Sacramento, our – Sacramento; our

closely I - closely, I

saw that they – delete “that”

war…probably – war … probably

leaves and – leaves, and

hand and - hand, and

me he - me, he

out, you - out; you

the ”Lost Battalion? - the Lost Battalion?”

I would suggest to use the dash sparingly.

houses- hopefully - houses – hopefully – same for the other dashes in the paragraph.

job, people – job; people

something and – something, and

package, and – no comma

flown on were - flown were

tree, and – no comma

tea, or – no comma

bag. Closed - bag, closed

me and - me, and

all follow - all followed

And in – leave space between paragraphs.

song..."sugar - song... "sugar

time" I - time." I

to remove the sugar - the removal of the sugar

happy we – happy, we

fruits and – fruits, and

hard and - hard, and

red was - red, was

husband and – husband, and

died, in fact, - died; in fact,

favorite and - favorite, and

on face – on her face

guise.Elisha – guise. Elisha

mole, that – no comma

ticking and – ticking, and

acknowledgement he – acknowledgement, he

face, she – face; she

in, had – no comma

"Ellie honey – leave space between paragraphs.

late", shouted – late," shouted

honey?", continued - honey?" continued

"No, I didn't.", said - "No, I didn't," said – also with a change of speaker, there is a new paragraph.

husband and - husband, and

her and - her, and

alright?", said - alright?" said

"Oh yes, - new paragraph

wonderful?", mustered – no comma

to office, - to the office,

Elisha!", beamed - Elisha!" Beamed

"Morning Kellie, - new paragraph

huh", replied – huh," replied

again, it – again; it

would be her - would her

for certainty - for certain

know whats - know what's

that", announced – that," announced

“Well…yeah. - “Well … yeah.

old he - old, he

door she - door, she

closet and - closet, and

answer it, and – no comma

for feral - for a feral

on.''Move - on. ''Move

wanted burned - wanted the burned

but very - but was very

him." - him.

like." I – like," I

right? - right?”

eyes in - eyes on

"ok, boss," - "Ok, boss,"

whiskey," - whiskey."

"doesn't matter," and - "Doesn't matter." And

it n one - it in one

fine, he – fine; he

time, "you – time. "You

too", I – too." I

Goose", and - Goose." And

some where - somewhere

backroom" - backroom."

now, it's – now; it's

Goose," He – Goose." He

comfortable, he - comfortable; he

space connecting – space, connecting

Khan and - Khan, and

century, there’s – century; there’s

tendrils-- their - tendrils--their

her, their - her; their

relieved that he – delete “that”

him, her – him; her

her, she – her; she

tendrils, she – tendrils; she

"Aloli," he – I would suggest italics for internal speech.

join, now – join; now

bin I - bin, I

death then - death, then

away I – away, I

know that the - delete “that”

van I - van, I

me and - me, and

mine I - mine, I

one.” inserted - one,” inserted

Limoge was - Limoge, was

bed summoned - bed, summoned

era there – era, there

time Alfred - time, Alfred

deputy Joanna - deputy, Joanna

"Hi Joanna! - leave space between paragraphs

Alfred,..... Sir" – Alfred . . . Sir."

coordinates............. No – coordinates. . . . No

yet but - yet, but

"............Identification - ". . . Identification

Sir!" She - Sir!" she

lose they - lose, they

arrived and - arrived, and

cruiser." she – cruiser," she

continued, " Estimated - continued, "estimated

please Joanna. - please, Joanna.

off it - off, it

Cluster and - Cluster, and

returned and - returned, and

across and - across, and

helpful." Alfred said, "Now - helpful," Alfred said, "now

I think this story with illustrations would be really great. Lots of fun here.

