Jeff's (jeff) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

4,124 Public Reviews Given

4,253 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I believe in constructive criticism and honesty. I can adapt my review style to fit the kind of feedback an author is looking for (e.g., developmental suggestions, fine-tuning, proofreading, etc.), but will always try to be as encouraging and helpful as possible.

I'm good at...

Plotting, characterization, dialogue, structure/pacing, and professional considerations. I can also do serviceable technical editing/proofreading, but I'm much better with developmental/creative feedback.

Favorite Genres

I read almost everything. I particularly love genre fiction (mystery/thriller and science fiction/fantasy especially) and nonfiction of all kinds.

401

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3824748

Review of Just A Nightmare

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Dark Society

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Joe E.

-

Today, "The Dark Society"

is celebrating the most romantic day of the year by hosting a "Valentine's Day Review Massacre"

! I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You set a great tone for your story. It was creepy and mysterious and you did a wonderful job using the unknown to create a sense of foreboding and uncertainty with your audience. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would suggest writing with a more active voice. There was a tendency in this story to write very matter-of-fact, declarative, and in some cases even passive sentences. If you were to make the language a little more present and active, you would create an even greater sense of dread and better pacing in your story. For example, the paragraph that begins with, "I couldn’t go back to sleep that night. I was trembling out of pure fear, something I had not done since the days..." could be made more active by removing the "was" in the second sentence so it reads, "I couldn’t go back to sleep that night. I trembled out of pure fear, something I had not done since the days." Even tiny changes like that can make a big difference in how your reader perceives the words on the page.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall I think this was a good effort. Your atmosphere and tone were great and, with a bit of a more active and immediate writing style, I think you could truly terrify your audience.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

402

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14 days may be credited.

#3811931

Review of December 2012 "What A Character" entry

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Walkinbird 3 Jan 1892

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I really enjoyed the first half of your story, detailing the reasons your character ran away from home and embarked on a foreign adventure. I was a little confused about whether running into the grandmother was an intentional or coincidental occurrence and how the last line ties into the story, but I thought you had a great take on the prompt by making it a story about a runaway. Nicely done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

403

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14 days may be credited.

#3811924

Review of Thirteen

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Shannon

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

It's always a pleasure to read your work. As usual, your character work and description are excellent and the story was engaging from beginning to end. If I had one small quibble it would be that I would have liked to have seen the "visit to a foreign country" prompt used a little more centrally in the narrative, but the story itself is excellent and the characters were memorable. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

404

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3811923

Review of The Enigma

Review by Jeff

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Oldwarrior

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I really enjoyed the detail and description in this story. It was an excellent take on the prompt and you created a unique, engaging narrative that had me hooked from the beginning all the way through the end. I thought you were particularly adept at working in the historical details and information between bits of narrative and dialogue. It's not easy to weave those things together, and you did a great job.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

405

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3811920

Review of Elizabeth Dawson Life changing adventure

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi kat

-

I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"

Contest, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought you did a good job with this story. Your take on the prompt was compelling and I enjoyed the characters you created. If I could make one technical suggestion it would be to split up the paragraphs with a space between each one, just so the paragraph blocks on the screen have a bit white space between them and read a little easier. Other than that, I think your story was a solid effort. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

406

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3804462

Review of The Sphere

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Pop

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Great twist at the end. The story does a great job of setting up our human paranoia and feeling that we're always at risk of being attacked. Giddings is great in her role as the voice of reason and there is an excellent dynamic between her and the generals as they try to advise the President on a responsible course of action.

Good use of detail. From SETI to NORAD to the use of the DEFCON defense condition rating, you included enough relevant details so that the reader really feels like he or she is in the room with the President, going through their options and weighing their choices.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I think you could easily cut the first few paragraphs and come into the story a little later without any ill effects. For example, if you removed everything from, "Mr. President" to "On my way, sir," you could then start the story with the line, "'Mr. President.' The collective greeting reverberated around the White House briefing room as President Scott entered." Starting here not only begins the story on the same note, but it gets us right into the heart of the story right away. You could would a few of the necessarily details from the earlier paragraphs in at this point and the story would start right off the bat with a more engaging immediate situation of the President walking into a room to deal with a crisis, rather than having a lead-in to that scene.

