Hi Gerard, this is a review for you short"The Bold Little Bird" . When I e-mailed you and said I like to repay reviews with a review, I'd then realized I had review a story of yours "The Interrogation..." I'm terrible with names but always remember a title to a story! No matter, here's a review anyway.
What I liked about this story... it's such a methaphor for life in general. The owl as a parental fiqure( I see this owl as a grandparent) and the sparrow as a child. Who wonders and dreams and strives to reach and understand the world in which he lives.
"Up high in the night sky a sparrow was struggling, flapping its wings harder and harder against the discordant swirling of the wind, pain growing in its chest, still far away from its target, but ascending through the air nevertheless. But eventually, in spite of its ardent enthusiasm to progress upward through pressuring heights, its wings began to slow from ache of effort, making it hard to flap… harder to flap. The feathery fowl eventually surrendered to the sky just as it had done many times before— and so the bird began to descend through the clouds, diving once more to its terrestrial world." The lovely use of words that brought vivid images in to my mind as the sparrow tried to reach the stars...little heart beating rapidly, wings flapping incessantly...a nice image here.
As I noticed with the other story, you have a wonderful command for language. Every word is used for effectiveness and to emphasize. I did have a bit of difficulty with the following sentence: what of a "He then uttered this revelation, in a kind and appropriate way, so that the boldness of the ambitious little bird would not sour like his had accomplished many years ago, following his vain attempts to acquire the pedestal of that spherical pearl that luminesces brilliantly in the night sky; before he had learned all that he currently knew."
For one thing, its quite long...I felt the need to catch my breath but no end-stop. And then "the would not sour like his had accomplished many years" was a bit ambiguous. It seems like its missing something.
{c"orange}"You look surprised to see that one before you has tried to ascend beyond inevitable limits. I know what you are trying to say in this sentnece but perhaps if you excanged the 'one' for a noun/pronoun, it might be a bit easier to read. Just a thought to ponder.
Otherwise...a wonderful little story about a sparrows efforts to reach the stars...and the wise owl giving him a lesson through history and experience. Great methaphor!
Hi Khaynne, this is the second review of fice you won in the four-way split raffle. This is a review for your story "Brownie" .
Why is it some of our favorites memories are from grandma's house? Its so true. I have afew too.
What I liked about this story Khaynne, is the acitve voice. Though much of it is 'remembering' it was told with mostly present tense verbs as if it was happening now. very good!
And of course, animals always make the most endearing subjects for our stories. Everyone likes a good heroic dog story. Brownie does indeed seem like a hero at least to the grey tabby.
"I had my choice of plump prunes, juicy peaches, red pie cherries, green sour gooseberries, scrumptious blackberries, red raspberries, tasty blackcaps and concord grapes" yum. I love summer berries. You just made my mouth water." You didn't over describe them you gave us just enough to nearly taste...nice!
I do have a few suggestions, if I may.
"When I was quite young and spending my summers at my grandmas there..." comma after 'grandmas'
"when ever grandma and I went to leave he was... comma after leave' and 'whenever' is one word.
"...but being resourceful she tied him to a post..." comma after 'resourceful'
"after a few days the grey tabby..." comma after 'days'
"I saw was the grey tabby..." seems like this sentence is missing something.'
Just afew minor errors, mostly punctuation. Sorry, don't mean to be a comma cozi! Its only my intent to be helpful not critical.
This was a fine story. Simple but not simplistic. it was direct and active and had a great theme with a sad ending. well done.
Hi Khaynne Morgan, this is the first of five reviews you won in the 4 way split raffle. I began with this story titled:"Bench#3"
Please keep in mind every thing I suggest or have observed is only my humble opinion. Use them at your discretion.
First let just say, I like this story, there is a soothing calmness about your writing and it comes through in this story. It's one of those romance stories that is soft and easy to read. Your writing is better than average and though this theme has been vited and revisted a million times, your style adds a fresh voice and approach so bravo!
I do have some suggestions. These suggestion are observations I made as I was reading.
There were numerous punctuation errors. While some writers suggest they are 'stylist choices' I disagree because puncuation is essential to pace and flow of the story. In addition, punctuation is needed to make sentences grammatically correct and it can be used to add effectivenss to your sentences. Here is some of what I found:
"Soon I was driving" comma after 'soon'
"Looking out the window I saw the bench...." You need a comma after 'window'
"Next thing I knew I found myself out there setting on the bench..." you need a comma 'knew' and 'setting' should be sitting.
