*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13
Review Requests: ON
3,152 Public Reviews Given
3,200 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 9 10 11 12 -13- 14 15 16 17 18 ... Next
301
301
Review of THE HOME  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Bill,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, I'm not sure what to say. This will be short, despite the story warranting a longer review. I just don't know what to say. You've voiced a lot of things I feel in this, brought to the front of my mind things I fear as I approach the age of 70. *Smile* I'm a few years away yet, but I feel, and know, my mortality. I think when we're in our 20's through our 40's, we feel invincible. Then as age sets in, we slowly begin to understand what being mortal really means.

         Well done here Bill, loved it! Thanks for bringing a spot of darkness to a bright day. But, the darkness is already receding, and all's well. *Smile*



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
302
302
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Carol,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         There no way September can go by without me stopping by to say hi, and review something of yours. *Smile*

         I was a little dense at times reading this, and finally figured that Tommy and Liam were gay. I know, you made it plain in your hints, but still. Took me a minute is all. I also assume Liam didn't really drown, since his body was never found.

         This sounds so much like real life, real life away from a big city, away from all the stress of today's world. Well written, but I did see a couple of minor things you may want to look at, should you choose to edit this. More on that later.

         I loved the 'lingo' you used in this, I'm not sure I could ever pull it off, so keep my dialog pretty bland. Ruby, Tommy, and Liam were very real, even though Liam was never 'seen' in the story. Their father was something else though. Hard nosed, hard core. Much like mine in his later days. On the other hand, their mother seemed like one of those 'long suffering' types, a woman who knew she was supposed to love her husband no matter what.

         Now, about those two minor, very minor things.

1. In the middle of the story, where you describe Liam's house, there are four or five paragraphs not indented like the rest.

2. “I plan to take a walk and leave them along the dear path, if that’s all right.” You can see this minor issue clearly I think....


         A very nice read. Troubling a little because of their father's attitude, but a nice read. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
303
303
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Marilyn,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         I really enjoyed reading your entries. They are thoughtful, fun to read, a bit comical at times, and informative. Informative on what's going on in your life, how you're doing, and how your health is. I read the whole first page, almost mesmerized by your entries. You've gone through a lot in your life, yet still have a great outlook. We are similar in age (I'm now 63); I can only thank God that my health is great compared to yours. We all have our issues, you have enough for 3-4 people!

         I think my favorite entry was the one from January, "We Used To Be A Melting Pot." Excellent entry, well written (all are well written by the way). But I agree 100% with your assessment of being a Melting Pot vs. a Quilt.

         I may have to come back and read more, see how you are doing. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and continue writing! Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
304
304
Review of Bad Knees  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Rachwrites
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty cute short story about you falling at work, though I'm not so sure it would be funny if I had been there. Falling is never fun is all. It was cute, but I think you might want to add the genre of flash fiction to this, to me it fits.

         Just a quick question. Did you ever consider surgery to have your knees fixed? Or was that not an option for one reason or another.

         I think we've all fallen at one time or another, but falling at the oddest moments (aren't they all odd?) has to top the list. I once fell (slipped) getting out of the shower. Six hours, two x-rays, and 33 stitches later, I was released from the hospital. It's always comical to us, once we sit back and think about it. Glad you have a sense of humor about this, and was able to laugh. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
305
305
Review of Grandma's House  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Winnie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, so I knew all along it's your Anniversary month, I try to stop by each featured Anniversary Reviews member and review them at least once during their month of celebration.

         This is something I feel all young people should experience. They should see where their grandparents lived, how they lived, so they can appreciate what they have in this world. Well written, nice flow, and short. Then again, it's flash fiction, it has to be.

         I didn't see any obvious errors in this, but with the ribbon that adorns this piece, I can see why. Excellent job, thank you for sharing!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
306
306
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hey DeNine,
         Thank you for asking me to review this. I would love to give it high marks and tell you what a great author you are. But I can't. There are numerous problems with the way this is written; it needs A LOT of help, a lot of TLC editing as I call it.

