QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns's (geomayr) Reviews

QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

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1,114 Public Reviews Given

1,117 Total Reviews Given

101

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#4518712

Review of Christmas Traditions

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi, Diane:

Click on the fancy snow image to join us in reviewing the WdC Community

Here we are gathering for our Super Power Winter Fun Review Raid. Let me be the first one to pick on this piece to raid and offer you a review to share the spirit of camaraderie and Christmas cheer.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Looks fine.

*Content
For Andrea, David's proposal was a difficult change to make but reasonable minds prevailed and the couple decided to please her mother and father for the time being. Until they can find a pleasant way to present the changes to her mother and father, they will have to maintain the status quo. I find David to be understanding and tolerant which bodes well for the couple's loving relationship.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and Spelling go, I did not come across any awkward wording that made me pause or cause my brow to raise a tad. This short story is well-written.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. They make the story move and relatable. This scenario is so poignant in today's family affairs. Our hearts break when we hear or see conflicts arise with sharing time especially during the holidays and special occasions involving visitation.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
There is never an ideal way to break a family tradition. It creates havoc with the family nucleus. But when a husband and wife can be reasonable and meet half-way, the battle is won.

My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.

Signature image for finalists in the 2016 Quill Awards

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102

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#4518693

Review of Gifts #1

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, Steph:

Here we are gathering for our Super Power Winter Fun Review Raid. Let me be the first one to pick on this piece to raid and offer you a review to share the spirit of camaraderie and Christmas cheer.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Looks fine.

*Content
This is a story with lots of twists and turns and seeming complications that makes the reader hang on to every word said by each character. And from Tyler's point of view, the main narrator in this chapter, the reader is hooked by the nose from beginning to end. I like the implications and innuendos injected to create eagerness on the part of the reader to discover what makes Tyler tick.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and Spelling go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need fixing for clarity and readability:

“Why do you hang around her [Tail]? [Out of curiosity, why do you use an upper case for the word, "tail?"

“Let me see your [manger],” insisted my mother. [Did you mean manager?]

“Now[.]” added my mother, fire in her voice.[Replace period with comma.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Your characters have come alive, making the story move because of your use of actual conversations. I'm impressed with your mastery of this technique.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This incident reminds me so much of the movie, "Pretty Woman." Julia Roberts was looked down upon by the sales clerks at a high-end boutique because of how she looked. People do have preconceived notions of the status of a person by their appearance, their mannerisms, and their regional accents. I believe people today are more aware of people's feelings and they are more polite and accepting of diversity.

Nice story to rein in a Christmas spirit and goodwill in our diverse environment.

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103

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#4518435

Review of A Childhood Memory

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, Austyn Dewaele:

Here we are gathering for our Super Power Winter Fun Review Raid. Let me be the first one to pick on this piece to raid and offer you a review to share the spirit of camaraderie and Christmas cheer.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting

*Content
How did you skip childhood? Did you have a traumatic life event that changed your life completely? How sad to know your growing up was erased completely for some unknown reason. How are you doing today? What period in your life do you remember after the blackout? Perhaps if you keep writing, little tidbits of memories might come back and give you pleasure in recalling them one image at a time. It can be therapeutic and healing for you.

Was there a break-up in the family nucleus that catapulted your loss of memory? What happened to your relationship with your brother? Were you separated and never reconnected? Have you found each other as adults?

I encourage you to keep writing. Every drop of ink on paper may trigger your brain waves to cull out reprised images waiting to be recalled.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, and Spelling go, I did not notice anything that seem awkward or caused my brow to raise. Well put and organized.

*Dialogue
If anything, I would recommend employing dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. A direct conversation between you and your brother or a kind remark from the store clerk would bring the story alive and relatable to the reader.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Your accounting of that memorable school day on a wintery day is nicely narrated here. I like your style and your voice. Keep writing to allow the inner recesses of your memory bank to come out and reveal hidden treasures. You owe it to yourself to get a hold of those treasures.

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104

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#4516930

Review of Itchy Feet

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi, Myles Abroad:

~Click here to join a fun reviewing group~

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This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep a retired person like me occupied. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Formatting
Looks fine.

