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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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276
276
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya !

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

I love this idea! It is a great way to raise GPs for some awesome groups, (and you included quite a few!) as well as to help out members with all of the holiday baking soon to come for most of us. I'm sure I will be making heavy use of this next week when I start, I never can seem to find the recipes I need when I need them! *Wink*

The layout of the page is really good. I found the font easy to read, the instructions were understandable, and the colors added some variety. Not to mention the image at the top made me hungry as soon as I saw it! I also think the price of 1000 GPs very fair. Good luck with this, I am sure you will do well!

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277
Review of Live your dreams  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" . I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*


Strengths:

The narrative tone in this piece was a wonderful reflection of the main character's personality. I could 'feel' what she was feeling, and to be honest, have felt that way from time to time. I really could have smacked out Huub, though, when he said 'who else would have put up with you for 20 years'. My mouth dropped and everything. Great work!

The story flowed well. I found myself drawn to the main character through the course of this, sympathisizing with her, and feeling like yelling at the screen, 'Just get out of there!'. This tells me you were able to delve into her emotions and make them real. Awesome.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Following him, I notice I’m wringing my hands. I still them. “I’m sorry Huub, I didn’t start dinner yet.” He turns around, looking annoyed. “What? I thought it was your day off.”
Since the dialogue here is from two different people, they should each have their own paragraph. I would start the second paragraph with 'He turns around'.

*Bullet* I did actually start looking into writing though.
Just need a comma before 'though'.

*Bullet*“Well, she did almost let Corey drown in bath once.
I think the word 'the' before 'bath' would smooth this sentence a bit.

In Conclusion

A really good read! It left me feeling sorry for the woman, wishing I could make a difference in her life. So, this tells me it was realistic and believable, as well as compelling. Really good stuff!

Happy Writing!

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278
278
Review of The Ice Lake  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" . I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*


Strengths:

The use of metaphor in this piece was powerful. The struggle against one's own mind was waged trapped within a cold lake, ice barring the path to the air and sun which give life. I very much enjoyed how this was told. I think almost everyone could relate to this at one point or another. It was the realization that his past would not come back to save him that finally gave the needed strength to take control. Very nice.

The narrative tone in this was consistent and effective. In the beginning there was only sadness, fear, and self pity, but as the piece moved along these emotions began to change. The transition was smooth and believable.

I have a few suggestions, but they are minor. I found the punctuation, spelling, and grammar all in good order. *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet* I'll reach it. I'll be free. I'll-thud
I had to re-read this to understand the last part. Consider seperating it a bit to show the thought had been cut off more clearly. For example,

I'll be free. I'll--

Thud.

If you choose to leave it as is, then it should be capitalized and needs ending punctuation.

*Bullet*...as the realization of my imprisonment becomes clearer.
I think this statement would be more powerful if you used 'clear'.

*Bullet*She continues looking down at me, her beauty both reassuring and frightening me.
Consider dropping the last 'me'. I don't think it is necessary, and I found it a bit repetitive.

In Conclusion

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. The piece moved along at a steady and believable rate. The narrative was active and compelling. Great work!

Happy Writing!

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279
279
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is one of those pieces that I think everyone can relate to at one point or another in their lives. I believe that negative thoughts attract negative situations, and therefore, positive attracts positive. However, I can see your point that nothing can be all good. There must be a balance of negative in order for one to appreciate the positive when it does occur. I think the problem is that people tend to forget there must be positive to level out the negative. Once a person gives in to negative thoughts, it is far easier to think negatively than positively. I suppose it is this sort of indecision that allows the negative to overrule the positive.

I found this piece very well written and structured. I followed your thoughts easily, and they were explained well with a minimum of words. I appreciate reading these kinds of pieces because they remind me to be thankful for the little things. I find that once my mind begins reflecting over deep thoughts, it just won't stop! *Smile*

Suggestions

Absolutely none. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It is well written, appeals to the emotions, and is thought provoking to boot. Thank you for sharing it! *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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280
280
Review of The Ancient  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was really quite heart wrenching. The narrative tone was soft, full of regret, but there was also a deep sense of loss. A loss of more than a person, but a way of life.

The narrative was very effective in capturing my interest and leading me on to discover more. It was intense as well as informational, probably one of the only pieces of exposition that I have read and become involved in. The Prince's voice was very distinct and intelligent. I found myself caught up in 'hearing' the story, rather than reading it.

The first paragraph grabbed my attention well by introducing the humans as 'mortals', as well as stating that their downfall began immediately after their creation. The fantasy lover in me just had to know what happened.