         Don't get me wrong, I like your story. It has a good plot, it flows well. But I'm a stickler on writing, and despite being a good story, the distractions caused by improper use of English made this a bit of a chore to read. Your overall plot is good as I said. I'm intrigued, and would love to read more. But I can tell you I won't, until this is vastly improved. Grammar in this is a big issue. Here's an example from later in this chapter. He materialized a clipboard out of thin are and tapped about half way down the page with his pen. Are should be air. I think most of my comments center around this, poor grammar. As a writer, you need to ensure you use the correct synonym and homonym in every sentence, every phrase.

         Why am I being so harsh? Better me, than an editor for a publishing company. I have to be truthful, or I'm not helping you one bit. I could tell this was going to be a bit of a 'chore' when I noticed a simple misuse of a word in the first paragraph. You know what they say about first impressions....

         I've noted 11 errors that need to be corrected below. This is not all I noticed, I just decided to stop at 11. Now for some good comments.

         Your plot is good, it left me intrigued. It has a nice flow to it. There's a lot I want to know, but I understand the whole story is just starting, so it's impossible to know more right now. Your descriptions of Kyle and his surroundings were very good. Your described him well, Jennifer too. The other characters could stand a little more, but they seem to be minor characters, and may not be a part of the overall story as it progresses. You had me in the first paragraph, I was with the story, I in it.



         General Comment: It seems your story text is all bold. The first thing you should do is 'unbold' it. If it's not in bold text, then consider changing your font.

1. I shuttered. Used in this context, this spelling, you just covered a window with shutters. Shuttered should be shuddered.

2. We drove in silence for a few minutes, me sinking out of view whenever they passed someone. They passed someone? We passed someone.

3. I wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather and the walk to school was reluctant to say the least. Reluctant? The phrasing is not correct. A small change would suffice. I wasn't dressed appropriately for the weather and walked to school reluctantly

4. "Quite! Obviously you guys are too immature to pick your own partners, so I'm going to choose for you." Quite should be quiet. Remove the space before the closing quotation marks.

5. finally realized who it was arguing, as josh and Jennifer came in view. Josh should be capitalized.

6. "Stay the freak away from her you greasy haired freak! She's my freaking girl and if I freaking see you with her I'm going to rip your freaking head off!" You used freak, or some form of it four times here. The dialog is not very realistic. I don't know of many high school boys who would say the word freak when this angry.

7. I hated walking it took forever. You need a comma after walking.

8. I kept walking tired with my head down; I didn't look up as I went by them not thinking much of it. You need a comma after walking, and after tired.

9. "I'll Kill You." He said in a cold voice. Kill should not be capitalized.

10. Josh let go of my neck and looked back at the tree to see who I was calling to, then looked back at me after reassuring himself that no ones around and came back with a hard right hook that threw me to the ground. Instead of saying 'no ones around', use no one's, or no one was. As written, ones is plural.

11. "Your right, we better get out of here before cops come. Your should be you're.





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
307
307
Review of WHO WE ARE  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Sarge,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Let me start by saying that I rarely give a 5.0 rating for a story. Does that make this perfect? No. It touched me; I just hope many, many others will read this, and learn what I learned so long ago. As you say throughout this essay, "We're just like you." Yes you are. You put your pants on one leg at a time most likely, eat the same foods, drink much the same drink, and do the most of the same things in your spare time that we do. Yet you're always willing to put your life on the line so we can live ours safely. My hat's off to you. You have my full gratitude.

         I'm proud to say that I train the technicians who keep your 2-way radio system going. The funny thing is, I never thought of it that way, until someone pointed that out to me. Fourteen years after I started that job! I hope yours never fails you. I mean that. Doesn't matter who made your radio, I hope it never fails you. I also hope that you remain safe in your every day job, as well as leisure activities. Take care of yourself sir, I salute you.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
308
308
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Winnie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I could see this unfolding, and knew from your description what was going to happen. Didn't stop me from enjoying the story though. Alice was very paranoid, and rightly so after being raped.