"Immediantly when I had heard that unique, deep masculine voice on the phone earlier that day I had felt a fluttering of feelings." comma after 'immediantly' and after 'day'
"his voice was clear, his words rational and we had a pleasant three hour conversation." comma after 'rational'
"...who he had found to be a habitual liar and not a little neurotic..." the 'not a little neurotic' seems a little out of place in this sentence...did you mean not to mention a little neurotic or and a little neurotic?
"after a fight he had begun thinking..." comma after 'fight'
""I knew what I wanted to say; but I told..." here you use a semicolon. It's best to limit their use...and since you are using the conjunction 'but' its perfectly ok to just repalce the semi colon with a comma.
"After I hung up the phone I felt exhilarated..." comma after 'phone'
"But it wasn't long before I began to think: What if he..." here you use colons. Colons are best to use for lists...perhaps put your thoughts in italics?
"when we were done he hung out..." comma after 'done'
"Just as I was going up the steps to my apartment ben caught..." comma after apartment
"On the fourth day I rose..." comma after 'rose.'
The other suggestions I have are to consider place spaces between your paragraphs for easier reading.
Most of this story is narrative. I would like to read some dialouge between you and Ben. So your anger and grief rather than tell. This will help this story jump off the page with life.
Just one more observation, just a thought to ponder for future reference. In this story you rely on the word had and that a lot. I realize much of this is recollection and past is needed. Often times the word that and had can be removed. What this does, espcially for 'had' is make your voice more active rather than passive. removing 'had' can also clear up tense probles, though, this wasn't an issue in this story. The word 'that' is just a habit all writers fall into and yet, often times 'that' can just be ommitted. Of course, sometimes using 'that' is unavoidable.
I like this story. I like your writting approach to this story. There is an appeal and pleasantness to your tone and style. There were a few reader blocks but they are easily addreshed if you so choose. This is on its way to being excellent. It has grand potential, it just needs a bit of polishing.
I hope this has been useful. Please don't discouraged b the lower rating. I rated it only because of the technical aspects, {punctuation mostly} If you'd like me to rerate this after some eiditing, I'd be more than willing. Just ask.
Well, I must say this was an excellent read. The pace and flow were great. The build to the eerie and hanging ending were superb!
Wonnderful charicaterization of the the mortician, of his assisantant and the dubious "stiff".
You did a fanstiastic job with setting and descriptions of the ensuing storm. I could nearly see the lights flicker off and on and hear the wind howling. Yeow! Ok, I'm creeped out now.
This was an excellent mystery/suspense story that was chilling in its delvery, in its build-up and in the storytelling of the morician. Superb!
Nearly perfectly written minus a couple typos: "You must understand that overtime my profession...." I was a but confused with this...overtime should be written over time?
"and candlelight light was sufficient..." perhaps use a differnt word for light?
Other than that...very minor, by the way. Didn't interfer with the flow of the story. Just thought you might want to know.
Otherwise, I liked this story. You have a wonderful command of word usage and language. This story was told effectively with precise use of words...no fluff. Excellent!
The theme was believable, bizarre but... thrillers/horror usually is. I almost felt pity for the moritican, though I must admit...I have doubts as well. I like the fact that you left the reader to wonder. Brilliant ending!
*violet*Hi A.F Lanley, this is a review for your poem "Never" .
How said and unfortunate this theme was driven by an actual account!
I personally haven't read the news so I didn't hear...but it could be, I spend way too much time on writing.com so I don't know what's going on in the world.*bigsmle*
This was sad, effective and heart-wrenching. It was well written and while there wasn't much rhyme in this poem there was a natural cadence to your words as they unfolded across the poem.
Emotionally this was profound. It brought sadness to my heart for the child, the relatives and for the officer. What a tragic accident!
Your poem was almost like lyrics. I thought that as I was reading and then I was surprised you mentioned lyrics at the end of your poem. It would mke a poignant and tender song.
I don't have any suggestions, I didn't see any eorrors. Well done.
Hi Scoundrel, this is a review for your short story"Flat Tire"
Nothing like a good driving half-way across the country, story. Of course, the flat time or other mechanical break-downs always seem to happen at the most inconvient of times. What is it Murphey's law? Some kind of strange detector or radar? Anyway...I'm rambling here.
