initially one of conflict, brought the two together. When the dangers of the fire set itself upon them, both overcame the challenges facing them, and working together became better people for it. Without Tony, David would never have put aside his anger and become a hero. With David, Tony would never have put aside his self-loathing and become a hero. United they accomplish what neither would have been capable of doing on their own. It took the actions of two broken men working together to make themselves whole.

Favorite Line(s):
David’s smile appeared again. “No. Don’t be sorry. This is a gift.”
What makes this image so powerful is that while David is speaking about himself, he's inadvertently talking about Tony as well. The gift is for both men. The both sacrificed and became better people for it, even if it took Tony a bit longer to figure it out.

Areas of Improvement:
The suggests are mentioned below by the grammar and mechanics sections, so I won't bother going into it here. Focus on making sure none of the passages come across in a confusing way.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Instead of explaining the reasons for the grammar corrects below in every instance, I'll explain them once here, and just use the terms below for reference. Semi-colons are used to indicate when two parts of a sentence can be read as two sentences, but are too closely related to be separated. Introductory elements are quite simply when one part of a sentence introduces the next. A comma is needed between the part of the sentence that is introducing and the part that is being introduced. Parenthetical elements are parts of a sentence that can be removed without changing the essential meaning of that sentence. M-Dash vs N-Dash. There is a difference between the long dash, also known as the M-dash, and the short dash, also known as the N-dash. I haven't fully researched the M and N dashes enough to explain exactly why they are used, so I'll try to give a rudimentary explanation. The N-Dash is used to connect certain words concepts, an example being 'semi-colon', where as the M-Dash is used as a break in conversation, or an interruption. Lastly, your indentations are inconsistent; be sure when you revise your work, to make sure all the paragraphs are indented. From a reviewers perspective, the lack of indentation makes it harder to jump from one paragraph to the next.

Paragraph 1: The bright
Tony Marston didn’t like the blinding light of the sun this early in the morning[, e]specially when his head felt like it was going to split in half from an overpowering migraine.
It looks like you're trying to avoid writing over-lengthy sentences. While this is generally a good practice, the first sentence serves as an introduction to the second one, so you are better off keeping them as a single sentence.

Paragraph 2: He positioned
He was use[d] to talking to himself.
Incorrect tense.

Paragraph 3: Ever since
Not since the accident that ruined his life[,] and made him useless and pitiful in the sight of others.
Introductory elements.

Paragraph 4: The nightmares
He tried desperately to find that little boy’s mother[;] he tried everything he could.
Semi-colon needed.

He had no choice; it was either both of them would died [die] or just one. He jumped from the nearest window, through the glass[,] and landed hard on the concrete street below. He woke up in the hospital the next morning[;] his legs felt as if they were missing.
Remove unnecessary words, and use correct tenses. The second sentence uses parenthetical elements. The third sentence needs a semi-colon.

Paragraph 5: He shook
He shook the thought out of his mind and rolled himself to the bedroom, stopping by the mirror to see how he looked[--]not that it mattered he thought.
M Dash needed.

His light brown hair was in a frizz, as if he took a balloon and scrubbed his head as if it were a towel.
His light brown hair was in a frizz, as if he took a balloon in place of a towel to scrub his head with.
I don't entirely like my revised suggestion, but it is at least clearer than the original. If you can think of a better way to phrase it, by all means, do so.

Paragraph 7: Once in
After a few seconds of waiting, the doors finally opened[. H]owever[,] before he could get in, he was instead being led back by a punk rock-looking teenage boy.
This passage would work better as two sentences.

Paragraph 10: Once the
Once the door was open, the kid shoved Tony as hard as he could in[to] the room.
'In' the room could mean the kid shoved Tony while they were already in the room, where as 'into' means the kid shoved Tony from one room, causing him to enter the room forcefully.

Paragraph 11: Please
Whatever this guy wanted he could take it, it didn’t matter to him.
Because Tony states the exact same thing to the kid, this serves no purposed. There's no reason to say the same thing twice. Avoid redundancies.

Long black hair that hung close to his shoulders[;] it looked as if he just got done bathing in oil.
Semi-colon is preferable.

Paragraph 13: Tony stared
Tony stared at him for what seemed like an hour before replaying [replying] to the kid’s request.
Misspelled word.

Paragraph 14: Spare me
He started towards the cabin[et]s, looking for Tony’s medicine stash.
Misspelled word.

Paragraph 15: Tony replied
Tony clasped onto the attacker’s wrists[;] trying to pry them off, he could feel his face turning red.
Semi-colon is preferable.

Paragraph 19: Tony stared
He almost sounded like he was about to break down in tears.
Minor change, but the image is stronger without almost. Almost is unnecessary.

Paragraph 20: Tony put
This [was] the first time since the incident at the elevator that Tony felt safe and in control.
Keep consistent tenses.

Paragraph 21: How
Tony had never seen this kid[,] and it was weird how he had known where and when to find him.
Introductory elements.

Paragraph 31: He realized
The sound of people running and falling, trying to get to the exit[, filled the corridor.] and the [F]ear started setting in [took hold] all over the building.
This entire sentence is just off. A bit confusing. It took me awhile to sort it out, but this is what you need to do for this passage to make sense.

Paragraph 34: Stand back
David kicked open the door, the embers of the fire pour[ed] in around them.
Incorrect tense.

Paragraph 37: Then
Then, across the hall[,] into one of the burning rooms, Tony could hear a cry.
Parenthetical elements.

Paragraph 39: Just when
David got on his knees[,] and lifted up the smoked sheets[,] and found a small little girl. He grabbed her arms and pulled her out[;] tears were falling down her face, mixing with the smoke and dirt that covered her cheeks.
First sentence uses parenthetical elements. The second sentence, should use a semi-colon and not a comma.

Paragraph 50 & 51: The Wheelchair & Tony opened
Blood covered the pavement[--]his blood.
He was lying in a bed[--]a hospital bed.
M dash needed for both sentences.

Paragraph 57: Tony's heart
“David[ ]…[ ]I’m so sorry.”
Ellipses, the three dots, are treated as a three letter word, and should therefore have a space between the words on both sides of it.

Paragraph 60: David’s eyes
His eyes were kind and gentle[, d]ifferent from when he first saw him.
This should be one sentence, as the first part introduces the second part.

Final Thoughts:
This story deserves a higher rating then I am currently giving it. The only reason I'm not rating it higher is because of the corrections that need to be made. Let me know as soon as you've made the revisions, all I'll gladly change my rating to reflect the changes. As I began expressing my opinions on this story, more depth came to the surface. This is a very good piece, especially considering it's one of your earlier works. Please make the changes, so I can re-rate this. If you have any questions, reply to this review.

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Hi DGabrielle,

Overall Impression:
This is remarkably similar to a short story called The Jigsaw Puzzle The concept of a girl discovering an old 500 piece puzzle is the same. That story too has the girl turning all the pieces face up before she starts, but described as turning the pieces top side up. She too recognizes the imagery of herself and her surroundings the the puzzle nears completion, and is of course shocked to discover the similarity. The beginning and ending are different, and this is a much shorter story than The Jigsaw Puzzle, but it was so similar, I had to dig out the book to make sure I hadn't read this before. The author by the way is J.B. Stamper, and the book is called Tales for the Midnight Hour ISBN 0-590-40323-0, if you want to take a look at how a published writer approached the same concept.

