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Review of My Wife's Escape  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Simple Dykie :
** Image ID #2151455 Unavailable **

It's Flash Friday and I landed in your port to raid your work.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great piece. It's one of your delightful, lighthearted, and engaging stories I have read. I like the way you described in detail the alluring characteristics of Escape and how your wife doted on him.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are two snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

a little under two tons tons of the latest in American know-how and cutting-edge technology. [I'm not sure if this is intentional or a duplication of tons.]

Would it be "two-tons tons" perhaps?

Use of Ellipsis (I'm gonna get you for this...*smile2* )

and......and.......

According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. Ellipses have two important functions.
1) they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipses, but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipses from the closing quotation mark. Moreover, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation.
2) The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

In no circumstance should there be more than three dots unless the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. In this instance a fourth dot is added as the terminal punctuation mark.

*Dialogue
I always like your conversational style of writing. It's a good substitute for employment of dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Delightfully engaging. What's interesting to me is that your wife never invited you for a drive with Burt! I thought it was sort of "odd." But, I know why you went the way you did. You just need to show the strong competition and how you resolved your inadequacy. How did your wife react to Sally when you came home with her?

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie:

For shared use
Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review Raid! So,let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content

Wow! What a gripping account. You have captivated me and drawn me to you as though I am taking your place. And let me tell you why. I am going through right now what you've been through in the past. I am getting goosebumps as I read every word in this story. You see, I am providing care for my 94-year-old mother and my 90-year old husband. I have to split my time between the two of them because I cannot leave my husband for long periods while attending to my mother - who does not want to give up her independence in her Senior Citizen's place. At some point she will have to acquiesce when she has no more say or choice in the matter. Until then, I have to keep her happy enjoying her independent living.


As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I am impessed at how well this is written. It is almost flawless except for a snippet I cut and pasted that need tweaking to conform to the conventional use of ellipsis:

[I didn’t object to her reasoning; after all, she was... well... Mama.]

The uses of Ellipses. This is my favorite subject. One that catches my attention at a glimpse. According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. The only time there is a fourth dot shown is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

Ellipsis have two important functions. 1) They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipsis but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipsis from the closing quotation mark. Furthermore, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation. 2) The second use is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

Here's the kicker: Both uses of the ellipsis involve their insertion within direct quotation. Avoid using ellipses as a substitute for a dash in other kinds of sentences.

So, if we were to observe the above standard, the sentence would look this way:
I didn’t object to her reasoning; after all, she was - well - Mama.

(Note: I cannot find the M-dash to use in this example. I did see you use it in a couple of areas here. I will give you a pass on this minor flaw and award you with a perfect rating.)

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. It puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the reader hear the words and see the character traits and gets the reader involved in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is truly a poignant and gripping account. Thank you for sharing. It gives me comfort, understanding and guidance in dealing with my aging mother as well as my aging husband.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Lisa:

For shared use
Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

This is a beautiful poem. I would not change a word. I do see typos that need fixing. So, here is the version with typos removed. Corrections are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.


These are the days that have passed,

There are the [ memories ] that last.

memories of joy and memories of sorrow

give me hope for a tomorrow.



My heart is full of love

the type instilled from above.

When I'm gone you'll [remember ] me [too ] and

I shall always be with you.


*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I love the height and depth of the poet's love and attachment to the object of her affection. It's poignant.(By the way, the only reason why I took half a point off your rating is because of the misspellings.)

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Review of The StoryTeller  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,Fyn:

For shared use

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review! So,let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Is this going to be a prelude to a novel? It sounds to me that the Storyteller is introducing herself and the reason for the gathering that is taking place.

As far as *Mechanics/*Syntax are concerned, here's a snippet I cut and pasted that needs a minor fix:
[listening to a young women]
[listening to young women or in the alternative,
listening to a young woman.]

*Punctuation Marks
Let's look at the first sentence as it has caught my attention like a sore thumb:
The Scene: One hundred years in the future.... a group of people are sitting around a campfire...listening to a young women..... .

The uses of Ellipses. This is my favorite subject. One that catches my attention at a glimpse. According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. The only time there is a fourth dot shown is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

Ellipsis have two important functions. 1) They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipsis but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipsis from the closing quotation mark. Furthermore, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation. 2) The second use is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

Here's the kicker: Both uses of the ellipsis involve their insertion within direct quotation. Avoid using ellipses as a substitute for a dash in other kinds of sentences.

So if we were to observe the above standard, the sentence would look this way:
The Scene: One hundred years in the future - a group of people are sitting around a campfire - listening to a young woman.