*Content
I like the author's voice and style. I can see the scene vividly and hear the voice of all three characters from the dialogue employed. They sound so natural and realistic.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling go, this work is flawless. I looked here, there, and the other: I cannot find a mistake to chew on.

*Dialogue
The author's employment of dialogue made this short story move and engaging. Great job.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observation will enhance your confidence in your writing ability. Keep in mind, though, that is from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. Other readers and reviewers may have a different perspective that does not necessarily harmonize with mine.

*Over-all take away
I must say this is one of the best flash fiction story I have read and enjoyed. It could be because my father had itchy feet too and friends and family called him "Johnny Walker" for it.

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105

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#4515269

Review of Dear Me

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi, Fyndorian:

Image #2194837 over display limit. -?-

Swinging by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Sunday in my little world, I hope to find this Dear Me letter my inspiration to get back into the swing of things. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

*Content
I do see myself in this letter. I can identify my procrastination with multiple excuses to keep me from moving ahead with pending projects. They're just waiting for me to sit down and restart in earnest.

Indeed, this is giving me the impetus to lay aside all those seeming valid excuses. In fact, the first thing I will do after I am done with this review is to write a Dear Me letter myself. I am going to face the challenge head-on. Thank you for opening my mind and giving me a push. I truly need it.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and Spelling go, I did not notice anything that raise my brow or gave me a pause. Keep in mind, though, that this is from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. Other reviewers may find something I did not see.

*Over-all take away
Thank you for opening my eyes and showing me where I am wanting through your example.
I hope to be able to organize my thoughts and propel my writing endeavor unhitched!

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106

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#4514428

Review of The Dark Night

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi, Nikola:

Image #2194837 over display limit. -?-

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Tuesday morning. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing and worth a peek. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Looks fine.

*Content
Good introduction to a mystery. It started slow, for me, at first. But, as the narrative went deeper into it, the change of scene (from mundane to horrific) made me shudder. Now, I want to know the what, why, and how this horrific event happened. This cliffhanger is a page-turner, Nikola.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, and Spelling go,
I did not notice any writing violations that made me pause or raise my brow.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. (Caveat: Perhaps, it's too early to inject or employ dialogue in this introductory chapter.)

*Disclaimer
Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. Other reviewers may have different take away on this presentation.

*Over-all take away
Be encouraged. I see a mystery in the making here. You have the talent to deliver a mystery in a skillful way. Hope I can read the continuation of this project you're working on, Nikola.

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107

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#4514422

Review of Why is it My Responsibility?

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, waynemart:

Image #2194837 over display limit. -?-

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Tuesday morning. Fortunately for you, I find this essay from random Read and Review interesting and worth a peek. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Looks fine.

*Content
Good presentation. Well organized thoughts and easy to follow. I totally agree with your line of reasoning. Wish people would see this welfare mentality defeating their sense of worth as you and I see it.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

There were 30 of us in my high school senior class; 15 boys and 15 girls.(See Presentation of Numbers)

Presentation of Numbers
Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference has to say about the presentation of numbers.

Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will, therefore, be presented as words.

2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

4) Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.

5) Percentages: In business, technical, and scientific contexts, use a numeral followed by the % symbol or the word percent:34%; 56%.
In other contexts, the number and the word percent should be spelled out: thirty-five percent; forty percent, etc.

In other words, we were all white-privileged kids with [no reasons][no reason] to fail as adults.[Agreement in number]

Of the 30 thirty, and all through high school, there were at least 5 five of [us] who were cut-ups and never turned in homework, completed assignments, or participated in activities. [They did their][We did our] best to interrupt classes and made it hard for the smarter kids to learn anything. [Switch in POV (Point of View)]

robing the rich to give to the poor [robbing] [misspelling]

*Dialogue
Not applicable in this essay.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your line of thought, reasoning and presentation. Like I say at the outset, I am with you in this issue. It is unfortunate that some people believe they are entitled; moreover, our bureaucracy encourages this mentality as well for no other than political expediency.

At any rate, keep writing. You are expressing yourself in writing well.

