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Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I know I'm a day late, but I still wanted to drop by and give you an anniversary review. I'm glad I did - this poem is terrific! I've thought about taking part in the NaNo challenge and am interested in the experiences of others in that regard. You perfectly convey the amount of preparation and dedication that are required to succeed in this light, humorous poem. The poem flows well, and your rhyme scheme is spot on. Great job!

My Suggestions: I would suggest adding a few commas to make a more fluid read. I would insert a comma after the word "in" in the last line of the second verse, after "month" in the second line of the last verse and after "Finished" in the following line. I would also consider adding the word "NaNo" between "for and "number" in the last line.

Overall: Thank you for providing this great poem. I'm sending a few GPs as a belated Anniversary gift and to try and make up for the recent lack of bots in scroll. *Wink*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
227
227
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts and Suggestions: This is an interesting and rather original idea for a story. It is thoughtful, well written and to the point. However, you're using this to urge a reader to read on. You want this short synopsis to entice a reader to look forward to diving into your book. In that regard, it falls a bit short. My thoughts upon reading this synopsis are "Well, it could be interesting, but so could thousands of other stories on this site. Why should I choose this one?" Make me want to choose this one. Tell me what I'll walk away with that I wouldn't have gotten by reading the other stories. What profound questions will be answered? How will the book make me feel? Enlightened? Unable to sleep at night? Horrified? Confused? Give me something to look forward to!

Overall: You have an interesting idea that, if further developed, could make readers anxious to read more. I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
228
228
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this interesting short story. In a rather short piece, you developed the characters well. I think I was just as anxious as Paige to find out the cause of the alarm and just as disappointed when she did find the cause. This would be a good story to develop into a longer piece, because I'm sure there is something behind the door being unlocked and the safe being open in such a fine home. Maybe Paige could be accused of a robbery? Or perhaps her brothers did it? Just some thoughts.

My Suggestions: Near the end of the first paragraph, the comma after "street" isn't needed. A few sentences later, "The had" should be "They had". In the second paragraph, "So, here we have Paige, all ready to sleep till noon" would read better as "Paige was ready to sleep until noon". The rest of that paragraph is in present tense even though the rest of the story is told in past tense. I suggest changing it to reflect past tense. In the first sentence of the eleventh paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "changed". In that paragraph, I would omit "What a shocker, right?" as I found it just detracted from the story. A few sentences later, I would omit the word "Yep". In the next paragraph, "it's neck" should be "its neck" as you're not using it as a contraction for "it is". I think the sentence "Up the stairs she ran and into the master bedroom." would read better as "She ran up the stairs and into the master bedroom."

Overall: This is a good story that would be much better after a thorough edit. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
229
229
Review of The Flames Lament  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Excellent use of the prompt! I think this was an excellent short horror story. You gave sufficient background to explain why the character chose to do what he did. Although the ending was a total surprise, you hinted at the possibility with the information about his love of music and desire to pursue it and his mother's suppression of his desire. The story was complete and full of action, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out what the character would do. The ending didn't disappoint. It was excellent!

My Suggestions: In the second sentence, the word "too" should be set off with commas. When you're talking about the people in the diner, I would change "all there" to "everyone there" as I think it would read more fluidly that way. In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "minutes". In the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "playing".

Overall: Thank you for sharing this great read! I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Last Chance  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this poem. I'm sure that many people, including myself, with the worry and walking on eggshells involved when, after a fight, your significant gives you an ultimatum about getting along. You characterized those feelings well in this piece. I liked your rhyme scheme; end rhyme worked well for this piece.

My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest putting the lines of the poem closer together to make for an easier, more fluid read. In the third line, "right her" should be "right here". In the fifth line, "each others" should be "each others'". I read the poem aloud and silently, and the last line seemed to wordy. I know your reasoning for using the word "today" in that line, but the poem would read more fluidly if that line were omitted.

