*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/geomayr/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
Review Requests: ON
1,038 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 5 6 7 8 -9- 10 11 12 13 14 ... Next
201
201
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
H, Crystal:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
"transform into the beautiful butterflies we are meant to be."

Do I take it you believe in reincarnation? The belief that the soul, upon death of the body, comes back to earth in another body or form; rebirth of the soul into a new body. (According to Dictionary.com) Seems to be that's the premise you're trying to convey in this essay.

Personally, I don't look forward nor relish the thought that I will end up a butterfly, no matter how beautiful I will become. You see, according to Apostle Paul in Romans 8:29-30 and Ephesians 1:5 and verse 11, our lives have been predestined since the beginning of time to be conformed to the image of God's son, Jesus Christ; and having predestined, he created us to glorify him and praise his name. That's his plan and purpose for our lives.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

"Some of us are still transforming, and know everything,"

This statement has given me a pause for the main reason that - "nobody ever knows everything..." Some people may claim to know everything but the truth of the matter is nobody can know everything. We may know everything about something but nobody can know everything about everything.I used to be a know-it-all about every aspect of my job and I was unteachable but I knew next to nothing about somebody else's job. Our knowledge is limited to what is common and familiar in our surrounding but outside of our scope, we cannot claim to know everything.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Be that as it may, keep writing, Crystal Violet. You have plunged into the art of critical thinking and writing. Keep the ball rolling.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #2122266 over display limit. -?-
202
202
Review of MONSTERS  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, The Writer:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Although I may not totally agree with your opinion in this article, you presented it well. My role here is to review the writing mechanics and presentation. It's not to agree or disagree with your point of view.

Therefore, as far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

"Unlike Hitler, [president][President] Duterte is not a powerful speaker...." [Use upper case for first letter of titles of dignitaries.]

"who will rid me of this meddlesome priest"?
Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

In addition, you can use either italics or quotation marks but not both. It's redundant.

I remember the [interviewed][interview] conducted by Mike Wallace on Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran during the ["Iran Hostage Crisis".][No need to italize or enclose in quotation marks.]

Two years passed after that [interviewed][interview], President Sadat was murdered by a group of Egyptian renegade soldiers in a parade ceremony.

Like Khomeini[,]this monk is soft spoken and very gentle in his movement[,] yet his message against the Muslim minority is filled with hatred.[Insert comma for clarity, conciseness. and readability.]

When he was still a soldier[,]Hitler's passion was to fight to the end for his adopted country (Germany);[Insert comma]


I'm inclined to draw your attention to the uses of ellipsis according to The Writer's Digest because of the following snippet I cut and pasted from this article, which in part says this:
"or by any other controlling private power.... Among us today a concentration of private power without equal in history is growing."

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Dialogue
This feature is not applicable here as this is an article, unless, it includes direct quote from personalities and characters being mentioned.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I commend you for presenting an opinion-editorial piece well researched and well-written. Keep up the excellent job you're doing.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #2122266 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
203
203
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Zachary:

** Image ID #2160270 Unavailable **
January Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
I see you have incorporated dialoguing in your story. Take time to study how writers format dialogues. Direct quotations should be in quotation marks; start a new paragraph for each speaker. Let me show you some examples from your own work.

"Well, Jackson, there are many different things that could go wrong," said Ashley.
(Oh yeah did [i][I] forget to mention Ashley has the ability to read minds[.][?] No, hehe.....well she does and its awesome.) Jackson smirked and said gently, "Now Ashley what have [i][I] told you about reading my mind." Ashley giggled slightly, "Sorry not sorry."

The pronoun "I" should always be in upper case. No exceptions to this standard rule.

Use of Ellipsis is another issue I noticed from the above snippet. So, allow me to point out what Writer's Digest say about it. [No, hehe.....well she does and its awesome.]

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Content
This story has potential due to its bizarre nature. The important consideration you need to be aware of is to clean up run on sentences and dialogue formatting. Readers read for entertainment and enjoyment. Manuscripts riddled with run on sentences discourages the reader and prompts them to put it down and move on to something else to read.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax,*Punctuation Marks and the whole ball of wax is concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need fixing for clarity and readability:

new year's day [Possessive not plural]

As Jackson gained full consciousness[,] he began to panic.[Insert comma. Without it, it's a run on sentence.]

