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26
26
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I like this short story, Schnujo. It’s interesting as well as entertaining.

Here’s a sentence I copied for you to take a second look for tweaking:

“With a final wave, Jody hurried to the parking lot only to find [it] the Visitor’s Section deserted.”

This is the only sentence that sounds awkward to me. Deleting “it” can fix this minor glitch.

All in all, I totally appreciate your lively exchange with a crude senior citizen who may not be all there, to boot. Lol.

Gosh, was I relieved to know you were able to catch your ride after all!

Write on.

27
27
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Monty,

Please accept my condolence on the passing of your beloved wife. May you find comfort in the knowledge that she is resting in peace in our heavenly Father’s arms.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
28
28
Review of A Haunted House  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, WakeUp calls from yonder:

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I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - Ghostly Hallows Raid."
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I want to bring to your attention this snippet I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

[ It wasn't that big, but big enough for the both of them, her friends, and they loved living there.

When they became pregnant with their first child nothing could be more wonderful.]

The above snippet is a bit unclear and confusing: The main character of the story is supposedly Ann-Louise who did not believe in haunted houses. The second paragraph digressed into another scene which describes a big enough house for several people residing there. Who became pregnant? The foregoing paragraphs indicated Ann-Louise was a mere friend of the couple who birthed Jay and not the mother of the dead infant.

This introductory scene needs tweaking to clarify who the parents of the baby were; otherwise, the reader is left scratching his/her head.

*Element of Conflict
There is an element of conflict that needs to be redefined in detail.

*Climax
The twists and turns from one scene to the next need clear transitions to avoid an anti-climactic effect on a potentially good story.

Spelling
[immanent] [imminent] [Correct choice of word or spelling]

[Rumour] [rumor]
[Nuance in spelling between American and British style]

The child, named Jay[,] was healthy and exceptionally lively. [Insert comma]

Till day 4. [See Presentation of Numbers]

Presentation of Numbers
Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.

Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as in useful business-related, technical, and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

Family and friends gathered around to support the young couple and Ann-Louise[,] as their closest friend[,] was there every step of the way.
[Enclose in commas dependent clause.]

She was one of the friends to stay with him whenever she could[,] reciting poetry to his little vulnerable corpse.[Insert coma]

Closest family and she[,] as their best friend[,] were there putting nails in the coffin. [Insert commas as shown]

[She was] [Afraid] [afraid] in her own house, in her own bed, with her own pet.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue in critical areas where there's a call for it to show your characters interacting with each other. Plain narration bores the reader. Show your characters bantering, exchanging curt remarks. In other words, show action to help move the story and to keep your reader's interest until the climax drops.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This story has its potential to shine, sizzle, pop, and sparkle. Go back to the drawing board and revise it. The writer's secret is in revisiting and revising until the story hums!

Write away, WakeUp calls from yonder. You have it in you to restructure your story. It's a lot of work but it pays off in the end.


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29
29
Review of Am I haunted?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Gabby:

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I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - Ghostly Hallows Raid."

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This story has the potential to shine, pop, and sizzle when given special attention to essential punctuation marks, which are missing here. Additionally, employing dialogue would bring to life and action the bizarre happenings the narrator went through that one haunting day.

As far as *Mechanics/Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

But first and foremost, let me point out some kinks in this exercise that can be easily fixed:
*Separate your sentences with space after the period.
* Work on your punctuation marks by reading it and inserting a comma or period when you pause or take a breath.
* You have repeated "As you" nine times in starting a sentence in this narrative. Try to look for a substitute to avoid sounding monotonous.

Here are the examples I cut and pasted with fixes for your consideration:

[draging] [dragging]

As you tripped over [half unpacked] [half-unpacked] boxes[,] you make your way to your new kitchen ready to cook a nice ham and cheese omelette to begin your day.

You picked up your keys dismissing your thoughts you rush out the door and go to work. [This sentence is somewhat awkward. It's missing something. How about revising it this way: You picked up your keys; dismissing your thoughts, you rush out the door and go to work.

As you're working[,] you meet new people and start to get [use] [used] to the [work flow] [workflow] [,] you hear someone call your name and go over to see [hat] [what] they want.

