I like the enthusiasm of this short story. It's like you were the tourist guide on the famed "cable car"
I like the insistent underyling tone of hope, in the shape of "calm" the mother had when the teenager contiuned on after everyone else had stepped off.
The father, on the other hand, could use some of the mother's rational demeanor. She new excatly what to do.
I liked the active voice you used to tell this story. The active voice brought your words alive and made your story engaging and entertaining.
I do have a couple of suggests if I may: "...we enter Fisherman's Warf for fun in San Francisco. " I think its safe to surmise most people know Fisherman's Warf is in San Fran. You could omit "for fun in san franc"
"Since we were always gracious hosts the" comma after the
"...towering their list of places to go and things to see was..." comma after 'see'
"Following that satisfying and tasty treat we" comma after 'treat'
"We mentioned it would not be tricky to locate her parent, as he would be the screaming..." I think tricky doesn't work in this context. Perhaps "difficult"?
Anyway...this are minor. I like this little tale of set in San Francisco. Your style of writing is fresh and concise.
Whay a tender and sad story. I think you've captured the pain and the guilt of the young girl effectively.
Her memories are at once, joyful and sorrowful. The title was excellent. Your words draw the reader in...fill us with an aching lament. You've captured the restlessness of the young boy who doesn't fully understand the gravity of the loss. It's heart wrenching.
Your words are like sharp and refined arrows that steadily, craftly weave us into the emotion of the moment, of the young girls tremendous loss, of her guilt for suggesting the donuts.
I think you are a masterful storyteller. Its very difficult to tell a story complete with beginning, middle, end, character development and profound emotion. And you did it in less than 600 words. Now that's talent!
I only have on suggestion. In the sentence: "Soon it is added to the growing pile beside him." You might consider placing a comma after soon.
I think you have the beginnings of a good story here.
I think it needs some polishing a determined rewrite. Clarence is a strong protagonist, caring and it seems to have a great rapport with the townfolks. He has an ambitious plan too.
There is certainly a lot of action. Clarence is certainly busy muttering about. The actions were like slow motion because there was a lot of repitivness in your short story, Repeating thoughts/words and actions. Its like your character was busy doing everything but nothing, limk going round in circles.
There were quite a few errors:"For several years Clarence." comma after years.
"on a Sunday evening in early Spring I..." comma after spring.
"As we left his home that evening we." comma after evening.
"...but we were all aware that there..." It seems you rely on the word 'that' a lot, While it is unavoidable at times, it can also be alike a lead weight if used in excessiveness.
"The very next day, following our visit to Clarences he drove..." comma after Clarence.
"from Paddy's he went.." comma after Paddys {no apostrophe needed with Paddys unless it Paddy's home...ect.)
"Several folks on meeting up with Clarence asked him what he was up to, in trying to fathom out his plan." This sentence is wordy and awkwardly constructed."
"their questions, as he told them in few words that he was gone fishing." This sentence is unfinished and awkward
"In the process Clarence.." comma aftere process.
"Clarence Barton would,just as he had said sit on his porch in the evening looking out over the pond just a few yards from his home, and on occasion he would fish, just for fun." This sentence is over 35 words. Its long. Its also wordy. I think this sentences could be more effective broken up into two sentences with less words.
When you write a story, its important to write it well. Make every word count. Use your words like daggers steadily drawing the reader in and forward. It also has to move a good pace and the sentences must flow. The pace and flow are interrrupted by the lack of puntuation, the wordiness and the repitivenss.
I think this story has huge potential. Its possibilites are grand. obviously you have a flair for writing. This story could be engaging. It just needs some editing and polishing.
I hope this review has been helpful, for that is my only intent. And keep in mind this is only my humble opinion.
I thought your}b} dialouge was extemely effective. You told a story, complte with beginning, end and resolution in all dialouge.
This is not a simple task. Especially to do it as efficintly and fluetly as you did. You have to craftly choose your words, words that give insight to character development, theme/plot and imagry. This takes major skill because the dialouge has to belivable.
It was believable. Your words were precise, like sharp-edge swords that steadily draw the reader in as your dialouge unfolds across the page. Excellent.
Well so much for being needed...I say, from now on when I hear those words...I will be ever-suspicious. Yeow!
Poor old fool, what she needed a man like she need that hole in her heart...she needed a good dose of self-esteem. Anyhoo enough of my opinion and back to the review...
