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226
226
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Wow! You painted a vivid description in this short piece, and the ending was excellent. I love stories with a twist, and this one was right up my alley. With your vivid descriptions, I could almost see the fire, feel the heat, smell the smoke and, most importantly, feel the narrator's despair resulting from his predicament. First person narrative worked well with this piece, and you did a good job of showing rather than simply telling.

I especially like the way you began the piece by declaring the beauty of the scene before you. This became especially poignant near the end as the reader realized that the narrator was seeing beauty in the situation that would soon lead to his demise. The story is complete, and I especially like the way you let the reader figure out some details from the context rather than just spelling everything out.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would end the second sentence with a question mark, because when reading it, it seems like a continuation of the first sentence. I can understand the reason for the sentence fragment here, but I think it would read better as a question rather than a statement. I would change the comma in the third sentence to a semicolon, because you have two complete sentences there without a conjunction. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change the comma to a period after "recognizable" and begin a new sentence with "Somehow, this scene was created..."

In the third sentence of the third paragraph, I would consider changing "my broken lips" to "my parched lips". Otherwise, you refer to your lips as "broken" twice within six words of the story. Also, I would insert a comma after "lips" in that sentence. A few sentences later, "had been holding" should be "have been holding" since the rest of the story is told in present tense. I think past tense is ok in the next sentence, but I would change "had been punctured" to "was punctured". In the last sentence, "is I continue" should be "as I continue". Also, that sentence seems a bit long with two "as I"'s relatively close together. I suggest changing it to "as I continue...while drifting off..."

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: This was a terrific piece! I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more of your work!

Reach for the stars Simply Positive signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
227
227
Review of Wisedom  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I like the irony in this story. Even though the meaning of the word "wisdom" escaped Joan's mind, she was showing just that at the end of the story. You did a good job of portraying typical teenagers with the dialogue you used. It was easy to imagine the gang of boys and girls laughing and plotting together.

While the story has a good premise, I don't think the parts of the story fit together as well as they could. If looking only at the first and last paragraphs, it seems that a lot of the story in between those paragraphs is irrelevant. Maybe something so simple as mentioning wisdom and Joan's confusion with the concept somewhere in the middle of the story would help to make it more parallel.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: Even though the word "wisdom" is spelled correctly throughout the story, it is misspelled in both the title and the story's description. Because of a few minor expletives in the story, the rating should be changed from "E" to "13+".

Toward the middle of the story, I think "she whispered to them her plan" would read more fluidly as "she whispered her plan to them". Three paragraphs later, "imaging" should be "imagining". In the following paragraph, "she did no deserve" should be "she did not deserve". In the first sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "funny".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story. I enjoyed the read and the underlying message and look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
228
228
Review of My sister Rose  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I'm surprised that this lovely tribute to your sister has been in your port for so long without a review. Your love and admiration of Rose, despite the fact that you never met her, shine through in this piece. From the way you describe her, it seems that she was a lovely young woman, and I am so sorry that she was lost to you and your family because of a drunk driver. I can't imagine how hard it must be to try to forgive someone whose careless, stupid act took the life of someone so dear to you. I admire you for continuing to pray and remain hopeful that you will meet your dear Rose when you pass.

The vivid way you described Rose and the events that led to her death evoked many emotions. As I read, I could only imagine the grief, anger and frustration Rose's loved ones must have felt at the time of your death and even today. Your beautiful tribute will help to keep her memory alive.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I would capitalize "sister" in the title. In the description, I would change "but we were never able to meet" to "even though we never met". In the first sentence, I would change the comma after "what am I to do" to a question mark and start a new sentence with "Tomorrow, it will be..." In the next sentence, I would consider changing "sisters being friends" to "as sisters and as friends" and set that phrase off with commas. I would insert a period after "the only one I know" in the next sentence and begin a new sentence with "How I wish..." I would skip a line between paragraphs.

In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Rose" in the first sentence and change "this meeting of you and I" to "this meeting of you and me" since it's an object pronoun. I would end that sentence there and begin a new sentence with "Your fate..." In that sentence, "love to drink" should be "loved to drink". "To tell you honestly I am glad" is a bit confusing. I would change it to "To tell you the truth, I am glad..." In that same sentence, "to drunk" should be "too drunk". In the next sentence, I would change the comma after "your final place of rest" to a period and start a new sentence with "They call it..."

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is a beautiful, heartfelt writing that pulled at my heartstrings. Thank you for sharing this very personal piece of your life. I enjoyed learning about Rose through your writing.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
229
229
Review of Paper or Plastic  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I see that you have a lot of nonfiction stories in your port, and I always enjoy reading about the life experiences of fellow WDC'ers. This story is no exception. I can definitely appreciate someone who prefers pencil and paper to a computer, but I'm the exact opposite. I can type much faster than I can write. I love having the ability to find and replace, to delete an entire paragraph that I decide I don't like and to add or omit words or sentences anywhere in the story with a few clicks. Any time I'm given the choice, I choose technology.