You walk up to a cute little old lady who greets you with a kind hello and shows you to some people who would help you with your job if you need it a few more places you'd need to go because of your job and says that you can get back to work. [This sentence is rambling and it's too long. It needs pauses for clarity and readability.]

When you turn around to [unpacked] [unpack] the rest of the boxes [,] you [here] [hear] a clang and turn around to see your picture on the floor[.] [you] [You] picked it up and realized there has been a lot of weird things happening today but you just continue you to unpacked[.] [delete period] and as you unpacked you think I can't be haunted...right? [Replace ellipsis with a comma.]

Uses of Ellipsis: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

...there has been a lot of weird things happening today but you just continue [you] to [unpacked [unpack].]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. They make your story pop! Sizzle! Sparkle! And hum!

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good exercise, Gabby. Keep up the good work. Pay special attention to mechanics in wordsmithing. It's meticulous and time-consuming but it's all worth it in the end.

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30
30
Review of The Dinner Party  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Write-fully Loti :

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I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - Ghostly Hallows Raid."

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well. For example, your first paragraph was fine. Start a new paragraph with: "It was late..." Maybe you meant that to be a new paragraph but to the reader, it looks like a continuation of your introduction. This is true to this entire narrative. To fix this stumblingblock, leave a space between each new paragraph.

*Content
I like the way you introduced your characters and how it progressed into an unusual encounter with a strange woman during your bus ride. You and your friend seemed to have been hypnotized by this stranger's allure that you've been taken unaware and transported into a world of the unknown. You developed your story well from beginning to end.

As far as *Mechanics/Syntax,*Punctuation, Spelling, and all the nitty-gritty in the art of writing go, you have a good command of the written language. The area where you need polishing is in formatting, which leads to my recommendation: I would revise this for purposes of clarity and readability, observing a few rules we need to apply in our writing to enhance enjoyment for our readers:
*Make short paragraphs with one idea per paragraph
*No extra space between paragraphs
*Only one space between sentences
*If you choose to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like ***) on the line. (Some published writers suggest double spacing between paragraphs.)

*Dialogue
I see your dialogues are not highlighted nor given special attention. In order for your dialogue to stand out, make a new and separate paragraph for each speaker. (This boils back down to formatting.) I do want to give you credit for using proper punctuation marks for your direct quotes.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
How bizarre this story developed and how it ended. It gave me goosebumps! Nice job, Loti.

Write away. You have it in you to be a wordsmith.



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31
31
Review of The mystical road  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, K. HBey:
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I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - Ghostly Hallows Raid."
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
How eerie to be in her position and the predicament she's in. I would probably freeze and never recover! And she was doomed!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and the nitty-gritty of writing go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

[At] [To] her surprise, there is no policeman[,] no lights.

She assesses [looks]for a gas station where she finds herself in the desert. [Use a familiar word over an unfamiliar word.]

“Hello! Sir! Where I am?” [She][she] asks.
[Attribution: Dialogue tags are part of the sentence. Use lower case for she. Note: I think this was just a slip because the rest of your attributions were done correctly.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and provide action to a monotonous narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I hope this was only a dream and she woke up in time to save herself from a terrifying abyss.

Write away, K. HBey. You got what it takes to be a wordsmith.

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32
32
Review of The Umbrella  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, James:
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I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - Ghostly Hallows Raid."
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well organized.

*Content
I can see the recriminations and guilt feelings you carry on that has burdened you, which you expressed so poignantly. And I can see how cathartic it is for you to write how you made peace and got healed from the burden you carried. Good ending.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and the nitty-gritty of grammar go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity:

[16 year-old] [16-year-old] [I think this is just an oversight because you have done it right before this one.

“I know, Tom.” He said, and I wondered if he did know. “Say, what kind of beer did you want me to bring you. You never said.” [Attribution: A tag line is part of the sentence. Use a comma instead of a period, and, use lower case for He to complete the sentence.]

my self [myself] [I'm not sure if you separated this word intentionally or not because, in standard use, myself is one word.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It moves the story along from the conversation it unleashes.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a touching and moving story for me. I can see vividly how the scene unfolded and ended. It sounded credible except for the illusion that Pete really called to carry on a conversation after his death. But Tom could be imagining things because of his guilt and that is excusable because our minds do play tricks on us when we are writhing in grief and guilt.

