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201
201
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I really enjoyed this short story! About halfway through, I had figured out the ending, but that didn't matter. The story held my interest from the first line to the last word, and I think the way you ended the story was superb. I like the fact that the narrator didn't just write Bill off because of the misunderstanding. The story was funny, but there was also that bit of realism, with Bill talking about his family, to make the story even more memorable.

I loved the mention of the $7 beers at ballgames. This is something that I'm sure many people can relate to. *Laugh*

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest omitting some of the spaces between the paragraphs. I think the story would be easier to read and more visually appealing if there was only one space between the paragraphs. Next, I would change the story type from "Other" to "Short Story". I would also add another genre, such as "Comedy", because "Contest Entry" gives the reader no idea of what to expect from the story.

In the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Instead". In the first sentence of the second paragraph, you have "the one the one". One of them should be omitted. A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "Possibly". In the fifth paragraph, a period should be inserted after "ridiculous" before the closing quotes. In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "though" to a semicolon. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "William". Five paragraphs later, in the sentence, "Ah, Yes.", "yes" shouldn't be capitalized.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this humorous little story. I enjoyed the read and look forward to visiting your port again soon.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Purple Sp Glowing sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
202
202
Review of Connections  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love the title you chose for this story, and, after reading the story, it took on an even more special meaning. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story which such a stringent word limit, but you made it seem effortless here. You did an excellent job of telling about Karen through her thoughts rather than boring background detail. I must admit that I thought I knew exactly how this story would end, but I was totally wrong! I especially like stories with a supernatural twist, and this one was right up my alley! I think we all need someone like Karen's husband at times to remind us of all the good things about life.

I thought the repetition of the three words near the end of the story was clever and memorable. The small change in the words in the last few sentences was great. A short story with a bit of the paranormal and an unexpected ending = a terrific read. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I was a bit confused as to what Disconnection was referring to since it was italicized throughout. That made it seem like it was some sort of title (of a book or movie) or something similar, but I don't think that's what you intended, especially since you mentioned that her husband's murder taught her about it. I would reconsider italicizing the word in the story.

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Somehow", and "even cruel" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Most days" and another inserted after "this day". Also, in that paragraph, since you didn't say the exact words the person said to her, the quotation marks should be omitted.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this well-written short story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
203
203
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You started with an interesting title and description, and the Prologue was as good as expected! I like the way you tell the story from the alien's point of view, and you point out many things that aliens likely question that I would have never considered. I also like the way you personified the alien, even talking about his employer. I especially like the way the alien talked about the reason the driver of the spaceship appreciated him.

I really enjoyed this prologue, and it has made me anxious to read the story. Although science fiction isn't one of my favorite genres, I think I would like your story. If it's half as interesting as the prologue, I know I would!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, the word "I" should be capitalized throughout the story. I thought you might have written it in lowercase because the narrator was an alien, but I checked out a few more of your stories, and it appears that you always write it that way. I would also choose either present or past tense for the story and stick with the chosen tense. The first two sentences are written in present tense, the next three are past tense, etc. I suggest changing the entire story to past tense.

In the second paragraph, you have "probably just" twice within two sentences. I suggest changing one of them to avoid overuse. Also in that sentence, "laying around" should be "lying around". In that sentence, the comma after "comedies" should be omitted. There are several sentence fragments throughout the story. For instance, the first and last sentences of the third paragraph aren't complete sentences; neither of them has a verb.

The first sentence of the fourth paragraph, "You see, the house i stay in has a special roof which retracts, that way we can beam up a specimen." is a run-on sentence. That could be remedied by changing it to, "You see, the house I stay in has a special roof that retracts. That way, we can beam up a specimen." In the following paragraph, I would change the period after "U.F.O's" to a comma and continue the sentence with, "which apparently..." Also, one thing to remember: a sentence that begins with "Which" or "Because" usually isn't a completely sentence, especially as written in this piece.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting prologue! It's a good introduction to the story that would be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out the finished work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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204
204
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a really good and interesting story, but it was hard to get past all of the grammatical, mechanical and typographical errors. I had to stop reading many times to determine what you really meant because of the misplaced punctuation.

You have a good idea here, and first person narrative worked well for this piece. People are hesitant to accuse someone who has been hurt and appears helpless of committing any crime. This story reminds us that one can never be too certain. I like the way you showed what was happening in the story through your words rather than just telling the story. The narrator's wicked thoughts were especially interesting. And you did a great job of character development for such a short piece. As I read it, it was easy for me to determine the relationship between the narrator and his sister.

I also like the way you ended the story, bringing us back to the story's title. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would capitalize "always" and "tomorrow" in the story's title. In the description, the period after "neighbors" should be a question mark, since you're asking a question. In the second sentence of the description, "if not" should be set off with commas. That sentence should end with a question mark as well, because you're asking another question. Rather than doing a line-by-line edit of the story, I'm just going to point out the errors in the first few paragraphs and suggest that you edit the entire story. If you would like additional assistance, email me, and I'll be glad to help!

In the beginning of the story, you have, "My sister pushed me out on the porch,turned me slightly. So I could get a better look at the school crossing, in front of our house." As it is, there are problems with verb choice, sentence fragments and misused punctuation. I suggest changing the sentence to, "My sister pushed me out on the porch, turning me slightly so I could get a better look at the school crossing in front of our house."

In the second paragraph, you say, "Things had been this way every sense I left the hospital. The last doctor visit, The doctor commented. I would have thought he would have improved some by now. I don't understand it." In the first sentence, "every sense" should be "ever since". I suggest changing the next sentence to, "At my last doctor visit, the doctor commented, "I thought he would have improved some by now. I don't understand it.""

