*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/20
Review Requests: OFF
3,221 Public Reviews Given
3,260 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Template most of the time, covering setting/plot/characters/conflict/resolution if applicable. For shorter works, I concentrate more on feelings evoked.
I'm good at...
Short story, chapter reviews and in-depth reviews.
Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Romance, mystery, children's
Least Favorite Genres
Historical
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
essay, editorial, non-fiction, somebody's homework assignment
I will not review...
XGC, poems, prose. I am an animal activist and vegan, so cruelty or violent, unnecessary, death due to negligence is overwhelming. I am unable to review any pieces involving abuse of any kind to anyone. I like to keep my corner or the world happy, because I grew beyond my "challenges" of childhood and don't want to look back.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 16 17 18 19 -20- 21 22 23 24 25 ... Next
476
476
Review of the red light  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi there! Nixie, here.

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Congratulations on getting your work out there for members to review! That takes some bravery, especially when we're new and possibly unsure of ourselves. Maybe lacking confidence.

Still, it's our responsibility to offer our best attempts, and this work felt as if words were slapped on to the page, with no thought for punctuation or correct spelling.

Also, you have quite a story to tell, and properly presented, I can see this work becoming something fascinating.

Sometimes writing non-fiction is difficult. We were there, we saw it happen, and we write it down. Except that doesn't create a gripping read. Often, taking poetic licence to enhance the event increases the drama. I would be terrified to open a door with a red light glowing from the other side. I wanted to feel this when I read, but found only a factual accounting.

Should you decide to embellish, you would have to make a notation that this true event was slightly altered to create more of a story.

Looking inside ourselves is another way to connect with the reader. What were you feeling? Can you add some interest by explaining how you found the red key? Was it also glowing? Can you speculate on why a red, glowing teddy bear was the object in question? Here's a chance to embellish the story. You were disappointed when you discovered the source. You can take this all the way to the fictitious level. Most of us draw inspiration from individual experiences, anyway.

You may never feel like revisiting this work again. Maybe you accomplished all you wanted. So keep writing and move on to something new, if this is the case. *Wink*

Have fun discovering yourself, and the expansiveness of our website.


A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
477
477
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Elisha. Nixie, here.


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*



I found it easy to relate to your poem and liked the unusual method, naming a color to demonstrate depression. The poem began on a positive note, but after the second stanza, the reader understands that blue is not a positive color for some. Because I suffer from depression, I knew from the first stanza, and because you included the word in your brief description the poem would be dark.

Your unique choice of words stood out and saved the work from being mundane. The two foremost in my mind were "eclectic emotions" and "vapid as hell".

A fascinating observation--no one can bring us from the depths, and we're possessive of our misery.

Even though the topic is gloomy, your talent shines through. The more I read it, the more I liked it. You have a solid grip on depression, and for that I am sorry. Sometimes I think we write our best when we're gloomy. I guess what stands out in the end is how depression was shown to be undesirable, yet in some ways, coveted by the person.

Depression keeps us immobile, and we can't even reach out for help. Just lay silent until the episode releases us. My bouts generally last from three to four days before I level out. People have clinical depressions, and situational depressions. If an event is too much to bear, the depression lingers. But clinical has no trigger. It just is.

People don't transition until staying in one place is harder than moving forward. And then we act. Your final stanza captured my attention. It's interesting to think of loving ourselves when we're down. I'd say that's pretty amazing and enlightening. I'll try to remember that next time.

My only stumbling point was the first line in the second stanza. Capitalizing beauty threw me off, but maybe you wanted to reinforce the contrast. And it felt as if "the wonderful beauty" would work better than "a wonderful beauty". A small observation, from one reader. As always, the writer is the final authority.

Keep writing!

A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
478
478
Review of Eleven Years  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Hailey. Nixie, here. *Bigsmile*


Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Off the top
*Checkg* Enticing title. Somewhat vague, but not enough to turn me away. Now that the contest is over, you might want to edit your brief description.

Okay, here we go--
Nicely done! Perhaps an exclamation point isn't correct here, considering this is a personal, non-fiction write. One would think writing non-fiction is easy, but getting caught up in the details can be a downfall. We're so familiar with events, the story ends sounding dry, lacking life. Not so here.

Actually, I didn't see this was a true story until after I finished reading. Because it was a cramp entry, I thought the first line might have been the prompt. Then I thought it might be sage advice. But I've read a few cramp entries involving pajamas, so perhaps this was your jumping-off point to catapult into the actual plot.

The sensory paragraph in and of itself was remarkable, but when your mind began the associations, a sense of foreboding came over me. Everything, up to a point, sounded okay, but the worry never left my mind. One thing I would suggest is to break that section into paragraphs for greater effect. Right now, it's all jumbled together, words running into more words, lessening the impact, the hollowness of something lost.

After the shouting match, you chose two precise and vivid verbs. (slithered) and (curled). From those words, I formed a unique picture and imagined how that must have felt.

I agree with you. Many things we leave undone or unsaid come back to us in horrible ways. But spending a life asking what if becomes worse every time a person wonders. I can't imagine, in any way, what a child would say to parents under these circumstances. Something was a long time brewing. The argument didn't spawn from nowhere, and one action could not have brought it back to the point of creation. The initial conflict between parents.