Write away, James. You got what it takes to be a wordsmith.

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33
33
Review of Full Cowel!  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Monsoon:

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I am reviewing in the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group - Ghostly Hallows Raid."
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I couldn't wait to see Apollo find something to satisfy his hunger for blood.

As far as *Mechanics/Syntax, *Punctuation, Spelling and the nitty-gritty in the art of writing go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability: As these examples below show, the introductory clause needs a comma to prevent run-on sentences.

Hands in his pockets[,] Mister Apollo walked towards the noise.

He didn’t know what to expect[.] [he] [He] ran his right hand through his dense black hair slowly.

An alley way laid in front of him [.] [it] [It] had absolutely no light.

“Hello? Who’s there?” [He] [he] asks with a stern voice.
[Attribution: Dialogue tags are part of the sentence. Use the lower case for he to complete the sentence.]

[“Sorry,”][Insert comma] the criminal whispered, sweat was evaporating from his body.

Instead of fleeing[,] Apollo did the stupid thing.

With the speed of Apollo’s quirk[,] he was way faster [then] [than] this guy.

Ignition quickly turned around but before he could blast another one of his fireballs [,] Apollo grabbed his neck, smashing him to the ground.

Not planning this far ahead [,] Apollo jumped backwards.

“Pathetic,” [The] [the] wanted man said to him.

He hated [Hero’s] [heroes] and there would be no way that he would fail this attack.

He yelled with [a]anger.

“There’s no running this [time,”] he said smiling.

He was happy but he would much rather have [kill][killed] a hero instead.

By the way: Educate me. What does the word cowel mean? I cannot find it in the dictionary. There is cowell (with two lls but it is not recognized as a word. How about cower?

*Dialogue
Employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other helped move the story. Employ more of it when action is called for.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This action/adventure story would pop, sizzle, and sparkle if punctuation marks were properly inserted where they were needed. Be that as it may, Apollo won the fight, albeit, still hungry for blood. There has to be a sequel to this episode, right?


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34
34
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great idea, Elle.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to post our work that may need exposure. I will check my port to see if there is something I submitted which may need to be read and appreciated.

I haven’t been doing much writing lately. I need to get back to work and sail along; otherwise, I will lose what I have neglected to use.

See you around.

QueenOwl ~A New Day Dawns

35
35
Review of Love and Marriage  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, AJW:

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Thank you for your confidence in me to look into your work and offer you my review.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting/*Content
Gosh, the girlfriend has the audacity to come to the door and announce to the wife her affair with the wife's husband? Some bold mistress she is! And I see the wandering-eyed husband a master manipulator, offering his wife a trip to Spain on a whim. On the other hand, the wife goes out to play herself. Two wrongs don't make a right! What a bunch of characters you got here, AJW. Each character seems to have no qualms about the consequences of their actions.

*Element of Conflict You have presented your element of conflict well. It's what makes the story move. The reader may not appreciate what's going on but you have shown the twists and turns that will keep the reader turn the page.

*Climax It was a sad ending but only for Erin. Rex could care less as he was advertising with glee the miscarriage at the bar; while, Jack was on his way to meet a new date.

Spelling No issues here.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and the nitty-gritty of writing is concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

I know we it’s only been two months since we got married,[ I know this is part of a direct quotation and I can attribute this way of talking to the wife. But, was this intentional or a slip of the keys?]

Once she processed the whole situation[. She] tosses her husband’s things in the trash, then walks back inside the house.[Replace period with a comma and put she in lower case to make a complete sentence. Thus it would look this way: Once she processed the whole situation, she tosses her husband’s things in the trash, then walks back inside the house.]

“You know what, yes you can” [Don't forget your terminating dots and it should be inside the close quotation mark.]

During the next three months, Jack moves out and their divorce is finalized. [Fact-check this timeline on divorces. Usually, divorce is finalized after six months. Maybe some States do a Summary Dissolution within three months?]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away The many twists and turns were unpredictable. The most I gathered from this episode is the looseness of character and the absence of moral values in today's young people. Excuse me for being judgmental here. I suppose I am old-fashioned and still believe in commitment to marriage.

