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1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,301 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Conversational - I don't have a formal template. Comment to my perception of the work, both substance and technique; highlights & misses. My reviews are public by default, but I will gladly make private upon request.
I'm good at...
Poetry - I read aloud; respond to both art and craft; Short Story - I listen for the voice(s) and respond with how I perceive both the creative voice and technique; and effective use of writer's tools; Articles/Essays - I'll let you know how you keep it real and hold my interest. Comment to substance & technique, fact-checking, depth of research, logical flow.
Favorite Genres
I love to read ^_^
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Articles / Essays
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of Dream Catcher.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for this opportunity to read your work and effect this Simply Positive Review

The introduction to the rhyming - text before the verse, I've heard before, but am unsure of the name given. I think it fits the theme of the that follows. I like the different take on dream catchers, not keeping away the harm, but holding safe the good dreams, the moments of happiness ephemeral.

Reading aloud, the poem uses assonance to emphasize each image and maintain force, beginning the first two stanzas each with "I" - as a melancholy refrain manifest in angst. The speaker is alone, struggling through a life of suffering and pain alone, "consumed by this infinite melancholy," and holds fast to the belief that the dream catcher has in its possession a dream of happiness to keep safe and return with for the speaker to savor if but for a moment.*Heart*

I note but few drops of the intensity, i.e., at the conclusion, consider holding present tense - "...as I slumber, so I know happiness..." or "...so I may know happiness..." ???

I will look upon my dream catcher with fresh eyes this evening ~ thank you.


Keep Writing!
Kate
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102
102
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for this opportunity to read your work and effect this Simply Positive Review

I see something otherworldly building; ominous, palpable fear. The vivid image brings me into the story, "white-knuckling" the wheel*Thumbsup*, afraid of what will come. The end is unexpected and still ominous, altogether a delicious journey into the possibly unknown, definitely terror-ridden.

I note very little telling, keeping me in the story. Only a few adverbs to digress to telling (i.e., unnaturally hard - consider showing how the driver grips the steering wheel - hard enough to numb my fingertips, or an appendage to the steering column?)

Thank you for this deliciously frightful 'journey' ~ the image will recur next time I'm driving in the fog.

Keep Writing!
Kate
Keep Writing!
Kate
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103
103
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for this opportunity to read your work and effect this Simply Positive Review

The journey begins with a story of promised love and fidelity and ends with the betrayal of same. Each stanza describes a portion of the journey, from hope and trust, to despair and loss, to questioning the reality of the forgotten promise.

Reading aloud, the rhyming couplets hold each image and the use of mainly dactylic meter evokes a heartbeat's breath for each; reflective, the first two stanzas.

The third stanza, I'd consider a pause after the first image "The mirror reflects, the years that you took," to maintain that heartbeat as the image shifts to a summation, where the rhythm shifts, more emphasis on each individual thought phrase, as it leads to the resolution where the speaker sees the promise "...forgotten, eternally betrayed?"

Thank you for this poignant and powerful image of love, trust, and all too often, betrayal, but we are compelled to hope and to trust and to love.


Keep Writing!
Kate
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104
104
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Thank you for this opportunity to read your work and effect this Simply Positive Review

The title and tag line introduces well the story that is depicted in the poem to come, of what makes a "Home" out of the 'little house on the hill.' - not the rooms, or knicknacks or photos, but the 'rhymes' and 'family' and 'neighbors' - planted cherry trees and the sun, moon, stars over years of living life*Heart*

The "little house on the hill' may be home, and what makes it ‘HOME' is the life that inhabits it, mortal, animal, and at one with Nature.

Reading aloud, rhyming couplets hold images together in each stanza. Each stanza further provides an image, or a snapshot, of a piece of ‘HOME.' - i.e., family via companionship of son's dog and granddaughter's cat; nature via sunsets, moon, stars and tending nature, planting trees and harvesting friendship and community with neighbors mortal and of nature, over a lifetime's interaction and ‘being.'.