I thought this was a well written and engaging story. Good use of description of the Grand Canyon, I presume, the mighty ponderosa pines...and even of the seclusion...with nothing but the tumbleweeds. Nice!
I thought you had good characterization and nice build up to suspense that ended up being just dread and fear running wild...the hotel seemed like something out of Psycho except for it was Fonzi. Great descriptions of a character lost in a time warp.
I did spot a few errors:"As i have driven on a few donuts..." I think its laways best to cpaitalize the "I"
"that is that we got a flat tire..." a bit of a tongue twister with the use of 'that'
"On the way there the driver..." comma after 'there'
These were minor and they are easily addressed. I think this is a fine story. It was entertaining and mostly well written. I hope this has been helpful
Hi Redtowrite, this is a reivew for your short story "Gathering Sins"
There is a brutal honesty to this story. History has written how oprerssive/cruel and ignorant the slave owner was.
And Della is just one example of the millions of 'salve woman' who suffered at the hands of their white 'masters'
Of course he tries to justify his actions. She only gave him girl babes, that broke the promise. Afterall, his wife wouldn't have sex with him...might as well rape the young innocent slave girls. Twenty-four and ten deliveries. Unbelievably wrong and yet...so very real.
I think you have an effective story here. Gee it got me all riled up and ready to wrangle...I love to be in a 'stand up and fight' mode.
I think you captured the essence of the language and mentality of that era. So well done.
"Worn and broken from babies, she was soft like a ripe peach inside. The peach was now rotten." This was especially poingant...powerful and sad.
"Young female slaves are sold for more money if the buyers find them strong and build to bear" to you mean built to bear?
the ending was somber but perfect. I liked fire of Hell licking his boots!
I do have to comment on your strap line "In the antebellum south sometimes the owners are as miserable as their slaves" Yes, and they deserve to be misearable. What with all the ignorance and hate and cruelness they spread and imparted they should of had the fire of hell lick more then their boots. But I won't mention where.
For a short story, I thought this piece was effective and well written. It was compelling and arrounsing.
what I liked about this was how intimate and welcoming this story was. The letter format was a great tool to introduce your experience on earth for the first time.
I loved the wonder and the innocence of the explorations and the discoveries. The wide-eyed amazement put me in the frame-of-mind of kids visiting a science-fiction gallery for the first time...the Wow over the faces...very telling and refreshing--this was your story.
It was refreshinglyP tender in its deliver and tone. The pace and flow were great and I got a few chuckles as I imagianed them trying to walk for the first time, hold a spoon, tasting icecream and seeing the feeling the sun on their faces. This story, simple and yet, layered with meanings. It teaches a lesson. And you don't have to dig too deep to see it.
Hi Robert, per your suggestion I am reviewing "The Stream"
Again, lovely use of language. The cadence of the words were perfectly balanced as was the flow and pace. Again well done. lush and vivid and the pronuciation of the words seemed to punctuate the tone of this poem. nice.
I don't think you should combine the two however...I think it might be too much as one...perfect as separate entities..of course, this is just my opinion
while the language is rich and musical..I think each one is at the perfect length, if they were any longer, I think its caddence and richness would be lost.
Hi Brahmand, this is a review for your short story, "The interview" .
What I liked about this story was the essential lesson to be learned. This Mr Dada seemed not only well liked but very wise. I think you did a great job of characerization and of punctuating this story with a moral/lesson in life.
I thought Dada himself was a formdible character. Intelligent/wise and well liked by his students.
This story was thought-provoking and for the most part, well written though I did spot a few road blocks If I may: "Anand Niketan School of spoken English was..."comma after was
"eagerly awaiting people" maybe 'audience' or students?
You wrote "The spoken English course as well as for French and German language, were" since 'course' is your subject, your verb should be 'was' rather that 'were'
"If I sound that way, I may be sub-consciously." this seems unfinished to me?
"he continued as his first word had hit on target."
In this sentence, you could remove 'had'
"The film started, as the students hushed, after creating a silent commotion while retrieving their notebooks from their backpacks." There's a lot going on in this sentence and silent commotion seems contradictory,...and I think it might be better served switched around a bit perhaps: After making a lot of commotion retrieving their noteboooks, the students settled down. The film was beginning. Well something to that effect.
Its not as busy, more focused and direct.
