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Review of Moving to Albion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1964981 Unavailable **


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This story was very interesting, and it left me with a lot of questions about the narrator's father. I initially wanted you to give more detail in the story about what the father had done, but, on second thought, I think the story is good as is. You gave adequate reasons for the narrator's dislike for the place, and the few details you gave about the father made the story more interesting. Although the piece left a few questions, it didn't completely leave the reader hanging.

First person narrative suited this story, and I like the way you chose to tell it in present tense. Even though the story is short, it's complete enough, and you delivered what you promised in the description. I could easily imagine the narrator walking along the streets in despair. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, "Pygmy" should be capitalized, and it is spelled incorrectly. In that same sentence, I would omit one of the instances of the word "had". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "somewhere else". The last sentence of that paragraph, "Just walk." seems out of place and too vague. I suggest changing it to, "I should stop thinking and just walk." In the next paragraph, the sentence that begins with "How weird" should end with a question mark. In the last sentence of that paragraph, "What with what dad did" is way too confusing. I would change it to "Especially considering what dad did".

In the next paragraph, "It reminds you of your" should be "It reminds me of my" because you're talking about your own thoughts here. In that same paragraph, "It could have been you," should be in quotation marks, because you're directly quoting what the lawyers said. In the next paragraph, you say something "broke two halves of the corner away". If that's the case, it would have broken the corner off completely, because two halves make a whole. I would change this. Finally, I would change the last paragraph to past tense, because the rest of the story is in past tense.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for providing this interesting story! I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


My beautiful Power Reviewers Christmas Ornament sig gifted by GeminiGem


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
202
202
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1964981 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Ah, it's so nice to see the good guy actually prevail. This was a great story. Although it was short, it was complete, and it left no questions unanswered. First person narrative worked well for this story. Whether or not it was based on an actual experience that you had, it's something that could easily happen, and it was believable.

I'm sure that most of us can relate to this piece in some way. I worked as a cashier in college, and there were many instances in which customers tried to pull one over on me. I was glad the narrator of this story wasn't so naive to be duped a second time, and I was even more glad that arguing with the customer had no negative repercussions. Great job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would capitalize "not" in the title. I would skip a line between the paragraphs in the story to make it more visually appealing and easier to read. In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "college". In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "8" to "eight", because numbers under 10 are usually written out. In the second paragraph, I would change "Not really paying attention." to "I wasn't really paying attention." Otherwise, this is a sentence fragment. I would insert "The guy" at the beginning of the next sentence for the same reason. I know that was probably intentional here, but you mentioned the guy in the first sentence of the paragraph, then referring to yourself in the first sentence fragment and finally, you were referring to the guy in the last one. As a result, this paragraph isn't as clear as it would be if the fragments were avoided.

In the first sentence of the third paragraph, I would omit "back late". In that paragraph, you switched from past tense to present tense with the sentence, "I bet he is going to try to scam me again, so I’ll play along to a point." I suggest changing that sentence to "I figured he was going to try to scam me again, so I decided to play along." In that paragraph, the sentenced that begins with "Grabbed" is a sentence fragment, because it lacks a subject. I suggest inserting "He" at the beginning of the sentence. Also "Juicy Fruit" should be capitalized.

Toward the end of the story, "your not" should be "you're not", because it's a contraction for "you are". Finally, in the last paragraph, by saying his girlfriend was already in the car in the first sentence and starting the next sentence with "She took off..." makes it seem like she drove off without him. Reading on, I don't think you meant to indicate that, so I suggest reviewing and rewriting these two sentences for clarity.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting story. I really enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I will definitely be checking out more of your work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
203
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Review of Amy  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1964981 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I think you underestimate this story in its description. It is not "simple". It's a very interesting story, and I absolutely love the ending. First person narrative worked well for this piece, and I was empathizing the narrator until the last part of the story. Then, boom! You really provided an excellent twist. I love stories with a twist at the end, and you did a terrific job with the twist on this one.

I like the way you started the story with the narrator's confusion and let him have clarity at the end. The way he spoke to the reader in a sort of dialogue made the story more interesting and allowed me to get more involved in it. You chose a good setting for the story, and you easily held my interest from beginning to end. And, again, the end was terrific!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the third sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "I mean" to "I thought". As it is, you're declaring in one sentence that it isn't possible and contradict yourself in the next by saying it is. A few sentence later, "three time" should be "three times" and I would change "for them each time to be pulled close" to "just to have them pulled closed". I would omit "with them" from the last sentence of that paragraph. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "have" should be "had", because the first part of that sentence is in past tense.

A couple of paragraphs later, a semicolon should be inserted between "online" and "this was progress". In that paragraph, I would insert quotation marks around "we" in the third sentence. The next-to-last sentence should end with a question mark. In the last sentence, I would change the comma after "before" and start a new sentence with "No, they aren't..." Two paragraphs later, third sentence, I would insert quotation marks around "we". A few sentences later, you say "my left one feels weaker". Your left what? Leg? If so, I would change "one" to "leg", because there's nothing in this paragraph that "one" could refer to. In that paragraph, I would insert a semicolon, or at least a comma, after "that's what it is". In the last sentence of that paragraph, you say it doesn't hurt, you must be ok, but then you say you'll have to go to the hospital. Another contradiction. Why would you have to go to the hospital if you're ok?