The imagery and description provided were pretty solid. The tale, for the most part is very well paced. Because I've read a similar story, I had a sense of where the story was going, but I didn't know exactly where you were taking it. Fortunately, the ended was different enough to make this your own. The sheet of white at the end was a clever and suitable way of ending the story. I was initially going to give this a lower rating because I've already read something similar, but because you've made this your own, and I wouldn't have given this that lower rating had I not read the other story, I'll be a bit more generous with it. Similar stories are written all the time. Writers draw out of the same pool. Sometimes they borrow concepts, sometimes they are influenced, and sometimes they just develop the same sort of ideas without any correspondence.

Areas of Improvement:
Not a whole not to improve upon, although it might have helped to know a little more about where the picture came from.

Grammar and Mechanics:
The issues with grammar were virtually non-existent. While the suggestions are make aren't necessary to remove any mistakes per say, they do improve the flow of the story.

Across the bottom of the scene[,] a table[ ]made of, she assumed, mahogany[ ]was beginning to develop.
All the punctuation causes the sentence to read in a jerky fashion. While in reality someone might not recognize a mahogany table right away, fiction allows us to take those small liberties. It serves the description better to have her recognize the mahogany, than for it to read with too many abrupt pauses.

The more of the picture that developed, the more it looked like the room she was sitting in.
Taking away the extra words, makes this line a smoother read.

There was no doubt[ ]now.
Unnecessary comma.

Another piece and another[,] and soon what may have been a ponytail earlier was now undoubtedly a ponytail[,] and it was undoubtedly her own, as was the pool which she now could identify as being blood.
This is a long sentence, give your readers a chance to breathe. Include some commas.

The last thing she heard[,] as the puzzle piece touched the table[,] was a sickening crack.
This is what's referred to as parenthetical elements. Parenthetical elements are parts of a sentence that can be removed without changing the essential meaning of that sentence. While in this case, I would say it's not necessary to include them, adding those extra pauses makes the scene come across more dramatically.

Final Thoughts:
Good work. While I would recommend expanding the introduction a bit more, the tale is sound. If you have any questions, reply to this review.

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Hi Casper,

Overall Impression:
This is of course a very sad tale. The loneliness crushing down on the narrator is very clear. I actually chose to review this story because it reminded me a little of one of my own stories. When I first wrote mine, I also had a narrator of student age who was disappearing. I chose to age him a bit, so I could put him in the real world and therefore have events play out a bit. Your story has something I neglected to put in my own. That crushing sense of loneliness. That to was meant to be included in what I wrote, but it somehow got lost in translation. I don't want to go to into it, because the review should be based on your work and not a comparison, so I'll leave it at that.

What I see here is the sense that the vanishing narrator has lost faith in himself. Somewhere along the line, he started feeling sorry about himself, and got depressed about not really having friends or feeling any value of the self. One day the narrator discovered he's not being simply ignored anymore. No one even realizes he's there. His hope is gone, and he loses the will to care; he loses the will to even fight for his own existence. The deeper meaning I would assume is simply how it feels to be ignored and feel unimportant, but this story takes it to the next level and asks what if you became so meaningless, that you simply ceased to be.

Areas of Improvement:
I would like to see some progression of events. Not a lot is going on other than a quick description of the vanishing and a few thoughts before the narrator no longer cares enough to exist.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Very minor issues, but still worthwhile to work on if you want your story to be written in the strongest possible way.

I just don’t understand how anyone, even a reject like myself, could possibly have absolutely no human interaction of any kind for this long.
Too many adverbs. Go with 'could possibly have no human interaction', or 'could have absolutely no human interaction'. Using both weakens this line.

I try to stop and say something to some of the other kids during passing periods [, but] they just walk right on by.
In this instance 'but' makes more sense than 'and'. Also, because of the natural pause in dialogue or text, I would add a comma.

I come home late from school[,] and my parents have already eaten their dinner and cleaned up.
Introductory elements need a comma break. The first half of the sentence is introducing the second half.

I feel so tired[;] I haven’t slept in four days.
Because of the close relationship between these two sentences, a semi-colon works better than a period.

I thought about going crazy and shooting up the school[,] but I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Natural pause.

But then again, I am vanishing[ ]...
Always leave a space between words and ellipses.


Final Thoughts:
Try to expand this a bit. The story doesn't really last enough for the readers to identify with the narrator. Maybe tell your readers more about the vanishing narrator, or add some events leading up to his disappearance.If you have any questions, reply to this review.

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Hi Nagisa,

Overall Impression:
This needs a lot of work. This piece is riddled with errors. When something is this short, there's no excuse for this many mistakes occurring. The story itself is fine, but you clearly did not take the time to proof your work.

Favorite Line(s):
Gazing at her sweet innocent eyes filled me up with happiness.
This is the stronger and clearest image in the story. It sums up what the dream is all about.

Areas of Improvement:
It's mostly an issue of poor phrasing and lack of capitalization, but the story itself felt a little lacking. "Of course we did what all silly teenagers did, have sex, but that was not important." This one crossed out line hear diminished the value of the story. If it's not important why bother mentioning it? In one simple line you take the love that's supposed to be developing for a girl, and turn into something else. "what all silly teenagers did, have sex"? Why diminish the intent. You didn't even have to cut out the act of sex, it's just how it's approached. Write something more romantic. I'll give a cliche image because I can't think of a better one offhand. "We made love by the warmth of the fireplace." Now the line can read: "My parents were gone for the month, and we had the whole house to ourselves. Of course we did what all silly teenagers did, have sex, but that was not important. [We made love by the warmth of the fireplace.] The important part was Sleeping next to her, feeling her warm body next to mine, seeing her beautiful smile, and hearing her voice that was oh so graceful. I could feel myself going crazy I loved her so much." I used some of the corrections I applied below, so this could be seen more clearly. Now instead of describe love which comes across as juvenile and sex based, you have an image with a lot more depth.

Grammar and Mechanics:
There are a number of errors that I point out below, including incorrect phrasing, and lack of capitalization.

It was one of those dreams, it was about her, or what you call it[ ]"My Love".
I don't get what you're trying to say by, "or what you call it". It makes sense to me without that part in that sentence though, so I suggest removing it.

I never thought it would get to the point where [I] would dream about her. I am always [d]reaming about her now in days [nowadays]. But this dream[, i]ts' killing me! [I]t was so real, [I] never wanted to wake up [again]. The dream started out with her in my house. [My p]arents [were] gone for the month, and me and her [we] had the whole house to our self [ourselves]. [O]f course we did what all silly teenagers did, have sex[,] but that was not important. The important part was[ ]sleeping next to her, feeling her warm body next to mine, seeing her beautiful smile, and hearing her voice that was oh so graceful. I could feel me [myself] going crazy how much [I] loved her. [T]he kissing of course was[ ]mouthwatering. Feeling her soft gentle lips pressing against mine, and her soft hand gently touching my face[,]. it was so real[,] it reminded me and her together. [T]he best part of the dream was, we would lye [lying] there in bed staring at one another. Gazing at her sweet innocent eyes filled me up with happiness. [O]h! [H]ow [I] loved it when [the way] she smiled at me every time she saw me. But [T]hose eyes, were so beautiful and graceful, [I] just wanted to stared [stare] at those eyes for ever [forever]. [T]his dream warmed my heart to the point where [I] just wanted to cry. I hate how I am in love with her, that [I] need her I am [in] my life. I just wish we could see one another like we used to[,] instead of texting to one another[,] but [I] can[']t[,] so these dreams are all [I] have[ ]to keep the little insanity that [I] have left.
Because of how riddled with errors this piece was, I found it easier to mark my own comments in navy, and instead of marking what you had wrong in blue or red, I chose to mark what you had right in green. You need to remember to capitalize when necessary. A new sentence always starts with a capitalized word, yet half of the sentences here ignore that rule. The word 'I', is always capitalized regardless of where it is placed in a sentence. The punctuation issues need a bit of work, and there a number of words or short phrases are written incorrectly. 'lye' by the way is a cleaning solution, not to be confused with lie, which I think was the word you intended.