I'd say...you are a masterful storyteller. I'll be visting your port soon to see what else I might to delight in.
I think you're off to a formdible beginning with this short story. There is good character development and a theme and plot. You've revealed a resolution to their immediant situation which is a good tag for the following chapters. Well done there.
I do have some suggestions if I may so humbly point out.
"but knowing this, never made him compliant with setteling for what his height and weight would allow."
I think the emphasis of the sentence...is lost because its a bit wordy and vague. You have a great intro sentence...why not elaborate on that thought? Perhaps: "Jerek sighed, he was a little man. Always has been, always will be. Evenso, his weight and height rarely made him compliant.
"He stood out of the stool at the bar of his favorite tavern." Maybe he stood up from the stool...
Jarek didn't like fighting but he didn't..." comma after fighting.
"He hated to kill but sometimes, it was necessary, but still, he would rather avoid it if at all possible. The later of the is sentences seems like an afterthought. To make it flow nicer, how about: He hated to kill. It was a necessity he'd rather avoid
"petite body' seems like you are describing a woamn's frame rather than a man.
"Dorn dark brown eyes.' Dorn's dark brown eyes.
"passing people by with leaving them with no more of a clue than the wisp of wind. This sentence is a bit unclear.
"after passing through several districts they..." comma after districts.
"But it was the Lord Threves who held the item the fable dragon stone." this sentence might be better served without "item" so it reads like this: "But it was Lord Threves who held the fabled dragon ston."
"legend told of the dragon stones could give its possessor dominion over dragon." A little unclear. Legend suggests the dragon stone would give its owner dominion over dragon."
"The only reason they sought it was for the price it would fetch on the black market as a rare stone. Though rare it it not one of a kind.' A bit repitive.
"They sought the rare stone for the price it would fetch on the black market. Though it was rare, its wasn't one of a kind."
"Threves could not afford take a hit.' missing to?
infromants, informants?
potrol, patrol?
"Once inside Dorn.." comma after inside.
I think this story has great possibilities. Its unique and your writing has great potential. I'd say just attend to those errors and polish up those sentences a bit and this will be a fine story.
I think this is a good beginning. I can see the beginning of story development. Ripe with characters and a 'happening setting' I think you have a way with your words that will engage and intrest the reader.
This is a bit rough-around-the-edges and a bit raw...but I can see its potential and I get a sense of your writing ability. So half the battle's been won.
Now I'd say polish up those sentences. make every word count. Use your words like daggers that steadily draw the reader in. BreaK the paragrpahs up with spaces. Indent your new paragrpahs.
"You wanna have a drink before we open?", he said breaking ..." for instance, the correct way to write
this sentence is "You wanna have a drink before we open," he said. or he questioned...
"and as usual every article of clothing he had on in perfect harmony with the next: a deep purple suit, pale violet buttonup under it and black leather shoes polished like mirrors.
"You wanna have a drink before we open?", he said breaking the seal of a brandnew bottle of 151. As he sat on a barstool his pants rose enough to reveal socks of the same pale violet"
I think its important to have description, it gives insgiht into the characters. it is easy to give too much. I think this could be less informative on his dress...and give more description of "Dezi's" It sounds like a great hangout/club. Its all about blance.
Really, other than the formatting and the punctuation I really didn't see any errors. I think this has grand potential and great possibilities. It just needs a little polishing.
After reading your short story, I wondered to myself why its received just average ratings. I thik it deserves more than a 3.5. I say this because this story was "aesthetically pleasing"
There was a tenderness and innocence about this story. it was simple and yet not simplistic.
I though you did a superb job with imagry, descriping the force of the storm and with character development for such a short stroy.
Really, thie only thing that aggravated me a bit was the format. It would greatly help the readers if you would separate your paragrpahs with a space. And all new dialouge to the "left" of the page. Otherwise, this was enjoybale.
I saw one small error: "like lightening we speeded down.." I think it would be better to write "sped"
And "as we stopped to catch our breath we heard..." comma after 'breath'.
Your ending was a bit clichish, but so what...overall I enjoyed this little gem of a story. With a little polish it could be great.
This was inventive and creative. I enjoyed it immensely. It even got a few chuickles out of me. So great job. {e;bigsmile}
I did so enjoy all the creative words you found for the abbreviations SM. And all of them were tagged with the activities of the moment. Excellent.