You have quite a few run-on sentences in this story. For instance, near the end of the story, you say, "I look around I can't see Amy anywhere or the car, I am still on the road." You have three complete sentences here (I look around. I can't see Amy or the car anywhere. I am still on the road.). I changed the position of "or the car" to make the sentence read more fluidly. To avoid the run-on sentence or the three somewhat boring sentence by separating them, I would change it to something like, "I look around but don't see Amy or the car anywhere. Yet, I am still on the road." You have the same problem with the first half of the next paragraph. "eat it's" should be "eat its" because "it's" is a contraction for "it is".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this horror story. It's a good piece that would be even better after a quick edit. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
204
204
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1964981 Unavailable **


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: This story was something I could really relate to! I've had those days where everything seemed to go wrong, and I could definitely sympathize with poor Jess. You told the story in a humorous way, and it was easy to get a chuckle out of the mishaps while feeling sorry for her. I also have some of those overly optimistic friends like Dot, and I could easily imagine Jess's frustration with her.

First person narrative worked well with this story, and it made it easier for me to 'get into' the story as I read. One disaster after another made me anxious to find out how the day would end. Speaking of the end, I love the ending you chose for the story. You ended it perfectly, bringing us back to the story's title.

One of my favorite things about the story was your referring to the broken refrigerator as a "deceased appliance". *Laugh*

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest that you use the description line to tell a little bit about the story rather than that it was a contest entry. When looking for an item to read, people often glance at the description to determine whether or not it will be interesting. Saying that it's a contest entry neither gives the reader any information about the story or makes it appear interesting.

You made a common mechanical error in this piece. In every instance of your mention of the Griswolds, you inserted an apostrophe in "Griswolds". There shouldn't be an apostrophe in the word unless you're attempting to show possession. For instance, if you say "the Griswold's dog", the apostrophe would be warranted, because you're showing possession. If, however, as in the first paragraph of the story, you say, Griswolds Take Vacation, there shouldn't be an apostrophe, because you're not indicating possession. I believe that every instance of "Griswold's" that I saw in the story should be "Griswolds".

Finally, my biggest issue with the story is that you teased us throughout with hints of how terrible your little vacation was, but you offered no explanation of what actually happened during the vacation. While your description of all of the mishaps after you returned home was excellent, it was somewhat overshadowed by the expectation of finding out what happened on the vacation, making the story seem like it left something to be desired. Since there is a 1,000 word limitation, I suggest focusing on one or the other, but not both.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story. Judging from this well-written piece, I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
205
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Review of Five Golden Rings  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Dutch Hill Girl ! I'm reviewing "Five Golden Rings for the "Invalid Item Contest.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This is a terrific story! Writing about a frazzled mother trying to handle a weekend before Christmas alone, especially while trying to clean and care for kids and a dog, is something I'm sure many women can relate to. You did a perfect job of describing the family interactions, and your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes as you described them. First person narrative worked well for this piece; I think it's somewhat easier to sympathize with the main character of a first person story.

As I read, I was wondering how you were going to put the five rings together at the end, and you did so brilliantly. From the note through the end of the story, I was actually smiling and thinking that this is the perfect time of year to read a heartwarming story such as this one. It also served as a reminder that we should think twice before we accusing someone of not caring or resent someone for not being there.

As the story unfolded, I was lost in Janet's world. You easily held my attention from beginning to end. In fact, I was so wrapped up in the well-written story, I hadn't even noticed that all of characters names began with 'J' until that last part of the story. I must say that was a clever touch, and it provided another bond for this family. Great job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: The only issue I could really see in the story is a misplacement of commas. One think I would suggest is, before placing a comma before "and", check to see if you would have two complete sentences without the word "and". If not, there's no need for a comma.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph,a comma should be inserted after "table". In the following sentence, the comma after "hand" should be omitted. I would omit the word "up" from the third paragraph. In the first sentence of the ninth paragraph, the comma after "pen" should be omitted. In the next paragraph, I would change "said" to "asked".

In the sentence, "After drying her up, and giving Jenny a bottle, and sponging the bathroom floor, and putting Jenny down for a nap, it was time for baking holiday cookies.", I would omit the word "up" and some of the "and"s. I would rewrite to read, "After drying her, giving Jenny a bottle, sponging the bathroom floor and putting Jenny down for a nap, it was time to back holiday cookies."

Four paragraphs later, I would change "wrapping" to "wrap".

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I will definitely be visiting your port again soon!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Peeking in with a SP review sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
206
206
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jeannie🦋 . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story, and the photograph fit it perfectly. From the genre and the description, I expected it to be more suspenseful, but I loved the happy ending. I have been reading a lot of horror stories lately and, although I love that genre, it's nice to read a heartwarming story such as this, especially during this time of year.

Although I usually read stories shorter than this, this one held my interest throughout. The characters were likable and interesting, and you handled their interactions well. I like the way the children resembled their ancestors in the photographs, and the way the characters found out not only who lost the photograph, but also about the people in the photo, was very clever!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: This is something rather petty, but I found it worth mentioning. In the second paragraph, you say, "I found it walking along..." At first glance, it appears that Jackie was saying the photograph was walking. I could consider changing it to "I found it when I was walking along..."

In the fourth paragraph, you forgot to put the opening quotes before "Thanks". In that same paragraph, I think "Allen Wiese came to mind; her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer" would sound better if rearranged as "Allen Wiese, her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer, came to mind. In the following sentence, "He's" should be "He'd" since you're telling the story in past tense.

In the tenth paragraph, you added an 'h' to "Ronda" (spelling it Rhonda). In that same paragraph, you say "Come over when she can" when it should be "Come over when you can". A couple of paragraphs later, "desk" shouldn't be capitalized. A couple of paragraphs later, you put an 'h' in "Rhonda" again. In fact, you alternate between "Rhonda" and "Ronda" throughout the rest of the story.

In the paragraph that begins "Allen was seated...", in the last sentence of that paragraph, "he" shouldn't be capitalized in "he said". Five paragraphs later, "documents and take them" should be "documents and taken them". Eight paragraphs later, in the sentence, "I think we can help each other out you", the word "you" should be omitted at the end of that sentence. Ten paragraphs later, you say "they both sat down together on the couch". I would omit either "both" or "together" because they're repetitive. In the next sentence, I believe the word "her" should be omitted.

