Hi Myles. Nixie here. I saw your review request on the HUB.
A disturbing and well-written story. Clear world building. Definitely never bored, as you asked about this in your request. Excellent title and brief description. And you effectively grossed me out.
One concern. In the beginning of the story, I wasn't aware she was dreaming, which made the first part a bit confusing.
The story flowed smoothly and logically (some comments below) with the fear factor soaring due to Kate's actions.
Descriptors of what Kate saw from the window immersed me in the story. Danger lurks even outside. The Blackshirt patrol spoke volumes. What an awful society.
The (bird) attack pushed the fear-factor higher. They were so weird and disturbing. Nicely done.
Why or why did Kate open up Nando? Doesn't she know those things probably spread?
My comments
Firstly, I would not have written such an extensive review if I didn't like your story.
I noted possible editing required while I was reading the story. So the review is a bit messy. If you follow your story, you'll see where the sentences are. Don't worry. All I did was tweak, which may not even be necessary.
Character questions Kate and Nando.
Jim's character worked well as the worried husband. No need to tweak the man. Except...
Character names? Kate and Jim? Boring and too generic. If you dreamed up the name 'Nando" surely these to can have more interesting names.
Note: with the w/c restriction, I doubt you'll have room to expand on these characters.
Excellent job slowly revealing the character, Nando. Ar first he's merely a name, then we see Kate's interaction with him. Would she really do that?
My perception? Kate was a visionary and a sweet person. We really don't know her, other than the fact that she has foresight. She's violent only in her smashing of walls.
Most likely, I see the good in people and automatically applied that to Kate. I might have drawn the conclusion she was a horrible woman. However, her compassion was shown in the interactions between her son and husband.
Here's an action that shows a bit of Nando. I'm sad the husband had to participate in the black market.
Nando'll help me smuggle some food back."
Uh-oh. A clear indication of trouble escalating.
As promised, picky comments follow:
Clawing my hair
I can't figure out how a woman can claw her hair. What about (yanking) Or clawing her scalp?
The head punched a hole in the chalkboard (sheet rock?) (plaster?)
What door are we talking about? I thought he already left?
We're goin'." Jim strode from the room, slamming the door.
And here:
...tearing panelling and insulation from the wall before the bedroom door crashed open.
Sometimes clever is to clever.
...when I saw fear painted in his moist brown eyes.
Painted eyes didn't work for me. It also disturbed the read. I'm guessing you're looking for a verb that relates to moist, or something wet. Maybe [reflected]?
"I'm sorry..." I burbled.
(burbled?) I checked the definition and think you could choose a more accurate word.
Burbling is more likely equated with water, although I did see a vague mention of murmuring. Why stop your reader cold as they ponder this word? Or at least this reader.
Nando's olive-skinned good looks and easy laugh drew me like a fly to shit.
I don't think Kate would think of this simile. Again, that's my perception. Maybe the scene between the two of them earlier leads the way to this crude reference. Swear words look worse on the page, rather than spoken.
I fled into the kitchen, barricading the bedroom door behind me.
Next sentence:
After shuttering the kitchen windows,
I thought she was barricaded in the bedroom?
While I quaked with sobs, (the)? insect drone rattled the apartment
Missing word (the)?
while I urged our son into his bolt hole,.
Period, not comma here.
"Ash, you fool. Yellowstone blew."
(At first I didn't understand the soldier's sneer. I thought Ash was a person, when really it meant Kate said 'snow, and the soldier corrected her.)
What about: The soldier sneered. "Snow? It's ash, lady."
I would put a paragraph between the soldier's comment and Kate's reaction. This will also create clarity.
Ok, that's enough from me. I can go on and on. And more comments are still in my head!
I hope another reviewer comes along so you'll have more than one person's suggestions. Like I said, nothing I've mentioned would effect the quality.
Take away? Great write!
Nixie ~ Chandra Charmer
Overwatch Guardian
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