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108

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#4512972

Review of Locket

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi, Joy:

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Swinging by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Monday morning, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review worth a peek. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Looks fine.

*Content
I believe in the existence of spirits, which some people refer to as ghosts. I have my own stories to tell. This story is almost as realistic as many ghost stories through the ages.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Situated in the suburbs of New Orleans, it looked quite pleasant from the outside with[,][delete] balconies, porches and wrought iron railings.

Encased in an exquisite garden with climbing ivies and rosebushes[,][insert] it gave the impression of a coquettish lady about to take on a flirtation.

Yet, Sylvia loved her house, so much so [,][insert]that she wouldn’t leave it unattended even for [a][insert] few days.

Sylvia took me to visit the [Higgins][Higgin's] house.[Possessive case]

Also[,][insert] she fell in love with a locket for herself and paid quite a large sum for it.

‘This is so gross,’ I thought since I mostly read a little before dozing off.

‘It must be raining,’ I thought, ‘with a thunderstorm on the way.’

[For the two examples above, see Use of Single Quotation Marks.]

Single quotation marks enclose a quotation within a quotation. A comma or a period is always inserted before the closing single quotation mark. Here's an example:

I said to her, "Where are you going? and she answered, 'nowhere.'"

“Oh please!” [A ][a]woman’s voice said. [See Attribution -Dialogue tags are part of the sentence. Use a comma instead of a period to complete the sentence. In the above snippet, use lower case for the article a]

[This may just be a fluke or a victim of auto-spellcheck because you've been punctuating your dialogue properly all throughout.]

He also took her baby away and wouldn’t give it to her unless she returned that locket[,][insert] which was used to belong to the husband’s mother.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a trip! You're so brave to engage in a meaningful conversation with a ghost. I would probably freeze for good.

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109

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#4512205

Review of I Don't Want Orange Juice and Cookies

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi,Thankful Sonali:

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This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Wednesday in my corner of the woods. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting Looks fine.

*Content The three elements of a short story, which are: beginning, middle, and end are satisfactory. Albeit, there are areas that may need polishing such as:
1) How did a seven-year-old get to the police station? Was it just across the street from her home or a walking distance a child can easily run to? As the narrator said her mother instructed her to go to the police if she ever needed help.
2) Why was eating "cookies" and drinking "a tetra-pack of orange juice" such a big secret to her?
These are, at least, two questions a reader (like me) would entertain and maul over.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, and Spelling go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Gary always did [was][what] he was not supposed to do, and got away with it by smiling.[Replace]

seven year old [See rule in presentation of numbers]seven-year old

Presentation of Numbers
Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference has to say about the presentation of numbers.

Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will, therefore, be presented as words.

2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

4) Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.

5) Percentages: In business, technical, and scientific contexts, use a numeral followed by the % symbol or the word percent:34%; 56%.
In other contexts, the number and the word percent should be spelled out: thirty-five percent; forty percent, etc.

Amanda hardly waited for the real car to turn out of the driveway before getting her toy [one][Delete] out.

In her excitement, she had forgotten that[,] of course[,] Gary would see her from his window and come over.[Enclose with comma]

There was[a][Insert] lot wrong.

The car was ruined[,][Delete] though, thanks to Gary. [Separating "though" from the first clause is choppy.]

Adults were stupid, anyway, they didn't [recognise][recognize] sounds in the night the way that children did.[In the context of the paragraph, this subordinating clause sounds like an internal dialogue. Are you attributing this thinking-out-loud to Amanda or the narrator? You might opt to italicize this for clarity and readability.]

*Dialogue
Injecting dialogue here and there gives life to the narrative. It breaks down the monotony of straight telling. It shows your characters interacting with each other. Well done in this area.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Nice work. A slight revision may be called for to smoothen transitions from one scene to the next. Go for it, Thankful Sonali. You got what it takes to be a writer.

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#4511967

Review of The Granson Place

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi, W.D. racula:

Image #2194837 over display limit. -?-
Swinging by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on the eve of Halloween night, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review worth a peek. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Looks fine.

*Content
What a morbid, gruesome, and horrific story you presented so well. You described your vivid imagination realistically, placing your reader where you are, and making your reader see the same images you see.