I won't try to rewrite any more of the story, but I do suggest that you read it aloud to determine where there should be pauses. If there shouldn't be one, then there shouldn't be a comma or period there. A few more things I will point out: If you are quoting what somebody said, there should be quotation marks around the statement. If you're giving an age range, it should be "six to ten", not "six till ten". "Till" is an abbreviated way of saying "until". If you are shortening "you are", it should be written as "you're", not "your". "Your" means belonging to you. Finally, there should be a space after every comma.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this piece! It's a good short story that would be much better after a thorough edit. I look forward to reading more!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
205
205
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Stevie . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


My Thoughts: Wow! I could hardly believe that this story was written by someone who has been a member of WDC for less than a month! I was blown away, and not just from the Unconventional Warfare. *Laugh* This piece was terrific. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story with a stringent word limit, but you made it seem effortless here. I was drawn in from the action-packed beginning and remained on the edge of my seat throughout the story.

You do a great job of showing, rather than just telling the story. The "deafening booms", "flashes of light" and "acrid smell of smoke and sulphur" brought me into the story, and all filled all of my senses. First person narrative was a good choice for this piece, and I was on edge, empathizing with the narrator, throughout. And the ending was absolutely fantastic! Without giving too much away for people who read this review, I never saw that one coming! I love stories with a twist and the end, and this one was superb!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: I would suggest changing the description to give the reader a hint at what the story is about. This is such a great story, but the description tells nothing about the contents. If you want to let the reader know that it was a contest entry, you could put a note at the beginning or end of the story informing them of such.

In the third sentence of the story, I would insert a comma after "terrifying" so that "and just as terrifying" is set off with commas. A couple of sentences later, I would insert a comma after "second" and another after "obliterated". In the third paragraph, I would change "unfazed they are" to "unfazed they were" because the rest of the sentence/story is told in past tense. In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "In the distance". In the second sentence of the following paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "From above".

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this excellent short story! I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community, and I will definitely be visiting your port again soon.

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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206
206
Review of The Experiment  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*

First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I love flash fiction, and you did a good job with this one. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and interesting story in 300 words or less, and you made it seem effortless here. You did an excellent job of creating a story with an original idea using the given prompt, and you were even able to throw in a little twist at the end. Good job!

You started with an interesting title and description, and your invitation to join the characters was unique and made me anxious to read the story. I like your aliens' names, and your descriptive writing made it easy to picture them as well as the setting of the story. I loved your description of the alien's long green tongue. I could just imagine the orange creature with the green tongue. The entire story was interesting, but the twist at the end made it even better. It's hard to create a surprise ending for such a short story, but I never saw it coming.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would omit some of the spaces between the paragraphs. I think that would make the story easier to read as well as more visually appealing. Next, I would suggest you edit the story for punctuation errors. For instance, in the second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "planet". In the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "abruptly". In the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Cord". Also, "you're" is spelled incorrectly. Remember, if it's a contraction for "you are", it should be spelled "you're", not "your".

In the fourth paragraph, there are two questions, so each of those sentences should end with a question mark. In the next paragraph, "stopped" should be changed to "stop". In the last sentence of that paragraph, the period after "visited" should be a comma. A couple of paragraphs later, "Why did you do that" should end with a question mark. In the next paragraph, "Looking down ashamed." is a sentence fragment. I suggest changing it to something like "He looked down in shame." In the following paragraph, "exclaimed" shouldn't be capitalized. In the next paragraph, I would insert the word "him" after "informed".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting little story. I thoroughly enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
207
207
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Life's a Beach... says Joey C . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item.*UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I love your writing in this genre, and I've been waiting patiently for you to get five reviews of "Real Down-Home Cooking before reviewing another piece. It was worth the wait, and I'm glad I came back to this one! It was fantastic. You provided all of my favorite things: an eerie setting, gruesome horror and an unexpected twist at the end. I figured I would find some excellent horror stories in your port, and this one did not disappoint!

The story started out a bit slow, but that later made more sense. The background was needed so that you could provide the twist later. I love the setting you chose for this piece, and the characters' names were original. The dialogue in the story was interesting, and it was easy to picture the characters speaking with their accents. I absolutely love the photos you place in your stories. Not only are they fitting, but they also really help the reader to become more involved and more adequately picture the setting and the characters.

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: First, I would capitalize "limestone" and "gate" in the title of the story.

I don't think you need "The sound of" in the first sentence of the third paragraph. I think "The barmaid's boots clogged..." would sound even better. After all, do you want to say the sound clogged or the boots clogged? In the paragraph immediately following the second picture, I would insert a semicolon between "follow me" and "I have nothing". In the next paragraph, I would insert the word "as" between "and" and "Thanatos". Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence here. In the following sentence, I would insert a comma after "once more".

In the first paragraph after the next picture, I would insert a comma after "cross" so that "the last still topped with a crumbling cross" is set off with commas. In the next sentence, I would set "with both hands" off with commas. In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "When it stopped". A few paragraphs later, "more gold down there then" should be "more gold down there than".

The sentence "Thanatos did not startle, but reached out taking the lantern he raised it up to show light on Jasper's face." didn't make sense to me. Maybe it would read more smoothly as "Thanatos did not startle, but instead took the lantern and raised it so that it showed light on Jasper's face."

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing another terrific read. I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to visiting your horror folder again soon!

*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*


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208
208
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Oh how I miss those Seinfeld episodes! You brought the characters back to life with this story. I could easily picture the scene as you described it, and it would be a believable Seinfeld episode. Any fan of Seinfeld could tell that you have captured the essence of the characters in this piece. It was almost as though I was sitting in front of the television, enjoying a new episode.

You did a good job of telling a complete and interesting story in the 500 word range. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using so few words, but you made it seem effortless here. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First and foremost, I would capitalize "Guest" in the title of the story.

You have written this story in present tense, but there are some instances in which you switch to past. For example, in the second paragraph, you say, "The doorbell rang. Aunt Selma shuffled..." In keeping with present tense, this should be changed to "The doorbell rings. Aunt Selma shuffles..." A couple of sentences later, "I knew" should be "I know". You would have to continue making changes for tense agreement until you get to "I raise my eyebrow..." However, a few sentences later, you switch back to past tense.