Final Thoughts:
I hope my review didn't come across too harshly, and that you got some benefit out of it. I can't stress more the importance of self-editing or proofreading your own work. You have to check over your work at least once before submitting it for review. If you have any questions, reply to this review, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

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Hi Early,

Overall Impression:
This was really well written. The description used throughout was very vivid. I really got a sense of the world Gemma was in. When I first started reading the story, I saw Gemma as just an ordinary girl with a love for horror stories. Seeing her character unfold, and watching her interact with the library monster was entertaining. What was also well done, was the brief history written into this story. In just a few sentences, the monster was given a detailed history that implied he'd been doing the same thing to other potential horror writers for a very long time.

Favorite Line(s):
“Can I help you?” a voice purred right behind her ear.

She jumped and then laughed apologetically.

“I’m just looking,” she said with a shrug. Then she scrutinized the person standing in front of her, and the tiny hairs on her neck leapt up.

These were my favorite lines, but for a much different reason then your intention might have been. I'm reminded of any instance where someone is shopping and asked that very same question. The response, "I'm just looking", always seems to follow a point where the customer just touched the item and claims all they are doing is looking.

Style and Voice:
I like the concept of the spooky library. Gemma goes into the library looking for a horror story, only to find herself within one.

Areas of Improvement:
Beyond the grammar and mechanics below, the only other area in need of improvement, is a line referring to Stephen King at the end, which I will also spoken about towards the end of the review.

Grammar and Mechanics:
In addition to the corrections I list below, I didn't list ellipses. Instead i'll list the rule here once, to be applied to all instances of its use. Ellipses are treated grammatically as a three letter word. This means it is always three words, no more, no less, and there should always be a space between it on both sides from any other words. "X ... X"

Paragraph 3: Stupid
But she didn’t like to be scared so much when it was real, and she couldn’t quite tell what this was.
Nothing wrong with this line per say; it just sounds off to me. Is there a better way to phrase it?

Paragraph 3: She Slid
One of them even had a pool of red[ ]liquid congealing at its base and dripping from its fangs.
The comma here creates an awkward pause; I suggest omitting it.

Paragraph 4: The shelves
The shelves went up to the ceiling, disappearing into the darkness of the rafters[,] and [were] carved all over with little creatures.
This is an example of what is referred as parenthetical elements. Since the middle part of the sentence can be removed without changing the essential meaning of the sentence, the second comma is necessary to bracket the added details in between. Also needed is the missing word "were", otherwise this potentially reads as if the shelves were doing carvings, as opposed to having carvings on them.

Paragraph 5: Gemma
Maybe they'd toss a few plastic spiders around[,] and the girls would trip over themselves, pretending to scream. It had been the same for all three years of college before this[,] and it would be the same afterwards.
A comma is needed with a conjunction to connect two independent clauses. Without the conjunction, the first sentence can be read as two sentences, and that is why a comma is needed. The same rule applies to the second sentence.

Truthfully[ ]Megan was getting on Gemma's nerves with all this fussing, and graduation was still an entire semester away.
Self-explanatory.

Paragraph 8: I'm just
He was about six and a half feet tall with tangled[ ]dark hair and a hungry build.
The comma here creates an awkward pause; I suggest omitting it.

Paragraph 18: Oh, well
“Oh, well, I’ll just be leaving then. Sorry,” she said, panted, and waited for him to move.
A minor change, but that one extra word makes the entire line feel a bit jerky; whereas without it, this becomes a much smoother read.

Paragraph 25: Tell me
“Tell me[ ]Gemma, is this the good kind of scary?” he asked, looking amused again.
While there is nothing wrong here grammatically, the comma isn't necessary, and slows down the paces. I suggest omitting it in this instance.

Paragraph 32: Not
“Not [yet],” he ground out, grabbing her arm with his long fingers, “[not] until you tell me what story you want.
"Not, until" would come across oddly if the description of speech weren't there, so the extra words are needed.

[H]is breathing was [uneven] now.
There's a typo here. Looks like uneven was inadvertently written as uneaven.

Paragraph 33: Gemma thought
Gemma thought back to her computer, which right now had the beginning of her latest horror story attempt pulled up on the screen.
Unnecessary words.

Paragraph 35: Don't be
Ask me for [a] story that no one has ever asked for before, and you can go.

Paragraph 36: He dragged
Gemma slammed her fist to her mouth.
I would suggest using jammed or shoved, as slammed conjures the image of Gemma punching herself in the face.

Paragraph 38: I like
“I like psychotic stories,” he offered.
There is nothing wrong with this line, but because there is mention of a psychotic break in the previous lines, it would make more sense to the reader is this: "he offered uncannily, as if he was reading her thoughts." Not necessarily that phrasing, but something along those lines.

Concluding paragraph
While I thought the ending paragraph was for the most part a suitable ending, I think sending Stephen King into retirement was a bit over the top. Saying Stephen King named Gemma Blackstone as his protege is reasonable, but saying he stopped writing and went into retirement takes away the realism of the story. Even fantasy stories have to follow certain rules. King, who is arguably the greatest horror writer ever, giving up his crown for Gemma, comes across a bit egotistical, even if it's not meant to be so.

Final Thoughts:
I think your descriptive abilities are your strongest area in writing. Overall, I thought this was a pretty good story. It just needs some tweaking grammatically, and a bit more humility in the concluding paragraph. I hope you found this useful. If you have any questions, reply to this review.

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Hi Gypsy Soul,

Overall Impression:
What I see here has potential, but it needs a lot of work. There are a number of issues to be addressed that I mention below. Conceptually the story is a good one. This is however a raw draft. This is what a completed version of the story would look like without any editing. Now is the time to go back and make the corrections. The man going into surgery makes for a very powerful image. It's an interesting approach, that the narrator focuses more on his inner thoughts, then on what he leaves behind. The narrator hear appears to have made the decision, the his life is in his control, even if keeping his life in control means dying.

Areas of Improvement:
I would like to see a progression in time. The reader is stuck in the last seven minutes, before the plug is finally pulled. There's a clock running; use it. In the next seven minutes, In these five minutes, in the last three minutes, last one. You don't have to use the exact times I indicate here, but every instance time is mentioned, should be closer to the narrator's last moments. Make it obvious that time is passing. I suggest 7, 5, 3, and 1, so that you make it to the final minute by the end of the story.

Grammar and Mechanics:
The biggest issues facing this story are unnecessary words and phrases, and improper punctuation. There are a number of run-on sentences. While I understand the urgency of getting across your message, skipping necessary punctuation doesn't make the story go any faster, it just confuses the readers. Unnecessary words can occur either to redundant phrases or words, or adding irrelevant material, irrelevant because the thoughts pertaining to it, while clear in your mind, may not have ever made it to paper, or in this case the computer screen. Be especially careful not to put add these incomplete thoughts unless you intend to add the rest of that thought. It's also important to use ellipses correctly. It is always three dots, no more, no less, and it should never touch the words on either side of it, as a set of ellipses is treated as if it's a three letter word.

Paragraph 1:
In the next [seven ]minutes, they are going to inject a liquid in my veins[, a] sedative[ ]that will make me sleep almost immediately. That is just the first step of the surgery im supposed to have, and like all the surgeries, [T]hey are preparing me for the most important step, the line that divides life and death, conscious and unconscious, being and not being; they are preparing me for “anesthesia.”
7 and minutes are two separate words, and should therefore have a space between them. I would also recommend changing 7 to seven. Sometimes you mention the numbers as numbers, sometimes as words. Be consistent; use one form of numbers, not both. The sedative and the liquid, are two parts of a whole, and should therefore not be placed into two separate sentences. Because there is no further description of the surgery, telling your readers the anesthesia is the first step serves no purpose; that is why I crossed out an entire line.

