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476
476
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi askpaddy, this is a review for "Sorry Just Isn’t Good Enough." Open in new Window..

Good job of setting up the scene. It seemed real and tender, intimate. But of course, it was play...I like the "layers" of scenes and meanings and layers of a story within a story. excellent job there.

Good character development. Yeow, wouldn't want to mess with Janet.*Bigsmile*I got a great chuckle from the scene...the culprit? only garlic. Lol! it's going to be the "death' of Ken as a banker and as actor if he eats garlic again before the next performance.

I thought this little drama within the drama was well done. I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions. Your ability at "layering" is masterful , exceptional, well done. Good title too.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

Proud member of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
477
477
Review of A Real Hero  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi E E Coder, this is a review for "A Real Hero" Open in new Window.

You know what I liked about the story? The calming tone even though there was craziness all around. I like that way the fireman kept his cool and tried to make-light of the situation eventhough it was a crisis.

You style of writing is "refreshing."

For such a small story, great character development...as a reader, I learned a lot about Billy and Chris...and she does have that "something" the fireman saw...

overall, nice story, great pace and flow. Intriquing characters. It's believable and charming and witty.

I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

Prous Member of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
478
478
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi tHiNg, this is a review for "Reflection of the Night" Open in new Window..

I think this a thought-provoking and a tender story. It reveals and teached tolererance at the most basic level.

It's very short but in that one small instance in time,perhaps a young boy learns to trust a bit more and perhaps he learns, not all Westerners despise him or look at him with suspicion laced eyes. And a women learns that tolerance and emphathy really can squash ignorance and fear, and she finds a warming peace knowing one small gesture can have a a huge impact on self which ultimately spills outward.

I did spot one area which could benefit from a comma.
"Later, I recalled to vivid memory, his...

Minor really, but though you might want to know.

Again, I think this is an important story. Eventhough the story itself is "small" the mesage speaks volumes.

~write on and peace~kjo *Flower3*

Proud Member of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
479
479
Review of Melody Of Words  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi VampiressBunni, this is a review of
"Melody Of Words" Open in new Window.

Hey~ I hope you find this review helpful, keep in mind it is my opinion only, in that light, take what you you find useful if anything.

I like where this story is going. You show a lot of potential as a writer. I think your style has a "fresh quality' to it and this idea, while not original, you approach it uniquely. However, I think you need to do some basic reviews of grammar. This isn't a criticism, so please don't take it as one. There were quite a few errors, misspelling, wrong word choice, punctuation issues and change in pov.

Here's some of what I found. Formatting is part of story presentation. Your line-breaks are a bit jarring, giving the read a choppy flow. Often, there was one or two words on a line and then a new line...so I would consider fixing your format.

Also: There was a wrong word choice in this sentence: "The only reason she was even excepted into Twain...} do you mean "accepted" also you used accepted in the following sentence "earned her acceptance" and then in the one there after " that meant nothing less was acceptable." Perhaps look for a different word for 'accepted" so it's not repitive.

"Raven haired..." its probably okay to not cap and just have "raven-haired"
"changed a bit during over summer..." during or over?


"covered at every free inch of band logo buttons." It might be better written "Her backpack was completly covered with band logo buttons."

"even after four years of having the same English classes together the two..." comma after 'together'

"of course she decided to rebel against the uniform this new year just like all their previous ones." Perhaps. Of course she decided to rebel against the uniform codes just as she'd done all the years peviously?

"sounds good too me." to

"about paying for collage.' college

"to guilty to accept..." too guilty to accecpt.

In this sentence, a shift in POV "After her parents died, they left..."

god, "God

Just a thought to ponder...earlier you mentioned Stephanie was a friend of your mothers staying in contact well into their thirties, yet here she says" "I'm twenty-eight."

I think your style is fresh. I think this has potential. I think your character development and plot are off to a good start. Madison has been through a lot and she seems like a strong, determined young woman. That's great. Just work on a few of those issues I mentioned if you choose.

Once you polish up those few rough spots, this piece can shine like it should. I hope this has been helpful

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

Proud member of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
480
480
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi paigeturner, this is a review for"A Busy Day in Bailey's Corners" Open in new Window..

What a tender story. Your characterization was excellent. I could vision MaryBelle in my mind as she considered her thoughts, ppondering...looking out toward the great oak tree.

I thoroughly enjoyed all the liitle "happenings and nuances" Marybelle shared with Cal as she was writing...the head in the privy and the chicks in the bed. Very "everyday-like" and genuinly real .

Of course this is sad...heart-wrenching. For her to continue writing letters to her dead solider husband.
Excellent descriptions, beautiful story. Poignant and profound.

I found absolutely no errors and I certainly have no suggestions that could possible improve this gem of a story. Emotional and bittersweet.

