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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Before I elaborate, I will say that this is my own reasoning and opinion. Leave and take what you want.

Here, I feel the last sentence could be condensed to-“Ignoring what is said, and listening to that which was never there.” Here I am just omitting and replacing a few words but I think it makes this stronger.

(There are countless times when I wish I had listened with my eyes open. Not listening to what is being said and hearing something which was never there.)

Here, I think you coudl do the same thing and put-...off'. Stayed in bed, held you in my arms listening to your breathing that warmed my head. It's the only place I feel that I am safe and comfortable being me.)


(...off'. Stayed in bed, held you in my arms listening to your breathing, feeling your warm breath on my head. It's the only place I feel that I am safe; where I actually feel comfortable being me.)

With these small things aside, I loved your prose. I thought it was very honest and articulated. You came up with a very simple narration as far as individual descriptions. Good job and write on!

Also I think the paragraph before the last line could be omitted or changed. It sounds too matter-of-factly. By this I mean it sounds like a simple record of events and does not tie in with the whole feel of the prose.

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Review of Shade Part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for stating when this was made. Had you not, I would have gone crazy with pointing out errors and would have given you three stars or less. I did decide to point outs some errors to get you started if you ever edit this. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine or not.

Here you need quotes. The omission of quotes is prevalent through ought this.

(The idiots that come here underestimate the rumor of our skill. They wish to destroy the indestructible, to break the unbreakable.)

Same thing with this one.

(If you say so, Shade.)


Here I would put “Also called” after Tales of Shade to show that there are two names for the same person. The double comma confuses things.

(Tales of Shade, the Untouchable Terror, had brought mercenaries and fortune seekers out by the hundreds, and Offic had easily dispatched every one of them.)

Here I would put "see" instead of "sense" near the end of theparagraph. Better to be specific in this example. Also, "then dropped to the ground lightly" by itself does not make sense alone. I would just mention something soft that breaks the enemy's fall.

(The snap of a twig alerted him to the danger, and he barely managed to draw Tlig’fin in time to block the blade swinging towards his head. They met with a clang, and his attacker hung suspended for a moment, then dropped to the ground lightly. Behind the black mask, Offic could sense the beginnings of a cruel sneer.)

Once again, quotes are needed.

(Annoying one, isn’t he? Offic’s sword asked. I give him five seconds, maybe less.

For this one I am confused. Is he blindly swinging the sword behind him? I think you meant to say he turned to fight the ones who were behind him.

(Agreed. He’s an amateur.” Offic swung the sword casually behind himself, neatly slicing through the other man’s midsection. He fell in a heap, clutching the wound desperately.)

Quotes again.

(It was only fifteen, counting that last one. The sword responded. And the day isn’t done.)

With this one, go easy on the food descriptions. It is pointless.

(Touché.” Offic conceded, grabbing the pot away from the fire with his sleeve, then, dishing the vegetables out into a small wooden bowl, proceeded to slowly munch on the boiled food. “You know, when most people think of Shade, they never imagine someone with a small cottage and a garden. They think of someone surrounded in a shroud of darkness, an unquenchable bloodlust trapped in their eyes. The truth is, I dislike battle almost as much as the constant annoyances that harass us every day. But there is one thing I absolutely hate. Do you know what that is?”)

Fianlly, it seems you missed saying what happened after the first sentance. I would also change "flashed" so "slashed." Or, if you want, you could say something like "his flashing sword sliced through there bodies that became lifeless as they fell to the ground."

(He met five more attackers on the road, all from the Order, and Tlig’fin flashed five times. Their bodies never moved again.

Like I said, given the situation, I will overlook the amount of grammar and sentance level errors. I picked out only a few. They are easy to spot with a slow, outloud re-read. Hence, I will give this early work a four star rating. How much do you think you have improved since then? And, happy WDC anniversary!


