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BY ONLINE AUTHORS

Waterfall

I tried to write a hexameter.

Actions & Words Define

Humanity is at a crossroads, either we forgive our shared past or embrace hate and death.

Invisible

A poem written in despair

Rach's Reading Club

My reading list for Rach's Reading Club

READ A NEWBIE

A Silent Plea

I wrote this before I left my husband with five kids in tow. He has since passed - cancer.

~Holy smoke and dying embers~

A cathartic poem about the struggle between good and evil. What path should one choose.

The Fiddler

A story about a man's journey to find his music.

That Little Box of Freedom

Sci-Fi(esque) Suspense and action. *trigger warning* Blood and Gore

BY ONLINE AUTHORS

Waterfall

I tried to write a hexameter.

Rest In Peace My Dearest Brother Nelson

A very sad day of my Life..

First They Came... (2025)

A rewording of the famous quote by Pastor Martin Niemöller reflecting present day 2nd POV

The Problem with Writing

Originally a blog post, now a static item -- wanted an easier way to share it.

Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luminementis/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3

LightinMind

Review Requests: ON

2,435 Public Reviews Given

2,435 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I try to be honest and positive. My Christian faith is an important background factor. I hate rating low but have a system that determines how I grade.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

I'm good at...

More interested in the content of what you write than the style. Theological, political, historical, scientific, or experiential, or indeed anything that paints a vision of the future. A good grammar checker will tell you about spelling and commas.

Favorite Genres

Not entirely sure as I like most stuff. I prefer something with a soul rather than purely secular. But I like Sci-Fi, anything Christian, and also 'What-if' type speculations with plausible plots.

Least Favorite Genres

Anything that fails to look for a way out of the darkness. You can be dark, just don't wallow in it. Generally, I try to steer clear of Fantasy, and most Dark or Horror stories just make me laugh or grimace due to their ignorance of the dark side.

Favorite Item Types

I have really liked some of the heartwarming dramas I have read here particularly personal stories. Thought-provoking poems or stories are cool also though I am no expert on poetical forms.

Least Favorite Item Types

Anything that is just an affirmation of the dark side. I hate empty words. I always look for human intelligence. I try and avoid Fantasy and Horror where there is no metaphorical resonance or connection with real-world truth.

I will not review...

I mainly review at random and just see what grabs my attention. I will usually skip stuff I do not like unless it gets me riled or if it is interesting for other reasons.

Public Reviews

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4780384

Review of Who Wrote the Epistle to the Hebrews?

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I found "Who Wrote the Epistle to the Hebrews?"

while browsing another topic. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Who wrote the Epistle to the Hebrews? Tradition says Paul but unlike his other books he never signed it so some say it is unknown. The author reviews the evidence and reaches her conclusion.

Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

You list the evidence for Pauline authorship as:
1) There is a strong tradition on this.
2) The reference to Timothy in 13:23
3) The language is in Paul's style and differences can be attributed to the fact he was adjusting to a Hebrew audience.

You could have included the classic "Grace be with you" closing greeting that Paul used also.

That the temple must have still existed when the letter was written makes it possible that Paul or someone else of his generation wrote this.

Your list of dissenting scholars does not include much real contrary evidence. So you do not review the evidence against Paul's authorship beyond saying that Paul does not say he is the author, and a different salutatory formula is used here.

I think we simply cannot know. You are asserting rather than demonstrating in your argument. I am happy to accept Pauline authorship of a letter he claims as his but not this one and using his Jewish audience to explain this does not satisfy his break with his normal style.

Peter was a fisherman and the text of Hebrews is far too sophisticated to have been written by him even with Mark's help.

It could be in Paul's style because it was a disciple that he trained.

Timothy had more friends than just Paul, he was indeed the leader of the church in Ephesus for a while. So this could have been written by someone else intimate with both. Or it could have been added on by Paul to a letter written by one of his disciples. By doing so he endorses the authority of the text and uses it without having written it. Either way this reference does not prove Paul wrote this.

Eusebius suggested that Paul wrote it in Hebrew and then Luke translated it into Greek. Others suggest Clement, the third pope, did the translation. Now we only have the Greek texts for this. The Greek is qualitatively superior to Paul's normal direct style.

It is clear that this text is written by a direct witness to the apostle's teachings and it is one of the most profound and inspiring texts in scripture. My theory is that it was written by a woman tutored by Paul but one who was unable to claim authorship because of her gender, which would have undermined its authority in that age. She may have changed the participles used to reflect her male-dominated world and removed a consideration of the author's gender from the receipt of the substance of the text.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the substance, but nothing stood out here.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4778263

Review of Speaking of Avocados

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, Rick Fix

. This is a review of "Speaking of Avocados"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Maybe her avocado-colored coat was a mistake but in the harsh glare of street lamps what other color could have worked? A woman passes through noisy and indifferent streets, takes public transport, and is noticed by a poet who catches her eye, who immortalizes her in words but does not give up his seat to her. She hums a tune, an earworm for which she has forgotten the words while she sways like a cactus on a crowded bus.

Commentary

Thanks for asking me to review this. I liked this one more than the other one. It captured an impression of a woman with an avocado coat, creating a drama out of that which may have no connection with the reality of her life but which was entertaining and amusing nonetheless.