So, yes, this is an excellent write. I hope, however, you don't really feel that your inaction as a child could have made a difference. No one should carry that burden. *Sad*

A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
479
479
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Elizabeth. Nixie, here. *Bigsmile*

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Overall Impression
It's so much fun to read about weird expressions that families share, even if it's fiction. The story reads like non-fiction, but it's not identified as such.

The back and forth between brother and sister had me laughing. It seemed a bit overdone, though. The brother had been looking for hours? And the sister had several suggestions? I guess if the reader takes the story at face value, and doesn't weigh in what seems logical, the plot works.

A few thoughts
The first paragraph (to set the scene?) was a little rough. The first sentence or paragraph is the writer's opportunity to snag the reader. I was thinking maybe you can work it all in as the plot unfolds. Which, really, you already did. Rather than opening with a telling scene, you might have the sister walk in and 'observe' her brother.

Something else to consider. It's possible to end the story with the last sentence, and leave out the two fully capitalized sentences.

Lasting Impression
When I'm on crutches, I have to bump my way down the stairs. I can't even begin to imagine walking down with crutches!

Strong points. The dialogue, for sure, really stood out. It's a great way to demonstrate characters. I know the point was to stretch it so the ridiculous worked, but it might have been stretched too far, with the brother looking at the sister, as if saying, anymore ideas, genius? She'd already given him every single possible gluten-free food to eat, right?

Yours is a story worth remembering. The remark was so outlandish and inappropriate, it was perfect for the moment. Families are insanely and wonderfully weird.

Keep on writing! *Bigsmile*



A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
480
480
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY 14th! WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, Maryann!

Your polar bear story is simply precious. But it also includes other elements to delight a young reader. I bet kids would get quite a kick out of the 'robot' named Roberta. From the story, young readers can fashion fantasies, thinking about teleportation and how it works. Also, excellent and simple description of galaxies. A bit of science mixed into the fun. And, a societal comment about planet awareness. *Delight*

Characters
Ava is a delightful character. She's visual in my mind through the details provided. Details were added into the action so there's not one trace of telling. *Thumbsup* Tammy is easily imagined as Ava's companion. The two girls have a lot in common.

Tammy expressed a moment of concern, worried about how long they would be gone. One thought, maybe Tammy can be the voice of indecision, to create a little conflict between the two. At first, maybe Tammy would refuse to go. Just a thought.

The second line had me remembering my first camera, also a gift from my dad. I loved that Polaroid and how it spit out images in a matter of seconds. Thanks for bringing that back into my mind. *Heart*

Tammy and Ava, on their mission, discovered a purple Polar bear! Only children, who still have open minds, can find the unusual and take it in stride. The girls approached Pixie with the proper amount of little girl admonishment and indignation, scolding Pixie for her actions. (Great name for a Polar bear, but the way.) I also like the alliteration in the owl's name. (Sophia Snowy Owl)

I can't decide which astounded me more. The fact that Pixie has an apartment, or the photos Ava will be taking. She'll have plenty of questions to answer when she arrives home with pics of exotic animals.

Small things stick out for me.
...skillfully pulled her long, black hair into a hair tie,
It's picky, but the word hair appearing twice in the same sentence stuck out.

I was also thinking about maybe adding some more current expressions to the dialogue.
"You should take a picture--
You should totally take--

When I choose stories for children, I look for new vocabulary words and also something to be learned, slipped in so the child doesn't notice, but is prompted to ask questions. You accomplished both.

I can't imagine a child who wouldn't enjoy reading your story. I noticed there are more chapters to come. Maryann, you might have struck a goldmine with your sparkly characters and unusual plot. The outrageous events and humor sprinkled into the mix was a masterful stroke.

Oh, how could I forget to say excellent job seamlessly working the prompt words into the story.

Good luck with the contest! You have my vote!

~Nixie


Happy WdC Anniversary


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
481
481
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi!
This is an April Laugh On!
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID Review!


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


*Asterisko* Title and brief description.
No need for a period in the title. I liked the way the brief description irked me. A clever jab to snag the reader. *Checkg*

*Asterisko*Immediate reaction
As a Vegan, I was ready to take umbrage at the audacity of this story. It took only a few paragraphs to pick up on the humor. Well done!

Unfortunately, now that you've described the horror fruits and vegetables must endure, the images will remain in my mind when I eat. Fortunately, I rarely consume apples.

*Asterisko* The 'plot' unrolls
It's so funny to read this because people like me talk about animals the same as the fruit and vegetables in here. And animals pollute the ground and water. The brevity of the words was almost convincing enough to make me feel like you were serious.

Just a side note: I'm not a hipster who plays garbage music. *Laugh*

*Idea* One (unimportant) aspect of the story was the presentation. No big deal, but if you look at the work, you'll notice paragraphs of similar lengths, other than the one beginning with "Because no one---" I think you can find a way to break the paragraph, if you're interested.

*Thought* Not to be prudish, but I don't think the zucchini comment furthered the plot in any way, and seemed in bad taste to me. Maybe it's a demonstration of character. If so, then the reader needs to see more of the same crassness in other parts of the story. This might require a rating change.

*Asterisko* Lasting impression
You slayed the conclusion with your one-liner. Well done! (The work, not the meat.) *Laugh*

** Image ID #2017263 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
482
482
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi!
This is an April Laugh On!
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID Review!