*Dialogue
In your last paragraph, you have employed a dialogue showing a young angel talking to the Story Teller without the punctuation marks to demonstrate the dialogue part. It would make a big difference if it was written this way: "Stor'Tel? My name is Angel too," she smiled. "Here."

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I have hinted in the beginning, this would make a good prelude to a novel. It's building a foundation for a big production to be made. I would love to see how the story progresses when the Storyteller gets to the body of the story.

Write away!

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Review of Falling Up  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,Fyn:

For shared use
Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

*Content
I'm with the mindset of the reporter who wasn't sure if he could print your answer or not because I'm like most folks. I'm simple-minded and down-to-earth. My vocabulary takes me only as far as the dictionary would take me. I had to look up the word, "verbicasious" because it hit me smack in the middle of my eyesight. So, here's what I found:

verbicasious [No definition available.]
Because I cannot find this word in the dictionary, did you make this up? It almost taste delicious to be associated with a casserole. Hope you submitted it to lexicographers for consideration in the next edition of the standard dictionary. I do love the sound of it.

On the other hand, I can relate to your reference of the "fish falling up" because it sounds to me like "belly up." When the fish "belly ups" it's dead, right? In business parlance, it means bankrupt. That much I can understand.

*Dialogue
Not applicable in this essay.

*Over-all take away
Great philosophical exposition. I just get lost with your far out vocabulary. Thanks to my handy dictionary that's close by. It helps me climb up to your level.

Write away, Fyn.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Donkey Hoetay:

For shared use
Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers August Review Raid! So,let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Delightfully entertaining story. It reminded me of an incident when I took my husband to the doctor's office one morning. As soon as we sat, this little old lady got up, approached my husband, and excitedly said, "Hi, Are you Charlie?" Without hesitating, my husband replied, "If I was Charlie, I would know you."

*Mechanics
I want to know why you spelled “identity” the way you did (with an “i” instead of a “y.” [I see you edited this and corrected the spelling.]

*Syntax
laden bill [Is this another way of saying, "bill of lading?" Just curious for my own learning and vocabulary.]

*Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:
"...because he called her a 'broad'."
In reference to the above snippet I cut and pasted: Although this standard has been widely violated, let me point out that typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word.
...because he called her a "broad."

The challenge was delicious- no scrapes[,] no dings, with just mirrors and skill[,] she backed that baby right up to the delivery bay of the CostRite pharmacy chain in one attempt. [Insert comma for clarity and readability.]

"Ah...excuse me, Miss?" He called as she walked away.[Rule in attribution: Tag line is part of the sentence. Use lower case for "he" to complete the sentence.]

"Ah...excuse me, Miss?" he called as she walked away.

"She asked to leave work early to meet with her [anger][angry?] manager but in the end,..."

Checking out early was okay if you're staying at the Miramar Motel, she thought, but not if it's your first love or your father. [POV issue: My suggestion is to tighten this, this way:
"Checking out early was okay if I'm staying at the Miramar Motel, she thought, but not if it's my first love or my father."

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. It puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes the narrative sparkle, pop and sizzle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I enjoyed the interaction between Amanda and Mark very much. That twists in the end made it more sparkling and sizzling. Great job, Donkey Hoetay. Although, I hope you don't mind me taking a point off for some writing violations.

Keep writing. You have the knack. I would love to read more of your delightfully entertaining stories.

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Review of Witchcraft  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,BlackAdder:
Power raid image

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This story looks to me as a one setting story with Colonel Johnson in some kind of a motel or hotel taking a break after a hard day's battle with savages. A young maiden, seemingly, a room cleaner, tried to make the bed for him. I surmise she took a liking to him and flirted with him.

The two were engaged in a conversation regarding tales of a beautiful woman who became his wife. At some point during their marriage, this woman died, but he has never forgotten her.

Meanwhile, the author diverted the reader's attention to a crone miles away, practicing her witchcraft.

So good so far?

Now, they are still in the room, but this time, they're indulging in an intimate relationship.

Then the story concluded with this ending sentence:
"The crone, wasted in a few short years by her disease, lifted the copper needle high above the wooden doll, eyes flashing angry and red. That was when his pain began."

This time, I'm totally lost. I don't understand what the connection was between the crone and Colonel Johnson, unless, this ugly old hag was the wife that he said died quite a while back. And she's avenging him for her early death.

Did I get the gist of the witchcraft's tale?

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

"Such things are better unspoken,' Lohman whispered, at once teasing and pompous."
Where did the name Lohman come from? There was no indication where this name came from. If he is the same person a Colonel Johnson, I suggests you show that first name when you introduced Colonel Johnson in the introduction. Just a thought.