TYPO: "Sir, I strongly urge you to consider destruction of this [device]."

TYPO: "It's made up of three different metal compounds, [none] of which are found anywhere on earth." ('Neither' would be appropriate if there were only two items, but since there are more than two, 'none' is the appropriate word here.)

TYPO: "How long before they reach Earth's orbit?" President Scott [inquired].

It felt like there were a few too many of the same arguments between Giddings and the generals. Obviously this is the central conflict of the story, but I would try to make this conflict and the back-and-forth escalate a little more. As is, they essentially just say the same thing over and over again, with the generals wanting an offensive military solution and Giddings wanting to wait to see what the alien contact will bring them. While this is a great throughline to have in the story, I would suggest finding different ways of presenting that information so the story remains fresh and engaging rather than depicting the same argument repeatedly.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I think you did a great job coming up with a compelling sci-fi story that teaches us (as all great science fiction does) a little bit about ourselves as we read it. This story is a great example of the kinds of panicked and paranoid thinking that so often causes us to jump to conclusions and get into trouble. You presented that theme in a coherent and engaging story that was a pleasure to read. Nicely done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

407

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3801964

Review of Why Writing.Com Isn't Helping Writers

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi onaya3

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought this was a really well-written, thoroughly researched article. I particularly liked all the links you provided to other resources that concerned readers and writers can use to conduct research of their own.

You did a great job of defining a vanity publisher and the differences between those publishers, traditional publishers, and independent authors publishing their own work. It's an important distinction to make and I think you did a good job of explaining it to your audience.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I felt that the title of the article was a little misleading in terms of the actual content. While the title is, "Why Writing.Com Isn't Helping Writers," I think the article would more appropriately be titled, "Why Vanity Publishers Aren't Helping Writers." There was only a brief reference to the fact that some vanity publishers advertise on Writing.Com (and that WdC should not be supporting these kinds of advertisements), and while that's a valid point to make, I felt that the majority of the article was about the dangers and pitfalls of vanity publishers and their practices and, thus, would be a more apt title for this very informative article.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this article. Personally, I'm torn in my opinion of Writing.Com's role in advertising these publishers. On the one hand, I dislike the idea that these organizations - many of which make their money by charging writers for dubious services - are prominently displayed on a website designed to promote and encourage writers. On the other hand, though, Writing.Com is also a business and I understand that an advertiser is an advertiser and business owners don't always have the luxury of turning down ad revenue from paying clients.

Regardless, I thought this was an excellent article that sheds light on the important issue of vanity publishers. Vanity publishing may be the right choice for some writers, but every writer should understand the difference between vanity publishing and true independent/self-publishing in order to make the decision that's right for them and their writing goals.

Great work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

A review signature for Talent Pond members.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

408

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14 days may be credited.

#3787124

Review of The Submerged Items of WdC

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Nixie

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

and "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I could really relate to this piece. I don't consider myself a poet by any stretch of the imagination either... I dabble in it when I'm faced with the challenge of a particular form (to me they're like word jigsaw puzzles), but most poetry, especially free form poetry, just doesn't make much sense to me.

I love the fact that you included one of your own poems after being honest about your feelings on this particular style of writing. That requires a lot of courage and you did a great job.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I'm a little confused about references to the poetically inclined on WdC as "the submerged half." It seems to me like every time I turn around someone's poetry is popping up... in random read, in a contest, etc. I wonder if prose fiction or nonfiction is actually the submerged half?

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, you did a wonderful job with this item. I really liked the thought you put into it and your words came across and honest and engaging. Very well written and great choice of topic! Well done.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

I'm participating in Halloween Review Stew! Click the image to make some too!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

409

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#3786466

Review of The Exchange

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 18+

| (2.5)

Official Judges' Review for the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold"

Hi Chairrider

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a great job of incorporating supernatural elements into your story. Your use of the prompt was applied consistently throughout the narrative, which is not easy to do.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

There were quite a few typos and grammatical errors in the story, including a noticeable shift between Third Person (Present) and Third Person (Past) tenses toward the end of the story.