There is no real rhythm in the flow of the words or lines, but in the images themselves, with little use of cliché, each stanza again a picture vivid from a poet's eye of a piece of what is ‘HOME.' And very few occurrences of passivity. I also like the green color text and allusions to Springtime coming - that the building of ‘HOME' continues*Heart*

Thank you for this inviting visit to your 'Home' - would that one day I find or create mine as well.*Smile*


Keep Writing!
Kate
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105
105
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for this visit to a Comic-Con. I can imagine being there and participating in the re-enactment with some of my favorite anime*Star* The story unfolds with realism and maintains it throughout, as Yvette realizes her dream to portray the anime heroine with whom she comes to identify herself and, in so doing, finds a ‘real' hero/friend. Where fantasy can perhaps evoke reality, with some effort*Thumbsup* Also helpful to those unfamiliar with manga or anime are the definitions at the end of the story.

The story flows well from beginning to its pleasing resolution with vivid descriptions and life, very little that is passive.

I note but a few occurrences where I had to re-read to get the image. In the opening, "its contents were now empty." Would more accurately be "it was empty." Or "its contents were gone" ??

In the next paragraph, how did they make their presence ‘known' ? did they vie for recognition? Compete, put up their best and newest anime?

Describing Yvette's passion and immersion in her role, "...Princess Kitara just right." (I deleted the comma) and the next sentence perhaps instead of "...since she watched..." consider "...since she discovered the anime" or something to that effect?

The descriptive paragraph with respect to Yvette's hair appears a bit passive, consider switching with or blending it into the next one, to begin with her comment made with ‘the grace to blush' ? also in that paragraph, "almost balked" would be "balked" or "almost halted" ??

When the curtains open, "Yvette was blinded momentarily by the flash of the waiting fans' cameras? ... She stood still for a moment, trying to focus," ??? looking for something not cliché to show her discomfiture and momentary fear/stage fright perhaps at the plethora of fans awaiting her performance.

The conversation between Yvette and the villain fits and is believable, as they fall naturally into their roles for the awaiting fans*Smile*

The ending is so fitting and one that every manga or anime fan can embrace. Consider just a bit more active, "...where a promising friendship was born" or "friendship had been borne out of the pages..." (taken from the pages?) either image fits splendidly!

Thank you for this journey to the Comic-Con - perhaps I'll go to one in my own life but, if not, I've enjoyed this one*Smile*

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ ...
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106
106
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A avid lifelong Stephen King fan, I enjoyed thoroughly this journey with the Master's works. The story titles fit the context of the story, compelling it forward and recalling for me images of the original works evoked thereby.*Thumbsup*

The conversations between David and Harry are believable and natural, with just a few occurrences of telling words. For example, after describing how Harry had become lost, "Nothing," David mumbled irritably. (His mumbling is irritable to Harry? - or is David irritated?) Consider a more vivid image of David being perhaps snappish as he continued his reply.

I note a few occurrences of cliché, "i.e., a ton of bricks", and "David let him have it," David perhaps ‘lit into him' would be more visual?
Also, consider maintaining the active voice in conversation, i.e., re "Black House" - Harry said, instead of ‘was saying' or if you want an image of how he said it, maybe "Harry muttered" ? since he's focusing on his ‘cell' and responding as an aside.?

As to accuracy of image - "An eerie silence heralded his call." (the silence absorbed his call? It didn't provoke it? A bit unclear for me here

To maintain the showing intensity, consider later "His boots fell heavily on something that made a brittle crackling sound under his tread." In place of ‘seemed to make' ??

Also, "They both tried to hold onto their sanity." "They both fought to hold onto their sanity." (active voice again to show how they try?)

Later, the cold hand, "turned to notice" ? and "causing both men to take fearful steps" - slips passive. And consider more active for words like ‘warily' - show the motion of the eyes, or lack of blinking?

