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512 Public Reviews Given
557 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Survivor Child  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression:When I read your poems I feel as if I've found a message in a bottle that has come from a distant place and has washed ashore. As if you were sending your messsage hoping that it would be found and perhaps the poem will touch the heart of the receiver. It has.

What I liked:Your message that no matter what, the real person inside, the little light that never flickers out will shine through.

What I disliked:Nothing.

Spelling/GrammarWell-written and edited.

Suggestions/CommentsI cannot think of a suggestgion that would be instructive or improve the poem.


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102
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression:I enjoyed the poem realizing that you have to hammer it out quickly.


What I liked:What I really enjoyed was the link to Stromboli island. Quite an amazing place.


Suggestions/CommentsMy only comment is that enjoy learning about something that I have never known before. Thank you for sharing. Lynn


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Review of No Greater Love  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression:An excellent portrayal of the Passion. Well written and insightful.

What I liked:The weaving of the Evil One into the piece to show how he thought he was orchestrating the whole event.

What I disliked:Not a thing.

Spelling/GrammarNo problems.

Suggestions/CommentsNo suggestions. You have the ability to go from deep philosophical musings to the comedic and all in between. A rare gift that I hope you exploit to the fullest. Warmest Regards, Lynn


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Review of You are You  
Review by Gunny
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Overall Impression:Well written and humorous. A good read and appropriate for this generation of Seuss babies.

What I liked:The whole concept of going to Dr. Seuss for help with the two yous.

What I disliked:The fact that he copped out with the weed and didn't really face the underlying problem. (OK, I'm a poop-head*Frown*)

Spelling/GrammarNo problems. Well written, well-edited

Suggestions/CommentsNo suggetions. I'm in awe of your ability to make the most of any situation. Warmest Regards, Lynn


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Review of Grace  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression:I enjoyed reading this poem because it made me stop and think as I was reading. It wasn't light and fluffy by any means.

What I liked:That I had to reflect on what was written and really
try to understand what was in the writer's mind. Once I contemplated on the words and images, I felt I had a deeper understanding of life and death.

What I disliked:Nothing.

Spelling/GrammarNo problems. Well edited.

Ending:Well done. I liked the two-line change up.

Suggestions/CommentsNo suggetions other than keep writing, you have a talent that is waiting to be loosed on the general public.


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106
Review by Gunny
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Overall Impression:Basically, this was the funniest, laugh-out-loud story I've read in a long time. I used to be an avid outdoorsman and I could picture this entire episode just as it occured. Very well written.

Opening:Great opening. It gives a hint of what's going to take place on this innocent little outing with the children.

Characters & Dialogue:Superb, especially the diaper-hanging two-year old with bits and pieces of the forest floor stuck to his face. I loved the Lord of The Flies scene.

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:Only one minor spot. "...couldn't tell if it was (a) guy or a woman's idea."

Plot:Incidious, wicked, evil. Oh the inhumanity of it all *Smile*

Ending:Poor vicky, she is emotionally scarred for life, no doubt. A delightful piece and great ending. As I was reading this piece this morning, I burnt the toast, and the eggs. I could smell something burning but I was thinking maybe that's just Vicky's sweater. Omigosh, my eggs!!

Suggestions for Improvement:This is ready for publication in probably a hundred different magazines. It needs the language cleaned up for the family type mags like Reader's Digest though. Great piece, I'll definetely read more of your port. Lynn



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Gunny


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Review of Ken  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this poem. It has inspired me to write a poem that will express my feelings about my brother's death. I love to go back to the town where he lived for the last 50 years and stroll along the sidewalks we walked together. It seems I can feel his presence very close to me whenever I go there.
An excellent example of how poetry can strike a chord in the reader's heart. Thank you for sharing. Lynn
108
108
Review of Utopian Family?  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression:Basically a sad story that is all too familiar today. Father was fine as long as you were his little girl, dependent on him. As soon as you showed your independence, he became hostile. Probably taking his frustration out on you since your mother no longer cared about what he said. This is a classic case of a dysfunctional family.

Opening:Good opening, you kept the interest going which encouraged me to keep reading. You gave specific examples which helped me as a reader to understand what your father's motivations were. I can't imagine the hurt that your mother caused you by her stupid statement that you were a mistake.