A new word to add to my vocabulary:
puissance - noun: power, might or force [late Middle English]

"You love is lost, then?" [Your] [Replace unless this is intentional in the dialogue.]

The officer grinned hungrily, though again the expression was interrupted [a] by a twitch and flash of discomfort.[Delete]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue moves the story as it puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It beats the monotony of a boring narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Honestly, I did not quite get a clear picture of the story. Be that as it may,it was rewarding to read something different.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi,Than:
Power raid image

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Curiosity has a funny way of reacting in our everyday interaction with fellow humans. As I delved into the story, my curiosity got the best of me too. I couldn't stop reading. I wanted to know why this Mustang man is doing what he's doing in odd places of all things!

Great story, Than. It got me too as soon as you were relating what you saw! I would have reacted the same way you did.

His pump stopped and the metallic sound, louder than I had anticipated, startled me. I inadvertently honked my horn and the man, the possibly-chiseled demigod, was caught unawares: he jolted and slipped back, his face filled first with stark surprise and then pain when his back fell against the edge of his trunk.

Funny how your equilibrium got off whack from the loud metallic sound resulting in your hand to accidentally hit the horn. And that resulted in a chain reaction that jolted the Mustang hunk of a man.

What a chain of comedy that was. I wanted to laugh but at the same time felt bad for Mustang. So glad you were brave enough to come out and introduce yourself and offer help.

I love the twist you cooked up in the end. You found yourself doing exactly what he did to begin with.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, I didn't see any glaring violations that stopped me or made me pause. There is only one area that did have a typo. Here is the snippet I cut and pasted that need a minor fix:

I wondered again if his hands were getting dirty and if he was going to get his white shirt or [he] [the] dark blue slacks stained in some way. [Fix typo]

The pump pumped as the solidly built man pumped. [ I'm impressed at the pun you created in this sentence. I tend to do similar word games. This reminds me of "Peter Piper picked a piece of pickled pepper, " or "Progress is progressively progressing."]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the story move and beats the monotony of reading a boring narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You have given me a laugh for the day, Than. I like your writing style. I think, I'll go visit your port when days are slow and I need something to entertain me.

Write away. You have the knack! Use it to your advantage.

(P.S: I hope you don't mind me deducting .5 from a perfect 5-rating I originally wanted to grade you with because of that minor typo I found. Now, that tells you to check your work with a fine tooth comb before submitting the next time!*Smile*

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Review of Angel Dog  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Writerlady:
Power raid image

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great story. It's worth cleaning up and tightening for conciseness, brevity, clarity and readability.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, Spelling, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for errors and minor fixes:

[ Never the less] [Nevertheless is one word]

As a teenager, just learning the skill of driving,[ It][it] was thrilling to be completely lost on back roads, never knowing where you'll actually come out and find a main road or a tiny little town.[Replace capital "I" with lower case (i)]

As I got further along on a very narrow[,][delete] dirt road lined with tall pine trees[,] [Insert] I suddenly became aware of how dark it was getting.

Revised sentence after transposing commas: Does this sound better?
As I got further along on a very narrow dirt road lined with tall pine trees, I suddenly became aware of how dark it was getting.

four-way intersection [Hyphenate compound words]

Not even [a] click. [Insert]

The wheel refused to turn, the power was like something was sucking and draining is [slowly][slow].

It took all my strength to force the car to the side [of ][off]the road where it again died.[Replace]

[ no where] [nowhere is one word]

Now, is probably a good time to admit, one of the few rules Mom had for allowing me use of the car was, I was NOT to leave the city limits.[This sounds awkward. Try to revise for clarity and readability.]

"Lord," I prayed fervently, and as is typical of a desperate soul pleading for help from the Almighty, I made desperate promises if only He would get me out of this trouble.

[ my Mother] [ my mother] [Rule: Do not put on upper case mother, father, mom, dad when a pronoun precedes it.]

"...he launched himself [though] [through] my door," [Replace]

[over sized ] [oversized is one word]

[down pour] [downpour is one word]

[deep throat-ed growl] [deep throated growl] [Remove hyphen]

[ beat up] [ beat-up [Hyphenate]

One on my side, and I didn't really notice [there] [where] the others went. [Replace "there" with "where"]

I was about to do as he said, when I noticed his two friends had come around to the passenger side [was were][Delete wordiness] reaching out to open the doors.