Later as they run, repeating "as he" in a sentence; consider a visual for one of the occurrences. And the prior paragraph, where Harry snapped "out of his" daze? (a little oops there) - also that description, was he dragging Dave along the ground or perhaps yanking the scruff of his shirt to force him to move?

The story resolves believably as the prelude to action that is to take place and, although I know what is supposed to transpire, I am left with a bit of a cliffhanger that evokes a terror yet to come.

Thank you for offering this creative and enjoyable story; a creative romp through the works of Stephen King; a chilling delight for those of us who have read his work and an incentive to do so for those who have not yet partaken of the full repast*Thumbsup*.

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ ...
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107
107
Review of Gray Rain  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reading this on Arbor Day, I see it both as surreal and all too real. Aliens as both otherworld beings and the ‘unworldly' acts committed by mortals to hasten the arrival of a ‘doomsday' for mortal bipeds.

Reading aloud, I sense some rhythm in the flow of the words to depict the images being evoked. Each stanza tells a piece of the story; longer more pensive lines interspersed with tight, provocative lines that compel the reader's vision forward to the next stanza, and the next, as familiar images are used to portray an impending ominous challenge - i.e., "Down it pours like a painter's rate..." *Thumbsup*

The poem follows the reverse alphabet noted without seeming forced to the letters rather well. I note but a few occurrences where the rhythm becomes passive, a bit telling, i.e., "Ominous clouds darkening the horizon" Consider perhaps "Ominous clouds darken the horizon," as more active, a punch compelling the reader/listener to seek the reason why; and "Many stare heavenwards in fear." A visual image to make me look up.

I also note some good rhythm in the next stanza; the first two lines in near rhyme moving the eye and ear deeper into the stanza; in the third line consider eliminating "Just" to hold the intensity and starting with "As Mother Nature's roar of anger..."

Also the final line, consider keeping active voice, "As aliens descend to make their conquest."????

Thank you for offering this call to reflect, and to act, that we are not taken unawares by our own action or inaction*Thumbsup*

Keep Writing!
Kate


Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ ...
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108
108
Review of The Game of Life  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for offering this discourse in verse on fate and fortune!

Reading aloud, as a free form poem I seek not rhyme, but a sense of rhythm and a cohesive vision. This is well met with the image of life as a stacked deck of cards. The second stanza adds depth, and the third comes full circle with respect to fate. Then life portrayed as a game or series of games, a Monopoly game with loaded dice perchance, but the player keeps going, hoping for then asking for a more effective way to play.

Reading aloud, there is a flow to the theme and vivid images that draw me in, and I note but a few occurrences where I am slowed. Opening with "He tells me..." "He" is not defined, and I find myself looking for 'him,' later in the poem; also note a few repetitions of words, i.e., "seems" used several times, consider perhaps a similar word with the same meaning in place of one, i.e., "appears" ???

The tense shifts in the middle (the stanza regarding Monopoly) from the personal to impersonal (telling rather than showing to draw the reader in), then returns at the finish; consider maintaining the personal for the powerful impact and depth. The final line, consider again just a bit more active with the request to maintain the powerful image??

Thank you for this realistic image of life, and the hope that keeps one going despite stacked odds.

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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109
109
Review of Adrift  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for offering this image of the Muse Creative waxing poetic!

Reading aloud, a flowing image presents itself in a vivid portrait that flows as a stream of thought, with few intended stops, yet shaped into cohesive images with rhyming couplets where 'fantasy' meets the 'subconscious sea'; and 'visions float' as they await a 'lifeboat'*Star* The rhythm is intentionally (and realistically, from the image) chaotic until the ending tercet which slows the pace, contemplative, and each line evokes a pause for thought as the Muse Creative forms a 'literary gem.'

Thank you for this provocative and vivid depiction of the Muse Creative scribed with vision of a poet's eye - a fitting opening feature for Poets Talk Shop.

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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110
110
Rated: E | (4.5)
This guestbook is friendly, inviting in tone and with the smiley faces (evoke sunshine and friendship - a place one would like to visit). The title and tag line are clear, invite the casual observer to stop in.