At any rate, your story works as you presented. Some areas may need transitions and lapse of time to make it credible and authentic.

Write on, AJW. You're on your way to great adventures in your writing endeavor.


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36
36
Review of Morning Miracle  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, G. B. Williams:

Shared SuperPower balloon image
It's a super-powered celebration. And I have chosen Morning Miracle to read and review. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well done.

*Content
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing such great observation of the coming of a new day dawn.

*Point of View (POV)
And then right after I drift off into my prayers and thank [you] [God] for another day, [I see a switch in POV (Point of View) Stay consistent.

As far as *Mechanics/*Syntax,*Punctuationand Spelling go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

5:00 a.m. [Presentation of Numbers: Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.

Usually, we [,] as people [,] spend a lot of time thinking about or going over our accomplishments...[Enclose as people because the sentence can stand alone without it.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away.


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37
37
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, G.B. Williams :

Shared SuperPower balloon image
It's a super-powered celebration! And I picked Living in Despair 2020 Style to read and review. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well done.

*Content
Indeed the coronavirus pandemic hit us unawares and everybody panicked! Who would have thought something so disgusting, unreasonable, and unimaginable could happen out of the blue?

For me, this is a wake-up call! A call to prepare us for our ultimate spiritual destiny. Physical and earthly preparedness is fine but have we prepared our souls and spirits for that eternal abode? Since the beginning of creation, no one or nobody has lived forever. For it is appointed unto us we are from dust and to dust, we shall return. But, our spirit goes back to our Creator and Maker who resides yonder in a heavenly place.

This desperation is temporary and passing. The greater glory cannot be compared to the agony we are going through today. So, let us take heart and be comforted. We are just passing through here on earth.

Here's a song of comfort and consolation for us who have faith in God to pull us through. It goes this way:
This world is not my home I'm just a passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beacon me from heaven's open door,
Then I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Oh, Lord, you know, I have no friend like you,
If heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do?
The angels beacon me from heaven's open door,
Then I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,and Spelling go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

That is a hold other bag.[Based on the context of the paragraph, did you mean "whole other bag" instead of "hold other bag?"

Lord [a mercy] that would make a difference, if you could just get it soon.[I don't get the gist of this cliche "a mercy" in the context of the sentence. Did you mean, "Lord, have mercy?"] Other readers may not get it as well. Perhaps you can tweak this to clear it up a tad?]

*Dialogue
Not applicable in this narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Thank you for sharing your perspective on this unprecedented lockdown and the unfortunate side effects and outcome surfacing on a day to day basis that's hitting us hard. Indeed, this unexpected pandemic has the whole world in utter desperation. All we can do is look up and lift those wandering and hungry souls for comfort and peace until He returns to take us all up with him in glory and majesty.

Write on, G. B. Williams.

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38
38
Review of The Book  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Lovina:

Shared SuperPower balloon image
It's a super-powered celebration! And I picked your story, The Book, to read and review. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well done.

*Content
You have used great creativity and imagination in your story. To imagine how a dead person thinks, reacts, and interacts with the living needs extreme creativity to make it credible and realistic. You have accomplished this part brilliantly.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling, and those nitty-gritty do's and don'ts in standard writing go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

she didn't even know when she had died...or how.

[Uses of Ellipsis: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.]


Him being such a romantic [,] it figured he would choose Valentine's Day to come and talk to her.[Insert comma]

As she watched him [,] she was thinking of one of the characters in the book, strong, sinewy, tanned from the sun, building a house for the woman he loved.[Insert comma to separate the introduction from the main clause.]

As Amanda watched Daniel dump the body into the hole [,] her memories returned. [Insert comma]

*Dialogue
This story is more of a telling than showing. I think this story can use some dialogue to show your three characters interacting with each other. Make your characters talk to each other to put action and emotion in their interaction. It will keep the interest of your reader until the end.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like the general outlook of this story. Albeit, you can make this story sizzle, pop, and whistle if you add to it the extra ingredient I mentioned under the heading Dialogue.

Keep writing, Lovina. You have the potential to shine as a wordsmith.