A few paragraphs later, where you say "inform us of a serious car accident, that Allison died on impact", I think it would sound better as "inform us of a serious car accident in which Allison died on impact. In the following sentence, the comma after "shock" isn't needed. Four paragraphs later, there should be closing quotation marks after "meet them". In the next paragraph, you introduce a quote by saying "she said", but then you said "Susan said" at the end of the quote. You don't need the "Susan said". A few paragraphs later, "be so thrill" should be "be so thrilled". In the next paragraph, "excited" is spelled incorrectly.

Three paragraphs later, you say "They thrilled us...", but since none of the story is written in first person, I was unclear as to whom "us" referred. Similarly, near the end of the story, you refer to "our stunned faces", but the story is in third person narrative, so this doesn't make sense.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this heartwarming story. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to visiting your port again soon!


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
207
207
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a good chapter, but it is replete with grammatical, mechanical and spelling errors. You have an excellent idea, and the action packed scenes held my interest and made me anxious to see what would happen to poor Jarrett. Even after the initial conflict is resolved, you leave the reader with many questions and reasons to keep reading. For instance, why was Jarrett so angry and careless? I hope to find an answer in the next chapter.

I especially liked the line "the wind is howling a melancholy song in his ear," and I think it and similar lines do a terrific job of setting the tone of the story. You also did a good job with your vivid descriptions of the scenes. I could easily imagine the tumultuous storm.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would capitalize the words in the title. I think that makes it look more professional and more visually appealing to the reader. In the story's description, "ripped" is spelled incorrectly.

Is there a reason this chapter was so short? If the next chapter is similarly brief, I would suggest combining them. And while I love a good cliffhanger to end a chapter, I don't think you should have ended in mid-sentence or without punctuation.

There are several compound words that you should combine. The following are examples: "breath taking" should be "breathtaking", "heart beat" should be "heartbeat", "him self" should be "himself" and "sun set" should be "sunset". In the third paragraph, you have "felt him self self falling". This should be "felt himself falling". Also, it seems you have difficultly with "where" and "were". In the last paragraph, both instances of the word should be "were". For reference, "where" refers to location while "were" is the plural of was. Tense was also an issue in the story. You began with past tense, but you quickly switched to present, then back to past, etc. I suggest rewriting in all past tense.

In the first paragraph, you say, "He's heard the heart beat of the world and listened to the breathing of the oceans, the songs smells and sounds of the ocean he has heard." I think that sentence would sound better if you would combine "heartbeat", change the comma to a period and omit the rest of the sentence. And I think it would be an excellent sentence. But everything after the comma is just confusing. It's worded strangely, and how can you hear the smells of the ocean?
In the third paragraph, "blursand" should be "blurs and". In the last paragraph, "proceeded", "collapsed", "again" and "scanned" are misspelled. There are also several misplaced commas in the story. I suggest reading it to determine whether or not there should be a pause at each place you have a comma. If you don't pause there when reading it, then it's likely the comma should be omitted.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is an interesting story, and it could be really good after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I'd be happy to look at it again afterward. Thanks for sharing!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
208
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Review of Pride and Courage  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Fire* Hello Christine ! I'm reviewing "Pride and Courage today as part of your Hydro package from "The Power Review Shop!

My Thoughts: I looked for something in your port that didn't have any ratings, and finding such a story wasn't an easy task. Judging from other items in your port, this doesn't appear to be your preferred genre, but I must say that you did a great job with this story!

You hooked me in the first paragraph with your revelation that Oleandra was out to get revenge for the slaughter of her family. Even though the story focused more on all of the lessons she learned while trying to prepare herself to get that revenge, you held my interest throughout. Your clever explanations of how she learned more about each of the virtues was terrific. And at the end of the story, when when Rodrigo threw the dagger at her, I almost jumped in my chair. You described the scene so vividly, it was as though I was watching it in a movie. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I would omit "for" from the second sentence, as I don't think it's needed. I would suggest that you review the story for overuse of past perfect tense. For instance, in one paragraph near the beginning of the story (under the third "Teach me!", you used the word "had" six times in only three sentences. The rest of the story is replete with instances of "had". In the sentence that begins, "Instead, he had taken her with him..." (another instance of "had"), "and his gang" shouldn't be set off with commas.

In the following paragraph, I think it would read more smoothly if you changed "She mastered to whimper" to "She mastered whimpering". A little later, you say "sermon topics of her fathers'". This should either be changed to "her father's favorite sermon topics" or "sermon topics of her father". The way you're using it is a double possessive that sounds unnatural, and if you insist on having it that way, it should be "father's", because "fathers'" indicates you're taking about multiple fathers. Finally, near the end of the story, "spread on the table besides him" should be "spread on the table beside him". As it is, you are indicating that he is spread on the table among the other things.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written and interesting short story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and will definitely check out more of your work!


*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Obsession  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Header for The Gift Shop This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item that you won at the "12 Days of Midwinter Christmas raffle.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This story was excellent. Although it was somewhat longer than stories I usually choose to read, I couldn't resist the title and description. I must say that it lived up to my expectations. I became hooked within the first few paragraphs, and I was riveted to my seat until the end. I must admit that I really had to fight the urge to skip ahead near the end of the story. It wasn't at all that I was bored, but because you did such a terrific job of keeping me guessing throughout the story that I almost couldn't wait to see how it ended!

Katerina was a likable character, and she was easy to relate to and empathize with. I do wish you would have given a bit more background information about her, because her age and physical characteristics were a bit unclear to me. I thought she was middle aged by the description of her holding her hand on her back to fight pain/stiffness, but her interactions with Ron made her seem much younger. Also, I wondered why it had been so easy for her to leave her life in Indiana. Did she have any family there? Had she been married? Boyfriend? Any kids? Also, although you did a great job of describing Ron's physical appearance, I was left wondering how Katerina looked.

