*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/16
Review Requests: OFF
3,221 Public Reviews Given
3,260 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 12 13 14 15 -16- 17 18 19 20 21 ... Next
376
376
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi SandraLynn! I found your story using the 'read and review' option.


Overall Impression
What a delightful story, due to your sense of humor and irony. Not due to the actual predicament, although that in and of itself was impressive.

I liked the contrast between the tight quarters in the tank and then the larger picture, as it were, of what was happening on the outside. You made it easy to imagine that sight!

Thoughts/Feelings
I see this is classified as a short story, but it reads like the truth. I'm curious.

I also have a son and two daughters. No accidents with the girls, but many weekends were spent in various ERs. My son found more ways to get himself hurt. But hands down, I doubt anyone could top this story.

You have an excellent story-telling voice. One that encourages the reader to join in on the adventure.

Good grief! Power tools to saw? That's awful. Oh, that's where I noticed one tiny slip up. Just a silly extra space. *Wink*
Someone , fired up an air chisel and an attempt

Lasting Impression
Given the same situation, I'd probably die of embarrassment. And I would have been the one to apologize to the EMT's as well. I can easily relate to your confusion in the ER with the nurse telling you to clean up, and the words just not registering. But that's my sad story.

You've noted this as a rewrite. I can tell you the effort was worthy of my admiration. Nicely done.

Thanks for making me smile, and cringe.

Reviewing your work was
My Pleasure tks.

Nixie
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
377
377
Review of Under the Skin  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Graham. I found your story here. "Invalid Item" 

Overall Impression
Fascinating story!

Characters
Both Tamara and Barnaby are well defined.

I can see Tamara from Barnaby's observations. Since he's the one telling the story, I don't know what he looks like. But through his dialogue and actions, I can discern the type of man he was.

Setting
The third paragraph was so descriptive, it was as if I were sitting in the room. Nicely done! The attic nearly breathes life.

Excellent gradual build-up to the conclusion. In the attic, I 'saw' so many possible items, wondering which ones might be red herrings. That mannequin was terrifying. *Thumbsup*

Oops
The adverb [slowly] is used twice in the same paragraph. An oversight, I'm sure. *Wink*

She stopped, then slowly turned, photo still in hand,
Slowly, she reached up and turned the lamp on.

A lapse of attention. I'm guessing you won't be coming back to edit this, but reviews always help me when I write another story.

The chain? It pulls down by itself, and the lamp [come] on." [comes]

Consider including a link back to the contest for other readers who might want to check it out. Just a thought.

Closing comments
The black ribbon received for a first place entry says it all. Excellent write.

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
378
378
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Percy! I found your story using the read and review option.

Hook
Okay, I'll say it right up front. The 'Tier One' in the title made this a no contest read for me. I'm growing weary of stories with similar plots, testing teens for warfare or games. But yours was different. *Hand1*

Overall Impression
You have a gift for writing vivid battle scenes. I found them frightening and exhilarating. Excellent idea, to pair the 'misfits' together. The comment about Rudd not being graceful as elves are struck a familiar chord. Not that I read a lot of fantasy, but after watching Orlando Bloom in The Fellowship of the Ring, I'll only see elves as his character. That's good, though. A good way to set your character apart.

The slow build up of Rudd and Bedelia's relationship felt authentic. You demonstrated both characters' personality traits. They both had vulnerabilities that led to further bonding. And their quirky dialogue added spice and slowed down the action when necessary. The word play was excellent.

Thoughts of an uncertain nature

Rather than two consecutive 'ing' sentences, consider re-wording the second. But I really liked the dramatic effect of "one last time", so it's a conundrum. Author's decision, as always.

[Putting] on her diminutive helm she adjusted the chin strap. [Reaching] back she felt for the quiver of arrows, one last time.

I found a few instances of misplaced quotes, but after all this time I doubt you're going back to correct a few small errors. *Wink*

Closing comments
Often in stories of this nature, authors forget to space out the paragraphs. This is a deterrent for me, and, contrarily, another solid reason to begin the adventure of reviewing your story.

Thanks for the great read!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
379
379
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, Petra! I found another one of your stories using the read and review option.

The Hook
What drew me in? The title a little bit, but the brief description made this read irresistible. Learning about places I've never been is always enjoyable. Especially the stories with vivid descriptions, like yours.