You make some really good points in this opinion piece, and you do so with just a tad of added humor. I like your writing style; I'm always a bit intimidated when writing nonfiction for fear that it will be boring to the reader. You definitely don't have that problem. I really enjoyed your explanations and reasoning as to why you prefer to write the way you do. I found it especially intriguing that you always write your stories on paper before typing them. I can see the purpose in that, but I consider it to be too much work. *Smirk*

I do think this piece ended a bit abruptly. You begin a new paragraph that gives a somewhat different view, yet you end it after only one sentence.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: You mention in this piece that you hope to work on punctuation on this site, and I hope that I can help a bit here. In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "writing". In the fifth sentence, "hands see it fill" should be "hands and seeing it fill". I would skip a line between the paragraphs. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "posting this". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "For one thing". I would omit the word "of" in the fourth sentence. In the next sentence, I would set the word "well" off with commas. In the sentence after that, I would insert a comma after "typer".

In the third sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "nails". In the following sentence, I would change "came" to "can" and change "wording" to "words". A few sentences later, I would insert a comma after "speak". In that same sentence, "runons" should be "run-ons". I would insert a comma after "Sorry" in the next sentence.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*



Overall: Thank you for sharing this rather insightful piece. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to reading more of your work and learning more about you.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
230
230
Review of Derailed  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Gaby . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" .*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I was trying to find a story in your port that didn't have many reviews, and I had a difficult time doing so. Since this one only had two reviews, I opted for it. I recently reviewed a story in someone else's port that was written from the same prompt, and it was amazing to see the different paths that two different writers took. I think first person narrative suited this story, and your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes and the characters as I read the story.

I think the title you chose was perfect, and the action packed story kept me on the edge of my seat throughout. From one close call to the next, I was rooting for the narrator, and I found myself sighing in relief as she escaped yet another incident. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and interesting story with a limited word count from a prompt, but you make it seem effortless. Even though I was hoping for a happy ending and thought that maybe it was all a dream, I loved the way you chose to end it. You really set it up for a sequel if you chose to do so, and I wish you would, because I'm dying to know what's so important about the coded message!

I did find it somewhat difficult to believe that a woman who was already fearing for her life would give a strange man that she called (Karl) instructions on how to get to her. Nevertheless, it didn't detract from the story. Just something I noticed.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: The word "Adventure" is spelled incorrectly in the prompt. In the first sentence, I would omit the comma after "me" as I think the sentence would read more fluidly without the break there. At the end of the second paragraph, I would insert a question mark. I would have it as ?! so you it will still convey surprise as well. I see you do just that a few paragraphs later. In the third paragraph, how do you know the man was in his forties? Maybe you could say "a man who appeared to be in his forties"? In the paragraph in which the stranger exited the train, I would omit the comma after "although".

A couple of paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Without a single thought", and I would insert a hyphen between "half closed". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "With trembling fingers". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "On the last page". In the next paragraph, "it's old wrapper" should be "its old wrapper" as "it's" is a contraction for "it is". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "in hand". and change "of my forehead" to "off my forehead".

Several paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "As I rounded the corner", and I would change "notice" to "noticed" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. I would omit the word "in" from "in any minute". A couple of paragraphs later, I would set "in the next second" off with commas. In that same paragraph, "one the heavy raincoats" should be "one of the heavy raincoats". In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "within a few seconds". In the next paragraph, "hands tided" should be "hands tied". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma to a question mark after the questions are asked.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story. I can definitely see why I had such a hard time finding something in your port with few reviews, because your writing is excellent. I can't wait to read more!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



SAJ Rainy Night by Aqua -- Group Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
231
231
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jeannie🦋 . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" .*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: This is a great short story. As I was reading, I was thinking that I sometimes have days just like the one June was having. But as I got closer to the end, I realized that this humorous story has a much deeper meaning. What we perceive as being put together, others may see as standoffish. Every now and then, we need to allow others to see us as human and stop trying so hard to impress. After all, sometimes the best impressions are those that show others that we're approachable.

You have a terrific storytelling ability. From the first paragraph, I was riveted, anxiously awaiting the next catastrophe that poor June would encounter. With your descriptive writing, I could easily imagine the frazzled woman on the bike, pedaling with one shoe while trying to avoid the dogs, neighbors, teenagers and cops. The photo you chose for your port to describe the story was perfect. And I love the way you turned a lighthearted story into one that delivered a pivotal message.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: In the sixth paragraph, I would omit the comma after "trying out for". It unnecessarily breaks the sentence. In that same paragraph, "halfway" doesn't need to be hyphenated. In the next paragraph, "elm" doesn't need to be capitalized. Several paragraphs later, I would omit the comma after "At least" and insert a comma after "and" so that "giving one more look back" is set off with commas.