Moving on, I loved the story's premise. I had never seen a dilemma such as the one Katerina had. It was scary and exciting, and as I said earlier, the ending came as a complete surprise. I love the dark/horror genre, and you did a terrific job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: In the first line, I would omit "to herself". After all, to whom else would one think? In that paragraph, I would make "hometown" one word. Also, there are at least five instances of the word "had" or "have" in the first paragraph. I suggest editing the piece to cut at least a few of them. In most sentences, they wouldn't be missed. In the second paragraph, I would change "embrace of recliner" to "embrace of the recliner". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "door". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "den". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, I would move the word "entirely" from the end of the sentence to between "had" and "slipped". In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would omit the word "have" and insert the word "she" between "when" and "returned".

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "home" and insert the word "of" between "stack" and "mail". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "it". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma to a question mark. In the third sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "later". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Apparently". In the next sentence, the question mark should be after "nice", not after "herself". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Finally". Even though there are several spaces separating this paragraph from the next few paragraphs, I don't think those paragraphs fit well here. It really makes it seem as though Ronald has walked into her house at first. Once it became obvious that it was another time and place (on campus) entirely, I wondered about the purpose of having it here. The fact that, after a few spaces between the paragraphs, she is back in her den, it makes in seem even more like those paragraphs just interrupt the flow of the story. I would suggest either putting them in a different place or at least find a way to make a smoother transition.

In the next paragraph (where she is back in her den), I would omit the second "up" from "up the stairway up to her...". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "fatigue". In the third sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "brushing". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "face". I would also consider changing the wording of that sentence because you have "By the time she was finished..." and "After she was finished..." as consecutive sentences. It seemed to me a bit repetitive when worded that way. I would change the comma after the swear word in the next paragraph to an exclamation point, because you're saying she "exclaimed". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would insert a comma after "bed".

In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "bellow". In the next sentence, I'd insert a comma after "Eventually". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "sway from the desk" should be "away from the desk". In the next paragraph, the question mark should be after "offer" instead of "asked". In the last sentence of the last paragraph of that part of the story, a comma should be inserted after "results". In the first paragraph of the next part, a comma should be inserted after "room". Near the middle of that part of the story, "Dream" should be capitalized, because it's part of the title. Several paragraphs later, in the part of the story that starts, "The Siberian Orchestra put on...", in the third paragraph, the period after "Sure, why not" should be changed to a question mark. In the next-to-last paragraph of the story, the sentence that begins "In order to keep the balance..." should end with a question mark, because it goes on to ask a question.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: Thank you for providing this fantastic read. It's a story that I won't soon forget, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


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210
210
Review of A Short Memory  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This is quite an emotional piece you have here! Although it is rather short, you manage to get your point across and adequately describe longing for someone whom you thought you had forgotten. Every so often, a person feels melancholy for no particular reason. This would be the perfect piece to describe that feeling.

The title of the story is appealing, and first person narrative works well for this piece. The story's description evidences that the narrator may just be wishing that he could forget. Also, the story goes to show that, even if you do think you have forgotten someone, those sad feelings sometimes just won't go away. I particularly liked the last line and imagining someone whispering to the night sky. Nice touch!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: In the story's description, "than" is spelled incorrectly. Also, I think it would sound better if you changed "I" to "I'd". I would omit the word "down" from the first sentence. After all, how else could tears be falling? You need to insert a space after the period in the first sentence. In the fourth sentence, "in this cold night" should be "on this cold night". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "cried and cried".

In the middle of this piece, you switch from past tense to present tense in two sentences (beginning "I try..." and "I feel...") I suggest remaining in past tense throughout the story. Especially in such a short piece, the change in tense interrupted the flow of the story. Near the end, a comma should be inserted after "Tonight". In the last sentence, in accordance with keeping the story past tense, "can" should be "could". Also, I would change the semicolon to a hyphen, and I wouldn't capitalize the word "girl".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this emotion-filled piece. I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work. Again, welcome to WDC. You're going to be a great addition here!

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211
211
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: You have an excellent premise for a story here: a teenager who is connected to the spirit world and has problems with a demon. You did a good job of describing Ruby-Rose in this chapter and giving the reader a hint of what's to come. I would have liked to find out a little about her parents, though. Other than that, the characters you mentioned seem interesting, and I am anxious to learn more about Ruby-Rose and her boyfriend.

First person narrative works well for this piece, and Ruby-Rose appears to be a likable character that most readers can easily relate to and empathize with. I love the way you ended this chapter with an introduction to Damon. That definitely has me ready to read on to find out just what the conflict is. Good job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I suggest capitalizing "Voice" in the title. Also, instead of putting "Chapter 1" in the story's description field, I would change the title to "The Demon Voice - Chapter 1" to allow you to write something about the chapter/story in the description field. In the first sentence, I would change "I had" to "I've", change the comma to a semicolon and change "then" to "than". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "anyway" to a period and start a new sentence with "Most would..."

The second paragraph is one long run-on sentence. I suggest editing that paragraph to make it at least three separate sentences. Also, in that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "kid", I would omit the phrase "to me", and "like many kids" should be set off with commas. Finally, that paragraph should end with a period. In the third paragraph, the comma after "out" should be changed to a period. In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "time" so that "for the longest time" is set off with commas. In the next sentence, "looking back on it" should be set off with commas. The comma after "fact" should be a period, and you should start a new sentence with "All my memories..." Also, that paragraph should end with a period.