Paragraph 2:
After I go in[to] total darkness, not being able to feel any pain or torture inflicted upon my body, I will lose all the sense or [and] knowledge of my existence. I will be a “nobody” to myself[.] and [A]ll my dreams, hopes, wishes, ambitions, goals, everything[,] will also be under the effect of anesthesia, unaware of their own existence, until I cross that line between life and death, conscious and unconscious once again. Of course depending on which side of the line I end up.
Go in total darkness, could imply your leaving somewhere in total darkness. You want to state specifically that you're entering total darkness. To do so, the word into is needed. There is two much going on in that second sentence. It's also a run-on sentence. Splitting It in two, takes away the issues of being a run-on sentence, and it also comes across much clearer. The last line of this paragraph serves no purpose. Don't get ahead of yourself. The discussion of the lines of life and death can wait until further into the story.

Paragraph 3:
In these seven minutes, which might be the last seven minutes I have with my thinking mind, the last seven minutes of my consciousness, let me [I] think about all that matters to me in life.
Seven minutes is mentioned too many times in a single sentence. Avoid being overly repetitive. Now is also the time to start a countdown. You should no longer be in the seven minutes. This is should be six minutes or less to death.

I always heard the [P]reachers say that one should ask for forgiveness for all the sins, from the God in such times. I heard the [B]ankers and insurance agents say that one should think about what he is leaving behind[ ]for his depend[e]nts[,] and what effect his absence will have on his financial conditions. I also heard [T]he philosophers say that one should think about what did he get out of life, and what did he give back to this world, during all the time he was alive and living. Everyone [says] something, everyone [thinks] of something[, b]ut surprisingly, I can[']t think of anything at all, other than Love.
Everyone has opinions on how to spend the final moments of life. Preachers say one should ask God for forgiveness. Bankers and insurance agents say it's the time to think about your finances, and what effect its absence will have on the family you leave behind. Philosophers say you should think about your life, about what you got out of it, and what you gave back to the world of the living. Everyone says something, everyone has there own thoughts on death. For me, all that matters is Love.
Express each thought as clearly as possible. You're getting lost in the words here, and much of the intended meaning is getting lost. While the reader may want to hear about what the preachers, the bankers, the insurance agents, and the philosophers say about life, the don't want to hear "I heard this guy say". Just tell their stories, we don't need to hear that it was heard. If all the narrator can think of is love, that's still thinking something. Why doesn't it have to me surprising. Instead of thinking about love, say the only important thing for the narrator is love. Love being all that matters, is a far stronger message than love being all someone can think of.

Not the love we all talk about day and night, with our friends, see on TV, read in novels[,] etc.[ ]I would like to think about Love in its purest, most genuine form. Love, which cannot be called merely “passion” or “obsession” because even these words can[']t define its force, it[s] sheer power with which it engulfs you and takes your soul to a journey, where there are no limits, no boundaries. Untamed and without any forms, shapes, sizes[,] or colors. It enlightens your spirit and make[s] everything around [you] glow with that light.
Make sure to punctuate properly.

Love for someone, who in the last [seven] minutes of my life[,] is more precious to me than thinking about my sins, my finances, my achievements, more precious than my life itself.
Love for another, is the last seven minutes of my life, is more precious to me than my finances, my achievements, more precious than my life itself.
The original is a bit confusing. Try to word this clearer. The constant mention of thinking dilutes the message here. Show, don't tell. The clock is still ticking, the time should be lower again. This should be five minutes or less until death.

Paragraph 4:
Last [seven] minutes, and I open my eyes once again to look for that “someone” [.].. To see that face once again, knowing that what I am taking with me as maybe my last memory, isn’t fantasy or a hallucination. But I see no one here.[ ]I realize that I am all alone in this white room with crisp white bed sheets[,] and smell of medicine[,] and pain scattered all around me. I shut my eyes once again.
Ellipses are always three dots, never two. Make sure there is a space between punctuation, and the word that follows it, and remember to punctuate when necessary. Your death clock should still be ticking at three minutes or less.

Paragraph 5:
Death is always waiting patiently, sitting hand in hand with Life, outside the operation theatre, both expecting that their name will be called out next.
Death and Life sit hand in hand outside the operation theatre, patiently waiting to see which of their names will be called out next.
The imagery here is good, but it can be better.

I believe that even when there is virtually little or no connection between the mind and the body during the surgery, that part of the heart, that little corner where all the dreams and wishes are stored, takes charge of the whole body and mind. I believe that it is that part of the heart where the will to live, to carry on, to come back for someone is generated[;] and it is from here that the message goes to the brain and to the whole body.
The connection of mind and body is mentioned earlier in the sentence; the second mention of it is redundant. Because the parts in the last sentence can be read as two separate sentences, yet are two closely related to be separate, a semi-colon is needed.

Paragraph 6:
I have very little time [left] to do what I['ve] want[ed to do] for a long time [now]. I have just seven minutes. [My seven minutes are almost up.] I sever it forever, making it impossible for anyone who tries to repair it[.]
I had to read this line a number of times to figure out what you were trying to say. The addition of a few words can make all the difference between understanding and confusion. The finality of time being almost up, vs still having seven minutes, adds urgency to the task of the narrator. The narrator has almost no time left on the clock. If the narrator doesn't sever the wires now, he might not get another chance. Saying, "I have just seven minutes." is too much time. The reader needs to see it as only a matter of seconds.

because I know it takes more than seven minutes to repair [T]hat wire [cannot be repaired. There is simply no time left]. That vein, that generator of dreams, wishes[,] and hopes[,] cannot be healed in [time.] just 7minutes, for sometimes it takes a lifetime to restore it
This changes the ending a bit, but here is why it's important: Seven minutes is a lot of time. You don't want the narrator saying he's cut the wires and it's all over, only to have them sit around and wait for death for another seven minutes. Also, it's not that realistic. Who's to say seven minutes isn't enough time to save his life. Make it seconds, not minutes. Don't give enough time for the doctors to see something is wrong.

[...] I take a deep breath [...] and look at the clock once again [... watching as the seconds tick away ...] before closing my eyes [...] forever.
Ellipses are always three dots. No more, no less. I added one line about the seconds ticking away because I thought would make the image you describe more powerful. You may include it or discard it, but follow the rest of the suggestions provided.

Final Thoughts:
As I said, this story is a raw draft, but it has a lot of potential. Go back and make the necessary changes needed. You may find that once you've done your edits, there may be more to add to this story. I would be happy to revise my review and change my rating, but I cannot do so until the time is taken to edit this story. I hope you found this helpful. If you have any questions, reply to this review. Additionally, let me know when you've edited the story, otherwise I won't know to come back and give it a new review.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Joker,

Overall Impression:
This was a decent start for a story, although it felt a little short. The story went from a demon and a hunter falling in love, to the hunter killing the demon, realizing to late, that it was the woman he loved. The events in between are nonexistent.

Areas of Improvement:
This story needs to be expanded some. The transition between the demon and hunter falling in love, to the demon's death is too abrupt. Fill in the blanks. Let us know how the story progresses. I want a story with a beginning, middle and end. This story has a beginning and end, but very little in between.

Grammar and Mechanics:
More focus is need on when to include commas. The reasons I give below are either due to a need of natural pauses in dialect, connecting two or more independent clauses, or to see off parenthetical elements. I will explain these below in my mark ups. Additionally, it's very important that you make sure your story is properly written. There's no reason for a section of text to be missing, when all you'd have to do is a quick reread to spot it.