Three paragraphs towards the end of the story, you said this: "This time he didn't look so mean. In the morning light, I could tell he was just an old man. But he was smiling."

This gave me a pause because your trip to the Granson House was at night in the thick of darkness. When you went back escorted by the police officers, did you stay there until the break of dawn to be able to see the old man's gait and demeanor? You might want to tweak this a tad with some kind of a transition from darkness to light.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

if I had trusted [to] my instincts,[delete]

Instead, I found myself speeding after the taillights of Ralph Neimer's Ford Mustang[,][Insert comma] as it tore through the veil of darkness that hung like folded wings over the old Polk Road that wound down toward the infamous Grandson Place.[Sentence too long. Break it down to two for brevity]

But even as I was about to quit, Ralph's car began to slow, and we came to the dead-end[,][Insert comma] which turned into a wide turnaround in front of the old Grandson property.

Hanging around with Ralph got me noticed . . . especially by the girls.[See Use of ellipsis]
If a house could be said to have a human attitude, an emotional aspect, then this house was angry, very angry . . . furious, in fact.[See Use of ellipsis]

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.
If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

Note: I noticed you've been applying ellipsis properly in your dialogues. These two examples I pointed out maybe just a fluke. At any rate, I thought it might be beneficial to point this out for future reference.

All of [the][a] sudden the night seemed darker than it had been when we first arrived, and the mansion looked more threatening.[Replace]

It took a while before I realized it was my own." [Delete misplaced close quotation marks.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogues showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. I was there with you all the way in the middle of this morbid, horrific experience.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Excellent writing presentation, W.D. racula. You did your homework.

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#4511837

Review of A Living Nightly Scare

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi, PureSciFi:

Image #2194837 over display limit. -?-

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Monday afternoon. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
My heart goes out to Norlia as she makes a journal of her lonely young life. If I was her angel, I would redirect her thoughts to how blessed she has been all these years having a taste of different lifestyles and relationships that adds to her character building. I wish Norlia better days ahead: a winning attitude, not a defeatist streak.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readabilty:

Sometimes I wished [her] could be my second family, but I know he can’t.[Replace with "he."]

The third one, however, was very bad.[Insert commas]

When I went down [their][there] one night to eat[,][Insert comma] my second parents asked me who I was[,][Insert comma] I knew I needed to contact Thoim. [Use comma for clarity and readability.]

I wished [Juttan] was one of them, but [it’s][he's] not.[Replace the pronoun for consistency.]

The food I ate was good, and was allowed to make some friends in that part of Juttan.[There's an avoidable twist here that needs fixing. Now the reader sees Juttan as a place not a person. You might need to tweak this a tad to avoid confusion.]

These are just examples that need fixing. Look your work over for missing punctuation marks to enhance clarity and readability.

*Dialogue
Using italics for your internal dialogue is a good way to go about it. You're doing very well in this area.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good exercise, PureSciFi. Keep writing and reading to see the nuances in writing for clarity and readability.

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#4511830

Review of Green With Envy

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi, Elisa:

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Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Looks good.

*Content
Your use of dialogue shows action and moves the story along.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
Flawless. Good command of the rules.

Spelling
I did not notice any misspellings or typos.

Here are two snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity:

"Probably an Imperfect, then. [Just curious. Why use upper case for the first letter in "imperfect?"]

At least Imperfects had to eat something to supplement their sunbathing.[What's the connection or explanation in using the upper case letter of the word "imperfect?"]

Note: Although I am pointing the above out for an explanation or clarification, I will not take a point off from a 5-Star rating here.

*Dialogue
I'm impressed at your expertise in employing dialogue in this exercise.I see how flawless your use of punctuation marks are in direct quotes. I don't see too many around. In fact, this is the first one I have noticed so far. Good job, Elisa.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good story. I like the brevity and smooth transition from one scene to the other. I enjoy reading stories when the author does her/his homework just like you have demonstrated here. Keep up the good work.

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#4506667

Review of In His Presence

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

What a beautiful poem. Thank you, Jim, for sharing.