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Review of Myths and Legends  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved the narration of the different kinds of dragons and their history. I would suggest changing this record of sorts to a fan fiction subtype. It gives allusions to Harry Potter, Lord of The Rings and The Hobbit. There are two things I wanted to address. Bellow, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

With this last thing you say “whenever” when referring to this dragon that swallows the moon or the sun. How many times can a dragon eat the moon or the sun? That must have been one titanic dragon too!

(...Jawzahr, the comet dragon, caused eclipses whenever he swallowed the sun or the moon in ancient Persia. Krakow's dragon, immortalized in history, was slain by a peasant boy who won the King's daughter and the hoarded treasure.)

I don’t believe that children know that dragons are from myth and legend. In most cases children really believe in dragons. Is suppose it may depend on where they grow up and how specifically old they are. This is fiction though so I would begin by introducing the world that you’re talking about first.

(Any child knows that dragons come from both myths and legends.)

Anyway I thought this was cool how you give history to the dragons and what they looked and acted like. Great job with the names as well. I bid you a happy WDC anniversary! Write on!

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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Before I get on with the good stuff I’ll address what I thought could be revised. Below your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

With this one I thought it may flow better if you said “Likewise, young ink stained hands thrust through his thick brown hair as he tried to contain his irritation.” or something like that.

("Youthful hands, also ink stained, thrust through his thick brown hair as he tried to contain his irritation.)

Here there is a good amount of emotion. I think It would be better if you put into quotes or italics to indicate internal dialog. You do this throughout. Instead of saying a person is sad or angry, show us by thought, dialog or action. You did a little bit “showing” so you should have no problem applying it through ought.

(Why! Why couldn't he manage to finish one page, just one single page, without being dissatisfied and tearing it up? How could slum dwelling authors churn out book after book, whilst he couldn't even finish a prologue!)

Here it seems like he is angry at his desk. Maybe you could put-“He dumped the glass back on the tray next to the bottle and with a menacing demeanor, he squinted toward his desk.)

(He dumped the glass back on the tray next to the bottle and squinted menacingly toward his desk.)

The beginning of this does not make sense. You could say-“Such a hole would open through the dining room below, and the candles down there would still be lit. If it were a hole he'd see them. Just changing one word makes it right.

( Such a hole would open on the dining room below, and the candles down there would still be lit. If it were a hole he'd see them.)

Here I just want to stress on the “show don’t tell rule.” Express how he was on edge. Put some emotional suspense through the second sentence when he is struggling to reach what he is trying to get to.

(So pretty. Must touch it. Sej was on the edge. He reached out toward the middle, trying to get closer, ready for the next flash. Further and further he leaned, his arm stretching as much as he could, his knees as close to the edge as he could get them.)

I loved the visual portrayal of the room and the darkness. It was eerie and immersive. It was easy to follow as well. I do not like stories that are juxtaposed or overly obscure so good job with making it easy to follow. In conclusion, congrats with the delving into the dreary somber mood of the premise you so skillfully rendered. And have a happy week!
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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
With this one below I think you meant to put a period instead of a comma after “coffee.”

(As I sat in the patrol car at the corner of Maple and Third streets and sipped my coffee, I wondered if my daughter was nervous. Tonight was her piano recital, and here I was sitting in the rain. I know she was upset that I couldn’t be there, but I have a job to do, and people count on me to be out here. That, of course, is the same thing I told her.)

Here I think you should change “needed” to “need.” Also I think you could amplify the paragraph by simply stating "...the paramedic came to me." adn then say "We need the gurney and a backboard"

(As I arrived, I noticed the ambulance was already at the scene and a small crowd was gathering on the sidewalk outside the house. As I walked up to the front door one of the paramedic came out asking for my help. “We needed the gurney and a backboard.”

Here below, the last part is stilted. You could say “I helped him get it out of the ambulance. Then he said "this guy is in deep."...

(I helped him get it out of the ambulance. He said "this guy is in deep."...)