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:There were several spelling problems:
1st Para: definately s/b definitely.
2nd Para: A father that nice s/b that's.
...bad temper s/b bad tempered.
3rd Para: ...parents divorce s/b parent's divorce.
4th Para: I was fantisized s/b fantasized. Wrong use of word. Did you
mean fascinated or I got into the fantasy of the game?
...everything seemed to...s/b too.
...at first it was all fun in games s/b fun and games.
...but then i started s/b I.

Ending:Feeling of helplessness with only the hope of things getting better instead of you taking the bull by the horns and making sure that your life no longer depends on what your father thinks of you. A story of a girl who reacts to external stimuli in a negative way then beats herself up for it.

Suggestions for Improvement:This is your story and it is no doubt the way you interpret it. It made a very good read. I would write the ending the way you really want your life to be, depicting yourself as taking the necessary steps to break free of the dysfunctional and negative environment you are presently in. Fantasize an outcome that you would really like even though it seems unlikely to happen today. Thank you for sharing your story. Lynn



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Gunny


109
109
Review of "Run Stevie Run"  
Review by Gunny
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Impression:Very good imagry and the feeling of fear was well maintained. Good tension and and exciting read.

Opening:I liked the opening but kept wondering what in the world the youngster was doing with this big sackfull of change by himself. But, I was able to suspend that thought as I get involved in the story.

Characters & Dialogue:Good characterization. As to dialoge, modern teachings suggest that you don't use a lot of slang as it distracts the reader's attention from the story. Anything that distracts the reader from that fine thread you are trying to weave around the reader as you pull him into your story should be avoided.

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:A couple of problems I spotted:

(1) Wherever you used hyphens such as "pick-a-fight" and in "f-you-up" you need to take them out. These are not compound nouns such as in "red-headed boy.

(2) The monkey can do it two? Do you mean "too" or "in two"?

(3) I can neither remember [nor} imagine...


Plot:Although I don't believe the piece was intended to have a plot line, it nevertheless developed one on the way. That being, You have to live with your decisions.

Ending:I thought the ending a surprise. I felt sure the kid would somehow get out of his jam. A good way to end a story, that is, the reader expects to go one place, the writer doesn't take him there.

Suggestions for Improvement:I really enjoyed reading this piece. This could definitely used as a scene in a novel or novelette. Good job! *Smile*



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Gunny


110
110
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
First rate! Your imagry was wonderful and it was a sweet poem. I could feel the mother's love oozing out of the words. When read aloud, the tempo was good. I hope to see more soon. Keep writing.
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Review of Pearl  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression:An interesting tale about an interesting person - Pearl. I've been to NYC many times and I've met some very interesting characters in that same park. When you mentioned the Flatiron Building, it brought me right back to those days. (Though I thought it was on 23rd St.)
Only reason I remember that is because, I read somewhere that the winds swirl around it's odd shape causing women's skirts to fly up, and in the 20's young men used to hang out in front of the building hoping to catch the sight of bare legs. The cops would chase them off saying "skidoo!" Thus the old saying "23 skidoo". I thought it was a nice read, well-paced and very entertaining.

Opening:The opening was comfortable reading, typical of a visitor to NYC morning where you go out for coffee, and find a bench to watch the people.
No doubt, you were going to see something or someone of interest.

Characters & Dialogue:Very well done. You concentrated on one character throughout the story, always keeping her in the reader's mind. Dialogue was smooth and believable, never forced or contrived.

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:No problem with that.

Plot:This was not a plot-driven piece but if there was an overall theme I would say it's that you can't judge a book by its cover.

Ending:Unusual and not what I expected. Very good writing. Never take your reader where he expects to go.

Suggestions for Improvement:I only have one nit to pick. The use of the modifier 'little' for children seems redundant. Young children, or older children would be better in my opinion. Everyone knows that children are little. Other than than, an excellent piece. You have obviously put a lot of work into it. Warmest Regards, Lynn



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Gunny


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112
Review of The Caretaker  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (4.5)
Overall Impression:A pleasant story depicting two people very much in love.

Openening:"middle-aged" and "pleasant-faced" must have an em dash between them. The opening itself sets up the rest of the story nicely. Both are anxious to get home before the pain kicks in.

Characters & Dialogue:I love the alliteration: "..route of rushing humanity." At some point, sooner or later, I'm going to steal that. *Smile*
Characters are flat. To help the reader get into the picture of your story, it's always a good idea to give some hint of what your characters look like, what the setting looks and smells like, in other words, try to use all of the sense organs to get your reader feeling he/she really is with you in the story. POV in this story is omniscient (God's eye view). Pretend that your reader is in another country and you are describing to her what you see, hear, taste and and smell in your story world.