The formatting is pleasing, straightforward, the text invites visitors to read through the portfolio and for a review perhaps receive a return because "it's natural." Friendly.

I see no errors or discrepancies in the text.

The posts are friendly and responses made timely and courteously.

Thank you for this microcosmic glimpse of a versatile, talented writer's portfolio - one where a longer visit is warranted *Thumbsup*
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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111
111
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for offering this delicious image with a creative twist! The sense of the dodoitsu is well met, as the summation image evokes a puckered lip as well as an image of some sweet old wrinkly smiling folks*Smile*

Reading aloud, the description in each line is understated and subtle, yet vivid. The final line sums up the description.

I note one miss in the syllable count, the third line has eight (6 for in-di-vi-du-al-ly and 2 for u-nique); consider perhaps something like independently???

Thank you for the delightful 're-past' ^_^

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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112
112
Review of Hoot Owl  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for offering this vivid portrait of an owl. The Dodoitsu form a splendid vehicle for this image that engages all the senses. The poetic form is well met, the syllable count, the active visual and auditory description, then the summation with a comical twist (rather literally*Smile*). The title even fits.

Reading aloud, the use of assonance and alliteration in the opening line immediately engages the reader/listener's ear, and there'a a sense of rhythm. The summation is both a literal sound to engage the ear and a descriptive human action. I smile each time reading.

The third line, using 'but' twice feels a bit forced to the tongue ~ consider perhaps something like "yet naught but a haughty call" where the assonance remains with 'naught' and 'haughty'???

Thank you for this image that I will recall as I listen for the owl somewhere near my backyard*Thumbsup*

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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113
113
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for offering this contest not only to incite the muse creative but to showcase some splendid non-static items devised by the members of our Community of writers and artists!

As a forum, the title invites the curious and the body is formatted with clarity. Listing of the types of items considered is a useful tool for newcomers (or some long-time members) to see what is available on-site*Thumbsup* Highlighting the past month's winners invites perusal and participation; as does the forum for previous winners.

The time frame, judges, generous prizes are all clear and easy to find. The posts also invite participation as well as encourage nominations - simple format requesting the item and a very brief introduction. One is free to nominate his/her own item or one where he/she has participated.

Hope to see this challenge continue for a long time to come. With that in mind, here's a contribution towards the prize fund.

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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114
114
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank you for offering this splendid opportunity to welcome new members to WDC, encourage their writing aspirations, and help them find the outlets here that incite and inspire their Muse Creative!

As a forum, the title and tag line are clear and inviting to both the curious and altruistic-minded.

The opening image and the Goals and Objectives are well-defined and offer both information and encouragement to read further. The parameters for Adopters and Adoptees are also clearly defined. Working links to 'Newbie Zones' afford opportunity for both mentoring opportunities and newbie showcasing, as well as good reading*Smile*

I see no errors or omissions, and the forum posts as well are friendly and responsive.

Best of luck with this great altruistic venture. I attach a token contribution for benefit of the group or otherwise to assist the Angel Army's goals.

Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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115
115
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you for offering this essay on Happiness!

As an essay, it is presented with logical progression, depth and a vivid prose that evokes the senses as it describes the various means of embracing the joy that nature presents daily, beginning with the visual, the sunrise as "an array of melted crayons" - the prose is poetic in imagery here - invites the reader to continue with the 'experience' being proffered.

The essay then presents means of experiencing happiness daily through auditory (birdsong, cat's morning greeting), tactile (cat's morning greeting), tactile recall (picture recalling horseback riding), among others - examples that remain in the memory after one has finished reading.

Then, the essay concludes the passive or receptive modes of expressing happiness and turns full voice to actively creating happiness by giving it to others*Star* "To be happy, you must bring happiness to others."