Did they know[,] see[,] or hear how serious this dog was sounding? [Insert commas for clarity and readability]

The light rain had stopped, rays of morning light were starting to break [though][through] the darkness. [Replace with correct syntax]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It beats the monotony of reading a boring narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a scary episode you encountered on a stormy night. Your faith in God gave you the courage and presence of mind to survive a nightmarish experience. Because you called out to God for help, he sent you an angel of a dog to save you from three potential evildoers. God does answer prayers in the most unusual circumstance and in a mysterious way!

Wow! I see wonderful lessons you learned from this experience.

Write away, Writerlady. You have great potential for success in the wordsmithing world.

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Review of Jacob's House  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, MeiliTT:

Power raid image

I understand you just joined our awesome SuperPower Reviewers Group. To welcome you wholeheartedly, I visited your brand-new port to see what you have submitted that I can raid to offer you my input. Welcome and savor this Summer cook-out!*Smile*

I do see your first submission titled, Jacob's House. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
There is idealism and lofty philosophical view of life built into the lives of Jacob and Hannah in this story. Moreover, the span of time they involved each other in helping out the community cannot be told in a short story. My suggestion for the author would be to devote a chapter by chapter episode of each turning point that impacted their own personal lives and the community.

As far a *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

Once upon a time there lived a young man named Jacob who lived in a small village on a prairie. [Here's my version if I was writing this opening sentence: Once upon a time a young man named Jacob lived in a small village on a prairie.]

He had few personal needs and [build][built] himself a little lean-to that let in more of the outdoors than it kept out.[Use past tense]

"However, the couple never noticed the stir they caused."[What kind of stir did Jacob and Hannah caused in the community? Would kindness and generosity towards the helpless and the poor neighbors cause a "stir?" Or perhaps their closeness to each other is not the norm in their culture? Demonstrate this.]

"...Then disaster struck. The country declared war and the small city sat right in the middle of the fighting."[Declared war against who? Another country or against its own people? Rebels? Civil war? Expand this indicating what kind of war the country was involved in.]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. This is specially necessary when telling stories to children. Children like action and their span of attention is short. Must get them while their five minute attention is at its peak. After that, they're tone deaf.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I pointed out above, this manuscript can be expanded by dividing it into chapters. Lumping their life story into one short narrative does not justify the significance of their influence in the community. Take a closer look at each turning point from the cradle to the grave and mark each turning point as a chapter. You will find that there are more twists and turns to your story than meets the eye to make your children's story book shine and sparkle.

With that in mind, keep your pen moving and your keyboard clicking! It will be a rewarding journey for the aspiring writer in you.


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Review of Quark Soup  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Kotaro:

Power raid image

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great imagination and creativity, Kotaro. But a rat as main ingredient in his soup? With all the pairs of the beasts of the world in Noah's Ark, why did he choose a rat? (Or, more astoundingly, why did you, the author, pick the rat instead of a chicken or a lamb or something acceptable for human consumption?) I know the answer to that. You wanted a shocking twists to your story!*Chicken* *Rabbit* *Cow* *FishO* *Smile*

Also, you need to explain how Professor Loh's assistant know how to read and understand
"wedge-shaped cuneiform writing" so the reader doesn't feel cheated. Perhaps you can include who those archeologists are, such as their nationalities and their background in dead languages, hieroglyphics and such.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, this short story is well-written, although the long quotation on the written tablet can use tightening as it sounds too made up. Make it sound authentic and credible.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and moves the story along.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Like Professor Loh, I was also disgusted with the revelation of the main ingredient of the QuArt soup. Be that as it may, your take on the discovery of Noak's lost Ark is truly creative and original.

Great work, Kotaro. Keep writing. You have the knack with your imagination running wild. But please, make it less offensive the next time.*Smile*


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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Star:

Power raid image

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Was this a dream or were you drunk? Why were you afraid of falling and not get up? I couldn't figure this out. Perhaps you need to set-up your introduction in a way that clarifies to the reader why you were at the park or how you got there. What was troubling you that made you run away from everybody and everything?

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

The few remaining white clouds were all being overtaken by the growing gray clouds [who][that] turned black after a while.[Replace "who" with "that"]

"...I was thrown backwards off my feet and onto the [ground..] I felt..."
[Two dots after "ground" could be a typo. If it is meant to be an ellipsis, make sure there are three dots for ellipsis always.]

“Who… What..?” [Same as above.]

I couldn’t say [an][a] word as I just sat there.[Replace "an" with "a"]

No [was no] rain, no sunlight, no trees, no nothing.[Delete]

I ran up the stairs of the [equipment] not bothering to look back and I continued to climb higher till I was at the top. [What did you mean by the "stairs of the equipment" in this scene? I'm kind of unclear how a park would have wild animals roaming around; albeit, at night time.