In the next paragraph, "continue" should be "continued". In the next sentence, I wouldn't hyphenate "teenage". In the next paragraph, "then she'll be" should be "then she'd be" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that same paragraph, I would change "stop on a red light" to "stop at a red light". In the next paragraph, you say "Feeling very proud of herself, June started humming to herself..." I think the word "herself" is overused there. And alone on a bike, whom else would she be humming to? I would omit "to herself" from the sentence. In the next sentence, I would move "too late" from its current position to the end of the sentence. A few paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "She pushed off once more".

In the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Getting off the elevator". A few paragraphs later, I would change "I apologize on" to "I apologize about". I'd insert a comma after "On the way here". A couple of paragraphs later, I'd change "Stan, who is so..." to "Stan, who was so..." because the rest of the story is in past tense. In the next paragraph, I would change "became my worse" to "became my worst" and "don't let it show" to "didn't let it show" (past tense). A few paragraphs later, I'd change "she'll be fine when she can" to "she'd be fine when she could", again because of present tense/past tense issues. In the third-from-last paragraph, you need to insert open quotes before Amy's statement.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written and interesting short story. I really enjoyed reading it and found that it conveyed an excellent message. I will definitely be checking out more of your work!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



SAJ Rainy Night by Aqua -- Group Signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
232
232
Review of Monday Morning  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I chose this story from the variety of items in your port because I didn't think anyone could hate Mondays as much as I do. After reading this, I realize I have met my match! I think true experiences make the best stories, and if this one wasn't true, you're an even better writer than I thought. This is a terrific story, full of things that could easily happen to me. I'm sure that most of us can relate to the rush to get dressed and get to work on Monday morning only to have every little thing go wrong. You captured that scenario perfectly!

I particularly like the way you started the piece with the question about waking and realizing you have a couple of hours left to sleep. Oh, how many times I have done that...and proceeded to oversleep. And I can't count the times that I've made it out the door in time to get to work with seconds to spare only to get held up by an unforeseen circumstance like the fender bender in your story. I couldn't decide whether to sympathize or chuckle, so I did a little of both as I read this story.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second sentence, I would set "of course" off with commas. In the following sentence, I would insert a comma after "door". In the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "The night before". In the following sentence, the period after "ironed" should be a comma. Later in that paragraph, "oatmeal" is one word. In the third paragraph, I would insert a comma after "well". Near the end of the fourth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "One by one" and another after "hair" in that same sentence. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "counter" to the word "and".

In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would omit the word "had". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "Of course". In that same sentence, "spend and extra" should be "spend an extra". Same sentence, "make up" should be "makeup". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "minutes". In that same sentence, I would omit the word "what". In the last sentence, "I would be" should be "I will be".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed this humorous account of a Monday morning that could have been written from one of my similar experiences. Thanks for sharing this great story. I will definitely check out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
233
233
Review of Myrna Opray  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Pug Girl ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: You pack a lot of information in a rather short story. From learning about the mother you never knew to running from the tall, strange man and finally to being safe in your mother's arms, you take the reader through a myriad of emotions.

I like that you wrote the story in first person narrative. It made it easier for me to sympathize with all of the changes the narrator was experiencing in such a short time. Finding out you have a famous mother was stressful enough, but add to that the fact that you found out during one of her performances with the entire audience as witnesses, and that increases the stress level significantly. Finally, dodging the paparazzi and having a weird man following you around was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I'm glad the story ended on a positive note.

I could easily see this story as the first of a series in which the narrator grows up to be an opera singer like her mother. I'm sure you could think of many obstacles for her to face along the way!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: You go back and forth between present and past tense throughout the story. For instance, the first three paragraphs are past tense. The fourth paragraph is present tense. In some paragraphs, a few of the sentences are past tense and a few are present tense. I suggest that you stay with one throughout the story to improve flow and reduce confusion.

In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "car". The second sentence is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by combining the first and second sentences. In the second paragraph, rather than have one long, run-on sentence, I would start a new sentence with each instance of "If only..." In the last sentence of that paragraph, the comma should be after "ago" instead of after "yet". In the third paragraph, "who I did not know" should be "whom I did not know". In the seventh paragraph, you have a run-on sentence - "My legs were starting to cramp up." should be a separate sentence. In the next sentence, "who I decided" should be "whom I decided".

The last part of the story was very confusing for me. It was as if Lina had regressed to early childhood with her actions, though the rest of the story continues. In one paragraph, she just found out about her mother. In the next, she has known her for years, yet she seems younger instead of older. I suggest you take a look at it for possible clarification.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit. Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
234
234
Review of Starlight Murder  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Amanda ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: I especially enjoy stories that are based on true events, and this one is no exception. The way you interspersed the song lyrics with the story was a stroke of brilliance. I was amazed by how fitting the lyrics were with what was taking place in the story. The ending is somewhat haunting with the realization that the pedestrian is dead and the all-too-fitting song lyrics. I'm terribly sorry that you had to witness such a gruesome event, and I hope writing the story helped you to better deal with it.