~write on and peace~kjo*Flower3*

Proud member of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
481
481
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi kazwriter, this is a review for "Graveyard Girl_Chapter 1" Open in new Window..

Plot wise, I think this is coming along fine. it seems you have a great handle of twists and suspense. That's great. Good characterization of the sober girl, of the Reginald Black and even Mrs. Evans...however, Detective Morris...well it seems we know little. I don't know if Morris is male of female...I assume he's a man. But, some more development of the detective is needed. What we do know is the detective's penchant for whiskey.

I did spot a few errors along the read but before I get to them, this is just a note to ponder...all the interjection of the thoughts in brackets were jarring [follow on], [possible revision]
[research]...I didn't find it was necessary for the brackets. Also, I think if you put the detective inner musings or thoughts in italics it would greatly help as well.


"In this quiet uneventful little town, there are hardly even any real cases to solve, there is hardly even much reason for unease." There are several things wrong in that sentence. First a verb shift from "was to is." Second, its a bit wordy, and repititive. You mentioned the quiet uneventful towen earlier on. So its not necessary to say it again, or find a different way to say it. and the "hardly even much" is wordy.

"Yet by lunch I" comma after lunnch

"Back at my pokey lillt apartment that night I had." comma after night. And futher down...you said pokey apartment.

"At the end of the evening I did..." comma after evening.

"I know a bunch of weird Satanistsh when I shee them." I don't know if this was intentional? to show the sluring of words from the poilecman. But it was a bit odd.

you show some very strong abilities with plot and with suspense. You keep your reader engaged. That's great. The story is coming along good. I'm intriqued. I feel you need to develop Detective Morris more. There were a few errors to attend to but otherwise...this has grand potential. And i like where its going!

I hope this has been helpful.

~write on and peace~kjo *Flower3*

Proud member of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
482
482
Review of Visit First  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
{c:orange)Hi Jebo, This is a review for "Visit First" Open in new Window..

I like the idea of this story. Your charaization is off to a good start with such a short piece.
You can't go wrong with a story that pulsates with sibling rivalery, especially when it involves another deminsion full of odd creatures.

Your odd creatures and the tenseness and disdain between the brothers, Is what I find most intriquing.

But I do have a few suggestions. These are only my opinions, so do with that what you want.

First. I didn't think it was believable that Aaron would travel so far for a few minutes and one glass of wine. It was even mentioned that the trip was painful.

Second:(b} there were a few sentence issues. Nothing major.
"Finally we landed and my captain told me that the eastern gate would open in a minute." I think this sentence could cut a bit. Its wordy. Perhaps: Finally we landed, my captain said the estern gate would open in a minute" (momentarily)

need a comma after soliders "turning to my soliders,

"There was an open bottle of wine, with cheese cooling next to it. The aroma of wine was agressively acidic, based only by the bitter bite of the cheese upon the wind/" "agressively acid and bitter bite" nice use of alliteration. *Wink* The cheese cooling next to it seemed a bit strange to me. Makes it sound like it on ice or in a fridge.

"My mouth and gums were tingling from the astringent aroma" do you mean astringent flavor?

"Moving over to where he now stood up I embraced him..." comma after "up"

"finale" do you mean final?

I think you are off to a great start. It needs a little polishing so it can shine brighter. But you do have some very inventive creatures and I say...build on that and the polite disdain between the brothers.

I hope this has been helpful.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

Proud member of {item:1280368)
483
483
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi vw this is a review for "The Orange Changed my Life" Open in new Window.

I know that pain. I was painfully shy when I was in school. I was self conscious about everything and thought for sure everyone was staring at me and making fun of me. So, I know that pain.

The good news...is that I grew out of it. But, like the character in this story, I experimented with smoking thinking it would make me "cool"*clool*What a falacy that is!

There is much to be said about the topic of your story. It is universal and kids throughout the world can relate. It is timeless as well. Now? I say...if kids can survive the antics of school, they can survive anything! *Bigsmile*

There are some issues with you story. Many punctuation issues. Generally, ...elipsies are usually just three ...

Also "one through 8" should be 'one through eight."

There was also some repitiveness: "because I was new....because I was wearing a skirt....becuase i was new....for some reason I knew that orange was meant for me." Try this perhaps? "That orange was meant for me. I know it was. I'm sure it's because I was new and because I was wearing a skirt."

"And I should have guess two of those that must have had to stay late for misbehavingg..." this sentence is unclear to me. and guess should be guessed in the above tense.

In the opening paragrpah...may I make a suggestion? Try putting your parents words in italics like this Children are to be seen not heard. If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. Mind your own business. Speak when you are spoken too and on and on and on."