As the story unfolds
I noticed the genre, and trust me, I didn't want this to be a dark story. The setting was so lovely, and I felt the warmth of the love and, oddly, the fireplace.

Special Moments
The last two sentences in the second paragraph were show-stoppers. Something in those words made me pause and draw in a deep breath. So beautiful, slightly haunting, lovely prose.

Characters
I can only guess at the characters. A married couple? B is the husband? or wife? Was the character ill and hence the apparition? A mystery, indeed.

Oops
suite cases should be > suitcases [unless you live outside the states, where spellings and punctuation varies. I can't remember who lives where all the time]. *Headbang*

*Questionb* This part of the sentence set me off. Maybe the [in] coming so close together?
spinach and different kind of cheeses in puffed pastry in the oven.
Maybe baking or crisping in the oven? Just a thought.

Could this flow more smoothly? I don't want to copy/paste the entire section.
I hurried to the child, turning [his] back and looking [it] in the eye. [It] was a boy.
So, here's my confusion. He's already identified as a boy when the sentence states the character is turning [his] back, so the next sentence "It was a boy" seemed redundant.

Closing comments
One absolutely dead-on way to add in the creepy factor is to include a child. You nailed it. Great conclusion.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
380
380
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Neva! I found your story using the read and review option.

Overall Impression
Catchy title caught my attention. *Laugh*

I'm always interested in members brave enough to enter contests, especially this one. 300 words and 3 mandated words. *Shock2*

Wow. What a juicy tale told in less than 300 words. Nothing in the story shouted surprise! as I read along, following Gloria's travails. It's no easy feat to grab a lunch in a rush. The nerve of someone stealing her sandwich!

Setting/Conflict
Time is the conflict. Setting is clear, except her order at Starbucks didn't appeal to me at all. lol I liked that added detail though. Small matters make a big difference in stories, and as in this story, they often lend authenticity.

Characters
That was quite a conversation between Mrs. Overbee (great character name that created a mental image of the wife) and Gloria. That wife must have been super-mad to accept the frank words Gloria spoke. It was fun to imagine them sitting on the stairs, waiting.

*Question* No big deal. I think 'hand off rule' should be
handsoff rule

The first paragraph was a bit wordy, I got confused with the verb tense differences. In the second sentence, using 'sandwich' one time would have been sufficient.
(Even though the bag had her name on it, someone has [had]? taken her ham and cheese sandwich.)

Closing comments
Fantastic last line. Ha! I'd like to see the look on Mr. Overbee's face when confronted with his own indiscretions.

Just an odd question. Did the contest require a word count in the story? Also, a link to the contest might be of interest to other readers.

Excellent write

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
381
381
Review of The Accident  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Scarlett! Nixie here with a friendly review. I found your story by using the read and review option. *Smile*

The Hook
I'm not sure which brought me in more. The combination of the title and the brief description did the trick. Mostly, I enjoyed the laugh when I read "No Problem" *Laugh*

I was wondering . . . why is there a period after Accident in the title?

So, what can be done in 100 words? With your skill, something unusual and creative.


As the story goes
A bit of misdirection had me visualizing a traffic jam. Then at the end, she wanted to ram her wheels, which really had me guessing. Ah, so clear in the end. And absolutely adorable. For such a short piece to evoke this much emotion in me? Well, that means someone (you) has a lot of talent to share.

Thoughts/Feelings
Is there a mom out there who cannot relate to this story? I seriously doubt it. If a mom has a shred of dignity left after raising children, it's a miracle.

Lasting Impression
Excellent tie-in with the title. It was only after reading and then thinking a bit I realized the connection. Again, way to make me *Laugh*

Keep writing!

Reviewing your work was
My Pleasure tks.

Nixie
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Overwatch Guardian


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
382
382
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Asten! I found your story using the read and review option. And I'm the first to review it.

Overall Impression
I won't leave you in suspense. I really enjoyed your story. Although I'm not a YouTube person like Millie, her character was easy to relate to, and worry about. Yikes.

The plot thickens
Great job, slowly ratcheting up the suspense, while the reader is as clueless as Millie. I wouldn't have told my friends, either. I'd probably never want to sleep again.

