Loved the story. I liked everything about it, especially the nostalgic look back on your childhood.
I liked the reference to the lipgloss library of the teenage girl. Gives a lot of characterization in a short order. Only one suggestion. Need more white space. Shorter paragraphs break up those page long paragraphs. I usually double space between mine. Tryhing to read close tiny print on the computer without any breaks is hard on the eyes. Best Regards, Gunny.
I think that this "tag" thing is great. I will go along with this because I think it is a win-win situation. You have exposed me to those eight who may have never seen my work and I will be instrumental in getting eight of my favorites more exposure than they otherwise might. I really appreciate your support. By the way, I now know that you were in the military, something I didn't know before.
This was a great piece! I think there is such a thing as the directionally challenged and those who are gifted. I know, I'm one of the directionally challenged and I could relate to your tale much to my chagrin. Thank God for GPS systems, although I did one time befuddle it when I went on a trip to the Grand Canyon. I got lost and so did the GPS. LOL!!
Apparently there are some remote areas where even the GPS cannot find its way. Leave it to me to find that place. I loved the piece and would recommend all my friends to read it. Best Regards, Lynn
Absolutely a winner. I liked the way you went right to the story and took me right along with you. No techinical problems except for one nit that I'm sure was the Leprechaun's faulty writing. The note he left has 'you' for 'your'. I'm glad to have found your port and if you don't mind, I'll use your port as an example of a link to items in my course at the A-1 Acadamy. Best Regards, Lynn
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Cute, funny, and very entertaining. I'm always amazed at what WDC writers come up with when prompted. I'm usually too slow on the draw to come up with a story off the top of my head. No technical problems and I was even able to suspend my belief about a cow in the library. Hooves of Fire indeed. Oh by the way, I found your item through the A-1 Academy. We are learning how to link to different ports and items and one of the students used your item number as an example. Best Regards, Lynn ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This was a great little vignette of a day in the life of one person. The tone of the story was low-keyed and very relaxing. A good job of setting the scene of a fall day with crisp air and crisp leaves crunching underfoot. I could absolutely relate to your character. One little omission in the paragraph begining "As she walked..." "--a time to (go) back..."
I think you meant to include the word 'go'. I cannot deduct a thing for that small boo-boo. I enjoyed reading this story, and I liked the way you had the character question why she felt the opposite of most people. This made her seem very real. Best Regards, Lynn.
I thouroughly enjoyed this poem. You painted such beautiful scenes. The tone of the entire piece was light and airy, just like the sprite that you call your muse. Now, if you read about my muse, (My Useless Muse) you would see an entirely different view. I like your muse better. Maybe she could teach mine some manners. Best Regards, Lynn
You've got a good start on a book. I notice that you are having the same trouble I had when I started writing. That is, with commas. You have a lot of what's known as 'comma splices' (where two main clauses are illegally joined by a comma and what are known as 'run-on or fused' sentences, where you have two clauses that run together with no comma to separate them. Also, only use commas when you are listing three or more items within the sentence.
I will go over some specifics in the first paragraph only.
First Sentence: A little confusion here. Do you mean the hallway is a long hallway as well as being deserted? In this case you do not need a comma. The words 'long' and 'deserted' are considered as two items and need no comma. Now if it was described as this: A long, dark, deserted hallway, you have three units and need the commas. OR did you mean that the hallway has been deserted for a long time? In that case you would use a dash as in 'long-deserted'. In this case you could describe it as a dark long-deserted hallway (no comma) or just a long-deserted hallway. (By the way, 'dark' not necessary, I just used it as example) You must get control of the proper use of commas because readers will assume you do not know how to structure a sentence and will not take your work seriously.
Continuing first sentence: The word 'silently' as in the dust drifting silently sounds nice, but the word silently is a redundant modifier since dust has no other way of traveling. It's opposite would be: "The jet engines roared loudly." Here the word 'loudly' is redundant since there is no other way for a jet engine to roar. So watch out for redundant modifying words. They are the sure sign of an amateur writer.
Second sentence: The word 'old' could be considered redundant since the book is mildewed, implying that it is old. I would consider using the modifier 'ancient' to emphasize just how old it is and to add a little more mystery since it is to become an import object in the story.
Also in the second sentence: Omit the comma between trembling and red. You will need a dash between 'red' and 'stained' as in 'red-stained'. Which brings me to the point of just what image are you trying to convey here. Are his hands stained red from red paint, or Kool-Aid, or blood? You need to be more specific if you want to convey a specific image. Use the word blood as in 'blood-stained'. This leaves no doubt in the reader's mind and is a terrific hook to keep them reading.
You need to work on what are known as 'comma splices' and 'fused or run-on' sentences. To learn more about these things and have fun while doing it, may I suggest you visit a site that has helped me a lot. http://www.compchomp.com/handouts/commatips01.pdf This site also has exercises where you will have fun while you learn. Good luck and keep writing. Email me any time if you want to discuss this more. Best Regards, Lynn.
My sentiments exactly. One minor thing, I think you meant to say 'wary' not 'weary' I too have done more writing than ever before and am continuing to learn more every day. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Best regards, Lynn.
