Hey
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!
You know? This story has a bit of potential. The title fits well if you ask me. Definitely need to change the description. Perhaps something like, "Mindy meets the man of her dreams at a club, and they almost...." (Not so sure about that, it's just an example, lol)
This moves very fast at times, and in some places, too fast. I like the overall plot and flow, it just moves too fast in some places. You also drop a couple of hints about Mindy, but leave it at that, a dropped hint. If I may, here's a few suggestions. These are all suggestions about changes. I saw no grammatical errors or things like that, just thoughts on the flow, and additions.
1. When Mindy is approached by that first (unnamed) man, she really seems to light into him the second time he spoke to her. He didn't seem to be too forward, didn't seem to be hitting on her, yet she goes off as if he was the rudest man she'd ever met. This seemed out of place to me. If you added in something like this....
One by one, Mindy watched her friends hit the dance floor. She felt a tap on her shoulder and thought she was being invited to the dance floor.
“Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” It was the man from the upper level again. (Notice that I changed jerk to man here. This guy hasn't said or done anything to be labeled like this, so build it some, then she can refer to him as a jerk all she wants. A suggestion is below).
"Well, I'm Mindy."
"Hi, I'm Jake, I thought you were Helen. I met her here a few weeks ago, and we really had a good time. From the side while ago, you looked just like her, and I thought we'd relight that flame and have another night of passion."
"I don't know you Jake, sorry."
"I don't know you either, but we could get better acquainted, if you know what I mean." After saying that, Jake raised his eyebrows and let his tongue slowly move across his upper lip in his best 'come on' look he could muster.
Mindy no longer cared what she looked like or how she sounded. “Listen, Pipsqueak, I have had enough of you! I’d sooner kick your ass than look at you!” Mindy advanced on him, backing him off with each punctuated word she spit out.
2. Her enemy shrugged and rose to his full 5’10 height and walked in a somewhat straight line out of the club. As written, they've said very little to each other, so how could he be her enemy? If nothing else, change this slightly. The man shrugged and rose to his full 5’10 height and walked in a somewhat straight line out of the club.
3. The band had stopped while Mindy was backing off the fool, but was starting to get loud again. Does Mindy have a problem with men? In the previous paragraph, she was almost salivating over this man who had just asked her to dance, but now she's thinking of him as a fool?
4. You describe their first dance a little, how they talked (yelled) into each others ear. From what I read, it seemed she got there fairly early, yet you segue quickly to the end of the night. Did they dance all night with the band taking no breaks? When the band took a break, did Tony join her at the table, or did he saunter off to get a drink, only to come back and ask her to dance again. Maybe after that set of songs the band takes a break, and Tony leads her to the table. She thinks that's it, he's gone off, and watches his ass encased in those tight jeans as he saunters off. As the band starts the next set, she's surprised when he reappears at her table and asks her to dance again. Once this is done, you could easily mention that this went on all night, with the two of them dancing practically every dance together.
5. He saw her in the harsh light and he did not leave or ditch her at the earliest opportunity. This is the hint I mentioned earlier. It seems that there's something wrong with Mindy's looks. Does she have a facial scar? Is she cross-eyed? Does she not consider herself pretty? You have the chance here to explain more (show more  ). Tell us why he might ditch her after seeing her in the harsh light. Imagine it's a birthmark that looks a little like a sexual object or something, and that was why the first man hit on her like he did.....
6. A man who frequents a club like this would not ask to kiss her, he'd just go ahead and try to kiss her, and if rebuffed, then he'd leave and never look back. They have chemistry, so work it. I will show you this with your text in blue, Then below that, the same section entirely in green to show suggestions.
Mindy sauntered to her vehicle. “I drove here by myself. This is my car. I guess this is good night.”
“May I kiss you good night?”
“I don’t know. Maybe next time …”
“I live four hours away. I don’t get down this way very often. Please?”
Mindy was filled with nervousness as she stepped forward and tentatively reached out to embrace him. Mindy inhaled the co-mingled scent of smoke, alcohol and Hummer cologne. “You smell delicious.”
Tony chuckled and lifted her chin, then to the back of her neck and wrapped his other arm around her waist. Mindy’s hands fluttered against his chest as she allowed her head to fall back against the hand Tony was using to massage her neck. She felt the heat rise in her cheeks when he slipped his tongue into her mouth and then trail his lips to her ear and nuzzle against her neck.
As they walked to their cars, Mindy said, "I come here most every week, but I don't recall seeing you before tonight. Are you new around these parts?"
"I live about four hours away in San Angelo, and get here infrequently. Being a rancher, I stay pretty busy, and seem to forget that there's a real world out there. I may have to come here more often now." He smiled that magical smile she'd seen in the club as he said this.
Arriving at her car, Mindy said, “I guess this is good night.”
She realized the street lights were shining on her face, and moved to get out of the light. She wasn't sure if he had seen her birthmark clearly yet, and didn't want him to react like the other man had earlier. Tony grabbed her chin, gently moving her back to face him, the light once again shining in her eyes.
"You have the most beautiful birthmark..." He began.
Mindy stammered and tried to move away. "I know what you're thinking, every man seems to see that in it."
"Every man sees a flower petal on your chin you mean?"
"What? I mean.. Uhh, Oh never mind!" Mindy relaxed against him as they held each other close. Mindy inhaled the co-mingled scent of smoke, alcohol and Hummer cologne. “You smell delicious.”
Tony chuckled and lifted her chin, then to the back of her neck and wrapped his other arm around her waist. Mindy’s hands fluttered against his chest as she allowed her head to fall back against the hand Tony was using to massage her neck. Once again Tony lifted her chin, but this time his lips brushed lightly over hers. Each of them felt their breath catch in their throat and for a moment, time stood still. Suddenly Mindy felt his lips crush against hers, his tongue gently probing her mouth open as they kissed.
This is when Mindy realized that no other man would make her feel the way this one did.
“Good night, Mindy.”
“Good night Tony.”
7. I don't see what the following day's dialog with her grandfather has to do with the story. As written, it's almost a second story on its own. Now, if you somehow tie the previous night in to the meeting.... Perhaps something like...
“Mind your manners, girlie. Just remember, men will be chasing you because they see this and think you are rich. But it won’t have value unless you work for it. Men will come and go but family is forever. Don’t ever forget that. Your family will always love you no matter what. You understand?”
“Yes, Pops.”
I've arranged a meeting this morning for us with a new client. Anthony's Double Petal Ranch in San Angelo needs some help with financial guidance; you will be their analyst. See to it that we get this account, it will be a big one."
Just then his phone beeped and the receptionist said, "Mr. Spencer, you 9am appointment is here, Anthony's Double Petal Ranch."
"Show him in please, Mindy and I are waiting for him."
Now of course, Tony walks in at this point. So, somehow you can describe their meeting, or maybe not. Just mention he enters the room, and Mindy can still (or imagines it) smell his cologne, alcohol, and smoke from last night....
This is a good story, it has a nice flow. But as you said in your bio, you tell too much, and don't show. I've tried to show you how to you can do more of that here.
Sum1
 WDC POWER RAIDER
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