Nobody came and he was scared but how did this mischievous fox get stuck in a box[.][?] [Replace period with a question mark.]

"It was the dawn of a new day but not just any new day the last day of the year." [This is a run on sentence. Revise. Perhaps, something like this: It was the dawn of a new day but not just any new day. It's the last day of the year.]

Jackson was excited for the huge party [him][he] and Ashley are throwing tonight. [Replace]

"but [ashley][Ashley] had the connections..." [Proper names always use upper case for the first letter.]

*Dialogue
You have embedded dialogue into your whole narrative, which makes it difficult for the reader to follow. I highly suggests you revisit this manuscript and revise the areas with dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This story has a potential to shine, pop, and sparkle given the improvements I recommended. Go back to the drawing board and revise. It takes extra work but it's all worth it once you see the difference. Take a close look at run on sentences. They need fixing for clarity and readability.

Write on, Zachary. The more you write, the better you'll become as a writer. And read to your heart's content, paying close attention to the formatting and mechanics of the material you're reading.

My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
Image #2122266 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
204
204
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Bruce:
Image on share
Just flying by, looking for something to do while waiting for my laundry to finish.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I would love to read the first twenty-seven chapters to really appreciate the development and progress you built into your story. Even with just this episode, I can tell you have filled those chapters with action and intrigue to make it dazzle and sizzle.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks, and Spelling are concerned, you have a good command of the written word. Here is a snippet I cut and pasted that need a minor fix:

While we sat waiting[,] Badger commented on the amount of nurses that were going into his room and then coming out giggling.[Insert comma for clarity and readability.]

Also, I can readily see your British background from the following nuances in spelling I see:
Mum [Mom]
favour [favor]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and make the story move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Although I do not know the details of the story, as I am reading Chapter 28, I can see conflict, tension, romance, and intrigue in this chapter.

Good work, Bruce. Keep it up. I want to read the whole story.

Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
205
205
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Kiim:
Image on share

Just passing through the Hub and I saw your request for a review on this assignment. I couldn't resist responding to your request by clicking it.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
O.K. First things first, right?

For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

Also, observe standard practices such as using 12-point Font with Arial or New Times Roman. When you do above recommendations, your battle is half-won!

*Dialogue
You might try to employ dialogue by quoting what the three characters said as they interacted with each other to make your review pop, sizzle and dazzle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away.
These are the recommendations I can offer you this time. As I pointed at the outset, formatting your manuscript for readability and clarity is paramount. This can be fixed and resolved as you keep on writing, as well as, reading works of authors who have proven themselves in their writing craftsmanship.

Finally, revise with painstaking effort and good luck. You'll be pleased with yourself when you do.

Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
206
206
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, S.E. Mabson:
Image on share

Just passing through and this submission for a contest caught my eye.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Great dialogue presentation. The dialogue succeeded in bringing home clearly what the twins were up to. There should be a sequel to this. Are you going to expand this story? Looks to me you should because you can make so much twists and turns with their interactions with the foster parents, social workers, juvenile court, and whoever they meet at any point if they are allowed to run around loose. God forbid, not!


As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability according to conventional American writing:

Mrs. Klondine-Twins. [This is confusing. Looks like the author decided to hyphenate Mrs. Klondine last name four sentences later. I know that's not the author's intent but it sure gives a confusing take away. I believe the author was applying the m-dash here but it did not work as anticipated. A better way to handle this could be this way: [Ray Montgomery, a social worker, had two more children for Mrs. Klondine - and they were twins.]

"Those girls were found covered in their [parents][parent's] blood, hiding in their parents closet this evening. [Possessive noun - insert apostrophe]

hearts beat [heart's beat][Possessive noun - not plural]

Presentation of Numbers
Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference has to say about the presentation of numbers.

40 I think the officer said.
"47."
"47 times."
"12 in the stomach."
"15 in the legs."
"5 in the chest."
"10 in the arms."
"5 in the face."
"It took them 2 days to die."

Two easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:
1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.
3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, aged ninety-seven.


Their heads still hung [long][low?], and their hands held tightly together in their laps.(The following paragraphs later, the author did say "hang low.")

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes the story move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I pointed out at the outset, great presentation of climax in the dialogue. The content itself is mesmerizing and cleverly done. What needs refining is the mechanics in the presentation of numbers and a few grammatical fixes as I indicated above.