I really liked the concept of the Ether. I find that many authors use a world between the worlds, though I do not think I have ever heard of one quite like this. It would be hell, indeed, to live each day in a continual replay of every mistake you ever made. I found it believable and intriguing.

I enjoyed the use of ellipsis in this. I think they added a level of intensity to the statements they were attached to because the reader will pause and allow the content to sink in. At least, that's what happened for me. Nice touch.

The ending paragraph left me feeling very sad for the Prince, that he must stay on Earth by himself. It is mentioned in the beginning that an elf only falls in love once, and for some reason it stuck in my mind. I am eager to read more of this, to actually meet the Ancient.

I also have to mention the imagery. I don't know how you did it, after this I will have to go back and pick it apart a bit, but I found I had a strong visual of the area around him as he followed the Ancient.

Suggestions

*Bullet*By the next spring, our works upon the Earth had earned a level of respect for not what we were, but at least for what we could do.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit and had to re-read to understand the content. Consider rephrazing a bit. The section 'a level of respect for not what we were, but at least...' was the area that stopped me. Consider swapping 'for not' to 'not for'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An extremely well written, intriguing, emotional, and compelling prologue. I have tons of questions, which tells me it was effective. A prologue should make the reader want to know what happens, and this has definitely done that for me. *Smile* Now, where's the rest? *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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281
281
Review of The Lake  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece was dark, for sure, but there was an undertone of shame and regret, as well. The man had done something he was not proud of and felt his only option was to end everything. The narrative was active and compelling. It drew me through the story, and though I was sure it would end badly already, I found myself intent to see what happened in the end. Well done.

The story itself was quick and to the point. Very little information was given about his life, though the reader does get enough to feel a flash of sympathy for him because of how he viewed his mistakes. He was ashamed, and knew he could never fix what he'd done. I think this added to the dark atmosphere of the piece by keeping the reader unsure of his motives.

One thing you may want to keep an eye on is the over use of adverbs. I noticed quite a few in this piece, and while they are an easy way to produce the desired action, they tend to get in the way of the read when used often. This is something to keep in mind if you wish to be published. It is hard to replace adverbs with active verbs, but can often solidify the images for the reader.

I found the imagery was used well to help the reader envision the area and situation. My favorite description from this piece was:

In the paling last light, a breeze stirs the water ever so slightly; creating a thousand tiny reflections that shimmer and bounce like a vast field of diamonds.

I enjoyed the image this created. Nicely done.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*He recognizes peace for the first time in as long as he can remember and as the lake cradles him in her sturdy arms he is drawn into blissful sleep.
There should be a comma before 'and' as it is being used as a coordinating conjunction between two independent clauses. Also, a comma after 'arms' because 'As the lake cradles him in her sturdy arms' is an introductory clause for the main action.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was well written, intense, dark, and compelling. I was glued to the screen as I read, eager to see how it would end. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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282
282
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Kalistra !

I found this piece on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" , thank you for posting for us to read! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

First of all, you have requested a brutally honest critique. I am more than willing to do this, but please know that I am reading this with a critical eye, as well as the thought in my mind that you are going to want to publish this. This review will differ from my average review because I am going to attempt to point out anything I notice that may hamper that goal. Also, please keep in mind that I am not an editor and my suggestions are based on what I have learned as I pursue my own writing. *Smile*

The imagery in the first paragraph was well placed to give the reader a visual of the area, as well as grab their interest. The tone was tense and allowed for me to see that the situation coming up would be as well. To be honest, the imagery in the entire piece was really good. It was vivid and compelling, and I found I had no problem at all envisioning the countryside as he rode through different areas.

The narrative tone remained consistent throughout. I found myself quite involved in the piece as I read. The pace of the chase was steady, and the intensity of the narrative combined with the use of the character's thoughts allowed for a sense of anticipation and suspense.

The narrative was active and the exposition was spaced well to provide bits of information without any kind of info dump. Very well done. This will keep the story moving along, and keep the reader interested.

I loved that the forest ended up being petrified. It was original and completed the image in my mind very well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*In the first paragraph you use two adverbs, 'brightly' and 'imploringly'. Thanks to Ms. Diane and the Sunrise course, I have learned that any more than 1 adverb every three hundred words is frowned upon by editors. On the whole, they view it as lazy writing. You may want to consider rephrazing the sentences to take one out.

*Bullet*In the last line of the first paragraph, there should be an 'and' before the last item on the list.

