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151
151
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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A Tribute to my mother on Mother's Day (18+)
At the end of the day, a mother's patience, forbearance, and perseverance paid off.
#2190868 by (159)
Not found in system.
For further assistance, please visit our "Technical Support Forum" and post with a detailed explanation the problem you are having. Copying and pasting both the error message above and the URL of this page will help us help you. Reference error number: #40217805

The above blurb is what I saw when I tried to add my work. Please show me how to submit a contribution to the Spiritual Newsletter in honor of mothers. (P.S.: I don't understand why we have to submit a rating before our request for help is accepted.)
152
152
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Jordan:
WDC SuperPower Reviewers Raid Sig #1
WDC SuperPower Reviewer’s Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
In the second paragraph, it is not clear who is talking to Eliza. Was it another person who introduced Dr. Schmidt to you, or, was it Dr. Schmidt himself, who referred to himself as the doctor who has a place for you? You might want to tweak this to clarify who is who in this scenario.]

The third paragraph does indicate that there are more than one doctor who are helping you out. What you need to do is just to clarify that one is introducing the other to you.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability and in observance of the standard American English usage:

I had [stould][stood?] in the foyer for two hours before the doctor would see me.[Misspelling?]

“Hello… I am Zophie.” she said. [Attribution - Dialogue tags are part of the sentence. Use a comma instead of a period to complete the sentence.]

*Dialogue
When you do dialogues, each speaker should start a new paragraph. This clarifies who is talking and alleviates confusion.]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a good starting point. Your introduction shows good potential for an intriguing story. Stay with it.

Now that you have launched your writing endeavor, learn more by reading more and observing how polished writers make their writing stand out.

Write away, Jordan.

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153
153
Review of Remission List  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Rhyssa:

WDC SuperPower Reviewers Raid Sig #1
May WDC Super Reviewer's Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to the random Read and Review port. So, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a poignant story that touches every heart and soul of those who've been through the same or similar health predicament you were put under. In fact, it touches the very core of my being because I am providing care for my ninety-year-old husband, who is bedridden, and may expire any day now; in addition, I take care of my ninety-four-year-old mother at the same time. She may go any moment too. We could call my travail "double jeopardy," to put it in a lighthearted perspective. Be that as it may, I count it a privilege and find it gratifying to be able to ease the suffering they are going through at the last stages of their existence.

Indeed, I feel your pain. In fact, I developed goosebumps as I was reading your account.
Savor every moment of your companionship. Every day is a blessed day to wake up and your loved one is still by your side.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I noticed only one area where a minor skirmish could be fixed but I digress because this is a direct quotation, which inclines me to leave it as is. Here is what I am referring to:

[“Besides,” he added, and there was laughter in his voice that must be directed at me and my frown, “they’re beautiful. Every time I see them, it reminds me that there is hope.] [Agreement of Subjects and Verbs: Simple rule: a singular subject requires a singular verb and a plural subject requires a plural verb./c}]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It moves the story and humanizes the characters to allow the reader to be "in on the action."

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I am truly touched by your story, Rhyssa. I can relate and appreciate the agony of not knowing what tomorrow brings. Remission to me brings back the song, "One Day at a Time."

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154
154
for entry "May 11, 2019
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for sharing, Chris. What a testimony of your love and devotion to your mother.

My ninety-four-year-old mother is still around but she's in hospice care in my home. She is the proverbial prayer warrior. She constantly prays for her six children. In addition, she prays for friends and relatives, especially those who are yet unsaved.

She's been with hospice care since October last year. She seems to be stabilizing. The nurses and doctors did not think she would last this long but she's still hanging in there. And I know where she gets her strength from. It's from her constant prayer and supplication, making known her desires to the author and finisher of our faith. She's truly an amazing woman who serves and trusts the Lord fully.