One day a young and handsome hunter came to her village. He was a demon hunter, the type of people who killed Mizuki's family. But poor Mizuki cursed with unfortuna
e fell in love with the hunter.
What happened here? There's a chunk of text missing.

Mizuki was able to hide her secret and learned that Takashi's dream was to kill all of the demons. This saddened her because she knew for a fact her love could never know who she really was.
When Mizuki learned of Takashi's dream to kill all demons, she was saddened. She hid her secret, knowing she could never let Takashi discover what she really was.
The difference in these two versions, is that in the suggested version, Mizuki hides her demon half after dreaming and discovering what Takashi would do to her. In the original, She is only saddened by it, but one is not a result of the other. The second version is a much stronger way of telling it.

One night a full moon was out[,] and Mizuki foolishly went outside worried, for her husband did not return home yet. As she was walking through the forest where her husband went to hunt she felt a sharp painful piercing through her heart.
Takashi would often hunt in the forest at night. On this particular night, the night of a full moon, Takashi was slow in returning home. Worried that her husband had not yet returned, Mizuki foolishly went outside and into the forest and looked for him. As she walked through the forest toward his hunting ground, she felt a sharp painful piercing through her heart.
The revision is important here for a couple reasons. There is no explanation as to why she left the safety of her home and forgot about the full moon, other then being worried. The revision gives the reason that her husband is usually home by a certain time. Without that, her worry doesn't make sense. There's no indication that they live in the forest, so it's important to mention her entrance into the forest, as opposed to having Mizuki suddenly in the forest.

"Fox demon, prepare to die!" said Takashi. As Mizuki heard his voice[,] she cried tears of pain and happiness. "My love, if it is you who will do away with me[,] then I shall not struggle." Mizuki said.
Remember to use commas when necessary.

Takashi heard the voice of his beloved wife[,] and withdrew his katana. He then saw her face, bathed in moonlight, tears, and[ ]blood.
Not only is it important to include commas when there is a natural pause in text or dialogue, it is also important not to include them when they serve no purpose. The comma here also connects two independent clauses.

"My love[,] why did you never tell me?" he asked in agony of watching her inevitable death. "Because you hated demons[,] and I would die if you hated me." she answered weakly.
Here are two instances, where a comma is needed due to natural pauses in dialogue. The second instance also uses a comma, to connect two independent clauses.

"Do not cry my love, live no matter how painful it may be[.] and [W]hen the time comes[,] I will be awaiting for you in the next life[,] so we may love each other all over again[,]" said Mizuki returning the embrace.
Too much going on in one sentence. 'When the time' should start a new sentence. Dialogue, when followed by 'said X', should use a comma in between, and not a period.

Soon Mizuki disappeared[,] turning into orbs of light[,] as her soul left this life for the next. Takshi saw the beauty her soul was and cried. He cried at for all the times he wished to kill all demons. He cried for falling in love with a demon. He cried for losing her.
Remember to use commas when necessary, and avoid unnecessary words. The first set of commas here refer to something called parenthetical elements. These are parts of a sentence that can be removed without changing the essential meaning of that sentence. "Soon Mizuki disappeared as her soul left this life for the next." Because the essential meaning is still there without the middle part, commas are needed.

Final Thoughts:
I hope you found this useful. Let me know when you've made necessary changes. I'd be happy to give this story a better rating once corrections are made and details added. If you have any questions, reply to this review.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Elemenopy,

Overall Impression:
Fantastic story. I wasn't familiar with the term 'ingeminate', but after looking it up, and reading this story, it was definitely a good choice. I am once again impressed with your storytelling. There is the concept of hell as endless repetition, which you have done a great job at pointing out. The mistakes that your narrator made are unavoidable, and as that moment of realization occurs, it's already too late to stop it. And so it begins again. The realization slowly dawning on him does nothing to prevent the cycle of event. What was is what it always will be. This was very nicely done. This actually reminded me a little of a section in the Dark Tower series. Don't know if you read it, so don't want to say what in case you intend to read.

Favorite Line(s):
The barroom was peppered with the salt of the town, braving whiskey just after dawn in hopes of escaping the day.
I don't know if this was my favorite line, but it was definitely the first one that stood out to me. Wonderful description.

Style and Voice:
I like the method of interspersing the flash backs within the narrative, as opposed to having it come beforehand. It definitely strengthens the progression of the story.

Areas of Improvement:
Not a lot of room for improvement; the few areas where any changes were needed, I point out below in the grammar section.

Grammar and Mechanics:
I didn't really bother with pointing out commas for the most part. The more I review, regardless of what the rules say, I think it's ultimately the choice of the writer how casual or strict they want to be with that sort of punctuation. If I find somewhere that it's definitely needed, I'll explain my reasoning. So I'll leave it at this. Commas are necessary to cause a natural break in the text, dialogue, or to separate certain types of ideas. There is a complicated set of rules as to when commas are necessary. I suggest playing it by ear. Sound it out. If it makes sense to use them do so; if not, then don't.

Paragraph 7: I lowered
I lowered the brim of my hat as I pushed through the saloon doors[,] and into the almost blinding light outside.
This is a great image, but I feel like 'into the blinding light' is a far more powerful image than 'into the almost blinding light'. Sometimes less is more. Don't include adverbs unless they strengthen the imagery or description.

Paragraph 10: Grey and Paul
The effect was successful, apparent[ly] due to the lack of gunshots.

Paragraph 16: I flashed
I watched their faces change as they noticed the barrel of the revolver, [and] their eyes widened with understanding.
Not much of a difference, but I feel 'as they noticed ... and their eyes widened', sounds better than 'as they noticed ... as their eyes widened'.

Paragraph 27: His voice
I remembered a time before[, when] we sat across from each other at the same table, though I could not place when or how long ago.
The remembrance itself, is asking for that natural pause as the memory comes to light. 'That' feels a bit off in the context, whereas 'where' seems like a much more natural fit.

Paragraph 29:I looked
I looked down and tugged at the badge pinned to my vest[,] in attempts to avoid his daunting gaze as he laid out his plan.

I feel like that pause represented by a comma is needed after 'vest' to make this sentence flow properly.

Paragraph 30: The old man
“If the price is paid, she will live[ ]Sheriff, she will live.”
The second comma is unnecessary, as it makes the speech unnatural. Speak it aloud with and without the pause, and you will see what I mean.

Paragraph 32: A final
His eyes rolled back into his head[,] and the gun clattered to the floor.
The natural pause seemed to obvious not to point out.

Final Thoughts:
Not much to add that I haven't already said before. With the corrections in place, I'd probably clear my current rating, and give this a 5 star rating. This was really well written. I sincerely hope the rest of your stories are written in the same caliber.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi May,

Overall Impression:
What you have here, is the potential for a good story. I feel this story is too short on details. As a reader, I can't get a sense of Dr. Angara's loss (or the person whose life she is simulating) over her children, or how she grew to hate the rules which would one day make her despise life.

Areas of Improvement:
Your description is too telling. I suggest using two words: Final Thoughts. It's mysterious and grabs the readers attention while saying very little about the story itself. As I said in my impression, the story is too short to tell the tale you want told. In addition to correcting grammar, this needs a lot more description and plot to make this into a strong piece.

Grammar and Mechanics:
You keep changing tenses. It's very important to not only use the correct tenses in a given sentence, but to maintain the tenses throughout. Additionally, make sure to use commas when necessary.

Paragraph 1:
I laid here tonight thinking that I could have done things differently in my life should I know I would end up alone on my death bed. Everybody's afraid of death but not me. I always know that anything is better than this forsaken world.
I laid here tonight thinking that I would have done things differently in my life had I known I would end up alone on my death bed. Everybody's afraid of death, but not me. I always knew that anything would be better than this forsaken world.
Could implies the option of doing things differently, whereas would states she'd actually do things differently if she was given the chance to.