Your focus is on a younger woman with the assumption of sexual advertising built into her person and indeed into the sounds of the city streets. So she wants to look sexy. slightly rebellious and to pick colors that sell her best. The avocado coat is an epic fail allowing her to be compared to a cactus by a man who did not care enough for her to give up his seat on a crowded bus. Her problem is compounded by a lost receipt and a song in her head that she just cannot match with any memory of lyrics.

My favorite line:

I caught her eye on a crowded bus
and kept my seat
like a crooked compliment
that suited me just fine

Mechanical issues

'harsh glare of these city streets' made me think of street lights which implies night, though I suppose it could also imply bright sunlight. The reference to morning says day. Humming fanatically all day implies the end of a day not a morning. The time phrases broke the feeling of continuity in the poem.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4778261

Review of Foremothers, Blushing All at Once

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello, Rick Fix

. This is a review of "Foremothers, Blushing All at Once"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A poem that celebrates the quiet strength of women with a focus on their capacity for pleasure. A capacity shared with the generations of women that came before them.

Commentary

Thanks for asking me to review this poem. To be honest I found it quite strange. When I think of the quiet strength of women then it is usually in terms of motherhood or how they have endured through more sexist eras with dignity, peace and patience.

Here you focus on the glow of a woman after sex in which she experienced an orgasm. There is of course something very beautiful in that but it is something that rises, peaks, falls and fades - a sensual and hormonal experience rather than a defining or spiritual feature of women. Is a woman an animal or an angel or somehow caught between the two? Here you define her in terms of the material and the animal. Some women of course cannot have orgasms, just as some are barren also - dysfunctional as animals, yet still with a humanity that is born of something greater.

The reference to Huppert must have some kind of subjective significance to you. The French actress Isabelle Huppert appeared in some raunchy movies but is best known for her portrayals of cold, austere, and immoral women. Does she stand in continuity with the strength of our foremothers or does she display in her acting career the fallenness of a decadent society itself about to fade into insignificance - time will tell. She smokes a cigarette that someone throws into a deserted cathedral burning the place down and ending an era.

You are noncommittal on your view of origins here - Big Bang or special creation both being possibilities. But you portray the latter in terms of temptation and the fall of man rather than the promise and innocence of Eden. But the blush of sexually fulfilled women remembering their experiences is the uncontroversial fact in your view. It is probably more true that most women on the planet, through history, have never had orgasms and especially in cultures that practice genital mutilation. Indeed sex for many has been forced, bringing unwanted pregnancies and STDs. Maybe this poem therefore celebrates something special, a moment in history in which women can smile but maybe not in continuity with all who came before them.

Indeed the poem celebrates a distinctively European and idealised view of romance and orgasm. Is the audience for this poem the woman so gifted or the man who gazes upon her having blessed her with one?

Mechanical issues

You rhyme came and Seine but apart from that this is free verse. There are no major stylistic issues in that context.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4777750

Review of Desecration

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Sumojo

. This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

"Desecration "

was selected by personal choice for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A captivating tale of a reporter going to Bloomfield, a small town to report on an act of desecration. A grave has been broken open, but whose grave and why?...

Commentary

This was well written and you drew me into the story as I followed Emily around. You wrote a sad tale about a disfigured soldier rejected by his wife and then taking his own life and blended it with another local tragedy of four teenagers killed in a recent car crash. You wove in a Stephen King novel. The one with Annie Wilkes a mentally unstable serial killer who imprisons the victim of a car crash. I liked the way the soldier ghost appears to wonder how Emily will handle his disfigurement before repeating the folly of a century before.

It is the little details that make a story like this work. The fact she should not have drunk that coffee and then could not sleep for example. How a small town, probably catholic handles a suicide at different times.

The plot is both predictable and unpredictable which keeps the reader on his way to that supernatural encounter but which makes its character a surprise nonetheless when it comes.

I hope your stereotypical view of teenagers drinking, taking drugs, and then doing dares is an Australian thing. My teenagers would not behave like that, would they?

I wonder if a reporter would have gotten the two nights' expenses on a story like this which did not even include a murder or large enough sum of money.

Normally I stay away from the horror genre but you made this one sound real and it flowed well and even got me sympathetic to the ghost.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the content

Thanks for sharing.

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4777739

Review of Commuter

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, Lobelia is truly blessed

. This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

"Commuter"

was selected by personal choice for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

The author takes a familiar path home but is surprised nonetheless by a uniquely beautiful scene. A golden setting sun combined with a rainbow radiant cloud provokes thoughts and visions.

Commentary

The colors that the Lord paints his sky with are ever-changing. There is always occasion for wonder. This poem provoked a memory of driving home while on a project in England a few years back. There was a ferocious storm raging on one side of the motorway with dark clouds and thunder and lightning. On the other side, it was glorious sunshine and there was a rainbow arch over the road. I think I must have been traveling the same speed as the storm and so the unforgettable experience lasted for a full hour. I chased the rainbow all the way home.

I liked this phrase:
rainbow-radiant cloud

Mechanical issues

You rhymed the second and last lines consistently. Variable syllable count and lack of tonal harmony - but this was a free verse.

Thanks for sharing.