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, amlan:

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It's a super-powered celebration and I picked your manuscript to read and offer input. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Following general rules to make Layout and look professional, here are pointers for future reference:
Use 12-point type
Use a serif font; the most common choice is Times Roman/Double-space manuscript
No extra space between paragraphs
Only one space between sentences
Indent each paragraph half an inch (setting a tab, not using several spaces
The text should be flush right and ragged right, not justified
If you choose to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like ***) on the line
One-inch margins (the default in Word)
Caveat: For the limited scope of formatting in this forum, you don't have to observe all these in to-to. The important consideration here is paragraphing for clarity and readability to make our writing reader-friendly, inviting, and enjoying.

*Content
Thank you for sharing your wonderful experience as a Cabin Crew. This story is touching and it reverberates in our hearts, whenever we see it, hear it, or read about it.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and all the nitty-gritty go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

When I did my masters in anthropology in the early years of 1985/86[,] we had a subject on Human Behavior.[Insert comma]

Every behavioral stimuli [stimulus] elucidates a different action and no two actions are similar even though the stimuli may be the same…..

[Uses of Ellipsis: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

With this logic [,] the later experiences come first [,] and hence this one is from the later pages of my log.[Insert comma.]

" actually was thinking if you could help me urinate"....... [See Uses of Ellipsis]

The above are just samples of areas where you need to work on. Take a second look at your work and make corrections and improvements for clarity and readability. The human element and compassion in your experience is a beautiful story to publish.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. What you need to do is learn how to use punctuation marks to make your dialogue stand out.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I am impressed at how fluent you are in English. What you need to work on is the use of punctuation marks to polish your writing skills. Keep up the good work you started.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, LegendaryMask:
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It's August SuperPowered Celebration and we're here to celebrate! Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well done.

*Content
This is a cute and entertaining story of children. I like the special attention Jackie and Jeff afforded the kids playing down at the beach, building a snowman where it never snows.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and the nitty-gritty of writing go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity:

He nodded [his head] and grabbed the camera as they went.[Omit needless words]

"Is the camera rolling?" she asked [Jeff]. [No need to mention Jeff. Obviously the conversation is only between Jackie and Jeff.]

She agreed with a nod [of her head].[Omit needless words]

I'm impressed at your skill in using punctuation marks with your dialogue. They're flawless.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Dialogue gives a story a unique personality; moreover, it breaks the monotony of narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great story for children. Amusing and entertaining. Keep up the good work.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, LegendaryMask:
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Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well done.

*Content
I love this sequel to Sandy the California Snowman.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and other nitty-gritty go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

It was busy as usual, but as soon as she walked in[,][insert a comma] silence filled the lobby.

"Yes, Jeff dinner tonight, ["Yes, Jeff, dinner tonight,][Separate Jeff with a comma]

5 o'clock
at 7 for dinner
8 am.
[Times of day. According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.]

Hannah looked at Jackie and politely said, "I don't think I will need your assistance this time," everyone laughed. [I would revise this by replacing the comma with a period and using an upper case to start a new sentence. It would look like this:

Hannah looked at Jackie and politely said, "I don't think I will need your assistance this time." Everyone laughed.

Joey told Sandy about his parents, school, Colorado, and his sister Bonnie. Who had gotten married and was going to be a momma next year. Revise by replacing the period with a comma, after Bonnie and using lower case for Who. It would read this way:

Joey told Sandy about his parents, school, Colorado, and his sister Bonnie, who had gotten married and was going to be a momma next year.

I just wonder if this image is a tad exaggerated to be credible and imaginable for the reader to believe? Besides, everybody left Joey all to himself talking to a mound of sand instead of enjoying real company who came from different places that day?]
"Sandy walked up to Joey and asked him to join him in a walk on the beach. Sandy and Joey talked for hours walking the beach and enjoying each other's company."

*Dialogue
You have enough employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other to make the story move and delightful. Nice work.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I am fascinated with your story because I live thirty minutes away from Del Mar. I enjoyed the creativity and imagination injected into the story; albeit, a tad skeptical. Be that as it may, it's an entertaining story for children. Good job, LegendaryMark.

Keep writing. You're good at it.