*AsteriskO* In the beginning
Nice picture of Albertsons for the cover art. The only store in my area went out of business several years ago.

I was positive this would be a story about not shopping with an empty stomach. The person always spends way more than normal.

I thought the beginning was a bit wordy and somewhat repetitive. But that's just my opinion and only objection. Once the story got going, the plot took off.

Okay, one more. I doubt it's of much concern, but I'd like to see the title correctly capitalized. Just saying.

*Asterisko* As the plot unrolled
What a wonderful introduction to show how this newlywed couple came to practice abstinence. I worried this might lapse into something overtly religious, but it remained on course in the humor genre. Which, coming from you, I shouldn't have questioned in the first place. *Laugh*

The setting didn't need elaboration as just about everyone can picture a church or parish. In this story, the characters led the plot. The dialogue was witty and authentic.

I expected more reaction from Jake, as he and Susie were newlyweds. Even older married couples would find this a difficulty.

*Asterisko* The twist
When the two returned to the final consultation, you had me in stitches. It seemed Jake had one distinctive turn-on.

The preacher was hilarious, his excitement building at every sentence from Jake until --'praise the lord'--which made me laugh out loud.

So you already had me captivated. The story didn't need much embellishment to make the plot engaging. Another trademark of yours. *Checkg*

I thought I had it all figured out when Jake explained how the two rushed for the car. And then, Wam! the final line. You're a firecracker when the plot does its twist thing. *Laugh*


** Image ID #2017263 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
483
483
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi SandraLynn. Your story was one selected for our raid.

This is an April Laugh On!
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID Review!


What a rollicking poem that read like a story. All the verbs you chose shone a spotlight on the action. None were repeated, and the scene was described through the reactions of everyone in the room. Well done, giving the reader a broad perspective. *Checkg*

A raccoon is a formidable creature. They often carry rabies, so I was slightly horrified at the thought of one being caught in a chimney! I'll never forget the one time I took the trash out late at night. In the shadows, I sensed something lurking, poised on the tree behind the dumpster. Needless to say, I never did that again!

But the bright and cheery words kept this upbeat and had me smiling and laughing, my fear aside while I read. The repetition of hullabaloo in both the story and brief description lent a country theme to this scene.

Not all the words rhymed, and the extensive punctuation drew me out of the conflict a bit. I've been slammed by writers before for saying this, but a fully capitalized title looks too glaring, too imposing, as if shouting to be read. Hey, that's just my opinion.

Overall, a wonderfully hilarious telling. You simply had me transfixed by the way you described the action. With some added graphics, this would make a fantastic children's story that I would be delighted to read. Nice work!




** Image ID #2017263 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
484
484
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Cheri!
This is an April Laugh On!
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID Review!


Fantastic conclusion!

Great cover art and title. The brief description drew me in. But when I read what the red x's were for? I did a slow burn. I would slay my partner for his actions. But every couple has their own way that makes the relationship work. *Wink*

Non-fiction should be easy to write. I mean, we were right there, living the experience. I've found it not so easy to write. I think the confusion on my part came from the sequence of events and uncertain settings.

Fixing the closet door made me think of a home, but then it sounded as if the boss was talking about an office. The landlord was hauling boxes of files out to the carport?

I think presenting the events on a continuous time line would help clarify a few things. I'm sorry to be asking so many questions, but I want to understand because the story sounds like a good one!

Some of the sentences tripped me up. Here's one example. I'm only copy/pasting part of it.
---and I go and not do the very same thing--

One thing to consider would be to consolidate some of this. Parse it down to the best moments, rather than relating all the details. Honestly, I don't know if that's the answer, I only know my confusion surpassed my enjoyment.

*AsteriskO* A few standout moments
The sea of red check marks created a strong image in my mind.
The county girl and the storm abrewing sounded precious.
Circuit breaker and blown fuse in the same sentence worked beautifully. Very clever!

I laughed when you described your reaction to the mouse. You really have one severed vocal chord? That sounds awful. Thank goodness no one shot the defenseless mice, but perceptions vary according to personalities. For me, the thought was 'overkill' *RollEyes* but for you, it made sense.

My dad once lured a mouse into a paper bag with a piece of cheese inside. This, from a though Marine, impressed me. I loved seeing that gentle side of him. Thanks for bringing that memory to mind. The good ones need to be savored and remembered.

What a crazy time you had! Storms, long shortcuts, enraged bosses and landlords. It's no wonder you screamed when the mouse appeared. Your nerves must have been totally frazzled.

Please remember, I'm only voicing one opinion. The work is yours, and only you know what's right for the story. *Smile*



** Image ID #2017263 Unavailable **



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
485
485
Review of Riverside  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Alonzo. Nixie, here.

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


Reading this was a no-brainer for me because my son recently left the army due to disability. I know how hard the transition was for him, and how his life was forever changed.

What I liked about your work (everything) was the laid back tone against the difficulty of returning. The story was both generalized and focused, as we watched her look out the train's windows and contemplate her future. You showed us what she didn't want. What was not specifically stated added to the intimacy of the read. We don't know what it was like to live on Browder Lane, but the reader can fill in the blanks, as the emphasis was on the returning.

The term shotgun apartment snagged my attention. I never heard this expression before, and it tied in with the tapestry of the plot. The generosity of her friends was also implied. How very kind to allow her to share three rooms. The mention of a riverfront dwelling opened up possibilities in my mind as to place and setting.