Also...it would greatly help if you would but spaces between your paragrpahs *Wink*

I hope this has been helpful

I think you have a story with grand potential. It just needs a little tweaking. There is an important message to be told.

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

Proud member of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
484
484
Rated: E | (5.0)
(b}(c:green} Hi Shannon, this is a review for (item:1211277}
*Star*Hey, this is pretty cute. I sense the loads of fun you're trying to have with the idea of being invisible.

*Star*nice rythmn and tone to the piece...the rhmes are natural and come easily delivery almost a sing-song appeal. No too much...a great balance

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*5 stars for you for your quick wit and the humor in the poem

However, though this is light-hearted and bent at poking a little fun..your tag says a poem for little ones...but It sounds rather for a poem bent at rattling grown children for the pranks and mischcief they put their parents through.

Either way...it was a good read, excellently presented and error free...yipee. (e:biglaugh}

Thanks for the chuckles

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*

Member of the Women's Fiction Writers Group "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
485
485
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi loveledevine this is a review for
"The Darkest Twilight" Open in new Window.

welcome to writing.com. I hope you find this review helpful. If I can assist you with tips to navigate the sight feel free to ask through e-mail.

Wow, what a commission for Ameria. It seems her life is about to change. I think you've got the beginings of a good story here but it needs some work, editing, rewritng, punctuation scanning and formatting.

First and formost, what I noticed over everything else..was the formatting challenges you seem to be having. Your text nearly spreads across the entire computer screen. And I'm not sure why or how to help.Did you copy and paste from a word processor? Did you check the little box on the static item page before you submitted so that the text wraps properly?

It makes it very difficult to read. The words overwhelm the reader's eyes. Also, you should scan for punctuation. Generally, puncuation goes immediatly after the word. But I saw many instances where the periods or commas were like this .A instead of this.

Also, if you seperate your prargraphs with spaces this will help in presentation and be easier on the reader, Try spaces between each new person speaking as well.

A couple of times "Ameria" became "America"

"The end is and a great warrior" seems to be missing something.

"He smiled a mile a minute." seems rather odd to me. First its sort of a cliche.

"Me baby, what done happen to her?" I don't know this language. I'm trying to understand, I know its really early English/Scottish/Irish? to have Kings and all.
But your dialouge didn't seem real to me. It was kind of like bad grammar.

*Star* I think you are on the wway to developing a great story here. I like the concept. Right now its its raw and needs some work.*Delight*

*Star* This has grand potential. Work on some of the issues I mentioned above, so this piece can shine how you meant for it to shine. *Cool*

But don't get discouraged by the lower rating...

~write on and peace~ kjo*Flower3*
Member of Women's Fiction Writers Group "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
486
486
Review of A KISS FROM ALEX  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi DRSmith, this is a review for A Kiss From Alex (item:1275157}


*Star*My initial response to this story was how appealing and pleasing it was. The over all tone of this story was in perfct harmony with the well crafted words you chose to tell your story.

*Star* There was present in this story an aesthetic quality rich and ladened with emotion, deep and resounding with the sort of poingancy that comes with graceful writing.

Without a doubt, your readers grasp the knowdege you know precisely how to weave a story, how to iginte emotion thus instilling a deepand resounding satisfaction. There is balance and harmony in your sentences, in your words and in your story telling.

I did have some difficulty getting past the last sentence of the opening paragrpah. I spent too much time analyzing it. I'm still not completely sure, what it is that jarred me but I've been wrestling with it.

"She’s relaxed, and in a complacent mood pleased that Butch relished his favorite meal as a loving gesture to cheer her husband up since mourning the loss of his lifelong friend a week ago." For one, it is a long sentence with only one punctuation break so it reads rushed and breathy towards the end. Perhaps it would help to break this sentence up.

But also, its confusion lies in the phrase: "as a loving gesture to cheer her husband up since mourning the loss of a lifelong friend a week ago." This sentence can't stand alone because its fragmented but it seems too long to attach it to the previous. So, the answer? Well I'm no help. lol! I'm just confusing myself here. And it could just be me. But I feel its not quite right.

"The warm evening air was embracing and noted how especially sharp the cystalline sky was tonight." Asesthically beautiful. Lavising in words that drip with emotion but I was a bit confused because I wondered, who "noted how especially sharp the cystalline air was...was it the warm evening or Anita? just needs a little claifying.

"menagerie of emotions" I do so love the word "menagerie" there is something so lovely about it...but I don't know if its the right word choice...menagerie is a collection of zoo animals...I tried using it a few times myself...and each time I was reminded that menagerie is a 'collection of zoo" animals. Just a thought to ponder.

*Star* Your language is masterful. I was lulled into your abiltity to weave a story. Then at just the right moment you revealed the theme detailed it with just enough emotion and imagery to keep us in suspense. very masterful.