To all Moms who are faithfully trusting the Lord, Happy Mother's Day. May the good and loving Lord continually bless you and give you peace until he takes you back into his heavenly mansion.
155
155
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Mantis:

WDC SuperPower Reviewers Raid Sig #1
May WDC Superpowers Reviewer's Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to the random Read and Review port. Here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I don't particularly care to stumble over F-bombs when I read. I must be a prude. Be that as it may, the story is relatable and realistic.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation are concerned, the only comment I have over-all has to do with your overuse of ellipsis. Seems to me as though you love those little dots that make your readers figure out for themselves what you mean. I used to do this a lot until my mentor pointed out that a few dots may be fine but too many are annoying. Someone had compared the overuse of ellipsis as akin to putting on too much cologne. It's overpowering.

I also found one misspelling which is a common error I see:
[judgements] [judgments]

*Dialogue
I must say your employment of dialogue is great. The reader can see what these two characters are engaged in minute-by-minute through their bantering.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great employment of dialogue. Keep up the excellent job you're doing.

Write as only you can muster.


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156
156
for entry "May 6, 2019
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
So good to see you back, Chris Breva. Indeed, the Lord is cuddling you in his arms of love.
Also, praise the Lord you're catching up with your school work. That's important.

Faithfully follow doctor's orders and be back to the swing of things. We're here for you when you need us. And take it easy. Don't overdo your activities until you're fully on the go. Hear?

I'll check every morning to see if you blogged. If I don't see any posting, I'll fill in.

See you around, brother.
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QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns
(Miriam Day)
157
157
for entry "Worry
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, IceSkating SugarCube:

How refreshing it is to hear about your own struggles in maintaining a daily Bible reading. I am confronted with the same or similar stumbling block. It seems my "time for reflection and devotions" early in the morning is distracted by extra-curricular activities that pull me away.

My heart's desire is to stay connected with the Word because I find healing, peace, and trust in reading his assurance that there is nothing impossible with Him. He is my stay from day to day.

Indeed, He abides with us and guides us in our journey. Praise the Lord.
158
158
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thank you for sharing this poignant journey you had with your mom. In many ways, I am now going through what you've been through. The difference is I'm caring for two at the same time: my husband and my mother. It's a difficult journey yet, it's gratifying and fulfilling to be able to give of ourselves wholeheartedly at this crossroad.
159
159
Review of U.I.A.I.A  
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, kirky:
This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Thursday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are color-coded green.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading long paragraphs is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
Your story can sizzle, dazzle and hum once you observe proper formatting for clarity and readability. A little effort will go a long, long way!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, I highly recommend you take a second look at the formatting of your dialogues as I will point out with illustration below.

*Dialogue
I see you employed a certain amount of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues do break the monotony of narration and put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. The next step to do is to put each speaker in a new paragraph to be clear who is speaking.

To illustrate. I'll use your starting lines.

“What's your name son?”
“Jack, Jack Frigg,” I say still trembling from shock.
“Ok Jack, I have terrible news, I am sorry to say that despite our best efforts to save them, your parents have died.”

Another thing that I noticed from this sentence construction is where you put your terminating period in a quotation. So, let me share with you what I learned from
The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference. Typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Your story has potentials. What you need to do is to go back and follow standard formatting rules especially in dialogue because that's where you need a thorough clean-up.

Keep writing. I see you have the knack to put into writing what's cooking in your head. That's a good sign. Keep up the good work.

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160
160
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hi, Benmd95:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Tuesday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
I'd like to focus on one area of effective writing in relation to this manuscript you submitted. I want to talk about paragraphing.

The basic Rule is to keep one idea to one paragraph. When you begin to introduce a new idea, start a new paragraph.

The way your manuscript is formatted, it is taxing to the reader to read one whole blurb. To be perfectly honest with you, I stopped reading after the fifth sentence. Setting no paragraphing and transitions from one idea to the next is onerous and a turn-off. Be considerate with your readers and reviewers by making it easy and enjoyable to read your work.

Therefore, for purposes of our submissions, we don't have to follow standard rules in formatting in to-to, as we're not into publishing yet; but, for purposes of clarity and readability, here are a few guidelines we need to apply in our writing to enhance enjoyment for our readers:
*Make short paragraphs with one idea per paragraph
*No extra space between paragraphs
*Only one space between sentences
*If you choose to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like ***) on the line. (Some published writers suggest double spacing between paragraphs.)
*Make your Chapters stand out by separating each one from the rest of the narrative. I did not know you had a Chapter One and Chapter Two until I saw Chapter Three below.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you reformat your manuscript to observe standard rules in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I'll suspend offering you an over-all take away on the content because as I said, I stopped reading after the introductory first five sentences. My eyes cannot take it. If you decide to resubmit in the proper format, I would be inclined to read it thoroughly and offer you my input.