Paragraph 2:
I have tried to follow the rule of this world but it cost me my dear Augustine. Oh! my poor Augustine, I should have spent more time with you instead of following the rule. What a ridiculous rule! Rule that force you to work hard to get to the top and when you get to the top, again it forces you to stay there and keep yourself there at any cost even if it means you have to crush a few people that get in your way. In my case, it was my lovely Augustine.
I tried to follow the rules of this world, but it cost me my dear Augustine. Oh! my poor Augustine, I should have spent more time with you instead of following the rules. What ridiculous rules! Rules that force you to work hard to get to the top, and when you get to the top, it forces you to stay there and keep yourself there at any cost, even if it means you have to crush a few people that get in your way. In my case, it was my lovely Augustine.
There are a couple unnecessary words, and not enough punctuation in the original. Also, you should be saying rules, not rule, as there is more than one rule in life to follow.

Paragraph 3:
The silence is deafening, I can hear a static ringing in my ear. I wish its end already. All those so call scientists keep probing me and testing me for what? Just to prolong the agony of this 90's year old body to stay alive in this world. This is what I get by following the rule.
The silence was deafening, I could hear a static ringing in my ears. I wish it would end already. All those so-called scientists kept probing me and testing me for what, just to prolong the agony of this 90's year old body to stay alive in this world? This was what I got by following the rules.
Keep the tenses consistent; You started off using past tense, continue to do so throughout.

Paragraph 4:
I have tried to break the rule but it cost me my dear children. Where are you Clarisse? Where are you Fabio? I should have stay on my path and be there when you grow up but I just have to rebel from the rule. I have used my power against all the ruler and became an outcast that even my own children disown me.
I tried to break the rules, but it cost me my dear children. Where are you Clarisse? Where are you Fabio? I should have stayed on my path instead of rebelling against the rules. I used my power against all the rulers, and became an outcast; even my own children have disowned me.
Keep the tenses consistent. Did she have to rebel against the rules, or did she choose to do so?

Paragraph 7:
I win! I win! Ha...ha...ha...
I win! I win! Ha ... ha ... ha ...
The three dots, known as ellipses, should be separated by a space from each word, as they follow the same format words do.

Paragraph 8:
Heart rate monitor keep beeping in the background, a woman in white jumpsuit open the door to the capsule emulator.
I heard a heart rate monitor beeping in the background, as a woman in a white jumpsuit opened the door to the capsule emulator.
Don't change the form of narrative; keep it as first person.

Paragraph 9:
“Welcome back Doctor Angara, how are you feeling?
The closing parenthesis are missing.

Paragraph 10:
The experiment going great, it’s ended as you predicted 93 human year and its only take us a little over two days"
"The experiment was a success. It ended as you predicted; 93 years in a little over two days."
If this is meant to be a continuation of what the woman in white is telling Dr. Angara, then this should be on the same line as the previous paragraph, otherwise, the opening parenthesis are missing.

Final Thoughts:
I hope you found this review helpful. When you make the changes, let me know, and I would be happy to let you know what I think. Good luck.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Hi Jeremy,

Overall Impression:
These two brief stories are served well in their contrast to one another. Old vs young, sunset vs sunrise, and an ending vs a beginning. The descriptions of colors, actions, and thoughts blend well in both stories.

Favorite Line(s):
He remembered watching the sunset over the pond, casting a beautiful orange flow on the ripples in the water.

The flash across the orange sky lights up the twilight.

Whether intentional or not, these two lines, to some extent, serve as a connection between the two stories.

Style and Voice:
The parallel stories are an interesting concept to work with. The contrast between the two strengthens the individual stories.

Areas of Improvement:
Except for the concept of orange sunset and orange twilight, and the contrast of old age vs youth, the connection between the two was minimal. While both stories were nice descriptive stories, I would like to see a greater connection between the two. Additionally, the description given for Transcending Time should tell me something about what is being written, as opposed to the writing process used to come up with the ideas. The writing process should be saved for your bio, not story descriptions.

Grammar and Mechanics:
What I found most, was that the attempt to ensure that writing run-on sentences don't occur, caused numerous fragmented sentences to occur instead. While it is important to avoid run-ons, it's just as important to focus on not writing fragmented sentences. The next thing to watch for are unnecessary words or phrases, which I will point out below.

Paragraph 1:
Sure, they fought for the scraps of bread carelessly tossed their way[, but] they had a partnership with well defined lines.
This should be one sentence. While 'but' can in some cases be used to begin a sentence, here it is clearly a continuation of the first sentence, and should there for be used to complete the thought.

Deep down, he wasn't pondering the biological niche each bird filled[; h]e wondered where the years had gone.
The relationship of the two sentences are strong enough to merit them being connected by a semi-colon.

When he saw this glow, he would imagine he was flying over field[s] of oranges waiting to be squeezed into a tall glass to accompany his bacon and eggs.

His socks don't match[, but] he doesn't care.
This should be one sentence. Same reason as the last instance where this was mentioned.

He's done the impossible, he's descended time.
Did you intend to write he's transcended time? If the implication is that he's gone backward in time (either literally or figuratively), it's still an odd way of phrasing it.

Was he promiscuous? Of course not. He never had time, if for no other reason.
This whole line is irrelevant as it has nothing to do with his remembrance of youth. As this adds nothing to the story, I would suggest removing it.

He grew up quick at a juvenile age[, b]ut he didn't regret it[, j]ust as he didn't regret being married to the same woman for 53 years[, o]r his painful arthritis.
While the temptation may be to keep sentences short to avoid run-on sentences, this is clearly one sentence. Sometimes a lengthy sentence is not a run-on, and is in fact needed to convey a thought or message properly.

Paragraph 2:
Static electricity was far beyond her current mental capacity. As most things are.
The last part of this sentence is unnecessary. If you do choose to keep it, the two sentences should be one sentence connected by a comma, but I feel it doesn't add anything to the story.

The joys of boys and the phenomenon of green grass between her tiny toes was another [were other] pleasure[s] she had to look forward to. The s[u]n and the moon and the birds and the bees are all her play ground.
Boys and green grass are two separate things, so 'were other pleasures' is the correct way of writing it. And 'son' should be spelled 'sun' in this instance.

She'll be an astronaut[, p]erhaps the first person to lightly pounce from place to place on a distant satellite of Saturn.
This should be one sentence. Same reason given for 'but' towards the start of the story.

Whether she's a house wife in a small Midwestern town married to a local mechanic[, o]r she's a successful day trader on wall street, if that's what pleases her[, t]he world is her for the taking.
While the temptation may be to keep sentences short to avoid run-on sentences, this is clearly one sentence. Sometimes a lengthy sentence is not a run-on, and is in fact needed to convey a thought or message properly.

... being pushed in a stroller[,] wondering of the curiosities of her phalanges.

Final Thoughts:
Not much to add that I haven't already stated. I hope you found this review useful, and that you take the time to use my suggestions and come up with a few of your own to improve the individual stories and the connection between them. Perhaps something as simple as a shared thought at the end, by the old man and the baby girl is all that's needed to really connect these stories so that they come across as two parts of a whole. I will be happy to update my review and raise my rating once I see improvements in place. (Just let me know you've updated it, or I won't know to look for it.) If you have any questions, reply to this review, and I will email you back.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Hi Max

Overall Impression:
This is a nice little story. Initially the title confused me, as I only saw one reference to a tree. Rereading the story, I realize while you were referring in one way to the elm tree, it seems like the title more greatly reflected the concept of the family tree. If this is the case, and not just me reading into something that isn't actually there, I suggest you find a way to have the title and its description reflect that more clearly.

