|Hi, Sailor M:
This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Sunday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review interesting. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
Cute and entertaining story. The story is in the dialogue. This is a good example of making the story pop, dazzle and sizzle with the employment of dialogue.
As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.
"Oh, a fair share," Johnny said. "10%?"
"20%," I countered.
A small pot, but I got my 20%.
Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:
1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will, therefore, be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.
3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.
4) Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.
5) Percentages: In business, technical, and scientific contexts, use a numeral followed by the % symbol or the word percent: 34%; 56%.
In other contexts, the number and the word percent should be spelled out: thirty-five percent; forty percent, etc.
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Additionally, you have effectively involved the reader in the action.
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away
Delightfully entertaining story. I enjoyed it.
Write away, Sailor M. You got what it takes to be a writer.
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