*Star* too, the overall tone and quaility of this story was haunting and captivating written gracefully and with ardet intensity.

The fact that I got stumped on a sentence is not the fault of the author's so much as mine. I just tried analyzing too much.

*Star* The ending was the magnificent. The wondering, the suspecting the imaging. It left me breathless.

I hope this has been useful

~peace and write on~kjo*Flower3*
member of the Women's Fiction Writers Group "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
487
487
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Smee, this is areview for It's A Man's World

Well, you cetainly did create a man's world. Wow. I think this should be read to James Brown singing It's a Man's World he really has a song by that title. *Bigsmile*

Seriously though, I liked this story. It was oddly beautifully, crazy and creative. I think you did a superb job of desensitizing the "mantra's of the training" And the introduction to "her" was quite shocking but captivating. The tone changed immediantly.

There were a few puntuation errors. Simple, minor things:
*Bullet* "on my meds history I was..." comma after history.

*Bullet*"Of course we were..." comma after course.

*Bullet* But staring at her on the floor naked I could..." comma after naked

*Bullet*So often now I find myself.." comma after now.

*Bullet*Even after my revitalization I feel." comma after revitalization


*Note4* The only question I have is, I was a bit confused to the "crime" committed by Her. Was it not taking the meds? Did not aking the meds make him a her? Otherwise, I throughly enjoyed this strange but wonderful story.

*Star*Exellent charaterization. Great job as displaying the mechanical tone of the moral conduct and the mantra of the leader. I could sense the change when "her" came in to the story. Excellent. This was indeed a man's world. Thank goodness its only a figment of your imagaination! *Bigsmile*
Because it can give the heebie jeebies. Yeow! *Laugh*

I would of liked to give this 5*Star* based on its creativeness and content and how well it was delivered,but I'd like to see you address the confusion (unless it was just my confusion,which is possible) and the mistakes.

I hope this has been helpful.

~peace and write on~kjo *Flower3*
member of the Women's Fiction Writers Group "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
488
488
Review of Ashtray  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
(b} Hi calean, this is a review for Ashtray

You have certainly painted a daunting portrait of Jane's home life. It is a sad, sad environment for any child... for the parent as well.

I like the fact you took a handmade ashtray and built a brutal exposition around it.

However, there were a lot of issues with sentence structure, tense, punctuation and the overuse of words such as "had' "that", this was still a powerful and poignant story.

I would concentrate on cleaning up the erros, for example: "What she had had to eat for dinner the night before." You could say Ms. Blakely ofter asked Jane what she'd eaten the night before."

"When she was asked about the needle Jane just said that her mommy was sick, and that her medicine made her sleepy. That was the day that Ms. Blakely called social services."

Here you could write "When asked about the needle, Jane would say her mommy was sick and her medicine made her sleepy. Ms. Blakely wasted no time calling social services." Something to that effect.

Sometimes had and that add little to a sentence. I noticed a lot of "had become" "had been" had one" "had obviously" and then the word 'that' was used a lot. Sometimes its necessary, often times its just a lazy word and a filler.

Too, there were few punctuation errors: Normally, often times, When she asked about the needle, Jane..."

*Star*You have an emotionally packed story here.

*Star* You've painted a horrowing portrait of one little girls home and of the mother.

For it to be the best you intented it to be, there is some rewiting and editing required.

I hope this has been helpful

~peace and write on~kjo*Flower3*
proud member of women's fiction writers group "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
489
489
Review of Driftwood  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Radio Shea, this is a review for Driftwood Well thank goodness for Shadow...because suicide, well it wouldn't of fit with this story or with the character. I mean, obviously the deep loneliness and the grief over losing a husband is a lot for the widow to contend with, but in this story, with this character and this theme, wouldn't of been appropriate. The troubling, deep turmoil and depression that one would have to be batteling is a missing element here. So, I say it again, bravo for Shadow.

There were a few grammar issues with your short story that held it back a bit. this is what i found in the course of my review:

I feel it's ready to cave me under its beams during a good wind." I know what you are trying to say, it just needs polishing because its a bit awkwad in its word choices. Perhaps: I feel it's ready to bury me under its beams with a good wind storm? Or I feel its ready to cave in and bury me under its beams during a good wind storm?

"I know you'll say I just never noticed the noises before, as Henry did like his television on a good portion of the day after he retired.' This sentences is structured awkwardly and is vague.

To really poilsh this consider omitting a few unnecessary words: "But then they were gone too, just like my henery was." You could strength its meaning by omitting "was, too." "But then they were gone, just like my Henry."

