Appropriately written, so that I wasn't offended and followed the story. If this is your first story like this you show promise if you can slip a little more emotional conversation--get some love going on!. It's interesting that you tried to write this in present tense. That does give your story an immediacy. But both the male and female could be expanded--or add something unexpected so your story isn;t so cliche. Good effort. A few grammar issues.
In response to your rhetorical question for the reader, I've come to believe extreme pain and extreme happiness we experience builds us into the character we are--to have the character we have. It's as if we're going down life's road, and we take a hard right or a hard left, so it jolts us oujt of complacency, and puts us where God somehow sees it better for us down the road.
I'm 56, and never had children, was never pregnant, and for many years I had this kind of conversation with God. I could say I was a good, maybe outstanding teacher for 12 years, but no kids for me. About age 35 I was diagnosed as bipolar, and now I u7nderstand why God din't need me to reproduce.
As you can tell, this was a very thought provoking article for me. I enjoyed the read very much. Thought I would mention one thing I noticed :
"Isn't that (just a wish) for divine abortion." --had to read the sentence twice to get the meaning right in my head.
My allowance was .25/week also! It took me a month to save up for a 45 rpm record. I identify with the character in your story.
One place you put dam when you meant damn. And your sister's idol needs an apostrophe in it, and actually in this case you need to capitalize Mom and Dad because you call them that for their names, and you always capitalize names.
When you say you knew your sister was old enough to chaperone, I would make the comparison bigger, like, at 15 she was practically an adult. Makes it a bit funnier, if it works from your viewpoint.
"They had sung their last song", would be the correct usage. "Heros" doesn't need the apostrophe because it's plural.
I was laughing nout loud at the image of you and your sister gathering all the neighbor's papers. You've done a good job of focusing on your storyline. And Peter was my favorite Monkee too, plus Mickey! And I had a good laugh at the ending too, and a great way to end it. I enjoyed your story very much. If you read it through, there's another part you could edit because it has two apostrophes around one word. This was a fun read. Thanks for sharing!
Write on!
a sunflower in Texas
ps. Did you know Michael's mother created Liquid Paper? I used to know where her house was in Dallas. That's where I live now: separate Monkees have done shows of late, but I still haven't seen then. Your story makes me remember fun times.
This beach poem had an unexpected ending for me. I'm assuming the character has lost her life at sea, but she accepts her home in the ocean with no particular remorse. Not what I expected with the beautiful imagery and excellent rhyme scheme.
Only one line did yoou not capitalize in your poem, "fearing for my life." Guess it could go either way, but these's something to be said for consistency.
Your use of the word "sear" through me. I would think you needed a word that's an antonym for sear, because sear has to do with burning, which doesn't really go along with water. I just felt like another word might work better there.
In the third stanza, either the leisurly stroll is supposed to be sarcasric? Maybe you could alter to make the road more rocky, slippery, wet, or dry, or stuck in mud, get the idea?
Otherwise I like this a lot. It echoes JT's Fire and Rain.
I understand and empathize with your word choice. The words aren't painful, but the images, mood, and tone are very serious.
I'm old now. When I was 19 and engaged, my boyfriend said, "I can't marry you; I'm gay."
He broke my heart then, and again about three years later when he killed himself.
Some people have such pain and confusion. All we can do is be there for them, because God gives each of us a mind of our own. Only God can trump that, I guess. I don't know, but, your friend would be happy you know that suicide is not ever an option. You'll be in my prayers tonight.
The mark down was just because I'm personally obssessive about putting punctuation in poetry. Just a personal preference. Your poem is very moving!
Boy! Do I ever see a tragic work of fiction in your future.
I admire the points you;ve made here, and they're all valid.
I particularly like your concept of a novel being the writer's own insane asylum, where he creates people, and objectives, and motivations out of the ordinary.
I have kind of a loaded question for you to ponder. If you want your reader to experience the aloneness and difficulty, and disparaging side of life, your going to need some exciting hook to get the reader into the story before you take away his reason to live. "Hamlet" is a tragedy of the greatest kind, in my opinion, but Hamlet has an objective, and lots of confrontations along his sad path. Just a thought to consider
You've given an superb personal response to the workshop exercise, and I wanted to thank you for your industrious participation.
Great responses to questions about your personality filter.
Knowing that you bring your own set of given's to a story, you can consider them a filter you see your story through, as well as treasure trove for listing characteristics that you know well and would be comfortable writing about.
Thanks for your honesty, and for participating, Patrice
This is a great response to the workshop's first exercise. You covered lots of points the reader expects the writer to include, and the journey readers' want to take when they pick up a novel to read. Good point you made about the difference between viewing media and the actual reading of a book!
The slight markdown is because I think you didn't use your spell check tool. I'm guilty myself, but if we use spell check either from composing in word, or using the WDC tool will help you cath errors that can be avoided. I'll send you an e-mail with further comments, but wanted to congratulate you of an excelent first effort out.