I think this is inventive and thought-provoking. I found it a bit drawn out and perplexing in the beginning because it seemed so technical and your language was high-handed, however, it did round out very nicely.
Indeed and intersting case-study, if you will, into the nature of observation and all its variances.
Hi Darius Blaire, this is a review for your short story "The Cassette Tape" .
well, this is a strange and wonderful story. Perplexing and appealing at the same time. Sort of puts me in the frame of mind of "the twilight zone" In fact, in my mind, Geniviere's voice becomes Rod Taylor" Yeow do.. do..do..do..do..do..do.do
Good thing cassette tapes aren't as prevelant as they used to be. Yeow!
I thought this was well written, entertaining, sci-fi- like and compelling.
Excellent characterization. All the nuances of the protagonists character were well detailed...the poor bloke...being attacked by his own creations...so much for irony.
I thought this story was clever Well done.
I did see a few errors, if I may:
"as thought it was something ten times more..." though?
I think lazy boy is actually Laz-y boy?
"trying to make ends meat.." meet...just a little typo.
other than those few errors this was interesting and inventive.
I guess its all a matter of perspective. You are young...so it seems more painful now...as your get a little older, thus a bit wiser...you'' treasure this expreince for the blessed opportunity it twas. Not too comforting now...
I thought this article was well written. I only say one repeated error and that's 'i' it's always best to Capitalize 'i'
And the comma after 'bus' should be changed to a semi colon or period, because as it stands its runon.
"Then I broke, crying is a word that couldn't have described what I went through on the bus, I felt my soul, my insides hurting mourning over the pain."
Again, a well written and thoughtful article written honestly. Well done.
I hope this has been useful
powered by yellowreviewing madness
review by kjo diggin this yellow scene
Other than that, I thought this was emotional and honest and thought-provoking in a way...you have made a valid point. So bravo!
Well this is certainly interesting and thought-provoking.
How did you get so smart about the number three? I'd never thought about it before...but you are right...we are powered by numbers...some numbers more than others.
My numerolgy number is one. So solidary...one is indeed a lonely number! yeow
I thought this was mostly well written. I did find a few errors along the way, minor stuff really:"rather we want to admit it or not...' whether?
"this number too drives directors..." I think with this the'too' stands out in irony a bit almost like 'two' perhaps: Number three drives directors as well. Something like that
"This number three has also been seen as a lucky mumber as well as an unlucky number..." a but wordy and reptitive. Perhaps: The number three is as lucky as it is unlucky... ?
I think it might be helpful...where you indented for a new paragrpah, place a space between the paragrpahs as well..it just makes it look cleaner, tighter and helpds with readability.
What I like about this, was all the examples you gave to prove your thesis on the number three. Welldone. And they were interesting and educated as well as just everyday stuff...like icons and idiosyncricies as a well as factual, historical stuff. Excellent!
Everything I wanted to know about the number three and thensome was right here in your atricle. Wow!
I hope this has been useful
Yo the power of three and beyond!
I thought this little bit of an article was entertaining and clever...is that a real virus? I hope not because I can't even pronounce it.
I don't know anything about birds {I think I had a couple of love birds for about a minute way back when}but this cockatoo seems like the perfect pet if you like lifelong pandamonium! hee,hee. Just kidding.
Apparently the major didn't appreciate guarding all that furniture in lock-down. I would have put up a ruckus too.
I did notice a few punctuation mishaps...but they were minor.
If you do go broke before completing the treatment you will still have ..." I felt you could use a comma after treatment.
"When the roller door closed the" comma after close
This was well written and witty. Thanks for sharing Major's antics. Have you learned your lesson yet?
Hi RadicalRice, thsi is a review for your short story ("The Climbers" .
Well, this is an interesting and creative perspective!
Its different and that makes it unique. Oh, welcome to writing dot com!
I hope you find this review helpful!
this is a stroy about moutain climbers and the dangers they face. They already lost one in their party, and then an avalanche...great use of action...I like "falling into the waiting arms of the snow...' nice!
There were a few reader blocks along the way...mostly punctuation...please keep in mind these are only my opinions meant to be useful.
"breating heavily James Michaels..." comma after "heavily"
"as he help his training partner Trish Border..." comma before "Trish"
"Mount Layton's Peak was still miles away, James knew...This sentence might work better switched so the "Hames knew Mount Laytons' peak was still mailes away..." active voice is always better when applicable.