Of course these are just my suggestions. I think this could be a powerful study of overcoming grief and depression. I think its almost there. it just needs a little tweaking. The title is intriquing by the way.

I hope this has been helpful.

~peace and write on~ Kjo*Flower3*
490
490
Rated: E | (4.5)
hey Cypress, and therin lies the "delemia."? Your essays, are layered in truths, layer after layer, like a onion skin, but not as pungent...and your truth won't make you cry. However, your truth will make you laugh.

And that is a beautiful "ability" to possess. It's as if, you smack someone over the head with the truth, and you know you've been "smacked" with something powerful but it doesn't ring true until after all the chuckles have subsided.

So, the "delemia" is not really a delemia, but rahter an assest that used properly with good intentions, hits its target with the precision of a marksman. You words are like a marksman. The truth is served with laughter.

Did you get anything out of my thoughts on this? Sorry, it was what came to mind as I read this.

Oh, and address that comma error "After I stopped laughing..." comma after "laughing"
491
491
Review of The Crossroad  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi ROOKIEWRITER, Welcome and I see this is a relatively new posting for you. I hope this review for The Crossroad will be useful to you.

I think you have summed up what reaching a "crossroad means" to older women. I certainly understand where you are coming from. Many of those same questions, i've asked my self. I sense the inner conflict so you were successful there. And you reached resolutuon with an end, so that is good.

Where I got a bit lost was with the passive voice and change in tense and the repitive use of thoughts and common words such as "had" "that."

By all means, this doesn't mean you weren't effective, it just means I think in some areas you could be more Active in your voice and word choices. There were some punctuation issues and some shifts in tense as well.

These are easily addressed if you so choose. The active voice will help you deliver more effectiveness to the meanings of your words and will add more punch to the voice. It seems a bit too dreamy, and mellowdramatic right now.

Don't get discouraged, you are off to a great start and this has potential. *Wink*

In the second to third sentence of the first paragraph "mundane" and "routine" pretty much say the same thing...so you are repeating thoughts. I though "discusting" marks was a very harsh word for such and overall "dreamy musing" piece. So if you like that word, you should toughen up some of your other word choices.

"backwards to get my bearings back..." you might want to consider finding a different word for 'back' since you say it with "backward"

You use the word 'that' a lot sometimes more than once in a sentence. Often times, "that' is just 'filler' a lazy word offering little to help our sentences come alive. Sometimes it is unavoidable. A good rule of thumb is too read your sentences out loud.

"I can't go backwards, but I can move forward, there is still time." "their is still time" is a complete sentence, so you have a little comma splice a.k.a runon. Try replacing the comma after "forward" with a period and beginning a new sentence with "their." And I think you meant there?

"I can walk and run, I still have some attractive features that the evil, devil "father time" has not grabbed hold of yet." There is a couple things wrong with this sentence. First, its two full sentences attached by a comma (need a period to replace the comma} And it is wordy. Perhaps something like this: I'm grateful I can walk and run and I'm still attractive. "Father time" hasn't stolen all my good features with his evil intentions." Well, you get my point. Give youd sentences life and color. Active voice always help

"Stay where I am with my rut, where I feel secure..." Watch the repitiveness with "where"

"revealing the warmth of laughter that the tiny lines in the corners of my eyes reveal..." in the first paragrpah you refered to your lines as discusting...so this seems a contradiction. omit "that"

"The ring, in my jewelery box, from a man who had been bewitched by my laugh, had desired me more that anything he had ever yearned for?" A little wordy and passive here with the 'hads" Try : The ring in my jewlery box is from a man bewitched with my laugh, who desired me more than anything ever yearned for." (just a questions, why the jewelry in the box)

"Do I leave the chase unknown, which may put more tragedy and pain into a life that no longer deserves it, a life that has walked holding hands with tragedy and needs not risk new trauma." Again, a bit wordy here and passive and sort of weighed down by a melodramtic tone. try: I question whether I'm ready to take a chance. I fear the unknown because I've experienced tragedies; in fact, I have held hands with tragedy, so the risks hold me back." In cases like this, its okay to repeat certain words for emphasis.


I think you have a good beginning here. This 'reflection' has grand potential. it just needs a little polishing. I hope this has been useful. So don't get discouraged by the lower rating.

~peace and write on~ Kjo *Flower3*
492
492
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Countrymom, this is a review for Defending the USA

When writing this, it stands to reason, you were more than likely, sitting down, and yet, in reading this, I see you standing with the flag raised with a look of glory and honor spread across your face and a pride deep in your heart and soul.

This is a profound tribute to America, its Flag, its Countrymen and its Military. I find it deeply affecting and resounding with the joys as well as the woes. We are not a perfect Nation and yet, we have perfect intentions. And this comes through clearly in your poem.