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, the word "a" should be inserted between "was" and "year". Throughout the rest of the story, you have a lot of run-on sentences, using commas where you should have used periods. I suggest reviewing the chapter in its entirety to look for and remedy this problem. Also, proper nouns, such as "Rose" and Willow" should be capitalized. In one paragraph, you say the narrator is eighteen, and in the following paragraph, you say she's eighteen, turning nineteen in a week's time. I suggest omitting the first instance of telling she's eighteen. "guy is looks big" should be "guy who looks big". "course" is spelled incorrectly in the next-to-last paragraph. A period should be inserted at the end of the last paragraph.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for providing this enjoyable read. This is a good chapter that would be much better after a thorough edit. If you decide to edit, I'd be happy to take another look at it afterwards! Again, welcome to WDC, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

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212
212
Review of From Prompt  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I really liked this scary tale! You began the story with adequate background information before jumping right into the conflict. I love the way you took the reader through the narrator's myriad of emotions. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to experience the uneasiness that the narrator was feeling. You also did a great job of describing the spooky character the narrator encountered, adding to the suspense.

Although first person narrative worked well with this story, I couldn't help but ask at the end, "OK, so how did the narrator write the story?" I loved the ending, but it did leave me with that question. Something to consider.

I loved the line, "After a deep breath, I felt no less scared, but a little lightheaded." Despite the danger of the situation, I couldn't help but smile at that clever bit of humor.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would change the title. You could come up with something really interesting and creative, but "From Prompt" gives no information at all about the story. In the first sentence, I would omit the word "today", because you aready mentioned having a long day, so it's obvious you're talking about today. In the second sentence, "against all odds" should be set off with commas. The word "with" should be omitted from the third sentence. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "those days". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "At home".

In the second paragraph, I would consider omitting "surrounding the road" because it's unnecessary - that's generally what streetlights do. The comma after "followed" in the next sentence is unnecessary. "Except on the nights we were graced with a full moon." is a sentence fragment. I suggest adding it to the end of the previous sentence to remedy this. In the next sentence, a semicolon should be inserted after "full". A couple of sentences later, "where to happen" should be "were to happen", and a comma should be inserted after "happen".

In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "don't" should be "didn't", since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that paragraph, a comma should be placed after both instances of "This time". Same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "slightly". A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "situation". "just checked up him" should be "just checked on him". A comma should be inserted after "if I didn't get out". Also, in that paragraph, you mention being too afraid to stop. I would reconsider that, because you had already stopped.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for providing this eerie little read! I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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213
213
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I can tell this is going to be a very interesting story. You captured my interest with the missing girl and held it through the glove that was dripping blood. I love the way you're telling two stories within the story, and I think both of them will be nail biters! Add to that a possible town conspiracy/cover up, and you have a terrific story in the works!

I like the way you hinted that Audrey was living a double life. I also like the way you switched from a story about a missing teen to one about a gentleman's club, and I wonder if Audrey was somehow involved with the club. I also couldn't help but wonder how long Audrey had been missing when she was found, and I didn't see that anywhere in the story. Guess I'll have to wait for you to post more of the story to find out. *Wink*

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I suggest capitalizing "Disappearance" in the story's title. In the second sentence, a period should be inserted after "town", and you should start a new sentence with, "In fact..." A comma should be inserted after "fact" and another inserted after "other" in that sentence. I don't think her physical description should be in the sentence describing her as the brightest in all her classes. I would separate those sentences. I would change "intended on going" to "intended to go". In that paragraph, you have a run-on sentence that could be remedied by changing the comma after "light up the room" to a period and starting a new sentence with "Even though she..." A few sentences later, "wanted too" should be "wanted to".

I would mention that the girl's name was Audrey in the first paragraph instead of waiting until the second. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would omit either "whole" or "entire", because they have the same meaning and you don't need both of them. Also, to avoid another run-on sentence, the comma after "for her" should be changed to a period, and a new sentence should begin with, "They searched..." In the newspaper announcement, "confirmation" is spelled incorrectly. Also, I think it's a bit unrealistic to say a newspaper release would use the words "mangled body".

In the last paragraph, "are in attendance" should be "were in attendance" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In the next sentence, "a young women" should be "a young woman" and "walks" should be "walked". Also, that sentence is VERY long. I suggest splitting it into at least two sentences. A few sentences later, "watch" should be "watched" and "slide" should be "slid".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: This is a good start to a story that would be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

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214
214
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This is the beginning to what would likely be an excellent story! I'm sure that many of us can relate to falling for our best friend as well as "the one that got away". You described the situation perfectly, even going so far as telling all of the things that teachers and other adults promise upon graduation from high school. I went through that same experience, and, like you, I wasn't all that excited about losing some of my friends.

First person narrative works well for this story, and your descriptive writing style made it easy to picture Wilson, and I could easily see why you fell for him. Ending the story when the volleyball player came into his life was just wrong. I HAVE to know what happened! *Laugh*

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First I would suggest breaking the story into paragraphs to make it more visually appealing and easier to read. In the short description at the beginning, "should of gone" should be "should have gone". In the fourth paragraph, I'd change "would say" to said, since you're writing the story in past tense instead of future tense. A few sentences later "have my friends" should be "having my friends" to make it parallel with "walking" in the same sentence. Several sentences later, "of course" should be set off with commas.

From the sentence "It scares me how much we know about each other" through the rest of this piece, you have difficulty with keeping the story in past tense. I suggest changing "scares" to "scared", "know" to "knew" and editing the remainder of the story to reflect past tense. After that sentence, I would change "how he and I" to "that he and I". A few sentences later, "he's have brief flings" should be "he'd have brief flings".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: I really enjoyed this teaser from a book you hope to write, and I would strongly suggest that you follow through. I can already tell you're going to be a terrific addition to the WDC community, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

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215
215
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Header for The Gift Shop This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item that you won at the "12 Days of Midwinter Christmas raffle.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: Oh, I was so disappointed when I got to the end of this and realized it wasn't complete. I guess I was given a clue when I saw that it was labeled a novel and started with "Chapter One", but I went on my merry little way reading it, really getting into the story, until it abruptly ended. Maybe you could put a note at the beginning that it's a work in progress?

