Excellent free verse poetry that really speaks to our society right now, the divisions and taking sides. It makes for an atmosphere that could lead to violence over almost anything. The metaphor of using a tinder box is very creative and accurate. I think we are naive over what could possible happen if we keep up this denial of the truth. Your descriptive language is excellent and I loved the ending. I wish it wasn't true though. Stay safe and keep writing.
Wonderful writing that any senior can relate to. Your descriptive language is so stimulating to the senses, I can visualize laying beneath the ebony drape and the stars sparkling. I believe we become part of this universe after death and that is a lovely thought. We are made up of the same energy as the stars around us. This poem rhymes and has a smooth soothing rhythm.
I love this stanza:
When I was young, I ran ahead of time
In sweet, exuberant discovery,
Life stretched far ahead and waited for me,
Time was kinder, dealt with me patiently.
My mind travels to the past so much of the time anymore. It is hard to become excited about a future yet the past has been a wonderful accomplishment. But being grateful for each day is enough. No depression, just realistic and there is still magic and learning.
This is a enjoyable read and deserved to win. I have read Steinbeck and watched documentaries of the cruelty of the bull fights. Like dog fighting, it is disgusting to me. I know other people don't feel that way but I hate any kind of violence and am worried about America right now. Anyway, your piece was well written with realistic descriptions that made me feel like I was there. It also gave me a sense of hope and a chuckle. Congrats!
I am so very glad that I saw this short story. You pulled me in and I forgot everything happening around me. I could see the young sister shooting up and the clutter of the house that had fresh flowers at one time. I was at the beach during happier days when a family was there. Then at a loved mother's bedside who no longer has hope of coming back to a normal life. Jump to a sister in Rehab doing very well and becoming a sober version of her better self. Then the ending at the writer's auto accident and death is knocking at the door. An acceptance is the ending of a life that is completely at peace with nature. You spin a very realistic account of someone who is an addict also and drugs are dragging her away each time she tries to grab a helping hand. Tears are in this reader eyes. Excellent writing, keep it up.
Any comments are only my personal ideas and meant as suggestions.
My overall impression: Well, you answered the question of the meaning of joy for you without dialogue. Your writing is very good and I was involved in the story immediately. Your description of dormitory life reminds me of my oldest son coming home after freshman year. He wanted so badly to stay in the dorm but was unable to study because of the social life around him. He partied on weekends, not like his roommate and so many others.
What I liked most: Your writing flows and is easy to follow. I love your descriptive language of the church and the feelings you express about the peace and joy you find there. You have a good introduction paragraph and then take us through to a satisfying ending.
Suggestions for change: I didn't see any errors and no suggestions for change.
This writing made me feel: I believed in the emotions of the writer and that is what is most important to me as a reader. Keep writing.
Always make the time to write. Your characters will speak to you, if you take the time to listen.
Keep writing!
Kat
In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Excellent writing complete with details and a sense of actually being there. I love history also and enjoy researching and writing about it. You drew me in and had me completely absorbed in this actual awful destruction of property and lives. You gave it a personal touch. Keep writing. Good luck with the contest.
This is a well written poem that flows beautifully and shows the esteem and love you hold for God as a fatherly figure for you. The rhyme and rhythm are perfect. Stay safe and keep writing.
I liked the way you wrote this, sharing personal hopes and plans until Covid changed everything for everyone. The fact that out of negative circumstances we grow and change, gaining adaptive skills continuing to learn, finding blessings. I know that you did this for a contest so you probably had a limit on words. I wish you had mentioned those who weren't as fortunate as you were but that is the healthcare worker in me. The written work itself is without flaws and very thoughtful. Stay safe and keep writing.
Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed this story. I was completely absorbed and feeling anxiety and terror for this person. It is amazing the adrenaline and other neuro chemicals that rush in to paralysis with fear and the worse scenario. I believe those of us that write might be more prone to "anything might happen".
You did an excellent job of writing this. A great beginning to bring the reader in and interested, a plot that stirs the emotions with a hook and then a wonderful ending so I could stop holding my breath. Keep writing and stay safe.
I really enjoyed reading this poem and related to it. As a fellow baby boomer, we share a lot of history in common and experiences. I am partial to the last stanza which echoes how I feel and write about today's craziness. I try to compare it to what we experienced and how did we get here and not make more progress in changing this world? I love your history of growing up in a world I recognize.
A wonder bread world of
Tree shaded sidewalks
In small town America
Since then I have learned
Many hard won lessons,
Neither to quickly nor too well.
As to the madness which seemed
Always to impinge I just don’t know.
The times are still a changing,
But they don’t seem to be any
Less full of madness.
And the ending is perfect-I still have no idea how to end the madness. Maybe 2 steps forward and one back is an answer for some but I want more! Keep writing.
I enjoyed reading this. When I saw the prompt, my 1st thought was of Superman too. Can't believe the guy is still making an impact on American culture. I suppose the idea that someone can protect us from harm will always be popular so the Super heroes plus Gods will always have their place. You did an excellent job writing this. I miss phone booths but haven't needed one in years now. Of course with the cyber security problems, I think some of these relics might be handy to keep around cause waiting for Superman really doesn't work.
Kat
A sad and emotional love poem/song. It is well written and flows with rhythm. I hope it isn't a personal story. You captured the loneliness for many people after a love has been rejected. Life goes by so very fast. Congratulations on being published. I have never tried-never felt like my writing was good enough. It has always been a happy hobby for me.Thanks for the read. Stay safe and keep writing.