*Questionp*
I've read this sentence over and over again, but I can't sort it out in my head. Who is saying [I was going to reply]? It looks like Millie simply says no because the quotes are closed. So I wondered how the rest of the sentence worked out. I hope my question makes sense. *Pthb*

I was going to reply, "No..." but I didn't think they would believe me.

In the sentence below, did you mean to type [he] not [they]?
"Unspeakable things, believe me," [they] replied.

A stand out moment
..."to not go digging too deep into the rabbit hole of the Internet."

Even though the rabbit-hole analogy is overused, I still found it effective in this sentence. The thought worked for the character you created. I would consider using only once, though. *Wink*

*Questionp* What is the significance of the words at the top of the story? Did you originally write this for school?

Closing comments
Simply having a child in a story often grabs readers. Kids are so innocent. So when they're shown as demons, the images conjured are quite upsetting. Gave me the shivers. Well done!

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
383
383
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2163178 Unavailable **

Hi SandraLynn. Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Cookout Raid!


This is Nixie dropping by with a friendly review. I found your story using the read and review option.

The hook
The extensive title stood out; I don't think I've ever seen one quite so long. The brief description cast a gloomy spell as I was drawn into the story. As a mom, I have no choice but to read and commiserate.

Is this short story a true one? It reads as if it really happened.

The plot thickens
Ugh. Rain on Christmas. Wonderful descriptions that brought the scene to life. Snowballs of rain had me laughing and nodding at the extent of your creativity.

Lots and lots of telling in this story. I wasn't put off by it, I read it all. But, really, the story needs dialogue. Verbal exchanges would sky-rocket the connectivity between readers and characters. This sentence was very confusing. Who's talking? The grandmother?

"Do you know where you're going? Do you have your car keys? Wait, you both need a jacket. Just breathe."

Carrie was a well-rounded character. Vulnerable and brave. Kudos to the mom for explaining the process so well. I've always found it best to tell my kids what will happen in advance. Dad's in the background, and there's no doubt as to who has imbibed.

Crazy with the loss of power at the hospital. That added another layer of tension. But Carrie was quite the trooper. One time, I was directed to three different hospitals to find my daughter, after her car accident. My stomach still flips, remembering that night, so long ago.

The conclusion
I have a strong feeling that you're done with this story. I have a few written that I know won't be edited again. At any rate, thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. It was my pleasure. *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
384
384
Review of In Plain Sight  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #2163178 Unavailable **

Hi Than. Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Cookout Raid!


This is Nixie dropping by with a friendly review. I found your story using the read and review option.

The hook
I think most readers are interested and curious about what is hiding in plain sight. The brief description doesn't really say much about the story, so it didn't create a magnetic draw. But once I started reading, I couldn't stop.

The plot thickens
Way, way out there with this plot. That interested me because I had no idea where this was going. I had to carefully read all of Lucy's explanations. I needed as much convincing and explaining as Harold did. I had the same reactions. So what if my arm can come off? I'm not even sure I buy Lucy's quirky observations, but if someone finds a way to be happy, good on them.

This sentence was my favorite. The adjective showed exactly how the mannequin moved, and it created a sort of dread for me. Mannequins come to life would be stepping with terrible grace. *Thumbsup*

Stepping from his pedestal with terrible grace

Last act
Brilliant imagination in this little story. I was thinking of a Dr. Who episode, where the mannequins do come to life. But they were out to kill.

So many moments caused introspection on my part. Harold realizes they are born and they die in the same place. Like the circle of life can be visualized. They say humans are born alone and die alone. That's kind of similar. AS you probably noticed, I'm going off into my own imagination. What a wonderful accomplishment. You've set this reader on an adventure by pulling me in to your dream. Nicely done!

The take-away for me would be my favorite sentence, highlighted above. *Smile*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
385
385
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #2163178 Unavailable **

Hi Jody. Welcome to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Cookout Raid!


This is Nixie dropping by with a friendly review. I found your story using the read and review option.

The hook
Interesting, the first time I read the story title, I read it without the 'a'. Then I wondered why there was a question mark.
Mark me as one of the ones who never heard the 'a'.


The plot thickens
Very cool idea for a challenge, and what a believable dialogue you developed. The situation felt real. If I was Armstrong, those would be my questions as well. He was slightly offended, or annoyed by what was asked of him. But his disquiet was unspoken, hidden in the dialogue. Although he almost snapped when the interviewer mentioned convenient, he kept his cool while making a valid observation, that bore out in the truth. I was sad, thinking he had been bothered all these years by such a trivial thing. Humans sure know how to kick sand when the attention should be on the event.