*Bullet*...and the hoof beats seemed to echo sibilant whispers.
I love the use of 'sibilant whispers', it is very intense. My only suggestion is to make this a direct metaphor by taking out the 'seemed to'. Consider, 'and the hoof beats echoed sibilant whispers'. I think it increases the intensity. Also, you used the word 'sibilant' to describe the whispers 3 times. Conisder using a synonym rather than causing a repitition of the same word.

*Bullet*Suddenly the man found himself in the forest.
When using a disjunctive adverb to begin a sentence, it should be followed by a comma to show that it affects the sentence.

*Bullet* Still he urged his stallion back into a gallop,...
There needs to be a comma after 'Still' because it is a transitionary word to connect the previous sentence to the current one.

*Bullet*Abruptly his mount stumbled and went down squealing,...
'Abruptly' is a disjunctive adverb and needs a comma following it.

*Bullet*...that the stone forest was old, old, old and should have been left well enough alone.
I stumbled here with the repetitive use of 'old'. I believe 'ancient' would be a clearer way of explaining this.

*Bullet* As I said above, adverbs are frowned upon by editors. In this piece I found 17. Consider revising some of them to reduce their frequency.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this first part of chapter 1. It was well written, intense, descriptive, and active. I look forward to reading more. *Smile* If I was reviewing this purely from a readers perspective, I would have been compelled to give you as close to a 5 as I could get. However, from an editing perspective, I had some suggestions and have rated it accordingly. I would be more than willing to re-rate this if you decide to edit. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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283
283
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya Sparkler !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a really interesting piece. I like how you have addressed a very important issue with this and managed to present it in a flowing, expressive piece. I found there to be a poetic quality in this, and it worked very well with the content.

The narrative tone was lulling with a slight undertone of rebuke. I really enjoyed this aspect because it was good hearted, like a parent rebuking a young child. There was no bitterness in it, just a desire to teach and love. Very nice!

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet* The feet of an eagle wake me up, disturbing me.
The word 'wake' should be 'woke'. Also, this is restating what the first sentence said, consider cutting out the first one to avoid the chance of being repetitive.

*Bullet* It’s claws, which...
The word 'It's' should be 'Its'.

*Bullet*...which used to tickle me before seem rasher these days...
The word 'before' is saying the same thing as 'used to'. Consider removing it since it isn't really necessary.

*Bullet*...and try to turn your (and mine) precious planet...
Consider saying 'our precious planet'. I think it would flow a bit smoother.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. I found it to be a poetic way to show the reader the effects of humanities ignorance on our environment, especially the beautiful essence of trees. The view point of the tree was loving and helpful. A very nice read!

Happy Writing!

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284
284
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sparkler !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a cute read. I found the narrative tone steady, conversational, and quite entertaining. Coming from the perspective of a picture frame is an original idea, I couldn't imagine even trying. *Smile*

The flow was fairly good. The beginning couple of paragraphs were a bit choppy, but I found it evened out nicely as the piece progressed. The last two paragraphs were expecially fluid and natural.

The information regarding the museum enhanced the piece by allowing the reader to experience the area from the frames perspective. The descriptions were nicely done and provided a good mental image.

Suggestions

*Bullet*When he died, I was born, and I uphold his image till date.
I think 'till date' should be 'to date'.

*Bullet*The man, that great man for whom these walls entertain so many people lives in me, through me.
Consider simplifying this sentence. I can see the structure is meant to reflect the personality of the narrator, but this one feels like too much. It would be a much stronger statement if the redundancies were eliminated. Consider something like,The great man for whom these walls entertain so many lives through me. I have also realized that the statement seems unfinished. What about the great man are you trying to point out?

*Bullet*Moreover, there would a chamber to keep...
I think this sentence is missing the word 'be' before 'a'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an interesting piece. I found it very entertaining. The perspective of a picture frame is something I have never seen before, and I am impressed at how effective it was.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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285
285
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece worked very well with the content. It reflected the view point of Tom well as he experienced various situations. The POV was first person and I found it very effective. The thoughts and narrative flowed smoothly, making it easy for me to become involved in Tom and his life. Well done.

The story progressed smoothly from beginning to end. There were a lot of years covered in this piece, and I think the addition of some scenes of dialogue really helped to 'show' the reader the important times in his life which the story encompassed.

The dialogue between the characters flowed in a natural rhythm. It showed the personality of Tom well in the way he reacted to people, and the way they reacted to him. Doug showed himself as a true friend in every way.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*A couple hours later my wife came back to our apartment and apologized and related all the details to me.
Consider taking out the first 'and' and using a comma instead. I think it would smooth the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*"Welp, I ain't gonna try to stop you,...
I think the word 'Welp' should be 'Well'.