         The story jumped a but though at one point, and I have to say, from my memory of 20 years ago, a chat room chat does not remain on screen when you shut the computer down. Let me get to that later in this review though.

         The flow was good, short and sweet, or not so sweet if you were Mr. Anderson. It seemed pretty realistic, except for the chat room part. Here are my comments on this.

1. You have Alice starting up her PC, but never mention her signing in to the chat room. That part initially confused me, and made me think she was looking at things her and Larry had talked about the previous night. You might want to add that she logged into the chat room, and was pleased to find Larry was there once again.

2. If Mr. Anderson had been her rapist, he might have found her. Alisa is not that fr from Alice, and maybe in his warped mind, he could have put two and two together. Then again, would Alice have wanted a name that far from her real name? Hard to say. Hard to judge there, and I'm not. Just commenting on it.


         Overall, a pretty pleasant read. A little bizarre, but a good story. Thank you for sharing.





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
309
309
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Stefan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         You had me smiling the whole time I read this. I was not a saint growing up, that's obvious, but I never did something like this, and neither did my children. Maybe I've led a sheltered life....

         I really enjoyed the conversational tone this is written in. You describe yourself as a bit of a storyteller for your children, it shows here. I was a nerd growing up too, but of a different sort. Sciences didn't excite me at all, math did. But my passion was school band. So nerd, but different.

         I have seen children emulate their parents in many ways; Drew and Spencer making a rocket launcher without making homemade rockets was not really surprising. I loved your solution, but was a little surprised you didn't come up with something for the police to do. Their solution was excellent though, I know how I'd have felt in a situation like that.

         Well written with a nice flow to it. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
310
310
Review of I'm Sorry  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Ron,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, this is a pretty powerful poem you've written here. The rhyme scheme is excellent, but the flow a bit choppy at times. I am not one who believes that every line in a poem needs the same syllable count, but they should be close. Below is the syllable count, line by line for your poem. You can see that it has a range as low as eight, and as high as fourteen. The good news though, is that you can easily change some of these, and maybe get it more rhythmic.

13/13/13/11 12/12/12/12 9/8/11/11 11/10/12/9 12/13/11/8

10/11/11/10 12/9/12/14 14/13/12/12 13/14/12/12


         I love the message in this, I believe in telling someone I'm sorry when needed. Never been afraid to say those words. Some of your lines though, are a bit wordy, and if I may, I will show them below. Also, you start a line in the poem with the word 'and' eight times. I've learned to try and eliminate that from my poetry, though I've not edited much of my older poems to complete that. Another small thing is you start three of four lines in succession with the word 'so'. These little things detract from the read, from the flow of the poem. It distracts the reader....

         Here's my thoughts on the contents of your poem. I do hope they help you edit this, should you choose to do so.



Title:  Perfect for this poem, even though you never say I'm Sorry in the poem.




Description:  Very good, it lets the reader know what they should read about in the poem.




Grammar:  For me, it was the repeated use of And to start a line, and starting three out of four lines in a row with the word So.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  The rhyme scheme is consistent and excellent. The rhythm could be better.




General Comments:  

1. To me, this reads as if the syllable count should be between nine and eleven syllables. It would be hard to achieve that exactly, but you can get close. Here's an example of the first verse, the original, and minor changes afterwards.

If only you knew what I can't admit to myself
How much I think of you, my emotions on the shelf
And how much I care, while still denying you a place
As a fellow member of the human race.

If you knew what I can't admit to myself
How much you're thought of, my emotions on the shelf
How much I care, while denying you a place
As a fellow member of the human race.

2. Be careful using the same words frequently. By this, I mean words you use a lot are used often (such as the, we, you, a, I, etc), other should not. An example is the word denying, used in the third line of the first verse, first line of the second. It just stands out.