This piece really goes to show that we can never be too safe and should always expect the unexpected. Your joy of leaving work on a Friday evening was quickly overshadowed by a horrible wreck caused by a drunk driver. The way you described the headlights of the car as it drove over the woman's body made it easy for me to picture the scene. I could almost hear the thud. You provided such a vivid description of the woman's body, I could see the grotesque distortions. I know I will think twice before I walk anywhere near a busy roadway.

It is obvious that the events of that night changed you. Not only will you never be able to forget what you experienced and say, but you will always remember the dangers of drunk driving. Thanks to your story, all of your readers will remember it, too. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I think the first two sentences would work better in the story's description than in the story itself. Throughout the story, you change tenses for no apparent reason. For instance, before the first verse of the song, it's past tense. After the verse, it's present tense for two sentences and then goes back to past tense. I would suggest changing it so that the entire story is told in past tense.

In the first sentence, I would insert the word "and" before"the stereo..." Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the second sentence, I would change "being a Friday" to "since it was Friday". In the sentence "The car still continued to accelerate," I would omit "still" because I think "still continued" sounds redundant. When you made a list of four things after your mind slowed down, three of them were complete sentences. "Emergency lights turned on" is not. I would change it to "Turn emergency lights on." A few paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Surprisingly". Later, "it's stomach" should be "its stomach" since "it's" is a contraction for "it is".

In the sentence, "Her shoes that had flown...", I would omit the word "that". Otherwise, it's a sentence fragment. Finally, what do you mean by "weed bag"? I have my ideas, but it doesn't seem to fit well in the context.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*



Overall: Thank you for sharing this true story and for providing the much needed message about driving under the influence. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
235
235
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, MaRiSsA<3 ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: You did a terrific job of describing the restlessness in the audience and the chaos backstage before just about any performance. I liked the way you began by talking about the crowds but then focused on one particular performer. I also liked the what the entire atmosphere changed when the ballerina was performing. Everyone was quiet, and she was the star, the focal point. The story ended perfectly, letting the reader know that a lot of hard work had gone into her performance and that she was proud and relieved after it was over.

Your descriptive writing style allowed me to easily visualize the story as it was taking place. I could almost feel the impatience in the audience, the nerves backstage and the adrenaline rush of the performer. Although the story was rather short, it was complete, and it conveyed a positive message: hard work pays off.

My Suggestions: You began the story in present tense and quickly changed to past tense for no apparent reason. For instance, the first and second sentences are present tense. Half of the third sentence is past tense and the rest of it is present tense. The fourth sentence is present tense. The change in tenses continues like this throughout the story. I suggest you change the entire story to either past or present tense to improve the story's flow and to avoid confusion.

The second sentence is a sentence fragment, because it has no verb. I suggest changing it to, "Together, they impatiently await the..." to remedy this. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Backstage". A few sentences later, I would insert a comma after "On the other side". In the third paragraph, I'd change "curtain arises" to "curtain rises". In the last sentence, "hadn't back down" should be "hadn't backed down".

Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I really enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

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Review by OOT™
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Sparky ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Wow, this is a great short story. I sort of wondered after reading the description how it could be difficult to determine which world was the dream and which was the nightmare. This story answered that question. Even after finishing the story and even reading some parts twice, I'm still uncertain as to whether Harry was having a nightmare, really performing on stage or somewhere in a drunken stupor. I like that confusing element!

Your descriptions in the beginning, "peaceful softness", "whitest fleecy clouds" mad me what to snuggle up in my own bed and fall asleep! And your vivid explanation of the crowd almost made it possible for me the hear the chaos and feel the adrenaline. Even your description of Harry made it easy to picture him and the hard-partying life he had lived. I particularly like the line "he opened his eyes to face the exhaustion of his life". That line tells a lot about the life Harry had to look forward to, whether it was a life on stage or a life in a gutter somewhere.

My Suggestions: In the fourth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "distance". Even though it's separated with semicolons and commas, the seventh paragraph was one long sentence. It seemed a bit too long. I would change the semicolon after "performance" to a period and start a new sentence with "The angry beehive roar decreased..." I would insert a comma after "sobering" and change the semicolon after "finality" to a period. A few paragraphs later, I would omit the semicolon after "sweating expectation". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma after "crowd" to a period. In the next paragraph, "sequined" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, I would set "for a moment" off with commas.

In the next paragraph, "freeway" should be one word. In the next paragraph, "it's sharp edges" should be "its sharp edges" since "it's" is a contraction for "it is". A couple of paragraphs later, I would insert a comma after "Automatically". In the same sentence, "it's brown paper bag" should be "its brown paper bag". In the next-to-last sentence, "he's surely find" should be "he'd surely find".

Overall: This is a great short story that would be even better after a quick edit. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of yor work!