Here the first sentence does not make sense. You could say "I would not want you to,” she said with a grown up tone.” You need a comma after “to” as well to go along with the quotation mark.

("I would not want you to” she said, like a grown up.
I then said simply, "It does not look good.")

Finally I think saying “He was very concerned” is superfluous. He is most likely very concerned and I don’t think it fits.

(I got into my patrol car and began to drive. Dispatch gave me a call of a "gas theft" that had just occurred. I went to the gas station and got the information from the clerk. He was very concerned. I asked how much gas was stolen. It was a few bucks worth. I thought to myself a few lousy dollars, who cares about a few dollars? But I told him that I would work on it and see if I could find the person.)

This was very emotional and unique. Looking through the eyes of a policeman was very grim but sobering as well. The cop's sensitivity and grit made me think. It must be hard indeed. Thanks for this very provoking story. Great job and happy WDC anniversary!

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Review of Day By Day  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was very readable and easy to follow; one of the biggest thing I look for. The emotional struggle is well presented and I like how you had Marco and Amy show interest when they were finally apart. However I felt the exposition was a little misleading. Everything showed that they were really in love and committed at the beginning. As soon as Gavin said “Yeah, for now. She’s kind of iffy about me going away” I thought him a two timing jerk. Have them speak reluctantly. Perhaps you could say something like Anna giving him and ultimatum right then and there to stay with her leave without her and avoid the emotional texting in the plane. You could also make things more subtle. Other than that, you story was very good. There were no typos or grammar issues. Happy WDC anniversary and write on!

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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was excellent! Although I am not too familiar with “serial” works, I saw this fantasy world and the politics of the Realms. I will say one thing. Simply mentioning the facets of your plot once or twice in two lines may make reader get lost in the narration. In regular writing elaboration is needed to ground the premise and carry the reader through the story. You did a great job of coming up with the overall story. Just slow down a bit. Great job and happy WDC anniversary!

Oh, and with your statement below, an exclamation point is unneeded and does not amplify any emotion.

(The lowest representative in the least House of all the Realms
arrived at his current station as High King through death and deceit!)


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Review of Jayded: Chapter1  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
For this one below, smashed does not makes sense as you cannot smash things with an arrow. You might say smashed “into” or “through” the rooftops for instance.

(An arrow smashed the stony rooftop...")

As for this next one you, could chop down the paragraph. This is something that we writers could easily make use of. Try chopping and rewording things. Sometimes it could be word here and there, but it all adds up. Hence, you could change what you have below to- “She heard the metal clank of the arrow through the rain that passed her head then into the stone rooftop." You could probably make it even more concise and shorter if you tried playing with it.

(Over the sound of rain Jayde heard a clank of metal as another bolt whizzed past her head and collided into the stone rooftop. She had a small lead, but only three buildings were left till the end of the street.)

Since ground can’t “break” a fall, I would use another word. Maybe “would meet her fall” could be used.

(Only the hard-packed ground below would break her fall.)

Here you could combine the two sentences to make- "She thought of crying out, but only the vacant night filed the street of Hayness."

(She thought about crying out for help, but there was no one on the street. It was the middle of night in Hayness.)

Again you could turn this into- “Jayde expected the men to appear momentarily but saw nothing.”

(She looked, but saw nothing. Jayde expected the men to appear any minute.)

Finally with this last one, I think you meant “willing” to be “wishing.”

(Jayde looked down. Still nothing below but bone breaking ground. She tried again to pull herself up, but her arms were rubber. Jayde closed her eyes willing a ladder to simply appear.

Here I think you intended “resolved” to be “dissolved.”

(They sat in silence, the rain had resolved and lightning flickered on the horizon.)


The one thing I would stress on, it would be rephrasing things to say as much with the least amount of words. Like I, said condensing is something we could all put to use so I will not hold that against you. I loved the suspense which you did pretty well. It was a constant cliffhanger! (No pun intended. Lol.) Nice fluent descriptions too. A quick out loud reread would help to spot the little blips. Great work and happy WDC anniversary!