Interesting book she carried. I googled it to see how the work connected with this story. I didn't analyze the piece, so I don't know the relevance of the book as far as furthering the plot. (Nothing accidental should be in the plot.)

My son didn't come home with wanderlust, only severe PTSD. He enjoys the stability of his home. Everyone is affected differently, and what you added about where she might move to gave me another glimpse of the character. I think you can take her further into other stories, if she appeals to you. I would like to know what happens to her. Although the story is fairly conclusive. Side note: Does she have a name?

It seems your online writing course is of great benefit. Keep it up!

A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
486
486
Review of Heroes  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi, Darrenn. Nixie, here.
Your story was highlighted in this edition. Congrats!

"Noticing Newbies Newsletter (March 9, 2016)" 

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


I think you have a great idea to work with here. Who doesn't want to be a superhero and rescue kids from human monsters? I have to strongly disagree with your narrator on an observation. Long periods of mental silence doesn't mean the person is not intelligent.

I wonder what kind of minds she's been subjected to.

A few contradictions muddied the plot. The narrator was only able to read minds under certain conditions, but a few sentences later, this changed.
It happens fairly randomly things have to be just right.
Here's the beginning of the contradiction.
I can't turn it off

I think this is simply a matter of sitting down and focusing on how her 'gift' works, and then presenting it to the reader in a clear manner.

At any rate, she's not had it easy up to this point. It doesn't seem as if she has any support system at all. Did she tell her friends and family about her abilities? Or suffer in silence? Was she born with this ability?

I was a bit confused as to what happened in the second half of the story. I liked that you didn't draw out the ugly parts, or write sensationalized violence. The focus stayed more on the girl, and the situation she found herself in.

I noticed a few trouble spots here and there. Everyone has to edit their work, and it's the one down side of being a writer. One quick fix to help readers would be to paragraph this properly so the words don't all run together. *Checkg*

Check your work for proper punctuation and sentence structure. Watch out for misspells.

I encourage you to move forward from here and make this work. Don't ever be discouraged. Always keep writing. *Wink*

A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
487
487
Review of Outside the Box  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Emily. Nixie, here.

I simply wanted to say your poem made me smile, today. And, I found your work highlighted in this newsletter. "Noticing Newbies Newsletter (March 16, 2016)" 

Welcome to WDC from
*BalloonR* "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !*BalloonR*


I'm not much for reading poetry, but your first stanza had me thinking about tunnels of doubt and mountains. I liked the comparison between great depth and great height. Would it be surmountable? I wondered where the words might take me.

We're all familiar with the box analogy, but you took it one step further. It actually made sense to me. Hitting our heads on the walls. I thought, wow, that's an astute observation. And what comforts, imprisons. I had to read more.

I found a recipe to freedom. Forget climbing, change your mind set and fly over obstacles. It's an interesting visualization, although I don't think it would work for me. That's why I liked the final lines so much.

They speak of bravery and confidence. Two tools we need to keep in our back pockets should be find it possible to lift our heads from over-burdened shoulders. Better yet, we need to shatter those perceptions. In a different way, your writing led me to my own thinking. Great job!

Just a few thoughts. Most say punctuation in poetry should be consistent. Either all the same, or none at all. I think it's kind of annoying to enforce structure all the time. Maybe that's the reason I avoid writing poetry.

You might want to look over the phrases where the word [that] appears. You don't need it.

Here and there, I could be picky about word choices and originality. But the overall impression is uplifting, and we sure could use more positivity in this world. *Sun*

A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
488
488
Review of A safer Place  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Justice. I'm Nixie, and I found your story here "Please Review" 

Title/brief description
The word safer in the title needs to be capitalized. (In the body of the story, the title reads: A Safe Place)

The brief description drew my interest.*Checkg*

*Star* Time seemed to stop as I lost my self in the cocoon of my fingers.

(Myself should be one word.)

I highlighted the sentence above for two reasons. First, it's a snappy piece of writing. The image created is vivid, and your word choices unique and clever. Second? The story intrigued me so that most of the time spent reading slipped away. Nicely done!

When I first joined WdC, another member told me that stories about writers are not generally welcomed by publishers. Is that true? I don't know. But it did irritate me a bit to read yet one more story about an author. The upside of this? Mr. Donaldson's 'hobby' was secondary to the plot, and could easily be changed.

Also, what was the significance of him writing this to please his daughter? I think the writing hobby and the mention of the daughter cluttered the plot. If you want to keep both elements, the reader needs to know more about the daughter, which I don't think furthers the plot. In some ways, the story made me think of the TV series Castle.

What fascinated me the most? The advanced tech you invented. I wonder if an AI enhanced world is closer than we think.

Both the greeter and the ex are named Susan. (Just something I noted because the greeter didn't mimic the wife.)

I found a few places where the paragraphing was off. An easy fix.

*Idea* Fine tuning
Click here ▼

After the perturbing and bizarre alley scene, I wondered where the plot was heading. When the police officers called Donaldson by name, I shouldn't have been surprised. It's an AI driven world, so, of course, the local enforcement would know he was a detective. Still, I found
it jarring, in a good way. It returned the plot to something sensical.

Part of me didn't want the tech explained away as nothing more than cameras and computers. You did a bang-up job of accurately showing the reader how everything worked, and this was one of my favorite plot elements. Although, a computer can be an AI.

