|Hi, W.D. racula:
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Swinging by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on the eve of Halloween night, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review worth a peek. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
What a morbid, gruesome, and horrific story you presented so well. You described your vivid imagination realistically, placing your reader where you are, and making your reader see the same images you see.
Three paragraphs towards the end of the story, you said this: "This time he didn't look so mean. In the morning light, I could tell he was just an old man. But he was smiling."
This gave me a pause because your trip to the Granson House was at night in the thick of darkness. When you went back escorted by the police officers, did you stay there until the break of dawn to be able to see the old man's gait and demeanor? You might want to tweak this a tad with some kind of a transition from darkness to light.
As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, and Spelling are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:
if I had trusted [to] my instincts,[delete]
Instead, I found myself speeding after the taillights of Ralph Neimer's Ford Mustang[,][Insert comma] as it tore through the veil of darkness that hung like folded wings over the old Polk Road that wound down toward the infamous Grandson Place.[Sentence too long. Break it down to two for brevity]
But even as I was about to quit, Ralph's car began to slow, and we came to the dead-end[,][Insert comma] which turned into a wide turnaround in front of the old Grandson property.
Hanging around with Ralph got me noticed . . . especially by the girls.[See Use of ellipsis]
If a house could be said to have a human attitude, an emotional aspect, then this house was angry, very angry . . . furious, in fact.[See Use of ellipsis]
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.
If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.
If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
Note: I noticed you've been applying ellipsis properly in your dialogues. These two examples I pointed out maybe just a fluke. At any rate, I thought it might be beneficial to point this out for future reference.
All of [the][a] sudden the night seemed darker than it had been when we first arrived, and the mansion looked more threatening.[Replace]
It took a while before I realized it was my own." [Delete misplaced close quotation marks.]
Good employment of dialogues showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. I was there with you all the way in the middle of this morbid, horrific experience.
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away
Excellent writing presentation, W.D. racula. You did your homework.
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