Keep up the good work, S.E. Mabson. You got the knack.


Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
207
207
Review of From above  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, EllaRose:
Image on share
Just flying by, looking for something to read and review while waiting for my date to arrive.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
We'll never know when we bump into the unexpected, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Did she ever thought that she could betray her husband's trust in her? And did she ever think that her husband would react the way he did? Yet a spirit came to deliver her from harm at the opportune time. Fantasy or dream? Whichever it is, good suspense you built into your story, EllaRose.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

She glanced at the clock.[ 5.15][5:15] it read.

She sinks into her chair more letting her mind wander to him... her love. She took in the warmth of the fireplace wishing he was here with her. Paris could not get the image out of her head. His lips on hers... feeling his warmth.

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

welcome to the church, we hope you will be coming back too' She smiled politely at him with a shyness in her eyes. [Awkward sentence. Punctuation needs fixing.]

And at that moment they had felt it. The chemistry between them. [The second sentence is a fragment. Revise for clarity and readability. How about doing it this way: And at that moment they had felt the chemistry between them.

'Miss Dome' He said before taking a deep breath.[Revise: "Miss Dome," he said before taking a deep breath.}

*Dialogue
His voice was deep with a jersey twang. "My name is Detective Alex Selene, I`ve been sent to take you into a safe house." He pulled out his badge. "Your friend Michael is currently being held captive by your husband. The police are doing everything they can, but we do not have his location and you are not safe here."

He walked over to Paris and motioned for her to take a seat. "Miss Malone, the detective you named and described to my colleague.... he died quite some time ago. And this was his apartment..."

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Good suspense story. You can make this story sizzle and dazzle if you pay special attention to punctuation marks in your dialogue.

Keep writing, EllaRose. You have the knack.


Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
208
208
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, LostClown:
Image on share

Just flying by, looking for something to keep me occupied while waiting for my date to pick me up.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Your point is well taken. Good exposition. I like the way you presented your take on what we're exposed to on Film and TV.

As far as *Mechanics,Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

a midst [amidst is one word]

or "emotions", [or "emotions,"]
[Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated. I'm pointing this out for what its' worth.

because...why not?
It's like...it makes me feel human.

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.

The stand-up Marc Maron said[;][,] "That's the big challenge of Life; to chisel disappointment into wisdom so people respect you and you don't annoy your friends with your whining." [Replace semi-colon with comma.]

*Dialogue
No applicable in this exercise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
As I demonstrated above, the only area you might want to focus on is in cleaning up and refining your punctuation marks; otherwise, your delivery is good.

Write away, LostClown. You're good for it.
Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
209
209
Review of The Passport  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, brom21:

Image on share

Just passing through trying to find something to occupy a couple of hours before bedtime. The title intrigued my fancy and I decided to give it a read.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Gosh, you have really taken the reader for an adventure chase and bumpy ride to end up in fantasy land. Sort of bizarre but entertaining.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Alex was stumbling over his thoughts,[ to][too] excited to start from a beginning.[Replace]

“Hopefully none of [the][them] have seen me,” said Alex.[Replace]

Both got into the car and [Vive][Vince?] drove off, looking very shocked and disturbed. “Spill it Alex.” [Typo?]

“Speed up! If we [each][reach?] the intersection first we can turn right!” [Replace. Must be a typo]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It puts action to the story and makes it move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Indeed. How fantastic you have created this make-believe story.

Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
210
210
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Roland King of Christmas Elves:

Just visiting ports to find what interesting Christmas stories and related matters to pore over. I decided to spend time to find what Roland King of Christmas Elves is up to.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a bizarre experience. It seems to be a dream of some sort. For me, vivid and un-explainable images like you've described only surface in my dreams.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability:

Still trying to do a headcount but at the moment i’m A little more concerned with the hand count.[Were these typos or intentionally done to show a point to your editing group?]

Shortly after[,] I heard a scream as my fingers bumped something. [Insert comma]

I suddenly felt stinging in my hand as [thought][though] something was slapping at it. [Replace]

I opened my eyes and saw I was hanging [form][from] the wall as one of the nurses in the Med Bay slapped at me with her eyes closed. [Replace]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes the story move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away.
I like the way you showed a graphic and realistic image of an unrealistic experience. That's creativity.

Keep writing.