Overall

I really enjoyed this story. It contains a great message for those who struggle will these kinds of situations in their life. I love that it ended with his friend Doug saving him from making a potentially massive mistake. Well done.

Happy Writing!

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286
286
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya Dark_warrior !

I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

This is a heartfelt poem which reflects your love and commitment to the one you love. Poetry is such a great way to express emotions because it allows the writer to let the thoughts flow naturally.

I noticed that you used punctuation through, and I think it improved the flow of the read by showing the reader where the necessary pauses should be. I also noticed that you started each line with a capital letter. This may be your prefered style, and if it is that's great. I just wanted to suggest that because this poem flows like speech you may find it comes across easier if only the opening of each sentence is capitalized.

In the first line it says, 'had I not meet you'. I think 'meet' should be 'met' and the comma after 'concept' is not needed. Also, consider using a period to show the end of each sentence as you did for one other one in the poem. For example,

Had I not seen you, had I not met you,
I would never understand the concept
Of love.

One last suggestion. Consider the use of a metaphor or two to enhance the sensory aspect of this poem for the reader. It is clear you love this person immensely, so the emotional impact is definitely there, but I felt like it would have added another level of reaction from me if there was a bit of imagery used as well. Consider the following lines: I would never feel peace,
Never feel content. Think about what the peace feels like, is it like the calm surface of the ocean, or the drifting of clouds in the sky? It could be anything that makes you feel content. Try comparing that peace to the peace you feel when you're with him. Adding something like this can 'show' the reader the feeling through the use of something that is identifiable for the reader to relate to.

All in all, I enjoyed this poem. Like I said before, it was clear through the piece that you are completely in love, and feel very safe and content with the one you are with. I am a sucker for romance and the 'happily ever after', especially when it is heartfelt and emotional. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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287
287
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya Oscar !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece comes across as someone telling a story. It is consistent in its objectivity. If this was the effect that you were going for, then well done! I just have one suggestion as far as that goes. I personally think that this would be a very good basis for a full blown story where the reader is pulled into the action of the fateful crush. Consider using the perspective of John and creating the tale from his point of view as it is happening. I could just imagine how intense it could be if I felt as though it was happening at the time. You could start with an objective narrator and then fade into the story. Just a thought. *Smile*

I have never heard this legend before, and I'm not suprised considering the location. It is very intriguing.

Suggestions

*Bullet* He was a very weird guy; everyone who knew him thought he was very weird and even bizarre.
Consider eliminating the second use of 'very weird'. It feels repetitive and isn't needed twice so close together.

*Bullet*He had a strange fanatic touch that left everyone frightened.
There should be a comma after 'strange'. Also, consider embellishing on this point a bit. Why did his touch leave people frightened?

*Bullet*The boy always heard questions, he listened but he didn’t answer, the boy analyzed them, and resolved them, but he didn’t speak, perhaps he got lost in his memory or perhaps his words were lost in the past.
This sentence runs on a bit. Consider breaking it up into a few sentences to increase the flow of the read.

There are a few places in this that are a bit rough in structure. Try reading it to yourself out loud. It can often help to find the areas which don't flow quite right.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I believe this piece has a lot of potential. The basis of the urban legend is very interesting, and I think that if you were to examine it a bit more in-depth so the reader could 'feel' what the characters feel, and experience the legend as it is being created through John's actions, it would make a big impact. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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288
288
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya ShiShad !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is a very nicely written, informative article about self publishing. I enjoyed reading this and learning about how easy it is to publish through lulu.com. Minus all the work the author does, of course, but I agree with you on that. I think performing your own formatting, and choosing your own options definitely adds the personal touch that is sure to appeal to readers.

I think this article is a really great tool for those that are considering publishing their own work. It shows why lulu.com works, how it works, and provides the encouragement for authors who may be apprehensive about the experience. Well done!

Suggestions

Absolutely no suggestions. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I loved this article. Anyone who is considering publishing their own work through a printing company should definitely check this one out! *Smile* I would be more than happy to recommend reading this piece.

Happy Writing!

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289
289
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya Winnie!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

Ah, this is such a great memory! Your use of metaphors through this heightened your personal voice very well. I could easily hear you as I read, and I found myself sympathetic to your emotions as you went to answer the door. This is a great showing of how something good can come out of such a simple thing as answering the door when you don't really feel like it. Strange, isn't it, how stereotypical thoughts about someone can turn out to be completely opposite of what they are really like.