"Yes, sir, - leave a space between the paragraphs of dialogue.

this, this – this; this

good, and – no comma

nice, they are, too, - nice they are too,

back and - back, and

dunes observing - dunes, observing

torpedo,“ - torpedo,”

fired so - fired, so

decks who - decks, who

watch probably - watch, probably

rudder the - rudder, the

bullets from - bullets, from

fire ricocheting - fire, ricocheting

Next we - Next, we

Thereupon we - Thereupon, we

water and - water, and

turn so – turn, so

Meanwhile the - Meanwhile, the

Presently the – Presently, the

remains trying – remains, trying

he's ever - he'd ever

humans and - humans, and

credit shouldn't – credit, shouldn't

been and – been, and

limit and – limit, and

whispered, "If - whispered, "if

do they - do, they

children and – children, and

to he who - to him who

terror and she begin – terror, and she began

mounting and – mounting, and

encountered and – encountered, and

it?” The - it?” the

is but - is, but

If you - “If you

side you - side, you

mirror but – mirror, but

them they – them, they

described and – described, and

feed and - feed, and

clean and in orderly - clean and orderly

soldiers; many – soldiers, many

who aligned - who were aligned

them and – them, and

creatures?” He - creatures?” he

stated.” - stated.

armed but – armed, but

asked? - asked – I would suggest “said.”

killed,” Major - killed.” Major

line, and - no comma

green but - green, but

leader and – leader, and

“Ned,” Captain - “Ned.” Captain

“Doc,” he - “Doc.” He

hostile and – hostile, and

poor but - poor, but

closely you – closely, you

bank and as - bank, and, as

bladder he - bladder, he

together and – together, and

wrong but - wrong, but

care and - care, and

music, we - music; we

Suddenly I - Suddenly, I

heads and - heads, and

side trying - side, trying

suddenly the – suddenly, the

gone!" He - gone!" he

books, and – no comma

said they – said, they

urgency and - urgency, and

phone but suddenly this – phone, but suddenly, this

this...this - this … this

folded, and the - folded, the

carpet, soft – carpet, and soft – items in a series

shelving they - shelving, they

looking, that's - looking; that's

crackers, I - crackers; I

suddely – suddenly

chores.Tell – chores. Tell

others voice - other's voice

wont be - won't be

knees searching. - knees, searching.

lists – lists.

her but - her, but

help it – help, it

"searcher" and – "searcher", and

proceedings and – proceedings, and

side and - side, and

carer rushed - carer, rushed

be…He – be… He

loving,… He – loving.… He

except that they - delete “that”

like…Beware…Beware - like… Beware… Beware

wisps." The – wisps," the

KNOW, were – no comma

headstone, “Not – headstone. “Not

frowned. Tugging – frowned, tugging

rumpled…see? - rumpled … see?

too.“ She - too.” She

change, “Is - change. “Is

drun—“ She - drun—” She

the slowly - they slowly

erupted and – erupted, and

earth and – earth, and

late he – late, he

“No,” she - “No.” She

Thankfully there – Thankfully, there

Quickly Victor – Quickly, Victor

reload and - reload, and

Maddie and – Maddie, and

There is a mixture of past and present tense; I suggest to pick a tense and stay with it.

storm, he - storm; he

Athena and – Athena, and

sure, no – no comma

Suddenly the - Suddenly, the

beats and - beats, and

written stanza - written a stanza

painted and no sculpture – painted, and no sculptor

eye he - eye, he

wings and – wings, and

burses and - bruises and

exhausted he – exhausted, he

sides. Looking - sides, looking

attack, the - attack. The

ruminants - remnants

months, after that the – months; after that, the

Pegasus main - Pegasus mane

ear. “You - ear. “you

together, whenever - together; whenever

Suddenly she – Suddenly, she

hoping that Valerie – delete “that”

face Scott - face of Scott

said, stepped - said, stepping

Monica and – Monica, and

and distant - and distance

condition, and – no comma

smiled, “Not – no comma

figured that climbing - delete “that”

climbs, today’s - climbs; today’s

cliffs, and – no comma

climbing, and – no comma

moments, they – moments; they

remember the – remember, the

limb and - limb, and

'This can't – quote mark is not needed. The italics as well as the tag line make it clear.

move, and – no comma

location, and – no comma

nearby, and - no comma

Thankfully he - Thankfully, he

Suddenly the - Suddenly, the

animal, and - no comma

away, and – no comma

life, she - life; she

I suggest to leave a space between paragraphs for easier reading.