I most definitely didn't see the twist coming. Upon reflection, it made me think of another TV series, Pine Groves.

Overall? A great read that needs some tweaking.


** Image ID #2079057 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
489
489
Review of Nemesis  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Steve. Nixie, here. I found your review request on this page "Please Review" 



Excellent opening that put me immediately on edge with the silent, darkened hallway as a setting. When I finished reading, I wondered where I could find more chapters, because this one left me with burning questions. I hope you write more soon!

I missed a few clues at the first read through. Why didn't I suspect something when she came to empty the Major's trashcan, but in the hallway a laundry cart was waiting?

When she reacted with mock surprise, my mind jumped to the possibility of a love affair. The next paragraph describing Stevens cemented my assumption. I got caught up in picturing the man; my mind didn't register "Dark Angel."

Even though the Major is somewhat stereotypical, I think you needed this man to be perfect for the story to work. Was I more distracted by his appearance, or did my mind get stuck thinking "oh, just one more hot guy with the perfect body and winning smile."

The plot unrolled easily, and I could 'see' the characters interacting. The expensive watch that was mentioned a few times turned out to be an object used when he slumped on his desk, not some extraneous detail. Everything in the story should further the plot, so I was happy to find the watch had significance.

Really, the suspicion revolves around the Major, as I'm sure you intended. He didn't want Fausta to empty his trash, or to spend any time in his office, which raised a red flag.

Fausta was so unassuming, the plot twist caught me totally off guard. I thought, 'where did that come from, and why?' The next few paragraphs answered some questions.

*Idea* Tightening the read:

Some of the paragraphs are wordy. Remember, fiction is immediate, so something doesn't begin, it's happening. And in this instance, you can lose the adverb, an added bonus.
Thick white smoke began to spew from the device instantly,
Thick white smoke spewed from the device.

Speaking of adverbs ...
She quickly stepped back
All the adverbs need to be replaced with stronger verbs. In the example above, quickly is used twice in the same sentence. So, think about what verb describes quickly stepped back. jumped/hopped/retreated/scooted are a few that come to mind.

In the second half of the sentence, you can simply delete quickly. Watch for any words ending in (ly) and ditch them. A thesaurus helps me.

The Major tried to wave
Be direct. The Major waved ..

She allowed herself her first real smile ...
See if you can restructure this sentence because it's a bit of a run-on and confusing.

It's obvious you took great care composing this chapter. What I pointed out is merely a question of practice, not a reflection on your writing skills. This chapter is outstanding, so keep on writing. If you don't want to fine tune this chapter, start another, remembering what I pointed out here. If it makes sense to you. *Wink*

Now, I'm off to preview this review and make necessary edits. *Checkg*


A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
490
490
Review of The Journey  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, D.L. Robinson. Nixie, here to celebrate your nine years of membership.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


My immediate, uninhibited response? Wow! And after a second of pondering: Fantastic write!

I was a little itchy when the first paragraph was presented in italics. Sometimes, authors forget to close them out, and the entire story is ruined for me. The realization hit after reading the story. The italics were essential to establish the mood, a sense of foreboding.

In my mind, the rooms aren't dank or musty. They're hardened walls of brick, unapproachable without a sledge hammer and a rush of determined adrenaline.

I digress. Back to the spookiness.

The reader is drawn in for a closer look at what the introduction hinted at. A solitary man on a contemplative journey. The unique verbs and sentences made this story stand out, despite the briefness required for the contest. Usually, I find myself wanting more from the author, which is frustrating for author and reader alike.

The experience is heightened by the first person POV and present tense. It makes the moment immediate, and I had feelings of misgivings. Not because I might round on a bear, but exactly for the same reasons as the narrator of this story. With the conscious mind stripped barren, the truth is naked.

*Idea*A torrent of ruminations [began to ravage] [cuts through it.]

I think you have some verb tense problems here. To stay in the present, [begins to ravage] would be correct.

The narrator wobbles into vague sensations before getting a grip on himself. What a sense of empowerment, when the driver buckles down for the adventure. I reveled in this moment. Victory over fear.

Just a side note. Unlikely as it is you will come back to this, I still feel compelled to encourage a stronger title and a brief description that hints at the plot. *Wink*


A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
491
491
Review of Hope in a Bottle  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sharon. Nixie, here. Congrats on 9 years of membership! Nice take on the title, and you found the perfect cover art for the story.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


A cute story that didn't quite ring true for me, but overall, was an enjoyable read. And, what a delight to see work carefully presented. The lack of errors and the correct paragraphing reflected the author's dedication. *Checkg*

In the first paragraph, we're introduced to Faith. I like how her clumsiness gave the impression of a young child, but the reader doesn't learn specifically why until the next paragraph, where we see the dad. I would have a hard time forgiving him.

I've seen Down Syndrome children portrayed with more innocence and forgiveness than the average person. Perhaps that makes the story more legitimate. She hadn't seen him since she was five. That's my earliest memory.

It seemed to me that the doctor would be the father figure, and her real dad more of a notion in her mind, not a reality. Well, none of that is meant as a criticism. I'm really exploring my feelings while typing.

When Dr. Turner walked in, the turn in the plot shocked me. Maybe this was a love story, after all. He seemed interested in Beth, and her attraction to him was powerful. Yet, they only remained friends. I suppose that's closer to real life, but my romantic side wanted Beth and Jack to marry.