In the fourth paragraph, there should be closing quotes after "shirt back". There are instances throughout the story, mostly before a name, were commas should be inserted. For example, there should be a comma between "Jerry" and "integrity" in the sixth paragraph. Also, you seem to have a little trouble with run-on sentences in conversations. The sentence, "I wouldn’t know Jerry, after all, you were the one who left your shirt in the laundry room, anyone could have tried it on." has numerous run-ons. I think it would read better as "I wouldn't know, Jerry. After all, you were the one who left your shirt in the laundry room. Anyone could have tried it on."

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Overall: Thank you for providing this humorous read. It was a good story that could be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read and look forward to vising your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
209
209
Review of Sweet Douglas  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a sweet, beautiful story, and I loved the ending. It took me some time to get into the story, because it started out a bit slow in order to provide adequate background. The ending made up for it, though, and I actually got goosebumps as I read about Cynthia's whispered "Goodbye." The epilogue was a nice touch, helping the reader to realize how significant the key and that last goodbye really was.

I could easily imagine little Cynthia and Douglas playing on the slide. You gave great physical descriptions of them. I could also imagine their sweet, shy first kiss and the subsequent joy, then loss. Great job!

I did wonder about the significance of mentioning Cynthia's illness and her Grandmother in the story. While I realize that it provided background, I can't help but think that some of that space (especially in a story this short) could be better used telling more about her relationship with Douglas. I'm still not quite sure why they never saw each other again after that day on the slide. After all, Cynthia had just moved there, and the story doesn't mention that Douglas had plans to move or that he was suffering from an illness. It was a bit confusing for me.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, "in December" should be set off with commas. In the third paragraph, "in April" should be set off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "At first". In that paragraph, I would omit the word "and" before "her old friends", because you use "and" again after that. In the following paragraph, I would omit the "and" before "had blonde hair" for the same reason. In the next-to-last sentence of that paragraph, "The often shared" should be "They often shared".

There seemed to be too much going on in the story with very little description for each. We have Cynthia's illness, her grandmother, her move, her new friend Douglas, and then her loss of Douglas without a reason. I suggest focusing on just one thing, particularly Cynthia and Douglas, and telling about it more thoroughly.

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this lovely short story. I enjoyed the read, and I look forward to visiting your port again soon!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
210
210
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
December Raid funny image


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You make a lot of great points in this essay. You offer your ideas about the causes and effects of the financial difficulties faced today. You also offer your ideas on possible solutions to these problems. One such suggestion is to provide large amounts of money to families. While I think that is a wonderful idea, I do wonder where that money is supposed to come from. Also, what about the individuals who are facing the same financial difficulties? Should they be overlooked because they don't have families?

You did do a good job with this essay. You began by stating your opinion. The body of the essay consisted of reasons behind your opinion. Then, you ended the essay by coming back to your original assertion - that the world needs financial aid. Although I don't think it's as cut and dry as it appears in the essay, I totally agree with your conclusion. And whether or not I agree doesn't matter. You did a good job of stating your opinion and using various things to support that opinion. Good job.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you review this piece for grammatical and spelling errors. For instance, in the first sentence, "needs" is spelled incorrectly. In the second sentence, "he" should be "the". You also say in that sentence that the recession has made many people unemployed. I think it would be more concise to say that it has caused many people to lose their jobs. In the following sentence, "occurred" is spelled incorrectly. In that sentence, "therefore" should be set off with commas.

Speaking of the word "therefore", I think it is overused in this short essay. You used it three times in four paragraphs. I suggest considering changing at least one of them. In the third paragraph, you say "some didn't received the money they were owed." In the very next sentence, you say "They did receive the money they were owed." I would omit the sentence, because it directly contradicts the first one. Finally, in the last paragraph, I would change "over-precautious" to "overly cautious".

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Overall: Thank you for sharing this thought provoking essay. I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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211
211
Review of wondoring  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
December Raid funny image


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a beautiful and inspiring piece. I'm sure that most of us can relate to those feelings of being lost, and I think this piece is something we all need to remember during those times. You characterized those feelings perfectly and offered some hope at the end. So many times, we feel discouraged and forget why we are even trying. This piece helps us to remember why.

Although this piece is rather short, it's complete, and you take us through a variety of emotions. I love the way you ended on a positive note, providing encouragement to keep going. Great job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: I suggest that you omit some of the spaces between each line. To me, it made the piece a bit hard to read, and it wasn't as visually appealing as it would have been without all the extra spaces.

"Wandering" is spelled incorrectly in the title and throughout this piece. Since the word is so prevalent, the misspelling detracts from the piece. I would also consider changing the description, because you say it's a couple of words that you need to remember, but it's much more than a couple words. I would change it to something like "Just something I need to remember when I'm down".

Near the end of the piece, "smiling at my" should be "smiling at me". A couple of sentences later, "what lie ahead" should be "what lies ahead".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this little inspiring piece. I thoroughly enjoyed the read and will definitely be checking out more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Image #1964775 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
212
212
Review of Moving to Albion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
December Raid funny image


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This story was very interesting, and it left me with a lot of questions about the narrator's father. I initially wanted you to give more detail in the story about what the father had done, but, on second thought, I think the story is good as is. You gave adequate reasons for the narrator's dislike for the place, and the few details you gave about the father made the story more interesting. Although the piece left a few questions, it didn't completely leave the reader hanging.

First person narrative suited this story, and I like the way you chose to tell it in present tense. Even though the story is short, it's complete enough, and you delivered what you promised in the description. I could easily imagine the narrator walking along the streets in despair. Good job!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, "Pygmy" should be capitalized, and it is spelled incorrectly. In that same sentence, I would omit one of the instances of the word "had". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "somewhere else". The last sentence of that paragraph, "Just walk." seems out of place and too vague. I suggest changing it to, "I should stop thinking and just walk." In the next paragraph, the sentence that begins with "How weird" should end with a question mark. In the last sentence of that paragraph, "What with what dad did" is way too confusing. I would change it to "Especially considering what dad did".