3. These four lines are a bit wordy, but I love them. For here, not only are you explaining your actions, but believe it or not, you're telling them, I Love You!

By turning in the power called by me to rule
So I could have the upper hand and not be thought a fool!

So I could be the one in charge and have the final say
And make you do as I wished and never get away.

4. In the previous comment, I said how much I love those lines, yet this line is redundant of what you just said.

So I could call the shots and tell you what to do This is redundant to the first line of the verse.



Overall impressions:  A poem of sorrow, of apology, and love. It's a good poem, but needs a little editing TLC. A little wordy in places, a little ambiguous, but a good read.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
311
311
Review by Sum1
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Dawn,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I've known of Nikola Tesla for many years; he is somewhat of a hero of mine now that I work in the field of two-way radios. *Smile*

         This is very informative for most, I was unaware of his childhood and such. I loved the flow, how you traced his life and experiments. The Tesla coil is still in use today, and yes, he was 're-granted' the patent for inventing the radio in 1943. His was a marvelous mind, and unlike Edison, he was a great inventor. (Edison had many people working for him, they usually did the inventing, but because Edison owned the company they worked for, he filed for the patents).

         You did not mention the fight between Edison and Tesla though, and this I think is pretty significant. Edison promoted Direct Current (DC), while Tesla of course invented Alternating Current (AC). Edison would stage shows around the country, showing the dangers of AC, electrocuting elephants on the stage to get his point across. Of course, Tesla won that 'war', and we use AC (for the most part) today.

         I did see a couple of things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. He was a genius that had a large affect on the world, as we know it today, but he was in many ways crazy. It seems to me that 'affect' should be 'effect'.

2. A friend suggested Colorado Springs and John Jacob Astor, as well as the dry goods firm of Simpson and Crawford, was willing to invest. As written, this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. What were Simpson and Crawford willing to invest in? This needs to be explained. Perhaps something like this would work for you. A friend suggested Colorado Springs and John Jacob Astor. He was a willing investor, as well as the dry goods firm of Simpson and Crawford. The way it is currently worded, I wondered who Crawford was....

3. Around the building of his new laboratory Tesla put up signs warning others to keep out which got the attention of the press but he had no patience for them. You need a couple of comma's here, and perhaps making this multiple sentences. Around the building of his new laboratory Tesla put up signs warning others to keep out. This got the attention of the press, but he had no patience for them.

4. He had been planning on using large concentrations of energy and was rightfully being cautious. It seems this needs two words swapped around. He had been planning on using large concentrations of energy and was being rightfully cautious.

5. “Fancy yourself seated in a large, well-lighted room, with mountains of curious-looking machinery on all sides. A tall, thin young man walks up to you, and by merely snapping his fingers creates instantaneously a ball of leaping red flame, and holds it calmly in his hands. As you gaze you are surprised to see it does not burn his fingers. He lets it fall upon his clothing, on his hair, into your lap, and, finally, puts the ball of flame into a wooden box. You are amazed to see that nowhere does the flame leave the slightest trace, and you rub your eyes to make sure you are not asleep,”

as remembered by Chauncey Mcgovern. This is the memory of Chauncey McGovern, as you've said. It seems that placing it in italics would be a good way to emphasize that. Also, Mcgovern should have the g capitalized.

6. While he was busy with the conserving of energy and steam power to do the work without the waste, the world was preparing for the greatest form of waste. Conserving should be conservation. I think you should also delete the word 'the' before waste.

7. Some of your sentences should be on the same line, but are not. My comment #5 above is an example of one. There are about 2-3 others in this story that are like that.


         I found this to be a pretty informative read. But only those interested in technical things might feel the same way. Nikola was a different sort of man, a special one, the kind the world could use right now.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
312
312
Review of The Box  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Blue JellyBaby,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         Really? SIXTEEN Years! Congratulations!