Jack encouraged Beth to let Faith mature and explore the world in a small way. What a victory for all when Faith landed a job.

The emphasis stayed on Faith. Jack's focus remained on Faith, Beth's as well. I had a vague sense that the two were attracted to each other. So maybe it's on me that the story seemed unlikely. Just because I expected the plot to play out a certain way, does not diminish the author's intent.

And yet I continued to hope. I thought this sentence was a play on words. Faith never gave up hope.

Beth had a sense of foreboding that put an edge on the plot, but really, nothing came of it. She wasn't upset when the dad returned. The dad wasn't some scum bag. Beth and Jack were not in a relationship. That's what would have concerned me. If Beth and Jack were together, would the father's arrival upset the relationship?

*Question* If Beth and Jack were in a relationship, this didn't come through in the story.

The transition between scenes and times made sense, but possibly consider an asterisk to indicate the change.

If I have to give the father kudos, at least he sobered up and returned to Faith with a gift that demonstrated his love. He learned a bit about her, rather than showing up with some flowers and excuses. An interesting story to ponder left me frustrated. lol

A beautiful Simply Positive Reviewing Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
492
492
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Patrece. Considering all the times we interact with each other, I've never noticed the length of your membership. Congrats on 14! years. What an accomplishment.

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM
*CakeB* "Anniversary Reviews"  *Cakeb*


*Baretree3*
The Hook
The informative title and brief description made the content clear. Although the article is dated, your easy-going style held my interest. I felt as if we were sitting down for a chat, sharing a cup of coffee. (As you intended.)

*Baretree3*
A closer look
I remember the emphasis on keywords from a few years back when I wrote articles. One request was to use the word 'cheating wife' eleven times in a 750 word essay. Crazy, but I made it work.

There's a website (an off-shoot of Amazon) that pays a tiny bit to spin articles. (Some of the original work is wretched.) I worked it for a few years, but burned out. The requests have a time limit for completion, sometimes minutes! The site includes a tool that checks for authenticity, eliminating the horrors of plagiarism.

Even though the parts about keywords might no longer be relevant (or maybe they are), you offer some excellent writing tips. Authors have individual voices. This alone can capture an audience. Your reminder to stay true to oneself, even in a restricted environment, will always be relevant.

*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
Your honesty made me smile. It's true for me as well. Learning anything new means stumbling around in the dark and trying not to panic. I've convinced myself everyone else simply absorbs information, which sabotages my progress. I have to stay in my own mind, and accept the limitations without judgement. Once I relax, I learn.

*Idea* (The link you included is no longer available.)

Everything we write is a reflection of who we are. I appreciated the professional appearance of your article. You've taken care with paragraph placement, and chose a font style that appeals to me. The work is approachable. I've often clicked away from an item because it lacks that certain something that says, 'hey, I care about my work.'

Sorry I barely squeaked in a current anniversary review. In my book, the account anniversary lasts the entire month. I hope yours has been awesome.


** Image ID #2079057 Unavailable **





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
493
493
Review of Squirrel Hunting  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Leger. You're stuck with me, again. Although I'm no editor, reading is my favorite way to relax. I write these reviews aware the author will most likely not make any changes. Yet still I persist.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


*Type*
Overall Impression
First person POV and present tense is not so easy to pull off. But it does make the action immediate and increases the intimacy between reader and character. Well done!

*Type*
Setting/Characters
You gave me a solid sense of setting, and of the woman's mood. I have to say I resented her husband, right up until the end. Even the conclusion didn't put all my flames of fury and indignation.

What didn't work for me was the excessive wordiness and passive verbs in the opening paragraphs. Words like just and always are part of a person's dialogue, but in fiction, their appearance distances me.

I didn't like the husband at all. He sounded like a real jerk, and if I was married to him, I would never cooperate or comply. The fact that the wife was willing to hunt put a sharp edge on her boredom.

...and yucky description of the dead squirrel. That's on me, though. I'm a Vegan and have only myself to blame for reading a hunting story.

The plight of a pregnant woman is all to intimate in my mind. I'm glad those years have gone by.

*Delight*
Stand out moments
The baby kicking some sense into her caught my attention as the first bright spot.

I laughed at the picture you created of the narrator suiting up to go outside.

What really got me going was the scene where she rolled down the hill. *Laugh*

*Type*
Considerations
I miss the spacing found in your other stories. It's so much easier to read with paragraphing.

So picky.
I shed a layer of clothing and suck the belly in and finally succeed in getting the suit zipped up.
I won't copy/paste the suggestion. If you read this, I'm sure you'll pick up on it.

It looks like someone [dumped] a load of dirt out of a [dump truck]
Word repetition.

"We're going to sit right here,
missing closing quotes

throwing up all over the place." He shrugged.
he shrugged

*Type*
Lasting Impression
You succeeded in your mission. Both the title and the brief description pertained to the story, although I never put the two together like you did. Nice write!


** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
494
494
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Leger. Nixie, here.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


*Baretree3*
The Hook that snagged me.
I can't resist a story about tulips and moms. Throw a child into the plot, and I'm hooked. Why? Because of my sweet memory of my mom. I marveled when she planted tulip bulbs and explained how they would return in spring, year after year.