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161
161
Review of The Savannah  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, K. HBey:
** Image ID #2187849 Unavailable **

April Quill Nominations Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because you asked for a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Being that this exercise is an essay, I am looking for the elements that make an essay readable, understandable, and interesting. Such elements would start with a
1) Thesis - the statement that determines the primary focus;
2) Outline - of subject matter to build an effective structure;
3) Introduction;
4) Body; and,
5) Conclusion.

*Content
What I see in this manuscript sounds like a mere outline. It's skeletal at best that it needs more flesh and muscles to it to make it work. In other words, it's not enough to drop a sentence or two without detailing why it's there and how each information connects to the next.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

The Savannah and since years has become dryer.[This first sentence is a fragment. It cannot stand the way it's constructed.]

Lions are the masters of this locality. They provide their nutrition most from gazelles. There is [a][delete] real starvation of gazelles and in [a][insert] few years such specie will disappear.

From the above snippet (second paragraph), are you talking about an imaginary savannah (grassland) somewhere in our continent or a meadow characterized by coarse grasses and scattered tree growth, especially on the margins of the tropics where the rainfall is seasonal, as in eastern Africa? It helps to give the reader a location that is identifiable to be able to picture the scene in the reader's inner eye.

Also, when you capitalize Savannah, it's giving the impression that you're referring to a seaport in East Georgia, near the mouth of the Savannah River; or, a river flowing SE from East Georgia along most of the boundary between Georgia and South Carolina and into the Atlantic which is 314 miles long.

As a reader, I'm stumbling over the above uncertainty and it's slowing my reading pace.

Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated correctly. What you need to do is to be consistent. Pay close attention to the squiggles when working on quotations.
Here are some examples from this narrative:
Adonis says: "Silence please". [Adonis says "Silence please." Delete the colon]
Some animals say; "but they will kill us instead of gazelles. They are wild and carnivores." [Delete the semi-colon]

Some animals say: "they won't we are sure they are the strongest. They will kill us all." [Delete the colon]

"Hello great lions": Adonis says. The great lion gets a wild glance and in one cold word respond to the owl:" You?" [Delete the colon and move the response to the next paragraph.]
"Listen to me please lions; I will not take much of your time. I have some important information to tell you". [Replace semi-colon with period and put the terminating period inside the close quotation mark.]
Great lion Siba says: "what's up miserable owl? Tell quickly." [Remove the colon]

*Dialogue
I see you employed a certain amount of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues do break the monotony of narration and put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. For clarity and readability, each speaker should start a new paragraph in dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I pointed above, you need to work on the use of punctuation marks in dialogue to make this essay pass the reader and critique groups' fine-tooth comb nitpicking and shine.


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162
162
Review of Gritz  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Angus:
** Image ID #2187849 Unavailable **

April Quill Nominations Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. And because you asked for a review, here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a bizarre story. It's confusing for me. I cannot wrap the scene around my head to figure out which is head or tail: the characters are switching back and forth.

This story seems to be a product of one of your weird dreams. So, tell me: am I right or am I out of whack to think so?

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

As soon as they finished dinner[,] the two of them were settled on the couch in the living room watching the movie.[Insert comma]

[Dennis didn’t want to ruin the movie for her, but he was too befuddled by what he’d just seen[,] or didn’t see, that he told her anyway.] [What did he tell her?] [Remove comma in enclosed in brackets.]

[She picked it up and watched the TV screen as Mrs. Parker asked her if she had her doors locked.][Mrs Parker, the character in the movie, came alive and called Barbara on the phone?]

[Barbara couldn’t move. She heard Dennis yelling, and then a brief struggle.][So, Dennis wrestled with Gritz, the [psychopath] who came alive as well and entered Barbara and Dennis's house. Is that right?][That was my initial impression but I was wrong because the author changed the character to this blonde-haired psychopath with Barbara's meat clever, dripping with blood. Whose blood? Dennis?]