Overall: Thank you for sharing this lovely poem. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Humming Bird Author Icon. I am honored to review your prose as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: This is a beautiful story. I can relate to reading story books to my dolls as a child and reading several books per day. Your story is very inspirational, and I admire you for working so hard despite your disability. Children can be so cruel, and I'm glad you didn't let it discourage you. It would be such a shame to not have the opportunity to read your beautiful writing and see how much you have overcome. I also love the title you chose for the story, and I'm sure that most of us on the site feel the same way!

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the first sentence, you say "When I was just five, I started learning my first alphabets." That made it seem to me like you were saying there is more than one alphabet and you were learning more than one of them at that time. I would suggest editing for clarity, maybe changing it to something like "When I was just five, I started learning the alphabet." A few sentences later, I would change "hooked to story books" to "hooked on story books".

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for sharing this emotional personal story. I enjoyed learning about you, and I look forward to reading and learning more!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Which way?  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Wiskers Author Icon. I am honored to review your essay as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: You have a very thought provoking piece here, and you make a lot of good points. I can think of many other instances in which someone gives an answer that is actually correct, but because it isn't the answer the the one who asked the question was looking for, it's considered wrong. In that case, I definitely agree that right and wrong is a matter of opinion. The points you brought up is something we rarely spend a lot of time thinking about, but when we start, we end up with more questions than answers. I love the scenario you posed at the end. I believe in a case such as that, you have do do what feels right to you. Very well thought out!

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the fifth paragraph, "its opinion" should be "it's opinion" since it's a contraction for "it is". In the fifth and sixth paragraphs, there are three instances in which "your" should be "you're". If the word is a contraction for "you are", it should be "you're". In the last paragraph, I believe you meant "blowing on it" instead of "blowing by it".

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for sharing this well written piece. It really made me think, and I totally agree with your opinion on the matter!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Lily  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Humming Bird Author Icon. I am honored to review yourshort story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: This was a beautiful and inspiring story. It was so good to read about Lily overcome her obstacles and be able to take victory in her triumphant race. I like the way you started the story on a sad note with the children refusing to play with Lily which made her victory at the end even more joyful. You made it easy to empathize with Lily and share in her joy at the end. Good job! I see this story was written from an image prompt. I'd love to see the photo associated with story just so I could see if it's comparable to the scene I pictured from your descriptive writing.

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the first sentence of the seventh paragraph, "sports" should be capitalized since it's part of the name of a venue. Also, you wrote that paragraph in present tense even though the rest of the story is in past tense. I suggest changing that paragraph to past tense as well. Finally, it seems like the third-from-last and next-to-last paragraphs are out of order. First, Lily was running in the race, but in the next paragraph, you to back to her arriving at the venue. The story would read much more fluidly if you changed the order of these paragraphs.

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for sharing this wonderful short story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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234
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Humming Bird Author Icon. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" Open in new Window..

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this short story. Although it didn't contain a lot of action, you gave what you promised in the story's description: an ordinary day in the life of a teenager. Your descriptive writing made it easy for be to picture the scene as you described. I could just imagine how disgruntled Saima was because of the mosquitoes. The story ended perfectly with a loving tribute to mothers. Good job!

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: I think your use of adjectives was a bit of an overkill in the first paragraph. While it was quite poetic, I don't think such exquisite words are needed to describe the room of a teenager. In the last sentence of the second paragraph, I believe you mean "contented" instead of "contended". Also, in the last paragraph, Saima skipped out of the door and came to a complete halt, but you never mention her actually going back inside or her mother coming outside. It left me wondering exactly how her mother gave her the money and the hug.

*ExclaimV* Overall: You have a great writing style, and I enjoyed reading this story story. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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235
Review of The mirror  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a terrific idea for a story. I loved the personification of the mirror, a somewhat original idea. I also like your writing style; your vivid descriptions made it easy for me to imagine the scenes as they were taking place. The setting for the story was perfect. Oh, what stories a mirror in a hotel lobby could tell! Good job.