I really liked what I read of the story. I love the title of the story, and that alone would make me want to read the story. You did a good job of setting the background for the story and describing Jolene's nightmare that kept recurring. At the end of the chapter, you give the reader another tidbit of information: her parents have just been killed. I do wonder how old Jolene is, as it didn't seem to say in this chapter. A am also very anxious to learn more about her mysterious past, as promised in the story's description. I do hope you continue to work on it. You have an excellent start!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: I would break the long paragraph at the beginning of the chapter into several smaller paragraphs to make the story more visually appealing and easier to read. In that paragraph, rather than saying "Filled with mystification, she began...", I think it would be more concise to say, "Mystified, she began..." A few sentences later, "She began hear" should be "She began to hear". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "Cautiously". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "door". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Quietly".

In the sentence that begins, "The attached writing table of the desk...", I would omit "of the desk". The previous sentence mentioned the desk, and the word "attached" made it clear the writing table was attached to that desk. I notice several instances in the story where you have written in passive voice. I think active voice would be more appropriate. For instance, I would rearrange the next sentence to read, "Several large knives were penetrating the trash can." A few sentences later, "if not older" should be set off with commas. A few sentences later, "and dressed entirely" should be "and was dressed entirely". A comma should be inserted after "Frantically sobbing". "But he's our son" should be in quotation marks.

I would change "to the room of her parents" to "to her parents' room". A few sentences later, the comma after "looked into his eyes" should be a semicolon. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "hollow". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Horrified". Several sentences later, I would omit "what is" from "like that what is seen". In the next paragraph, "devout" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, "funeral was to held" should be "funeral was to be held"

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: This is a very good beginning to what I'm sure will be an excellent story. I really enjoyed the read and cannot wait to read the finished work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


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216
216
Review of Gone To Far  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Even though this was a great short story, it was replete with spelling and grammatical errors that were difficult to get past. The story has a terrific premise, and although it was rather short, it was complete and interesting. I like the way you began with a chat log (and I could overlook any errors in that, as that made it seem more real). I love stories from the horror genre, especially those that could actually happen. A story about a psycho internet stalker really catches my attention and scares me, and this one was no exception.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: The word "Too" is spelled incorrectly in the title. "obsession" is spelled incorrectly in the description, and the comma isn't needed. For brevity purposes, I will point out a few of the misspellings and other errors and suggest you simply run a spell check on the story.

All of the "didnt"s should be "didn't" and the "wouldnt"s should be "wouldn't". The following words are spelled incorrectly: whether, juvenile, because, relief, wasn't, too, staggered, sister's, panicked, whose, shrieking, cigarette, their, murdered, strangled, happened, teenage, buried, authorities, message.

You say the newspaper clipping said "Greene sisters murdered anonymously". I have never heard the term "anonymously" used when describing a murderer and would suggest omitting this word.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This was a good short story that could be much better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to take another look at it afterwards. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*




Purple Sp Glowing sig


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217
217
Review of LAST BREATH  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story in 300 words or less, and I must say you did a good job here. I remember the "Did you know the victim" prompt from the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge, and you created a great short story with that prompt. In only 300 words, you provided an adequate setting and gave a good description of Mr. Martin. The story had a good ending, wrapping it up rather nicely. I'd also like to add that first person narrative worked well for this story. I considered writing something for the given prompt that day, and I had a similar idea. You did a good job with it.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: First and foremost, I suggest changing the story's rating from "E" to "13+". There's a mild expletive in the story (even though it is spelled incorrectly), and the subject matter itself warrants a higher rating.

I would omit the word "yes" from the second paragraph. It is somewhat confusing for the reader, and I see no reason to reveal the fact that he knew the victim here. Throughout this piece, "Mr" should be "Mr.". In the next paragraph, "aged well over his fifties" doesn't sound quite right. I suggest "aged well over fifty" or "who appeared to be in his fifties". Also, whichever phrase you use there, it needs to be set off with commas. In the next sentence, the word "why" should be omitted.

In the next paragraph, "officers shoulder" should be "officer's shoulder", and I would omit the word "again" from that sentence. In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "eye". To make the story more concise, I would omit the word "just" from that paragraph. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Yes". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "delight" and another after "away" in that same sentence. I would omit the word "to" from "to draw" in that sentence. In the last sentence of the story, you say "the heavy weight of the officers body threw me to the ground". His weight couldn't throw you. That sentence would read better as "the heavy weight of the officer's body knocked me to the ground." Also, don't forget to put the apostrophe in "officer's" when you're showing possession.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I can already tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

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218
218
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: OK, I have to admit that I am unfamiliar with Elder Scrolls lore and do not consider myself a fan of the fantasy genre. That being said, I must admit that I really liked this piece! I like the way you began with a note to the reader, giving a little history as to how the piece was written. After that, you jumped right into the first conflict of the story. You did a great job of introducing the characters Terra and Dar'jut and giving the reader hints of the story yet to come.

I love the way Dar'jut spoke in third person! That adds a bit of humor to the story as well as a certain charm to the character. I couldn't help but picture Dar'jut as being similar to Puss N' Boots on Shrek. *Blush* And the fact that he's a contract murderer? Well, let's just say I'm looking forward to learning more about that. Great job!

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My Suggestions: I would change "furred hand" to "furry hand", because even though I was pretty sure what it meant, I wasn't positive until it was revealed that the character was a cat. Also, I think the last sentence of the first paragraph is too long. I would suggest something like "She was confused but not aware of any immediate danger, and she recognized the flavor of the healing potion. She relaxed..." Close to the end of this part, I would change "she was given chills by..." to "she got chills from..." Also, in that sentence, "shares" should be "shared", because the rest of the chapter is told in past tense.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this terrific piece! I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I can't wait to read more of your work.