country. They – this moves up a line

road and - road, and

at church – move up to the previous line

for canning. - move up a line

chemicals, the - chemicals; the

to the survival – move up a line

do in todays' time. - move up to next line – today's time

mothers' - mother's

weather got – move up a line

cold and - cold, and

changed except - changed, except

plow that – move up a line

water, an – water and an

under lot's - under lots

now empty, - now it was empty,

farm and - farm, and

they finally – move up a line

to give – move up a line

farm when - farm, when

day we - day, we

ONLY IN - move up a line.

station and – station, and

move that Cathleen – delete “that”

cooperated.” he - cooperated.” He

morning and – morning, and

again…..” He - again. . . .” He

unmistakeably - unmistakably

broke in into - broke into

style.” he - style.” He

youth she’d - youth, she’d

system; overriding - system, overriding

room; at – room, at

him; waiting – him, waiting

a “No” to - a 'No' to

coffee.” he - coffee,” he

So what – So, what

hit.” Fitz - hit,” Fitz

relax, “Excellent, - relax. “Excellent,

off, “The - off, “the

mean?” confusion - mean?” Confusion

name…. If - name… if

One suggestion I have is to get a book on creative writing and grammar. The internet also has useful information. This is one site:
http://laquill.blogspot.com/2010/12/writing-novel-...

I got out of the - I left the

dazed, I - dazed; I

heart I - heart I – heart, I

sleep, when – sleep. When – I would suggest “When” is the start of as new paragraph because there is a change of scene/setting.

up I woke up at - up, I awakened at – change up vocabulary to avoid repetition.

red and - red, and

peacefully I danced - peacefully danced

shirt, his - shirt; his

snow and - snow, and

He stared – make this a new paragraph.

she as apparently - She was apparently – make this a new paragraph as there is a change of speaker in the dialogue.

meadow, with disappointing - meadow; with a disappointing

meadow, I'll - meadow; I'll

Then the man - new paragraph

want, I - want; I

Wait did - new paragraph

dream than - dream then

so real. - so real?

hearing,"How - hearing. "How - “How – is the start of a new paragraph.

meadow I - meadow? I

here I am quiet - here. I am quite

"ummm." by - "Ummm." By – new paragraph

barley audible - barely audible

voice but I - voice, but I

her so her perused the - her as he pursued the

subject,"If - subject."If - “If - is the start of a new paragraph.

came then - came, then

"I am dancing – new paragraph – change of speaker

and i am - and I am

one want, - this line needs to move up to follow “her”

She breathed – this sentence can be deleted; it is the same in essence as the one before it.

breath she - breath, she

took within - took in

crisp, and – no comma

air painful - air and painful

thoughts, an - thoughts; an

anxiousness and - anxiousness, and

alone, no, - alone; no,

There was - There were

men she – men, she

parents ultimate - parents' ultimate

vain, she – vain; she

her, and – no comma

horse and it scalped - horse, and it grazed -

ground the – ground, the

horse threw - horse through

ears and – ears, and

waist and – waist, and

thud and – thud, and

she laid - she lay

neck and – neck, and

again and – again, and

The man – this line follows the dialogue – the man.

was laying. - was lying.

worse and – worse, and

The girl – this line is on the same line as the dialogue – the girl

to be barely touch - to barely touch / or - to be barely touching

the men – the horses

stallion she – stallion, she

gunshot was shot at - gunshot was at

her and - her, and

fear and – fear, and

distant and – distant, and

flying threw - flying through

backwards and – backwards, and

rope and – rope, and

horses hoof - horses' hoof

flew, there – flew; there

Angela said – moves up to dialogue line – men,” Angela said

hands, the - hands; the

but, she – no comma

pistol firing – moves up to previous line

pierced threw her - pierced her

closed and - closed, and

her crunching - her were crunching

His voice – move to the line of dialogue – granted,” his voice

chillingly and - chillingly, and

didn't move - move up a line

heard and – heard, and

stallion but – stallion, but

The leader – move to the dialogue line. - here,” the leader

men and – men, and

murmurs at – move up a line

orders and - orders, and

steed laid - steed lay

alive of - alive with

body but – body, but

night and she laid – night, and she lay

rider and - rider, and

Angela weakly – move to the dialogue line. - you,” Angela weakly

body and - body, and

Though, the – no comma

injured he - injured, he

been threw - been through

crest her - crest, her

it threw - it through

together and - together, and

painting and - painting, and

which they – move up to next line

endured threw - endured through