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4774206

Review of Sky watching

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, kianWB

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Sky watching"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A woman walks through day and night watching seagulls dance in the sky above and then stars sparkling together like old friends. She thought of him, of the separating and the togetherness, his eyes sparkling as they told a bad joke or gazing upward into the cosmos. But can such things last...

Commentary

As a simple expression of yearning and fearfulness, I loved this. You took two things, stars and seagulls, that were a part of your journey and linked them with your feelings about this man. They revealed uncertainty and connection, joy, and interest but also fear and a feeling that maybe this will not last.

Stars may take billions of years to burn out but maybe love measures all things against eternity.

As you say you are not a star nor a seagull but that does not mean they cannot whisper to you and through you to us.

Mechanical issues

You used British English.

The stars sparkle in the night [,] but they are just gas. - maybe a comma here.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4774203

Review of On Reviewing Etiquette

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Valori76

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "On Reviewing Etiquette"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

This is about reviewing other people's poetry. Where's the line between allowing the soulful expression of someone's unique feelings on the world and the demand that poetry conform to certain rules e.g. relating to flow and structure?

Commentary

Interesting piece and I tend to prefer Freeverse also. Content is more important than style to me but style helps the magic reach the rest of us. Critiques of style are something like advising people on their wedding plans or on how to raise their unborn child, at the end of the day it is their wedding and their child. But maybe they will remember a single sentence of what you said and put it to good effect.

Consider this quote from Atticus for example:

Love is diving headfirst into someone else's confusion and finding that it all makes sense

There is no rhyme or rhythm but I love it and it is powerful. If I leave even a few snippets of wisdom, like this, in the poems I write, I will die a happy man.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the content, wanting to hear your soul speak

But generally, numbers under twenty are written out.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4774200

Review of The Elemental Chronicles

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello, Davejesi

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "The Elemental Chronicles"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A creation myth provides the background for a cosmic battle between dark and light. The battle seemed won with the triumph of the Elemental Kingdom, but now this has fallen and someone has summoned the powers of the dark Lord Noxithar to destroy all that Illuminous has created. Can Blaze Flamestrike save the day in fulfillment of prophecy?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You borrow from various religions here including Zoroastrianism juxtaposing light and darkness. That religion also posits a savior figure who comes and rescues the day at the end of time. Your Christian heresy is the dualistic Manichaeism. Various Hindu epics also explore this battle between good and evil and Chinese Taoism balances light and dark, yin and yang also. So there is nothing new under the sun whatever names we dress our new presentations in.

I got a little confused by your account, I would assume Illuminous created the world but the implication in paragraph 2 is that Noxithar did.

Your five basic elements contrast with Greek and Asian mythologies which use space or aether instead of lightning.

If some of the elementals died then how can the five reunite to defeat evil?

This reads a little like a Star Wars epic and I imagine Blaze carries a lightsaber.

Mechanical issues

This is a draft of a more ambitious plan but it needs a lot of work and is a little confusing at the moment.

Generally, numbers under twenty should be written out.

You use an omniscient narrator to tell us about the universe and the conflicts contained in it. But this does not make the characters come alive in the way that a show rather than tell format would do. Maybe you could rewrite from the perspective of Blaze thinking through the stories he has been told and interacting with some of the evil forces arrayed against him.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773844

Review of The Abyss and the Anchor"

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, True Echo

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "The Abyss and the Anchor""

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Trapped inside a dark bubble of his own creation the poet is aware that he is living inside a fabricated delusion and is looking for a way out...

Commentary

We are altoften the architects of our demise, self-sabotaging the possibility of life, love and truth in our experience. This poem explores that self created darkness, pushes at its boundaries looking for the light that might betray exits from dark caverns of despair, self-doubt and self-pity. Sometimes our thinking process itself is the problem and we need to get out of our own heads and back on to the path by which we can restore what was lost. Maybe now is not the time to reason why but rather just to choose a positive path and walk it into the sunlight of actions. Let thought follow will into the daylight of a new dawn. Even in the darkest night there's always hope to reignite.

Mechanical issues

Some of the phrasing seemed a little old fashioned e.g. fray

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773502

Review of Spices, Jerk, and Chili

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, StephBee

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Spices, Jerk, and Chili "

via the entry list for the WDC contest. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Derice and Junior are inseparable and enthused about California. Derice meets Barbie and his cousin worries he might no longer have time for him. They start a food business with a food truck and Jamaican Jerk is a hit. Junior meets Suzie and then there is a food competition...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Junior is the younger cousin in the shadow of the older Derice. It is Derice who gets a girlfriend first and it is his product that the business sells. He is thinking about marriage and is ambitious to succeed. Suzie seems to be the background star here awakening a potential in Junior that he was not aware of himself.

I love the ending which rebalances the scales and brings Junior out of the shadows. That they remain friends even after the role reversal is testimony to the positive relationship and their shared endeavor in the business. Indeed both the women and the men are friends before and after. It is a peaceful revolution of circumstances which is generally the best kind to have.

Thanks for an uplifting read.