In the beginning, The interviewer called Neal Mike. Right there, it shot down his credibility and integrity as a journalist.*Rolleyes*

Without the 'a' the sentence would still have been 'politically' correct for that time in history. The best would have been 'one small step for a man, one giant leap for humankind.'

I clicked on the link because I was interested in what exactly was said. Thanks for including that.

Technically speaking
An ellipsis has seven spaces.
Okay, testing . . . one . . . two . . . okay. Now, Mr. Armstrong..."

Because Neil interrupted the interviewer, it might make more sense to use an em dash rather then ellipsis after 'Armstrong'.

A small matter of little consequence. Just mentioning it.

The conclusion
I liked the way Neil brought the interviewer's attention back to something current, rather than allow said interviewer to continue a pointless argument.

Excellent work!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
386
386
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Lison! I found your work through the read and review option.

The kindest action I can take when reading a piece like this is to encourage the author (if he/she is serious about writing) to go back and rewrite. The bones are there, but everything else is missing. The punctuation is, I hesitate to say wrong, but at least put in spaces between the sentences. Maybe it's a problem between different word programs.

The name [Lol] brings to mind the acronym for laugh out loud, which added another level of 'this makes no sense' to the experience. Unless you meant it as a joke.

However, the ending leads me to believe you believe this is a real story, through and through. Maybe with some fleshing out, a real conflict and resolution, a more vivid setting . . . you see my point, I'm sure. The cliches are overpowering. A reader longs for more than cardboard characters.

I'm not one to step on anyone's toes, but I don't see any other way to review this. Perhaps this is just something you jotted down without much thought, or maybe you planned on coming back to your work for some editing.

What I really liked was the title. Great choice!


Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Overwatch Guardian



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
387
387
Review of A Moving Day  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mikey! I found your story using the read and review option.

Overall Impression
This was a fast read that made my mind twirl. The whole scenario from beginning to nearly the end seemed bizarre. What mother would tell her child to let an unknown man into her bedroom? I knew something more was happening, but the only way to find out was to gobble up the words.

Special Moments
The beginning. How different to begin a story from the outside in. It took a few sentences to follow the story line, but I liked the change from the ordinary.

Cute kid with good descriptors. From suspicious to thrilled.

The upset
Once again, I questioned the guy's motives. He's interested in a random child's diary? What a jerk. Maybe if he had a daughter the same age he'd be curious. But otherwise, it's just creepy. However, this unlikely scenario led to the twist. Sandra sure had her motives clear and the trap set long before he arrived. Kind of odd, all the way around, but kudos for innovation. *Wink*

Oops
Too many connections. *Laugh*
was the main bath, with a small connecting hallway connecting the master bedroom

Both question mark and period? I'd go with the period, not the exclamation mark. General rule of thumb: Exclamation marks are rarely seen and used for short one word answers. No! (Sorry if I'm telling you something you already learned. I noticed this was written two years ago.)

"C'mon in, mister. Come see my room!."
"C'mon in, mister. Come see my room."

And in the end?
Despite my reservations, the story makes sense if written for this specific contest. I'm in admiration of writers who don't hesitate to participate. The open ending worked well for the purpose of this piece.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review your work. *Smile*

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
388
388
Review of Second Honeymoon  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Trish! I found your story through the read and review option.

*Baretree3*
Overall Impression
Great story that held my interest all the way through to the twist in the conclusion. Ha! Poetic justice. You're about to read a bunch of questions, just remember how much I liked your story. *Bigsmile*

*Baretree3*
A closer look
At first, I was completely confused, all due to one tiny lapse of attention. In *Paragraph* 2 S4, it reads
She's been surprised...
The entire story felt off. Was this currently happening? Was she going back and remembering a time when she's been surprised? Realizing this was a typo and you meant '[She'd] been surprised' answered my question.

Speaking of [surprised] it's been used twice in the same paragraph. It's repetitive.

In *Paragraph* 4 it reads
'Carl was in the kitchen'
which confused me all over again. Stick to one verb tense. 'Carl had been in the kitchen.'