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:I just noticed that you are putting all your punctuations outside the quotation marks...they must go inside.
Where the woman was mentally ticking off the miles...don't put quotes around the characters thoughts unless they are speaking them out loud. Italicize their thoughts, as in only thirty more miles... Another minor thing, where she says "Color," she exclaimed, "how I've missed color." you missed the quote mark before the word "how". (period outside of sentence here because "now" is not part of the sentence.)

Plot:Counting your blessings and God sending help when it's most needed is something we can all relate to.

Ending:Ending was appropriate and wrapped up in a pleasant way what started out to be a nasty affair with the flat tire in heavy traffic.


Suggestions for Improvement:I like the rhythm of your writing and the tone of your story is pleasant. Obviously you have put a lot of thought and work into writing this piece. I hope my comments on the technical points will help you to improve this piece. I like your stories a lot. Keep writing!



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Gunny


113
113
Review of In the shadows  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall Impression:A good beginning on a story. However, you need to work on your modifiers. Examples:
(1)Does cold modify frosty? Since it doesn't, Omit one or the other.
(2)At 3:30am is it morning, not night. Is the time important to the story? If not, you could create the imagry of darkness in other ways. How about: "It was a perfect night; moonless, starless, dimly-lit streets--ideal for the task at hand."
(3)The "figure" as you described as it should be described as a man or a woman. "It" could mean a cat or dog, an alien, a monkey, etc. Until you get to the point where "it" reaches under "its" black raincoat, we see it's a human. By the way, a black trenchcoat has a more mysterious sound than raincoat, don't you think? *Smile* It would much better if you didn't refer to your antagonist as "it." And if you made it a woman, this would really grab the reader's attention. I know you don't want to do that, but it's just to show how you could grab the reader's interest with an unexpected opening.
(4)You've modified the word terrace as being little but, compared to what? A little terrace with three houses on it brings an image of three very small houses, one almost on top of the other. I wonder if a simpler description of "a group of three well-maintained houses" would give a better image?
(5)Another poor use of the word "little" as a modifier for the flower beds. Careless use of modifiers actually distract the reader. Flower beds is good enough. And another use of "little" girl when you have already described her as a tiny form in the bed. Child would be a better word.

Remember you don't want to tell the reader every minute detail, let them use their own imagination. Whenever you want to use a modifier, make sure that what it modifies is important to the story, and you aren't using it just because it sounds good to you as a writer. *Smile*

Openening:The opening might be better if you described the child sleeping in her bed, then panning out to a person skulking (not creeping, that brings up the image of someone crawling on all fours)around the house. This sets up the scene much better because the reader knows that something bad is going to happen to the girl, who has a name, and looks like someone they might know.

Characters & Dialogue:Again, give your characters a little more flesh. Maybe even give the little girl a name, does she have blond curls, cupid bow's lips? Is the figure of the skulker tall or short? Are the eyes darting and unblinking? Again, avoid the "it" descriptor. "He" or "she" did this or that. If you want the reader to have any feeling one way or the other, you should also give a brief, introductory description of the kidnapper. I liked the image of the puffs of breath if you would have left off the modifier "little" *Smile*

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:Work on this sentence:
"As her body went limp, the figure lifted it and with the little girl its arms it exited through the window as silently as it had come."

Another way you could describe the character of the kidnapper is how he treats her unconscious body. Notice the difference in these two sentences that follow:

"As her body went limp, he grabbed her and slipped out the window as silently as he had come."

"As her body went limp, he carefully covered her with her blanket and cradeling her in his arm, he slipped out the window as silently as he had come."

You have a habit of using the word "it" as a catch-all. In this sentence, you used the word four times. The reader has to guess which "it" you are talking about.

One misspelled word "The little girls breath..." should be "girl's" to show possessive form of the word.

Plot:As this is just a snippet of your story, there is no plot as yet.

Ending:As an end of the scene, this is well done.

Suggestions for Improvement:Don't use "it" when talking about human beings unless you are talking about a corpse, and even then be aware of how use the word. Another suggestion is to be more aware of the modifiers you use. I think you will see that one modifier you use a lot is "little" when it's not really needed. You had asked for specific comments. I hope my comments will help you to improve your writing.