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Review of Finding a Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Michaelmountain:springhope:

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Today, in this review, I will not nitpick on Formatting*Mechanics*Syntax*PunctuationSpelling. Instead, I will make a comment on the *Content.

I totally agree with your take on this pandemic that has isolated us from our loved ones, close bosom friends, and the community as a whole. The seed of fear has been planted by the so-called experts to paralyze us into complete obedience. The fear of death and dying seems to be the monster that is used as a tool to make us bow down with no questions or qualms.

But, who has lived forever? Has anyone? When our appointed time comes, it comes like a thief in the night. There is no chance to say, "No, not yet. I'm not ready."

The only answer we have is faith in our Creator, trust, and hope that His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Unfortunate are those people who do not have any relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, our Savior. As followers of Jesus, we have compassion to reach out to them. Even that opportunity is being shut down by our human government. For example, in California, the Governor not only made an executive order to close down worship services; he also, ordered no singing during worship time. The devil is surely hard at work, doing all humanly possible to separate Christians from their God-given right to commune with God.

Indeed, prayer, faith in God's divine guidance, and hope is our gateway to peace and confidence as we continue our earthly journey until He comes back to take us all with Him wherever He will be.

*Over-all take away
Thank you for sharing your personal take away. Yes, we're anticipating a miracle that will blow this pandemic asunder!

And keep writing and sharing your positive Christian outlook! We need more like it.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, flyfishercacher:
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WDC SuperPower Strawberry Shortcake Review Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your entry. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well organized and presented.

*Content
A mother's intuition and cooking skills always saves the day for her loved ones. Where would anybody be without a dear mother always looking out for the health and well-being of her family?

*Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation
It looks like you did your homework. I see nothing skewed or out of kilt to make me pause or raise my eyebrow. I like the brevity and conciseness of the scenario leading up to the healing power of a bowl of chicken soup hitting the cold spot and warming up the entire body.

Spelling
I see no unintentional misspellings generated by auto-spell check which could lead a sentence on a tangent nor did I see simple typos to fix. You must have an eye for perfection. I easily notice these mishaps because I tend to be a perfectionist myself.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues serve as a prime mover of the story as they put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and break down the monotony of narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I appreciate feature stories like this. It warms the heart and fosters familial bonds. Thank you for sharing such a poignant story.

Write away. You have it in you to pursue your talent in writing. By the way, I'm so stingy in giving a 5-Rating but this exercise deserves it.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Ruth:
WdC Superpowers Review Signature Garden #1
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WDC SuperPower Strawberry Shortcake Review Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to this entry. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Well organized.

*Content
After all the hassle of finding the recipe, and figuring out what ingredients are necessary to make Peachy Cheesy Cake, what a delight to end up not preparing it at all yourself but having it delivered to you for Easter dinner. What are sisters for right? That kindness and love your sister demonstrated in making your dinner extra-special are indeed invaluable. I know. It's fiction but there is an element of reality in the interaction of two sisters in this story.

*Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation
What I want to point out in this area of writing is how skilled you are in using punctuation marks in dialogues. I am impressed. There is only one thing I want to point out about attributions. You might be aware of this but if you're like me, I have a mind of my own and I follow the beat of my own drummer. So, here's a snippet I cut and pasted for your second thought or consideration, perhaps?

“Just let me get a working pen and this we’ll do it,” Marie sighed.
[Although I do not totally agree, according to Jerry Jenkins, an author of over a hundred books, he said and I quote, 'Primarily use said to attribute dialogue, rather than any other option.'] (asked/hissed/sighed/grumbled/agreed are examples I see from this manuscript.)

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Like I mentioned above, I am impressed with your skill in this area.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like the twists of this fiction story. Wait a minute, you're saying your narrator- character didn't have a broken arm? That was creative in itself.

Keep writing. You have it in you to get to an agent for publishing. Mastering punctuation obstacles as you have is a big success in itself.

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Review of Life of Hershey  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Izfish:
WdC Superpowers Review Signature Garden #1
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WDC SuperPower Strawberry Shortcake Review Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your entry. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
This is kind of unusual formatting for a short story because it's more akin to a journal, but I'll leave it at that in as much as I see the elements of a short story unfolding.