Passive verbs slow down the read. Past perfect tense adds up to a ton of [had beens]. Maybe writing this in present tense, rather than memory would enliven the story and lessen the wordiness. *Wink*

oops
he promised with a smile as he started to the dock.”
ending quotes misplaced.

It would be so nice to have him all to {{i}/i}herself
Did you mean: It would be so nice to have him all to {i}herself {{/i}


*Baretree3*
Emotions evoked
Marie's predicament was easy to relate to. I've never lost a husband on a lake, but I do know what it's like to wait, uncertain, confused and fearful. All of these emotions were expertly displayed through her actions and inner dialogue. This one sentence made my heart speed up. In this place, I truly felt her fear. Now the realization that something could be really wrong set in

Another suggestion. It's best to stick with one POV. The story is being told through Marie's POV but switches here.
Detective Turner watched as the small boat quickly disappeared into the darkness
The reader should not be able to look through Turner's eyes. We only have Marie.

Some of what I read was repetitive, and easing up on the passive verbs, possibly turning this to present tense would pick up the pace.

*Baretree3*
Last question (I promise.)
So the dad more or less knew, but what boat tipped over Carl's? The Game Warden? That seems unlikely since the lights were so bright. Now maybe I'm missing something. I wondered if the dad was the tipper, but his boat was small. *Confused*


*Baretree3*
And in the end?
I felt as if I were in the story myself, watching it play out. Nicely done!

The unique setting and Marie's escalating fear made it impossible for me to stop reading. And, I only ask questions when the story grabs my interest. Thanks for the opportunity to read and review yours. *Smile*



Love this image from Brooke! Personal signature

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Overwatch Guardian


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
389
389
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Mordee! I found your story using the read and review option. And I'm wondering why we've never crossed paths before.

Everything about this piece hurt. In a way-too-familiar way. The beginning was exactly as you wished. A sweet, poignant scene, all too visible to my 'interior' eyes. Not the exact circumstance or precise setting, but familiar in the way one knows when death is present.

My dad died in the hospital. Similar to the wife in this story, I'll never forget my mom kissing him and saying, I'm going to miss you so much, honey." It was pretty awful. Even knowing it was his time didn't comfort much.

Sorry I sidetracked over to my personal life. But I take it as a compliment if someone relates personally to something I wrote. That tells me the writing is authentic.

Excellent word choices. Fresh and descriptive, rather than worn out and expected. A video biography playing, is one example. So very nicely done. Now I'm a bit teary-eyed so that's all I can write.

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
390
390
Review of Go.  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Derek! I found your story using the read and review option. So I'm here welcoming you to WdC and dropping off a friendly review.

This somewhat 'stream of consciousness' worked for me. I liked how all the words ran together, as surely as those kind of thoughts do. And, sadly, I know exactly what you mean. It started when I was a kid. I'd look out my bedroom window to the woods outside, and just want to start walking and disappear forever.

Of course that's an abstract, the same as your words project. It's not a specific place where a person can go. It's that feeling inside you talked about. The answer is a sense that somewhere there can be something more, something that will shake up a person's life. Thing is, where we go, mentally or physically, we always take ourselves, an action of futility, as expressed in your last sentence.

I have to tell you how much you're portfolio picture mirrored this piece. I looked at it and thought 'that's exactly how he feels, and exactly what he's written about.'

"Thanks for sharing" is so lame and plebeian, but it does come from the heart. Keep on writing. You're not alone. *Smile*

~Nixie

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
391
391
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Duke! I found your story using the read and review option.


I think you've really got something good going on here. The last few lines were brilliant, and unexpected. Some bumps along the way had me distracted, but I wanted to see what Bill was up against in his ordinary, hum-drum life.

I like how this started out. A scene from nature, with a clumsy human being not even aware that he was trampling something beautiful. That fits with his 'blame everyone else' motto. It seems Will sees only himself and how others fit in his world.

First and second paragraph, no problem. Excellent job transitioning the scene from the outdoors to the 'synthetic sounds'. That line grabbed my attention.

I can't really review anymore without pointing out the places that can be edited to make this less confusing.

Paragraph three, the 'good morning Bill." "My name is Will." had me scratching my head. Really, it's only one simple thing that will get this on the right track. All the dialogue runs together and is confusing.