My Suggestions: A comma should be inserted after "remember" in the third paragraph. Mainly, though, I would suggest expanding the story. The ending didn't bring closure for me. The story was great, but there are so many places you could go with it! As it stands, it is interesting but not nearly as memorable as it could be if something happened as a result of the 'seeing' mirror.

Overall: This is a good story that could be great if expanded upon. I would love to see more!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your entry in "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. Using only 100 words, you told a rather complete little tale of horror. I like your vivid descriptions. It made it easy for me to picture the scene that you described. While I was obviously expecting something to happen at the end of the story, I was not expecting the twist that you threw in with those last three words. Good job!

My Suggestions: In the second sentence, I would change "The main attractions were called the Horror Tunnel, and a big and noisy Carousel" to "The main attractions were the "Horror Tunnel" and a big, noisy Carousel". This would make the story more concise as well as free up a few words that could be better used. In the following sentence, I would change the comma after "horse" to a period, omit the word "and" and start a new sentence with "I swear..."

Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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237
Review of The date  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your entry into the "Psychological Story Contest" Open in new Window.

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this short story. Your vivid descriptions made it easy for me to imagine the chaotic scene as it was taking place. Your use of character dialogue was perfect for this piece. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a 300 word story that is coherent and complete, and you did an excellent job in that regard. I particularly liked the twist at the end.

My Suggestions: I suggest changing the comma in the second sentence to a period and starting a new sentence with "Who would go..." Also, the period after that question should be changed to a question mark. A comma should be inserted after "debate" in the second paragraph. "Ruth and Beth" should be set off with commas in that sentence. A couple of sentences later, "being the ill-considered sort" should be set off with commas. In the next sentence, "in retaliation" should be set off with commas. In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "seamstress". In the next paragraph, "without warning" should be set off with commas.

Overall: This was a good story that would be much better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more of your work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Betrayed  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this poem. You adequately conveyed how some betrayals can hurt worse than others. You managed to set the perfect tone for the poem, and the lines flowed nicely. You packed quite a lot of emotion into a rather short piece, and I could feel the despair and frustration in your words. Good job!

My Suggestions: Since you begin the poem with "Betrayed", the next line would sound better starting with "By the one..." instead of "From the one". The next line should start with "It's" instead of "Its" since it's a contraction for "it is". In the third line, the word "is" should be inserted between "it" and "friends". In the fourth line, "Its" should be "It". The poem didn't seem to come to a proper closure for me. You go through the hurt of betrayal and then end by stating not everyone learns their lesson. I think going down that avenue requires more of an explanation as to why some don't learn their lesson.

Overall: This is a good poem that could be even better after a quick edit and possible expansion. I look forward to reading more!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
239
239
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a sweet poem that adequately conveys your feelings of love and adoration toward the subject. I enjoyed the way you described different attributes of the person and how each of the attributes makes you feel. The ending way particularly intense, evidencing how strong your feelings for this person really are. Good job!

My Suggestions: Because the verb "make" in the second line relates to the singular subject "something", it should be changed to "makes". The sixth line doesn't flow fluidly with the rest of the poem. To remedy this, I would change it from "I wish that smile belongs to me for a life time." to "I want it to belong to me for a lifetime." In the tenth line, because "them" is referring to all of her hair and not just a hair, it should be changed to "it". The twelfth line didn't make sense to me. Maybe "What is that I don't know." could be changed to "I don't know what it is."? In the fourteenth line, I would insert the word "only" between "not" and "for".

Overall: This is a nice poem that would be even better after an edit. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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240
Review of Sleepless  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an interesting idea for a story. Your provided a lot of great descriptions, and I found myself getting sleepy as I read about Ariel's exhaustion. I think I have been in that state several times while cramming for finals, so it was easy for me to relate to this piece in that regard. This would be a great piece to develop into a longer story, expanding upon the crazy things going through Ariel's head.