In the end, Mr. and Mrs. Parker were the real live characters instead of Dennis and Barbara Taylor who were watching the movie?

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and make the story move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
There were areas in the story that needed an explanation to make sense of the scenario. The let down for me was that it was a nothing-burger after all. Just as Mr. and Mrs. Parker concluded: No big deal. In their own words, "I'm sure they're just fine," with her response, "I hope so."

At any rate, keep writing. It's a good exercise.

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163
163
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Xarthin:

** Image ID #2187849 Unavailable **
April Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Honestly, I cannot wrap around my head the idea of making inanimate objects humans because of the following contradiction shown here. My brain cannot reconcile these two sentences where a mere speck of dust becomes a human being:

She wouldn't recognize her mother, even if she met her in the flesh. One couldn't truly tell the difference of features between a radioactive speck of dust and another.

Nadia gazed at her refined attire: the same, old uniform worn by students of the Muffley High School. And what about her hairstyle?

Once I get past this, then, I'm good at finding out the activities and interactions of the characters in the story.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

You really ought to cut your hair, flyboy [she thought]. [Delete attribution. When you italicize an internal thought, you don't need to add "she thought." That goes without saying. No attribution needed.]

Use of acronyms: Except for the traditional courtesy titles, use acronyms sparingly. They are almost always undesirable shortcuts that give your sentences a lazy impression. And if you must use acronyms, make sure that before using them, you provide the full term or words so your reader will not spend time wondering what they mean. In other words, only use them if you're confident that your reader will know what they stand for.

Abbreviated forms of the names of organizations and of technical terms can serve a useful purpose when they eliminate cumbersome repetition throughout a piece of writing. It is best to spell out the name or term in full for the first mention and slip the abbreviation between parenthesis immediately following the name so that readers can get acquainted with the abridged form.

Examples: DEFCON EMP

Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

"Oh yes—well. Sorry about that".

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and get the reader involved in the interaction.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I'm not a Sci-Fi enthusiast but I like the interaction between Nadia and Rudolph in this story. It's almost realistic.

Write away, Xarthin. You're doing very well, although, it will take me a long time to appreciate the SciFi genre. Nevertheless, I hope I'll get there somehow.

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164
164
Review of GRIN & BEAR IT  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, DRSmith:

** Image ID #2187849 Unavailable **
April Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I couldn't wait to get to the punchline! Funny.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

“I hear there’s plenty of them in these here hills, so a bear it is.” [Is this intentional? If not, then, it would be, "in these hills" (Delete here]

I managed just fine when stumbling across a hungry bear catching fish in a steam.
[Did you mean "stream?"]

but I simply wrassled him down [Did you mean "wrestled?"]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes the reader actively involved in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Ha ha ha. That's what he gets for imposing his theology on the contented bear who was minding his own business. Hilarious! I'm rolling on the floor laughing.

Write on! Make us laugh some more with your jokes.

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165
165
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Sailor M:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Sunday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review interesting. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Cute and entertaining story. The story is in the dialogue. This is a good example of making the story pop, dazzle and sizzle with the employment of dialogue.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.

"Oh, a fair share," Johnny said. "10%?"

"20%," I countered.

A small pot, but I got my 20%.

Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will, therefore, be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

4) Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half-past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.

5) Percentages: In business, technical, and scientific contexts, use a numeral followed by the % symbol or the word percent: 34%; 56%.
In other contexts, the number and the word percent should be spelled out: thirty-five percent; forty percent, etc.

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Additionally, you have effectively involved the reader in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Delightfully entertaining story. I enjoyed it.

Write away, Sailor M. You got what it takes to be a writer.

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166
166
Review of The Wave  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Ruth:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Monday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I can understand your reluctance to join the group and your decision not to get on the boat and headed home instead. So many times we look back and say, "I could have" or "I should have." These are decisions we make that we cannot go back and change. So many factors influence our decisions. Because our life's journey goes one way and there's no turning back, at times, we can take a risk and face the challenge. At the end of the day, hopefully, we can say, "No regrets!"