The dialogue is running the story, so let's get that figured out. Basically, whenever a different character speaks, begin a new paragraph.

Remember to spell out numbers less than 100, depending on what set of rules you follow. [7 years- seven years] [30's-thirties]

A few more areas need some sprucing up, but I don't want to weigh you down.

The last lines were a sharp departure from the rest of the story and handed down a philosophical observation. That's why I chose to write this review. You turned the whole plot on its head. And now, of course, I'm singing that song.

Which reminds me. Your work needs a title! Some use words in the story to create a title. Others despise it. You could always go with African Rains or something more clever to grab the reader's interest. No title might signify a loss of dedication and belief in the author's own work.

Yikes! Is this sounding like a lecture? I'd rather welcome you to our wonderful writing website, and hope you find it as addicting as the long-term members. It won't take long, if you're interested.

Keep on writing!

Nixie *Bigsmile*

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
392
392
Review of Lost  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jacky! I found your story using the read and review option.


I really liked the way the story started off in the middle of the action. I didn't have to read the details leading up to the climax because it was all spelled out as the plot unrolled. I wish it were perfection, but I had to back up and read it a few times to 'see' what was happening.

Expressive setting! A barn that might have been a haven proved unusable, plunging the character into another dubious situation. Once you're lost, you're lost. I couldn't miss the significance of the owl showing the way. They are very wise. But I didn't understand this sentence.

I heard the lonely screech of an owl, adding, embarrassingly, frightened.

One thing worth considering. Characters need names to help readers identify. I'd call this kid a Norman. He's not too bright.

*Questionp* How can you show his name?
At the end, turn what you've written about the parents into dialogue.

As they came in, they asked, "Hi, Norman. How are you?"

I would also suggest naming one parent, since I don't think both would speak the same words together. For example:
As they came in, Dad asked ...

What about a more interesting title? This is a big moment in a young man's life. Lost just doesn't seem adequate.

One last consideration and then I'll leave you alone. *Laugh*
"Rules" dictate nothing in fiction happens [suddenly]. It just happens.

Not a big deal, but it does catch my attention when I see that word. Some authors use [just then] but that sounds off to me. I'm awfully opinionated tonight. Good thing it's just one person's POV.


Fun read! Outstanding ending wrapped up the story. *Smile*

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
393
393
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeB*


*Candy4*
Overall Impression
Oh, Maryann, I think the only thing that surpasses this adorable story is the image at the bottom. She's definitely the epitome of your character.

Thoughts
So many things to chuckle over. Excellent take on switching up a fairy tale to be in sync with modern times.

I liked the antagonist's presence. She wasn't crazy mean, just the right amount of vanity and more vanity. lol

Excellent name choice (Fire Bright). It reminded me of Lornda's new alter ego, Shadow Flame. Fire Bright is simply sweet and innocent. Sometimes the antagonist plays on for too long, when I want a quick resolution. Seems GoT served you, and me, well for this purpose.

*Candy4*
In closing
I can only imagine the pressure of GoT. Your work here is spectacular and something you can always be proud of. Even after 16 years at WdC, you continue to wow people. The site would not be the same without you.

*Star* The hot sauce revived Fire Bright. *Laugh* *Thumbsup*

** Image ID #2154063 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
394
394
Review of Year of the Horse  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Fyn. Nixie, here. I found your poem through the read and review option. I don't think I've ever reviewed anything written by you before. And, I rarely review poetry. So I'm on shaky ground here.

I'm impressed by the way you demonstrated yourself in this poem. Your 'horse' persona worked beautifully to this end. The words are unusual, and the phrases take more than one read to appreciate. Everytime I read this, I feel as if I'm learning just a bit more about you.

A few days ago, I was thinking about expressing through the negative to create more impact. 'uncorralled' struck me as unique.

I smiled at the subtle joke in the last line--the words 'meanders forward decisively' creating opposites.

Wow, tough requirements for this challenge, and you conquered all. The words that had to be included flowed naturally. They were employed to your advantage, further demonstrating your creative flair and abilities.

I thought twice about 'warp speed' in conjunction with a horse. That's the only place where I hung around, unsure.

Very cool cover art. I wondered where it came from and then saw the notation at the conclusion. Your dad must be gifted with a different type of creativity.

Time to go before I trip over my tongue. The poem was a jewel discovered through a casual read and review.



