|Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
What I like: this is a creative story with interesting characters.
Opening: or me, the first part (italicized), is much too long. A couple paragraphs would work well, then move to the main part of the story.
Style and Voice: easy reading style.
Scene/Setting: this is the strength of the story. The descriptive writing brings the characters and scenes to life.
Characters: engaging characters.
Dialogue: good use of dialogue to advance the story.
Area(s) for improvement: I have some suggestions. notes ▼