The actual setting and the events of the story were a little confusing. Even after finishing the story, I wasn't quite sure (other than a sexual encounter) what had happened, why it had happened, etc. Your story was well short of the maximum word count limit for the story; I would recommend using some of those additional available words to develop the world of the characters a little more, to give the reader a better sense of what they're reading and why it's happening.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really like the fact that this story uses the supernatural romance/erotic elements throughout, but I felt that the execution was a bit lacking. With some proofreading and a little more detail about the world in which the characters find themselves, I think it could be a great story.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

410

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14 days may be credited.

#3786463

Review of Taylor's Promise

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Official Judges' Review for the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold"

Hi Purple is House Florent

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

Great detail and description. You created some wonderful imagery in this romantic story.

Lina's character was excellent. She was complex, interesting, and fascinated to follow along with as she experiences life without her husband (and then with him again

).

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The one issue I had with the story was Lina's role in the sexual encounter. The rest of this story is so much about Lina's experiences and thoughts and emotions, it felt a little off to have a large part of the sexual encounter (i.e. her performing oral sex on him) focused on her pleasing Taylor instead of the other way around. For me, a more compelling scenario would be to have Taylor take charge in the dream (since it's mentioned that she usually followed his lead) and give her another lasting memory of what was so good about their relationship, rather than trying to change things up and portray the encounter as her first opportunity to do something differently than she had done during her entire life with this man who's finally reappeared to her.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a very touching story that really captured a character's sense of loss and subsequent joy at being reunited... even if only in a supernatural dream. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

411

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3778880

Review of Freud's Playground

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Hyperiongate

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

and "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did an excellent job capturing the fantastic and mercurial elements of a dream, transitioning between unrelated things and suddenly finding yourself in a completely new and bizarre situation. This story reminded me of all the bizarre dreams I've had; the kind where you wake up the next morning (or in the middle of the night) and wonder, "Where the heck did that come from?"

As always, your flash fiction was entertaining and incredibly satisfying to read. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I don't have any suggestions for this piece; I really enjoyed it.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really like your take on the prompt for this DFFC entry. It was unique, interesting, and engaging. You did a really great job with this flash fiction.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

412

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3778877

Review of Vampiric Interdiction: Prologue

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hi Talicia Em

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

and "The Talent Pond"

for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a good job of setting up Villahr's character. Because we can follow both his internal thoughts and his interactions with the baby Reveal, we get a sense of who he is as a character.

I liked the level of detail in this story. It was detailed enough to create a clear image in the reader's mind, but not so descriptive that it was burdensome to read. You achieved a really nice balance in this piece.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

TYPO: "Sorrowful[,] he sat in silent self-deprecation..." Depreciation is a decrease in value; deprecation is an earnest disapproval of something.

As a general suggestion, I would encourage you to be more definitive in your writing. I noticed a few sentences where the writing was uncommitted and nonspecific with phrases like, "The room was more or less black," and "the creak of the chair's swing forward seemed to calm him." I would suggest making your writing more active and more definitive. "The room was black" and "the creak of the chair's swing forward calmed him" are more direct, impactful ways to write the same thing. They give the writer the appearance of being more in control for his or her work than if generalities are used.

TYPO: "His [fair], white skin shone even in the dimly lit hallway."

As you indicated in your email, this is your first chapter of a new novel you're planning on writing. My first thought is that it feels a little short and I'd like to see a little more going on. Although the description is good, IMO, a first chapter in a novel should really hook your audience and give them some sense of the character, the world, the conflict, etc. To that end, I would have liked to have seen a little more plot/story in this opening chapter, so we as audience members get a sense of where this story is going.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think this is a good start to a first chapter on your novel. Although I'd like to have seen a little more narrative content, I think what you have here is a good foundation and can be built upon. Keep an eye out for those pesky typos and grammatical errors, and I think you're off to a good start.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

413

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3734782

Review of American Civil War Contest

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi General PGT Beauregard

-

At your request, I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

The Premise. With a site full of so many different kinds of short story contests, this is a refreshing premise. Not only is it historical fiction (which is an underutilized genre, IMO), but it's also specific historical fiction, encouraging a focus on a particular and dramatic time in American history. It's clear what kind of a contest this is and what kind of entries you're looking for.

The Prompts. You offer a wide variety of prompts, sure to appeal to a number of writers. Sometimes writers will look at a prompt and be unable to find inspiration, but by including so many options, every writer is sure to find at least one prompt that speaks to him (or her).