Mechanical issues

Nothing major to say here.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773499

Review of Twilight of the Gods

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Beholden

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Twilight of the Gods"

via the entry list for the WDC contest. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

As the aristocracy fades and the wild encroaches upon their estates the sounds of revolution can be heard in the cities. The mob approaches and one man, the groundsman, John, stands ready to face them. But what could he say to stop the violent march of history...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Congratulations on your success with this story. I loved the very human way that you made the clash of the old and the new come alive. The story reminded me of the last days of the French aristocracy before the angry mob guillotined them except these aristocrats, at least the wife, were not the useless hangers-on of Versailles after the sun king. Then I thought this might have been a scene set in Britain except the civil war was pre-"telly" and did not include a massacre of aristocrats. The name Gunga Din dates the story after the nineteenth century, the chosen names of the Duke and Duchess make it sound British rather than Russian where the aristocracy was decimated.

Despite the feeling of historical rootlessness I finally concluded it did not matter. The main point was about the character of John and his faithful service to a family that had done much good down the generations. It reminded me of the organic gentleness of historical change that has characterized the British experience since the Civil War. We still have kings and aristocrats and they are no longer as central to our lives as they were, but there is no need to chop off their heads and to burn their houses down as we have simply grown alongside them and so the land is not stained in blood. It is people like John that have managed that transition.

Good story and a rebuke to the history of more revolutionary countries like Russia and France that still live with the wounds and instability of their abrupt and violent changes.

Mechanical issues

Thanks for making such an assessment unnecessary, a well-written piece.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773495

Review of Why?

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Fyn

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Why?"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

The poem describes the joy of writing, comparing it to special moments like Christmas morning, a newborn child in an adoring mother's arms, and a child's first visit to a beach. The pains that went into the creation of a printed book are nothing compared to the feeling of creation, growth, and the pleasure of opening eyes to a world more marvelous than could have been grasped had we not written.

Commentary

I have written a great many books now, which are legacy for my children and have helped with my preaching role, though the whole publishing and marketing effort that follows that act of creation seems a little anti-climatic and I am slower on that front. Your poem is a reminder of the simple joy of creation and how our eyes and those of others have been opened to a wider world by the act of writing.

I did a study on Job recently in the bible for a sermon. God's answer to Job, and all the pains inflicted on him, has often puzzled me in the last few chapters of that book. God reminded Job of the complexity and wonder of His created works. Only the blind could question God's competency in running the universe when every step through this life, even the most painful ones, was through such wonders. Is the writer's task to open eyes to reasons for joy and wonder, reasons that would never have been glimpsed without the pains experienced on the writer's journey?

Thanks for your poem which was positive and uplifting.

Mechanical issues

Freeverse.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773492

Review of It Wasn't My Fault

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Jameson Rehm

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "It Wasn't My Fault"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

It wasn't Russel Dawkin's fault or was it?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You write this in the first person conscious that your mother might be reading along. Or is that just a way to try and convince your reader that you too are a human being? The memory of meeting Karen, eight years your junior, and the move to take pizza together after a few drinks are all remembered. But you did not even ask her name until in a shared cab together. Everything is still normal and human, having pizza with friends with the possibility of moving back to her place. Then there is a moment of unexplained blankness when she goes down an alleyway and never returns. A brutal murder is referred to but not the motive and the perpetrator is kept mysterious. We are missing the weapon though it sounds like something sharp as the body was cleaved into five pieces. The denial is repeated and the details are blanked out. It wasn't your fault because it could not have been your fault. But the police will still ask their questions and what other explanation could there be when the alley was empty of all but the two of you?

I liked this even if the subject matter was a little dark. That you leave the true verdict as to what happened hanging is a provocative and interesting ending.

Mechanical issues

I guess it depends one on which side you look at the situation from

my names Russell Dawkins - possessive - did your mom not know this?

I guess I tell you all this because [,] well, I’m writing... - comma

quillbot.com or Grammarly can help identify missing commas, inappropriate tenses, unnecessary words, failure to close brackets, and spelling mistakes e.g. Iphone is iPhone. Possessive requires apostrophe

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4772872

Review of The Writer's Stairway

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Jaye P. Marshall

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "The Writer's Stairway"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Dick has always written and always aspired to be a great writer, but up until now success has eluded him. Why is that?

Commentary

Writing about writing on a writer's site you share some interesting insights with writers.

This piece triggered a few memories of how it all began in my case. I remember being published in a local newspaper several times at around ten years of age for short stories and poems.

Your piece described the agony of rejection, which is the staple diet of most writers. We learn from the feedback we get and try and improve our art. But I wonder if just wanting to be a writer for its own sake is as important a goal as having something you want your readers to hear.

The publication process is antiquated and needs an overall. It misses too much talent and is controlled by a small pool of often arrogant and misguided agents and publishers who are desperately competing with each other in a tough marketplace. They are trying to read what works but what works is not always something that they can grasp. Often they promote the wrong people and miss the right ones. On the other hand these days there is always Amazon which is relatively painless so long as you do not mind doing your own publicity and marketing.

Making your audience feel is the all-important connection with the reader People read emotions in novels and enjoy the rollercoaster ride the author takes them on. I wrote something recently that got me a whole load of positive comments, but I later realized only from men. Then my daughter read it and took the whole piece apart and now I feel compelled to rewrite whole sections of my original work. Our readers are part of the reason we write and our engagement with them means the writer's task is never done.