I particulary liked the following sentence.
"We then continue on to our local discount store. Even though it’s only the first week of November, all the toys and decorations are out for the upcoming Yuletide season. Because of this, my daughter is confused and thinks I’m Santa Mom. After the umpteenth “Not today, Honey, maybe for Christmas” she dubs me So-mean- Mom. Marching her back out to the car, I sound like Sergeant Mom."
I thought the part about the "associated with legan45 rather than legan25 was pretty creative and humourous, And so true.
This was a week in the life of a Single Mom who can, along with all the other meanings to the abbreviations SM add "short-story mom", "savvy mom" and not to omit the ever apprecaited "simply mom" this was fun to read, well written and entertaining.
I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions. You obviously have a talent for "satire-mom"
Its very refreshing that you never refered to yourself as "sad-mom"
proud member of "Invalid Item"
~write on and peace~ kjo
I think this is a sad, sweet story. You told this story effectively. Starting off with Matthew all grown and committing the crime which put him in Hamilton was a great and yet different approach.
This is a story that is, in, essence, mulit-layered. It is sad and yet sprinkled with good memories of when this battered and abused boy was young and in the safty of Amanda's home as her brother.
So much joy while he was there. And yet, the end wasn't as joyful
The layers that I was speaking of refer to the many themes in this story. Especially the abuse. In reality, it is a lesson, a brutal exposition, if you will, about the journey of one small boy who was lost in the cracks of a system.
Another theme could be this child as an example of how the environment truly is a predetermining factor in the paths we take as we grow in to adulthood.
I think your words were effective. I think this was an emotional piece mostly, well written.
I do have two small suggestions: "Without directly addressing any one directly" might want to replace one of the 'directly's
And "through his sobbing she'd..." comma after sobbing.
Hi GothPrincessAngelTenari, this is a review for "Trust"
well what a likeable vixen this character of yours is. No name, but lots of game
She is likable even though she has a lot of issues. After all don't we all want to be love? She can't help that she loves so hard they all literally fall to their demise. But she's so sweet....they are like bees to her honey. Yeow!
It was very effective stroytelling. I like how your end was really the beginning. All cyclical.
She is a quick-draw change artist..."straight from a clariol bottle!
Some of your imagery was excellent: "starting to pull back from his forehead, like a hesitant tide."
"like a flood of dirty gutter water..." wonderful!
"chipped pink polish winked from her toes..." nice!
All the while she's telling this big secret...so innocent in her demeanor...complete with twisting her fingers in her hair...she actually believes he'll love her anyway. Yeow...she's twisted. One of those characters you hate to love!
This was well written, engaging, humorous and full of quick wit with a deminsional protagonist. Well done!
There was one small sentence that confused me a bit:"Prolong the time until he was found, give her time to get away." It seems to be missing something? Could be just me.
Anyway...great story...excellent character. Underneath it all, a bit sad...as she aimlessly moves like a invisible shilouette, merely existing and missing out on love.
Hhhmn, this is an interesting piece. Obviously a parody..I take it you don't think much of the Crusies"?
That's obvious too. Yeow! Although, this was pretty funny. Completly zany and over the top and of, course, unbelievable, as was your intent.
I thought it was clever and inventive. Certainly original. Aaahh, this Curise ship and the brother Jesus Cruise...even little Kadtie. Is nothing sacred to you? Just kidding
Really, though, this story made about as much sense as the Brain Automatic Transportation unit...but hey~ it was fun.
I did however really like the "to be groovy side' gave it a pyschedylic feel...took me back to the 70's with that kind of thinking.
There were a lot of errors in this story. Some repition, awkward word choices and punctuation challenges. But obvious you are aware of the "issues" because you mentioned it in the plug line.
So I won't bother you with the trivial grammatical issues. I will say this piece could be exceptional if you'd polish up those sentences. Make every word count.
Cut some of the repitition. And scan for punctuation. it is clever. I won't say its witty, but it is zany and got a few chuckles from me.
I hope this has been helpful~
Don't get sued now~ I hope Cruise, since he's all knowing, doesn't happen upon this little gem of a parody that makes light and fun of just about everything he believes in...poetic justice? Whose the judge? Hopefully not Judy~ Aargh.
