|I understand that you have worked very hard on this story, but you need some more work on English and the rules of grammar to make this story workable. I also understand that English is a second language and I applaud you for attempting to write in a language that is foreign to you. I could never even try to write a story in Chinese, German, or Hindu or any other language than English. Now to the story: Your opening paragraph does nothing to set the stage and you introduce a character "Herriot" with whom you took too long to explain his relationship to Justin and his son, and when you did, it was in an obviously contrived way. You used dialog as a means of describing your character's relationship. Instead of going through all the convoluted gyrations of using dialog like " I am Justin and you are Herriot, right? My grand-dad?" You could have had Justin come up quietly behind Herriot and simply say "Grandpa Herriot?" Now the reader knows immediately what their relationship is.
Another area that needs work is:
He made Justin stretch his hand and wore a wrist watch around his thin hand.
This sentence makes no sense and needs to be rewritten something like this: "He made Justin reach out his small arm and he placed a delicate watch on his thin wrist."
"Have this with you... Annie gave this to me... it is all I can give you"
This sentence is very awkward English and needs to be rewritten something like this: "Take this. Grandmother Annie gave it to me . . . it is all I can give you."
"Granny gave this to you?"
"Why is this broken in the dial?" This is another awkward English sentence and should be rewritten: Justin looked at the watch and his brow furrowed. "The dial is broken," said Justin.
A long silence followed.
"It broke in the accident that ate Annie up", he said finally finding voice out of his somber. This is an example of using an inappropriate idiom, and inappropriate use of a dialog tag. It should be rewritten something like this: "It was broken in the accident that killed Grandmother Annie." The reader knows that Herriot is responding to Justin so there is no need for a dialog tag at the end.
These are just a few of the problems I spotted. Again, I applaud your efforts to write a short story in English, but you need to study the rules of grammar to make your writing clearer and more understandable. There are, if I remember, some free classes on this site that will cost you nothing but some point. If you don't have enough points, the monetary cost is very minimal. I hope I have not caused you to be discouraged. You have a definite talent for story-telling, you just need to hone your English language and grammar skills. Only lots of practice can help in that. Here are a thousand points which should be more than enough to get you enrolled in one of the writing classes offered here on WDC. Good luck in your writing endeavors, and whatever you do, keep on writing . . . Lynn