In the next paragraph, "It reminds you of your" should be "It reminds me of my" because you're talking about your own thoughts here. In that same paragraph, "It could have been you," should be in quotation marks, because you're directly quoting what the lawyers said. In the next paragraph, you say something "broke two halves of the corner away". If that's the case, it would have broken the corner off completely, because two halves make a whole. I would change this. Finally, I would change the last paragraph to past tense, because the rest of the story is in past tense.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for providing this interesting story! I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


Image #1964775 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
213
213
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
December Raid funny image


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: Ah, it's so nice to see the good guy actually prevail. This was a great story. Although it was short, it was complete, and it left no questions unanswered. First person narrative worked well for this story. Whether or not it was based on an actual experience that you had, it's something that could easily happen, and it was believable.

I'm sure that most of us can relate to this piece in some way. I worked as a cashier in college, and there were many instances in which customers tried to pull one over on me. I was glad the narrator of this story wasn't so naive to be duped a second time, and I was even more glad that arguing with the customer had no negative repercussions. Great job!

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would capitalize "not" in the title. I would skip a line between the paragraphs in the story to make it more visually appealing and easier to read. In the first sentence, I would insert a comma after "college". In the last sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "8" to "eight", because numbers under 10 are usually written out. In the second paragraph, I would change "Not really paying attention." to "I wasn't really paying attention." Otherwise, this is a sentence fragment. I would insert "The guy" at the beginning of the next sentence for the same reason. I know that was probably intentional here, but you mentioned the guy in the first sentence of the paragraph, then referring to yourself in the first sentence fragment and finally, you were referring to the guy in the last one. As a result, this paragraph isn't as clear as it would be if the fragments were avoided.

In the first sentence of the third paragraph, I would omit "back late". In that paragraph, you switched from past tense to present tense with the sentence, "I bet he is going to try to scam me again, so I’ll play along to a point." I suggest changing that sentence to "I figured he was going to try to scam me again, so I decided to play along." In that paragraph, the sentenced that begins with "Grabbed" is a sentence fragment, because it lacks a subject. I suggest inserting "He" at the beginning of the sentence. Also "Juicy Fruit" should be capitalized.

Toward the end of the story, "your not" should be "you're not", because it's a contraction for "you are". Finally, in the last paragraph, by saying his girlfriend was already in the car in the first sentence and starting the next sentence with "She took off..." makes it seem like she drove off without him. Reading on, I don't think you meant to indicate that, so I suggest reviewing and rewriting these two sentences for clarity.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this interesting story. I really enjoyed the read, and I can already tell you're going to be an excellent addition to the WDC community. I will definitely be checking out more of your work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
214
214
Review of Amy  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
December Raid funny image


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: I think you underestimate this story in its description. It is not "simple". It's a very interesting story, and I absolutely love the ending. First person narrative worked well for this piece, and I was empathizing the narrator until the last part of the story. Then, boom! You really provided an excellent twist. I love stories with a twist at the end, and you did a terrific job with the twist on this one.

I like the way you started the story with the narrator's confusion and let him have clarity at the end. The way he spoke to the reader in a sort of dialogue made the story more interesting and allowed me to get more involved in it. You chose a good setting for the story, and you easily held my interest from beginning to end. And, again, the end was terrific!

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: In the third sentence of the first paragraph, I would change "I mean" to "I thought". As it is, you're declaring in one sentence that it isn't possible and contradict yourself in the next by saying it is. A few sentence later, "three time" should be "three times" and I would change "for them each time to be pulled close" to "just to have them pulled closed". I would omit "with them" from the last sentence of that paragraph. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "have" should be "had", because the first part of that sentence is in past tense.

A couple of paragraphs later, a semicolon should be inserted between "online" and "this was progress". In that paragraph, I would insert quotation marks around "we" in the third sentence. The next-to-last sentence should end with a question mark. In the last sentence, I would change the comma after "before" and start a new sentence with "No, they aren't..." Two paragraphs later, third sentence, I would insert quotation marks around "we". A few sentences later, you say "my left one feels weaker". Your left what? Leg? If so, I would change "one" to "leg", because there's nothing in this paragraph that "one" could refer to. In that paragraph, I would insert a semicolon, or at least a comma, after "that's what it is". In the last sentence of that paragraph, you say it doesn't hurt, you must be ok, but then you say you'll have to go to the hospital. Another contradiction. Why would you have to go to the hospital if you're ok?

You have quite a few run-on sentences in this story. For instance, near the end of the story, you say, "I look around I can't see Amy anywhere or the car, I am still on the road." You have three complete sentences here (I look around. I can't see Amy or the car anywhere. I am still on the road.). I changed the position of "or the car" to make the sentence read more fluidly. To avoid the run-on sentence or the three somewhat boring sentence by separating them, I would change it to something like, "I look around but don't see Amy or the car anywhere. Yet, I am still on the road." You have the same problem with the first half of the next paragraph. "eat it's" should be "eat its" because "it's" is a contraction for "it is".

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this horror story. It's a good piece that would be even better after a quick edit. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
215
215
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
December Raid funny image


*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: This story was something I could really relate to! I've had those days where everything seemed to go wrong, and I could definitely sympathize with poor Jess. You told the story in a humorous way, and it was easy to get a chuckle out of the mishaps while feeling sorry for her. I also have some of those overly optimistic friends like Dot, and I could easily imagine Jess's frustration with her.

First person narrative worked well with this story, and it made it easier for me to 'get into' the story as I read. One disaster after another made me anxious to find out how the day would end. Speaking of the end, I love the ending you chose for the story. You ended it perfectly, bringing us back to the story's title.

One of my favorite things about the story was your referring to the broken refrigerator as a "deceased appliance". *Laugh*

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would suggest that you use the description line to tell a little bit about the story rather than that it was a contest entry. When looking for an item to read, people often glance at the description to determine whether or not it will be interesting. Saying that it's a contest entry neither gives the reader any information about the story or makes it appear interesting.