         This is an interesting story, but it's not fair! It's not fair to leave us hanging like this, waiting for the 'real end' to the story. That's what you did, and you know it. Well done there!

         I know your English is not exactly mine, so there are some differences to our speech/writing patterns. I will ignore those I know are different, and only comment on those that seem off.


1. At the end of proceedings I approached the man stood behind the stand. I think you're missing a word in this line. To me, it would be 'who', but not sure what the Queen's English would say be there.

2. “Hello Sir, and how would you like to make your purchase?” Would he say 'make your purchase?', or 'pay for your purchase?'


         I loved the twist when he opened the third box, and that's where you left me, hanging out to dry. I would love to know the end of this, what treasure he was off to find, and all about that dancing pony.

         Overall, a well written story that was fun to read. Thank you for sharing!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
313
313
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


My Dearest Katrina
         You know I can't let June pass without reviewing something you've written. Happy Anniversary My Love!

         I know I've written a Fibonacci poem, and they aren't easy. I pretty certain this was written for your grandchildren. But I have to confess you lost me in it. The last line especially, left me scratching my head.... *Smile*

          The other thing that I couldn't understand, is what exactly is this poem about? I hate to say it honey, but it makes little sense to me. It's about numbers, yes. But what's that got to do with odds, and their tails?

         Despite my gray haired moment here and not understanding, I still enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
314
314
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Dorianne,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a cute poem about a caterpillar's metamorphosis to a butterfly. The rhyming is good, but the rhythm really suffers a bit. Some lines are pretty long syllable wise, while others are short compared to those. It did take away from the read a little too, but it didn't stop me from enjoying it. There are a couple of minor things you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. And began his home of refuge, from birds who'd seek a pray. As written, it seems like the birds would seek to say a prayer. What you meant was prey, the caterpillar being their prey, or dinner.

2. To the music of the garden, that was the sweetest of lullabies. To me, this line should be lullaby's. Lullabies implies multiple lullaby's being heard, where lullaby's seems to be what you meant, the sweetest lullaby he could hear. Is that enough lullabies for you????


         As I said, a cute poem to enjoy, especially children. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
315
315
Review of The Mistress  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Angel Rose
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty cute story! I love the idea of two cats acting human-like. Of course, being a bit of a cat person helps. *Smile* The dialog was excellent, one could almost forget that the characters were two cats, and not humans. One could imagine Persephone stomping in to the room expecting to see another female cat there, only to find her husband eating Cherry Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. Your descriptions of Parker and Persephone actions/looks were excellent, which is what made them seem so human.

         I did see a couple of things you may want to consider, should you choose to edit this.


1. Opinion only here. Center the title using Writing.comML with the {Center} Command. This is located at the top of the item when you go to edit it, and looks just like the toolbar in Microsoft Word. Place your name at the bottom of the story, along with the date written. This is more for you than anyone else, but still, it lends a more professional look to the story.

2. Parker spurred while his tail darted back and forth in a playful manner. I think spurred should be purred.

3. "I don't know. I just heard you talking and got so angry because you have a hard time talking to me seductively at times in yet..." In yet at the end does not fit. It should be 'an yet'.

         A very cute story, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
316
316
Review of Weather Cat  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Typingrhyme,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         This is pretty cute and makes an excellent story if true. *Smile* (Not that I'm doubting your word).

         I think it would love much better centered on the page though. Also, it would be nice to see a little more contrast between the major storm, and Mariah being calm. What about a 'minor' storm? Does she not get upset at all? I think it would be the change in the air pressure that she'd detect, so a decent storm would set her off. My whole point in that comment, is that you devote three verses to her actions when a storm is coming, and only one to when she's calm. Does she do this only for major storms, or a storm of any kind? Maybe she's not so upset by smaller storms, but is still not quite herself. Know what I mean? A little more contrast would really help this stand out from others.