Point of View (POV)
You started with Second person POV. Stick with it. Limit yourself to one Perspective Character per scene. That means no switching POV characters within the same scene, let alone within the same paragraph or sentence. We need to remind ourselves to avoid sliding into an Omniscient viewpoint.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

You hadn’t wanted this tidal wave to stop
A wave that had started at the Cambodian Vietnamese border. You’d found a taxi for the[ 4-hour] journey to the coast.


[I am not sure if you did this sentence this way intentionally or not. It sounds awkward and needs fixing.]

jewellery [jewelry] [spelling]

You agreed to go the long way around [that][where] they wanted to go so they could eat crabs on the way to the beach,

I noticed you have the habit of using a comma instead of a period at the end of the sentence. Try to fix this and make your narrative hum.

And there are quite a few skirmishes in your over-all mechanics like the following examples:
I wa fascinated,
I was so tempted to say yes, to forget my [fight[[flight?] the next day back to my life.

Presentation of numbers: Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.

his early 60s feeling
What a joy at 53
If I was only 33 would have I gone.

Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out Ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

Uses of Italics Why are two-thirds of your work in italics? According to the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference, italics are used:
1) To call attention to a single letter or numeral
2) For foreign words or phrases that have yet to become a part of the English language
3) To emphasize a word or phrase within a sentence
4) For internal dialogue (instead of open and close quotation marks)
5) For titles of books or stories (as an alternative to open and close quotation marks).
6) The names of legal cases are italicized.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This story has potentials. What you need to do is revisit this and clean it up. Revise areas that may sound awkward and confusing. As in all writing, revision is the ticket to a story that readers can enjoy.

Keep writing, Ruth. You have potentials. You can do it.


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167
167
Review of Misguided Methods  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Laurie:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Saturday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great narration. The narrator sounds so real and credible. I am hooked. What a nightmare!

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

First, let me say, I can see you have a British background in your writing style with the use of t instead of ed for past tense as shown below:
leapt [leaped]; as well as the use of an archaic spelling:magick [magic]

Moreover, you're helping me increase my vocabulary by introducing words and terms not often used in conventional writing such as the following:
insentience [inanimate; not capable of feeling]
homunculus [an artificially made dwarf; a diminutive human being]

Unfortunately[,] my injury slowed me down considerably, and I lost track of Lena.[Insert comma]

Usually[,] I wouldn't be concerned as others do not hold my gift, however[,] with her animus still so instinct with life, the laws of magick lie broken already.[Insert comma]

Thankfully[,] I left my laptop down here; if you are reading this, you now know my dire plight.[Insert comma]

*Dialogue
I was going to talk you into trying to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other, but your conversational style of writing makes your story move. So, I'm going to leave it as it is.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I like your conversational style and voice. Though I am not a fan of horror stories, I like the way you presented this fantastic scenario. Keep writing, Laurie.


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168
168
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Michael:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Friday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review interesting. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a dream! What a dream! It's amazing how our subconscious state can create a world of the unknown such as Maia's dream. Imagine if it was real! This mystifying encounter is far out, indeed. I like the way you organized and presented this fantasy.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

They were [a] [delete] [kidnappers.] What they had planned she did not know, and she was powerless to stop them unless she could find help. [Agreement of subject and predicate.]

I noticed nuances in spelling between American English and British English:

recognise [recognize]
artefacts [artifacts]
realising [realizing ]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue cuts the monotony of plain narrative and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. In this story, if the rhino cannot talk, perhaps, you can employ internal dialogue where Maia talks to herself silently and vocally when called for in certain scenarios.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This is a mystifying and horrific story you created. It grips the reader and keeps him/her to the ending.

Write away, MichaelH. You have the knack.


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169
169
Review of Life of Anna  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Luna:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Friday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
I cannot determine whether this story is Fiction or Non-Fiction. It's sort of mixing up reality and imagination in your presentation of scenes.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, readability:

You ot to be, [Did you mean "ought?" [Misspelling]

*Dialogue
I see you're employing dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. What is missing here is the application of punctuation marks to clarify who is talking. I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated correctly. What you need to do is to be consistent. All your direct quotes should be in open and close quotation marks for clarity and readability. Additionally, start a new paragraph for each speaker for clarity and readability.