Every word you used is cleverly chosen to ignite emotion and to edify the strengths of our country and exalt its glory. You defend with unwavering certainty what USA is to you and what it should be for all citizens. It is a proclaimation that is emtional and yet based on fact. No hearsay resides in this poem.

I think it is a heart-rendering and poignant
affirmation to your love of this country. Pride pulsates thoroughout your poem like a badge using precise words that beat with you heart, with each breath, a cadence, in your heart which resides in the USA. Well done.

~peace and write on~kjo*Flower3*
493
493
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi CyntaSez, this is a review for A Sonnet For A Five String Instrument

This is a strange yet wonderful sonnet, strange because the words seem as though they are addressing people and yet, they are really referring to intruments. It's inventive and creative and oddly beautiful.


Your rhyme is unique. It isn't forced and yet it is unusal "like blessed with silver spoon
and mingle with rich boon"

What I like about it is the fact it's not conventional.

You words aren't poignant and profound and yet, they are still affecting. They are crafty and clever.

This particular line is unclear to me...it's the "jusy" that seems like an error to me.

"To me empty wit are jusy masks hiding"

And the last word of the last line...seems out of place...a forced rhyme trying to match with "weep" Just an observation, not a critique.

I think this is a good example of a sonnet for the first try out. It's unique and unconventional but that means its creative and clever.

I think this could be better with a little polishing. I would even consider making your sonnet true to sonnet form with three stanzas of four lines each and the last two lines a couplet.


I hope this has been helpful

~peace and write on~ kjo*Flower3*
494
494
Rated: E | (4.5)
After the quirky yet delightful response to my review...I had to read some more from your portfolio. And all I've got to say...where have you been and what took you so long to come back, Herky? *Bigsmile*

This was a wonderful introduction to the "Cypress Creek Kid's Essays." It was expressive,light-hearted inventive and full of wit and whimsy, {wangle that around your tongue}!

Very creative terms, fun and intriguing. I'll be back to read more soon.

Excellent, Author's introduction *Bigsmile*

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
495
495
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Steven Michael Jester, This is a review for Tale of a Fated Winter's Day Giesi-P

Wow, what an undertaking this is. There is so much about this Prolouge that has impressed me . God, herself, as a woman, and besides being powerful, she doesn't seem to be very merciful.
Just that alone, has intriqued me. This proluge to your story, has grand potential, but there were also many mistakes and I was left with many questions.

First let me address some of the questions I had as I was reading. Many red flags waved me away from the flow of this prolouge be cause of all the phrases in Capital leters. When ever I saw one, and there were many, I felt like I was suppose to know their meaning and their significance.

What I'm alluding to is, perhaps, rather then put them in Caps, perhaps you can highlight them with italics If you are unsure how to do that just go to Site Navigations, left side, click on site tools and then on Writing ML tags, and then on "basic tags". This will give you intructions for italics.for all the Material Plane, Seven Seal, End of Day, A New Tired, Angel of Fate, Mortal Plane, The Tide, War-Bringer, White of the Servants, Fallen, Into the Darkness, Back from the Light, MultiVerse ect.

I understand the purpose of Capitalizing God, Her and anything that refers to Her as supreme a being, but all the others were a bit disconcerting.

"If the balance is disrupted the consequences could eradicate existence." (Some excellent word usage, by the way). Comma is needed after disrupted

"God creates the Multiverse and therefore is responsible to..." "God creates the Multiverse, and therefore, is responsible for maintaining the existance of his creation."

"...words of foreign tongue to you they may be but they are Into the Darkness and Back from the Light..."
"words of foreign tongue to you they may be, but

"his flowing hair set in broad contrast to his angular face.' I was a bit confused with this image.


"Hair the color of platinum, he strode evenly towards the alter." I love the flowing platinum hair, but it has little do do with toward (no s} the alter.

"Even if God, omnipotent and omniscient as she is, is bound by prophecy to act in this accord this means even She doesn't have the free will required to escape fate." There were a few issues with this sentence. I think its safe to assume, readers know God is omini...everything, so you could omit those words, and write: Even God is bound by prophecy, which means She doesn't have the free will to escape fate."

Sometimes keeping it simple is okay.

Ailana breathed a short sigh, "I hope then that what I saw comes to past in a good light." "Ailana breathed a short sigh. "I hope then, what I saw, comes to past in a good light."

"I would'nt be so quick to know seeing as though it concerns you." This sentence is a little unclear.

"Both men wore their hair shoulder length the angel taking his into a ponytail." This is actually two sentences. Period after length. Start a new sentence with The

"The bearded man and woman of devine both wore regal..." comma after devine."

