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3,155 Public Reviews Given
3,203 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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376
376
Review of Illicit  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey Adriana,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Nice poem here, though I'd call it more prose than poem. Love it actually. Been there, done that too, though not in public like that. You have this labeled as a "Work In Progress", but I don't think it is. It reads nicely, seems complete to me. I really liked the three 'stanzas' of this, the three separate times during the game that the two of them met, or spoke with each other. I could see it as you described it. Meet at the snack bar. Somehow arranging to meet later during the game. And a second go-round later on too. *Smile* And yes, the heat is endless.



Sum1

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377
377
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey there,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Kidnapped by Michael Jackson huh! I can think of worse people to be kidnapped by, like anyone from the Kardashian family. *Smile*

         I found this to be pretty humorous, but you bounced around a lot with it. Then again, it's meant to be comedic, so that's not too surprising. Funny how you never mentioned your career in the Law profession. But, unless you are doing extremely well in that, do you want to talk about it? *Smile*

         I loved the various careers you chose, particularly the Sumo Wrestler one. It made the story very light, and easy to read. I did see a couple of things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.




1. They immediately asked me for my reason as to why I was there. This is quite wordy. Why not just come out and say it straight up? They immediately asked me why I was there.

2. Four years later, here I am, finally done with the therapy. I think I’m scared for life, though. Did you mean scared (afraid), or scarred?


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378
378
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey Kare,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, this is one of the most original, and unusual poem I've read. And I love it....

         I don't normally go for poems that have lines that overflow to the next, but this is different. I don't know if you intended it to be like this, but look at it carefully. It looks like a wave, two waves, coming in to the shore. Awesome job!

         It's almost impossible to find a rhythm here, but I don't think it needs one. I would love to hear this read aloud by you. I have a close friend who believes only the author of a poem can read it in the fashion it's intended to be heard. And for this one, I heartily agree.




Sum1

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379
379
Review of Charley's Story  
Review by Sum1
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Boilerman,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Before I say anything about this, I want to say "Congratulations on planting your church! I hope all is going well, keeping you plenty busy."

         I've never been homeless, and hope I never am. But I found myself relating to Charley as I read this. Well written with a few, very few, minor errors. I have no desire to pick this apart, I loved the story too much. What I did notice, was a couple of missing comma's, a couple of paragraphs not indented like the rest. I think the story could be a little 'tighter', but without any experience of this type, I'm at a loss for suggestions. My favorite part? The reference to the Angel that Emma saw off and on. I'm convinced they are all around us, we just can't see them in our daily lives. Emma was special, and lucky she could.




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380
380
Review of Rage  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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Hey
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is very profound in my opinion. Well written, I love what you say here. But the flow is a bit choppy and uneven. This is because the line length syllable-wise is inconsistent. I'm not one who believes the syllable count has to be the same in every line. Except when required by the form, like a Kyrielle poem. In a short poem like this, syllable count/flow can be important. Here's the syllable count line by line.

         7/8/7/10/12/10/8/12/10/11/11

         It seems to me that it would flow best at about 7-9 syllables per line. If I may show you your poem here with a few minor edits in blue.

Rage

Rage is such a greedy beast

The more you have, the more it feasts

Chasing away friend or foe

With it's all consuming need to grow

It's tentacles wrapped around me tight

Loving conflict, prepared to fight

Then one day I chose to forgive

Something new was born, needed to live

Peace was its name, it had a new game

Comfort and love it would give

This new found feeling had to live.



         Beautiful poem, I loved it.



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381
381
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Mrs. Whatsit,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Well, I read two other items of yours, only to realize I'd already reviewed them! So here I am for a third time. *Smile*

         We all need to thank our muse's as you do here. I like that one of your first thanks, is for a teacher you had in High School. I'm the same way, Mr. Collier who taught Creative Writing. I never gave it a second thought initially. But 25 years later, I started writing. I still remember a story I wrote for his class, and have tried to write it again here, but I can't get it going. *Smile*

         Yes, I agree that finding Writing.com has great for me, and kick started an otherwise 'random' hobby. I had never heard of a muse (as a writing guide) until I was here; now I don't know what I'd do without mine.