Mechanical issues

After 77 reviews this piece has little/nothing to be corrected so I focused on the content.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4772862

Review of Funny World

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Winchester Jones

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Funny World"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A man on the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge is contemplating ending it all following the death of his daughter. But then a dog chases a cat into his arms...

Commentary

The description made me think this was going to be a funny story but the first paragraph corrected that impression immediately. You wrote in the first person as if recounting your own experience and described the death of a daughter which would be harrowing for anyone. So suddenly the theme was deadly serious and it was clear you were considering jumping, which from that height would have been deadly.

But then along comes the cat and dog. Being a cat person I could relate to the cat, its fear and its faith that somehow you would provide protection drove it into your arms.

It was very interesting to hear that almost no one ever jumps on the dark side of the bridge facing away from the lights.

Anyway, I liked the ending and the name you gave to the cat. There is always hope.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4772861

Review of Saving the World

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, ShmrGray

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Saving the World"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A broody teenager, an ogre who bakes ( but don't ask what is in his pies), a fish in boots with no eyes, and John and Lydia are hoping to save the world. They have a few hurdles to overcome...

Commentary

This was a funny collection of one-liners from disparate characters who might never find a way to come together as a team. The threat to the world is unspecified but it does not matter as the plan requires a car engine that has been stolen.

Favorite lines included:

"I ain't touching the damn sewers in these boots!" This was screamed by a blind fish with giant eyes.

Also, "Sheesh, calm down, lady," the teenager muttered, rolling his eyes.

How the characters communicate and in what language is unspecified but the conversation is circular and it seems the A-Team lacks a van.

Very funny thanks.

Mechanical issues

It was not clear who was speaking a lot of the time. For example "I hate you" sounds like a teenager talking. However, given the emotional nature of the fish, the frustration in Lydia and the fact that John might be seeing his plan fall apart right now, it could have been someone else.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4771651

Review of Never So Alone (c. 11,000 words)

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello, Joto-Kai

. This is a review of "Never So Alone (c. 11,000 words)"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Can people who have survived because of the technologies they have incorporated into their existence find reasons for hope in the ruins of the rebel hybrid world they have created? The Terran Empire reigns supreme governed by an Indur elite and policed by drones that enforce licensing laws and imperial authority alike. Can Caleb unlock his heart before its license expires?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You introduce a lot of characters and groups in the first few paragraphs. The names are empty abstractions at first and the sheer volume of names is confusing. So Ob17 and Eradis canons for example mean nothing to me when first mentioned and distracted from the crucial flow of the text in the first few paragraphs.

Eventually, we discover that Ob17 is a doctor drone, with a purple metal head, as they dig him out of the mess in the medical center. The Eradi are the dumbbots that came from the death moon and are on the other side of the civil war commanded by the Indur - refugees from justice from many centuries before. They are fighting the ancient Terran Empire ruled by "people" with 'thousand-pound steel hooves' whose consciousness has been uploaded for the sake of immortality.

Caleb is the main character here. He has a heart pump fitted but the power pack only seems to last ten years for this and time is running out and he needs medical attention to unlock his heart. But replacing his heart requires a legal resolution of licensing issues which is impossible since the relevant corporations no longer exist. Caleb is facing his death as the timebomb in his chest will expire in ten days.

Bigrath is the beautiful sidekick with a huge angry face and appears to me massive compared to Caleb who is quite small. The definition of beauty is defined by Caleb without any appeal to the reader.

Scarlett is a mindwitch with red hair and eyes that change color from green to blue to purple and back again. Maybe she is indeed a little too xeno to grab an audience connection. In such a technological world her psychic abilities are unexplained.

The plot begins in the ruins of a medical center and shifts to a ruined cafe on the rebel planet of Larrikesh. Then suddenly we are ten years in the past and there is an Indur (the enemy?) standing there with a massive dumbot and Scarlett is speaking with him and then Caleb is trying to rush the Indur in a suicide attack and Scarlett stops him, thereby saving his life. The relationship with Scarlett (or is Scarlett with a number and is she just another drone?) begins again ten years later when she is chased by bots demanding her decommissioning. Caleb saves her by taking a ring that has a button to give her pain.

There is a long convoluted discussion about hope in desperate circumstances and then Caleb's heart expires and he dies and Scarlett is left alone again remembering those she has loved and lost.

Overall I found the plot a little abstract. The world you described was too alien for me. I was desperately looking for connection points with reality. The idea of cyborg humans and domination by an immortal elite who ultimately upload their consciousness and are more soulless machines than humans is a disturbing one. But this is not an egalitarian Borg vision where every drone has his value to the collective but rather an elitist one that models Earth's inequality to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.

Is it even possible to fuse chips and flesh in this manner? We have little idea as to what consciousness and the soul are, let alone being able to graft these things into the machines our hands have made. The vision is of doomed human/machine hybrids looking for hope in the ruins of a rebel planet Larrikesh. The story is situated in a universe dominated by imperial Indurs and drones enforcing corporate licensing laws. It is not a world I would want to live in. It needs a redeeming feature but instead, we have a spooky mindwitch, Scarlett, a ronin Indur, who is not even fully human and Caleb, who is, but whose mechanical heart pump is about to expire.

