|Hi, Bubblegum Jones:
I promised I was going to visit your port and do a reading and a review. Here I am reading your ghost story.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
I believe in ghosts or spirits hanging out with the living, albeit, unseen or invisible. The Bible confirms this phenomenon. Do you read the Bible? Read Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."
Indeed, there are seers, diviners, mediums, psychics, channellers, fortune-tellers, palm readers, prophets and prophetesses like your sister-in-law who are gifted with clairvoyance with extra-sensory perception. Sometimes, they can use it for good but most of the time, they use it for evil and wicked things. It's up to us to discern the difference between the forces of good and evil.
As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and in observance of standard American-English usage in writing:
"...other [then][than] it did happen in the United States of America."
[A][As a] matter of fact both roads and towns in this area are named after Indian terms and words.
Tobacco and warm weather crops were farmed throughout the whole area.[Ha, ha, ha. This is your give-away, Bubblegum Jones. It is North Carolina, right? NC is at the top of the ten tobacco-producing States.]
These [house][houses] are constructed very well to hold up throughout the test of time.
" because of [100 year ][100-year]flood plains...." [Use of ellipsis]
and I cleared at least 30 to 40 years of neglect and growth out of that back yard. [Presentation of Numbers]
15 feet [Presentation of Numbers]
around 30 [truck loads][truckloads][Presentation of Numbers]
[sister in law] [sister-in-law]
[ two story house] [ two-story house]
There were three little boys, and this Nanny would put them [as a form of punishment] into a dumb-waiter, which is like a little elevator to move items from floor to floor.
[Transpose: There were three little boys, and this Nanny would put them into a dumb-waiter, as a form of punishment, which is like a little elevator to move items from floor to floor.]
"...this was [alot][a lot] of work..."
"... must[ of][have] been the case."
Even after death[,] these three little boys were still being treated mean by the Nanny.[Insert comma]
the ghost of a white [dig ][dog]follows around behind "ME" when I come over.[Typo]
stair case [staircase] [Compound word]
2 year old [ 2-year-old ]
50 years old.[fifty-years old.]
[though out] [throughout ]
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Most importantly, using dialogue breaks the monotony of plain narration.
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away
This story can come alive and hook the reader by applying dialogue. Do more showing rather than telling. You have plenty of materials here to carry on a conversation which reveals the inner workings of the unknown and the supernatural entities present in our surroundings without our awareness.
Write away, Bubblegum Jones. Then revisit your work and revise. Polish - tweak - Discard - Redo. It's a lot of hard work but it pays off in the end.
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