Thanks for stating when this was made. Had you not, I would have gone crazy with pointing out errors and would have given you three stars or less. I did decide to point outs some errors to get you started if you ever edit this. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine or not.
Here you need quotes. The omission of quotes is prevalent through ought this.
(The idiots that come here underestimate the rumor of our skill. They wish to destroy the indestructible, to break the unbreakable.)
Same thing with this one.
(If you say so, Shade.)
Here I would put “Also called” after Tales of Shade to show that there are two names for the same person. The double comma confuses things.
(Tales of Shade, the Untouchable Terror, had brought mercenaries and fortune seekers out by the hundreds, and Offic had easily dispatched every one of them.)
Here I would put "see" instead of "sense" near the end of theparagraph. Better to be specific in this example. Also, "then dropped to the ground lightly" by itself does not make sense alone. I would just mention something soft that breaks the enemy's fall.
(The snap of a twig alerted him to the danger, and he barely managed to draw Tlig’fin in time to block the blade swinging towards his head. They met with a clang, and his attacker hung suspended for a moment, then dropped to the ground lightly. Behind the black mask, Offic could sense the beginnings of a cruel sneer.)
Once again, quotes are needed.
(Annoying one, isn’t he? Offic’s sword asked. I give him five seconds, maybe less.
For this one I am confused. Is he blindly swinging the sword behind him? I think you meant to say he turned to fight the ones who were behind him.
(Agreed. He’s an amateur.” Offic swung the sword casually behind himself, neatly slicing through the other man’s midsection. He fell in a heap, clutching the wound desperately.)
Quotes again.
(It was only fifteen, counting that last one. The sword responded. And the day isn’t done.)
With this one, go easy on the food descriptions. It is pointless.
(Touché.” Offic conceded, grabbing the pot away from the fire with his sleeve, then, dishing the vegetables out into a small wooden bowl, proceeded to slowly munch on the boiled food. “You know, when most people think of Shade, they never imagine someone with a small cottage and a garden. They think of someone surrounded in a shroud of darkness, an unquenchable bloodlust trapped in their eyes. The truth is, I dislike battle almost as much as the constant annoyances that harass us every day. But there is one thing I absolutely hate. Do you know what that is?”)
Fianlly, it seems you missed saying what happened after the first sentance. I would also change "flashed" so "slashed." Or, if you want, you could say something like "his flashing sword sliced through there bodies that became lifeless as they fell to the ground."
(He met five more attackers on the road, all from the Order, and Tlig’fin flashed five times. Their bodies never moved again.
Like I said, given the situation, I will overlook the amount of grammar and sentance level errors. I picked out only a few. They are easy to spot with a slow, outloud re-read. Hence, I will give this early work a four star rating. How much do you think you have improved since then? And, happy WDC anniversary!
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