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219
219
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This prologue definitely has me wanting to read more! The title is interesting, and the story's description has me wondering just what the connection is between the gypsy and the princess. So far, you have provided an excellent introduction to the gypsy girl. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to picture her as well as her father. The prologue was very interesting, and you did a great job of showing the reader various things, rather than just telling the story.

The prologue left me with many unanswered questions, which makes me anxious to read on. Why was everyone worried about what Jaelle would say when she woke up? How could a girl of only ten already have such a bad reputation? Why was her father so happy that she couldn't remember anything? I'm sure the story will answer all of these questions, and I look forward to reading it!

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My Suggestions: I would omit both instances of the word "of" in the first sentence. In the second sentence, I think it would read more fluidly if, after "band for years" you would insert "along with", omit the comma and change "the girl" to "a girl". I would omit "at least" from the next sentence. Also, in that paragraph, how does the narrator know that the girl is to awake soon? That doesn't seem to go with the rest of the story.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "While" to "Even though" and omit the word "she" from "she had". The paragraph that begins "Shandor, the Elder..." should be indented to go with the other paragraphs. In that sentence, I would omit the words "up" and "in his head". In the next paragraph, you say "opened her eyes, revealing beautiful hazel eyes..." I think the word "eyes" is overused in that sentence. Maybe you could change it to something like, "awoke, revealing beautiful hazel eyes".

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Overall: Thank you for this interesting read. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can already tell that you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more!

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220
Review of Suicide Train  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: The title of the story is definitely catchy, and the story's description made to want to read more. The prologue promises a story that I think will be very informative and interesting. First person narrative works well for this piece, but in some parts, it appears that you're talking about just some people you know while in other parts, it becomes more obvious that you're talking about your own parents. I would like to see that made clearer.

Suicide is something that most people will be able to relate to. I'm sure that we all know someone who committed suicide, and many readers have probably considered it themselves. I like the way you're writing the story in such a way as to offer help and understanding to those who find themselves in the same position as the narrator. I also like the way you offer suggestions as to how parents can negatively affect their children, sometimes without even realizing it. This prologue definitely made me want to read your story!

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My Suggestions: The word "definite" is spelled incorrectly in the first sentence. A comma should be inserted after "Tracey" in the first sentence. Also, is Tracey the narrator's sister? Although the prologue never specifically offers that information, by the end of it, I surmised that she is. I would suggest referring to her as "my sister, Tracy," here to avoid that confusion. Near the end of the first paragraph, I would change "those that" to "those whom", because the word "that" makes it appear that you're speaking of things instead of people. In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "point", and I would change the comma after "will" to a period and begin a new sentence with "They have no..."

In the second sentence of the second paragraph, "them" should be "those", and the sentence should end with a question mark. Also in that paragraph, I would change the comma after "girl" to a period and start a new sentence with "I am being..." In the third paragraph, I would change the comma after "simple" to a semicolon. In that paragraph, "inturn" should be "in turn". Also, "devastating" is spelled incorrectly in that paragraph. Rather than put apostrophes around words, I think it would better suit your purpose to italicize those words. If you don't know how to do so, on the left side of your screen, click on "Writing.Com Tools" and choose "WritingML: Docs & Help" to learn how to italicize and do a variety of other things.

In the last sentence of the fifth paragraph, "childs' death" should be "child's death", and a comma should be inserted after "death". I would omit "on" from the second sentence of the sixth paragraph, and I would omit "herself" from the following sentence. The word "delusions" is spelled incorrectly a couple of times in the seventh paragraph. Also, in that paragraph, rather than saying "mental ill health", it would be more proper to say "poor mental health".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting and well-written prologue. I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
221
221
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I love the title you chose! It's catchy and made me want to read your story. I also like the name Grayson, and it fits well with the title. You did a good job of describing Grayson as nervous, shy, terrified and apprehensive in the first part of the chapter, but in the end of the chapter, she became poker faced, numb and careless. While I can appreciate Grayson developing a thick skin, because you began the story by describing her as nervous, shy and apprehensive, the transition in the fifth paragraph seemed out of place to me.

My favorite line was "days of velvet afternoons and eggshell mornings". I love that description! I also like the way you ended this chapter, making me anxious to find out how Grayson "made her own". Good job!

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My Suggestions: I suggest you review the story for past/present tense issues. For instance, in the first paragraph, Grayson "trudged", but then, she "slides". You go from past tense to present tense throughout the story. I suggest editing to stick with past tense. Also, be careful with overuse of past and present perfect tenses. In the fifth paragraph alone, you have "had come", "had done", "have brought", "had begun", "having stopped", "had managed" and "had built".

In the first paragraph, "adolescents" is spelled incorrectly. In the fifth paragraph, "high school" should be two words. In that paragraph, the sentence "No longer a main target..." is a sentence fragment. This could be remedied by adding "She was" to the beginning of the sentence. Also in that paragraph, "sufficiently" is spelled incorrectly. In the sixth paragraph, "carelessly" is spelled incorrectly.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this chapter and glance into the life of Grayson. This is a good start to your story that would be even better after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I would be happy to check out this chapter again afterwards. Again, welcome to WDC, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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222
222
Review of A moment in time  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: You did an excellent job of describing the scene in this story, and I could easily imagine the fog, the morning dew and the beautiful lake. First person narrative worked well, and I could easily see why the narrator found contentment at the place described. The description of the narrator's love interest was a bit vague, telling the reader only about his eyes. Also, with the line "We understood each other in the way one twin can recognize the other, in a way no other could.", you make it appear as though the narrator's love interest is her twin brother?