You made a common mechanical error in this piece. In every instance of your mention of the Griswolds, you inserted an apostrophe in "Griswolds". There shouldn't be an apostrophe in the word unless you're attempting to show possession. For instance, if you say "the Griswold's dog", the apostrophe would be warranted, because you're showing possession. If, however, as in the first paragraph of the story, you say, Griswolds Take Vacation, there shouldn't be an apostrophe, because you're not indicating possession. I believe that every instance of "Griswold's" that I saw in the story should be "Griswolds".

Finally, my biggest issue with the story is that you teased us throughout with hints of how terrible your little vacation was, but you offered no explanation of what actually happened during the vacation. While your description of all of the mishaps after you returned home was excellent, it was somewhat overshadowed by the expectation of finding out what happened on the vacation, making the story seem like it left something to be desired. Since there is a 1,000 word limitation, I suggest focusing on one or the other, but not both.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this great short story. Judging from this well-written piece, I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community! I look forward to reading more of your work.

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
216
216
Review of Five Golden Rings  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Dutch Hill Girl ! I'm reviewing "Five Golden Rings for the "Invalid Item Contest.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This is a terrific story! Writing about a frazzled mother trying to handle a weekend before Christmas alone, especially while trying to clean and care for kids and a dog, is something I'm sure many women can relate to. You did a perfect job of describing the family interactions, and your descriptive writing made it easy for me to picture the scenes as you described them. First person narrative worked well for this piece; I think it's somewhat easier to sympathize with the main character of a first person story.

As I read, I was wondering how you were going to put the five rings together at the end, and you did so brilliantly. From the note through the end of the story, I was actually smiling and thinking that this is the perfect time of year to read a heartwarming story such as this one. It also served as a reminder that we should think twice before we accusing someone of not caring or resent someone for not being there.

As the story unfolded, I was lost in Janet's world. You easily held my attention from beginning to end. In fact, I was so wrapped up in the well-written story, I hadn't even noticed that all of characters names began with 'J' until that last part of the story. I must say that was a clever touch, and it provided another bond for this family. Great job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: The only issue I could really see in the story is a misplacement of commas. One think I would suggest is, before placing a comma before "and", check to see if you would have two complete sentences without the word "and". If not, there's no need for a comma.

In the second sentence of the second paragraph,a comma should be inserted after "table". In the following sentence, the comma after "hand" should be omitted. I would omit the word "up" from the third paragraph. In the first sentence of the ninth paragraph, the comma after "pen" should be omitted. In the next paragraph, I would change "said" to "asked".

In the sentence, "After drying her up, and giving Jenny a bottle, and sponging the bathroom floor, and putting Jenny down for a nap, it was time for baking holiday cookies.", I would omit the word "up" and some of the "and"s. I would rewrite to read, "After drying her, giving Jenny a bottle, sponging the bathroom floor and putting Jenny down for a nap, it was time to back holiday cookies."

Four paragraphs later, I would change "wrapping" to "wrap".

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I will definitely be visiting your port again soon!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


Peeking in with a SP review sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
217
217
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Jeannie . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

My Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story, and the photograph fit it perfectly. From the genre and the description, I expected it to be more suspenseful, but I loved the happy ending. I have been reading a lot of horror stories lately and, although I love that genre, it's nice to read a heartwarming story such as this, especially during this time of year.

Although I usually read stories shorter than this, this one held my interest throughout. The characters were likable and interesting, and you handled their interactions well. I like the way the children resembled their ancestors in the photographs, and the way the characters found out not only who lost the photograph, but also about the people in the photo, was very clever!

*Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab* *Umbrellab*


My Suggestions: This is something rather petty, but I found it worth mentioning. In the second paragraph, you say, "I found it walking along..." At first glance, it appears that Jackie was saying the photograph was walking. I could consider changing it to "I found it when I was walking along..."

In the fourth paragraph, you forgot to put the opening quotes before "Thanks". In that same paragraph, I think "Allen Wiese came to mind; her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer" would sound better if rearranged as "Allen Wiese, her friend who was now a semi-retired photographer, came to mind. In the following sentence, "He's" should be "He'd" since you're telling the story in past tense.

In the tenth paragraph, you added an 'h' to "Ronda" (spelling it Rhonda). In that same paragraph, you say "Come over when she can" when it should be "Come over when you can". A couple of paragraphs later, "desk" shouldn't be capitalized. A couple of paragraphs later, you put an 'h' in "Rhonda" again. In fact, you alternate between "Rhonda" and "Ronda" throughout the rest of the story.

In the paragraph that begins "Allen was seated...", in the last sentence of that paragraph, "he" shouldn't be capitalized in "he said". Five paragraphs later, "documents and take them" should be "documents and taken them". Eight paragraphs later, in the sentence, "I think we can help each other out you", the word "you" should be omitted at the end of that sentence. Ten paragraphs later, you say "they both sat down together on the couch". I would omit either "both" or "together" because they're repetitive. In the next sentence, I believe the word "her" should be omitted.

A few paragraphs later, where you say "inform us of a serious car accident, that Allison died on impact", I think it would sound better as "inform us of a serious car accident in which Allison died on impact. In the following sentence, the comma after "shock" isn't needed. Four paragraphs later, there should be closing quotation marks after "meet them". In the next paragraph, you introduce a quote by saying "she said", but then you said "Susan said" at the end of the quote. You don't need the "Susan said". A few paragraphs later, "be so thrill" should be "be so thrilled". In the next paragraph, "excited" is spelled incorrectly.

Three paragraphs later, you say "They thrilled us...", but since none of the story is written in first person, I was unclear as to whom "us" referred. Similarly, near the end of the story, you refer to "our stunned faces", but the story is in third person narrative, so this doesn't make sense.

*Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar* *Umbrellar*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this heartwarming story. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to visiting your port again soon!


*Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag* *Umbrellag*



My SAJ Charity Ornament Sig




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
218
218
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a good chapter, but it is replete with grammatical, mechanical and spelling errors. You have an excellent idea, and the action packed scenes held my interest and made me anxious to see what would happen to poor Jarrett. Even after the initial conflict is resolved, you leave the reader with many questions and reasons to keep reading. For instance, why was Jarrett so angry and careless? I hope to find an answer in the next chapter.

I especially liked the line "the wind is howling a melancholy song in his ear," and I think it and similar lines do a terrific job of setting the tone of the story. You also did a good job with your vivid descriptions of the scenes. I could easily imagine the tumultuous storm.

*Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb**Starb*


My Suggestions: First of all, I would capitalize the words in the title. I think that makes it look more professional and more visually appealing to the reader. In the story's description, "ripped" is spelled incorrectly.

Is there a reason this chapter was so short? If the next chapter is similarly brief, I would suggest combining them. And while I love a good cliffhanger to end a chapter, I don't think you should have ended in mid-sentence or without punctuation.

There are several compound words that you should combine. The following are examples: "breath taking" should be "breathtaking", "heart beat" should be "heartbeat", "him self" should be "himself" and "sun set" should be "sunset". In the third paragraph, you have "felt him self self falling". This should be "felt himself falling". Also, it seems you have difficultly with "where" and "were". In the last paragraph, both instances of the word should be "were". For reference, "where" refers to location while "were" is the plural of was. Tense was also an issue in the story. You began with past tense, but you quickly switched to present, then back to past, etc. I suggest rewriting in all past tense.

In the first paragraph, you say, "He's heard the heart beat of the world and listened to the breathing of the oceans, the songs smells and sounds of the ocean he has heard." I think that sentence would sound better if you would combine "heartbeat", change the comma to a period and omit the rest of the sentence. And I think it would be an excellent sentence. But everything after the comma is just confusing. It's worded strangely, and how can you hear the smells of the ocean?
In the third paragraph, "blursand" should be "blurs and". In the last paragraph, "proceeded", "collapsed", "again" and "scanned" are misspelled. There are also several misplaced commas in the story. I suggest reading it to determine whether or not there should be a pause at each place you have a comma. If you don't pause there when reading it, then it's likely the comma should be omitted.

*Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr**Starr*


Overall: This is an interesting story, and it could be really good after a thorough edit. If you decide to do so, I'd be happy to look at it again afterward. Thanks for sharing!

*Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg**Starg*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
219
219
Review of Obsession  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Header for The Gift Shop This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item that you won at the "12 Days of Midwinter Christmas raffle.

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Thoughts: This story was excellent. Although it was somewhat longer than stories I usually choose to read, I couldn't resist the title and description. I must say that it lived up to my expectations. I became hooked within the first few paragraphs, and I was riveted to my seat until the end. I must admit that I really had to fight the urge to skip ahead near the end of the story. It wasn't at all that I was bored, but because you did such a terrific job of keeping me guessing throughout the story that I almost couldn't wait to see how it ended!

Katerina was a likable character, and she was easy to relate to and empathize with. I do wish you would have given a bit more background information about her, because her age and physical characteristics were a bit unclear to me. I thought she was middle aged by the description of her holding her hand on her back to fight pain/stiffness, but her interactions with Ron made her seem much younger. Also, I wondered why it had been so easy for her to leave her life in Indiana. Did she have any family there? Had she been married? Boyfriend? Any kids? Also, although you did a great job of describing Ron's physical appearance, I was left wondering how Katerina looked.

Moving on, I loved the story's premise. I had never seen a dilemma such as the one Katerina had. It was scary and exciting, and as I said earlier, the ending came as a complete surprise. I love the dark/horror genre, and you did a terrific job!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


My Suggestions: In the first line, I would omit "to herself". After all, to whom else would one think? In that paragraph, I would make "hometown" one word. Also, there are at least five instances of the word "had" or "have" in the first paragraph. I suggest editing the piece to cut at least a few of them. In most sentences, they wouldn't be missed. In the second paragraph, I would change "embrace of recliner" to "embrace of the recliner". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "door". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "den". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, I would move the word "entirely" from the end of the sentence to between "had" and "slipped". In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, I would omit the word "have" and insert the word "she" between "when" and "returned".

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "home" and insert the word "of" between "stack" and "mail". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "it". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma to a question mark. In the third sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "later". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Apparently". In the next sentence, the question mark should be after "nice", not after "herself". In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Finally". Even though there are several spaces separating this paragraph from the next few paragraphs, I don't think those paragraphs fit well here. It really makes it seem as though Ronald has walked into her house at first. Once it became obvious that it was another time and place (on campus) entirely, I wondered about the purpose of having it here. The fact that, after a few spaces between the paragraphs, she is back in her den, it makes in seem even more like those paragraphs just interrupt the flow of the story. I would suggest either putting them in a different place or at least find a way to make a smoother transition.

In the next paragraph (where she is back in her den), I would omit the second "up" from "up the stairway up to her...". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "fatigue". In the third sentence of the next paragraph, I would insert a comma after "brushing". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "face". I would also consider changing the wording of that sentence because you have "By the time she was finished..." and "After she was finished..." as consecutive sentences. It seemed to me a bit repetitive when worded that way. I would change the comma after the swear word in the next paragraph to an exclamation point, because you're saying she "exclaimed". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would insert a comma after "bed".

In the second sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "bellow". In the next sentence, I'd insert a comma after "Eventually". In the last sentence of that paragraph, "sway from the desk" should be "away from the desk". In the next paragraph, the question mark should be after "offer" instead of "asked". In the last sentence of the last paragraph of that part of the story, a comma should be inserted after "results". In the first paragraph of the next part, a comma should be inserted after "room". Near the middle of that part of the story, "Dream" should be capitalized, because it's part of the title. Several paragraphs later, in the part of the story that starts, "The Siberian Orchestra put on...", in the third paragraph, the period after "Sure, why not" should be changed to a question mark. In the next-to-last paragraph of the story, the sentence that begins "In order to keep the balance..." should end with a question mark, because it goes on to ask a question.