If you will go to my port and read "Where Can I Find Happiness" you will see the type of item we are all expecting to see. If you want to learn more about how to write an article or a story, look into taking classes on this writing.com site. They will guide you along step by step and is virtually free. Email me if you have any questions. Best Regards, Lynn
OK, now I understand how to post my item with the bitem link. When would I use the other various c,g,l,r,t-item links? I know what each one shows thanks to your good work, but when out I use them? Best Regards, Lynn
So true. I recently read a story by a WDC author and it was loaded with the most beautiful metaphors I've ever read. But by the second or third paragraph I'm thinking, I wonder what the next metaphor will be and it killed the story for me. The story had won a award by WDC but I thought the writer had way overused the metaphor in his story. I didn't know how to make a comment because, I wasn't about to criticize an award winning story. I hope this writer runs across this piece. If I could remember who it was, I'd definitely steer him to your port. Regards, Lynn.
While not able to cover all the possible facts, those you listed were very interesting and should be to any writer. Knowing such minutia can only help to make a story more believable. Whatever genre a writer uses, someone out there will know those facts. I once read where Sir Doyle's Sherlock Holmes scenes and descriptions were accurate down to the weather on a specific date that can be verified if someone cared to check.
very good information and suggestions are those that I will use. I've got a couple of stories that are stuck and I think now it's because I don't really have a good handle on any of the character's subconscious thoughts, and character flaws. Thank you for the suggestions.
An excellent piece. You made it very interesting and packed a lot of good information in a tight compact article. No wasted words. I enjoyed reading it. Best Regards, Lynn.
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I'm going to make some comments and I don't want you to take them the wrong way. I thought the story of Samantha was so-so for the following reasons:
I think this story would be better suited to 1st person point of view.
By the time I was reading the third paragraph I was asking myself, "What's the point of this story?" Where is this story going to take me? Is it going to be some place exciting, some place I've never been to before?
It ends up it's a memoir of what happens to a divorcee given by some anonymous third person. You have it listed under the genre of drama but there is no real drama.
I'm not saying it must be a cliff-hanger to be a drama story but there has to be some obstacle created so your character will be able to use her brains and whatever assets she has to overcome the obstacle. That's what keeps a reader's attention. The harder the obstacle is to overcome, and the harder your main character has to work to overcome it, the better the story.
There is very little interaction between characters which is another way to keep your readers reading.
Ask yourself after each scene you create, "What's the point of this scene? Does anyone really care? These are the things I try to do as I'm writing.
As I mentioned in the first sentence of this review, I hope you don't take my suggestions the wrong way. It's your story and only you know what's best for it. Keep writing and best regards, Lynn.
A good decription of every workaholic I've ever known. It's nothing to joke about.
Sometimes I envy those who have so much tenacity. I have no idea what it feels like to be a workaholic since I've never been one. Now a procastinator, that's me. I guess finding a cure would be similar to what an alchololic must do, that is, work at it just one day at a time. Today I'm not going to be a workaholic and we'll let tomorrow take care of itself till it gets here. It has to be worked on each and every day until it becomes a habit?
Now that's a short story! Not much you can do with it but the word 'Luckily' seems out of place. I would omit that word altogether and give the Labrodor a name. Just a thought. This 55 word exercise is a good way to tighten up your writing and to come up with story ideas if your stuck. Keep writing, Lynn.
Durn! Of all the luck! By the end of the story I was kind of rooting for poor Olivia. She's lost a few marbles while in prison refering to herself in the 3rd person like Bob Dole used to do. And her poor mother, she's dying and now she get to watch her daughter die. A dark and troubling story, but effectively told.
Your story pulled me in because I too have an affection for rivers, especially large ones. Your story, though the middle is missing, does fulfil one essential requirement of a good story and that is the main character (you) has come to see things in a different light by the end of the story. Keep writing. Best Regards, Lynn
A good read. My only problem with it is kind of picky but there shouldn't there be a stronger tie-in with the beginning and ending of the item? You start out talking about early infant memories and end up stating that talking to an infant could increase his ability to think. I'm sure the two phenomena are related but the item doesn't specifically say how one pertains to the other. Am I being too nit-picky here? :) Best Regards, Lynn.
This is a great piece of writing. I think I held my breath through the whole thing because by the time I got to the end I almost passed out! :>] lol. I was totally engrossed and enjoyed it immensely. Anytime a writer can take me out of my own little world, I am impressed. I wish I could remember where I ran across a publisher in the Writer's Market that would eat up your erotic works. I hope you find a market because, your stuff is good enough to be published. Best Regards, Lynn
Holly and the Bopper and the music of that era were all my favorites. Seems like the market was right.
A lot of bands were formed just like you depicted after the 'crash.' Buddy Holly's was formed that way. I think they were casting around for a name and a cricket kept making it's noise and that's what they decided on for a name. Only one thing, and I'm probably the only dunce who doesn't know who he is, but who IS Billy Swenson? Did he form a famous band with Mark and Tod?
Lynn.
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Oh by the way, I found your item through the A-1 Academy. We are learning how to link to different ports and items and one of the students used your item number as an example. Best Regards, Lynn ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** 
I too have done more writing than ever before and am continuing to learn more every day. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Best regards, Lynn.