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Gunny


114
114
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
Overall Impression:A wonderful vignette describing the whole range of emotions from hatred and rage to love and peace. To do that in such a short piece shows that you have thought long and hard on this subject. To go from the darkest despair to enlightened hope are emotions we are all familiar with. Thank you for sharing your message of His love.

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation: Only one word. "Lye" should be "Lay"
No other problems that I could spot.


Suggestions for Improvement:This was well written and if it needs improvement, I couldn't find it. Well written. Bravo! Gunny

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Gunny



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Review of Latchkey Kids  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
I see that you are very passionate about this issue and I agree that though the parents were and are, in a majority of cases, irresponsible, it is the children who are the real victims, not the parents. But that is another issue, the fact is, these kids are in danger in today's vicious and evil society. The main problem as I see it is the internet. Allowing children on the internet, unsupervised, is the same as letting them play with a loaded gun.
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Review of The K-Rations  
Review by Gunny
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Overall Impression:I had planned to spend the first hour studying my writing books and doing a little writing. I noticed this sponsored item and thought I'd take a look. I could not stop reading. I am so glad I stopped in to read these stories of WWII. I am a Viet Nam era vet. I was only 4 or 5 when WWII ended. When I went to boot camp and infantry training, I had senior staff ncos and officers who were vets of Guatemala, Iwo Jima, etc.
I tell you this because I want to compliment you on your excellent depiction of combat without ever having been to any of those places you mentioned, or been in combat yourself.

Openening:There were several vignettes and each one had an interesting opening. Each one kept me wanting to read more.

Characters & Dialogue:Very believable characters and the dialogue was for the most part, fitting for that era. Gi's did not talk like Mother Terresa when things got hairy, then, or now.

Setting:Excellent portrayal of combat scenarios. Just enough description but not distracting from the stories. I could picture the places in my mind's eye. I guess it wouldn't be too hard because of all the movies and books written about that war.

Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:Very well written. I could tell a lot of work went into this wonderful set of stories.

Plot:Each story was well structured with a theme and setting all it's own. I especially liked the first story where the rookie is saved by the Sergeant's shooting the Nippon soldier. (You did excellent research on the language)

Suggestions for Improvement: One or two places jumped out at me and that's only because I spent so much time in the military. When the Marines were in the landing craft assaulting the island...they would never refer to the bottom of the boat as the 'floor', it would be called the 'deck'. The other one was when the captain asked who was going to drive the tank. It takes many months of training to be able to drive a tank, he wouldn't just ask for a volunteer as if asking for someone to drive a car. They would have gotten themselves into a real mess if they did that. To be believable, you would need to do a little research on what constitutes a tank crew. I was never in a tank unit so I'm not sure, but I know it's a complicated piece of equipment and there is a tank commander, a crew chief, a loader, etc.

Now, as I said, those are only my observations, but a military person would catch them right away. I am utterly impressed that you able to come up with such excellent stories just using your imagination and what you've seen in the movies and read in books...and need I say, the fact that you are a woman and did this in such a believable manner is a tribute to you as a writer.

Gunny



117
117
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
I tried out the applause example. I love it! I'll try it out on some of my friends. Lynn
118
118
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've only been a member for a couple of months and it was love at first sight. I'm 67 years old and though I always wanted to write, my biggest triumph was to be published on a regular basis in the Op-Ed section of our local newspaper. Before I came to WDC I didn't have the confidence to write a short story and the last thing I thought I'd do was write a poem. I ended up doing both, and have found that it's never too late to try something new. I have not enjoyed life so much in all my years as the time I've spent on WDC. I can relate to your feelings and I like to read about people who have enjoyed their experience here. May you have many years of enjoyable writing and God bless. Lynn
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Review of Keeley's Ride  
Review by Gunny
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I loved it! A great story. This little rascal is leaving a trail of dead bodies behind her isn't she? I only found nit to pick: "She reached into the bush, scratching her arm badly as she did, and pulled at the bonnet wound snugly into the branch.
Since the word wound (scratch) and wound (twisted) are spelled the same, maybe 'twisted' would be a better choice of words.*Smile* I had to read it twice because I had just read the word 'scratched' and as I read 'bonnet wound'...I thought huh? How can a bonnet have a wound?
120
120
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
A wonderful story. I'd say a classic! This is the stuff that the best memories are made of. You story shows that even little children have a sense of and and understanding of the best things in life. Sure, Christmas at Mammal's house was nice. All the glitter and all those presents, but having to do your own Christmas with your sisters and your parents...having to pretend and make do with what you had proved to be the absolute best Christmas of all.