My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
211
211
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Marcelino:

I was just surfing the Read and Review pane to see what interesting submissions I could pore over and offer an input on. What caught my eye is your description of a church which describes itself as "Prosperous."

How intriguing to notice such unusual image of a Christian church. I couldn't help but wonder if they call their church by that name because every member of that church is spiritually or materially rich? That remains to be seen, right?

I see your point in questioning the motivation of the organizers of this particular sect or denomination. Indeed, it is bewildering to mainstream Christian believers, although, who are we to question or judge their doctrinal stand.

As fundamental, evangelical Christian believers, we rest on the gospel of the saving grace of Jesus Christ as proclaimed in the Word of God, the Bible. Anything outside of this premise do not measure up as authentic or canonized, right?

I am glad you are calling this church's in-adherence to the Scriptural teachings. And yes, I hope the rest of the world can see the obvious fallacy of their foundational doctrines and beliefs.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
Great content. I totally agree with you.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, I find your narrative written well. I hardly noticed any punctuational or mechanical skirmishes to bring to your attention.

*Dialogue
This is inapplicable in this article.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I am a born again Christian, saved by grace and the precious blood of Jesus. I'm with you all the way.

Finally, Merry Christmas!


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
212
212
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,Sum1:

Merry Christmas!

Surfing through Read and Review this poem caught my eye. And for a reason. It's poignant and hits home for me.

I am not going through the routine of reviewing to offer my critique with this poem. I just want you to know that I am so touched by how accurate your description is when a loved one is going through the sunset of one's life.

My husband is ninety years old. I am eighteen years younger than he is. In the last five years I have witnessed his memory lapses on a day to day basis. Recently though, like in the last five months, there was a sudden turn of event that drastically changed our world. He couldn't respond sensibly to a topic of conversation any longer. His answers come out of left field. He keeps on falling but he is too vain to use a cane, a walker or a wheelchair. Does that sound familiar?

He hallucinates and talks about going home. I tell him we are home. He insists on leaving, saying, "How long are we staying here? We've been here too long."

"We are home, honey. We're not going anywhere." I tell him as gently and as matter-of-factly as I can. He quiets down and is temporarily satisfied with that answer. We go through this everyday with a far away look in his eyes.

*Over-all take away
This poem describes my husband's present condition in to-to.

Thank you for sharing.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
213
213
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,askpaddy:
** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **
It's SuperPower Reviewers Winter Raid that brings me to your port today. And this is the second story I encountered that qualifies for this Winter Raid.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
You're a good storyteller for children, askpaddy. Delightful and entertaining stories that captivates children's imagination seems to be your craft.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity, conciseness and readability in sync with conventional American writing and usage:

They lived with their Mum and Dad in a tiny village in a beautiful valley between two big high mountains.

[My understanding from all the writing workshops and classes I attended is that the first letter in mom and dad should not be in upper case when it's introduced by a pronoun. The only time Mom or Dad is in upper case is when one is addressing one's mom and dad, such as: "Hey, Mom (or Dad), are you coming tonight?" or, "Mother, may I?" This applies to mum as well in this story.]

Hey, look at this. You did it right in this sentence: Of course, they couldn’t tell their mum and dad.

Maybe the fairy had been naughty and didn’t get this [year's] one hundred wishes? [Insert apostrophe for a possessive noun.]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.It captivates the reader making him/her a participant in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away

This story is a great way to teach children giving, sharing, empathy, kindness, and self-control. Also, Ending One or Ending Two will work either way.

Write away, askpaddy. You have the knack. Use it to your advantage.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
214
214
Review of Ronnie Winters  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,Sabrina49:

** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **
It's SuperPower Reviewers Winter Raid, so, here I am reading your story with a magnifying lens to find what I can bring to your attention.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What a terrifying ordeal you went through in this vignette. I felt as though I went through it as I followed the story from beginning to end. Good rendition of your narrative. Is this a real life experience or is this based on a real experience? In the end it sounds like you were lucky to escape death as you are able to write this horrible experience.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability based on conventional American writing technique and usage:

I don’t suppose that her leaving should have made much difference to us – she was so neglectful anyway – but it did. At that age, you’re just starting to think for yourself, and then if your last blood relative runs off without a single word of explanation or goodbye, I guess it must have some effect.