Thanks for the good clean fun! Great story. Very funny and believable. My goodness, Victoria probably was scarred for life. But hey~ who wears white jeans on a cmaping trip? yeow! I think it was a great intitation for her.
What super Uncle you are. What are you insane? five kids and a miss priss on a camping trip...of course, it would be far from perfect...but oh so much fun to read!
I pretty much laughed through the zaniness of this whole story. Thanks for sharing.
I did see a couple of spots that could benefit from a comma...the comma cozi says: "As I returned with a small cup of accelerant I..." comma after accelerant.
Gasoline...instead of kerosene, Yeow! I'm surprised the whole woods didn't go up in smoke!
"In my best Clint Eastwood stle I" comma after style.
How's those eyebrows? Well this little adventure was far from just your average night in the woods. But, if nothing else, it was served as a huge deterrent from having children and from camping.
I thought this very well written.[/b} Entertaining. It was light-hearted and humorous. Every word used was perfectly chosen like a finely sharpened stick to steadily draw the reader in to your story or ignite more than a few chuckles . No pun intended with the "stick and ignite"
Five 's for the chuckles and for making me realize I never want to go camping in white jeans with five kids or any kids and I will never put a marshmellow on a stick, ever for s'mores.
I really liked your story Gabriel. What I liked most was, it was quitky and charming.
I learned a lot in this short story about April and Aprils's family. Her mom, father and brother, Uncle Tim.. The mom chased out of the kitchen with a ladel and the constant 'take out the trash" as if its the holy graile as well as the "answer for every ailment" Excellent chatracter development without a lot of detail...just a few nuances here and there that brought your characters alive and added spice to your story.
Too, you open with finding the bottle and say its not really introspection as you watch the bottle roll in, and yet, that's is exactly what this piece becomes, introspection from the readers point-of-view. Ironic. Good job.
I like the honesty of this piece. To write about "preparing" for an evening with Ryan only to discover it wasn't a date...well, you handled it well and addded charm and wit to the situation. This story was endearing.
It was believable too. I think your traveled a bit too far off the subject of the bottle. But it was still good. I think perhaps if you peppered your quest for who are you with the philisopical aspects of the lettter in the bottle, this would be even better.
I mean...intertwine the school scene of the substitute and the question to Ryan with the question in the bottle. I think perhaps then, the reader might not feel you wandered a bit away from the theme.
Otherwise, this was very good. I enjoyed the read. It made me laugh in a very good, warm way.
I saw only one errors. "nothing but out experiences..." you meant our, I'm sure.
Otherwise, I think you are a gifted storyteller, time and work and can only make you better. This was pretty polished and though I thought you wandered a bit, I think it's deserving of
Well if the walls could talk, for sure! You stayed consistent with the Omniscient POV throughout the story. Well done. Talk about a know it all. This house, as the omniscient narrator, was in deed "all knowing"
I thought it was a creative and a introspective peice. Certainly inventive. The 'life' witin the house eventually withered, and I could sense the same from the narrator...a sort of sadness...evoked after the foreclosure and the kids moved on and the family broke up, but at the same tine, this is where I began to reallt realte to the story.
Early on, the story seemed to be lacking intimacy. I didn't relate much to the story. It was as if I was distanced from the 'life' within the house.
There were a few errors mostly punctuation:
"They hated the food there but kept going." comma after 'there'
"Something just not right about it, John would say. I think it would be good to put "John's thoughts in italics?
""when these stairs weren't in yet, John would let the girls climb up a ladder." change in tense with "when these stairs weren't in yet..."
"They loved it but it made Janice cringe..." comma after 'it'
"often on hot summer afternoons the steady..." comma after 'hot' and after 'afternoons'
"When the walls were up they" comma after 'up'
"At least once during lunch Sam...' comma after 'lunch'
"when he had asked the girls to wrap the box they had opened it gasped.' comma after 'opened' and something seems to be missing from this sentence.
This house has a personality. It's warm and inviting and 'all knowing' I think you did an excellent job with the Point of View. You remained consistent. And the house was more of a character then the residents. nice! creative!
"The few mistakes are easily addressed if you choose. And, of course, only my humble opinion.