My Suggestions: In the first sentence (Her glassy eyes looked over the papers; long eyelashes framed her tired grey eyes.), you use both "glassy eyes" and "tired grey eyes". I would suggest combining them to make "Her tired, glassy grey eyes..." In the last sentence of the third paragraph, you say "this day". I would omit that phrase and add "today" at the end of that sentence. In the fourth paragraph, "Lifting one foot and then the other, as if her feet were made of cement." is a sentence fragment. I would suggest changing it to "She lifted one foot, then the other, as if her feet were made of cement." Also, I can understand why you went from her going to sleep back to her sitting in the chair because of her dream state, but it's not a smooth transition. Maybe you could italicize the part where she finds herself back in the chair to signal a transition.

Overall: This is a good piece that would be even better after an edit. I enjoyed the read!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
241
241
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: At the beginning of the story, I thought it sounded more like a newspaper account of events than a story. However, I can understand why you started this way. You provided a great background and a lot of description in a short space. The middle of the story brought in more emotion, adequately describing how Nicki was affected by her father's death. The story ended perfectly, bringing the reader back to the beginning and explaining everything.

My Suggestions: In the sentence "After her father’s death, the smart, popular girl that Nicki had been withdrew into a private world...", I believe it would sound better if shortened to "After her father's death, the once smart and popular Nicki withdrew into a private world..." "But no one more so than her mother and friends." is a sentence fragment. I would change it to "But no one knew her better than her mother and friends."

Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I look forward to reading more!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
242
242
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this action-packed horror story. I like the way you kept the identity of the man chasing Shannon a secret until the end of the story. I also like the extra twist you threw in with what he did at the end. You started the story with a frenzy of action and kept it that way throughout. I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what would happen next. Good job!

My Suggestions: In the sixth line, "whizzed passed her head" should be "whizzed past her head". Also, with all the action taking place in the basement of a school, the chasing, the shooting, the screaming, the fire, it seems as though someone would have stopped the culprit, especially before he made it outside with the gun. I would suggest changing the setting of the story to a more deserted place. Maybe Shannon's basement?

Overall: Thank you for sharing this horrific story. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
243
243
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this story. You did a great job of creating a meaningful piece using a limited number of words. You made it easy to empathize with Judy, adequately giving background information through her thoughts and the 'words' of the wind. The ending was perfect. I especially liked your personification of the wind and the descriptive words you used to describe it.

My Suggestions: In the third paragraph, "wont" should be "won't". I would change the following sentence, "The wind picked up, lightning flashed a storm was coming." to "The wind picked up, and lightning flashed a warning of a coming storm." I think the story would read more fluidly with that change.

Overall: Thank you for sharing this great horror story! I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
244
244
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You have a great idea for a story here. I like the way you told the story in first person and conveyed the struggle the narrator was going through. The story held my interest throughout, and I was anxious to see how the narrator would solve his dilemma. The ending was good, hinting at what would happen while leaving the reader with a few questions. Good job!

My Suggestions: In the third sentence, a comma should be inserted between "it" and "and". In that same sentence, you say "feelings I required". I believe you mean "feeling I acquired." A few sentences later, I would change "Lonely I was" to "I was lonely" to make the story read more fluidly. In the second paragraph, I would omit the second instance of "to create havoc, fear and burden onto the humans I left behind" and simply say "Pushing those feelings away, I realized I had no choice." In the last sentence, "My family were" should be changed to "My family was".

Overall: This is a good story that would be much better after a thorough edit. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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245
Review of Nightmare  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts and Suggestions: You have a good idea for a story here. However, the story has many mechanical, grammatical and typographical errors. For instance, you start the story with "As time passes by, Christina was still alone in the eerie forest." This gives the feeling that I've missed something, like there should have been something before this. It could be more simply stated as "Christina was alone in an eerie forest." You change from past to present tense throughout the story. I would suggest staying with past tense and editing the story to reflect that. In the third sentence, you state, "All around her was full of trees." This sentence would be more clear and concise if changed to "Trees were all around her."