*Content,*Mechanics,*Syntax
I see nothing in this area sounding awkward or unusual to cause me to pause or raise my brow. You have a good command of the written word. What I do see are violations of the American standard rules pertaining to the use of punctuation marks. Here's sharing what I learned that may help clean some of these violations.

{c:grape*Punctuations
Here's what I cut and pasted from your story:
This morning I heard “Goodbye, we will miss you!”, and “see you this summer!”, and things like that. The boy said “Bye bye Fuffy an Nonny an Poppy an Keach an Powosie an tickens. Bye bye.”, and then a door closed.

Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated correctly. What you need to do is to be consistent. Pay close attention to the squiggles when working on quotations.

I wonder what crackers taste like... EW!!!!!
In this example, let me point out the uses of ellipses]
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
{b}First{/b}, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.
If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

Overuse of Exclamation Points, Question Marks, etc My mentor suggested I refrain from using extra exclamation points, question marks, and any of those marks for emphasis because it shows I'm a beginner, I'm not giving my reader credit for getting what I am conveying, and editors frown it.
“LEGOS!!!”
What is going to happen?!?!?

*Dialogue
You might try to employ dialogue to break the monotony of narration. In this story, the internal dialogue worked to replace actual conversations, albeit from a monologue of Hershey's point of view.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Delightfully entertaining from the point of view of Hershey chocolate chip personified.
Keep writing and revise. That's the ticket to our writing endeavor.

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Review of Rutabaga Saga  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, D.L. Robinson:

WdC Superpowers Review Signature Garden #1
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WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Shortcake Raiders this weekend has led QueenOwl's wings to pick your entry, Rutabaga Saga. And because your work deserves a read and a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.


Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What I find interesting in your experience with how rutabaga is served is what you described as "a plate of lukewarm diced rutabagas." I have a totally different experience. I was introduced to this root crop by my Yankee husband from Connecticut. He boils the diced rutabagas and mashes it with two or three boiled potatoes. The mixture neutralizes the strong smell and somewhat bitter taste of the rutabaga. It tasted strange to my tastebuds at first, but, I grew to love this side dish. I always looked forward to every Thanksgiving dinner since that first time I tasted it: not only because I acquired a taste for it but because my husband's Thanksgiving dinner was never complete without his mashed rutabaga.

Conflict
You had enough disdain for this root crop to make your story move. Perhaps, you could have expanded it with conversations with your mother giving her a hard time for making you eat it. I am referring to injecting dialogue to put a sparkle on this conflict. But, then again, perhaps you were limited in your length; therefore, I'll give you a pass on that.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,and *Punctuation go, this article is well-organized and well-written. I did not encounter any sentence structure that made me pause or raised my brow.

Spelling Let me just point out two misspellings that need your attention for correction. And these are:

chiuauas [Chihuahua]

bitter tasting [bitter-tasting]

Aside from these two, you did very well in this contest entry.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away I enjoyed this entertaining telltale because I can relate to what you went through, albeit, we ended at the exact opposite of the spectrum.

Write away, D. L. Robinson. You have a way with words that I like.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Seuzz:

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Swinging by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Tuesday night, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review worth a peek. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting and *Content
The story itself is clear, well-organized and well-presented. The only issue I have in this manuscript is the idea of bolding words and phrases here and there where the writer might think that the reader needs a little push in order to get the point.

Bolding words and phrases is a no-no in writing according to published authors, agents, and proofreaders. It is underestimating the reader's comprehension. They say it's yelling to make the reader understand or get the point.

Having said all that, my suggestion would be to minimize using that technique, if not totally eliminating it to give your readers credit for their ability to follow the story.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling go, I did not see any skirmish or violations that made me pause or cause my brows to raise. Good presentation. Well developed.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and beats the monotony of narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like the demonstration of a typical Italian mafia character personified by Mr. McClatchy. His provincialism and his demeanor show clearly he is one of those folksy yet ruthless guys with no qualms about liquidating an individual who crosses his space.

Write away, Seuzz. You have what it takes to be a wordsmith.

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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, Paul:

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I think I have done a review for you before. I'm just visiting ports, looking for something to get busy with because I have all this time to be useful. So, here I am making a stopover to read and give you an input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Good formatting in dialogue application.