*Dialogue
Good employment of internal dialogue voicing your character's predicament. This is powerful. Now, it's up to the reader to conclude whether the narrator fell to his death, or, fell safely in the arms of a loved one. I'd prefer to believe that a safety net was there to catch him as he plunged down. Hallelujah!

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good work, Star. Keep writing. You have the knack. The more you write, the better you get.

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Review of The Hunter  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, M.A. Gonzales:

Power raid image

Just passing through and this piece caught my eye. But, wait a minute. It's WdC Superpower Reviewers Summer Cookout Raid! So, let me tarry awhile and read this intriguing work of yours.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Formatting is fine. It's easy to follow.

*Content
Kind of a slow starter but I'm following. At first, I wasn't sure if Ariel was a real person or a product of Eva's imagination. As the conversation progressed, I was convinced Ariel was a real character in the story.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Groaning, she came to her feet[,] her toes sinking into the thick motel carpet. [Insert comma.]

Being alone was a way of life and in truth it was the only way to keep herself safe she’d learned that the hard way.[Needs tightening by inserting punctuation marks in appropriate places for clarity and readability.]

“A eight hundred year old, fire singed spell sealed in blood and you can't interfere?” [An eight hundred year old...][Because this is a dialogue in quotes, I'll let you get away with it.]

Smirking[,] she folded her arms across her chest.[Insert comma.]

Quickly checking the bullets in the clip, she shoved the clip back up and cocked the trusty weapon, which had saved her ass more then once. [than] [replace with proper syntax]

“I’ve had a [Watcher][watcher] there since we found out about this and she hasn’t been back.” [Use lower case]

Never one to be unprepared for anything[,]she slipped the automatics into her shoulder holster, a silver knife into its sheath at her waist, and a smaller silver blade into the sheath strapped around her thigh.[Insert comma]

“Not by choice.” She muttered. [“Not by choice,” she muttered.] [Attributions are part of the sentence. Use comma instead of period and use lower case for tagging.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. The story is in the dialogue as it puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your use of dialogue to tell the story. I'm following it closely as I put myself in the conversation. Now, I'm curious about Erik, the demigod. I want to know more about him. I'd like to turn the page to the next chapter.

Keep writing, M.A. Gonzales. You got the knack.

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,brom21:
Celebrating you! Congratulations!

WDC SuperPower Reviewer's Raid is here. And I picked this piece to review. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Resisting temptation is always a challenge. I'm so pleased to see that Rick is overcoming the temptation to steal. He is coming out a better man because of his determination to overcome this nagging weakness that possessed him for however long it bound him. Good story, Brom.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

[six foot man][six-foot-man]

[It was New Year’s eve as he strolled through the aisles [and] looked over the items on the shelves.][Insert "and" to complete the sentence and eliminate awkwardness.]
Also, in standard practice, New Year's Eve is written with first letters all in upper case.]

[“Calm down Rick, get control over yourself, you don’t have to do this," he said to himself as he fidgeted with his clammy hands.] [Fix typo]

[He jerked his head in both directions with a facial appearance that expressed pleaser and regret. ] [Did you mean, pleasure?]

[After eating breakfast[,] he left his house for work.][Insert comma]

[But now [in][for] the first time in my life I’ve conquered it!”][Replace "in" with "for"]

[On Rick’s day off[,] he did just that.][Insert comma for clarity and readability.

[ “8am,”] [According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference: When you are not spelling out the times (eight o'clock; seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M.(8 A.M.; 9 A.M.)

[wide-eyed][compound word. Use dash.]

“A person could go to town [on][with] all that money.[Replace on with with.] [Missing close quotation marks.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of internal and external dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and helps the story move along.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
It took a lot of self-control and determination for Rick to finally resist temptation instead of yielding to it. Now that he is bound and determined to keep it that way, it will do him good to keep himself away from situations that awakens the weaker side of his psyche.


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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, S-J:

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Because it's month of June Raid day, as a member of WDC, I'm happy to read this story and give you a feedback showing active participation with fellow raiders.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

*Formatting
The appearance of your work should be eye-catching not a turn-off. When a reader sees that your submission is one whole blob with no heads or tails, the reader will walk away and move on. What I'm saying therefore is this: Observe proper formatting. This means use paragraphing. One idea for a paragraph. Transitions need to be separated by paragraphs, as well. It enhances readability and clarity.