"She drew from nowhere a sword..." nowhere, two words, comma after where

"Your thinking I was powerless against an angel of my design was what caused this turn." This doesn't sound like the speech of God. Try an active more commanding voice with stronger words.

"Jaisa sadistic glee." This creeped me out. God and sadistic, Yeow... but if that was your intent, its fine, just a thought to ponder.

As prolouges go...this is very long. However, I really liked much of this. Your language and the tone and excellent character development, though, I don't think we need so much in a prolouge. I get the feeling something wonderfully dreadful is about to happen. I am intrigued by all the phrases even though they interrupted the flow and challenged my intelligence *Bigsmile*

I am impressed with your knowledge and much of your word usage. I am really enthused by Rathiel, I like his character already, he is bold and wise and yet a bit too wise for his own good. This has excellent and grand potential. I will be reading the following chapters. *Bigsmile*

I hope this has been helpful.
Though there were a lot of mistakes, I'm giving it four *stars* because of its inventiveness, its intrique and its implications.

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
496
496
Review of Introduction  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Smee, This is a review for (i} The Introduction

For me, your introduction is missing some vital information. What struck me or, shocked me was the wordMagic seem to come out of no where. When I read this sentence: "The magic that followed would vary." It was a bit disconcerting because, My first impression was, what the heck is magical about war?.

You might want to consider setting the ensuing battle up with a little narration, history or background. So the reader isn't left to assume something different then what you intended.

There were a few punctuation errors.

*Check5*If only there was a way to dent their numbers they might be forced into making a mistake."
This is actually two full sentences. A period after numbers and begin a new sentence with they.

*Check3*" The lieutenant rifled through some papers, plucked out an omiously large section and scanned it quickly." Need a comma after section."

*Check5*"Nothing he had tried had managed to injure one of the images." a bit weighed down by had It might read better like this "Nothing he tried managed to injure one of the images."

*Star* The battle with "magical forces" has piqued my interest. And so you did accomplished part of what you intended in "The Introduction" However, the one sentence I mentioned earlier made it seem like you were refering to the magic of war rather than your foe or the enemy you were fighting.

I think once you clear the confusion up, and attend to the few errors, the "Introduction" to your story will leave fewer questions in the reader's mind.

*Star* I do see the beginning of a theme unfolding, a plot. You have some wonderful dialouge and the setting is pictured in my mind. And some great word usage. So well done there.

*Star* I'll leave you with this one thought to ponder. In my mind, when I think of an introduction, I think background, history, a bare explanation of just enough information. There is a balance to consider. However, your introduction reads more like the intoduction of a first chapter.

I Hope this has been helpful I look forward to reading on.

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
497
497
Rated: E | (4.5)
the winklett has writing work, this is a review for Vaccuming In The Dark

*Note1* This is a light-hearted, easy to read and entertaining short story.

*Note4* It unfolded at a nice pace with wit and whimsy.

*Note1*Great active voice and precise word usage for the pennacle effect.

*Star*Excellently Written. I have only one Suggestion. A comma perhaps, after the day in the following sentence. "To this day I can make..."

*Star*I know that dance. I've done it a few times myself. *Bigsmile* On and Off. The light switch goes up and then down. During the day, I like Natural light, at night, I like dim light or candlelight. So, I know that dance too.

*Star* This was an delightful read. Thanks for the chuckles.*Delight*

family and friends say to me , girl it's not natural to like the dark...I always respond, what I see in the bright light of day, scares me more than shilouettes and shadows cast by the dusk of night. That's my story and Im sticking to it. *Laugh*

Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed it immensely.


~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
498
498
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Arwachan, This is a review for But Then He Was Gone

Your story has potential. The theme/plot is good. You've got the material but it needs rewritting and polishing.

*Star* The character in your short in intriguing, and I realize the setting is aMental Hospital , evenstill, much of the plot didn't make sense to me. *Confused*

*Note4*Contents/Mechanics/Errors*Note4*

*Bullet* This is a short story of many contradictions. And In this, lies most of the issues with your story.

*Bullet*It's just not believable even though she is a menatal patient. Too many inconsistencies igniting manyunaswered questions.

*Bullet*You wrote "...lay down under a tree" This begins the contradictions because if she is laying down how was she able to see so much around her? If this was all imaginary visions and thoughts racing through her mind It would be believable. But you didn't make that clear.

*Bullet*"flat grass was nice and warm...the grass felt fresh and wet." Here again, a contradiction it seems, I can't picture grass being warm and wet unless it had just stopped raining hot water. *Bigsmile* Wouldn't that be sweet?

