This is beautiful. Excellent word crafting, rhythm and rhymes.
I wish I shared this love for fall. Yes, for years I thought about the beauty of autumn leaves when I lived in FL and TX and saw few (and short) changes of seasons. Now that I live in the north again, I have to rake those leaves and they lose some of their beauty because of it. And knowing that snow comes next, another thing that looks great from the window, but must be shoveled... I wish summer lasted longer!
Thanks for sharing. You did write a beautiful poem.
What a fun experience. Music is one language that everyone seems to understand.
Suggestion:
For most of this, you've used past tense verbs. I'd probably change these sentences:
We found that we can look up and download all kinds of music available for our listening pleasure. We talked about how music brings meaning to life and soothes the soul.
Perhaps:
We found that we could look up and download all kinds of music available for our listening pleasure. We talked about how music brought meaning to life and soothed the soul.
These are fine words that any son would love hearing from his mom.
Suggestion:
Trying not to laugh as you screamed bloody murder the first time you walked barefoot in the grass, the first time you met Santa, the first time you touch a dog.
Since most of this is past tense, you need "touched a dog."
Fantastic story. One that every married person, whether husband or wife, can certainly understand. Indeed, as the story unraveled, it was easy to predict the next step. (Like not looking at the instruction manual. e:smile}) Still, it was a story that had to be - finally - written. Hmmm. Perhaps I should sent it to my hubby to read?
I loved this. So many write about love and lost love. But this was quite different. I loved the imagery. As one who has experienced divorce, this made absolute sense. It's someone one can wish one created.
This is a wonderful speech. I hope you have the opportunity to give it to numerous groups of black young men.
I never have understood why people don't help each other get ahead more. My sister is a Vice President for a large international company. When I've asked her why she hasn't mentored other women over the years, her response was that "women don't want mentors."
Categorizing individuals collectively like that is always wrong, whether it is done by race or gender or whatever. Of course there are women who want mentors!
Zig Ziglar says that each of us already has a portion of everything needed to be successful: assertiveness, kindness, a caring spirit, commitment, competency, confidence, consistency, creativity, dependability, energy, etc. Developing those traits that we already have is the key.
And I learned long ago - that both in business and in family matters - that treating people as if they already are creative, dependable, honest, hard-working, and enthusiastic is the key to helping them become even of these things.
Thanks for sharing this with us, but especially with the young black men.
What a story. Well...sure, it could have happened that way.
Some suggestions:
that tried there had and business. Not sure what this should say. Perhaps...tried their hand at business?
The local people would bring their whole family whole families
We loved the ride to the fair it was the only time of the year when chores were set aside and the family would spend time together, although Lee and I were spending more time away from the folks as we got older, we still loved the trip. This should be more than one sentence, or use a semi-colon.
Dad always told the story of when he used to work on the train there was a small canyon they would steam through slowly and shoot rattlesnakes until the stench of the rotting animals would make you sick. More than one sentence, or a semi-colon is needed.
The big finale of the week was the dance, Sunday night they lit up a huge old barn with gas lamps and candles and had musicians up on the stage. More than one sentence or semi-colon.
Lee and I watched, not thinking much about what we had done the night before, not feeling to good either, I had thrown up once early in the night not enjoying the rocking of the wagon with that clear liquid rolling around in my throbbing head. Another long sentence that should be changed as above. Also, it should be "not feeling too good..."
Welcome to Writing.com. There's nothing to fear here. There are some who will be brutal in reviews and others who will be kinder. But...if you're ever planning on submitting your writings, you do have to get used to rejections. Everyone gets them.
For some reason, these lines spoke to me:
I hope to quiet that nagging fear
And simply get on
With my writing career.
What a story. I'll probably remember this one the next time I have spaghetti and garlic bread.
Some suggestions:
My best friends mom My best friend's mom
It was too late to leave my hiding spot know It was too late to leave my hiding spot now... Although that sounds a bit odd, since you're using past tense - was - using now doesn't seem quite right. You could do without it.
I never thought about what my shadow might be thinking or doing.
Love the title. (Reminded me of Peter Pan and Wendy, of course.) Sometimes after reading a good title and what goes with it, I like to think of other titles that might also fit. Like: Trampled Again, Always Under Foot, I'm Mocking You, The Shadow Knows.
I liked that the shadow could be a reason why one wakes. Never thought about that.
Howdy there, Tbird. It appears that you've just arrived among us and posted your first writing. As a baby boomer, I enjoyed this one. My hubby and I were just talking about skate keys the other night, and how we wore those crazy skates around everywhere.
Some suggestions:
1) There are a few places where you're missing commas. I'd go back over this, and put some in where you'd take a breath.
2) It would be easier to read with spaces between paragraphs.
I love this one Sophy. It speaks volumes in a few short words. No wonder it was one of those featured in the Romance/Love newsletter. Love your word crafting.
What a wonderful story about a wonderful dad. How blessed was this daughter to have such a dad.
A few suggestions:
I would probably change this sentence:
My mother and I were the ones that he would cook the most wonderful dinners for and adorn the table with flowers and chocolates.
You'd be the ones who, not the ones that. But I'd probably change the sentence to something like: He cooked the most wonderful dinners for my mother and me, and decorated the table with flowers and chocolates.
There's also a missing capital at the beginning of a sentence.
the car was chock full and I was ready for the two hour journey.
Thanks for sharing. And welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here.
What a fantastic idea. I've seen this title and haven't stopped to look and see what it was about. Glad I took the time now. You're so right, there is so much more to WDC than stories and poems. Thanks for a place to recognize those other things.
Welcome to Writing.com, dandelion. We're glad you're here. I noticed that this one has been rated by 3 folks, but I didn't find any reviews on the public review page. Hmmm.
I liked it, because I love stories and poems about God. And I'm always proud of those who proclaim their faith.
My only suggestion would be to read this aloud to make sure it flows properly. You rhymes are good. But as I read it aloud, I stumbled, trying to make it flow.
Wow. I'm not really sure that if I hadn't known the prompt that I would have figured this one out. Perhaps it's my age, for when I was younger this vandalizing was not the norm.
You've stated your opinion on this topic well. I did wonder, since it is an opinion piece, if you had a personal experience to share.
This type of relationship certainly has both pros and cons. Some start to have "feelings" for an online friend without even seeing a picture, so looks aren't an influence.
Still, as you point out, there are those who hide their true identities. Those persons can be dangerous.
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