         This is well done, I liked the brevity of it, and who you thanked. Nice reflections here, I enjoyed it!



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382
382
Review by Sum1
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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
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Hey Faithvire,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, I hate giving low ratings when sending an Anniversary Review, but I have to be honest. Don't get me wrong, the idea behind this is good, but it needs a lot of work. You have me intrigued, wanting to know more, but if I were to do that, I'd want it better written.

         Here's my opinion and suggestions on what you might want to do should you continue to write about your life and upbringing.

1. First, there's a lot of telling in this, and little to no showing. I know you've probably heard this before, but it's so true. You want to captivate your readers? Show them what you're talking about in this story, don't just tell them. Example? Here you go. This is written more like you are talking to a friend, telling a story at a campfire. As such, you tell us a lot, but show nothing. You mention scrubbing floors in a tavern. Yes, I know it's a prologue, but even here you can show us something. You did a nice job describing your hands, the blisters from work. But how did you get here? I know, after the prologue. But, give us a hint now, to entice us to read more. MAKE us want to know more. Where are you working? You allude to being in a foreign land you hadn't heard of six months ago. Okay, where is it? Tell us about where the tavern is, who frequents it (not just drunks, bandits, and soldiers). Are there an regulars you care to tell us about? How about ol' one eyed Jack? *Smile* Do you have any friends here? This is a prologue, so build this up. Set the scene for the whole story, don't just lament about your current existence.

2. Add dialog. Yes, it's an intro to a longer work, but dialog can go a long ways to showing, vice telling.

3. Check your wording carefully. In my humble opinion, there's nothing worse than reading a story or book, and finding spelling errors, or improper use of English. Lord know I'm no English major (it's my worst subject to be honest), but even I can identify errors in grammar. Example from your story. Of coarse, I did not want to do either. I really had no idea what I was going to do with my life and I figured that I would decide that portion of my life after I graduated. As written, coarse means rough, abrasive. Substituting a synonym of coarse, Of rough, I did not want to do either. See what I mean? Many people make minor errors like this, myself included. But you have to re-read what you've written to catch things like this. If you can't, then you need to have someone do it for you.

4. Be careful in rambling. You go on and on in places, using the same word several times in a shot span of writing. A simple example here is the following. I would have never in a million years have dreamed of living my days as a slave/waitress in a tavern full of drunks, bandits, and soldiers in a country or place I never even heard of, never even dreamed of by the sanest person. This sentence rambles a lot, called a run on sentence. You reuse the word have when it's not needed, and again tell us about being in a country you had never heard of six months ago. If you can't read a sentence without taking a breath, it's probably too long. This means it's a run on sentence.

5. Double space your paragraphs. It just makes it easier to read in an on line format.

         Again, I like the idea of this, what you're telling us. But show us too. Make it into a coherent story. Even as a prologue, make it coherent. Remember, this is what most readers will read first; so this is your only real chance to entrance them, making them want to read more.


Sum1

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383
383
Review by Sum1
Rated: E | (4.0)
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My Love,
         There is absolutely no way June can come or go without me sending you an Anniversary Review. Happy 6th Anniversary!

         You know, I've never gone to a single high school reunion of mine either, but have been thinking about it. Not sure I want to meet some of those people though, lol.

         You know I love everything you write, everything about you. This is well done, it flows well, and is sweet and short. To the point. Very nice. We didn't get a chance to really know Eddie or Alice, but that wasn't the point of this story. It was about meeting old friends, renewing friendships, and more. The end left us hanging, but it was good. We can decide if Eddie and Alice get together later, or during the reunion. There was one sentence you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. She smile, “How’s Sue?” Smiled. *Smile*

         Happy Anniversary honey!