         A nice poem, good flow and rhyme. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
317
317
Review of Stake Deal  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Metu,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         A Haiku (or Robert Kelly Lune) is so difficult to write. Well, I should qualify that by saying, to write well. With only 13 syllables to work with here, it can be daunting to write something that makes sense. You've done well here overall, but I have to say, it doesn't fit the 5/3/5 format. The last line has six syllables. Foul play-ers will cast out. I think that being from Tarawa-Kiribati area of the world, maybe you pronounce players with one syllable. But it's really two. However, if you just drop the word 'will', it still makes sense, and meets the required format. Just a personal comment here too. I think the last line would be better worded as 'Good players cash out". The reason is that a good player would cash out once the game was finished, whereas a bad player would quit due to lack of funds....

         This is a cute poem, thank you for sharing!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
318
318
Review of Girl Watching  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Jace,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I see we have something in common. I feel the same about a girl's (I prefer woman's) walk, and the way their derriere moves. And yes, a bigger woman, a plus size one, is much more desirable than a thin one any day of the week!

         What I find the hardest to do, is concentrate at work when I see one. Teaching classes as I do, I sometimes get female students. Not many, since radio's don't interest a lot of women. Still, it's tough to deliver a class, or take a break and not look stupid when one walks away. Another thing though, is little quirks they may have. For some, it's a smile. Others, the way they twirl their hair. Not like a young girl, but a woman who absentmindedly does it while thinking. Yet the over-riding attraction is how their posterior looks, especially when walking. And if it's thin, no cheeks at all, forget about it....


         Interesting article, I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
319
319
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Giselle,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         There is no way the month of May can go by without me sending you a little bit of love, in the form of an Anniversary Review!Trinket addict, I appreciate anything to do with these little things, and I'm not sure why. Why I'm addicted to them, etc....

         I've collected all of yours, except for the ones I don't qualify for, like "I write in December-January-February" one. I love that you explain a little about them, much as I do with mine.

         Giselle, you are quite special to this wonderful site, I hope you know that. Continue spreading the love and the writing encouragement. Maybe one day I will qualify for that one Trinket too! (As soon as I get the writing bug back, right now it's on hiatus.) Thank you for sharing, and for all you do.




*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
320
320
Review of Fluffy  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Kittiara,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         I really enjoyed this small pure dialog story. The comedy genre fits it perfectly. Fluffy huh. Typical of parents not to believe a child about something like this.

         Not sure what all to say about this, it's good, well written, and very enjoyable. Really enjoyed the dialog only. It's so hard to tell a story in dialog alone, and you did well with this. Thank you for sharing!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
321
321
Review of "UNGH!"  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Angus,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         You and I have the same love of horror, except I don't (can't?) write it. I do love a good horror story, and this one is very good. I loved the twist involving the new drug Constrictorcin. Very Stephen King-esque shall we say. A little short but I'm not sure how you would make this much longer, and being written for a contest, I bet you were under a character limit.

         The only thing about this, is two brothers doing this to each other, holding a grudge. Then again, I've seen a lot worse in my time really. Sometimes, blood isn't thicker than water. But you left me wondering what Mike was going to do with Jill.... He's killed his wife and brother, Jill is a witness. Would he poison her too, or did the two of them have a liaison you didn't mention?

         Well done here, thank you for sharing!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
322
322
Review of The Walk  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Susan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story caught me in the first paragraph, and wouldn't let go. Karen's plight is like so many others in the world. Caught up in every day living, doing what needs to be done, with little to show for it. Her walk was stupendous, long, arduous, and necessary. It helped clear her mind and sort of bring her back to reality. Then Carl arrived, and the story skewed a little. Still excellent it still held me, but I wondered where it was going. And of course, I found out. *Smile* I wanted to read more, to learn that her husband and children appreciated her after realizing what they almost lost.