Excellent write filled with the emotions I feel and don't know what to do with. My sons both served and so did my Dad. I have always been so proud of that. To find out so many military have turned to the "darker side is disturbing". I do pray there will be a healing in this divided country of ours. I still believe the majority of people are against violence as an answer because it never is, as war never is but sometimes necessary. Thanks. Stay safe.
You have written a lovely story about the sad fact that sometimes children die.It is like the kind you would tell a child about the death of a friend. I know you said this fictional and it truly is. I just want to say I enjoyed reading it and I wish it could be so easy, maybe for some people it is. I am an RN and children do seem to handle a terminal cancer diagnosis much better than many adults.But they all go through a lot of procedures etc. I think you could have been more descriptive with treatments and do more showing and not telling about this child's life and death. Maybe add a little about his family and the things he liked doing for fun and how it got harder to make it more real. Keep writing.
Stay safe and creative.
Any comments are only my personal ideas and meant as suggestions.
My overall impression: I know this is probably putting my story into your own. I am a retired RN and a recovering alcoholic. I worked for almost 30 years-had to leave due to my dystonia diagnosis, unable to mange the movements and pain under stress any more. I thought this was an exceptional piece with a lot of despair and empathy. I missed Covid but was there for many other terrible deaths that I write about in my port, changing names.
What I liked most: The idea of using the theater metaphor is very appropriate although when the director says "Cut", the patient remains center stage dying.
I love this:I had center stage; I don't want to be the lead get me out of this fucked up set. I don't want to play anymore; there is no need to bow my head. This is my low; not my best show. Now hand me that drink, would you please, put me at ease—time to tip the wink.
Suggestions for change: None
This writing made me feel: confused reading between the lines and thinking I know where you are coming from but not sure. We all have patients we will never forget. Mine was a 16 year old (over 50% full thickness burn patient), sent to me to keep comfortable back in 1980. It is tiring work for the body and soul but someone needs to stand guard and make an inevitable death a "good death" as we called it. Sometimes lip gloss is a big thing we can do. You are a hero! Great writing!
Always make the time to write. Your characters will speak to you, if you take the time to listen.
Keep writing!
Kat
In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?
—Rainer Maria Rilke
What a beautiful and clever poem you have created. The mix of nature and the senses is pitch perfect. You are an excellent poet, keep writing. Stay safe and creative.
I wish I had written this. You take the original 2nd amendment and explain all the changes it has gone through. Now our country has more guns than citizens and mass shootings are a weekly occurrence. Once the decision has become part of the Supreme Court rulings and states pass laws like open carry, how do you begin to put the monster back in the bottle? I don't think it will change in my lifetime. I have always thought reasonable people would see the danger but I am afraid about 1/3 of our population is living on another planet these days. Excellent piece full of critical thinking, sources, reasoning and empathy. Stay safe and creative.
I enjoyed reading this. It is wonderful that you are able to be so honest about your past life. I think it is admirable that you checked into other religions also. It really shows an open mind. I hope that you are happy and content in your journey in life. This was a refreshing read about a person's journey to discover themselves. Keep writing and stay safe. I wish you peace.
This poem is certainly one to ponder on. I like to believe that we are over the worst and better things are on the way. Of course, we are in April now and many have received the vaccines, which is a scientific breakthrough that is a wonder. I didn't vote for Trump either time and have been on pins and needles since he was elected. We all feel differently about politics but I do feel like he might have caused more division in our country. I like the way you refer to the passing of a train, I want to believe we all safely move ahead. There will always be problems. Take care.
This is excellent look into the world of caring for an autistic child. It is nicely written with your courage, strength and compassion shown in the words. We have 2 grandchildren that are on the autism spectrum so I have watched my kids struggle with diet and medications, trying to find the right keys. These kids are so bright but can be quite a handful. Each one is every bit as special as any "normal" (whatever that is) child. I admire your writing and steel but bending spine.
Excellent poem for this prompt, sad but very realistic. It is well written with a good flow and rhythm. With all the craziness going on in this world, I have a hard time thinking of funny and joyful subjects. We still have soldiers dying every day in all corners of the globe, from all countries. It is a never ending disgusting activity that no one ever wins, except those who make money or have power (if you consider that winning). Sad but excellent read. Good luck!
I loved this. Dr. Suess is not gone-he wrote over 40 books and even if they take 6 down, they are delightful and will continue to be read by generations to come. Change is always taking place but the classics still survive. Your tribute is wonderfully written, rhymes and brings the characters to life. My children loved Dr Suess and read his delightful tales to their children. Like Sesame St., it is part of our legacy. There are new books out there also that are wonderful, just see what your grandkids are reading now. Thanks for the memories and may Dr Suess' books live on to thrill other kids.
Fondly,
Kat
The wonderful things that we shall see....
You did a thorough and knowledgable job of writing about this problem that has been going on for far too many years. Everything you have documented here is true. Since I really don't claim any specific religious affiliation at this time, I have been involved in many and always noticed that many churches don't even understand much about the Jewish religion, they know about the Holocaust and most believe Jesus was born a Jew. They don't seem to realize there are several different types of Judaism and don't understand the culture. I see the Jewish people as the ones that have consistently come to the aid of the disenfranchised: migrants, African Americans during the Civil Rights heated days of the 60's and still today. Jews have started and supported labor unions, putting their very lives on the line. I have always admired Jewish people that I know because of their family closeness. Most do encourage a good education for their children. Having money and influence in this world helps assure that laws will be made to discourage terrorism and encourage justice. I enjoyed reading this and hope many others will. Very well written with both an emotional tone and accurate facts. Take care and stay safe.
Kat
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