Sum1

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384
384
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Apondia,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         You make several good points here about learning proper grammar. Too many times I see people misuse words in their writing, or misspell words they shouldn't. I'm constantly amazed at grownups who do not use proper grammar when writing something. Not everyone can spell well, I understand that. But if you aren't sure, there's always Google standing by to help. Mistakes like these are human though, easily forgiven. I do have a couple of minor suggestions for you regarding this.

1. Take the first step to become a philogist. A philogist is a teacher of grammar. Philogist should be Philologist. This is written as two sentences, but worded as it is, the second sentence is a bit redundant. If I may make a suggestion. Take the first step to become a philologist, a teacher of grammar.

2. In our daily lives, all ages of people are being encouraged into social activity on computers, phones, I pads and electronic readers. I pad should be one word, Ipad. While it is true that the majority of the world is now in the electronic age, verbal communication in our daily lives is still vital. It is there that proper grammar usage comes in to play. That should be mentioned, perhaps even stressed, in the article.

3. You may be startled by the many free offers encouraging teachers. One is called www.gamezone.com, which is offering free grammar games. As written, this is worded improperly. www.gamezone.com is not a free offer, it is a website that offers grammar games for free. I know what you meant in typing this, but to some people, this might not be clear.

         This article is a nice article, but some sentences are a bit long or wordy, and could lead to confusion.




Sum1

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385
385
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Slinks,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         Now this hits almost everyone of us in the gut! Well done! I think this is fascinating, and very strong. Who among us does not have someone in their past they still long for. Me? It's my high school sweetheart, the one I wanted to marry more than anyone else. Now 44 years later, she's been married 6 years, and quite happy. And like you in this essay, I still have thoughts like this. Yes, we all have our ghosts. Thank you for sharing this.




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386
386
Review of What I deserve  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hey Slinks,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         I really like this, but I think it could be a lot better. While I like the end words of "I guess this is what I deserve", for each line, I don't like them. Contradictory I know, but it's true. I think you could make this so much stronger with a few more words added to each line, and using that phrase at the very end. Here's an example.

         There are many examples in everyone's life of how they 'get what they deserve'. There are numerous in my own of course; I'd like to give you examples, except they all revolve around one person in my life.

1. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, only to have him treat me badly. No one else believed in him, almost everyone said he was 'no good' and couldn't be trusted. I thought otherwise, only to have him treat me badly after I supported him.

NOTE: If you can provide an example of how he treated you badly, it would really help.

         Do this for all your examples, just a few more words. Then end it with something like, "No matter what I've done, it hasn't worked for me. I guess it's just what I deserve."


         Secondly, you might want to place the title in the body of the story, make it bold, and center it. It looks very powerful that way, and with a story like this, carrying this message, it would be doubly so.

         I would gladly provide you other examples for each line if you like.




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387
387
Review of House Cleaning  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey Mari,
         You practically had me rolling on the floor with this story! I think you are I think alike regarding house cleaning. It is an evil that must be done, but not enjoyed. I would be terribly uncomfortable in a house like your friend's (ex-friend?), same as I'm uncomfortable in a 5 star restaurant with napkins and tablecloths every where.

         The flow here was excellent, and while you forsake dialog, the story flows well without it. But to be a fly-on-the-wall when your friend's husband came in the room. A fly with a camera of course. *Smile* I did see one thing you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. I once had a friend who was the epitome of COD regarding house cleaning. I'm pretty sure you mean OCD, not COD here.




Sum1

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388
388
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Hey Purple,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I know you had a word limit for the weekly quickie contest, but dang I'd love to see more to this! Nicely done here, get the heat going strong and fast, it is a quickie after all.

         I found this to be decently exciting, but I think with a little different wording in some places, it would be more so. I know you couldn't do it for the contest, but since it's most likely over now, look into editing this! When writing something this short, remember your prime objective. Excite quickly. You can do that by describing scenes in various ways. The more descriptive you are in few words, the higher the excitement. I give you an example in comment #3.