The beginning, mid-way...I didn't connect as much as would of liked too. It seems it was just a detailed read from a log of one day to the next. after mid-way to the end...I was really connecting with the story. I was an engaged reader and your story was igniting an emotional response. Your story then, came alive for me.
The only other suggestion or comment I have...Is to help with presentation and readability, please consider places spaces between paragrpahs.
otherwise...this is a great beginning with huge potential...interesting and creative POV. Great job!
The reverence emitted from the tone of this poem for Native Americans, was profound and poingant. Your love for the tribes that were forced to 'walk the trail of tears' ignites an emotional response.
The cadence of this poem is lovely. The rythmn comes gentle in lulls and lilts like waves kissing the shores as your craftly chosen words unfold across the page. The underlying message and meaning is powerful, bittersweet. Though there is a sad and angry undertone, it is still spiced with the spirit of hope.
if only history could be rewritten? We'd be such a peace-loving and respectful nation rather than one whos many foundations were built on hate, bigotry and thirst for power. But of course, it isn't possible to go back..all we can do is go forward with lessons learned and a kinder-gentler spirit. The last two lines of this poem pretty much sumed it up for me.
"Walked that damned trail with dignity and pride
We wept for a dream destroyed"
The title is perfect by the way...but the story was so unlike anything I could of imagined. I don't know what I was expecting. Though I knew I wouldn't be disappointed for your writings/stories never disappoint, I wasn't expecting such a powerful and poingnat story such as this told around an "old codger" like Moses.
This story was like heaven as I read it. It was packed with respect and love of a man who was no more his grandfather than the man in the moon, and yet, the unwavering respect and love that emitted from this young boy turned man, was unprecedented.
I loved the POV of this story...a story within a story layered with many meanings and messages. It was brilliant really.
I think you captured the essence of the language of Moses very well and as I reading a retelling of this story flavored with Moses' words, you evoked respect from me for this fictional character and for the father and the son who were more that a 'mere step above'the community/nation for their unlikely freindship and alliance.
What an unlikely threesome! Your characterization was on Mark. This 'pull yourself up from the bootstraps', to dream and dream big and then win big and gain a slice of that "American Dream Pie" was touching and riviting. And to think, that it involved three unsuspecting characters that were in their own right, inspiring and deserving. Bravo!
I do have a few notations. Not to worry, your story was near perfection. Just a couple little thoughts as I was reading: "and Lord knows there's a tone of that crap goes on around the track these days.." Something seems unfinished to me in that sentence.
"A pathetic wretch he literally got for a ham sandwich." a suggest a comma after 'wretch'
"Mike smiled. He asked if at anytime, no matter how trivial, had any person or event become so ingrained in his mind as to sway personal philosphies or a fateful direction in life?" Technically this sentence is right on. I just wonder, its a bit high and mighty compared to the rest of the language. It sort of distances your reader a bit because its got that deep, thinking philisopical, high faluttin feel to it.
I'm wondering, since its a question to your friend...why not ask the question in dialouge? Rather then letting the narrator ask, let Mike ask Robbie in his own words. I think it would be even more profound.
I think it would be more intimate.
Also, "the most decrepit, flea-bitten old codger that no one would ever dream could impact anyone's life, much less mine..." I love the "decrepit, flea-bitten old codger" it really is endearing and perfect because the underlying tone is respectful, loving. I do question the " rest of the sentence because I think it seems a bit "arrogant." I think ' that no one would ever dream could impact anyones life' is a bit haughty. I wonder, ever? how can it be assumed that he wouldn't ever impact anyones life if he hadn't happened into Mikes? Just a thought to ponder.
Otherwise, this is an amazing story. It is tender and thought-provoking and has that 'Horatio Alger" feel to it with a touch of 'magic' from a smart old codger who never once complained though he could of complained and cried many injustices. This is a powerful, compelling story that touched my heart.
I know nothing of horses and horse race lingo but that never stopped me from being one hundred percent engage and entertained and mesmerized by this stroy and your writing. Excellent!
Brilliant and worty of more than five's if I had the power to do so .
A fantasy indeed! But this is cute. Mostly well written and fun.
I could see it as a children's book. With illustrations it would be great entertainment for children.
Haven't we all, at one time or another, made shaped of animals out of clouds. I know I have. Of course, its been years, but this little story brought me back into that fantasy world.
I did spot a few very minor errors:
"...two busy eyes monsters, and a unicorn there was a war..." comma after unicorn.