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Overall: Thank you for providing this fantastic read. It's a story that I won't soon forget, and I can't wait to check out more of your work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


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220
220
Review of A Short Memory  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: This is quite an emotional piece you have here! Although it is rather short, you manage to get your point across and adequately describe longing for someone whom you thought you had forgotten. Every so often, a person feels melancholy for no particular reason. This would be the perfect piece to describe that feeling.

The title of the story is appealing, and first person narrative works well for this piece. The story's description evidences that the narrator may just be wishing that he could forget. Also, the story goes to show that, even if you do think you have forgotten someone, those sad feelings sometimes just won't go away. I particularly liked the last line and imagining someone whispering to the night sky. Nice touch!

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My Suggestions: In the story's description, "than" is spelled incorrectly. Also, I think it would sound better if you changed "I" to "I'd". I would omit the word "down" from the first sentence. After all, how else could tears be falling? You need to insert a space after the period in the first sentence. In the fourth sentence, "in this cold night" should be "on this cold night". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "cried and cried".

In the middle of this piece, you switch from past tense to present tense in two sentences (beginning "I try..." and "I feel...") I suggest remaining in past tense throughout the story. Especially in such a short piece, the change in tense interrupted the flow of the story. Near the end, a comma should be inserted after "Tonight". In the last sentence, in accordance with keeping the story past tense, "can" should be "could". Also, I would change the semicolon to a hyphen, and I wouldn't capitalize the word "girl".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for sharing this emotion-filled piece. I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your work. Again, welcome to WDC. You're going to be a great addition here!

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221
221
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: You have an excellent premise for a story here: a teenager who is connected to the spirit world and has problems with a demon. You did a good job of describing Ruby-Rose in this chapter and giving the reader a hint of what's to come. I would have liked to find out a little about her parents, though. Other than that, the characters you mentioned seem interesting, and I am anxious to learn more about Ruby-Rose and her boyfriend.

First person narrative works well for this piece, and Ruby-Rose appears to be a likable character that most readers can easily relate to and empathize with. I love the way you ended this chapter with an introduction to Damon. That definitely has me ready to read on to find out just what the conflict is. Good job!

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My Suggestions: I suggest capitalizing "Voice" in the title. Also, instead of putting "Chapter 1" in the story's description field, I would change the title to "The Demon Voice - Chapter 1" to allow you to write something about the chapter/story in the description field. In the first sentence, I would change "I had" to "I've", change the comma to a semicolon and change "then" to "than". In the last sentence of that paragraph, I would change the comma after "anyway" to a period and start a new sentence with "Most would..."

The second paragraph is one long run-on sentence. I suggest editing that paragraph to make it at least three separate sentences. Also, in that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "kid", I would omit the phrase "to me", and "like many kids" should be set off with commas. Finally, that paragraph should end with a period. In the third paragraph, the comma after "out" should be changed to a period. In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "time" so that "for the longest time" is set off with commas. In the next sentence, "looking back on it" should be set off with commas. The comma after "fact" should be a period, and you should start a new sentence with "All my memories..." Also, that paragraph should end with a period.

In the first sentence of the next paragraph, the word "a" should be inserted between "was" and "year". Throughout the rest of the story, you have a lot of run-on sentences, using commas where you should have used periods. I suggest reviewing the chapter in its entirety to look for and remedy this problem. Also, proper nouns, such as "Rose" and Willow" should be capitalized. In one paragraph, you say the narrator is eighteen, and in the following paragraph, you say she's eighteen, turning nineteen in a week's time. I suggest omitting the first instance of telling she's eighteen. "guy is looks big" should be "guy who looks big". "course" is spelled incorrectly in the next-to-last paragraph. A period should be inserted at the end of the last paragraph.

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Overall: Thank you for providing this enjoyable read. This is a good chapter that would be much better after a thorough edit. If you decide to edit, I'd be happy to take another look at it afterwards! Again, welcome to WDC, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

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222
222
Review of From Prompt  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

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My Thoughts: I really liked this scary tale! You began the story with adequate background information before jumping right into the conflict. I love the way you took the reader through the narrator's myriad of emotions. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to experience the uneasiness that the narrator was feeling. You also did a great job of describing the spooky character the narrator encountered, adding to the suspense.

Although first person narrative worked well with this story, I couldn't help but ask at the end, "OK, so how did the narrator write the story?" I loved the ending, but it did leave me with that question. Something to consider.

I loved the line, "After a deep breath, I felt no less scared, but a little lightheaded." Despite the danger of the situation, I couldn't help but smile at that clever bit of humor.

*Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr* *Penr*


My Suggestions: I would change the title. You could come up with something really interesting and creative, but "From Prompt" gives no information at all about the story. In the first sentence, I would omit the word "today", because you aready mentioned having a long day, so it's obvious you're talking about today. In the second sentence, "against all odds" should be set off with commas. The word "with" should be omitted from the third sentence. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "those days". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "At home".

In the second paragraph, I would consider omitting "surrounding the road" because it's unnecessary - that's generally what streetlights do. The comma after "followed" in the next sentence is unnecessary. "Except on the nights we were graced with a full moon." is a sentence fragment. I suggest adding it to the end of the previous sentence to remedy this. In the next sentence, a semicolon should be inserted after "full". A couple of sentences later, "where to happen" should be "were to happen", and a comma should be inserted after "happen".

In the first sentence of the third paragraph, "don't" should be "didn't", since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that paragraph, a comma should be placed after both instances of "This time". Same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "slightly". A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "situation". "just checked up him" should be "just checked on him". A comma should be inserted after "if I didn't get out". Also, in that paragraph, you mention being too afraid to stop. I would reconsider that, because you had already stopped.

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: Thank you for providing this eerie little read! I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more of your work!