Nice easy rhyme scheme for a subject that often draws morbidly animated adjectives. You cover the subject of a bipolar life with more acceptance than attack. I like that.
Nice. Plus rhyme patterns add a serious degree of difficulty. Well done!
I had actually contemplated doing something like this before, but realized creating stories to go along with album songs would be a big job. Your judges will, indeed, have a great deal of reading to do.
The TOTAL WORD COUNT is not to exceed, 1,500, right? I guess this contest includes some math too, because depending on the number of songs on an album, some writers will have to be very word count conscious. That's makes for great criteria!
WOW! For only having a year in Canada, you really have a big vocabulary, and a good grasp of how poetry works. Your English is quite good!!!
I like your rhythm and rhyme in this poem. It's long like a sonnet or a ballad, and you have very dense meaning hidden within. I like this, though you may end up getting some suggestions from other people. I think this is a fantastic start.
I'm not good at guessing about people. I would guess you are a student, but I couldn't guess from where. You'll have to tell me.
If you look for a portfolio of a user named "Khalish" (real name MC Gupta) he has all sorts of poems, and even some in different languages. He's also has a contest of poetry regularly.
I'm so glad you came to join us from YahooAnswers! Read around some, and feel free to comment on the poems you read. You'll have lots of people interested in your work--real fast.
"Librarian I wished to be," and one other spot looked--or felt to me like it needed an article like the, or a. But I know you counted syllables, so how could I even bring that up?
I always find interest in your work. I felt a weaving of two tales--one more professional and stoic, and one light-hearted and creative.
If I could wish, I'd want to know what the hats looked like--as an additional means of expressing dreams, like a blue sad hat, or black beret from the '65 War. Just another aspect you could explore. You made too big of a leap from the title use of "hats," but then not including any reference in the poem, 'ya know? It is common knowledge about different hats being different jobs--but you never stated it.
I think this is up to your usual great level of expression. I only nit pick with suggestions to spur you to even greater placed
You have a most excellent way of weaving in and out of your story line here. I love it!
You use such good descriptive terms that I can feel the cool floor on my feet, and I can feel the astring and burn of soup stock burning all the way down.
I like the seas of kids toys--you phrased so well with all the details. You did a great job on this. Keep up the good work!
This is fantastic! You loaded up with great details--even the sounds in the pail. I love this. Great Job.
Write on!
I'm asking about entrance to the forum. I thought you could just click yourself right on in. I don't know so I posted a question, and someone will get back to us.
Wow! You did an absolutely fantastic job on the subject of "show don't tell". Not only is your information very complete, your bibliography is most impressive!
Your subject matter here is precisely what the book Description and Setting talks about in chapter 5. It is the book I've been using as a guide for my "Believable Fiction Workshop" which is thru the Ultimate Writer's Workshop with Big Mike 2humble2bragbut....
I plan to do a paraphrasing and summary sort of write up from the book for the May workshop prompt. What you've done here is so complete, that I'd like to have your permission to point my workshop students to your article. My write up won't be as extensive as this article, and I really feel that the workshop folks could greatly benefit from your work here.
Is it okay with you if I leave a link to this article with my May workshop info? You have so much to offer, and we'd like to share.
Peace,
ps. I found your article through a Google search. Your keywords are working!
pps. I plan to send you a couple of poems for your contest before the deadline. I appreciate the invitation
Looks like you were having fun. Hope you have a good Easter. You're getting some "meat" in your port already. I'll cruise by again later. Keep smilin' and keep writing. Gather and sew GPs like seeds, and it's spring pollen
I like the concept you've got going here. I didn't read what I was expecting--which is my bad, I guess. You left me wanting more.
I was expecting more rhyme. Also, after I finished reading the first stanza and didn't see a period, I had the feeling this might have been more about blowing off steam instead of artistic expression. Could you, would you, edit this to include some sounds that irritate you. It would be a more colourful poem that way.
I was expecting words of onomatopoeia. I think I spelled it wrong. Anyhow, it's all those sound words like buzz, splat, pow, ding, crack . . . .
We're covering that literary bit of creativity in this month's workshop on "Believable Fiction." Maybe you'd like to stop by last month's info and prompt, and see if you might be interested in joining for a once a month activity.
Hey Dude I really like this. It's not only deep in feeling, it's got a great rhyme and rhythm to be a lyric for a song. Do you have a melody for it? Have you got it on audio? I can post audio--as I just super-upgraded--but I don't have anything of my own to post yet.
May I post it, if you have it recorded? At any rate, I dig it! Groovy expression of a very familiar situation. Like you said, "Why do we do this to ourselves . . . . "
You have lots of items in your port. I thought you were a newbie when I first clicked on your home port page! You have a lot of items hidden in the cyberspaces of your portfolio, and I look forward to reading more.
Peace, a sunflower in Texas
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