"...sweat buckets or cried." you could omit "or cried" I think its safe to assume the reders understand the meaning behind sweat buckets.
"Finally there was nothing lef of the astroid belt..." Finally, there was nothing left of the astroid belt..."
"...he stepped off of the lions back..." omit "of"
As I said, these errors as minor and don't really distract from the story.
I thought this was creative and inventive and original.
Nice job in creating fantasy and keeping the reader engaged.
Not only was your dialouge great, beleivable and engaging...but your subject was perfect. Bittersweeet.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be old and not be able to remember your own husband, daughter...ect.
It's sad and yet...the daughter tried her best to remain positive. There is a grain of hope in this story and hope, well that's always a good trait to have.
What made your dialouge so effective as a story...is I was also able to gain a lot of insight into the characters..Characterization and dialouge in less that 500. Excellent.
Why is it machines never break down when you're not using them? Why can't there be a more convenient time for them to break down, like when we had plans to rid ourselfs of them any how? Ha!
This was a light-hearted look into our obsession and frustration with machines. We love um when they're working...when want to kick and dent them when they're not. So much for man and machine. Not always man's best friend.
Roomba..I say no way...not a good idea to have something roaming the house that's smarter then me but needs to be charged by battery. Yeow!
This was well written and entertaining. The only suggestion I have...watch your formatiing...its a bit discomboddled, with sharp line breaks and space breakers.
this was an incredible tale of woe and gloom and evil. Your opening paragraph hooked me and kept me engaged and mesmerized through out its entirety.
The writing was perfection. The story horrifying and compelling at the same time.
There were layers of meanings in this short story. Layers that question or our humanity, our moral fiber our beliefs and our own regrets and guilt. It seems that your protagonist never could forgive himself for the sins/crimes he committed nor did he have any 'mustard seeds' of faith or hope.
*green*The language was georgeous. The descriptions/imagery were beautiful. Some of my Favs:
"He twitched around on his back like a dying insect, gasping" very vivid image and true to a 'bug.'
"milky color of moonstone" love the alliteration
"He could see miles of colored streetlights choked by vines of electric wire and hanging down like blossoming fruit from right-angled trees of steel and metal. The huge buildings leaned in toward him like solemn mountains with large squared-shoulders and vertical cliffs." Excellent!
"dim buttery light off the" love the 'buttery light"
Every word was craftly chosen for effect to delight or horrify us with imagery, to arouse emotion, to make a profound statement. Well done.
I say the author of this tale is a master storyteller. This is writing at its best, flawless and riviting, polished, publishable.
Aach,,mnmhmmn and Arrrrrggh. Next time I see a warning! I will take heed!
When I read your strap line...I don't know what I was expecting, but that was not it! Yuck and Oh my goodness!
I guess maybe I thought it might contain some gerbil guts...but your story content was beyond where my mind can reach. Where have I been, in the dark ages?
Anyway...your opener was shocking. And I supose that was your intent. Of course it was.
The rest, well, lets just say it was well written and I will never be able to look at a gerbil without wondering ...or, well I wont say it.
This was informative...but I could of lived the rest of my life without knowing about "it" and been ok
You are brave and couragous, and in spite of how foul the idea was...I chuckled for a sick moment.Yeow!
Well, this young man...what an imagination he has...it's a good thing he thinks he's special because if he really knew what a horror and what a pest he was...he'd be right along Mrs Mulrooney in the white van. Hee,hee. This was comical and I had a few chuckles.
Great characterization of this class clown who bleived he was everyone's favorite. Kind of puts me in the mind of Dennis the Menace. Loveable but a realy pest! You gave him such imagination and such an adventerous spirit.
It was sort of sad underneath it all...to think, even his parents are troubled by him...or his home life isn't all that sound and solid.
This was written very well. I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions.
I found this peace to be engaging and entertaining and quite enjoyable.
I'm sure this was difficult to write...because of the subject matter and because it involved family. I can't imagine your grief, saddness and anger.
It seems, through it all, there has been some healing, and some good. It seems we rise up out of horrific situations and circumsatnces thourgh close ties with family/faith and inner fortitude. The fact that you came together as a fmaily, would make your sister proud, I'm sure.
Writing is therapuetic. I hope this was theraputic for you.