Can human beings find a reason to live in a world when the technologies they built for their survival control the fact of their existence? Where is God and where is meaning in such a world? Suicide and death are such dominating issues where the voice of eternity has been silenced by the efforts at survival of an Indur elite that grows less and less human and more filled with regret with every passing century.

Mechanical issues

Focused on content, this was too long for a considered review.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4771096

Review of it's about removing the layers

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Chico Mahalo

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "it's about removing the layers"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A funny story about a dysfunctional Jewish family celebrating Thanksgiving.

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

For such a short piece you achieved a great deal by crafting some interesting characters and major plot twists into the story.

I was not aware that Jews celebrated Thanksgiving. At first, I thought it might have a religious echo in the Feast of t# the Harvest/Firstfruits/Weeks but it seems observance is mainly secular in American homes.

The author is the main character here and the piece is written in the first person. None of the other characters, actually present are named but are rather addressed by the familial titles: Papa, Sis, and Nana.

Nana is depressive, in and out of psychiatric care. Papa is a born-again Christian who mimics tongues by speaking in Yiddish and who carries non-poisonous snakes to demonstrate his Christian credentials. But his Jewish Nana seems immune to his deceptions and stereotypes about Christians are as plentiful here as are those about Jews. For example, I know a large slice of the American Christian community insists that the best version of the bible is the King James but the Revised King James, NASB, and even RSV are better-sourced translations. Also, Christians generally never talk about snakes and evangelists' immunity to snake bites, so I guess this is just something that Rabbis just like to mock.

I put the Yiddish into Google Translate and got a result:

Mamzar, a fan of the magazine, Nafqa, Narsh, active, Jefflij, we miss you, we adore you, maturity is like a fragment, fragment, what is it, Mir?

Yiddish or Yiddish gibberish? Maybe tongues is not so strict on grammar and it would make better sense with some commas and periods?

I guess the snake refers to the bible theme of being bitten but not dying.

When Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks and put them on the fire, a viper came out because of the heat and fastened on his hand. When the native people saw the creature hanging from his hand, they said to one another, “No doubt this man is a murderer. Though he has escaped from the sea, Justice has not allowed him to live.” He, however, shook off the creature into the fire and suffered no harm. Acts 28:3-5

Sis is the character who keeps things real and brings the family back to the purpose of their gathering.

The dialog and dry humorous reflections here were hilarious. Store-bought Pecan Pie in a glass dish, as if a smooth shave will make much difference. Tofurky is I guess some kind of Vegan/vegetarian alternative to meat.

I don't you would have to be a Jew to have so many antisemitic tropes in the story but they were amusing nonetheless.

Mechanical issues

You need to be consistent with the capitalization of familial titles like Papa, Nana, and Sis. Sis is in lowercase on several occasions.

You double-spaced around the first tongues/Yiddish section.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4771087

Review of Beating the Heat

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Amethyst Angel 🌼

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Beating the Heat"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Has Kevin discovered the solution to global warming? Benny has his doubts...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

I have been feeling a little jaded recently about reviewing but I loved this and it woke me from my slumber.

Kevin is the mad scientist and Benny is his faithful and wiser assistant. This was only 300 words and so an explanation of how the composition of worldwide aircraft fuel resources can be complemented by this, without inspectors of worldwide fuel storage tanks noticing, is beside the point.

Sodium Perchlorate is highly toxic and indeed explosive. Combining it with aluminum it is used for rocket-fuel and fireworks. I suppose the aluminum would be the agent that deoxygenated the carbon dioxide by extracting the oxygen from it. But I wonder if combining it with aircraft fuel might cause an explosion.

Some better ways of doing this can be found here:
https://www.wri.org/insights/6-ways-remove-carbon-...

Thanks for an amusing piece of writing

Mechanical issues

Nothing major found.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4769925

Review of Obsession

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello, sindbad

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Obsession"

via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Jenna takes a taxi back home from the office and then Shaun and her go to a party.

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

This is told in a narrator's voice which does not make things easy for a reader. We have timeshifts from a taxi, bringing Jenna back from work, to the morning when Jenna was in bed, and then to a future party. There is no dialog and the style is sometimes too clever. By that I mean the word games, in the elaborate descriptions here, get a little confusing.

How is a taxi a 'junked yellow mantrap clanking' for example? I mean a taxi might be yellow and old and make noises but why does that make it a mantrap? I found myself getting quite obsessed with that phrase and it completely broke the flow of the text for me.

Cold beer on a hot day gets a wet effect on the outside. But here you describe it as a muggy day and like sweat. Again that image jarred and I found it confusing.

Jenna is described as an androgynous chain smoker who brings the ash into bed and looks a little like a page boy but is also perhaps a dryad. I found that image quite disturbing and confusing. Dryads live in the forest, full of life but kind of pagan. The pageboy reference had a gay vibe but jarred against the more feminine descriptions of long legs and pink tops. The description completely severed any emotional connection I had with Jenna. But the author's intention appears to be to present an attractive figure that will take us on with her to her party. I did not want to follow.

The Jenna character is thoughtless yet lives in her head. She is moved by words but no one speaks to her in the eloquent ways described here. There is no dialog and Shauns barked instructions are only about the motor function of going from A to B. She is insubstantial and moves from event to event smelling like cigarette smoke. Life is a blur as she flits from person to person and event to event.