I would like to sugget that you go over this story very carefully and do some editing. There are some rough spots such as: (Yes, I was expecting a wonderful Christmas, not.) Besides the word 'not' you should stike the word 'Yes' The sentence would be a lot smoother.*Smile*

And another: (I got an Pepsi can) I know you will see right away that 'an' should be 'a', but I suggest you delete the sentence altogether. The reader can assume that you got the Pepsi can. Go over your story and delete any phrases that you know the reader can assume for himself. If you tell the reader what they already know, they can't get involved in your story.

One other point and I'll stop: (Some would run and have drops dry just hanging.) This is an awkward and incomplete sentence. Try re-writing it, possibly like, "The melted crayon would run and drip off the (whatever). The colorful drops quickly dried and hung like multicolored tear drops. (or whatever description you prefer)

To make your descriptions more vivid and memorable, close your eyes and really go back to those times and try to visualize. What you see and what you feel, try to put it into writing so that the reader will visualize and FEEL the same things. Use all the senses, especially that of smell. You did that when the pine tree came into the house, and I could smell those pine needles all the way from wherever you are to here!

If you want to improve as a writer may I suggest that you join the A-1 Writing Academy. It is virtually free, only costing GP's. They will take you from the very basics of grammer to ever higher levels of the skills you will need. Please Email me if you have any questions. We're all here to help each other and we all learn from each other. You are a fine story teller, and you have to potential to be a very good writer. Keep working at it. Best Wishes, Lynn
121
121
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked the story, I liked the way it is presented in poetry form. I'm not a poetry person so I don't know about separation of paragraphs or stanzas. It doesn't matter to me, the story was fascinating. I could feel your frustration with life. What I especially liked was the way you refused to become a victim of of that frustration. You show an inner strengh and determination that few people have in this "ME" generation. I appreciate the GP's you sent but until you get well established, don't worry about sending anymore. Keep the faith, and keep writing. I'll be visiting all your items today.
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Review of Zombie  
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ida, Something happened when I sent the first response. Apparently it didn't get to you. I'm returning your read and review. This is a nice, homey poem about a holiday that some folks believe is a pagan celebration. I believe it was, in antiquity, but so many of our holidays are based upon paganism from age-old compromises reached when Christianity came into prominence that is hard to tell anymore.

I only found two technical nits to pick at. In the last stanza, change (there) to (their) faces. And you may have unintentionally omitted a word in "You()they are so happy." Bless you and I'll visit your port again if you like. Best Wishes, Lynn
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123
Review by Gunny
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Yes, I would like to join the Angel Army. I really enjoy doing all the activities you have mentioned. I would like to thank Sherry B for steering me onto you. Please see that she gets the credit. Best Regards, Gunny
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Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your descriptions of the man in the photo were excellent. I especially like this passage: He scribbled poetry endlessly and everywhere. His pencils bitten to the quick were his trademark. When he spoke, his basso voice rang true and bold; His stance, rebellious. He never seemed to be completely connected with what he was doing. And yet, his structures were often labeled "heroic and remarkably as one" with their surroundings.

The writer has become aware that the man must have his solitude. A sad realization but graciously accepts the situation and lets him go.

A beutiful, nostalgic piece. I really enjoyed it. Gunny

125
125
Review by Gunny
Rated: E | (3.5)
A cute little story. Do you mind if I give you some advice? If so, don't read further, but if you want a review, here goes:

At the end of the story, Gold and Mike should have learned a lesson. All stories should end with the main characters having learned something. In this case, maybe they learned that they should listen when a grown-up tells them no to do something.

You need to look in a good dictionary and look in the back where they usually have a grammar section. This section will show you how to use quotes in your dialogue and how each person speaking needs to have a separate line. Example: "You can't go into the pool at this time," he said.

"I am not trying to be rude, but how come we can't go into the pool?" Mike asked. (or Golf)

"You can't because...," the man answered.

You should do a spell check also.

You have a talent for telling a story and should keep working at it. Always look seriously at the tips and suggetions that older more experienced writers give you. This way you get the most out of Writing.Com.
Best Regards, Gunny
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