"...blowing toward the two climbers so they..." comma after 'climbers'
"sadly he walked towards his tent and started walk..."no 's' on toward and missing 'to' before walk?
"Suddenly a loud..." comma after suddenly
"RISH he yelled...' do you mean TRISH?
I like the varying perspectives of this story...the climbers story, the media's story and the families story. Intersting and creative...
I thik you have the begiings of a inventive and action-packed story here complete with dangers and sadness. It just needs a bit of tweaking and editing to clean up the errors and tighten those sentences.
Hi Lupo Scuro, this is a review for your short story"Silent Wood" .
What's nice about this short piece is a lot of action. To have so few words and so much action, well that's great!
I think you did a good job with characterization for Alexis with so few words. And her role as animal control or ranger...was done quite well and believable. She's tough and has a lot of grit
I say, I wouldn't want to mess with her. And the that old grizzly, well she sure wrangled him.
I did see one mispelling 'dieing" should be "dying."
And the other obeservation...I have...is where excatly were they held up? In a hospital? How far awy from the bear siting and the murderer? I just thought that part of the story was a bit unclear to me, and left me with a few questions.
Otherwise, for so few words, a action-packed drama-filled story with good characterization. Well done.
Hi oneday, this is a review for your short story"Nine lives" .
This was enjoyable, I must confess. So don't scrap it yet!
What I Liked
I thought your writing was so full of energy. Yes, it was energetic and fresh. The use of active voice in first person narrative was effective.
Great characterization thus far. Bella, Kat and your Dad. I see that Kat is tragic and it seems in this long-time friendship, Kat has might put a lot of strain on this friendship. I hope it endures.
Unfortunalty she has some issues. I think this is an important story because Bella appears to be wise beyond her years and responsible. Drinking and using drugs is an all too familiar theme for American Youth. I think you have someting positive to say against it. Say it proud!
I think you have a commanding use of language. Your writing style is contemporary and fresh and full of positive energy. Great!
Suggestion/Observations
What didn't work for me...is the mountain of text. Consider formatting your story differently with spaces inbetween your paragrpahs for easier reading.
And while you have some wonderful and effective word usages you also rely on the 'old' adverb a bit too much.
In just several sentences you used: completly, immediately, actually, clumsily, perfectly, resoundingly, truly, undoubtedly, precisely...not to leave out the inanely, calmly, rationally, insidiously, ...
I just pointed those out because adverbs are very useful. The are at times, unavoidable. They even add cleveriness to your sentneces. So, there usefullness can't be denied. I think you just relied on them a bit too 'heavily.' no pun intended.
Again, I like this story. I like your approach to this theme. You have a flair for writing. I thought this story was engaging and appealing. That is a great attribute to have in your writing style. This just needs the slightest bit of polishing in order for it to shine!
Hi CarlsANewDad, this is a review for you very short introduction to Abby and Ally "Abby's Bebe" .
Aaah, so cute, Everyone likes and can relate to a welcoming home the new baby story, even if the home is separated.
Abby, how precious. No worries it seems...not now anyway...I won't tarnish your mind with horror stories, that would be really evil of me
I think you've captured the voice and antics of a two year old very well. It's always helpful when that two year old is your own!
I thought this sentence...the phrase after the comma, was a bit akward. We were unaware of what happened, as Maria remembered that she left Ally's pacifier at home.
"She said "Hi bebe! I Ally!" "She had Ally's pacifier in her..." And in these two separte phrases, I was a bit confused...Abby is two year old right/ Abby's talking to Ally, the baby." But says, I Alley? and in the other one...it was Abby's pacifier or Allys?
Just some thoughts to ponder.
The baby quickly stopped crying as we figured the she had fallen asleep. Seems to be missing something.
That day, I . This is a styling choice, But I think its always best no to begin sentences with common words such as that or contractions like "but, and, ect.
Otherwise, this was enjoyable and sweet. Congradulations. Better start a gun collection for when their teenagers. Just joking
Hi Smee, this is a review for your short story "Mantoswawim" .
I thought you did a great job at characterization and making the setting seem authentic.
The roommate was a little more that 'erie' and a little more than 'touched'. His gaunt appearance and lack of vocabulary made him a perfect candidate for the catalyst in this thriller/suspense short.
Your descriptions gave just enough for the reader to gain a picture in our mind of what he looked like. Of course I knew he wasn't normal, but I neverr suspect the outcome.
