** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **
It's SuperPower Reviewers Winter Raid, so, here I am reading your story with a magnifying lens to find what I can bring to your attention.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.
What a terrifying ordeal you went through in this vignette. I felt as though I went through it as I followed the story from beginning to end. Good rendition of your narrative. Is this a real life experience or is this based on a real experience? In the end it sounds like you were lucky to escape death as you are able to write this horrible experience.
As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability based on conventional American writing technique and usage:
I don’t suppose that her leaving should have made much difference to us – she was so neglectful anyway – but it did. At that age, you’re just starting to think for yourself, and then if your last blood relative runs off without a single word of explanation or goodbye, I guess it must have some effect.
[There is a switch in Point of View (POV) Stick to one POV per paragraph for clarity and conciseness. Recommended revision:
I don’t suppose that her leaving should have made much difference to us – she was so neglectful anyway – but it did. At that age, I was just starting to think for myself; if my last blood relative runs off without a single word of explanation or goodbye, I guess it must have some effect on me.
[We stopped going to school, caused havoc in the streets, terrorised neighbours...]
Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.
*Spelling Nuance in spelling between American and British:
Which turned out to be a very unfortunate thing.[This is a fragment. Connect this to the previous sentence.]
I was impressionable and he was the only one around for me to aspire to be like. So I stuck with him, did whatever he did, or whatever he told me to do, which turned out to be a very unfortunate thing.
There’s and explosion inside my brain. [Replace and with an. This looks like a victim of auto-correct spelling.]
He sent me to [an] address, a safe house in the country. [Insert]
Good employment of dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It moves the story and make the characters alive as they converse.
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.
*Over-all take away
You captured the graphic images of terror, blood lusts, and savagery common to crime and gangsterism in this narrative. What a horrific episode you, the narrator, brilliantly encapsulated into words. With a second lease on life, you can write more stories only you have a first hand knowledge of to tell with accuracy. Keep writing. You have the knack.