Point of View
Limit yourself to one Perspective Character per scene, preferably per chapter, ideally per book.That means no switching POV characters within the same scene, let alone within the same paragraph or sentence.
We need to remind ourselves to avoid sliding into an Omniscient viewpoint.
First person POV: the perspective character tells the story. {I am writing a story about myself}

Second person POV: (Uses “you”, “your” construction and the narrator makes “you,” the reader, become the protagonist. (More popular in non-fiction; rare in fiction.)

Third person POV: Most common in storytelling – third person. The story is about he or she/him or her, or the character is mentioned by name.

Third Person Omniscient: The story is still about he or she, but the narrator writes from the all-knowing, all-seeing perspective and is not even limited by time.
These are the recommendations I can offer you this time. As I pointed at the outset, formatting your manuscript for readability and clarity is paramount. This can be fixed and resolved as you keep on writing, as well as, reading works of authors who have proven themselves in their writing craftsmanship. Below is a snippet I cut and pasted to show you what I'm referring to: Are you talking about the same person or two different individuals?

***********
...By the time I made it to my door, the hours have passed by. I opened the door and slugged myself across the empty room then, plopped myself backwards on to the bed. I was drenched in sweat.

Staring off into space, she loses herself in the vast empty void. Floating endlessly into the deep abyss she disappeared. Waiting for someone to come a rescue her.

************
*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This first chapter has a potential to hook your reader with clean-up and polishing. This is especially true in the area of dialogue.

Keep writing, Luna. Go back and revise where areas need revising. It's hard work and time-consuming, but, it's worth your effort. Revising is what writing is all about.
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170
170
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, StoryMistress:

"If you can't rate it honestly, then don't rate it at all."
(I copied this quote from the above article because I want to make a comment on it.)

The rating choices do not include a box not to rate. If I skip filling the blank, an error flashes telling me I have not entered a rating and it will not let me proceed. There's no additional box to choose from for skipping a rating.

As a reviewer, I am turned off when I see manuscripts posted raw. The content might be good with great potential but I refuse to spend time reading it. Seems like the author is punishing the reviewer instead of offering work worthy of my time as no effort was shown in observing proper format and proofreading.

Additionally, as a reader, I read for enjoyment and entertainment. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously.
Now the problem is, the author will be upset if I give a low rating because I have not read the script.
"How can you rate my work when you have not read it?" Is the response I received from one who was upset that I gave his work a "Needs work" rating. Subsequently, I made it a point to explain why.
This happens when I see a whole page of manuscript in one blurb. The author plops his draft raw: not observing proper formatting.

I guess what I am saying is: Shouldn't there be another box, probably marked "Other" to handle complications like this?
171
171
Review of Machine Learning  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Irised:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Wednesday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green (when applicable).

Formatting
The way your manuscript is formatted, it is taxing to the reader to read in fine print. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. To be reader-friendly, inviting, and enjoying use the standard 12-point type; serif font; and the most common choice is Times Roman/Double-space manuscript.

*Content
Let me get to the elements of a Short Story right off the bat since you presented this as such.

A Short Story must have these parts to be considered one: Theme (plot); Setting (where); Characters - Who is your protagonist/antagonist - show conflict); Point of View (POV); Climax and Resolution. Simply, a short story needs a beginning, middle, and end.

Point of View
It's impressive how you maintained a single Point of View all throughout this presentation.

Here you used the Third Person Omniscient from beginning to end. The story is about Eros, and the narrator writes from the all-knowing, all-seeing perspective. Great job, Irised.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, *Punctuation Marks are concerned, you have a good command of the written language. I see no spelling skirmishes or typos that made me pause or raise my eyebrow.

*Dialogue
What I would have preferred to see are some back-and-forth conversations between Eros and someone who has caught his eye. Employing dialogue showing your character's interaction with each other would make your story pop, dazzle, and sizzle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great job, Irised. Keep writing.

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172
172
Review of The Fever Tree  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Pony Tale:
This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Wednesday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from random Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You created a fantastic, horrifying, and far out story that gave me goosebumps. What a nightmare! Good organization, presentation, and style.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability in observance of conventional writing rules:

Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks:
“Koors”. ["Koors."]
“Fever”. ["Fever."]