This was a decent thriller/suspense story with a great evil twist.
I thought your writting was clear, concise and every word was craftly choosen like sharpened daggers for effect and to [b}steadily draw the reader toward the end.
Example; Not profound or poignant, yet perfectly precise: "spat it out like it tasted bad' Simple put but not simplistic.
I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions.
Hi Sean, this is a review for you short story"Bacon"
Stick with me now~ there is a method to the madness~
First let me ask you~ what variety were those hotdogs...beef,turkey, pork or packed with cheese? Cause if they were Pork hotdogs...you can't fight pork with bacon and expect to win! Har, har
Either you eat too much bacon and too many hotdogs preserving all those crazy ideas coursing through you or you don't eat enough bacon or hotdogs and your mind suffers and is bacon intolerant. hee,hee
I'm just messing with you.
This was the craziest, zaniest short story I've read in a while. It was stupid-funny. It certainly was creative and inventive, can't say I've read anything quite like it before.
[b}I did enjoy it however.
I did notice a few reader blocks along the way: "next morning on the bus Bob notice..." comma after bus
"stranger than all that though was what..." comma after though and 'than all that though' was a bit of a tongue twister.
"As bob thought that thought he walked..." comma after thought. Bob should be in Caps. And the thought that thought...a different sort of tongue twister
"brother bill..." Bill, in caps
"He fought the urge valiently but after just a short time..." comma after valiently and time.
"Out of the corner of his eye Bob..." comma after eye
These reader blocks I listed are just my opinion...take them or leave them as you please. They are given humbly.
The errors are easily addressed if you choose. I give you four 's for creativity. I would of given more...but the story needs to be polished a bit. it was enjoyable and thanks for the laugh.
I suspect I won't be enjoying my morning slice of bacon without thinking about this story...Aaachm, thanks, not! Take my advice, next time you see squirrel eating bacon in your kitchen...run for dem hills!
Hi Dave~ this is a review for your short story "Adrift"
I thought this was written exceptionly well. Very nice descriptions. Not too much, well balanced.
Good use of imagry and emotion. I sensed his tears, his concentration as he was writing the letter.
I heard the thump as the cork went in to the bottle. So bravo to you for setting, character development and description.
Ths wasn't an origianl theme. And I've read a few other 'message in a bottle' stories drifting about these past two weeks...must of been a prompt for a contest.
What I appreciated about yours...is while you had the same theme, there was a different approach. And your writing is what made this peice come alive.
Your words were effective, precise.
I saw no errors and the only suggestions I have is really a just a thought for you to ponder...The reader never gets a real sense about Jennifer. Obviously it was their anniversary. Did she die, did she leave...I didn't see any clues...did I miss something? I quesss I would of liked to have known a bit more about her.
Hi MattMore, this is a review for your short story"Old Town Market"
Well, it seems it would do Gerald a world of good to listen to Grandma a little more.
I love the wisdom you gave her. She seems sweet and able and gives advice in a loving but stern manner rather than a lecture. Grandma's are the best.
I think Gerald is a stuff-shirt. He is self-absorbed and places to much value on the wrong things in life. But he was taught a valuable lesson. Perfect!
I thought this was a decent story. It wasn't overly emotional, profound or poignant but it was Solid,
straight-forward and your words were effective.
It seems you were having a few technical difficulties with your writing...namely punctuation, an awkward sentence and mispelling.
Here's what I found: "As he made his last turn, he thought to himself--She should have moved a long time ago,--It..." I think the correct way to write this is
"As he made he last turn, he thought to himself She should have move long time ago.It..."
"Ok, but aren't you afraid that you'll get sick from food the in that place?", he asked as...
"Ok, but aren't you afraid....food in that place?" He asked as...
"In his dress shoes he nearly slipped..." comma after shoes.
'lemon aid' lemonade
"...these bags back to the car? she asked him..."
"...these bags back to the car? She asked him..."
"It was definitely an origianl but..." comma after origianl.
"Thinking quickly Gerald..." comma after quickly.
If Gerald wasn't so concerned about its monterary vlue, perhas he could have seen the humor in finding out a monkey name Zelda was the artist. Har, har. That's pretty funny
There were a few other punctuation...mostly around dialouge. But these stood out.
At least it was original! hee,hee.