*Baretree3*
A closer look{/b}
The opening paragraph was a little vague because the characters were introduced using pronouns, not names, or designations. I know it doesn't matter much after 65 reviews and the passage of years, but you're stuck with me.

I don't think using names would have altered word count, but perhaps that was a consideration.

Mostly, I'm amazed that you conjured up so much emotion, and created a fleshed-out story in 310 words.

The child was so lifelike, I imagined myself holding him and trying not to laugh at his perfectly sensical conclusion. Add that to his solution, and you created a poignant and comical moment in time. Life captured on the page.

*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
And, duh. After I reviewed my review, it hit me that this was a true story. I didn't have any sense of this being fictionalized, which makes this even more remarkable. When does life ever present itself with such clarity?

And how often do we recognize those moments as life-changing?

Not using names makes sense because this was a true story. Still, I found that to be a drawback, and a source of confusion. But that's on me. One person's opinion. And here I am, reassuring you as if you were a newbie.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
495
495
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Jeff. Nixie here, again.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


The Hook
The cool title was enough to encourage me to read, despite the lack of a brief description. In what context would secondhand make sense? I wondered at what you were weaving. A farmer and a dragon? I can't believe I kept reading. I'm not a dragon person.

*Baretree3*
A visionary or an idiot
Each scene was easily visualized. When Silas bought equipment from the small man, I recognized this as foreshadowing, but ever the optimist, who believes in the underdog, I crafted a different meaning.

While Silas waited his turn, I thought of my dad during WW2. The only way to force the Japanese from hiding in the caves was to use flame guns. As the opposition fled, the marines shot them down. I know this sickened my father because he never spoke about the war. Not one word until the late '90's.

I related in another fashion, silly and not grim, by remembering something from high school. Standing in line, waiting my turn to hurdle the 'horse' in gym class.

*Note* Side note: Dialect can swiftly become tedious and overdone, but the tiny's man's dialogue was short enough to create interest and establish character without the pitfalls.

In my mind, the story went this way. Once Silas was disarmed and no longer a threat, the poor dragon befriended him and shared his fortune with Silas. *Facepalm* I warned you. I've ever the optimist.

*Idea* Lapse of attention
But me made it through
he made it

*Baretree3*
A closed book=lasting impression
I liked the droll conclusion. I can't recall a time in my life when I felt like Silas, but it made perfect sense for this story, and it made me laugh.

1000 words on the mark? I wouldn't change one thing and sacrifice that precision. In and of itself, the exact word count is a victory. You seem to handle contest prompts with ease. This usually means you were careful and cared enough about your work to edit out any mistakes. *Checkg*


** Image ID #2073436 Unavailable **





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
496
496
Review of The Choice  
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Jeff. Nixie, here.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


From the Top
"The Choice" is somewhat of a generic title, but the brief description put a fine edge on a dull knife. And, I must agree, you put a question in my mind that I'd never before considered. What if eternal life doesn't mean restoration of health?

Overall Impression
A story of compassion and dedication between man and wife told with precision and unique talent.

Side note:
Sorry, but I couldn't help wanting to scream. "You dummies. The fabled 'Fountain of Youth' is in St. Augustine, FL." I've been there. It's merely a fountain.

*StarR*
Plot/Setting/Characters
I like the way you begin stories with dialogue. Not everyone is successful using this approach. The gamble might leave the reader groping in the dark, but constructed correctly, it makes a strong opening. You're careful to present facts to stabilize the dialogue, firmly locking in context.

Plot, setting, and characters in place by the third paragraph. Conflict swiftly established. Time to settle in and read.

Roger and Abigail, the perfect couple. Roger cannot face the world without Abigail, often a side-effect of brilliance. Although Abigail is terminal, I formed the impression that she would be okay on her own. My siblings and I used to speculate which parent would fare better without the other. The answer is my mom.

Roger's dedication rings true, as his research becomes fevered.

When we find what we think we want our expectations are nullified. The fountain represented the futility and irony of life.

*StarR*
Parting thoughts
Of course I'm leaving here thinking, what if Abigail dies before Roger finds another fountain? Excellent closing scene.

** Image ID #1887901 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
497
497
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Jace. Nixie, again. I did warn you.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


Reader, pay attention
When I read the title and brief description, a slight hesitation stilled my hand. (Oh good grief. Now I'm thinking as a colonial would.) I was concerned the story might be ugly or abusive. But no. Jace provides the reader with another historical fictionalized plot.

Time and place
Adroitly presented in the beginning, as words written in a journal.

POV
Written in third person, the character has a name. And all the names reflected the time period. Well-chosen for the plot.

Character development
As Joshua drives the plot forward, his frustration finally leads to action, (foreshadowed by his reaction to the bullies). Joshua is influenced by both parents. Right from the beginning, I'm rebelling against the father, even though I understand his motivations. Joshua's mom provided him with the much-needed counter-balance.

We need thinkers like Joshua in society, right now. Complacency has to end. Awareness must blossom.

I lost track of which generation we're dubbing the current one. X, Y, Z? Anyhow, I see this generation as making a difference.

*Idea* Considerations
I see you have a favorite word. lol
He saw the need
was a man who saw
and what he saw bothered him greatly.
The Massachusetts colony saw
He saw his inability

The formal wording is correctly presented for the era. Stiff and 'wordy', for lack of a better description. In this one sentence, I think you can be more direct.
a measure [that always tended to] calm her son.
Suggestion: a measure that calmed her son.