That being said, I can not move on to *Content,*Mechanics
*Syntax, *Punctuation
, *Dialogue and other tidbits like spelling and typos. This is difficult reading for me. I got to the fifth sentence and I can not go on. What I suggest is for you to revise this and present it in standard formatting.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you re-format this Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Please re-format this submission. I would gladly revisit it and give you a review. Also, I can not give you a fair and honest Rating as I have not read the story. The problem is that the system will not allow me to submit this without a rating. So, for now I'll give you a 3.5 Rating just so I can successfully send this out. Fair enough?

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, amy:

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

It's Raid time again and I took the opportunity to visit your port to find materials for reviewing and offering my input. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great opinion piece with educational, informative and inspirational value. It gives the writer a pathway to where his or her line of interest or expertise would be.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation Marks, and other nitty-gritty grammar rules are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

As our plans to write progress[,] writers decide on what type of writing to do. [Insert comma for clarity and readability.]

[There only two general types of writing[-]fiction and non-fiction.]
[Consider replacing dash with colon. See if it looks preferable this way:
There only two general types of writing: fiction and non-fiction.]

Some, like me, want to make their money doing what they love. [Because you inserted yourself in this sentence, it will sound smoother if you say it this way: Some, like me, want to make our money doing what we love.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your conversational style of writing. It draws the readers close to you, which in effect, will make them listen to every word you're saying.


Best of luck on your writing endeavor, amy. Write away!


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Review of Finding Santa  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi L.A. Grawitch:
Celebrating you! Congratulations!

It's Raid time again and I took the privilege of visiting ports to find materials to review and offer my take-away. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This short story is beautifully presented in dialogue. Great lesson to teach children about Christmas and Santa Claus. I love how the story concluded.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks and other nitty-gritty grammar rules are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:
"Grace[,] what are you doing out of bed?...." [Insert comma]

"Okay[,] Grace, but what happens if we fall asleep in the closet and miss Santa?"[Insert comma]

" Sister of mine, you are a nut[Punctuation mark missing. Either an exclamation point or a period.] What is so special?..."

"...I just don't think Santa can do what you are asking"[Terminating punctuation mark is missing.]

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. As a reader, I was right there seeing a brother and sister, hearing their conversation, as they share their anticipation of Santa's arrival. Well done, L.A. Grawitch.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great piece. I love the way you injected the brother's ailment and how they resolved the issue. These two kids are grounded in their faith and trust in prayer to heal physical infirmities and illnesses. What a breath of fresh air!


Write away, L.A. Grawitch. You have the talent and the skill in crafting your story.


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Review of You are beautiful  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Hamsa:

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

It's Raid time and I'm visiting ports to find materials to read and review. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
First of all, follow standard formatting to make your narrative look readable and inviting. The reader will skip reading something that's straining to the eyes rather than entertaining. What I'm suggesting is to use indentions and line spacing when called for.

*Content
Something good can be gleaned from this narrative once it's edited, proofread, and tightened for clarity and readability.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for tightening and clarity:

"She can't do anything like men and she isn't less clever".

"A rose can never be a sun flower and a sun flower can never be a rose, All flowers are beautiful in their own way and that's like women too".

Use of Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: Typographical standard in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Although this rule is widely violated, it is worth pointing it out.

[Imagine..That natrualfeeling could become a challenge!][natural]

[These look like typos. From the above sentence, I'm not sure whether you're using an ellipsis or it's just a typo to put two periods after "Imagine." At any rate, let me point out what an ellipsis is to help you tighten your writing.

Use of ellipsis: Ellipsis points and suspension points are a punctuational devise composed of three spaced periods. They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. Ellipsis is also used to indicae that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

Spelling
unfourtantely [unfortunately]
[natrually ][naturally]
[infront ][in front]
[nomatter ][no matter ]
[previlige][privilege]
[miranda kerr][Miranda Kerr]
[dosen't][doesn't]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
If you're serious about your writing, do consider following conventional rules. Brush up on formatting, mechanics, punctuation marks, spelling, capitalizations, etcetera. Your sentence structures need reconstructing and polishing. I see capitalization of words that does not need capitalization. The way to improve your writing skills is to read more and pay close attention to how writers construct their sentences and paragraphs.

Also, have somebody read your work and ask for help. Then, take one last check before hitting SEND or POST. Two heads are better than one, as they say.

Keep writing, Hamsa. We all need to start from somewhere and you have taken this big leap to launch your interest in writing. Give yourself a pat on the back for your fortitude. Let that spirit live and thrive!

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Review of The Garden Calls  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Dance-Monkey:

...For the Super Power Reviewers

As you can see, it's month of May SuperPower Reviewer's Raid prompting me to visit your port and pick this piece to review and offer you my input.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. Snippets I cut and pasted are in italics.