Did the description fit the piece? Jenna lives in the moment but the party seems like an afterthought in the text.

Was the purpose of this piece to be a character assassination of a person you did not like? It read to me like an elaborate put-down, from a talented writer, who in this piece went over the top with his long unbroken, and confusing sentences.

Mechanical issues

glistening with sweat, reflecting light of [off] its dark, slender fluid body

Words, words have always been the glistening beings dancing inside her, furry glowing animals that promise an elongated plateau of languidness, connected to the spaces the world doesn’t give away every day, hidden caves where the mind is at one with the motion of time and beyond it, where the advent of life, its blue after-trail is always within the palm, words that dissolve all the frozen stuff inside Jenna, into one ceaseless, incandescent ball of energy flowing out, in immaculate conception, like the ordered chaos of fractals. - The sentence was too long and needs to be broken up. We may have different ideas about the use of the phrase immaculate conception here. She is full of these words but does not speak. She burns in the moment but her energy is all within, it does not find a reflection in anyone else's face or life. I could not decide if this was brilliant or gibberish.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4767086

Review of Silent Witness

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Amethyst Angel 🌼

. This is a review of "Silent Witness"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Luke gets his dream car on his 18th birthday from his father. It is a Charger like the Police drive and very fast. It is also the perfect car to take Tracy out on a date. Tracy's father is a drunk and one night things come to a head and she is ready to leave. Luke and Tracy drive onto the open road. They are full of hope...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

The car is personified in this story and appears thrilled to fulfill its design specifications and to make its master/mistress happy. It has the character of a powerful servant, protecting promoting and facilitating its master's interests.

Tracy is a girl from the black stuff, tutored by the experience of a drunk father and the poverty of her home environment. She wants to make good, gets a job and earns enough to get an apartment. She gets promoted and is going places.

Luke does not perform outside of his hometown. He dreamt of fast cars and impressing girls but did not work on the substantial things needed to make that happen. He fails to get a job and history repeats itself for Tracy as he turns into someone very like her father.

The plot is close to the sentiment of the song. The highway offers redemption and the hope of a new life. If we just drive away we can find our promised land and everything can be made good. But it is also realistic in that these dreams do not always work out. In this story, the American dream of meritocratic achievement is realized by Tracy while Luke falls from a more privileged position. His parents do not bail him out of his addiction but rather give the car to Tracy. In practice, social mobility has declined massively in recent decades in the USA. The rich stay rich and bail out their children, even when hopeless addicts and the poor grow poorer. The gap widens and inequality grows.

I liked the story but wondered why it is always the man who ends up the bad guy. Is that real life, my experience is more the other way around.

Thanks for letting me review this and good luck with the contest. This was a very good story and stands a strong chance of winning.

Mechanical issues

Nothing major was found.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4764525

Review of Run for the Roses (Chapter 1 and 2)

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, Zeke

. This is a review of "Run for the Roses (Chapter 1 and 2)"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Thirteen-year-old Lauren an orphan, is the adopted niece of Shag Brimwell, a washed-out jockey/horse owner. Motivated by a contract, signed in crayon, from when she was ten she bids for a filly, with money that might not be there, against the evil, filthy rich, John Henry Johnson. She names her horse Abbey after her dead mother, but when has a filly ever won the Derby?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This was well over the word limit for a normal by-invitation review. But I found it quite engaging.

Lauren is the star here, she is clear-headed and determined and knows what she wants. She keeps Shag together and gets the horse. She has preserved a contract written in crayon down the years and even though no ten-year-old can sign a legal document she gets what she wants from Shag.

Shag seems to be the disgraced former success who might have been framed for doping a horse that fell and broke its legs. The death of his sister and the failure of his career appear to have left him without a clue about what to do with his life and an alcohol problem.

John Henry Johnson is the rich guy everybody loves to hate, who owns everything and for whom money is a tool of power and malice. He uses people and horses to get what he wants and seems to have no morals.

Jock is the rich grandfather who is about to lose the ranch unless he can get a Filly to win the Derby.

The story flowed nicely and I found the dialog engaging. There are the mysteries of where John Henry Johnson got his money and the circumstances of the doping scandal that ruined Shag. There is also the hope that a thirteen-year-old can create a Derby winner out of Filly that she named after her dead mother.

I was a little confused as to whether these were jockeys or horse owners. Jockeys are usually small and short and so the descriptions seemed at odds with that.

The scene by the grave was very moving.

It seems quite obvious that Abey Angel is going to win the Derby - indeed you tell us that in the prologue so we already know how the book ends. You have a clear villain on John Henry Johnson who has already demonstrated he has no morals - I wonder what he will do to frustrate Lauren's plans.

Mechanical issues

You might want to run this through quillbot as there were missing commas, fullstops, some capitalization issues, use of passive voice.

Quotes should surround periods and commas e.g.
“John Henry Johnson”, Shag mutters. - “John Henry Johnson," Shag mutters.

Shags cheeks bulge. - Possessive so Shag's cheeks

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4764524

Review of Remember Today

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Lizzie Basking in the Sun

. This is a review of "Remember Today"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A wife shares how she is slowly losing her husband to dementia.