The structure of this piece was great. I followed the story easily as I read through. The ending was heartfelt and left me feeling happy inside. Great work. *Smile*


Suggestions

Just one tiny thing... I think 'Tiger' should be 'Tigger'.

*Bullet*Winnie-the-Pooh and Tiger t-shirt

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A wonderful read to start off my day. Thank you for sharing this memory with me. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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290
290
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This is a powerful piece. The sin of suicide caused this woman to be forever denied those she loved and lost so early in her life. Such a bitter thing, really, that one mistake could cause such a thing.

The narrative tone of this piece suited the content well. It was soft, slow, and sorrowful. It set the mood, as well as the pace for this story as it unfolded. I think her slow progression up the steps of the house fit in with the exposition nicely. Each step took on a meaning, another phase of her life. Very nice.

The emotion was strong and effective in this story. It was laced through the narrative a bit at a time, allowing the reader to get to know Tess as a person. I could feel the love she had for her husband and son, and how their deaths must have torn her apart inside. She lived a lonely, painful life, wishing for nothing more than to be reunited with those she lost, and in the end she was weak of spirit and gave in to the pain. A tragedy, for sure.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Tess had taken in sewing, washing. anything just to make ends meet.
The period after 'washing' should be a comma.

*Bullet*...contacted pneumonia in the spring...
I think 'contacted' should be 'contracted'.

*Bullet*Truth be told Tess preferred to keep it that way.
I think a comma after 'told' would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*...keeping silent on this her night of wandering.
I think a comma after 'this' would cause this sentence to be a bit more dramatic.

*Bullet*Cutting of her life's breathe.
The word 'breathe' should be 'breath'.

Overall

This piece was well written, intense, vivid, and emotional. I felt very sad for Tess at the end, wishing that somehow it could have turned out right for her, and yet knowing that there is no magic answer. Very well done.

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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291
291
Review of Night-dreaming  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hiya, Oscar !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is an interesting piece. It is meant to be obscure, alike to the mind of someone not quite within the realm of the sane, and yet not completely crazy either, I think. A sense of foggy misinterpretation surrounds the narrative of this, like the character is seeing everything through a veil without completely understanding, or maybe, not wanting to understand.

I enjoyed the soft, lulling rhythm of the structure. It was quite effective in establishing the mind set of the main character, and showing how everything he saw and experienced was a bit distorted. The past of this character was an obvious cause of this, at least to me.

I think you could increase the effectiveness of this piece by showing the visions a bit more clearly. I think the descriptions are vague for the reason of showing the state of mind, but I believe that is established well enough with the internal thoughts and the story itself as it progresses. I think giving the reader a detailed, vivid experience would go a long way in enhancing the imagery in this. The first paragraph intrigued me, but I couldn't 'see' what the character saw, I could only read the character's interpretation of it. Try to be more specific in the details, and see if it enhances it for you.

Consider reading this to yourself out loud. Feel the flow of the words, and see if the meaning you are going for is coming through. There were places where I could see what you were trying to get at but the sentence structure interfered with the message. I have included a few examples of this below, as well as some suggestions for wording, etc.

I think the basis you have going here is really great. I can see how compelling this piece will be with some editing and tweaking. It will be a really great read, I'm sure. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*...everything gets obscure and a stroke...
Consider 'everything becomes obscure'.

*Bullet*I walk through the place, pass through some stairs, and then realize them.
I am confused by this sentence. What is 'them'? What is realized?

*Bullet*but…the very only action I perceive with incredible accuracy...
The word 'very' is extra in this sentence. Also, consider surrounding 'with incredible accuracy' with commas to show that it is non-essential.

*Bullet*...reflecting against the gold bright cufflinks which belong to a...
The flow is off around 'gold bright cufflinks'. Consider 'bright, gold cufflinks'. A comma should seperate them because they are coordinate adjectives.

*Bullet*I know my mind is not possibly that strong to summon it all.
Consider 'strong enough' rather than 'that strong'.

*Bullet*As long as I know, this constant dream is more than a series of images, sounds and emotions which my mind experiences during the infinite nights; it is more of an unforgettable consternation which provokes me the ceasing to be sane.
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'know', it disrupts the flow of the sentence and reduces the ability to understand it. Also, I think the end is saying that it drives you crazy, but the way it is stated is hard to understand. Consider, 'an unforgettable consternation which provokes within me the inability to retain sanity.

*Bullet*I was forced to take off my fear for night and darkness.
The phrasing 'take off my fear' feels awkward to me. Consider 'ignore my fear' or a synonym with a similar meaning.