[There is a switch in Point of View (POV) Stick to one POV per paragraph for clarity and conciseness. Recommended revision:

I don’t suppose that her leaving should have made much difference to us – she was so neglectful anyway – but it did. At that age, I was just starting to think for myself; if my last blood relative runs off without a single word of explanation or goodbye, I guess it must have some effect on me.

[We stopped going to school, caused havoc in the streets, terrorised neighbours...]

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Spelling Nuance in spelling between American and British:

terrorised terrorized
neighbours neighbors
idolised idolized
realise realize
taught tout

Which turned out to be a very unfortunate thing.[This is a fragment. Connect this to the previous sentence.]
I was impressionable and he was the only one around for me to aspire to be like. So I stuck with him, did whatever he did, or whatever he told me to do, which turned out to be a very unfortunate thing.

There’s and explosion inside my brain. [Replace and with an. This looks like a victim of auto-correct spelling.]

He sent me to [an] address, a safe house in the country. [Insert]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It moves the story and make the characters alive as they converse.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
You captured the graphic images of terror, blood lusts, and savagery common to crime and gangsterism in this narrative. What a horrific episode you, the narrator, brilliantly encapsulated into words. With a second lease on life, you can write more stories only you have a first hand knowledge of to tell with accuracy. Keep writing. You have the knack.

My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
215
215
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,TheNoMonster:

** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **
It's SuperPower Reviewer's Winter Raid, so, here I am gobbling over your Christmas story.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
It's quite an entertaining story for children in their wonder years.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, your output is flawless. But because my role as a reviewer is to be picky, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for clarity and readability in observance of conventional writing rules:

And there was no doubt, it being well after even his Mom and Dad went to sleep, that it was dark outside.

"One boy, that’s me, and two girls, my big and little sisters, and my Mom and Dad."

[My understanding from all the writing workshops and classes I attended is that the first letter in mom and dad should not be in upper case when it's introduced by a pronoun. The only time Mom or Dad is in upper case is when one is addressing one's mom and dad, such as: "Hey, Mom (or Dad), are you coming tonight?" or, "Mother, may I?"

His mother, father, and two sisters were looking at the Christmas tree as if something were wrong. [Replace were with was. Agreement in number]

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes the story come to life as it moves.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away You're quite a storyteller, TheNoMonster. I like how you organized the timeline. The only questions left for me as a reader are these: Did Hank ever find out who the pirate was? Was he convinced it was Santa because of the presents? Will it remain a mystery all throughout his wonder years?

Good work. Keep it up. Children's stories are in great demand.

My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
216
216
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,askpaddy:

** Image ID #2176723 Unavailable **

It's Christmas Winter Raid and I found the title of your story worth the time to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Delightfully entertaining story.Should I say Father Matthew got what he asked for? Ha-ha-ha! Nicely told.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted to point out some rules and nuances in conventional writing:

“Parish Priest Poleaxed by Christmas Crib Shepherd”.
“To Fleece the Public at Church Fetes”.
“Gifts for Your Minister”.
“skidpan driving experience”,

“Heaven to Hell in 50 seconds.”

[Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks: According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the U.S. requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Understandably, this convention is widely violated.

I do notice that some of your quotations are punctuated according to convention. What you need to do is to be consistent. Pay close attention to the squiggles when working on quotations.


At four o’clock in the afternoon[,] a Parishioner, normally a good catholic, was wending his way home past the church having been celebrating in the Pub since lunchtime.[Insert comma]

*Dialogue
Also, try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Puts the reader in the center of the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away From this reading, I encountered new words I can add to my vocabulary. I had to reach for my dictionary to find the meaning of poleaxe and wending. This is the beauty we gain from reviewing.
Thanks for sharing and Merry Christmas!


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
217
217
Review of The Beginning  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Goku:

Image on share
October Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.

*Content
Now, let me look at the content of this First Chapter of a potential novel applying paragraphing for readability. This is my tentative version which can be proofread and edited later:

"Perfection is not something you can attain and yet I say, the world doesn't require perfection. Why? Class, I want your opinions."

"This is my philosophy professor."

Professor McKinney teaches us philosophy and asks us deep questions.

Hello! I am Sam and I am eleven years old. This is the story of my life in the Island of the great Palamino. I can explain about this later but here is one thing that distinguishes our land from the rest of the world - Magic.

"Well? Seems like no one wants to cooperate. Then I will call you out," he said with a frown. "How about you Sam? Answer me. Why is perfection not required in the world?"