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Review of My Useless Muse  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a jewel and deserving of an awardicon. Personally, I would have liked to see you express how you feel by describing specific emotions as well as stating things and letting the reader interpret how you feel. When you said (My old dog Sheba, a mix Pit Bull and what I call "travelling salesman,") I thought you were saying your Pit-Bull was a mix of something else after the “and.” Maybe you could switch “and” and “what” to “which,” to make it (My old dog Sheba, a mix Pit Bull which I call "travelling salesman,") Thanks for divulging your past and your legendary muse to us all. I was enthralled!


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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Before I begin with the predominant good stuff, I will pick of out parts that I thought could be changed. Remember though that this is the opinion of one reviewer and you may dismiss what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis and mine are not.
With this one I am assuming the person is feeling the scorching afternoon, yet you say it struck only her hair. I would change it to “hair and scalp.” Also I think you could amplify the sentence by omitting some words. It could be (She remembered straining to watch him as he moved on, ignoring the scorching afternoon sun on her dark hair as dust floated up to her eyes.) It is only two words but if you can do this throughout, it makes the narration stronger plus it is easy to do pretty much only do not go nuts on it!

(She remembered straining to watch him as he moved on, ignoring the scorching afternoon sun on her dark hair and the dust that floated up to her eyes.)

As for the one below, it sounds more like a statement so I would have someone say it.
(The forest was dangerous enough as it was, nobody could possibly be stupid enough to venture into it after dark.)

With this, you are showing things through Len’s eyes and your sentence part should be specific and not so general.
(…and predators growled from the gathering shadows.)


This was very cryptic and mysterious with good nostalgia. However, it is sometimes too indirect where I have to read really slowly to get what you were saying. I find this to be very common though. I would have extended the last paragraph and elaborated just a little about the whole explanation of the premise. Also I would put smoother transitions when switching between characters POV.
This was very visual and you had lots of description. Good! You got my attention at the start and the feel of the forest is great. The flow is relatively decent and the scenes overall are well portrayed. Thanks for the read and write on!



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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Your historical background shows clear in the way you compose the situations. It had a genuine realistic flair. The biggest thing I think that needs to be addressed is the ancient “Show don’t tell” rule. For example; if you’re describing something that happened in the past, make it a flashback, a dialog or a thought. You did do this for a good portion of the story but try to do it throughout. Also try using less of the wine and the cup to describe King Maurice’s anger; perhaps a slamming fist, a stern glare or a raised voice might do. There are tons of ways to describe anger. Oh, and when someone is having a thought, it usually is italicized. One thing that I would like to suggest is have someone barge in with Tolus and the king talking with an imperative story turning message. Like there has been some kind of rebellion that just happened or somebody important has been killed. I just think that would spice things up. Anyway, you did a good job with this. Just remember show don’t tell. I know you will have no trouble changing this if you choose to do so. Write on!
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Review of Stolen Words  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
You did this so well that I thought the narrator was really making a confession on WDC! It was very believable. Then came the part with the ghost writing. The realism faded, not because of the paranormal occurrences, but the person’s weak reaction to the ghost writing. All you said is that he was mesmerized. Try putting yourself in his position. How would you react? All in all you did a good job! Write on!
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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for the encouraging story and the simplicity of your message. Now my dream is to write books that are fantasy and sci-fi which have Christian undertones and symbolisms. I want to write that which is fun for me and the reader. I have a far out mind and I want to tap into that creativity and make something exceptional. I have held onto this childlike mindset all the way to age thirty-two. You’re very wise in this area and I thank you again!
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Review of Noon's Cat  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This was a good poem. The meter was displaced a little bit but it still made me chuckle. Just one other thing is that I had to read it a few times to get the jest. It was a slightly juxtaposed. Try making things more cohesive if you get what I’m saying. Loved the ending. So no one else reviewed this? They usually do in the Cramp. Anyway write on keep being funny!
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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)