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237
237
Review of Moonlight  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, SilentSongsOfSadness ! I'm OOT™ and I'm honored to review your short story on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

My Thoughts: This is a very inspiring story, reminding us not to give up on something we love just because we are criticized. You managed to pack a lot of emotion into such a short piece, from fear and doubt to joy and contentment. I'm sure that most piano players can easily relate to forgetting everything while playing the piano. You described the emotional aspect of playing perfectly.

Although it may be difficult to realize at first, we learn a great deal about Sullen in a few short paragraphs. We learn of her desire to play the piano despit her fear of criticism. We learn of her obedience to her mother and hesitancy to let even her mother hear her play. And finally, we learn of her overcoming her fears and allowing herself to get lost in the joy of making music. Great job!

My Suggestions: There are a lot of sentence fragments throughout this piece. While I understand having one every so often for a particular reason, in this case, at least for me, it detracted from the story. For instance, in the last paragraph, "The softness putting tears on her cheeks." is an incomplete sentence. The next sentence, "Her fingers moving gracefully up and down the piano." is incomplete as well. There are several ways you could remedy this, one being changing the participle to a verb and combining sentences, such as "The softness of the music put tears on her face as her fingers moved gracefully up and down the piano."

In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "at" so that "much less looked at" is set off with commas. The first word of the third sentence ("She") should be capitalized. In that same sentence, I would change "all the black and white 88 keys" to "all 88 black and white keys" to make it read more fluidly. In the second paragraph, I would change "It's been four years" to "It'd been four years" since the rest of the story is in past tense. In the next sentence, "5" should be written out as "five". In the second sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Hesitating".

Overall: This is a good short story that would be even better after a quick edit. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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238
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Life's a Beach... says Joey C . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: First of all, I love the photos and think they are very helpful in allowing the reader to visualize the different parts of the story. This is the first time I have seen a story contain so many pictures, and I think it works well. Next, let me tell you that I think this story was excellent. But because you specifically asked for reviews and critiques of this piece, this review may seem overly critical.

I couldn't help but wonder, is there a particular reason the husband's vows were to love, honor and cherish while the wife's vows were to love, honor and obey? It just struck me as odd. Also, Jack and Michelle weren't really married since Michelle only filed for divorce in Vegas. She was legally still married to Dennis. Also, she would have to file in the state that at least one of them lived. So if they were married in LA, they'd have to be divorced in LA or, in some cases, the state where they were domiciled (where they resided). And if she was running for her life, would she really take the time to stop and file for divorce? Leave it to me to fret about the small details. And I'm sorry - I just graduated law school in May, so I had to get some of that useless info out there.

I loved the irony in that the man Michelle trusted to protect her was the one she should have actually feared. It didn't appear that Dennis had done anything to her specifically, so she would have been much better off taking her chances with him. I assume that Jack and Michelle had a whirlwind romance and marriage. Maybe you could mention in dialogue between the characters that they had only known each other for weeks, months or whatever. Also, I wondered why Michelle had never seen Jack's estate before. Where had he been living since she had known him? And where had she been living? I know there isn't a lot of room for detail in a story with such a limited word count, but these are just some of the questions that came to mind as I read the story.

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the fourth paragraph, "Is this fair to him" should end with a question mark. The sixth paragraph should end with a question mark after the question of how could Dennis find out she was in Florida. I would change "Danish and OJ are worn off" to "Danish and OJ have worn off." Five paragraphs later, I would change the semicolon after "not going to be there" to a comma. In the next paragraph, the colon between "clothes on" and "no reason" should be a semicolon. In the next paragraph, I would insert a period after "anyway," and start a new sentence with "She stays..." A few paragraphs later, I'd change "You looked worried" to "You look worried".

In the paragraph just before the photo of the house, I would end one sentence with "...surprised Michelle." and start another with "Circled by ancient live oaks, all surrounded by pink azaleas, it was a picture perfect southern mansion." Otherwise, it sounds like the surprised Michelle is circled by oaks and surrounded by azaleas. In the paragraph just before the photo of Mrs. Nilson, I would omit the comma after "suppose" and insert a comma after "warn you". In the next sentence, I would change the semicolon after "old" to a comma. In the sentence "I am more interested in the present, then the past." I would omit the comma and change "then" to "than". In the next sentence, I would omit the comma after "think". In the next paragraph, I would change the comma after "heart" to a semicolon. Several paragraphs later, I'd change the colon after "She opened the door wider" to a semicolon. In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "pulled back". I would omit the word "over" from "Jack's hands caressed over his..."

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific short story. I wish you luck with the contest and hope this review was helpful. I look forward to reading more of your work!

SAJ Rainbow City by Whome


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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239
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I thought the story started off a little slow, but it did help to give adequate background information. As I was reading, I wondered why a child would run away to an unfamiliar place, in the dark, because she was afraid that turning the lights off in her bedroom would bring out the Boogeyman. That part just seemed a little far fetched.