Formatting
Your observance of standard formatting makes it easy for the reader to follow your line of thought.

*Content
I like the way you organized your thoughts to introduce the main subject which is your mother and her love for gardening.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:
Summer Saturdays are a precious commodity, irreplaceable treasures.
For subject-verb agreement, do one or the other:
[Summer Saturdays are precious commodities, irreplaceable treasures.]
[Summer Saturday is a precious commodity, an irreplaceable treasure.]

She is not dismayed by this dance that she does with her garden though, it is a simple two step; two steps this way and two steps back.

This is my revision suggestion:
She is not dismayed by this dance that she does with her garden though they are simple two steps: two steps this way and two steps back.

...she is in the throws of a grand finale
[For clarity and readability, did you mean throes?]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. It brought the experience close to the reader, making it pop and sparkle.

In this snippet: "They're amazing, mom", you can put mom in upper case Mom because you're addressing your mom. When you're referring to mom as "your/his/her/my/their" mom, then, it's lower case.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a beautiful observation you memorialized in black and white.
Keep writing, Dance-Monkey. You got the knack. The more you write, the better you will be.


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Review of My Fire Burns On  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, EOIWriting:

Thank you for your trust in me to review and offer you constructive critiquing with your work. I'm humbled as well as honored by this. Because it's month of May SuperPower Reviewer's Raid, may I submit this as raid review?
...For the Super Power Reviewers

Now, let me pore over it and offer you my take away. My observations, corrections and suggestions will be enclosed in brackets and color-coded green, if I come across any.

Formatting
A great free verse. I hear no rhyme or syllabic cadence yet it is powerful in its measure.

*Content
Such a profound expression of one's innermost feeling and emotion towards the object of one's love. Is this lover a dreamer? He dances in his dream with the object of his affection in boundless and matchless ecstasy. What fleeting fantasy I see. Yet, the image and memory live on long after she has come and gone...

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

When it comes to poetry, I tend to ignore standard rules of writing because of poetic license. The only criteria I adhere to is in the area of spelling if it's an utter defiance of convention. When in context, the violation sounds unintentional, then, I would call the poet's attention to fix it. In this poem, I see nothing that jars or causes my critical mind to pause.

*Disclaimer
I hope you understand that I'm not a poet. I enjoy reading poetry but my brain is too clumsy and dense to write poetry. All I can offer you is my limited comprehension of the deeper thoughts of the human soul.

*Over-all take away
What a powerful expression of emotion burning in the poet's heart.The making of a poet lies in the desire to put on paper the heartbeat of ones soul.

Keep writing, EOIWriting. You're born to write the language of the soul!


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Michaelmountain,

...For the Super Power Reviewers

It's month of May SuperPower Reviewer's Raid and I found your piece refreshing. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I love springtime! We come out of the cold; the dew in the morning brings new life all around; the coolness of April showers brings beauty and color to May flowers. Birds tweet and mate. So does all other living things that surround us.

This beautiful creation that wakes up and comes around in spring remind us that there is indeed a gardener who sends the rain and showers us with manna from heaven.

Thanks for sharing your perspective with Christ as the gardener and the source of all blessings and grace untold.

It's refreshing to know that we share the same mindset and acknowledgment of the provider of our very life. Hallelujah! Praise His name!

Here are a couple of snippets I cut and pasted that need minor fixes:

(eph 1:18). [Eph.][The books in the Bible are proper nouns. The first letter should always be in the upper case.]

Even the perennial cellar dwellars are looking to win the pennant every year. [Replace with dwellers]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great perspective, Michaelmountain. I'm always blessed with your wordsmithing skill. I hope you don't mind me giving you a 4.5 rating because of those two minor skirmishes I encountered.


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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, BBlackburnjr:

...For the Super Power Reviewers

It's month of May SuperPower Reviewers Raid as you can see. It means we visit your port and pick your work for review and input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. Snippets I cut and pasted are in italics.

*Content
This is a good start in your writing endeavor. Nice journal of your long awaited vacation. Keep writing and keep close watch of your punctuation marks. These squiggly things are a nuisance but they are necessary for clear writing.

*Mechanics
I encountered misspelled words that caused me to pause. To make sure that they are unintentional, take a closer look at your work before submitting them. Although spellcheck is unreliable because it picks its own spelling for you (auto-spellcheck, that is) it helps to do a spellcheck, nonetheless.

*Punctuation
Watch out for your punctuation marks, like the following:
The next day we drove to Minnesota[, It] was a long ride, but once we got to the mall of America it was worth it. [Replace comma with period.]

Walling into the mall, [You mean walking, right?]