The Rules. The basic rules are clear and concise. Writers can easily find all the guidelines they need to write their entries, see the prizes being offered, etc.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The Prompts. While a variety of prompts are great to give writers options, the prompts for the different rounds is a little confusing. You already have six images per round, but with three rounds of prompts posted, there are actually thirty-six different prompt images in the forum that potential entrants have to scroll through. Can entrants select any of the thirty-six images? It seems a bit overwhelming if there are that many prompts for a single round. If these are for multiple rounds of the contest, I would suggest maybe hiding the ones from past and/or future rounds so that only the six current prompts are visible, but the other ones are accessible to those who wish to find them. You can accomplish this by either linking to a static item where the others are posted, or even leaving them in the item itself by creating a dropnote that can be expanded if desired, but otherwise conceals the non-current round images behind a single-line text link.

Content. You mention in several places that anything is accepted other than stories in the erotica genre. I noticed, however, that there are no other requirements for the content. Are you open to extreme graphic violent content and swearing, offensive non-sexual situations, etc.? If you are opposed to any of that, you may also want to include a rating restriction, such as that items must be rated 18+ or below.

Detailed Rules. This is purely from my own experience running contests, but you may want to consider adding a specific deadline beyond "end of August" (e.g. "11:59pm WdC time on August 31st"); you may want to stipulate whether these must be newly written for the contest or if older entries that fit the prompt are allowed; and whether people can edit their entries after the deadline, as long as they submit them in the forum on time. It's totally up to you, but those are three sticking points that I've had issues with in my own contests, so I usually include something about each of them in my own contest rules, just to make sure everyone is clear.

Donations & Prizes. I feel like the prizes are just a little light in comparison to other contests for similar-length short story entries (i.e. <5,000 words). If you're interested in increasing the prizes and don't have the funds, one of the ways I've found to successfully raise some GPs is to award a MB or other prize for donations over a certain amount. Many WdC members look for ways to increase their Community Recognition or earn additional reviews, accolades for their own items, etc. By offering an incentive for them to donate a certain amount (e.g. a MB for anyone who donates 50,000+ GPs, or a mini port raid for anyone who donates 35,000 GPs), you may be able to incentivize generous donors to contribute to your contest and thus provide you with additional funds which you can use to increase the prize value, offer honorable mentions, etc.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you did a great job with this contest. It's a refreshing concept and much of it is laid out clearly and concisely. I think anyone visiting the page would be able to quickly look at the forum and decide whether your contest is something they're interested in entering. Very nicely done, and good luck with the contest!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

414

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14 days may be credited.

#3730965

Review of Finding Tinker Bell

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi tlsea

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really enjoyed this essay... you did a great job of capturing the joy and vibrancy of childhood in describing all the activities you experienced growing up. I also particularly liked the way you ended the essay, on a hopeful note that the essay full circle. Nicely done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Nothing comes to mind. I like it just the way it is.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a fantastic job with this piece. The essay was short, to the point, and entirely effective. Great work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

415

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14 days may be credited.

#3730964

Review of The Mother Who Never Was

Review by Jeff

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi WriteStuffMom

-

I had a chance to read your item today, and have enclosed the following Showering Acts of Joy review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought this was a very poignant, touching poem. Anyone who's experienced the absence of a parent can surely connect to the words in this piece and hopefully those that haven't can at least understand a little of the pain that parental neglect can cause. Very well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

The one suggestion I have is to apply the rhyme scheme a little more consistently throughout the poem. While all the words were elegant and graceful, the stanzas having a different structure and even a different number of lines made it difficult to find a rhythm when reading. Not a big deal, but I think this piece would be even stronger with a little more structure to it.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a great job on this poem. It was well written and engaging. Great work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

416

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696498

Review of Short story for contest

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi carlypop

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a really great job connecting us to interesting and complex characters experiencing a very powerful moment in their lives. The transitions between the characters were effective, and I definitely wanted to know more about everyone in the story.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

This entry felt a little more like a single moment in time, rather than a complete story. While well written and engaging, there wasn't much of a narrative to give context to the events in this story. With a little more development, I think this could be a really compelling short story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I enjoyed the read and thought the characters were great. I wished there would have been more narrative to really see them develop and grow! Good effort, though.