I, too, feel the Lord’s warm embrace every time he sees me tear up when I “look before and after and pine for what is not...” That is a quote from Percy Bysshe Shelley’s poem, which speaks profoundly of my emotions with the passing of the love of my life. His poem continues this way: “Our sincerest laughter with some pain is fraught: our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.”

His presence dries my tears away and I see the beauty all around me. Indeed, he walks with me and talks with me along life’s narrow way. I live for Jesus day after day.

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#4497281

Review of Into the Great Unknown

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, Moderator:

Cupcake#6 assigned you to me to look into your activities with WDC and to give you a review. So, here I am, eagerly and excitedly surfing through your port, hunting for an interesting manuscript to chew and digest for breakfast on the last day of our Twelfth Power Reviewers Anniversary celebration.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Indeed, you have become a creative writer after years of technical writing in your profession.

My amusing first thought on this: "Although the corpse exhibited no wounds, there wasn’t a drop of blood in his veins." [ It must have been a mannequin.]

But that initial cynicism was negated by the next two victims' cause of death. I must turn the page and find an answer. When Sherman became the fourth victim, that opened up the real horror for Otis to dig and unveil.

This is profound: "This extrasensory perception helped me realize that the soul of Sherman Helms had been sucked from his mortal flesh through the point of contact where his finger touched the mouse into some unknown dimension beyond space and time."

Good hook, Commish. You had me by the nose, leading me on, to satisfy my curiosity right to the end.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, I found a couple of minor infractions which can be easily remedied. And here they are. I cut and pasted them for reference:

"...whose lifeless form was found by her college roommate[,] Angela Moreno [,]upon returning from a night on the town with some friends on the night of April 30.
[Enclose a proper noun in commas if the sentence is complete without it.]

“What was that, Sherm?....Sherm?”
Uses of Ellipsis

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.)
When do we use a period after ellipsis?
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. That's where the action is. Well done.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like the voice of the narrator. Relentlessly pursuing his investigation finally revealed the mystery, albeit, on account of his investigative partner who became the fourth victim in the scheme of things. However, my heart sank when Otis, the narrator, became a victim as well, who fortunately survived but unfortunately landed in the asylum of the insane.

Write away, Commish. Great mystery work. Entertaining horror story; and, almost credible.
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#4497165

Review of My Family by Melissa Jackson

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, ikiyasama:

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to random Read and Review with My Family by Melissa Jackson waving at me for attention. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You got me hooked right off the bat, ikiya. This is an interesting and amusing read. I have heard friends and acquaintances say Blacks are more racists than any other colored people they know, especially in the south. I had no comment. I just listen because I really never had any close interaction with black people. And I always get along with my Black friends and co-workers.

So, this story confirms what I've been hearing. Thanks for validating the hearsays I heard before. This essay is indeed informative, as well as, entertaining.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need minor fixes and tweaking for clarity, readability and in observance of standard American-English usage of the written word:

My grandpa is completely deaf...well almost. [Use of ellipsis]

I can never bring them home...at least when he's in town.[Use of ellipsis]

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.

If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

I do have to point out that the rest of the narrative where ellipsis is used is done correctly. These two must have just slipped. And you know, I am just as guilty as you or anybody else. So, noticing these slip-ups also benefits me.

Well, it was the put-put-put and then bang! [Of][of] my father's 87 Cadillac finally choking on its last breath as it drove up the street.

[cacaphony][cacophony] [Spelling]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Well done, ikiya.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You're a great story-teller. Truth, honesty, and self-deprecation always gets a reader's attention. I couldn't stop grinning over this humorous account.

Write away. ikiya. You're got the knack with humor.
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#4496970

Review of You Want To Read Something Really Scary?

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, Bubblegum Jones:

I promised I was going to visit your port and do a reading and a review. Here I am reading your ghost story.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I believe in ghosts or spirits hanging out with the living, albeit, unseen or invisible. The Bible confirms this phenomenon. Do you read the Bible? Read Ephesians 6:12 "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

Indeed, there are seers, diviners, mediums, psychics, channellers, fortune-tellers, palm readers, prophets and prophetesses like your sister-in-law who are gifted with clairvoyance with extra-sensory perception. Sometimes, they can use it for good but most of the time, they use it for evil and wicked things. It's up to us to discern the difference between the forces of good and evil.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and in observance of standard American-English usage in writing:

"...other [then][than] it did happen in the United States of America."