I think my favorite part[,] was getting to ride the train around the entire zoo. [Remove comma]

*Spelling
Watch out for unintentional typos and misspellings. Auto-spellcheck is notorious for replacing our spelling, which ends up embarrassing and upsetting.
exited [excited]

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

I was sitting on the front porch talking to [me][my] cousin Audrey. [Replace pronoun "me" with "my"]

"Yeah, the only bad thing is going to be the car ride there[."][,] I said as I looked out over the yard.

[Attribution/Tag lines are part of the sentence. Use comma instead of a period You have a couple more with the same violation.]

I was a little [ terrifies ][ terrified ]looking up at the seventeen story beast. [Replace]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Just watch out for the correct use of tag lines in dialogues as I mentioned above.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Now that you have made your feet wet, you might as well soak them, right? Keep writing. And read voraciously. You will see a pattern and style from your readings that you will soon adopt.


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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Carly:

...For the Super Power Reviewers

It's month of May Superpower Reviewers Raid! So here I am, visiting ports, looking for stories and what have you to read and offer my take away.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Excitement and disappointment is blending for this rural gal in her move to the big city for the first time. That is understandable and poignant. As a rural gal myself, I was in awe, as well as, in distress when I first arrived in the city to attend college. It was exciting, yet, intimidating. But I adjusted and soon got used to it.

*Mechanics
Just watch out for unintentional misspellings that can take your context on a tangent. Auto-Spellcheck is notorious for this violation. There's an example I cut and pasted below.

*Punctuation
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:

She felt her world tip as the swell of bodies around her bumped and jostled herr. [Typo]

Smells rose up. Rotting trash, body odor, bus exhaust, fear and uncertainty.
[Do not lump "fear and uncertainty" into the mix. Make it separate because it throws off the context of "Smells rose up."]

Consider fixing this sentence with something like this:

["Smells rose up from rotting trash, body odor, and bus exhaust. Her fear and anxiety did not help matters either."]

All she could do was try to find her barings and go from there. [Fix the spelling. In this context, the correct spelling is bearings.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue giving life to your story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good exercise, Carly. Keep writing. You have what it takes to be a wordsmith.

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Review of First Day  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jacky:

...For the Super Power Reviewers

It's month of May review raid. It's time to visit some ports to find writings to review. So, here I am taking a peek at your work to give you my take away.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This flash fiction is nicely put together. I like your imagination and creative thoughts in organizing this story.

*Mechanics
You have a good command of the written word. Your story is moving smoothly using senses the reader can relate.

*Syntax
Good choice of words and terms that lead the reader to identify the object or goal of the story.

*Punctuation
Although I'm not big at encouraging the use of ellipsis, your use of ellipsis works in this sentence: "She was so...very...thirsty!" Caveat: Don't put a space between the third dot and the first letter of the word following.

*Dialogue
Your employment of dialogue puts life into your story. Excellently done. The only thing that I am not clear about is whether the speaker is the butterfly itself or a little child who watched the butterfly come out from its cocoon showing off it's colorful wings.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You demonstrated a keen observation of the laws of nature and the function of the senses. Nice job.

Write away, Jacky. You got what it takes to be a wordsmith.

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Review of Growing Up Pains  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
H, drifter:

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Such a tender and loving father you demonstrated in this account of your relationship with your daughter. It's totally gripping and touching. I feel your pang of nostalgia. I can totally identify with your sadness yet acceptance of the inevitable.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned,
here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

Teary eyed and bleary eyed
[Teary-eyed and bleary-eyed]

twenty years ago I was divorced when my daughter was only fourteen.
[Twenty][Don't forget to use upper case for beginning of the sentence.]

tug of war [tug-of-war]

tmobile phone [ T-mobile phone]

The other phone was put in a safe place until my wife, Sharon, decided she wanted it back,
[Separate the name with commas when a sentence is complete without the name.]

On Father's day[,] I asked her to take a trip with me to Massachusetts. [Insert comma]

She had not gone to Massachusetts in at least eight years[,] which was when I took her with her older brother. [Insert comma]

I finally got reconnected [to][with] her and got the semblance of an answer.[Replace]

*Dialogue
You might consider employing dialogue to show your interaction with each other. Dialogue put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and make your account pop and sparkle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away What a poignant account of a turning point. Your feelings are shared by parents all over the world, no matter what color or creed. There comes a fork in the road when we have to let go. It isn't easy but we have to accept our seeming loss! I say "seeming" because this is just a break in the cycle. One day, our adult children will come to grips with that separation and will come around in full circle.

Write away, drifter. Drift away in your memories and pen them for footprints sake.

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