Hey There Mark Weisbruch
Greetings! I saw your item on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.
Well Mark, first I'd like to say, I think you are being a little harsh on yourself. You began "your" story saying your were a demon, a horrible kid and a much worse young adult. Honestly, after reading, I thought, well yes, some of your antics were bad, but they weren't on the level of "monstrosity." Ouch, that's a harsh word to describe yourself and your actions.
Frankly, your story didn't seem that much different than a lot of young men your age. Boys are mischievous and reckless and most often let their hormones control their every thought and action, usually to a fault. But hey, that's part of growing up. And it seems you finally grew up and took responsibility for your actions.
In fact, I thought your way of 'protecting' the girls from being slammed into mud puddles was a bit endearing. Ok, so you ended up in the principals office a lot, but at least you weren't a bully or an abuser in that sense
Enough about my thoughts on how you described yourself and on to the issues I had reading your story.
Your story needs focus. You began with a disclaimer and them described your birth and then jumped into your military life and then back to grade school and then onto high school. This leaves the reader a bit breathless because you are trying to write about twenty some years in a few megabytes. The reader needs to savor your experiences in order to appreciate how you overcome conflict, whether its external, internal or both. Slow it down some. Perhaps focus on a couple of instances that helped to shape who you are rather than 'your life in a nutshell'
What I found rather intriguing, more than anything else, is how you had this enduring love for one young girl named Katie and how the impact of your feelings for her threw you in the arms of other girls named 'Katie" Now that's a story!
I'm not sure you need the opening paragrpah. The reader doesn't need to know they are going to read a story about how you came to be through your antics. Just tell your story and keep it simple yet interesting. It's always best to use active strong descriptive words. Make every word count so your meaning is effective and clear.
For the most part, the story was written ok, no huge grammar issues or serious errors in the 'mechanics of writing' However, there was a lot of redundancy and wordiness. So your paragraphs could use some editing. For Instance, take the following senteces:
It’s funny how shallow rooted that promise was. That was the last time I ever talked to Katie Ryan, however, even more than a decade later I have often found myself wondering if she is ok now. I imagine if I ran into her, I wouldn’t even know it. It has been so long, but love remains. "shallow rooted that promise was " isn't necessarily wrong but you are saying a mouthful when "It's funny how shallow promises can be" May be more effective because it's more direct and effective. Also, the phrase beginning with "however, is too wordy and a bit weak. Perhaps: Even a decade later, I find myself wondering if she's ok.
I noticed the same in the following sentence. It's best to keep it simple so your meaning doesn't get lost in a sea of superfluous words.
It always seems to do that. Love, no matter how hard you try to shake it, love clings to you like a tick, sucking the life right out of you, poisoning your system more and more the longer you allow it to fester. Love, it always seems to suck the life right out of you, poisoning your system, festering until it has you in its intoxicating grip. Well, at least for me. Or something like that. But it does add more drama and insight into the character.
Another example of wordiness in the following sentence:
I don’t know what exactly it is about me, but I have always managed to get exactly what I wanted out of people. Maybe it is that I am manipulative
Perhaps: It's easy to bend others to my will. I guess you could call me manipulative. My friend Nick says ...." Just thoughts for you to ponder.
I did see the wordiness throughout your story. Everything I addressed above is easy to address if you choose.
Also, you may want to break your paragrpahs up a but more. Some of them a far too long. The mountain of text is a bit overwhelming. The reader needs to pause. And it serves to make your story look more polished and professional.
Mark, you have an interesting anthem here. I like the Katie twist and I found manning-up to the father issue, rather positive. Your ending was, again, a bit harsh. And seems a bit self-destructive.
I think this story is worthy of a determined rewrite. It's a gem just waiting to be polished and refined a bit so it can live up to all it promises to be.
if I could make a final observation? And this is more of a challenge. It may make your story more readable, if you were to change it's perspective from first person narrative to third person. The story can still be about you but changing the point of view will add insight, give more characterization and create a little more drama. Just a suggestion of course.
But, please, do keep on writing and then Write on some more!
I hope you found this useful and that my comments were taken in the spirit of encouragement fore which they were intended.
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