*Bullet*"Hair felt nice and soft but cold as ice." These images are a contradiction in my mind. "Nice and soft," I think plush, ice is cold and solid. Unless she had on an helmet *Laugh*

*Bullet* "you spoted a man by the bridge" "I knew I was blushing, so I giggled. His far-fetched smile made me feel as though I have known..." If you were lying down, how did you see him smile from a distance? How did you see his "beautiful face" and how did you accomplish "starring deeply into those incredible eyes?" from a lying down position at a distance? I'm sorry, but its inconceivable to me unless all this is happening in her own mind But you need to let the reader know. *Bigsmile*
*Bullet* "but bang! I felt something large forcing me to the ground." If I was hit by a truck, I'd feel more than a bang. Need emotion here. need imagery here. Help it come alive for the reader. *Smile*

*Bullet*"I realized that some cold, red liquid increased faster than anything around my body." blood I'm assuming? This is a bit unclear. How did it increase? Was it gusing? was it seeping? was it a red river of blood oozing? Claify. and again, imagery, emotion, action. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* "all with a somehow similar expression to which of the driver's" One driver as portrayed earlier or more? And this sentence is a bit mucked up. It's grammatically incorrect. It's incomplete.

*Bullet* "I stared at it ignoring the fact that my life had come to an end. My heart was beating so fast a couple of minutes ago but now it had stopped." This is a bit far-fetched A contradiction because your life came to an end and yet, you stared at it?

*Star* I get the impression that you meant all of this to happen in her mind...a vision, a dream...{b] it would certainly make more sense, if it were a dream. There is grand potential with this short. But, as it stands now, there are too inconsistencies and contradictions . Your story needs polishing and a little rewritting.

*Bullet* there were a few punctuation errors too, but I didn't mention them, because by now, I'm sure you'd rather me just go away.*Bigsmile* Really
though, you're off to a good start. I don't mean to be critical or harsh, just helpful.

*Star* There is an innocence and sweetness to you character. I like that! She is scattered, and its endearing. Build on that. It'll be easy to make this a dream, if that was your intention. *Delight*

I hope this has been helpful

~write on and peace~kjo *Flower3*
499
499
Review of A Deadly Passion  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi silent thinker This is a review for Deadly Passions

*Note1* What I like *Note1*

*Bullet*The Strength of Jennifer and her wisdom beyond her years. Her refusal to marry Kevin and pursue her career probably saved her life.

*Bullet* I like the fact that Kevin's evil ways weren't revealed until necessary. I got the feeling the man was fine too I want to enjoy his "fineness" as long as I could. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet* This story has potential. It just needs a bit of polishing so it can shine

*Note4* Errors and Suggestions *Note4*

"while at the movies one weekend Kevin" comma after weekend

"why we just get married." missing a word

"burgundy Cadilliac Escalade truck." wow! this is an example of too much description. *Bigsmile* You could delet truck .

"Upon arriving downtown she sat." comma after downtown

"but to her he was still fine." comma after her

"ran in the den towards Kevin Just..." period between Kevin and Just.

"Her Tears were for the life with him that she was happy she never had." Your final sentence needs to be stronger. It's a bit wordy.

*Star* You've spaned many years in this short story and that's good. The transitions just need to be cleared up a bit. Polish your sentences and the mechanics of writing. And this story will shine. It has grand potential and a lot of appeal.

*Star* you had pretty decent character development but your descriptions were a bit ordinary...help their personalitites and features come alive in our mind with stronger imagry in active voice.

~write on and peace~ Kjo *Flower3*
500
500
Review of Rockabee  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Basilides, this is a review for Rockabee

*Note1* What I liked and Overall Comments *Note1*

*Star* A tale within a tale {/b{ very nicely done.

*Star* Whimsical and creative. Very inventive and original

*Star* Excellent imagery and descriptiveness.

*Star*Anengaging and compellingread.

*Star* the streams of consciousness and the praise in your supplicationswere poignant.

*Note4*Suggestions and Errors *Note4*

*Note*"and now that you can see His work in me it distresses you very much." comma after me

*Note* "All along the way the citizens.." comma after way.

*Note* "I suppose that this was the end of Vee, and that my vision....but the scene blurred...and it seemed to me that my vision...up-side down so that the gorge."
Grammatically there is nothing wrong with the sentence.

However, its poignancy is weighed down by the use of "that" I reread the paragrpah again and again, and you could remove every that so it reads more active and powerful. Often time "that' is a useless word when its over used.

"I supposed this was the end of Vee, and my vision would now come to an end. But the scene blurred with my tears, and it seemed to me my vision plunged beneath the rock of the gorge and out the other side, then turned upside-down so the gorge was not a gorge, but a mountain." Just a suggestions

*Star* these errors are minor and easily addressed if you so choose.

*Star* other wise, a wonderful tale within a tale. Written passionatley with supplication and with whimsy and creativity. Well done.

~write on and peace~ Kjo*Flower3*
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