*Content
Cute story. Realistically and delightfully done.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling go, there is nothing I can cut and paste to show any skirmish or violations in writing. Your dialogue punctuations are skillfully done.

Oops, I lied. I did see one skirmish, although, a minor one. Here it is:
“Okay, I [cant][can't] cook in this mess so you’ll take me to Treaudeaus for dinner. Be ready in an hour.” (Technically, Treaudeau's need an apostrophe also being a possessive case.]

*Dialogue
This is a perfect example of the "Dialogue only" story. It shows all the actions and behaviors in the conversation.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away I have to give this submission a 5-Star rating and ignore the minor skirmish I found because I find it realistic, amusing, and entertaining.

Write away, Paul.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, KD Miller:
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This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Saturday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Skeletons in the Attic - Chapter Eight

What a fascinating chapter. Even without knowing the background of your story from Chapter One to Chapter Seven, this Chapter can stand by itself. It is well organized in plain everyday conversation and easy to follow.

I was hooked. I couldn't wait to hear what the skeletons in the attic were. Great narration made alive with dialogue among the main characters of the story.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and the nitty-gritty of writing rules go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

I overheard his soft voice [over-ruling][overruling][one word] his brother.

He carried a [faded-leather,] [faded leather] [not hyphenated word] art kit from the early nineteen-hundreds.

"Don't scare him, Theodore, "he said. ["Don't scare him, Theodore," he said.] [Just a simple typo]

my [and] uncles and I drank it constantly. [delete]

...his father left him the [drug store] [drugstore].[one word]

...until his [parents] [parent's] passing a few years later.

Benjamin Felix a [widow,] [widower][technically, a husband who lost his wife is referred to as a widower.]

Another [questioned][question] nagged in my mind.

"In answer to your [question," His][his] hand waved in the air, [Attributions are part of the sentence. Use lower case after the comma and close quotation mark to complete the sentence.

"I understand that some men never marry, but it [didn't][did?] seem odd that an entire family never married until just now."

[The way Uncle Dylan pushed away from the table.][Fragment. Try to connect this to the previous sentence or the sentence following.]

[The deep creases in the corners of Uncle Theodore's eyes.][Fragment]

Something had prevented them from taking [wives...and] by nightfall[,][insert commma] I would know.[Uses of ellipsis]

For what it's worth, let me share with you what I learned about the uses of ellipsis:
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

*Dialogue
You're skillful in your employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Your dialogue essentially made your story alive and put a sparkle to an otherwise ordinary storytelling.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is an impressive work. It is skillfully written. I want to know more.
That being said, write away, KD Miller. You have the knack.

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Review of Merfield Hall  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Seuzz:
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This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Friday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I need to be honest with you. I found this manuscript a difficult reading material. I encountered foreign words and foreign expressions that seem cultural in nature which are inherent to the United Kingdom. So, forgive me for my ignorance. I will critique your work based on the American standard English usage, which I am familiar with, juxtaposed with what little I know of the British style.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling and the other nitty-gritty rules go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

If not impossibly intended for the human eye[,][insert comma] I think the narrative will satisfy your curiosity as far as is possible in a case where the attendant circumstances are so mysterious.

In 1849 my half brother[,][insert comma] Charles Horsley, then a young man of 37, succeeded to the possession of Merfield Hall in the county of Bedfordshire.

Nuances in spelling between British English and American English:
[favourite] [favorite]
Gothick [Gothic]
curiosi[curious or curiosity?]
realising [realizing]

2 or 3 [Presentation of Numbers - When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.]

The county handbook said of this one that it had been built by the ingenious Mr. Essex in the Gothick Taste and was much admired by all [curiosi.] [Were these two typos or intentional spelling?]

In[ part,][insert comma] my spirits rose in proportion to my absences from the Hall.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and breaks the monotony of narration.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Like I pointed out at the beginning, I had difficulty following the story. Perhaps my difficulty sprung from my limited exposure to British history as well as unique language that separates country to country, albeit, English is the medium used for communication.

Be that as it may, write on. You are a prolific writer in your own right. You may be able to adapt to the American standard of writing in addition to your expert ability to write the British way.

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