Oh great. The reason [why I hate to answer questions in his classes] is because he gives you this 'special punishment' if you don't answer his questions correct. Don't ask me what it is. I have never experienced it before nor have my friends. Most seniors say its too terrifying to talk about.

I stood up slowly from my seat, my mind racing for something to say. I hoped the bell would ring soon. I took a deep breath and said, (without any hope) "The world is never a perfect place because perfection is an ego that could drive people evil. In their pursuit to the absolute perfection[,] people tend to forget the sins they have committed and that's why perfection is not required."

The whole class held its breath and looked at the professor. He raised an eyebrow and said,
"I appreciate that you have a good mind but you look at things in one way. Perfection can also be good. You spoke negatively and hence you have detention."

What? That's not fair. I answered his question and now I am gonna be the first among my friends to receive punishment just because I got the answer right!


*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It moves the story and humanizes the characters to allow the reader to be "in on the action."

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Is my suggested first draft more readable than the one you posted? From here, one can proceed to proofread, edit and revise. I hope this is helpful.

Keep writing, Goku. You'll stumble a few times and maybe fall. But, you'll get up and pick up from where you left off. It will be a satisfying journey for anyone who aspires to be a successful writer.

With that said, keep writing. You have the spirit, the will and determination. You'll arrive in no time at all.


Image #2023081 over display limit. -?-
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
218
218
Review of Mind Talks  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Nimey_writes:

** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **
October Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
The secret glances we steal from everyone else. It feels so wrong but I know we cannot avoid it.

I find this intriguing. Is it a forbidden attraction to each other that hinders them from openly showing it? Would the story end up where they are yielding to temptation rather than resisting it? That remains to be seen. Good hook, Nimey.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

Use of Ellipsis:

This is how I feel about us, the connection I feel.......

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

When we talk it's never personal and no-one will ever guess [what][what's] going on in our heads. [Replace]

We don't have to say anything[. It's]just our eye dancing with no words coming out.[Insert period and start a new sentence.]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes your story shine, pop and sparkle.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I can see this is just a sliver of a bigger and broader story. Keep it going, Nimey. You have aroused my curiosity.

Write away.

My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
219
219
Review of Red  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,dav.inci:
** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

October Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
What is curious to me is to see her (By the way, giving "her" a name could make her more human and personal to the reader) press as hard as she could to emphasize the red color? I can see anger instead of a passionate romance emanating from it in your characterization of her in bolding the redness in the coloring book.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, *Punctuation marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability and clarity:

But first, allow me to comment on your spellings. I can see you have a British background because of how you spell some words that are spelled differently from the American Standard use. Such nuance in spelling are the following:

colour - color

colouring - coloring

realise - realize

favourite - favorite

realisation - realization


Use of Ellipsis: May I point out to you what the uses of ellipsis are? Here's where you applied its use:

Going back to the same page and meeting the dress made her realise red was her favourite colour... every time she looked at red, she recalled the moment of meeting her true love which caused her to develop a feeling of passion.

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Dialogue
This element is not called for in this exercise. I'll forego making a comment on it.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I understand this is not a "stand-alone" piece of work, right? It's part of a bigger and broader manuscript. Wherever you're inserting this blurb, it's an excellent way of describing how the color Red made a lasting imprint in her inner eye.

Good work, dav. Keep writing.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
220
220
Review of The Premonition  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Firefly:
** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

It's WDC Superpower Reviewer's Group October Raid it is! So, here I come eagerly looking for materials to raid and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
For some reason, the theme of your short story "Premonition" did not work for me in the context of the story.

[Time had proven that the professor's premonition wasn't completely wrong.]
I did not see what was so evil or foreboding in the professor's remark. It seems to me what the professor said was a matter of fact, practical and rational. ("So? Don't you have your own say? If you don't stand your ground, how will you survive in the industry?")

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. All you need here is to apply conventional use of punctuation marks for readability and clarity.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Over-all, you need to clean-up your punctuation marks. This is the area where extensive work is needed.

At any rate, write away, Firefly. Work on your writing potential. You're on your way. Stay with it.

My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
221
221
Review of Isabella  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Antonette:

** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **
October Raid has led QueenOwl's wings to your port. So here she lands to pore over your literary piece.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Let me get to the elements of a Short Story right of the bat inasmuch as you presented this as such.