The message I get, one can experience happiness in a number of ways through multiple vehicles, but to "be happy" one must create happiness for other*Thumbsup*

The occasional change in voice from one sensation to another appears to work, pausing the mind for a moment to shift gears from visual and aural, for example, to the tactile. I could ony find one spot where I slowed for a moment reading, which does not spoil the 'recipe' - "That is because, I fear, that you will not believe me." - perhaps eliminate the second 'that' ??

Thank you for this joyous, provocative work!

Keep Writing!
Kate

wistful rune ~ …
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116
116
Rated: E | (4.0)
Coming to terms with being alone perhaps, after youth’s bloom and innocence has departed, one finds in the mirror an image of steadfast honor and truth; illusions cast aside, revealing the true inner strength and beauty that yet strong abides.*Heart*

Reading aloud, the mixture of rhythmic forms evokes the image of reflection, regret at letting go of illusion, then returning to the rhythmic flow, with the realization that love of oneself is the foundation for all the rest*Heart*

The rhyming for the most part maintains the sonnet form; while the rhythmic variations and variations on syllable count add variety, as the mirror reflects deeper past the surface.

Consider maintaining the tense in the opening – third line, “…I hastily go” (not taking it to past, as the next image returns to present); and for the rhythm, consider for the sixth line perhaps “My heart longs for love’s deep glorious stain” (maintaining the pacing of the images before and after). The second last line, to maintain the intensity, consider “Still there remains but one who does enthrall,” (‘but’ instead of ‘only’ and a pause at the end of the line to reflect for a moment before the summation. “I love you dearest heart, you are my all.”*Heart*

Thank you for this splendid vision of hope ~ despite whatever travails one may encounter, hold fast to the light within and one is never ‘alone.’*Heart*
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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117
117
Review of Red Shoes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I see the red shoes as a metaphor for stepping out of the box, taking a path untried, and adventure, then studied practicality takes hold and the momentary vision is buried once again. The second stanza recalls in a dream of fleeting hopes so buried by the onslaught of duties and responsibilities that they are once again swept away by the tide of living.

Reading aloud, as a free form poem, again I seek not rhyme but imagery and rhythm, which I find in the near lyrical opening, the pauses focusing the reader’s eye on each image. Consider however the use of ‘slip’ twice, perhaps the second occurrence “…easier to slide on.” ???

Also, for the rhythm and to focus the vision, the final line consider a pause where the beat changes, to imprint the powerful image - i.e., “Where even seagulls diving, with great precision, couldn’t find me.”

Thank you for this vivid image of life ~ and as we all know, tides do come both ways, and may the red shoes return freshly washed and ready to dance soon*Heart*
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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118
118
Rated: E | (4.5)
The poet here, I believe, sees the world through a poet’s eyes, vivid images set a scene of a near pastoral time, yet immediate and observable today*Star*

Reading aloud, a story poem with mainly an iambic beat incites a metronome, beating the clock of time passing, with an occasional interlude of dactylic heartbeat to heighten the pulse. The opening stanzas rhythmically regale the reader with familiar (or wished for) images of family, play, innocence. For maintaining the rhythm, I would suggest simply deleting a couple of the helper words for more showing, vivid impact, i.e., “Sweet overlapping sound…” (eliminated “The”); second stanza, first line, “…blackened tree trunks in snow.” (deleted ‘the’) Third line, for more active, consider, “Morning birds rest on the long arm” (instead of resting, also for the rhythm).

The concluding stanza explains recalling the images as regaining power, youth*Star* “I feel powerful when I can stretch my sense of who I am.” *Heart* (consider removing ‘own’ to maintain the rhythm which has such power and strength! Tied for my favorite line with the final two in that stanza, and consider a pause in the last line where the beat changes, as to a heartbeat. (i.e., “It’s still a fragile web I weave, with the poetry of my heart.”*Heart*

A techie thing, suggest writing out the number 13 (thirteen).

This reader sees the web as strong and firm, tendrils reaching and connecting the past and present into a poet’s eye view of life and hope and ever becoming! Thank you for sharing your ongoing journey!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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119
119
Review of Euphoria  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for offering this image both tactile and metaphorical!