[A][As a] matter of fact both roads and towns in this area are named after Indian terms and words.

Tobacco and warm weather crops were farmed throughout the whole area.[Ha, ha, ha. This is your give-away, Bubblegum Jones. It is North Carolina, right? NC is at the top of the ten tobacco-producing States.]

These [house][houses] are constructed very well to hold up throughout the test of time.

" because of [100 year ][100-year]flood plains...." [Use of ellipsis]

and I cleared at least 30 to 40 years of neglect and growth out of that back yard. [Presentation of Numbers]

15 feet [Presentation of Numbers]

around 30 [truck loads][truckloads][Presentation of Numbers]

[sister in law] [sister-in-law]

[ two story house] [ two-story house]

There were three little boys, and this Nanny would put them [as a form of punishment] into a dumb-waiter, which is like a little elevator to move items from floor to floor.
[Transpose: There were three little boys, and this Nanny would put them into a dumb-waiter, as a form of punishment, which is like a little elevator to move items from floor to floor.]

"...this was [alot][a lot] of work..."

"... must[ of][have] been the case."

Even after death[,] these three little boys were still being treated mean by the Nanny.[Insert comma]

the ghost of a white [dig ][dog]follows around behind "ME" when I come over.[Typo]

stair case [staircase] [Compound word]

2 year old [ 2-year-old ]

50 years old.[fifty-years old.]

[though out] [throughout ]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Most importantly, using dialogue breaks the monotony of plain narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This story can come alive and hook the reader by applying dialogue. Do more showing rather than telling. You have plenty of materials here to carry on a conversation which reveals the inner workings of the unknown and the supernatural entities present in our surroundings without our awareness.

Write away, Bubblegum Jones. Then revisit your work and revise. Polish - tweak - Discard - Redo. It's a lot of hard work but it pays off in the end.
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#4496960

Review of STAR WARS: FRIENDLY-FIRE Chapter 7

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi, :

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to random Read and Review with Star Wars: Friendly-Fire Chapter 7 waving at me for attention. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Following general rules to make Layout and look professional, here are pointers for future reference (if the writer's ultimate goal is to be published):
Use 12-point type
Use a serif font; the most common choice is Times Roman/Double-space manuscript

*Content
Wow! This is an action-packed chapter. What really impressed me about this unemotional story on the battlefield is the Commander's tears that poured out as he reported the success to the Emperor. He had feelings. After all, he was at war with his own siblings and killed them all to show loyalty to his Master!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and in observance of the standard American-English rules in writing:

([Legends and Canon material alike] the Characters, the Planets, events, ships, Gear, etc. [Mentioned][mentioned] in this story). [I can see this uppercase in "mentioned" was unintentional. It's only because what preceded it is a period.]

[angerly][angrily][Archaic]

"Leave it." Said the Sergeant.[Fix punctuation marks in attribution.]
"'Ship's E.T.A...two minutes." Said Fixer.[Fix punctuation marks in attribution.]

Attribution
Dialogue tags are part of the sentence. Use a comma instead of a period to complete the sentence.

Use of Ellipsis
The Interrogation Room shook from the explosion...then there was only silence...[Use of ellipsis]

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.

If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

I do want to acknowledge that for the most part, you have used the ellipsis correctly. This one just slipped your hawk-eye! Similarly, the same is true with your application of punctuation marks in dialogue. Some were done correctly and some slipped by. Consistency is our marching order, right?

Traitors [of][or] not, they were still our brothers." [Replace. Typo]

"[You're][Your] Majesty." Said the Clone Commander.[Replace. Typo]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It hooks the reader and makes the reader involved in the action. Good job, Darth-Slayer.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a great action-packed chapter with suspenseful and thrilling scenes. This seems to be the genre you're specializing in. Great work, Darth-Slayer.

