I like this a lot. Your forward thinking in thias work shows your optimism. You put great visible images in the reader's head. The picture you paint is very distinct with your special wording.
I'm a person who writes poetry with punctuation purpose. I read it aloud that way. An author finds his own best voice. Just be sure of what you are doing in punctuation. Know the rules. Keep 'em handy till they sink in. As I read your semicolon, I don't think its usage is correct. If you edit, you might want to consider this area.
I like your lines that say: "these were replaced by a united planet:
Earth had become a one country
and humanity one multihued species
blind to the differences. . .
This is such a beautifully stated ideal. I might suggest using the word single, or solitary, or some other adjective that says more than "one."
I like this a lot. It is well worded and the rhyme flows easily. You give great examples, especially the "less cliched" toward the end. A hug and a smile is a frequent gift of some people.
I question your use of "But" in the last line. I get what you're saying, without saying the words of making love or having sex. However, the correct usage of "but" fits this definition ~~ a conjunction CONTRASTING or OPPOSING the noun which comes before.
"And" would actually portray your meaning, but I understand not wating the last line to end with "And."
Just an idea from a grammar junkie.
I love the use of Simon and Garfunkle. Makes me want to listen to an album. Great job!
Wow! Powerfully emotional. You had me at the first verse.
This is well-written, and draws the reader into the experience, The pieces of life that are left behind by this person, like morals and ethics and broken friendships, spell out the situation well. This person is headed for disaster, as a friend watches, unable to change the inevitable.
I don't think it's necessary to capitalize Personality, because it's not a name. If you chose that for effect, I advise against it. Save capitals for where they belong for sure.
I must say that you suprised me in the last line. The deamon wasn't the one I was expecting. Great work.
This is a great flash fiction. For only 301 words, you have such vivid and detailed descriptions.
I like this fantasy piece. That a boy who read comics would end up with this supernatural power, adds a "Twilight Zone" kind of feeling to the story. That's what makes the ending so perfect. Excellent use of language
I like this poem. Your rhyme scheme is varied, but some of the words seem a little forced. The message in your poem is clear, and I like the length of this one.
One grammatical correction you might want to fix:
"You’re the only one for who I would cry" should actually be You're the only one for whom I would cry
I wanted to read your "Bio Block," but see you don't have it set up. It's in the "My Account" section, if you click the link at the top left hand side of the page. Won't you tell us more about you?
I like the narrative in this poem. Hope well we know the feelings you express so well.
I also like the repetition of the line "I fall to the floor, I need you so much, you could care less, it's too late for me now."
My only suggestion would be to look at your format. I doesn't look like a regular poem because of the way it's laid out on the page, especially with the extra long line that you repeat as a refrain. If you prefer it as it is, that's fine too
I wasn't familiar with the "eintou form" of poetry. This is a beautiful creation in both form and meaning.
Your images are both soft, and hard--showing subtly in your word choice, about the transition of season. Cherry blossoms are a wonderful visual climax to this work. This work brings me to think of "Fire and Ice."
Congratulations on a beautiful poem!
** Image ID #2186425 Unavailable ** peace, sunflower
I like the conversational tone in this piece. One suggestion: since you use the word "said" which is past tense, you need to use the word "agreed" so that the tenses match.
I was also confused by this line:
"God must be love you much" Like maybe there's a typo in there.
Overall, this is a great expressive work. Write on.
it's my opinion that punctuation ought to be included by the author so that the reader gets the correct rhythm to the work. What bothered me was that you asked a question, a most important question, and you didn't identify it with correct grammar.
Dashes may be your personal preference, but consider that classic poets through the ages DO put punctuation. It's part of the communication process that is the writer's responsibility.
This poem has such potential, such beauty in its expression--it's really good. Punctuation could make it great!
Interesting poll about those who have portrayed presidential figures on Saturday Night Live. This is an older poll, but Will Ferrell did make a great George W Bush before the left the show.
I was surprised you didn't offer the choice of Dana Carvey/George Bush. That was my favorite Carvey. Thanks for provoking some thought in my head.