Upon each subsequent journey into this poem, this reader comes closer to the woman weeping, tears finally flowing down the crevasses marking the years to awaken passion long buried, to soften the clay wrought by years and release the spirit sealed within.

Reading aloud, as free form poetry, I do not seek rhyme, but a sense of pace and rhythm, which I find in the haste of the first stanza, brief and vivid, each line an image in itself. I suggest for rhythm removal of the helping word ‘the’ in the third line; i.e., “down gutters,’ and perhaps a comma pause before the explanation in the fourth line, where the reader pauses momentarily to see the face of the speaker..

In the second stanza, consider some pauses as the ‘rain’ performs individual actions in the second, third and fourth lines before the release. Consider for the rhythm returning to the active and for rhythm, i.e., “to soulfully fly.” ???

Thank you for offering this powerful image of hope ~ the spark ever remains, awaiting release.
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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Kate - Writing & Reading
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120
120
Rated: E | (4.0)
Haiku and other small poems is an evolving metamorphosis of haiku, senryu and exploratory poetry with a similar pattern to Japanese form poetry. Haiku and senryu has evolved over the years as far as syllabic count and themes. This work also has evolved from the original, which begins with single vivid images to multiple images equally evocative. A delight to the senses, evoking pastoral nature interacting with humankind; at times personified (i.e., #7 frog croaking his song,…booming metallic lyrics)*Star*

The opening tercets 1,2,3 are in the standard haiku/senryu 5-7-5 syllabic pattern, each portraying two or more images; #4 then in 7 syllables takes dusk to night, where in #5, a senryu proclaims the bitter memories one may see in a mirror, or stone. For maintaining the syllabic pattern, consider in place of “old and tarnished” perhaps “faded and tarnished” ???

#6 portrays nature again humanized to close the day, and #7 the above frog’s melody as heard by reluctant listeners. Consider a pause after the first line of #7 to facilitate connection to each of the following two lines individually? (also check spelling of metallic*Blush*)

#8 either brings back the dawn or perhaps a farewell to the day’s light at sunset – consider the final line “facing the warm sun” so again it can flow individually from each of the above lines, and even stand as its own image.

Part 2 ~ a combination of haiku and senryu, with mainly even 5-7-5 syllable lines appears more reflective and human. The tercets are for the most one image, with some intense reflection. Note #5 where dawn never warms one completely*Heart* A series of reflections on nightfall giving way to dawn and the coming day.

Consider perhaps some pauses (commas) within the tercets to afford the eye a brief stop in order to imagine two images in place of a long sentence in some (i.e., #3 “Finches gossiping,” … would then naturally give both images “Finches gossiping winter’s icy morn,” and “white breath exhaling tufts of winter’s icy morn.” – in haiku/senryu style.)

#7 – has to be my favorite in this group, however, “swells of rain falling with cool determination stealing my shadow” an image that remains after reading even once*Heart*

Thank you for sharing these poignant, evocative images ~ Nature’s dance ~ with “humans in pursuit” working Her daily magic as the wheel of life/day turns. I hope to see more of your journey using this versatile, evocative form.*Star*

Keep Writing!
Kate
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121
121
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for offering this intriguing introduction to intrigue and mayhem!

Penned in letter form, evokes a Victorian past world mood. I can envision Mistress Garnier taking quill to parchment and writing her thoughts.

The language stays fairly true to period, holding the mood, and ends the introduction with a promise of intrigue. I do believe in those days doctors were surgeons, however?

I note but a little telling, for example, the list of faults each sentence beginning with "He..." in succession. Consider perhaps some combinations and/or shifting a sentence or two, i.e., something like "Immature to the highest degree, he is vulgar, assuming everyone wants to hear..." ???
Keep Writing!

I look forward to reading more of Mistress Garnier's and the Detectives' tale.

Kate
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122
122
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for offering this delicious journey back in time! The tag line invites the reader to the parlor, and that is where the story takes place, the voice, spoken and descriptive, transplanting the reader to another 'cozier' time.