Write away!
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#4496940

Review of Dead Weight

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi, J.E. Allen:

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to random Read and Review with Dead Weight waving at me for attention. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Do I understand correctly that Morris landed in this hellish condition for accidentally killing a young mother and her child, as well as, killing himself because he was driving under the influence of alcohol? That seems to be what I can gather over-all.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks and Spelling are concerned, I looked before and after for writing violations to pin on you. If there's any, they escaped me. This is well-written as far as I can see. I'm impressed at your good command of the written English language.

*Dialogue
My only suggestion to enhance human interaction is to employ dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and make the characters alive and real.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your organization and development of scenario to hook your reader. Keep up your writing endeavors. You're good for it.
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#4496917

Review of Writings for Martell

for entry "Story Prompt: Rewrite a fairy tale"

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi, Maryann:

It's dessert time after feasting with party animals at the Twelfth Anniversary of Superpowers Reviewer's Raid.
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And I choose this cupcake for my sweet tastebuds.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a nice modern-day adaptation of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs children's story with the evil Queen as the antagonist. Using Google as the mirror, this story lends itself to our electronic cyberspace playground where our children are entertained from sunrise to sundown. I am impressed with your creativity, Maryann.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation Marks and Spelling are concerned,
I looked before and after for any writing violations. I couldn't point my finger on a single infraction. So, let's leave it at that.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and give life to your fairy tale. Well done, Maryann.

*Disclaimer
Be aware though, that the above input comes from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. Other reviewers may have a different take away depending on their expertise in wordsmithing.

*Over-all take away
This is very entertaining. Children will love these kinds of reading matter to pore over and pass the time.

Write away, Maryann.
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#4496912

Review of Writings for Martell

for entry "Flash Fiction Story Prompt: It isn't necessarily dangerous.."

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi, Maryann:

So, it's desert time. I choose this deliciously inviting cupcake for my tastebuds.
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Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
A parent's concern for the welfare of his child is always a priority, especially when it comes to academic achievement for college preparation. I can see where Mark is coming from. He probably had butterflies in his stomach in anticipation of his son's valedictory delivery. I bet he was relieved when the speech was done and applause came thundered from the crowd.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, I noticed your use of ellipsis that I need to comment on. Here are two snippets I cut and pasted for reference:

Flash Fiction Story Prompt: It isn't necessarily dangerous..

"Hmmm, I don't see how he'll make it through this[.][,]" [Was][was] the reply.

["energetic.."] [I'm not sure if the two dots at the end of the sentence are ellipsis or a typo. I'll just share with you what I know about the uses of ellipsis in the event your employing ellipsis here.]

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.

If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

valedictorian speech [valedictory]

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia [are you the original creator of this word? Very creative. This word should be submitted to the Publishers of the dictionary for inclusion. I love it. Reminds me of "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." [Looks like I did not spell that right, did I?]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Well done, Maryann.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a story so poignant. Every parent has a concern when it comes to their child's performance, especially in a big crowd. I hope this valedictorian did not disappoint his father and the audience.

Nice exercise, Maryann. Write away!

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#4496708

Review of Cupid Was A Myth Until I Met Him

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, Paul:

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Cute, amusing and entertaining. Your dialogue hooked me.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, Spelling and all other nitty-gritty are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and in observance of standard American English usage:

"...then the[romans][Romans] had to have their own..."

[gods messengers][god's messengers][ Use apostrophe for possessive case]

Presentation of Numbers
You’re 50, she’s 39,
I got at 12
38 years
1am

Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.

Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will, therefore, be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.
3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.
4) Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.

“My friend [Walters][Walter's] mom. [Use apostrophe for possessive case.]

Use of ellipsis:
. . . thanks . . . Who would have guessed . . . Cupid . . .

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.

If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a delightfully entertaining story with historical significance. It entertains as well as educates and informs. Well done, Paul.

Write away.
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#4496703

Review of A mistaken identity

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi, nat:

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a dramatic scene to begin your novel. Like a famous published writer said, "Start in the middle of things. Jump into action. If you start slowly, your reader will lose interest."

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, here are snippets I cut and pasted for tweaking for clarity and readability:

Troubled by her past, a [women][woman]decides to seek out the one thing she is forbidden from. [Singular]

"Thank you for coming[,]" her voice cracked.[Missing comma inside the close quotation mark.]