Commentary

What a beautiful sorrowful poem. Some 10% of people will suffer from Dementia and although with better understanding and healthcare this percentage is declining an aging global population increases the numbers. In this poem a wife who married "for better or worse, in sickness or health..." keeps her vows to her husband and cares for him even as he forgets her and the life that they shared. She is the perfect caregiver motivated by love, not greed. One of those hidden saints that the world does not reward nor esteem but who are rich in heavenly treasures.

A major feature of the poem is the reorientation of the author's perception of time from the future to the present and past. Occasional glimpses of the man whom her husband once was may brighten her day before he disappears into the fog once more. But the future is no longer a broad open horizon.

"Sometimes, tomorrow doesn't come...progress is despairing rain"

There is much to be celebrated in this poem. In an age of divorce and marriage breakup, the poem speaks of an enduring connection between two people. The husband never betrays the wife and the wife remains loyal enduring the terrible agony of his loss as he slips away. He has the better deal here as he slips away in blissful ignorance of the suffering he leaves behind. They sit quietly in the moment, together in a romantic bubble, while the quality of that is degraded by time and age. There is a personal tragedy here but also a witness to the best of marriages and to a commitment sadly lacking in many others.

Being a religious person I could understand the agony of the loss and also the commitment of the wife but thought the poem was also too trapped inside the immediacy of the experience. There will be a resurrection, a restoration and so the horizon remains open to eternity and there is never a reason for despair. There is a wider community and family here that can share the pain and it need not be all on the woman. Like Abraham gave up the son he loved, to sacrifice, so also we sometimes must give up the things we have clung to our whole lives to receive them back again, all shiny and new. God is the great repair man but we need to trust Him for the people we love. We all die but shall all be raised some to eternal life and some to the other place.

Mechanical issues

This was a freeverse structured around the thoughts expressed in individual sentences.

Strictly speaking, progress is seen in a positive vein, not as one- so this line needs altering:

Progress is seen as [in] a positive vein

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4759533

Review of The Drive-in Banshees

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, foxtale

. This is a review of "The Drive-in Banshees"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Ben a veteran Marine pilot from WW2 and Korea settles down in Surburbia after the war to raise a family with his wife Betty. They have seven boys whom he heroically drives to a drive-in cinema for a horror movie on Saturday night...

Commentary

It is so important to remember the characters we loved and who formed us. As you wrote in your introduction the pace of change is accelerating and the places and memories we have are being overwritten. Orchards are replaced by subdivisions and drive-in movie theaters with shopping malls. But in stories like this, those precious moments that helped define us can live on.

You built the scene very well and I could imagine driving into the theater. You even mentioned the bullies and mosquitoes, important details that defined a climate, context, and culture.

After the excitement of war and important missions to save the world from tyranny, life in suburbia could have seemed restful or a little boring to many. In this story, a man who has seen and indeed inflicted horror in war is presented with make-believe fears in a movie. I doubt very much that it would have been that terrifying to him. Instead, we get a glimpse of the kind of playful resilience and humor that would have gotten him through years of war. Hooting the horn at precisely the right moment would cost no lives, but have the Banshees running for their lives from the terror. I could imagine a man laughing at that and then wondering how he was going to explain his actions to his wife and sons let alone all the drivers parked behind him.

These days the seven sons would be on Netflix on separate mobiles watching different kinds of movies and it just would not be the same nor indeed ever produce the effect of having them all run in the same direction

Mechanical issues

And the only operational logistics they now faced were the competing demands on their time by from Little League, swim meets, Scouts, and neighborhood barbecues

transferred into to the U.S. Marines.

Subsequently he was called back into service, piloting a Corsair, providing close air support in the Korean War. - comma after Subsequently

Edgar Allen Poe's “Fall of the House of Usher” starring Vincent Price,
- Usher," starring...

wheel hub...... - convention is three dots

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4754747

Review of Swallowed

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hello, Ton

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Swallowed"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A demon attack on his home village of Eldridge leaves Elias an orphan. With the other refugees, he finds sanctuary in Willowbrook. Along with Finn, his best friend, he trains under the tutelage of Thorne to become a warrior and protector of his people. But a warrior's life includes losses and...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This piece reminded me a little of Vietnam veterans who went to war with heads full of God, nation, family, and apple pie and came back drug-addled nihilists with thousand-yard stares. War can brutalize people and make a return to normality impossible. Also, when it is your sword that wins the security that you crave, when that security is overthrown you must find ways to become stronger still. It is this aspiration for power that leads Elias to the dark side. A tortured German war veteran from the trenches on the Western front becomes a staunch Nazi. A proud Jedi becomes a monstrous Sith and is thrown out of his village to roam the world alone, rotting and in despair.

Finn, Anya, Lila, Bran and Mara sounded like more positive characters and it was a shame you did not develop them more in this piece. Their motivations seemed purer and even if you eventually still killed them off as casualties or sacrifices that would be all the more powerful for having had the reader connect with them first.

The ending here seemed rushed compared with the beginning, where you showed the reader what you were talking about with descriptions and feelings and better articulated the context. By the end, you become the omniscient narrator reciting a sequence of events to bring the story to a finish. It felt a little like the structure of something not properly fleshed out.

Mechanical issues

Passive voice is an issue in this text. Active voice is more engaging.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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