The story begins with the demise of an elderly dowager, plants a clue with respect to a forbidden plant being the cause of her death, then alludes to something nefarious that necessitates the gathering. The tone of the short story, descriptions of the characters, conversation, all transplant the reader to the parlor and the mystery is solved inadvertently by one attending the gathering.

One spot halted me for but a moment, the second paragraph, beginning with "Ella had spoken to Mimi on her way out..." I presume Ella was leaving, perhaps start a new paragraph or scene, Ella had bid Mimi good evening on her way out the night before? then continue with the scene so vividly describing Mimi's customary demeanor?

Thank you for this journey to an everwhere delightful!



Keep Writing!
Kate
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123
123
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings! I am one of the judges for GENREFLECTIONS and enjoyed this vision of a girl’s struggle to save her village. The story quickly built suspense as Haiti rushed to save the village, with her mind recalling (good use of back-story, or description) Elderwoman’s prophesy, well portrayed to give insight into the village and its people. The thought process stayed true to the tone set by the description, i.e., use of “never in a million moon cycles” keeping the reader in the moment.

I’m not certain of the age group, perhaps pre-teen or early teen, and would suggest keeping the language active and visual (i.e., “Running out of breath, Haiti stumbled,…” in place of “steps faltered.” ???

A bit passive with the mental back-story, and references that are ambiguous for the younger reader (I’m picturing pre-teen or early teen?) i.e., the statement that “…she alone would lead an army…” could refer to either Elderwoman or Haiti as described.

The conclusion revealing it to be a dream good ending to Haiti stumbling and lying down. Consider a more visual image perhaps for Haiti when she wakes, a bit telling with use of “woke” twice – perhaps she opens her eyes; also “…she thought, squirming back under the coverlet on her cozy hayberry bed.”

Thank you for creating this engaging world with a young heroine I can see easily see taking part in a number of challenging adventures in her world believable though fantastic. Welcome to WDC and Good luck in the contest.

Keep Writing!
Kate
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124
124
Rated: E | (3.5)
Greetings! I am one of the judges for GENREFLECTIONS and thank you for entering this engaging story of a family first conceived in hope, descended to despair for the couple and frustrated anticipation for the ‘child.’ The summation, “be careful what you wish for,” very appropriate in this tale that blends the mortal with the otherworldly.

I’m not certain of the age group targeted, perhaps teen or pre-teen based on the theme and the word usage.

I note a bit of telling in place of showing in some places, and some discord in tense. For example in the opening paragraph, for consistency in voice “…reading her very thoughts.” Or “…reading her every thought.” ?? and later “Risa smiled one of many fake smiles she had perfected…” Also, where Risa ‘headed’ for somewhere, consider showing what she was doing – walked, strolled, stomped ???? Like the visual image in the paragraph where she stands in front of the blue door – very vivid, engages all the senses

Thank you for offering this story about ‘wishing’ for things that are perhaps not meant to be; also a metaphor for kids growing up, they do blaze their own path, albeit most not so destructive.

Good luck in the contest!
Keep Writing!
Kate


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125
125
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings! I am one of the judges for GENREFLECTIONS. Thank you for offering this engaging story of a boy who falls for a challenge unattainable and, in realizing he was tricked, how it affects him and his trust of adults. I see this as geared to perhaps higher-grade children, who would understand the message while enjoying the story. I found myself hoping that Ravi would earn his reward and shared in his disappointment when he realized there was no way he ever could have

I enjoyed the two voices, each holding true throughout the story, related first person through the father’s eyes, and third person for Ravi. Very little passivity, active and visual throughout. I note but a few places where there is a bit of discord, i.e., “Unrepentant, unaware of misdoing, he looked up at me…” (holding the tense) ??

The story remains engaging and lively through to the end, where Ravi very appropriately intones, “promises, promises.” Thank you for a delightful read! Good luck in the contest.

Keep Writing!
Kate
Keep Writing!
Kate
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