*Bullet*I then found myself driving through an imperturbable road;
I can't say I understand what you are saying here. First, I think it should be 'along' the road, rather than 'through', but I'm not sure about 'imperturbable' as it means calm or uneventful. At first I thought it was a metaphor for life, but then the next paragraph says you parked your car, which makes it a literal meaning. Are you meaning that there were no other people on it, or perhaps that it was boring?

*Bullet*I laid my eyes on this above dull bright...
The use of 'dull' and 'bright' side by side like this is a contradiction. I wonder if it is a typo.

*Bullet* making your skin shivered cold.
I believe this should be 'shivering cold'.

*Bullet*A rush of cold, chilling could be sensed.
Consider rephrasing slightly to make this sensation clear. For example, 'A rush of cold, chilling and eerie, could be sensed.

*Bullet* He seemed to be insinuating me to enter the frivolous attraction.
Consider 'He seemed to be insinuating that I enter...'

*Bullet*He was standing still, hardly talk, didn’t murmur or even show a gesture;
The section 'hardly talk' doesn't fit in this sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I loved the basis for this piece. The narrative tone was compelling and intense, and granted the confusion of a mind that doesn't quite have a grasp on full reality, but that isn't completely insane either. With a bit of editing, this piece is going to have a huge impact on the reader.

Happy Writing!

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#1718637 by Maryann - House Martell

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292
292
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This is a cute story. The narrative tone was crisp, clear, and easy to understand as I read. I found the descriptions of the milking and washing process easy to visualize even though I haven't been around that sort of thing for over twenty years. Good work. I'm fairly sure I would be just as lost trying to figure out which cow was which, as you stated, they pretty well all look the same to me! *Bigsmile*

The only thing I would have liked was a bit of information about the relationship between you and Dave. It was obvious that he was older, or at least it seemed that way because he built you a stool, etc. but I wasn't sure if this was a job, or a chore in a family environment. I think adding that in would be helpful for the reader's understanding.

The sentence structure was really good for the most part, I just have a couple of suggestions below in that regard.

Suggestions:

The following section needs to be smoothed out just a bit. I have made a few small changes for you to consider.

*Bullet*They all looked the same to me: the heads were shaped the same, their ears were huge, eyes were deep brown, those nostrils were slightly disgusting[,] with slobber and grain sticking to them, and their tails were still beaded up with dried on manure from their days in the sale barn and the truck ride up from Crivitz, Wisconsin as few weeks ago.

*Bullet*I got to understand how to step up to a large animal and the soon even the swinging wet and slimy tails were...
The word 'the' before 'soon' is not needed. Also, consider 'wet, slimy tails'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, this was an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing this!

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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293
293
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a really fun read! Although I have little understanding of the culture represented in this piece, you did a nice job at describing it enough for me to understand the situation.

The narrative tone in this piece was tons of fun. I found the personality of Ginny came through clearly through the use of active narrative and internal thoughts. She was sarcastic and harsh, and yet soft enough on the inside that she didn't ignore the girl completely as I'm sure many would have. She puts on a tough exterior, but when it comes right down to it, she demonstrated that she cared. Her thoughts were humorous, and though they were tinged with bitterness, it was easy to see that she wasn't nearly as hard hearted as she thought she was. A genuine, original personality. Well done. I think knowing her personality so well allows for the reader to have an emotional reaction to the story and the people in it. I know I sure felt good at the end knowing that she had helped the girl, and she did so in a way that she could justify it to herself so she wouldn't have to admit she cared.

I enjoyed the use of metaphors and similes in this piece. They were fresh and original and enhanced the visual images well.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. The first paragraph caught my attention and I found myself reading on eagerly to see what would happen. You made good use of the senses in your descriptions and I think that it really enhanced the experience for me as I read. I was able to 'see' the situation as it unfolded, and to 'hear' the conversation between the two. Very nice.

The exposition was laced through the narrative very effectively so that I hardly even noticed that I was recieving important information. I really like this, it increases the effectiveness of the story by keeping the readers attention on the action, teaching them without them even realizing it. Very nice.

Great use of the prompt!


Suggestions

*Bullet*Then the clueless hapless unwashed masses
Due to the fact that 'clueless', 'hapless', and 'unwashed' are all coordinate adjectives, there should be a comma after both 'clueless' and 'hapless'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a thoroughly enjoyable, effortless read. I found it nicely paced, interesting, and realistic. The story line flowed well, and the sentence structure was flawless. Ginny's character was a lot of fun - definitely one I will not soon forget. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1718637 by Maryann - House Martell

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294
294
Review of Shadow Dance  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, 🌕 HuntersMoon !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. *Bigsmile*

I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


A funny thing...when I came along the word 'abstruse' I ran to my dictionary, only to find at the end of the poem that you had done the work for me! I think it's great that you added that definition. It gives clarity for those, like me, who were stumped by it.