Anniversary Reviews email siggieA good narration. I think you oversimplified things a bit. First you might have said the origin of hate i.e. Kane and Able and also how hate and love evolve. For instance, as Yoda puts it, Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to maliciousness or suffering. You might have said how love grows through interactions and feelings that develop into love. Happy WDC anniversary!
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Review of To a Dreamer  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
What I like about your poem is that it is unconventional because the lines are long. My old writing professor kind of said to keep things short. He also told me to focus on rhythm more than rhyme scheme, but this was published, it proves he was not completely right. All the poetry I have is like yours. Anyway, this was fun to read and encouraging too. I can find nothing wrong. Congrats! And happy WDC anniversary!


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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I loved your narration. It put things in perspective on a very concise scale. Good job also on leaving the dilemma open-ended at the end, letting the reader to see for his or herself the true nature of things. Like you intended, this had no fanatical push at all. You made a very succinct, honest presentation. Maybe if you were really more invasive and used more powerful examples like war, crime and hate and contrast that to God’s love, peace and so on, it would evoke more reaction; just a thought. Happy WDC anniversary!


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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You’ve probably been told this, but the setting is relatable to Forest Gump except no story was told. I found this to be very vivid with your ample description of Farrah’s looks, actions and words. It was a shame Dustin was such a turkey; all bunched up inside and resentful. I contrived a very gaunt picture of Farrah that it revolted me. Anyway I thought you did a good job. Happy WDC anniversary!



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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Talk about bad run ins! That is a pretty long list. I grew up In the 90s so I am not familiar with the individuals. And to think that the list goes on is more shocking. Perhaps there is a conspiracy. LOL. Were there any connections with these deaths?



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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You really get into the mind of a child with the mental self-dialog. The fear comes to life and I am brought back to childhood. The ending tied everything together and left me worrying and feeling for the child. There is one thing that I thought of when I finished this; would a child really use words like “loathe” or “eerie silence” or “weep?” Your poem was wonderful, but maybe a little more child lingo would help amplify it even more. I do understand it may be a hard thing to do but that is just me. Happy WDC anniversary!



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Review of Hello Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
The rhythm and playful images are very in sync. I thought the length was perfect like the phase of the moon. You end it well with the last stanza. It is tantalizing and it wraps things up well. Nice allusions to childish lore too. Happy WDC birthday!


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Review of It Is What It Is  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This was short but wonderful! The thing that made it stand out for me was that it was true prose poetry. It was not just a running monologue divided up into lines and stanzas. I loved the message, which I understood it to be, was not to struggle against permanent scars and hurts but to let them exist. “It is what it is.” Simple but true. Happy WDC anniversary!


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Review of Dragon-male  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your use of first person narration develops the premise and unfolding events quite well. I was enthralled. I loved the elements of your story. They add intrigue, mystery and an emotional twist. For some reason I thought the narrating character was a girl. Great job and happy WDC anniversary! You totally deserved the ribbon!


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Review of It Had to Happen  Open in new Window.
Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Before I go any further I need to say something, slow down! Everything that happened was so juxtaposed. Through the middle segment it was “he did this, he did that” and so on. It seems there is no danger as he takes out all the guards one after another with a whim. Even in action stories there must be exposition to ground the situation and the plot. From the beginning and part of the middle you did a good job with Szaro and his accent that helped to characterize him as a villain. I suggest you go through the action and ad some thoughts that bond might be having or have some more setting description. Anyway, I thought this was very well imagined and that you deserved the honorable mention! Happy WDC anniversary!

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Review by brom21 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Man, you did a good job with this! It was easy to follow and you instantly drew me into the mind of the narrator. The emotion is strong and well versed. I like how you give the emphasis to the heart of the matter when you ended it with “this is me and this is my moment!” rather than saying who won. I have no suggestions. Happy WDC anniversary!


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