Overall: I'm sure that you would have a very good story here after a thorough edit. It was difficult for me to feel the intended horror because of errors similar to the ones I noted. I look forward to reading again after you have edited!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
246
246
Review of A Haven  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this short horror story. Your first person narrative worked well with this story. You adequately described the scene and characters. I especially like the way you started the story with a description of the horrific scene, went back to give a little background and ended with the "thing" coming after the narrator. I like an ending that leaves the reader hanging, and you did a good job with this one.

My Suggestions: I would omit the word "forever" in the second sentence, because the rest of that sentence makes the word redundant. In the sentence "It is our haven from the realities of the real world." I would omit "the realities of" because "the real world" indicates that's it's reality. Later, you say "shadow in deep in the woods." I would omit the first "in". Later, you say, "A loud crash, like bark being ripped of a tree rang out" I can't imagine bark being ripped from a tree either sounding like a crash or ringing out. I would suggest rethinking that sentence. In the last sentence, "it's" should be "its" since you're not using it as a contraction for "it is".

Overall: This is a good horror story that would be even better after a quick edit. Thanks for sharing.

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Review of Carousel  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Dark Society  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I know how difficult it can be to write a coherent story using a picture prompt and a limited word count, and you did a terrific job. You set the scene with your vivid descriptions and left the reader hanging with the horrid thought of the attacking horses. I know that, after reading this, I will never stay in an amusement park after it closes. Good job.

My Suggestions: In the first sentence, "this" should be changed to "that" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In the third paragraph, there should be a comma after "carousel". In the third sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "place". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "closer".

Overall: This is a very good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more!

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248
248
Review of Fallen  Open in new Window.
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This poem perfectly characterized the feelings of "love at first sight". Although it was rather short, you made a big emotional impact with your word choice. I'm sure that anyone who has met another person and felt an instant connection and quickly fell in love can easily relate to this poem. Good job!

My Suggestions: You started the first line with "Strolling" and the second line with "Saw". I suggest changing "Strolling" to "Strolled" for agreement of the verbs. "Surprise" is spelled incorrectly in the third line. "Heels"is spelled incorrectly in the fifth and eleventh lines. I would change "Weave" to "Weaved" and "Meeting" to "Met" in the eighth and ninth lines because the rest of the poem is in past tense. "Forever" is spelled incorrectly in the last line.

Overall: This is a good poem that would be much better after a quick edit. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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249
249
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a very sad story. So often, we think of all the things that could have happened differently to prevent the death of a love one, and you perfectly portrayed that here. The story was short and concise, and you managed to put a lot of information into a rather short piece. The story immediately grabbed my attention and had me wondering what exactly had happened. First person narrative was the perfect choice here, and the ending was also perfect. Great job!

My Suggestions: First of all, I don't think the description does the story justice. I would consider changing "A story wrote in year 9" to something more appealing to the reader. The story was MUCH better than I expected after reading the description. In the second paragraph, third sentence, "i've" should be "I've". In the third paragraph, you say "she herself". I think the story would read more fluidly if you would omit "herself".

Overall: Thank you for sharing this heartbreaking story. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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250
250
Review by OOT™ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ Author Icon, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an interesting poem, and I like where you went with it. I would have never guessed that the tattered old man was the narrator's father. You used good descriptions in the poem, and the rhyme scheme was great. Although it was rather short, you conveyed what you needed to say, and I think it was complete. The poem provides a few answers but leaves several questions. I like a piece that does that, and I think you did a good job!

My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest that you change the poem from all uppercase letters to capitalizing only the more important words. As it is, it makes it seem like you're 'yelling', and it's a little intimidating to the reader. In the second line, you say "ON HIS FACE THERE WAS A CREASE AND UPON HIS NOSE". Upon his nose, there was what? I know you're trying to rhyme it with "clothes" from the previous line, but as it stands, it isn't a fluid read. Maybe you could change it to "There was a crease on his face and another upon his nose" or something similar. In the next line, you refer to "thinning hands". What exactly are thinning hands? I think it would sound better just to say "thin hands".

Overall: This was a good poem that would be much better after a thorough edit. I look forward to reading more!

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