Reviewing your work was
My Pleasure tks.

Nixie
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Captain


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
395
395
Review of Paralyzed  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Scott. Nixie, here.

*Baretree3*
I almost stopped reading this because I felt sick to my stomach, knowing what would happen. But I kept reading anyway, and when I read 'organized his lies' I was hooked. The sickening scene was set, and I was the one watching the train wreck with fascination.

I didn't need to picture him, physically. When the depraved are that low, they all look the same in a mug shot. The character was all movement, no soul within. A snake uncoiling in the sun.

And then down the alley. I was sinking lower, my reservations about continuing to read rising. The line 'forcing her legs apart' really did me in, and then bam! the twist.

How unusual to have place the twist in the same stanza. The woman moaning was totally nonsensical, until I read the next line.

I really liked all the stanzas, but stanza ten sounded off. I'm sitting here wondering if you even need it. For some reason, it feels as if someone else wrote stanza ten. I know that's not possible, but it helps explain what I experienced.

Now, I could have spared myself a lot of upset had I read the title and brief description. Honestly, I skipped past the title because it didn't grab my attention, and ignored the brief description. I know, it's an awful thing for me to do. But I read magazines from the middle to the front. Anyhow, once I read the brief description, everything made sense.

Well done dark poetry. I'm feeling kind of icky right now. The woman must have been waiting for him to make his move. Maybe she'd seen him lure other women. I don't think many women carry a blade with them. I was interested in finding out a bit about her. He's scum. She's a mystery.

Wow. You joined WdC only a few days ago! Welcome! I hope you enjoy it here. Please don't hesitate to ask any questions about the website. It's all explained in Writing 101, but sometimes it's easier to learn from another person. Me? I just click on stuff and see what happens.

Take care and keep writing!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
396
396
Review of EXCESS BAGGAGE  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Prophetess Tonya Brown. Nixie here. "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  is raiding today!

This short work is a bit difficult to review. The reader doesn't get a chance to sense the 'real' you. The emotion is there, more or less. There's a bit of repetition that can be weeded out for a stronger impact. It's one thing to use similar words to emphasize a feeling, but, especially, in these brief lines the effect lessens the impact.

That's not to say the work isn't totally unrelatable. Most of us have probably asked ourselves the same question many times.

Your work deserves another look.

[I] is not capitalized when it should be.

I know all this baggage from life [have] [has]

Now [i don,t] know Now [I don't] know

time to drop [them] bags off. [those]

Otherwise, I appreciate the insight demonstrated in the last line. It indicates you take responsibility for what's happened in your life.

In a short work like this, an author can't afford to make mistakes. Time to do what we all dread. Edit. And keep writing!



** Image ID #2148501 Unavailable **









*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
397
397
Review of Bullying  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Rae. Nixie, here.

While prowling through read and review, I was on the look-out for something light to make me laugh. So please consider it a compliment that I paused and read your work.

Toward the end, you mentioned the need to converse on topics both uncomfortable and fun. To be honest, I was very uncomfortable reading the reasons you were taunted and bullied. As a mom and grandmother, it's heartbreaking to learn this about someone. I found no fun in your article, (how truly sad) and it's great that you're working with your kids, balancing the two topics.

The work is conversiave and frank. No posturing here. I admire you for having the courage to write this in the hopes of sparing a child such intolerance.

A few errors here and there, easily picked up with another read. It's a little wordy. I think a bit of reorganization would help, concentrating only on what is tantamount. Paragraphs 7, 8, 9 and ten could be more concise, or more white space.

Also, the collar bone breaking is a little confusing. You might want to leave that out of the second paragraph so it's not repetitious when the revealing moment arrives. I'm fairly certain a kid would be expelled for hurting someone else that severely.

Even though the teacher's plan to help you make friends (during lunch) didn't work, at least someone noticed and made an effort.

I think the amount of bullying is decreasing, as schools administrators are more aware than before. That's opinion, based on signs I've seen at schools and workplaces. Yes, bullying at work is yet another concern.

Most important is communication. I was lucky that all three of my children came to me with their joys and sorrows during their younger years. Middle school, as you mentioned, can be the worst as children come into their own.