This is absolutely beautiful ReJoyce! You bring tears to my eyes. You expressed the thought exquisitely!
I'm glad Writing.com is around for writers to encourage each other in the special way you have here. Keep painting those beautiful lingual pictures, and I'll keep reading and enjoying!
Constructive comments and negative criticism are not the same thing. I appreciate constructive criticism. Generic derogatory insults of my ignorance greeted me at my e-mail today. Someone, Anon, spent a lot of time reading, but never offering
suggestions for improvement!
Most often, reviewers give me insight into points I'd missed, reminding me about running spell check, but most always offering some sort of pat on the back for effort.
Having taught English in public school, I have ALWAYS included some positive comment, no matter how bad the attempt at writing. For some of the early/rough drafts I've reviewed, I've trodden softly so as not to criticize creativity. You need to take over looking at people's work with careful steps.
It's like you can walk all over until there's nothing left for the writer to do buy say "failure", feeling like a big wasted effort. This is not the way to do it. Nothing written is wasted effort, maybe wasted paper. . . .
Always I appreciate reviews that help me write better. This is only the second time I've gotten so rattled about a review-- in over three years at Stories.--er, Writing.com. Yeah, it's not personal--but is is. All reviewers ought to remember that.
So as those constructive comments are offered to the creator of a written work, let's remember that we improve each other's writing by suggesting--not by generic badmouthing. The words "spelling" and "Usage" and "grammar" without suggestions--detracts from the value of the review, and reviewer.
Be specific about the good and bad, and make suggestion if you can. . .
Probably, none of tonight's reviewers needed to read this. I just had to get it off my chest, and now I feel better. Sometimes, as a writer, you've just got to let it out. . . .
This poem has a nice roundness to it--I like the way you finish it off at the end. You answer the question you have posed in the work.
When you get a chance, set up your "BIO BLOCK" in the "my account" link at the top of the page. That way your audience can know more about you. Welcome to Writing.com!
Have you written a lot of reviews at Poetry.com? Did you pay them for a membership to put poems on their site? Have you bought one of their books with your work in it? Have you been to one of their conventions before?
I can hear the applause from all of us at Writing.com for the most excellent job the Story Master and Story Mistress do. AUDIO CAPABILITY!
What an excellent option! I'm going to have to LEARN something, in order to do this, but I can and will learn. Nobody's gonna call me an old dog, at least not yet! I can learn new tricks. We all can!
To be able to be heard gives those of us at Writing.com opportunities that can be found no where else on earth!
Writing.com gives great technical reading info when you need it. This is tech-speak that does make sense, with a bit of concentration on my part. I generally give up when I'm stuck with no help but the language of tech writing. It's not English to me!
I wanted to thank you for this page, and several others I've been clicking between to get my very own first personal sig on the site.
Toad, and his "Adopt a Granny" group have found me and helped me feel so welcome.
Now, I don't want to admit that I just might actually be a gray haired granny. Miss Clariol only knows for sure. But it's so wonderful to have a group to help me get involved in things I want to do but don't know how, or who to ask.
Many Thanks to Toad and the others who take in us older people that didn't grow up with computers.
Considering the battle for wages in the United States and around the world, this will prove to be an interesting sampling of questions and opinions about people who cross country lines to make a living.
With "wet backs" crossing the Rio Grande and sneaking in to the US as commercial cargo in a van, trying and sometimes dying to make a living, this is an interesting point to think about.
There's also the issue of "American" jobs being outsourced to places like Canada, and India (whose citizens are awake while we sleep, which is great for late night owls with needs which can be satisfactoraly met).
An interesting poll with interesting results, and the pollster would like your personal input too.
This is a cute reversal of "the dog ate my homework" routine. Very creative, and I like it.
I recently read in a writing magazine that an editor looking at pieces of work that might be published--well, if he sees the "&" used, he'll pitch it in the waste can. Would you want to consider spelling it out for professional principles?
As a cute little school poem, this stands well. The only reason I don't like the end is that I am a teacher. Yikes. It's not my fault. Geez. It never stops. The dog ate my gradebook. lol
But the poem itself is great. Good work.
peace, sunflower
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