1. You have a tendency to use run-on sentences. That's easy to do when writing erotica. You write, find yourself turned on as your imagination gets going, and end up with sentences that just run-on. After you write something erotic, go back and read it as a reader. Be critical. Look for things like that. I know when you're under a word count limit that's easier said than done. After all, any editing might lengthen it. However, you want to win the contest, right? So editing is a must. Now I'll be honest here. I'd hate to go back and re-read some of my early erotica, the stuff I wrote before joining WDC. I am sure it's full of things like this, so I hesitate. *Smile*

2. That once over triggered her arousal sending her heartbeat back to that rapid pace as she moved within a few feet of him, just out of his reach and slowly turned in a full circle, making sure he caught sight of her bare behind. This is a bit of a run-on sentence. However, to be honest, you need a comma after reach. But, I would break it up, maybe like this. That once over triggered her arousal sending her heartbeat back to that rapid pace. She moved within a few feet of him, just out of his reach, and slowly turned in a full circle. She made sure to flash him her bare behind as she did. The problem with my suggestion is that it lengthens the word count. But the contest is most likely over, so it can't hurt, right?

3. Lina grinded her behind against him, needing his entire length deep inside her, but he held her hips in place making that impossible. Another wordy passage here, but the first thing is, grinded needs to be ground. And 'behind', again? Using the same 'simple' word multiple times to describe the same thing in a story this short detracts from the read, and does nothing to raise the readers excitement. Surely you can think of a better synonym to use here, (and not ass, that's too much of an obvious choice). Perhaps derriere, fanny, or posterior. However, my personal favorite would be bottom.

         Overall, a nice read. It could be a little more exciting, but I did enjoy it. Raised my blood pressure and heartbeat a bit as I read it. *Smile*


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389
389
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Hey Jace,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         First, I have to say, this is an impressive list! Wow! If I were to contemplate such a thing, it would be about 1/10th this long.

         I love some of these ideas. The idea of a writing bucket list is an excellent one. Right now, about the only thing on my list, is to compile a group of about 60 poems, 10 short stories, and submit them to the Library Of Congress for copyright. Then print them in a book; the company who prints our manuals for classes would be happy to do that for me. At a cost of course. But, I'd have a book I wrote, huh.

         I can't believe the challenge you put forth to yourself. This is extensive and well thought out. While it seems you missed a lot of your goals, I'm betting you just didn't update this regularly. Things got a little hectic, you were involved in other projects, and updating this fell by the wayside most likely.

         I especially liked your idea of maintaining a weekly presence in Noticing Newbies and other WDC forums. Great idea! I'd have to place a reminder for me so I could be sure and visit the forum; I know I'd forget otherwise.

         Loved this list, thanks for sharing!



Sum1

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390
390
Review of Double Wide  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Ken,
         Just a couple of words about this. Oh My! I love it. A year without writing is too long. While I've not written a lot recently, I do have things more recent than a year ago. But this is great, capped off by the photo. Where did you find that? I would love to get a copy of it, more from a friend who saw it than anything else. Great job, love the poem!




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391
391
Review of Home  
Review by Sum1
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hey Mikey,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         You gave away the main point! But I think even without you telling the reader that his father lived there, most would have figured it out in advance.

         This is well done, flows nicely, good dialog. I think the idea of a middle aged man living in a retirement center, where his father was an Alzheimer's patient is excellent.

         If I were to make any suggestions on this at all, I would add a couple more paragraphs where Carl and Samuel meet. Sometimes they meet and have lunch, maybe they just walk somewhere together. who knows? But remove the line about his father living there, and add something like that. Then at the end, show us that his father is Samuel. It still won't be a big surprise, but it will show more of the two men to us.



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392
392
Review of Summer, 1970  
Review by Sum1
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hey Rebecca
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Pardon me while I dab my eyes. It always amazes me that something small in a story can do this to me.

         Actually, I saw a review of this in my Anniversary Reviews forum, and knew I had to read it. I'm a 20 year Veteran, but never served against an enemy. My time was spent on Submarines, but I know it wasn't wasted.