But then the second part of the story made up for any issues I had with the first part. I was shocked by the extreme way that December decided to handle the situation. (I love the character's name, by the way.) Because your writing is so descriptive, I literally flinched as she stuck the pencil in her eye. Horror is my favorite genre, and you did a terrific job describe the horrific scene in the park. The way you ended the story was excellent as well. I especially liked the notion that silence matched December's black world. Very descriptive!

My Suggestions: I would suggest that you consider changing the name of the story just so the ending will be more of a surprise to the reader. As it stands, I knew before I even read the first word that it wasn't only a dream. I think it would work better if you let the reader learn at the end of the story, rather than in the title, that it hadn't been a dream.

In the second sentence, "knew that if I turned off my lights that he would...", one of the "that"s should be omitted. In the fourth paragraph, the semicolon after "contained" should be omitted. A few paragraphs later, instead of "blonde hair", I would just say "hair" since you set forth that you were blonde in the first paragraph. Also, I'd consider omitting "malnourished" from that sentence, since I think "pale, thin" in descriptive enough. In the next paragraph, all of the semicolons should be changed to commas.

Later in the story, "Although I’m not so sure I should have been." is a sentence fragment. I suggest adding it to the previous sentence. ("...portion of the city, although I'm not so sure..." A couple of sentences later, I'd change the semicolon after "thumb up" to a comma.

Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. Thank you for sharing this creepy tale. I will definitely be checking out more of your work!

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240
Review of The Cutting Edge  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love the thriller/suspense genre, and I'm also a big fan of the story story. Needless to say, this story was right up my alley. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and meaningful story in few words, but you did a great job here. The story flowed fluidly, and was practically error-free. I didn't see anything to indicate that it was written for a contest, so I assume you chose to keep it short and sweet. I prefer writing shorter stories myself.

A hospital is a perfect setting for a short thriller. It saves you the trouble of going into great detail about the setting, because anyone can imagine what a hospital is like, especially in the dead of night, which was also another nice touch. The way you informed the reader that this is the third instance in which something like this has happened was also well-done. You didn't take up needless space with a long explanation when the small phrase in the third paragraph worked just fine. The ending was terrific, not only revealing that the death was an accident, but also promising that there was more to come. Great job!

My Suggestions: The quick transition from Caroline in the first paragraph to "the person" in the second made it too easy to determine that Caroline and "the person" are one and the same. It made me wonder why you even bothered to try to hide that fact. I think it would be nearly impossible in a story so short to keep the person's identity a secret. I think the story would be better if you would just talk about Caroline instead of "the person" in the second paragraph. After all, I think most of the surprise comes from the reason behind the actions.

In the second paragraph, I would change "the person slows" to "the person slowed" because the rest of the story is in past tense. I would omit "this time" from the third paragraph, because I think it goes without saying that this time is different from the other two. In the last paragraph, rather than have such a rambling first sentence, I would insert a period after "crowd" and start a new sentence with "Once it was determined that she could be of no help, she walked..." In the next sentence, "plastic" is spelled incorrectly.

Overall: Thank you for sharing this story! I really enjoyed it and think it would be even better if you would consider my suggestion about revealing Caroline's identity in the second paragraph. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
241
241
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Gary . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item" . *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: OK, I'll be the first to admit that I was skeptical about this story. First of all, I don't usually enjoy stories written as diary entries. Next, I'm not usually crazy about the sci-fi genre. Finally, I thought the story would be about something that didn't even seem possible. Now, let me admit that I was WRONG! This piece was fantastic. I was drawn in after the first few paragraphs and on the edge of my seat until the very last word. And I must say that it was a perfect ending!

Another thing: I don't know that I have ever rated a story in which I found so many suggested changes higher than a '4'. But none of those suggested changes detract from the story. In fact, I found it hard to bother telling you about them, because I didn't want to take the time away from reading the story. I finally decided it would be a more helpful review for you if I would do so. *Laugh*

*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: I don't think the comma after "Rarely" in the second sentence is needed. In the second paragraph, "dying" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, "affect" should be "effect". (It's spelled correctly in the third paragraph, but used in a different way in the fourth.) Also in that paragraph, I'd change "speeded" to "sped". In the fifth paragraph, "scientist" should be "scientists". I would change this sentence: "But just in case there are, I felt like it was important to offer my description of the truth." to "But just in case there is, I feel like it is important to offer my description of the truth." The sentence before it referred to "anyone", which is why I would change "are" to "is", and the sentence starts out in present tense, so I'd make the rest of it present tense as well. In the next paragraph, "aging" is spelled incorrectly.

Under the Sept. 29 entry, first paragraph, "a lot as" should be "a lot has". In the next paragraph, I would change "afflicted by" to "afflicted with". In the third paragraph, "there're" should be "they're". In the next paragraph, "one my favorite" should be "one of my favorite". In that same paragraph, "relived" should be "relieved". In the next paragraph, "shortness of breathe" should be "shortness of breath".