I think there was a great lesson in this story...and no ones bestter that a grandma to teach it...its all about karma...but he sould of laughed at the party with his friends...perhaps he wouldn't of been so angry.
However, I think you had good character development.Both were multi-deminsional. I like Gerald character in spite of his failings. And Grandma of course.
This story has grand potential. There were a few issues. Easily addressed if your choose.
Hi K. R., this is a review for your short story, "Preacher's Son"
In your 'author's note' you mentioned it'd been a couple years since you've written. I think this story is a fine example of restarting 'strong.' The theme isn't all that orignial, but I get a sense your writing style will breathe new life in to a old theme. And at least it wasn't the "preacher's daughter' this time.
Overall, I think your writing is great. The story is believable, the situation all too believable,the dialouge between the two seems real and Abby's reactions/thoughts are excatly what she should be expressing anxiety over. I think you've captured that aspect well. And I like the fact that you displayed his father's compassion as well as the 'sterness' to follow with meet me in the office.
I thought this sentence was a bit wordy and passive.
"There wasn’t any amount of talking that would convince him to remove the guilt that was building more with each of her falling tears. “…If I could change what happened that night, I would.” There it was again, another tense moment of silence.
I might want to use more active voice: No amount of talking could remove the guilt rising with each of her falling tears" ? Just a suggestions.
"If only he heaad stopped himself, if only he had been...." actually two sentences. Might want to replace the coma with a semi-colon.
"She found his tone slightly soothing though it didn’t do much to ease her anxiety" I don't think the adverb 'slightly' added much to soothing. But you might want to use one before ease. This sentence might be more effective: "She found his tone soothing, though it didn't completely ease her anxiety."
These are of course, just my sugestions. They are meant only to be helpful. Use them or discard them as you please.
Otherwise, I think you're off to a great start. this story has potential. You have a flair with writing it just needs a bit of developing to strenghten certain areas. Make every word count. Try using active voice. You are on your way!
There is a wonderful ambiance to this story. Sorrowfully--sweet, tender and even jubilant. It was a lovely tribute: the passing and journey of someone's life. No matter the character didn't know the one who died.
It's the moment, she happened upon that had a deep impact on her live. Perhaps it shows her how beautiful death can be, perhaps how to live: to be generous with love and give roses while their alive. And to respect them in their passing with tributes and celebrations.
In any event, this was a poignant tale set in a quaint and rustic Vienna.
It was written very well. I saw no errors and I have on suggestion...you might consider finding another word for "grew" a bit repitive.
"I’ve not seen Vienna in many a year; I grew up, I suppose, marrying and settling down in the same city where I grew up..."
You painted a lovely picture of this moment. Some vivid imagery. I was right there at the willow tree, I felt the emotion. So well done.
I thought it wassignificant that your character learned so much with such a barrier. There are layers of truth in this story. Lessons to be learned.
Hi Typo, this is a review for your story ,"Dollar Bill" .
You've certainly created some intrique on my part as a reader. Now I want to know what happens next.
Good thing this is horror/mystery, otherwise it might not be beleivable. But in this day and age of tenchnology, and with all the easy ways to 'spy' this could be happen and it doesn't appear to be far-fetched as of yet.
Nice job of building a little suspense and leaving the reader hanging until the other chapter is written.
you tease.
There we som issues with the writing, small but tended to interupt the flow. Here is what I found along my read. "Well, as I tend to live my life in a perpetual hurry I tuck..." I don't think 'well as' is needed here and you might consider a comma after 'hurry, so I tuck'.
"Within seventy-two hours you must to go to the website and enter your password. " You could omit the 'to' infront of the 'go' and it needs a comma after 'hours'
"If you do not comply with these intructions and with the instructions you will receive there will be consquences." A bit repitive with the 'instructions' and a comma is needed after 'receive'
Oohhh, consequences, yippee, I want to know what the consequences are.
"Unfortunaterly we also know..." comma after unfortunately.
"The erector pillae muscles in my arms made all of the arm hairs stand on end." considering you just mentioned something to this effect in the sentence prior, I thought this was a bit over-the-top. Not everyone knows they are called 'erector pillae' Yeow.
otherwise, this is a decent beginning. I think you've done a super job on building intrique/suspense.
I'ts odd and pecuilar but evenstill, it's creative and interesting. I'm a succer for a good grind of coffee anytime of the day , anythings possible at Starbucks.
I hope you found this helpful.Look forward to reading more.
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