According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm merely pointing this out for what its' worth as I am aware you have the British style of writing.

Words I'm not familiar with. I had to consult the dictionary for their meaning , which helps increase my vocabulary:
baobabs
swarthy
ariose
nankeen
veldt
arpeggio
portentous
euphony
mellifluous
hirsute
cantabile

Nuances in spelling between American and British:
leapt [leaped]
tremolos [tremulous]

Were they beast or human[,] I wondered[,] as twinkling eyes flickered through the burning embers.[Insert comma]

...he said something in his native tongue while his fingers flew into the air, painting a scene with wild gestures which I could not understand.[This is a missed opportunity to create a foreign word to add uniqueness and bewilderment for the reader to ponder on.]

Without thinking[,] I inhaled a deep breath, [insert comma]

*Dialogue
I see you employed a certain amount of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues do break the monotony of narration and put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Get your reader to react and get involved in the action keeping his/her interest till the end of the story. This is good. Show more of it.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away and recommendations:
Incorporate your footnote somewhere in the story and chose the simple word over the complicated one. It makes for easy and enjoyable reading.

Write away, Pony Tale. I'm sure you have more creative tales to tell.

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173
173
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi,PureSciFi:
This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Tuesday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
How tragic for Lollian to be taken by the storm never to be seen again. Kind of reminds me somewhat of the movie Cocoon, remember? They were taken up and poof! They're gone for good.

Lollian looked like he was talking to himself. But he wasn’t. He was standing in front a Moving Image Monitor. The Moving Image Monitor was sitting on a Tall Table. And on that Monitor was Lollian.
It's kind of curious to me why you say that Lollian was not talking to himself because you pointed out that Lollian was on the Moving Image Monitor. It's a little bit awkward and confusing. You might want to tweak this scenario a tad if you intended to show that Lollian was talking to someone other than himself.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

A lot of people [thing][think] I’m crazy.[I have a strong suspicion that this typo is the result of auto-spellcheck. I dislike this feature with a passion.]

Lollian [Looked][looked] a lot different.[Change to lower case]

As soon as it did[,] Lollian hit a button on his chest.[Insert comma]

When it did[,] Lollian went flying into the air.[Insert comma]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
What a tragic ending. But with that question mark you ended this story with, I can see this is just a sliver of a bigger and broader story. Keep it going. You have aroused my curiosity.

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174
174
for entry "March 23, 2019
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
So, are you back today to resume blogging? So happy to see you back, Chris. What a wonderful news to see you back in the swing of things.

The last four days have been difficult for me to handle my daily chores too because of the tragic passing of my firstborn grandson early Wednesday morning. I didn't find the time to read my daily devotionals having this interruption.

Obviously, I am happy to see your blog right now. If you need me to cover for you again, just let me know. This interruption in my life and my family should pass eventually.

Welcome back. God bless you and keep you safe and secure in his love, mercy and grace.
175
175
Review of The Smart Qias.  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,fathima:

This is my way of introducing myself to you, fellow writer. I swing by ports, looking for something to keep me occupied on a quiet Thursday night. Fortunately for you, I find the title of this submission from Read and Review intriguing. So, let me stop in, take a read and offer you a review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

*Content
There is a potential for this story to pop and shine if you observe proper formatting and do serious revision.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:
their [their] [It pays to take a last look for typos before posting your work.]

Qias[,] the son of the great merchant Huba was 14-years old[fourteen-years old].[Insert commas and replace numerics with words for ages.]

Proper names (nouns) show always have the first letter in upper case in formal writing.
[But qias survived.[Qias]
sihaara village [Sihaara]

Presentation of Numbers
Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference has to say about the presentation of numbers.

Two easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.
3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other, especially when you're writing stories for children. A child's span of interest is very short. To be entertained, you, the author, must encapsulate their attention by employing dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I suggests you take another look at this story and make significant revisions to capture a child's imagination and to keep their interest to the very end.

Go ahead and revise this work. In addition, keep writing, paying close attention to what I have pointed out here. Make your story shine, pop, sizzle, and dazzle.


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