Sometimes I read backwards, and here I am commenting on what should have appeared in the beginning. It's weird, I know. The title leaves no doubt as to subject, and the brief description lets the reader know this is a serious work, not to be taken lightly.

Welcome to WdC! And thanks for sticking out a welcoming hand by trying to change the world child by child. Keep writing!

** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
398
398
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Delight* "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Star* *Sun* welcomes you to WdC by raiding your port! *Star* *Sun*


Hi Mabel. Nixie here.

I absolutely love your honesty here, honesty that many can relate to. As a matter of fact, it's a cold Saturday morning, and I'm at my desk wearing flannels. lol

Beating up on oneself is a pitfall. I do it all the time. Then I remember just how insignificant my life is. Yes, we're made of star stuff, but we're of little consequence to the universe. No doubt our actions change events, but thinking about my little person helps keep things in perspective. My motto is not for everyone.

And may I just add, this lighthearted piece is hilarious. *Laugh* The little asides made me smile. The commentary wasn't overly long, which was a good thing. Expanding this further would have detracted from the magic.

Good on you for all the parts that you love about yourself. I could use a bit of that 'plays well with others' in my life.

We can only be ourselves, and that's enough (or it should be).

Keep on writing!

Click to go to WDC Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
399
399
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Delight* "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
*Star* *Sun* welcomes you to WdC by raiding your port! *Star* *Sun*


Hi Morgan. Nixie here.

Wow, you tackled a monster-sized topic and brought out the most salient points. The internet is a vast tool that keeps expanding, and caution should always be exercised when researching, or just plain looking up information on how to brush your teeth. lol It's easy to be misled.

I think now the internet is at a place where society can handle the consequences and the scope. I do worry, however, that this will become unmanageable. Already, people, even while dining out with each other, spend their time playing on cell phones, rather than making conversation. Some people allow cell calls to interrupt important undertakings.

*Notep* One suggestion, which is another sad commentary on culture. Readers look for lots of 'white space' and large font size so they won't be slowed down. To avoid this pitfall, consider increasing font size and using more paragraphing.

*QuestionP* I was wondering about the reference to WW2 and how use of the internet would have stopped the war. The only reference I can think of was that Japan surrendered before we nuked them. But that's just something I remember hearing, and not necessarily factual.

Our president is placing us in grave danger and making Americans look stupid. I know some still support him, so I'll say no more.

I enjoyed reading your article. Of course more could be said, but at this length, you're likely to gain more readers. *Checkg* Keep on writing!

Click to go to WDC Power Reviewers


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
400
400
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dradak_Steelmaw Nixie, here.
Welcome to WdC!


*Type*
Overall Impression
I enjoyed reading this light children's story.
The scenario made me feel nostalgic for long-gone friends, and the simplicity of childhood.


*Type*
Setting/Plot/Characters
Excellent job introducing your protagonist and setting. The added delights that 'showed' how good the cheese tasted put the reader right next to Milo. The crispness dunked in ketchup *Sick* further enhanced the intimacy you were building.

Milo seems like a nice kid who loves his nana, but feels lonely. We see his vulnerability when he worries about the other boy liking him.
Nana, so knowledgeable, makes the perfect remark. You won't know unless you try. And that was all Milo needed to hear. Maybe we all need to remember that. *Checkg*

The coincidence of the two grandmothers meeting and liking each other added another layer of an easy-flowing simplistic plot, which should be a breeze for a young reader.

One suggestion would be to create a little more conflict, so the story isn't all rainbows and unicorns. *Laugh* The two boys and the grandmother's had no problem getting on. A little confrontation would spice up the story. The pink boots on a boy might have caused some form of rejection on Thomas's part.

Do boys still play cowboys and Indians?

*Type*
Considerations
Remember to begin a new paragraph each time the dialogue shifts between characters.

Since the story is told from Milo's POV, the last paragraph is out of sync. Milo can't know his grandmother is watching unless he sees her.

How does the title fit in? Is this part of a larger work, because Thomas and Milo are not having a grand adventure with magic, as indicated in the brief description. *Confused*

*Type*
Lasting Impression
The story created a 'homey' down-to-earth mood. How refreshing to find two boys playing in rain boots, rather than glued to a tablet playing games. Great imagery throughout. I laughed, thinking of the boys trying to lasso one another.

Keep on writing!

** Image ID #2100559 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1,291 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 52 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/16