I really enjoyed reading the connection between the cold and the narrator's thoughts on family. It was interesting to see how the bitterness of the cold actually caused the narrator to have fond memories of family. I thought the ending was especially well done. Even though he had the fond memories, nonetheless, it does not take away from the bite of the cold.

Areas of Improvement:
My sister knitted my hat several years ago, and despite being comically oversized, it covered my head in a most comfortable way. The scarf was knitted last year, after she mastered the hobby, and fit snugly around my frozen neck. My gloves had been a present from my parents, and were more expensive than I'd normally buy for myself. I inherited the winter coat from my dead uncle, whose wife (my aunt) decided a barely used coat was a sin to waste.
Considering how connected the ideas are in the four sentences, there's no reason for the separation, so I suggest combining them into one as shown here.

Grammar and Mechanics:

Paragraph 5: None of that
I was slowly losing the feeling all four limbs[.] [W]ith only half the shoveling done, and the untouched portion of the driveway silently mock[ed] me in the distance.
While there was nothing technically wrong with the sentence grammatically, it comes across weakly. I feel the description comes across far stronger by making two separate sentences and modifying a word or two.

Paragraph 6: I darted
... , and a chance [to] adjust my clothing back into position.
Missing a word.

Final Thoughts:
I suppose the two most important things to focus on are your paragraphs and connection between title/description and story. Just because a story is short, doesn't mean the paragraphs have to be so. If the sentences and/or short paragraphs have a close relationship, keep them together. Concerning the title, while after a little thought, it's meaning is obvious, it's easy to miss the first time around. I would suggest making the description more relevant.

I will likely give this story a higher rating once the necessary corrections are made. (Just let me know when you do so, or I won't know to check for changes.) I hope you found this useful; if you have any questions, send me an email response to the review, and I'd be happy to reply.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Hi Matt,

Overall Impression:
I liked this bit of flash fiction. The story was well told. I could almost feel the sense of exuberance the boys felt as the sent their balloon up into the sky. While I feel like I should have seen the ending coming, the twist ending caught me by surprise nonetheless. Good stuff.

Favorite Line(s):
“I don’t know about that man[ ]… he’s always been a bit of a wimp[,]” Rob quipped in while downing his seventh shot of Jack Daniels in the past hour.

Areas of Improvement:
Mostly commas and one run-on sentence.

Grammar and Mechanics:
Below, listed within the paragraphs, you'll notice I use brackets [ ], to indicate two things: 1) Commas - These are necessary to cause a natural break in the text or separate certain types of ideas. There is a complicated set of rules as to when commas or necessary. I suggest playing it by ear. Look at the suggestions I've made below, and sound it out. 2) Ellipses - These are treated as words. What this means is, that there should be a space between the set of dots and the word that comes before and/or after it.

Up! Up! and[ ]...

Paragraph 1:
Going on a balloon ride may seem like a relaxing and even fun idea when taken at face value[,] ...

Paragraph 2:
“He’ll be totally fine! We’ll just let him float a little ways up[,] and then pull him right back down[,]” ...

“I don’t know about that man[ ]… he’s always been a bit of a wimp[,] Rob quipped in...”

I stumbled towards the two of them, barely able to stay upright in my own state of inebriation[,] somehow managing to force semi-coherent words out of my mouth “You know[ ]… it seems like it might rain a little[ ]…” Tony and Rob[']s grunts of disagreement were quickly drowned out by the sound of thunder.
Without the apostrophe, Robs means more than one Rob, so it needs to be written as Rob's.

Paragraph 3:
Sighing and turning to Benny[,] I put a hand on his back and asked[,] “You ready to fly?” He replied with what to all of us seemed like a look of stoic courage and determination[.] and immediately we [We immediately] released the box with all twelve balloons securely attached[,] and watched it, with Benny sitting inside[,] rise gracefully into the stormy sky when suddenly a large flash of lightening crashed through the heavens[,] and we lost sight of our friend and his shoddily constructed aircraft.
Notice how I used determination to end a sentence. While it's obvious that the thought was to keep the text as one long idea, it doesn't read well when written that way. Sometimes it pays to separate thoughts. In addition to the punctuation, I suggest one slight variation in phrasing for this passage.

Paragraph 4:
Just then the three of us heard the sound of the screen door to the back yard sliding open[,] ...

Final Thoughts:
The biggest issue facing this story is punctuation. When and when not to use a comma can seem arbitrary, but it's very important. By not using it enough, the meaning of a sentence, and how a sentence is read, can change drastically. Though I only saw one instance of it, be careful not to get into the habit of writing run-on sentences. I would be happy this story a higher rating, but I cannot do so until the grammatical errors are fixed. Hope you found this review helpful. If you have any questions, email me in reply to this review.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Hi Star Princess,

Overall Impression:
... What? The title has nothing to do with what is written in the story. If the reader is supposed to get a sense of love that isn't love, in a story of a bored student ... that's quite a stretch. It's a bit much to ask your readers to assume the story takes place after a set of ellipses.

Areas of Improvement:
Where's the story? All I see is a bored student that dreads being thought of as stupid by her teacher. She's praying that the teacher left? Did the teacher leave the room at some point? If the class was boring as usually, I have to assume the teacher was there at some point. If he left at some point, why isn't that communicated in the story.

Grammar and Mechanics:
The class was boring as usual. I prayed [earnestly] that the teacher left. Dr. Chris' class was always like that[;] everyone feared him[,] so his class was never fun. All my mates [dread] what he will do if they said anything funny[,] or 'stupid'[,] as Dr. Chris termed it. I was glad when the bell was finally rang for change of period but[ ]....
The correct spellings are 'earnestly' and 'dread', not 'hernestly' and 'dreed'. There should also be a space between the ellipses and the word that comes before and/or after it. Also there are only three dots in a set of ellipses, not four.

Final Thoughts:
This needs a lot of work. I hope that this was posted prematurely, and that you intend to add more details as the story progresses. I suggest you change the reviewing options to email only until you correct mistakes, and add more detail. I'll be happy to change my rating once the issues I stated above are resolved.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Hi Dalton,

Overall Impression:
Most of what I think, I'll be saying in the Grammar and Mechanics section of this review. This needs a lot of work. Forgetting the grammatical issues for the moment, I found the story itself didn't really deliver. This is barely a conversation; this is more of a very brief discussion.

Areas of Improvement:
Capitalization, punctuation, spelling, and general context. Try to add more description as well, and add more dialogue.

Grammar and Mechanics:
This is such a short piece ... yet it's riddled with mistakes. The lack of capitalizing sentences, and lack of punctuation is so obvious I didn't have to look for it. There are also misspelled words. Even the title and descriptions have those same issues. While a title doesn't need punctuation, if you're going to capitalize the first three words, you have to do the same with the forth.

The Things He [D]oes
[A] conversation with God[.]

[N]ow there was a man who lived a long, loving faith centered life[,] and when it was time for the man to [receive] his reward in Heaven[,] he did such [without] hesitation.
When spelling 'receive', it's E before I, not the other way around. Also, 'without' is one word here, not two.

[T]he man saw the glorious gates[,] and look[ed] up to see the face of God. God told the man to enter the kingdom, but the man stalled for a moment. [T]he Lord asked the man what was puzzling him[,] so the man asked [replied] "Lord[,] you are all good yet [y]ou allow so much death and hatred into the world, why?"
'Replied' makes more sense than 'asked', in this context.