I'm sure that most of the readers can relate to the feelings described in this story - how the whole world starts to make sense when you're falling in love. The words you use, such as "magical", "intense", and "confusing" are perfect. You captured a first kiss, and all the feelings and emotions that come with it, brilliantly in this piece.

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My Suggestions: I would suggest capitalizing the words in the title to make it more visually appealing. I would also change the description to give the reader a hint at what the story is about. I suggest re-thinking the last sentence of the third paragraph if you don't want it to appear the narrator is writing about her brother. Also, if you're going to indent the first three paragraphs, I suggest indenting the last two as well.

In the first sentence, "in to" should be "into". In would insert a comma after "here" in the second sentence. In the third sentence, I would omit the word "that". I would change "I glanced down at the lake at the blue water." to "I glanced down at the lake and its blue water." to avoid having "at the" twice in the same sentence.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting short story. I really enjoyed the read and can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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223
223
Review of Lost Girl  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This was a very good short story, and I enjoyed reading it. You chose a good setting, and you adequately described the characters. I could easily imagine the frustrated detective and the elusive Cathleen Panrell. The ending came as a total surprise, and I think it worked very well with the rest of the story.

The story held my interest throughout, and I was anxious to see what the detectives would find out with Cathleen's fingerprints. I can easily see this story becoming a series - going back in time to inform the reader of the events surrounding her kidnapping, her life after the kidnapping and the trouble she seems to have found in present day. Good job!

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My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "interview". In the third sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "ways". In the fifth sentence, a comma should be inserted after "station". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "efforts". Also, I would change the semicolon after "silence" to a comma. In the last sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "all". In the second sentence of the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "room". I would change the semicolon in that sentence to a period. In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Hopefully".

In the sixth paragraph, "It's bland" should be "Its bland" because "It's" is a contraction for "It is". In that sentence, the semicolon should be omitted. In the first sentence of the seventh paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "circumstances". A couple of paragraphs later, the semicolon after "once more" should be a comma. A couple of paragraphs later, I believe "heavily" should be "heavy". In the next paragraph, "download a number" should be "downloaded a number". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "reality". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "knew it to" should be "knew it too".

These three sentences: "But not even this had escaped unscathed. The left arm now loose. Marred with small shallow notches along its bow." should be combined into one sentence. Otherwise, the last two are sentence fragments. A few paragraphs later, in the sentence that begins "Her voice smooth and even...", the word "was" should be inserted between "voice" and "smooth". Otherwise, you have another sentence fragment. In the next paragraph, "until now" should be set off with commas. In the last paragraph, "real name given voice" didn't make sense to me. Did you mean "real given name"? I don't think "voice" needs to be in that sentence.

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Overall: This is a very good story that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to edit, I would be happy to read it again afterwards. I can already tell you're going to be a great addition to the WDC community, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
224
224
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This was a lovely story that offers children a cute explanation of how the lily pad got its name. I like they way that this is a cut-and-dry story. Lily didn't disobey her mother, and there was no lesson to be learned. It was just sweet and goodhearted. While I appreciate children's stories that have morals, every now and then, it's good to see one like this.

I think that children will like Lily. You wrote the story on a level that children can easily understand, and the characters will help children appreciate the various animals. The story was short enough to hold a child's interest, yet it was complete and enjoyable. I also like the names you chose for the frogs. Good job!

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My Suggestions: I would skip a line between the paragraphs to make the story more visually appealing and easier to read. In the first sentence, a comma should be inserted after "morning". In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "store", and "seen" should be "saw". I noticed a couple of instances in this story where you wrote "seen" when you should have written "saw". Just keep in mind that past tense is "saw" unless it is preceded by "have" or "has". In other words, it would be "She saw..." or "She has seen..."

In the third sentence, a comma should be inserted after "could". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "water" to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence here. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "away". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "first" and "seen" should be "saw". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "sudden" and "on to" should be "onto". Near the end of the story, "since they liked her so much" should be set off with commas. Also, there are two instances in that paragraph where "seen" should be "saw". In the first sentence of the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "mom". In the last sentence, a comma should be inserted after "down".

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Overall: This is an interesting story for children, and I can easily see how you could write many more stories about Lily and her adventures. You're going to be a great addition to the WDC community, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!

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225
225
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: You have an interesting idea for a story here. I like that you're using first person narrative and telling the story from Ella's point of view. I find that it's always easier to get involved in a good horror story that's told in first person. In this short excerpt, you did a good job of beginning Ella's character description, telling about her home life and describing her parents and their interactions with each other.

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My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest changing the title of the story from "Ella and the fight 4 life" to "Ella and the Fight for Life". I always find a potential story more appealing if the title has proper capitalization and no abbreviations. Next, I suggest you change the story's description to something other than gibberish in order to give the reader an idea of what to expect when reading the story. Since the story is incomplete, I suggest that you put it on "private" until it's finished or at least clue the reader in on that fact in the beginning. Also, breaking the story into paragraphs would make it more visually appealing and easier to read.

The story is replete with grammatical and punctuation errors. It would help tremendously to capitalize the first word of each sentence. Proper nouns, such as "Australia", "Kit Kat" and "Haley" should always be capitalized. There are also several run-on sentence. I suggest going through the story and putting proper punctuation at the end of every sentence. You referred to a "fruit bowl" once and called it a "fruit ball" several times. I believe you meant to call it "fruit bowl" throughout? "i found a not" should be "I found a note". Instead of putting Haley's telephone number in the story, I think it would sound better to simply say "I called Haley."

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Overall: You have the beginning of what could prove to be a great horror story. I would be happy to review it again after you have edited and completed it. Also, if you have any questions or need help when doing so, just send me an email, and I'll be glad to do whatever I can. Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

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