         This is beautiful. We learn so much from children, they are wise beyond their years. Probably from their innocence. Thank you for writing and sharing this. It was a treat to read.



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393
393
Review of The Navy Corpsman  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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Hey Kyle,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         First and foremost, I salute you for your service. As a 20 year veteran of the Submarine Service, I know the value of a good corpsman. Don't let the idea of being 'just an E-3 (HN)' make you think you are less than you are. Your training, your desire to care of others is what will set you apart, and you will advance.

         I like the flow of your story, I like the flashback to your first duty station. It sounds like your story's battlefield is fictional, but having never seen action like that, I could be wrong. Your wording of your actions is spot on, it sounds like you've been trained well in your craft. But the story does need a little amplification, and a little editing. Here's my specific comments.

1. Even if somewhat fictional (you allude to it being fiction in your description, and your personal bio), I would love to see this lengthened some. Personal experiences are always good to read about, especially when well written. This story is nicely written, with just a couple of very minor things you'll want to correct, should you lengthen it, or edit it.

1. Bullets are whizzing pass, I can hear them making contact with metal, the ground and worse of all, people. Pass should be past, and worse should be worst. Bullets are whizzing past, I can hear them making contact with metal, the ground and worst of all, people.

2. I look up at the battlefield then back down at the man I just tied a tourniquet around to stop the bleeding from his femoral artery and that's when I realize I'm scared, absolutely terrified. This is more formatting, and keeping your thoughts in line before moving on. Where did you tie the tourniquet? You state you tied it around, and it's not until we read that you are trying to stop the bleeding from his femoral artery that we know it's his thigh. Minor editing will correct this. I look up at the battlefield, then back down at the Marine in front of me. I had just tied a tourniquet around his thigh to stop the bleeding from his femoral artery and that's when I realized I'm scared, absolutely terrified. I corrected a couple of very minor wordings, and kept the phrase in the past tense by changing realize, to realized. By saying you 'had just tied' puts this in the past tense, but saying 'realize', it's present tense.

3. The nurse was already calling for the pediatrician as I tried stimulating the baby and listening for the heart rate. Again, past and present tense. Listening is present tense, as is calling. Tried is past tense, as is was. Perhaps this would work for you. The nurse had already called for the pediatrician as I tried stimulating the baby, listening for the heart rate. Taking the 'and' out of the sentence, puts the action of the nurse calling for help, and you stimulating the baby in the past tense, yet leaving what you are now doing (listening for the heart rate) present tense.

         An interesting start to what could be a longer story. I hope to read more of this.




Sum1

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394
394
Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hey JLionheart,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice start to a much longer work, as your description mentions. But it needs some work, even standing alone. Essentially, this is a synopsis of a much larger body of work, one that seems to need written. You leave a reader with a lot of questions about this, so I will list a few I have.

1. Why is the president alone? Even if a nuclear war, or non-nuclear world war type of conflict had happened, someone would still be with the president. Not just secret service agents (who may have succumbed to various things), but his cabinet/assistants, someone from the military, etc. I doubt he would be entirely alone.

2. What happened here?

3. Where is everyone else? Surely he's not alone in the world.

4. I can see him (them) foraging for food, but why? Again, what's happened to cause all this?

5. Where does he live, where is he now?

         There's a lot more, but I will leave you with that. However, I have other comments. You do a lot of telling here. You need to describe him some, as well as where he's at. Mentioning "There might be Things looking at him from the dark -- Things with starting, staring, hungry eyes." just tells the reader that yes, there are things he should fear. What are they? Describe those featureless eyes, tell us what's behind those eyes. Describe the danger he faces every day. In other words, show us more, don't just tell us. A phrase I'm sure you've heard many times.



Sum1

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395
395
Review of Viva Las Vegas!  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hey Ima,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I see that you loved your trip to Las Vegas. Or so I assume. *Smile* I've never been to a show in Vegas, nor do I have a desire to see one. It's just not something I want to do, not on my bucket list.