A Short Story must have these parts to be considered one: Theme (plot); Setting (where); Characters - Who is your protagonist/antagonist - show conflict); Point of View (POV); Climax and Resolution. Simply, a short story needs a beginning, middle and end.

This piece does not resemble the above characterization. Consider going back to the drawing board and do extensive revision.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,*Spelling and the whole ball of wax is concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for readability, conciseness and clarity:

sorrounds [surrounds]

She never gets compliment [to][for] all the good things she did.[Replace]

The confidence inside her[,] does not show on her face [its] not because she wanted to, but because she was told to stay humble no matter what.[Delete]

She considers herself blessed. Not because she likes to feel it. But because God said it so. [Use correct punctuation. This is a fragment.]

She's like a wind ready to go in any direction as long as that path is [leaded][lead] by God.

She's a risker, that her heart was wounded a hundred times but always ready to stand up cause she knows that as long as you [she]can feel pain and ache, you're[she's] alive. Which means there is more time to heal yourself [herself]and get up again. [Switch in POV. Revise for readability and clarity]

[Your last two paragraphs keep switching between she and you. Stay with one POV for readability and consistency.]

*Dialogue
This element would the the icing on the cake on a short story. Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Keep writing, Antonette, and read short stories to see the pattern. As you read more and write more, you'll find your AHA moment right at your fingertips. Finally, when your draft is done, revise. Revision is the key that all writers hate but cannot dismiss willy-nilly.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
222
222
Review of Kate the Great  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Kate:

** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

It's WDC SuperPower Reviewers Group September Raid that brought me to your port today. I hope you're eagerly anticipating some visitors to read this masterpiece to give you their input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, separated by a space, as well.

*Content
I can empathize with Kate's struggle and suffering from the physical ailment she went through as a pre-teen, which continued through her adolescence. What an awful way to face life at such a young age who anticipates big dreams and accomplishments in her journey.

It's so refreshing to know that life was not all dim and gloomy for her. With the partnership of her High School friend, Sara-Jane, she found a new lease on life and as the author aptly stated in Sara-Jane's perspective, "SJ always said they would do something great for mankind someday. Kate had no idea SJ would be telling the truth."

I couldn't wait to read the next chapter to find out what "great" thing these two girls have done or will do. Good cliffhanger, Kate.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation Marks are concerned, what slows down your story and discourages your reader from reading to the end are the formatting and grammatical violations in the whole manuscript. Take your time in paying attention to the nuts and bolts of writing for clarity and readability. Read your draft aloud and listen to your pauses. Every time you pause, put a comma. You'll find a big difference in the sound of your written work.

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for conciseness, clarity, and readability:

When Kate was 12 yrs old she had [a] brain aneurysm.[Delete article. Not needed.]

12 year old [12-year-old]

18 years old [18-years-old]

10 story building [10-story building]

You all know who Christopher Reeves is[,]right?[Insert comma]

Kate sure didn't know what the [h] was going on.[Choose an alternative term if you're uncomfortable using the word standing for "h."

The school nurse, Kathy[,] was a special kind of stupid.[Insert the proper noun inside two commas as the sentence can stand without it.]

Kathy obviously didn't believe her[,] seeing as how Kate went to her office quite a number of times[,] before finally on the third attempt[,] Kathy said she would call Kate’s mom and gave Kate an ice pack to put on her head, like an ice pack was going to help.[Sentence too long. Break it down to two or three short sentences.]

The next 20 [twenty]days it seemed she had a doctor appointment everyday.

Presentation of Numbers
Two easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:
1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.
2) When numbers are used frequently such as useful business-related, technical and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
I suggests you consider revising this narrative observing conventional grammar rules. The secret of honing your writing skills is to revisit and revise until it sparkles, sizzles and hums.

Write away, Kate. You have the spirit and the potential to make your writing shine.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
223
223
Review of Embraced By Light  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Prosperous Snow:
** Image ID #2153920 Unavailable **

Just passing through trying to find something to raid on this WDC SuperPower Reviewers Group September Raid week-end. Embraced by the Light caught my eye and I decided to stop in and give it a read.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Indeed, I can just imagine what newborn babies would say if given the gift of tongue the moment they see the first ray of light after being cooped up for nine months in darkness. I bet, they would have myriads of experiences to tell. These are the untold stories yet to be told!