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

417

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696494

Review of Ronnie and Johnny

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Christian Powers

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I think you did a good job with this story. The characters were interesting and you created an engaging story around them. Nicely done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would have liked to have seen a little more detail in this story. I definitely got the broad strokes of what you were going for, but with some additional detail and description, I think this story would really stand out.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, it was an effective story that was enjoyable to read. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

418

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696493

Review of Hide and Seek

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Happy May 2024!

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really enjoyed the interaction between the three kids and the teacher. It was a fun, entertaining story that made really good use of the prompt. Nicely done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would have liked to have seen the tension between Dorie and Donnie play out a little more. You were more than 1,000 words under the word limit, and I think some of that space could have been used to play up the conflict between these two characters just a little bit more.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought this was a well-written story and a great take on the prompt. Good job!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

419

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696491

Review of Big Boys Don't Cry

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi ☮ The Grum Of Grums

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought you did a great job putting a unique spin on the prompt and really helping the reader connect with the emotional journey your protagonist Jerry is traveling along. You really did a good job establishing his love for Rumble before introducing the new puppy.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Formatting-wise, the first paragraph is a bit dense. I would suggest breaking it up just a little for easier readability.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a good job with this story. You really captured a great story inspired by the prompt. Nice work!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

420

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696490

Review of That Summer

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Edmund Gee

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

You did a really great job coming up with a compelling story and characters based on the picture prompt. I thought the story was well written and really communicated your protagonist's care for Judy, as well as the acute pain of his loss.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Nothing in particular comes to mind.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

You did a really great job with this story. Thanks for the compelling read!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

421

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696489

Review of Ted the carrot head

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Kentos Rocand

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I loved the moral of the story at the end... about turning a bad situation into a good one and learning what a little compassion for another person can do, even when it's someone who's wronged you.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would suggest staying away from words like "apparently." You wrote, "Apparently the rock that I had thrown had broken a window." Instead, I would recommend using a more active description of what happened, so there's no doubt in the reader's mind what happened. Saying, "I broke the window" is more active and more direct than "Apparently, I had broken the window."

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I thought you did a great job with this story. It has an excellent message and was a pleasure to read. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

422

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696488

Review of The Vampiress and the Boy

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I really liked the fact that you put a completely unique and original spin on the prompt. Where most people chose to write emotional dramas, you found a way to work in a fresh, exciting angle and it was much appreciated.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Nothing comes to mind.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed your entry. It was unique, original, and a fun read. Great job!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

423

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696486

Review of Jase and the Djinn

Review by Jeff

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi ridinghhood-p.boutilier

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

I thought the message in your story was great. You took the prompt and found an inspirational, motivating twist on it, which really made the story stand out. Well done!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

I would have liked a little more detail toward the end. It felt like Jase went to the game, played in the game, lost the game, and learned his lesson all within a relatively short span of time, especially in relation to the other parts of the story (like his visit with his grandmother earlier). Some more detail and description about the latter half of the story would, I think, make the narrative feel a little more balanced and focused on the lesson at the end.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was well-written, the characters were compelling, and the lesson learned at the end was a good one. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

424

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696481

Review of The Death of Tucker Ray

Review by Jeff

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Shannon

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

This was a fantastic story... like so many of yours, it has great, well-developed characters at the center, and a compelling narrative surrounding them. It was a pleasure to read this entry.

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

Absolutely nothing. I couldn't find a thing that needed improvement in this excellent story.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

Overall, I think you took the prompt and created a memorable, effective story with it. Outstanding job!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"

425

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3696480

Review of Love of the Game

Review by Jeff

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Mara ♣ McBain

-

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest"

, and have enclosed the following review for your consideration. Please keep in mind that the following is my opinion only, and you as the author have the right to use or disregard any of my comments as you see fit.

WHAT WORKED

What a great story, Mara! I thought you did an amazing job with this tale, particularly in your characterization and the pacing, both of which really stood out. Excellent work all around!

WHAT COULD BE IMPROVED

No suggestions for improvement.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought you had a wonderful take on the prompt and ended up with a truly special and engaging story. Well done!

I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work, and thank you for participating in March's official WdC contest.

Keep up the good work and keep writing!

Best regards,

SoCalScribe

Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"Blogocentric Formulations"