*ExclaimV* Overall: This piece will make me think twice when I see the commercials about underprivileged families and before I bite into a big juicy steak. This seems like something that really could happen, and it's the perfect way of showing how the solution to one problem could created an even bigger, more widespread problem. Thank you for sharing this terrific story!

SAJ Rainbow City by Whome


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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242
Review of Eigth Day  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You pack a lot of feeling and emotions into such a short piece. I like the way this is written as sort of scattered thoughts of the author. While it answers many questions about what the author is thinking and how he feels, it leaves many questions unanswered. What happened during the previous seven days? Who is "she", and how does she play into the way the author feels? Why is the author so distraught? I like the questions left in the mind of the reader and wouldn't change a thing in that regard. Sometimes, it's easier to find meaning in the remaining questions that the answers.

My Suggestions: First of all, in the title, "Eighth" is spelled incorrectly. Near the end, I would change "Live on the past" to "Live in the past." I re-read this several times and can come up with no other suggestions. Changing this piece, adding more explanation or possible insight, would ultimately detract from the piece.

Overall: This was a very good piece. I'm sure that most of us can relate to the feelings of hopelessness that the story conveys. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
243
243
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I can easily see how this story won the contest. You told a very complete story in few words, and the humorous poem at the end was fantastic! I especially like stories that appear to be based on life experiences, especially the ones where an initial touchy situation has a great outcome. Whether this one was a true story or simply written to appear to be true, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

My Suggestions: I think the story would read more fluidly if the first several paragraphs were made up of more than a few sentences each. In the second paragraph, I would change the comma after "grow up" to the word "and". I also think it would read more fluidly if several commas were added. Particularly, I would insert commas after: "least" in the second paragraph, "forty-two" in the third paragraph, after "small" and after "meaningful" and before and after "in the past" in the fourth paragraph, after "learned" and after "thought" in the fifth paragraph, and after "restaurant" and after "embarrassingly" in the sixth paragraph.

Overall: This is a great story that would be even better with more punctuation. You definitely have a knack for writing short stories, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
244
244
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, it was the perfect time to read this story. I love the way you turned the prompt into such a heartwarming, inspiring story. I found myself smiling at the end, and I even got that warm, fuzzy feeling at seeing such a happy ending. In a rather short piece, you took the reader through an array of emotions, from doubt, to fear, to resignation and finally to happiness and contentment. Terrific job!

My Suggestions: The story started off a bit slow, and it took me awhile to get "into" it. I would suggest showing how you feel instead of just telling about it...maybe hint at some things that show your panic and/or uncertainty. Also, I would consider giving a bit more information about the girls and their different personalities.

As far as grammatical and mechanical suggestions: In the third paragraph, second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "worker". In the fourth paragraph, "affects" should be "effects" in both instances. In the fifth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "loved" so that "whom they loved" is set off with commas. Also, I would put a comma after "Suddenly" in the last sentence.

Overall: Thank you for sharing this lovely short story. I can easily see this as a series in which you write various stories about the girls and their lives as they grow up and face different challenges. I look forward to reading more of your work!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
245
245
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm OOT™ , and I found your short story by using the random review tool. I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I loved this hilarious little story! This is the perfect example of a catastrophe that can sometimes result when one has the best of intentions. You did a superb job of describing Tracy and Carrie as well as the setting. I could easily imagine poor Tracy's frustration while picking the thorns from his body as well as his determination to finish what he set out to do. The cops were a nice touch, and I was laughing out loud by the time Carrie whacked him.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a meaningful and coherent story using only 300 words with prompts, and you made it seem effortless. You also made the three word prompts fit well within the story. Great job.

My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Halfway up". In the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "in that direction". In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "top". Also, I would consider having Carrie whack him before the cop spoke up. It struck me as a little odd that she would do that after the cops had already caught him. Just a thought.

Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent read! I thoroughly enjoyed it and can't wait to check out more of your work.

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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246
Review of Failed Invasion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm OOT™ , and I found this short story by using the random review tool. I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Ah, what an ironic little story. I know how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using less than 400 words, but you made it seem effortless. The story was interesting and original, and I was anxious to find out what would happen to the 'dragon' and the shifting duo. The ending was terrific, reminding us not to take anything for granted.

The setting and character descriptions were adequate for a futuresque story such as this one. The story held my interest from beginning to end, and the additional characters were well suited for the story. I really enjoyed the read!

My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, "standing on it's" should be "standing on its" since you aren't trying to say "it is". In the same sentence, laundry is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, the comma after "you" should be omitted. In the fourth paragraph, "tiger lily's" should be "tiger lilies" since you're trying to make it plural, not possessive. In the first sentence of the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Then". In the second sentence of the eighth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "opened". A few paragraphs later, the comma after "better" should be omitted.

Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! I look forward to reading more of your work.