[T]he Lord did not [hesitate with] his answer and said m "my foolish foolish son[,] even when you see you do not beilieve. [Whenever] one person died[,] I sent two in their place. [W]henever ten people hated[, a] thousand people loved. [W]henever it rained for a day[,] I sent sunshine for a day. [A]nd [wherever] two or three were gathered in my name[,] I was with you[.]
The correct spelling is 'hesitate' not 'hasitate'. The correct spelling for 'whereever' is 'wherever'.

Final Thoughts:
The first part is easy; correct all your punctuation, spelling, and capitalization mistakes. The second part is a little harder. After you fix the obvious errors, take some time, think about what you can add, then do so. I will happily clear my current rating, and give you a better one if you fix your mistakes. Please fix the obvious mistakes immediately. You can improve the content when you are ready, but there's no reason for there to be so many mistakes in this piece, when they are so easily fixable.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

Hi stormwarden,

Overall Impression:
This is beautifully written piece. There is a clear sense of worn out and jaded, as pictured in the old man, and the sense of rejuvenation that comes to him, as the man and woman remind him of his youth.

Favorite Line(s):
And there, at the end of all things, he has the innocent eyes of a child once more.
As the reader, I can almost feel the same sense of rejuvenation that the old man must have felt.

Style and Voice:
Like his body, his eyes are not what they once were. Rheumy now with age, and unsure, they peer fitfully out into the night.
I chose this as an example of your style because your descriptions and characters are woven together. There is no separation between the two.

Areas of Improvement:
The triple spacing is excessive; stick to single space. I'm seeing as much white space as I'm seeing text.

Grammar and Mechanics
Below, listed within the paragraphs, you'll notice I use brackets [ ], to indicate when something needs to be added, or replaced in a sentence. I've also noted areas where do to omission or addition of a word, or odd phrasing, certain passages don't sound right. There is a complicated set of rules as to when commas or necessary. I suggest playing it by ear. Look at the suggestions I've made below, and sound it out.

Paragraph 1:
Huddled in an old blanket and older clothes, their aroma [is] barely masked by the cold.
Whose aroma are you talking about here, the blanket and clothes? Assuming you mean the blankets and clothes, the sentence sounds incomplete without the addition of 'is'.

Paragraph 3:
When the old bell tower creaks into life, and twelve sonorous beats fill the silent streets.
The way the sentence comes across, I expect to see a third part. Lose the word 'and', and this will read like a complete sentence.

And wonders whether, when he is gone, will anyone notice his passing? Especially all those he once knew, now long gone and far away?
He wonders whether anyone, especially all those he once knew, now long gone and far away, will notice his passing when he's gone.
I'm not entirely sure how to reconcile these two questions. The questions are awkwardly phrased. This is the best suggestion I could come up with offhand.

Paragraph 5:
When into his solitude[,] the sounds of footsteps intrude.

He cranes his neck[,] and stares out into the gloomy street, strangely unafraid, for there is no menace in the sound, only a sense of vague promise.

Paragraph 6:
After what seems like an eternity[,] he becomes aware of two people before him.

For a while they stand and watch him when, as if a secret signal has been passed and received, the man produces several coloured balls[,] and begins to juggle.

Paragraph 7:
Behind the man[,] the woman weaves her hands above her head[,] and from her fingertips showers of silvery stars burst forth, soar briefly and drift gently back down.

Like softly glowing snow[, t]hey settle on the old man[']s upturned eyes[,] and he is amazed that there is no pain, only warmth.
This should be one sentence.

Final Thoughts:
Not much to add beyond what I'm already stated. Focus on clarity of your statements, and better use of punctuation, and your stories will improve drastically.

Keep writing,
Lightbringer

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 

Hi Complexity, this will be the 5th story I've read by you, and it is by far your best work I've seen.

Overall Impression:
I really liked the way you put this story together. The story within a story is always nice to see in writing. Add to that the struggles of a writer trying to overcome writers block, and not being a hack, and it's that much better. The ending really did it for me. I did not see that coming. Combining the writer's fiction with reality was a brilliant twist. If not for the minor grammatical issues, I'd be tempted to give this 5 stars.

Favorite Line(s):
“That’s odd,” Tony said, getting up to answer the door. “We don’t usually have callers at this time of night, old boy.”
He opened the door to the sight of a man collapsing to the ground, quite obviously dead. Behind it stood a horrific creature, its devilish eyes glowing brightly at the sight of its next victim.
For the same reasons I stated above. Brilliant twist.

Areas of Improvement:
And what? The clock struck twelve, [as] he finished his drink[,] and debated whether to quit for the night.

Having finished his drink, he decided to venture to the kitchen for some biscuits[,] in case any inspiration hit upon him in the process.

He hammered furiously on the door, then turned, and [as he] saw his pursuer a little way up the street, its Mephistophelian eyes shining in the excitement of the chase.

Final Thoughts:
I really enjoyed reading this. If you continue to produce more stories of this quality, you're way ahead of the game.

Overall Impression:
Well, reading this was a bit of a trip. Certainty brought out a taste of the crazy in talking to one's self. I was initially going to give you a 3.5, but after a bit of consideration I decided to give this a 4. The reason for the higher rating is because of realism. While I don't think thoughts like what you have written run through most peoples heads, implying our inner thoughts are chaotic, is a lot more realistic than pretending the mind is an ordered thing.

Areas of Improvement:
Mostly I pointed out what I found to be obvious issues with punctuation. Because this is someone's inner thoughts, I let a couple things slide.

Paragraph 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 :
No time for promotion, always, demotion.
The second comma is unnecessary.

Okay, no wonder I was late[.] Train collisions don't happen often[;] I'd best call a taxi.
these ideas need to be separated more clearly, which is why I added the period and semi-colon.

Eileen, she was always the most weirdest girl at work. All I can do to that lobby-girl, is smile and wave.
Never use 'most' when ending a word with -est. Also, the comma is unnecessary.

Wait, that[']s not my boss.
Missing apostrophe.

Walking home[;] happy day. My two dogs are waiting! Chloe, the St. Bernard and Milkbone, the Chihuahua. Work was great today[;] no problemo. On the stress scale, I'd be at -34982768290768504276852409650276, [i]f I wanted to.
The semi-colons are neccessary to point out connected ideas that can otherwise be written as seperate sentences.

Final Thoughts:
Interesting concept. Definitely not what I'm used to seeing. Points for a unique story approach. Good work. If you have any questions, send me a reply.

Overall Impression:
The description was really good. The words were very powerful. The only reason I dropped my rating was because of the mistakes. This is a really short piece, there's no reason for there to be as many errors as I found. Your imagery is wonderful, but you need to proof your own work. Fix your mistakes, and this will be easily worthy of high ratings.

Areas of Improvement:
Mostly Punctuation. There are a number of missing commas and semi-colons that are needed. Also, the title should read "At World's End", unless you're referring to two or more worlds.

The sky was dark, the air cold[,] quivering our dried lips.

The monsters were in our hearts this night[,] filled with lust and rage. The life that led us here made us cringe with disdain[;] we spit to clear our mouths of the foul taste. Regret, it casts its long shadow to consume hope. The carnage of our ancestors lay before us[,] as we, the youth, stare on with utter banality.

It had happened before. It always happens before, so our blank faces adjust to the darkness and our feet stumbled on.
It always happens before? Wouldn't it make more sense to say it will happen again? To quote the first line of Disney's Peter Pan, "All of this has happened before, and it will all happen again." It will always happen before doesn't make sense. This line definitely needs a bit of rephrasing.

What we will never gain here in our tattered clothes, lost to the irreparable silence of a world gone dead.
There's something off about this line. It's reads as incomplete, but I'm not sure what to suggest. I feel like there should be some further reference to what it is we will never gain.