The form used in this isn't an easy one, and I think you did a very nice job with it. The flow was really nice as I read it out loud. I found the words flowed off my tongue with ease. To be honest, I read it out loud on my first reading, which really showed me how smooth it was that I didn't stumble even when I had no idea what was coming. The correct use of punctuation enhanced the flow for me, allowing me to see the meaning of the sentences as I read them without having to try and interpret after.

The word choices for the rhyming scheme were well done. They were effective in establishing the mood, as well as keeping the form constant. Well done. The tone in this piece felt reflective. I found myself feeling a soft sense of nostalgia almost. I think I'm going to have to take some lessons in poetry writing for the fact that I can 'feel' the mood but can't decide what area caused the sensation.

The first stanza was strong and set the pace for the rest of the piece. It intrigued me and pulled me in for the rest of the read.


Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar, or spelling. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I think you made very creative use of the prompt, as well as the form.

Happy Writing!


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#1718637 by Maryann - House Martell

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295
295
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, hbar !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was a blast. It was blatantly naive with a touch of stubborn insistance, and I found it truly comical. The internal thoughts were phrased well to seem natural and believable. So blind in so many ways, and with such a patient wife. Oh my, I could just imagine how hard it would have been not to laugh outright at the blind acceptance regarding how Tom had been, 'listening very attentively'. *Bigsmile*

As I said, the internal dialogue was well done. It allowed the reader to see the situation from your perspective. For the most part, the thoughts were naive and blinded by personal opinion, which of course made them all the more humorous and realistic. Likewise, the dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and felt realistic in content and delivery. I could definitely picture the scene as your wife tried desperately to be loving and patient while you made your realization.

The structure of the piece was smooth and consistent. I found the story progressed very well from beginning to end, and was effective in showing the situation in a positive and humorous light. Your refusal to accept the obvious was absolutely priceless.

This is the kind of story that I think almost everyone will relate to in some way, whether it is from your perspective or your wife's. I can see both sides and find it all the more funny because of it. My husband, on the other hand, would keep a completely straight face while claiming not to see what was so funny about it and then go on to point out how he could see that it was just a big misunderstanding.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but he is normally a fairly reserved polite guy.
There should be a comma after 'reserved' because 'reserved' and 'polite' are coordinate adjectives.

*Bullet*...my mom had always told that.
Consider placing the word 'me' between 'told' and 'that'.

*Bullet*When the photo got to me it was a picture of Tom and me, I was talking, rather animatedly, which is unusual because I am a quiet, reserved, extremely well mannered gentleman at all times, Tom was listening very attentively.
Consider breaking this up a bit to improve the flow by using a full stop after 'Tom and me'. Also, add an 'and' before 'Tom was listening'.

*Bullet* Anyway, I said “bored, you’ve got to be kidding me?”
Just need a comma after the word 'said' and to capitalize 'bored'.

*Bullet*“Look at Tom closely John.
There should be a comma before 'John' because it is a direct address.

*Bullet* “Ah” she said, as...
Just need a comma before the ending quotation mark.

*Bullet* “No, but he should” I vehemently replied.
Just need a comma before the end quotation mark. There are a few other places like this, as well.

*Bullet*...well there one or two other reasons also but this isn’t...
Consider inserting the word 'are' after 'there'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece! A great showing of a comical event. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1718637 by Maryann - House Martell

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296
296
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, ShiShad !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was an amazing, emotional read. I couldn't imagine losing a son, and to be able to write a piece such as this about his son is truly inspiring to me. The ability to express your love for him in such a way really shows your inner strength, as well as a level of peace found. It is wonderful that you have a grandson in which to love and nurture, though no one could ever replace a son, I hope his presence will grant you a certain level of peace.

I commend you for your ability to express your feelings in a wholesome and inspiring way.

The flow of this piece was really nice. I didn't find any areas where I stumbled as I read out loud. The picture of at the top of the poem was a great addition, and made the content 'real' for me as a reader.

An exceptional piece! Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1718637 by Maryann - House Martell

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297
297
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone was crisp and clear, and it reflected the personality of Tico very nicely. As the story was told from his perspective, I found it very effective in establishing the mood of the piece, as well as showing the reader what type of person he was through internal thoughts, actions, and reactions.