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking in accordance with conventional grammar rules:

Then I saw a beam of light...

...slice through the night, like a drill taking a core sample of arctic ice.

Regarding the above snippet I cut and pasted, I'd like to point out to you what The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference says about the uses of ellipsis, for what it's worth.

Uses of Ellipsis
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.
First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose. If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period. If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

I know. I'm still guilty in using the ellipsis not for its intended use. I'm just as guilty as everybody else is. This is why I make it a point to make everybody aware so we can correct our bad habit of using it improperly.

As I listened[,] I realized that some of the voices were calling my name.[Insert comma]

As I descended through the tunnel, I [heard?] voices and the light changed, while the symbols disappeared. [Insert missing word]

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great intuitive exposition, Prosperous Snow. What I didn't quite get at first was whether the narrator is the woman giving birth or the baby being delivered. But after rereading the last paragraph, I decided it's the baby coming out, right? It's the newborn's point of view! I get it.

Nice work, PS. Write away!


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
224
224
Review of What's In A Name?  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,Than Pence:
** Image ID #2151455 Unavailable **

It's Flash Friday Raid and it brought me to your port.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
This is a subject that pulls the strings of my psyche. You want to know why? I bet you can guess why. Yes, my registered named at birth is not what I know it to be until I was twenty-seven years old and had to dig my birth certificate in order to immigrate to the USA.

Once I discovered that name, I was pleased to know that it's not who everybody knew me as. But I had to show it as my name because it was the only reference to who I was, where I was born, when I was born and who my parents are.

Before my swearing in as a naturalized US citizen, the Clerk asked me if I wanted to change my name. It was my opportunity to say, "Yes, Please. Drop the second name."

So I was liberated from that name I deplored. On the other hand, I'm glad that Amy came to accept her name at a certain point in her travail with it. I'd say, good for her.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax, and *Punctuation Marks are concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that might need a special attention for tweaking. I am referring to the Punctuation Marks and Closing Quotation Marks in the following examples:

Amy hated that, being called “Rice”. ["Rice."]

“Rice-a-Roni”, “Minute Rice”, ["Rice-a-Roni," "Minute Rice,"]

She groaned a little because the side facing Mr. Bomkit was the side that read “Next Teller Please”. ["Next Teller, please."]

According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks - regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. Although, I may add that this convention is widely violated. I merely point this out for what its worth.

Use of Ellipsis
Amy frowned and wondered what not having a boyfriend had to do with anything in the bank… when she realized that Mr. Bomkit was gently rapping his palm against her nameplate.

Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are a punctuational device composed of a trio of spaced periods. They must fit in a single line. Ellipsis have two important functions:

1) They are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance. In such sentences, one blank space precedes the ellipses, but no blank space separates the final period of the ellipses from the closing quotation mark. Moreover, no additional period is added as terminal punctuation.

2) The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue making your characters interact with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the reader participate in the action. Well done.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Great development of your narrative, Than. When I have more time, I'll visit your port and read more to get the feel for your style and voice.


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
225
225
Review of Mom to Grandma  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi, Angie :
** Image ID #2151455 Unavailable **

It's Flash Friday Review and I landed in your port looking for materials to raid.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
Because this is a short story, you need to format it as a short story. To me, this looks like a summary. The three basic elements of a short story are: Beginning, middle, and ending. They should be in separate paragraphs.

*Content
Your account of having a child at seventeen, picking the wrong person to partner, and seeing your son grow up to be a wonderful son; then himself becoming a dad - giving you joy as a Grandma has all the elements of a great story to tell.

I suggests, you go back to the drawing board and tell the story in detail that grips the heart and soul of your reader. Tell of the joys and sorrows you encountered. Tell of how you survive the ordeal you went through. What gave you strength when you didn't think you had it in you to overcome the hardships. This account is worth your time and effort to make it engaging.

*Dialogue
When you do rewrite this, try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you seriously consider formatting your narrative, thereby, tightening some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
My strong suggestion is for you to rewrite this in an engaging way so as to win the hearts of your readers. The secret of writing is to revise, until the story hums and sparkles.

Keep writing, Angie. You have the potential. Work on it. It isn't easy but it's all worth the time, effort, and stretching of your imagination. And I would love to read the revision, deal?


My personal signature awarded by The Art of Criticism Project Enshrinement.
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
548 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 22 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/geomayr/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9