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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247
Review of Without You  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Although this poem is rather short, it is packed with emotion. I'm sure that anyone who has ever loved and lost, for whatever reason, will be able to relate. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to imagine the sadness and frustration that the narrator was feeling. I like the way you made all of the positive things negative: the faded smile, the extinguished light, the muted laughter. You really painted a picture with your words. Good job!

My Suggestions: The comma after "Although" in the first line should be omitted. In the third line, "ounce" should be "once". This really detracted from the poem for me, because I kept wondering why you would be referring to a unit of weight until I realized you meant "once". Also, in the first line, you implied the person was there, but in the third-from-last line, you implied that the person was only there in your heart. This was a but confusing. I would suggest rethinking the first line. Also, in the description, second sentence, "Its" should be "It's".

Overall: This is a good poem that would be much better after a quick edit. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
248
248
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: At first, I didn't think I would like the format of this story, but it worked well. The story was interesting, and I was anxious to see how it would end. The ending did not disappoint! I loved the twist. I'm a sucker for stories with a twist at the end, and this one was perfect!

The title was interesting, and it made me want to read about the train murder. Although the story was rather short, it was complete and interesting. I know how difficult it can be to write a coherent story using few words, but you made it seem effortless here. Good job!

My Suggestions: I would insert periods after every sentence, particularly in the first paragraph, to make the story flow more fluidly. In the seventh line, I would insert a comma after "stranger". In the eighth line, I would insert a period after "seat," and insert "It will" afterward to make another complete sentence. In the fourth sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "could" to "would". In the first sentence of the third paragraph, I would insert a comma after "knife". In the fourth sentence of that paragraph, I would omit the comma after "matter". In the next sentence, "too" is spelled incorrectly, and a comma should be inserted after "soon". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Soon". in the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "banged". In the next sentence, the comma after "red" should be omitted. The last sentence of that paragraph is a sentence fragment. I would suggest changing it to, "Though he walked away, he would forever be called "one leg," legless until his dying day." In the next sentence, "dear child" should be set off with commas and the comma after "soul" should be omitted, and "ine" should be "one".

Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


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249
Review of 140  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: Although I'm not a big fan of Twitter, I must say that this piece is brilliant! It's lighthearted and humorous, and it's perfectly structured. You have a very original idea here, and you made providing a piece filled with funny tweets seem effortless. The title of each tweet went well with the story, and it appears as though they were well thought out.

I would have to say that my favorite was the "Help Wanted" tweet. It was hilarious, especially for those of us who recognize the band and the song. Great job!

My Suggestions: I didn't see any typographical or grammatical errors, so I'll just point out my thoughts on punctuation. I assume from the title that a tweet is limited to 140 characters, so this is likely useless information. In the first sentence, a space should be inserted between "2" and "am". Under "Projection," I would insert a comma after "bar". Under "Beauty," a comma should be inserted after "imperfection". Under "Entertainer," a comma should be inserted after "Everest". Under "Just Cause," commas should be inserted after "start" and "nothing". Under "Help Wanted," a comma should be inserted after "people". I would omit the comma after "stop it" under "Only Gets Worse."

Overall: I really enjoyed this humorous read, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more!

An I.N.K.E.D. signature.


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250
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Review of The mystery  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a great idea for a short story, and the idea is well executed. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using less than 400 words, and you made it seem effortless. Although the story was short, it was complete and concise. You did a great job of describing Martha and her worry regarding what she found during her shopping expedition.

You also did a great job of telling about what it would be like if a child who wished he would immediately grow up got his wish. I like the way you waited until the end of the story to let the reader in on what had actually happened. I can just imagine Martha's horrified thought that someone had stripped and kidnapped a child. I don't think she will enjoy window shopping again in the near future.

My Suggestions: In the first sentence, I would change "in the afternoon" to "that afternoon" to be more concise. In the second sentence, I would insert a comma after "4 p.m." and change "out on shopping" to simply "shopping". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "place" and "hurrying" is spelled incorrectly.

In the beginning of the second paragraph, you imply that she had lost her balance, but you never actually mention it. I would mention that she had lost her balance before talking about her regaining it. In that sentence, "as if belonged" should be "as if they belonged". At the end of the sentence, "9 years" should be "nine years old". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "attire". In the next sentence, "of those were worn" should be "if they had been worn".

In the next paragraph, the comma after "pile" isn't needed. In that same sentence, the comma after "head" should be changed to a period, and "That is when..." should be a new sentence. A couple of sentences later, "abandoned cloths" should be "abandoned clothes". A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted between "her" and "occupied". In the next paragraph, "blood on the cloths" should be "blood on the clothes", and a comma should be inserted after "clothes". In that same sentence, "those appeared as if those were torn away" should be "they appeared as though they had been torn away". In the last sentence of that paragraph, commas should be inserted after "Soon" and "people". In the last sentence of the story "cloths bigger" should be "clothes bigger".

Overall: This is a good short story that would be excellent after a thorough edit. I truly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

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