         This is well written, especially since English is not your native tongue. I will not comment much on it, other than to say there are a couple of very minor errors. Overall though, it's well written. Your thoughts about Vegas are easy to follow, your love of the shows obvious in your writing. Well done!




Sum1

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396
Review of Goodbye 2015  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hey Jen,
         I love it when someone writes about the past year, or their goals for the coming year. It's not something I've ever done, and I'm not sure why. This is very good, but it does need a little minor editing. The most basic thing I saw, was an overuse of the number 2015. I've commented on it below, but wanted to say that was the thing that hit me most. My other comments are as follows....



Title:  Very apt for this letter.



Description:   You can make this a little stronger by removing the mention of Writer's Cramp. This will allow you to let readers know a little more about what to expect when they read it.



Grammar:  There were a couple of minor grammar issues, one due to a typo, and the other the wrong usage of a word.




My Favorite Part:  The pride I saw as you related how your family managed to fare so well in 2015.





General Comments:  

1. You overused 2015 in this letter. I counted 10 usages' of the number, sometimes twice in one of your paragraphs. It made the read a little redundant is all.

2. My other two are maturing and I see it in them that they are following in their sisters footsteps and they to are growing up so fast! The word to after they should be too.

3. I feel that I have grown as you have gone on through out the year 2015, I feel that I have learned a lot of things that I will take into 2016 with me. Through out should be one word. Here's an example where the second usage of 2015 is redundant. Here's an example of a minor change. I feel that I have grown as you have gone on throughout this year, I feel that I have learned a lot of things that I will take into 2016 with me.

4. a new chance to make out lives better and work together as a family to grow and become even stronger! It seems that out should be our.

5. I do no have regrets..I just know that this year has been hell and we are ready for some good in our lives. It seems like no should be not in this line.



Overall impressions:  A nice letter to the year 2015, explaining why she will not miss the previous year.



Sum1

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397
397
Review of LET ME DOWN  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hello there Countrymom,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 15th WDC Anniversary!

         In running the Anniversary Reviews forum, I've started to honor at least one deserving author each month. Usually it's someone involved in the forum. When I saw that your Anniversary is this month; there was no other choice, at least in my opinion.

         This is beautiful. That's the only way to describe it. The flow, the rhythm, the rhyme all fit well. I was especially touched by the single, last line. Love happens, as you describe in this poem, it grows, flourishes, and sometimes, fades away. I find it very sad in many ways, but have learned to accept it as a fact of life. One thing I do know, you can't make someone love you. You said he let you down easy, I'm glad of that.

         There's a lot that could be read in to this poem too though. This could be about life. Fall, you meet and fall in love. Live a long life together. Winter, the hard times of youth, happiness abounds. Spring, the new love you discover at mid-age. But he left. Perhaps he passed away at that time. Dang I hope not,. But all this could be read into this poem, depending on how you want to look at it.


         Thank you for an inspirational read this morning. I hope you have a great day!



Sum1

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398
398
Review by Sum1
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey Robin,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         There is absolutely no way I can let this day go by without sending you an Anniversary Review! Anything about our military gets to me, this poem is no exception. Though I'm not a big fan of a repetitive line or words in a poem, it's necessary here. I loved the flow of this, and the many ways you described how our servicemen have died in wars. The rhyme/rhythm was spot on if you ask me. Some lines seemed a little long, but it didn't affect the flow, at least for me. I did see a couple of very minor things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. There's an extra empty line between the 3rd and 4th verses.

2. In looking it over, I thought how nice, and slightly different it would be, to end this poem by repeating the first verse. Except, lines 3 and 4 would be lines 1 and 2, and vice versa.


Yes, my life ended late last night
in a far away land whose heartblood is torn.
I shall not pass this way again,
least not in any earthen form


3. The current last line of the poem seems to need a little editing. The way it's currently written, God's should be plural. I died fighting for freedom, that's the God's honest truth! It seems you can remove the word 'the' before God's.