It seems there is a sort of peace...in spite of the turmoil. I commend you on that, for your strength.
I do have a few suggestions, humbly speaking that is:
"as children we were..." comma after 'children'
"late one November night I was..." comma after 'night'
"everyone's spirit seemed to pick up after that, amnd all the way back to the hospital the conversation around the good times we had.." seems to be missing a word...perhaps" the conversation {centered/lingered} around the good times?
"in a situation that seemed hopeless we would..." comma after hopless.
Just a suggestion...spaces between your paragrpahs?
Thank you for sharing your story...it is bittersweet, sad and uplifiting at that same time, because you seem to have a nudging of what its like to really stop and "smell the rose' how could you not after such a horrowing experience?. I hope you are healing and that writing has given you comfort.
Well this is an intersting piece. Not sure what to make of it. There is certainly brooding going on here, some high and mighty philospoical muusings and ideas, but they border on abstraction.
Really, all I got out of this short piece was the author hates crows and crows don't much like the author." The following entence is written like the author is the "whipping post" for crow waste Yeow?Huh?
"They relieved themselves from the sky and then that afternoon it was the same."
You've got some great ideas here. Some parts that really shine with lovely word usasage. There is an air, a underlying introspection to this piece that is nice even refreshing, but its just a feeling because, frankly, I don't get it.. You've obviously have a flair but I think this needs some work.
First, as I reader...it was a but too asbract. There was nothing I could connect with.
rather then mumbo about not liking crows and their uselessness, show us way they are useless...help the reader feel it.
I did spot some errors and I have some suggestions, please keep in mind this is only my opinion. First, I would address the formatiing. Your current format makes it an extra challenge for the reader. If you put spaces between the paragrpahs this would help, but also, spaces between all puntuation and new sentences is important. Capitalize 'i' always.
"Even in those dark hours when clarity of thought flashes on and off like a glowing fish in the deep depths of my oceanic mind,in translucence and transparence,it only becomes vain mastery of my mental quest for truth."
This is long sentence. I would consider making several sentences, or at least two. It's a bit on the abstract side as well, but you have some lovely word usage...with "glowing fish in the dee[ depths of my oceanic mind" very nice.
"The next day I am yet again a drift in a sea of nihilism and confusion..."
I would punctuate this sentence like this "The next day, I am yet again adrift, in a sea of...
"events occurs" no need for both to be possessive.
either 'events occur' or 'event occurs.'
Paranoia!Is it so..." just one of the many examples of
where there is no spaces between ..."
"When the only ever get..." a bit wordy.
This isn't a short story and it isn't prose or ...not even narration. I realize you haven't catogorized it yet, and I realize its unfinished.
If you consider some of the suggestions and clear up the errors, especially the formatting, I think this will greatly help.
Its clear that you are a deep introspective thinker...that's not a bad thing. Its just that when you put your thoughts and ideas into writings and offer them for review, the reader should have a clearer idea of your meaning...this is abtract
I hope this has been helpful, for that was my only intent. I is only my humble opinion.
This is an engaging story. I thought it was original and unique. And it was certaily chilling. Yeow~
I did spot a few errors you might want to consider attending to.
"With a divorce on the horizon and two children to care for Susan was facing financial problems she not imagined having had neither job not a bank account for the twenty plus years she'd been married to Mark."
This sentence is long and awkwardly structured. It needs to be broken up with some puinctuation and I don't think all the imformation is necessay...the bank account does seem necessary.
"five years before her death Susan's grandmother..." comma after death.
"Before leaving her home forever the old..." comma after foever.
"as a child Susan's grandmother.." comma after child.
These errors are minimal and easily addressed.
I really like the plot and the forboding entity within is frightening...the voice lends to its auntenticity and its creepiness. Excellent job there.
"Smiling I wipe my lips with the back of my sleeve and lick my lips." You might consider the repition of 'lips' in this sentence...though I found the lick my lips quite effective. Yeow!
I was sad to see Susan go...perhaps. you could resurect her...allow her to be immune because she's her granmother's daughter and everytime she sells it ...it feeds and she inherits it back? That would be my only suggestion...I was only confused as to what it feeds on...it the soul? for the body remains...
anyway...the voice was dark and creepy...great idea..nice use of weaving the suspense throughout the story...this just needs a little polishing so it can shine. well done.
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