The story progressed well from beginning to end. I liked the opening section of memory from Tico's childhood. It was a great way to capture the interest of the reader, as well as a great demonstration of Tico's background. It allowed me to see what his relationship was with his dad, and in turn, made his epiphany at the end of the story even more powerful and realistic.

The dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and seemed believable for the situation they were in. I could imagine the cacophany of people and kids milling around and wasn't at all suprised to see Tico find a way to escape it.

I really enjoyed the moral of this story. You showed how the turkey isn't the important part of Thanksgiving, but the actual act of being thankful for one's family and friends. A very important and meaningful message, and it came through very clearly through Tico's experience. Well done.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Even before Thanksgiving dinner A.J. Couldn't set aside both...
The word 'couldn't' doesn't need to capitalized. If your word processor is anything like mine, it changed it automatically because of the period on A.J.

*Bullet*...never once feeling that same joy that I did on that last Thanksgiving dinner all those years ago.
Consider replacing one of the words 'that' with 'the' to reduce the chance of it feeling repetitious.

*Bullet*I can see the some of the similarities as well.
I think the word 'the' before 'some' is out of place in this sentence.

*Bullet* All Ellie can think about is desert,...
The word 'desert' should be 'dessert'.

Overall

This was a well written, emotional, and inspiring read. Thank you for sharing!

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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298
298
Review of Brick by Brick  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Yellow Rose !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The mood of this piece was established very nicely with choice of content in the first stanza. It showed understanding for the loneliness, as well as hope for the future. It was an effective inspirational boost to begin the piece on a positive note.

This poem deals with a subject which I think many readers will be able to relate in some way. Everyone in the world has problems. Issues can appear which make living life a challenge, especially on an emotional level. This piece acknowledges that, but then pushes onward by offering hope, a way to repair the 'damage' and become strong again. Very nicely done.

The flow of this piece as I read it out loud was very smooth. The words rolled off my tongue with very little effort. It was pleasing to look at, read, as well as listen to.

Suggestions

I have only one comment regarding the first two lines. The use of the word 'that' was slightly distracting.

I found no errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I found this to be inspiring, captivating, as well as emotional. I really liked how you used the visual confirmation of the 'falling bricks' at the end of the poem. It was a really nice touch. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1718637 by Maryann - House Martell


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299
299
Review of Stand With Me  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya Yellow Rose !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a gorgeous piece. I found the tone to be gentle and loving. It complimented the content very nicely and allowed for a distinctive mood of gentle guidance and peace. The structure of the lines was flawless, and the word choices flowed smoothly. The rhyming sequence added a soft cadence as I read aloud which I found very pleasing to the senses.
I also loved how you added such subtle imagery to produce a beautiful image in my mind to accompany the meaning.

It is lovely to look at, inspiring to read, and sounds fluid when read out loud.

It is amazing to me how you can fit so much emotion into just a few lines. My heart felt full when I finished reading this. Extremely well done!


Suggestions

Absolutely none! *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An inspiring, emotional read. I enjoyed it immensely, thank you for sharing your gift with us. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1718637 by Maryann - House Martell


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300
300
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya ShiShad !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*




I just love true stories like this one. I found this so very miraculous and inspiring. The power of God is such an amazing thing; even when there seems to be no hope left, his angels come through. The dream which started all of this was very interesting. I have heard of this sort of thing, and my husband says he experienced such a thing when his father passed away just after the birth of our first son. My husband said his dad had been waiting for our son to be born before he left this world. I think it is such an awesome thing, though I can admit I have no desire to experience it for myself.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason, though lately I find so many instances that have started to show me perhaps not everything happens as it was meant to, and that is why God has given us guardian angels. I think it makes sense because I know for a fact there is evil in the world, and sometimes evil has its fun by tormenting us. Our guardian angels come then, in those times of need, to give us the help we so desperately require, and in so doing, strengthen our love for our Heavenly Father. I believe there is no other explanation for finding Candice in another place, just when you needed her. Amazing!

I really enjoyed the tone you used to tell this story. It was personal, emotional, and thankful. I could hear your voice plainly in the telling of this, as though we were sitting over coffee as you told me the events. I could feel the awe as Candice showed up for the second time, and knew then that she must have been very special.


Suggestions

I have just one technical suggestion. There are a few lines of dialogue which start with 'I said' or 'He said'. There should be a comma after 'said' before the dialogue begins.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an awe inspiring story, made all the more intense because it is true. Thank you so much for sharing this. It will show those out there who do not believe in miracles that there can be no doubt. Miracles do happen, guardian angels are real, and God loves us so much that he gives us these things freely. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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