         This is well written, flows very well as you might tell from my comments. If I may make one small suggestion, and it's a suggestion only, I am not noting a deficiency here. Carl couldn't have been fired, or shall I say, he would have a prefect case for a lawsuit against them, and he would win. No question about it, and I'm not even a lawyer.... He would have been laid off, not fired. In order for the plant management to fire him, he would have to have done something illegal, or against their rules and regulations. But if the plant outgrew him, if they no longer needed his services because they were outdated or archaic, then they could lay him off, and be justified in doing so. Of course, they would have to pay his unemployment wages through the state, but it could be done. Long explanation, sorry I took so long to do that.

         Overall, this is an excellent story. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
323
323
Review of Deserted island  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Maryann,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         I bet this was an interesting one to write, and fun in a way. There were several things I found interesting too, as well as a few that made my jaw drop. The jaw dropping was due to my technical background though, not your writing.

         This is well written, flows well, and entertaining. I myself would love to find an island like this, but doubt I'd survive long, lol. I'm not an outdoors-man at all, but am a quick learner. Sadly, in a situation like this, on a deserted island, I'd probably learn the hard way.

         Here are my comments on things I read/saw in the story that you may want to look at.

1. Early on, you seem to change tenses in the story. An example would be the second paragraph. Lara, twenty four years old, still danced on her tip toes when she gets excited just as she did when she was a little girl. Danced is past tense of course, where gets is present tense. A simple changing of gets to got would correct this very minor comment.

2. Your deserted island sounds a bit like a Gilligan's Island. *Smile* Storms move across the oceans frequently, so it seems that the 'perfect setup' of the camp would not be perfect after a few months. Remember what I said about my technical background? *Frown* At times, it makes it hard to read something and just go with the story. Even harder watching movies.

3. A radio? In the middle of an ocean on a deserted island? Maybe if you specified it being a satellite radio that received XM or Sirius, I could believe it. But if this island is that deserted, that unknown, I doubt there would be a signal strong enough on any frequency for them to receive.

4. I liked the Nuclear War idea, I could see that happening. But the nuclear missiles you described being launched would (could) not intercept other ICBM (Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles). They are ICBM's themselves, and designed to deliver a payload to a target. I know, I know. Did I mention my technical background? *Smile* Sometimes it really pisses me off, my background that is....


         I liked the story, the flow, the idea of it all. Just this technical mentality gets in the way often.... Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
324
324
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey River,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         You know, you had me with this early on. The flow was good, I knew what was causing his cold, but that didn't matter. Old Aldo seemed to attract me, maybe I was associating some of my life with him. Then came the part about the tree, and the mist surrounding it. And I was lost, utterly, completely, lost.

         The problem with the tree and mist is that it didn't fit with everything else. When Aldo fell asleep, I thought maybe you were going Rip Van Winkle on me. Maybe you did. But him digging around the tree, with voices that he could hear, but nothing else, didn't make sense. Then, the story just ends. Or shall I say, you stopped writing, but there was no end to the story. Every story needs three elements to it. A beginning (Aldo in his house), a middle where the plot is built (Aldo walking up the hill and falling asleep, then digging around the tree), and an end. Hmmmm, I didn't notice one here, or at least it wasn't obvious to me.

         It seems this was written for a contest with certain words or phrases required to be used. I'm betting the contest is long over (this was written 3 years ago), so you could edit as you wished. Also, you were pretty obvious about the mold issue when you wrote, "As he ate, he noticed, there was something black stuck to the walls in places." You might try to edit this so it's not so obvious.

         I'm sorry though, I just don't understand the end here. Save a forest, eat a beaver?

         Nice story that could use a little editing for consistency and plot. Thank you for sharing.





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
325
325
Review of Ellipses Eclipsed  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Ben,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Very short, very cute, and very original. Did I use too many very's there? *Smile* I started using ellipses in chat a long while ago, and am slowing breaking the habit. I think ellipses get a bad rap, for no reason at all. Oh well, I don't make the rules.

         Nice work here, thank you for sharing.





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


Review Sig for use
1,260 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 51 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13