Lasting Impression
Joshua's character is solidly constructed. The story never flags, despite the formality. It's a bit of a history lesson, but that only added to the charm, and created authenticity.

** Image ID #2078273 Unavailable **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
498
498
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jace! Nixie, again. At Kind Hearts, this is Purple Appreciation Month. We have a limited amount of purple cases, so you might see more reviews from me.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


In the beginning
Although not a fan of prompts, sometimes, by definition, they juice my writing. I rarely take on prompts that require specific words because it's difficult to blend them in. Not so with your work!

The thought foremost in my brain. Clever. Very clever.

Call to attention
Once again, the first person POV drew me in. What an opening statement! Character and conflict established.

As the plot unrolled
Even though the narrator is thinking, the declarations came from your mind. An excellent introduction on past observations led the plot forward.

I'm not sure why you switched font size in the same paragraph. Maybe begin another one when the story switches to action.

POV considerations
For me, names create character identification. In first person POV, the character sometimes is nameless, unless he's addressing himself. Otherwise, you might have provided a name in the few lines of dialogue.

The definition of 'xeric' was neatly incorporated into the story, so the reader could continue without interruption. (I wanted to look up the definition, anyway.) Labeling this term as archaic, gave the reader a heads-up as to time. *Checkg*

Lasting impression
More social observations in this piece, and I agree with the commentary. We're killing our home.

You do realize the song 'Tiptoe through the Tulips" is now stuck in my head. *Laugh*

Excellent job with metaphors all the way through.

** Image ID #1997248 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
499
499
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jace. Nixie, here.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


Overall Impression
This month at Kind Hearts is Purple Appreciation month, and I was happy to find a story with no reviews. I like giving attention to something overlooked.

The title made me leery. False smiles are as dangerous as teens who answer with "Yes, M'am." Their manners are so sweet, a person might see this kid as kind and considerate. Someone to be trusted. I'm here to agree with your smile statement and to add a word of caution about politeness.

Hook: The benign first sentences alarmed me. A man squeezing a ball belies his underlying thoughts. I liked the emphasis on your desk. Now the story has turned personal. I had to know more.

Characters/setting/plot

Character
The narrator speaks in first person, which serves the story well. We can listen to him think and see how ordinary he feels when he doesn't even stand up for his diploma. On a smaller scale, this reminded me of a high school incident, involving a solo I preformed in Chorale. Every soloist was called to the front and stood before the audience to receive accolades. Everyone except me.

For this reason, I bonded with the character.

Setting
The narrator has landed his dream career, albeit under suspicious circumstances, in a research lab. I don't blame him for not listening to the screaming voice in his head.

As the plot unfolds
Our future lies in science. The narrator takes us step by step through the process of discovery. Although scientific, it was easy to follow his actions. If such a thing is possible, I don't know, but it worked for the story.

Conflict
Animal testing is a disturbing topic. At least your character had compunction, even though he continued. He's such an engaging character, I followed every thought, wondering where this discovery would take him. Smart man, not to reveal what he created.

The plot halted for a moment, bringing the reader back to the benign introduction, the squeezing ball. Was this a metaphor for his discovery?

Lasting Impression
It took me a few seconds to understand the significance of his actions. At first, it seemed a let down. After all the gathering tension, he goes to the bank? Then the Ah-ha moment lit my brain. He's not Mr. Be Mindful of Implications. He exploited his discovery, serving the money god.

Yesterday, I was thinking about complacency in those who know what's 'right'." It is easier to be led by idiots than take action.

Great story, with subtle commentary on human ethics and motivations. Nicely done!

** Image ID #2031341 Unavailable **

Captain "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
500
500
Review by Nixie
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Joy. Nixie, again. I couldn't resist reading another post. We seem to be on the same page.

*Flowerw* This is a review from "Invalid Item"  *Flowerw*


Overall Impression
Good for you, being familiar with Lisa Cron's book! I'm not. With that said, her words might have rung with authenticity if she'd softened the hard-wired part. I know writing is dramatic, and maybe she was referring to a writer's mind in a clever way. What makes more sense to me is that I'm always writing stories in my head, or worst of all, narrating my life. Or my life "as it should have been." *Laugh*

I wouldn't call that hard-wiring, at all. Do you think she was just trying to be clever?

Thoughts/Feelings
I definitely agree with how our emotions and past experiences determine the way we interpret the world. The man wearing his safari hat was a great example to illustrate your point.

As to assimilating new data? I probably block out 75% of the world. I might see a person, but they don't register in my mind. I never think people notice me, but my brother is incredulous when I say that. He claims I turn heads all the time. Thanks, brother. *Laugh*

Lasting Impression
Every brain is unique, and mine is uniquely damaged. I take in information up to a point, and then my mind simply shuts down. I won't recall a movie from the night before. I can watch a movie or TV series repeatedly, and notice something different every time. But I digress.

Assimilating info on a need to know basis makes sense. But there's nothing normal about my brain. It turns on and off at its leisure. I try to take advantage of the times when its turned on. Too bad my mind isn't hard-wired for creative story writing. I'd probably be a lot more productive.

Thanks for another 'cup of coffee' chat. *Smile*

** Image ID #2073436 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1,291 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 52 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nixie9/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/20