"Don't thank me yet" Jason paused, and with a heavy sigh continued.[Same as previous: Missing comma inside the close quotation mark.]

"Hang on the driver yelled to the back!" [This seems to be skewed. Punctuation mark needs fixing.] Sounds more like:
["Hang on," the driver yelled to the back!]

alot [a lot][Spelling]

Well that explains alot. She thought.
[Fix the punctuation marks: "Well, that explains a lot," she thought. ] in the alternative: Italicize the internal dialogue and drop the attribution. Something like this: Well, that explains a lot.] There's no need to indicate attribution as italicization means an internal dialogue.]

severly [severely][Spelling]

"How can I forget." she said.
[Fix punctuation marks like this: "How can I forget," she said.]

Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Breaks down the monotony of narration and puts action into the story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your employment of dialogue in this story. A reader sees the story in the dialogue as shown here. To polish this writing, my suggestion would be for you to clean-up the punctuation marks associated with dialogue. I always have The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference by my side as my definitive source for clear and readable writing.

Write on, nat. You're not too far from hitting the mark. So, keep plugging along. You're good for it.
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#4496446

Review of The Souvenir

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, Rosko:

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Is this fiction or non-fiction? I hope it is fiction because if it is non-fiction, let me tell you: I loathe you for your disrespect and shameless intrusion of people's privacy. My question for you: Have you ever been caught as a practicing burglar? I hope it's the only way for you to straighten out your act as a deplorable theft. I hope and pray this narrator is redeemable.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and in observance of standard American English writing practices:

I did not dare [to ][delete]try to enter the house during the day because on the opposite side of the street lived an old woman who liked to sit on her porch and sniff around.

For me, the [theft][thievery/robbery/stealing] was more than anything[but]a hobby.[theft is a noun. Any of the three choices will do to replace the noun form.]

Without too much of a hassle.[Fragment][Revise]

My [theft] wouldn’t make much more than a small dent on their wonderful lives.[Theft is a noun, referring to a person. If you're talking about the act of stealing or the items you stole, then, use the adverb form, or in the alternative:- "The items I stole wouldn't make much more than a small dent..."

And when people sleep in separate beds ... then something bad festers.

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.

If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and keep the reader hooked.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As a writer, you have a good command of organizational and developmental skills. It's a good portrayal of a deplorable character who preys on innocent people who are minding their own business.

At any rate, keep writing as your hobby not stealing or burglarizing. The former will make you famous while the latter will make you infamous.LOL.
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#4496433

Review of The Chicken or the Egg

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi, Me~Duf:

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Nobody ever wins in this kind of exchange. That's a given. All I can think of is this: God formed Adam in his own image and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. Then, he took a rib from Adam and formed a woman to be his partner. They surely did not come from eggs. Although, when Adam and Eve procreated, there was a union of an egg and a sperm that brought out the first children to walk in the Garden of Eden with them. That's all I can add to this phenomenon.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, this is a well-written piece. Let me just point out one thing that caught my eye big time:

But to accept that as a correct theory, does it not then contradict the [bible]? [When referring to the Holy Scriptures which is the Bible, the "b" in Bible must be capitalized.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Well done.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Gosh, that discussion ended like a dud at the Fourth of July fireworks! Seriously, this age-old question will outlive us all till the end of time and will always create a lively discussion among the elitist in academia.

Write away, Me~Duf. Glad you won the contest.
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#4496388

Review of The Last Day

Review by QueenOwl ~ A Ne...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi, EnterName5312:

WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I hope you're in a much positive mood today than when you were on the last day of school. It's good to keep a journal as you have done here. It gives you something to smile about when you look back during times of uncertainty and insecurity.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Spelling
Dispite [Despite]
I only took an[occasion][occasional] break to go eat lunch...

While I was there I gave my group of stories [stapled] to the teacher[misplaced word] which I talked to [alot ] a lot]over the school year. [Awkward]

It wasn't [very] fun [at all.] [Delete and modify]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Dialogue breaks down the monotony of narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Keep writing, EnerName5312. You're on your way. Stay with it. You'll be glad you did.

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