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223
223
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: I can tell this is going to be a very interesting story. You captured my interest with the missing girl and held it through the glove that was dripping blood. I love the way you're telling two stories within the story, and I think both of them will be nail biters! Add to that a possible town conspiracy/cover up, and you have a terrific story in the works!

I like the way you hinted that Audrey was living a double life. I also like the way you switched from a story about a missing teen to one about a gentleman's club, and I wonder if Audrey was somehow involved with the club. I also couldn't help but wonder how long Audrey had been missing when she was found, and I didn't see that anywhere in the story. Guess I'll have to wait for you to post more of the story to find out. *Wink*

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My Suggestions: I suggest capitalizing "Disappearance" in the story's title. In the second sentence, a period should be inserted after "town", and you should start a new sentence with, "In fact..." A comma should be inserted after "fact" and another inserted after "other" in that sentence. I don't think her physical description should be in the sentence describing her as the brightest in all her classes. I would separate those sentences. I would change "intended on going" to "intended to go". In that paragraph, you have a run-on sentence that could be remedied by changing the comma after "light up the room" to a period and starting a new sentence with "Even though she..." A few sentences later, "wanted too" should be "wanted to".

I would mention that the girl's name was Audrey in the first paragraph instead of waiting until the second. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would omit either "whole" or "entire", because they have the same meaning and you don't need both of them. Also, to avoid another run-on sentence, the comma after "for her" should be changed to a period, and a new sentence should begin with, "They searched..." In the newspaper announcement, "confirmation" is spelled incorrectly. Also, I think it's a bit unrealistic to say a newspaper release would use the words "mangled body".

In the last paragraph, "are in attendance" should be "were in attendance" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In the next sentence, "a young women" should be "a young woman" and "walks" should be "walked". Also, that sentence is VERY long. I suggest splitting it into at least two sentences. A few sentences later, "watch" should be "watched" and "slide" should be "slid".

*Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng* *Peng*


Overall: This is a good start to a story that would be even better after a thorough edit. I enjoyed the read and can't wait to check out more of your work!

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224
224
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

*Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb* *Penb*


My Thoughts: This is the beginning to what would likely be an excellent story! I'm sure that many of us can relate to falling for our best friend as well as "the one that got away". You described the situation perfectly, even going so far as telling all of the things that teachers and other adults promise upon graduation from high school. I went through that same experience, and, like you, I wasn't all that excited about losing some of my friends.

First person narrative works well for this story, and your descriptive writing style made it easy to picture Wilson, and I could easily see why you fell for him. Ending the story when the volleyball player came into his life was just wrong. I HAVE to know what happened! *Laugh*

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My Suggestions: First I would suggest breaking the story into paragraphs to make it more visually appealing and easier to read. In the short description at the beginning, "should of gone" should be "should have gone". In the fourth paragraph, I'd change "would say" to said, since you're writing the story in past tense instead of future tense. A few sentences later "have my friends" should be "having my friends" to make it parallel with "walking" in the same sentence. Several sentences later, "of course" should be set off with commas.

From the sentence "It scares me how much we know about each other" through the rest of this piece, you have difficulty with keeping the story in past tense. I suggest changing "scares" to "scared", "know" to "knew" and editing the remainder of the story to reflect past tense. After that sentence, I would change "how he and I" to "that he and I". A few sentences later, "he's have brief flings" should be "he'd have brief flings".

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Overall: I really enjoyed this teaser from a book you hope to write, and I would strongly suggest that you follow through. I can already tell you're going to be a terrific addition to the WDC community, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

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225
225
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Header for The Gift Shop This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item that you won at the "12 Days of Midwinter Christmas raffle.

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My Thoughts: Oh, I was so disappointed when I got to the end of this and realized it wasn't complete. I guess I was given a clue when I saw that it was labeled a novel and started with "Chapter One", but I went on my merry little way reading it, really getting into the story, until it abruptly ended. Maybe you could put a note at the beginning that it's a work in progress?

I really liked what I read of the story. I love the title of the story, and that alone would make me want to read the story. You did a good job of setting the background for the story and describing Jolene's nightmare that kept recurring. At the end of the chapter, you give the reader another tidbit of information: her parents have just been killed. I do wonder how old Jolene is, as it didn't seem to say in this chapter. A am also very anxious to learn more about her mysterious past, as promised in the story's description. I do hope you continue to work on it. You have an excellent start!

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My Suggestions: I would break the long paragraph at the beginning of the chapter into several smaller paragraphs to make the story more visually appealing and easier to read. In that paragraph, rather than saying "Filled with mystification, she began...", I think it would be more concise to say, "Mystified, she began..." A few sentences later, "She began hear" should be "She began to hear". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "Cautiously". In the following sentence, a comma should be inserted after "door". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Quietly".

In the sentence that begins, "The attached writing table of the desk...", I would omit "of the desk". The previous sentence mentioned the desk, and the word "attached" made it clear the writing table was attached to that desk. I notice several instances in the story where you have written in passive voice. I think active voice would be more appropriate. For instance, I would rearrange the next sentence to read, "Several large knives were penetrating the trash can." A few sentences later, "if not older" should be set off with commas. A few sentences later, "and dressed entirely" should be "and was dressed entirely". A comma should be inserted after "Frantically sobbing". "But he's our son" should be in quotation marks.

I would change "to the room of her parents" to "to her parents' room". A few sentences later, the comma after "looked into his eyes" should be a semicolon. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "hollow". Next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Horrified". Several sentences later, I would omit "what is" from "like that what is seen". In the next paragraph, "devout" is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, "funeral was to held" should be "funeral was to be held"

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Overall: This is a very good beginning to what I'm sure will be an excellent story. I really enjoyed the read and cannot wait to read the finished work!

*Gifto* *Giftp* *Giftt* *Giftw* *Gift* *Gift1* *Gift2* *Gift3* *Gift4* *Giftb* *Giftg* *Giftw*


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