         Excellent poem, thank you for the inspirational read.



Sum1

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399
399
Review of The Diqini  
Review by Sum1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Kat,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I hate to say it, but this sounds an awful lot like "Hunters Of The Red Moon", written by Marion Zimmer Bradley over 40 years ago. Except the hunted weren't all humans, other aliens were also hunted.

         That doesn't mean this isn't good, nor do I think you plagiarized her book. What I do think, is that this is too short (I know you were most likely under a word count), but also does more telling, than showing. If you choose to edit this, you might want to add more detail about Jim's running speed. Maybe describe one of his races. Perhaps her has a method where he hangs back some, then spurts ahead with an unequaled kick at the end. The other thing you might want to do should you edit this, is don't give away the twist at the end so soon. Again, hate to say it, but I saw it coming almost from the first time you mentioned the Diqini.

         Once last thing about the story. The small spat that Jim had with Tony after the ceremony, as well as their dialog was too stilted, too unrealistic. Don't you think the Gold Medal winner and his coach would say more to each other than just,

“Well, Jim, you are now officially the fastest man in the world.”

“Couldn’t have done it without you, Tony. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, but you’re the one that worked for it. Congrats.”

Use your imagination, think of the hugs, tears, and cheers they would share.





Sum1

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400
400
Review by Sum1
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hey Bianca,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         First and foremost, my comments are not meant to be rude or cruel, just honest. And to be honest, I'm not sure what type of poem this is, or what message you're trying to send with it. Yes, it's a nice poem, apparently about a dream. You seem to be the new queen for a castle. And that's where my ability to relate to this poem ends. *Frown*

         If I may, here's what I see as I read this.

         1. A rhyming poem (land/stand, deep/keep, gold/behold), but also a free verse poem (air/silence, land/tree, castle/village) are examples. So there's a rhyme scheme here (using letters to show the rhyme scheme of each verse) of aabc, ddef, gghi, jklm, nop. But you can see that's there's also no rhyme scheme since the last two lines of each verse do not rhyme. I don't know of any 'rule' in poetry that says you can't do this, I'm sure there are many famous poets in history who have done this. But there's other qualities a poem must possess to really make it stand out. Rhyme is one, another is rhythm. I am not an advocate of 'every line must have the same syllable count', that's for poem formats that require it, like a Kyrielle. However, the syllable count needs to be consistent to give the poem a flow. This is the syllable count for your poem. 12/10/7/5 13/11/10/7 13/11/12/8 1010/13/9 10/14/8. So that's two things a poem should possess. A third is a message. This is probably the most important to me. And as I initially said, I fail to see the message in this poem. Having three lines in the last verse is a little odd, but Villanelle has 4 verses of three lines each, with the last verse having four. Again, I don't know of any 'rule' that says a poem must have the same number of lines in each verse. But, and that's a big but (no pun intended), the poem must flow smoothly, and must have a message. That's my opinion at least. I'm not a great poet, but I like to think I know a great, or even a good, poem when I see one. I'm sorry, but this one needs a bit of work before I could think of it as either of those. If I may be so bold, here are a couple of suggestions for a couple of your verses (syllable count in parentheses)

Descending a mountain in a far away land (12)
passing a lake, for a moment I stand (10)
Stopping to breathe in a breath of fresh air (10)
enjoying the silence with nary a care (11)

I continue my journey through a forest so deep (13)
I have to be careful, on this path I must keep (12)
to reach the valley in this faeiry land (10)
I trip and stumble, fall to my knees and hands (11)



The main thing I was trying to do there, was show you a smoother rhythm your poem could have. The next thing I'd do, is tell a story. Yes, this one does tell one, but in reading this, what emotion does it bring out in you? Poetry is all about flow (rhythm), and emotion. I've read poems that are pretty simple in message, yet their words bring me to tears. So tell us why you are now the queen, how that was important, make us FEEL the pride or joy you have at being the queen.




Sum1

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