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2,006 Public Reviews Given
2,025 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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326
326
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Genipher

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is the first of your Orange Creme reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " 

My first thoughts: I found myself instantly hooked on this story. The tale of the strange creatures living in the forest intrigued me. And when your main character, the young Herlee, decides she (or maybe he, I'm not sure) will go alone to find the creature, I had to read until the end. Great hook.

Plot: I'm not sure when this is set, but I don't think that really matters. It's in a fantasy world. The mention of "several viral bombs" having exploded a few years ago adds intrigue to this story. So, this story sees Herlee travel through the forest to the cabin near the cornfield where the creature is believed to live. I held my breath as she stepped into the cabin, then slowly turned around. And the creature? A human. This, I thought, is a great twist! I loved it. I loved how Herlee says, "'It's true, then,' I whispered. 'Your kind does exist!'" Brilliant! As I read on, however, I discovered that this wasn't the big twist. "I reached up self-consciously with one free hand. The snakes that looped over my scalp hissed at my touch." These sentences are fabulous! I love how you casually drop them into the narrative as though they are perfectly normal. It really made me smile.

Characters: Herlee is really appealing and she carries the narrative well. I may have missed it, but I don't think we know for sure whether she is female or male. I think she's female because of the way she feels she has something to prove, and also the way the other tribe members are shocked she will go to find the creature on her own. Either way, I really like the character. Her bravery is a great quality. I also really like the human at the end. He is unafraid of this Medusa character. I can see romance in the cards for these two.

Grammar: Just a couple of points ... "'But if it doesn't cooperate...' the knife glinted under the sun ..." It should be a capital T in the. Also, "'Right away,' I glanced at the sky, noting how the sun stood directly overhead." It should be a period after "Right away."

What I liked: I love your descriptive narrative. In particular, the way you describe the woods and how Herlee comes to a cornfield and a bit of a clearing. There is something about that cornfield description that I love. I could see it clearly. The cabin, also. You do a great job of putting the reader into the story. I also love the double twist at the end. It goes to show we never really know who people are.

I loved this story. I felt I was walking alongside Herlee. Your character is a great narrator. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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327
Review of 7-11  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi The StoryMistress

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

*StarV* I'm going through WDC's birthday celebrations and sending out a few reviews of activities. I wanted to send you a review for this item because I think it's brilliant. Before I get into the content, I love the visuals. The banner you have created is vibrant and eye-catching. It draws people into the activity to take a closer look.

*StarV* This is such a generous activity. I love how simple the idea is: throughout WDC's 18th birthday week, eighteen reviewers will be randomly chosen each day to receive 10,000GPs. It's simple, but it's also a great way of encouraging people to write more reviews. And, at the moment, there is so much more to review. I feel spoiled for choice. I want to review everything. This activity, though, it shows that you and The StoryMaster care about your members. You understand that reviews are at the heart of this community, and to show your recognition in this way is really cool.

*Starv* I was one of the lucky people who received one of the prizes a couple of days ago, and the buzz it gave me was huge. I'm not generally a lucky person when it comes to raffles and prize draws, so this was a lovely surprise. And, it did make me feel as though my efforts are appreciated.

So, this review comes with a thank you, for all you do for your members. This activity is a wonderful gift to us.

Choconut

New sig. for WDC Power Reviewers.
328
328
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Pat ~ Rejoice always!

This review is affiliated with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

*StarV* I wanted to send you a review for this as I've just placed a couple more bids, and I realised I'm in love with this auction. Before I even get into the content, the visuals are fantastic. I love the pastel-colour balloons that shimmer at the top of each package. The colour scheme, in general, is very soothing and very appealing to the eye. Your images fit perfectly, too.

*Starv* This auction is clever and unique. Yes, there are the auction packages we can bid on and hope to win, as with any auction. But, you have added into the mix one guess for every bid as to the ice cream flavour of the day. Each day, the winning flavour is drawn by random and whoever guesses that flavour goes into the hat for a merit badge at the end of the auction. So, there's a whole sub-game going on. Personally, I love this game.

*StarV* You have some great packages on offer here. A lot of people have donated, and there is a wonderful mix of different prizes. I'm sure there is something to tempt everyone. Indeed, you have had a lot of bids, and you look set to raise a lot of funds. I love that you reward the package donors by placing their names in the draw for your exclusive WdC Ice Cream Social Merit Madge (which is really pretty, by the way).

*Starv* The groups you have chosen to support through the auction are great causes. They are all focused on supporting and helping the members of WDC. Each group contributes greatly to this website.

What more can I say? I love this activity. I hope you raise a ton of funds for the groups you support. I hope you continue to serve ice cream every September for many years to come!

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .
329
329
Review of Ghostly Campfire  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi NanoWriMo2018 Into the Earth

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. I am reviewing this as one of my challenges in "Invalid Item" .

My first thoughts: I love a good ghost story, and this one did not disappoint. I love the suspense of the story, and whether or not something will happen to the group around the campfire.

Plot: A ghost story told around a campfire. But, the question is, is it a true story? I love the concept of Patrick's story. He tells it well, and it's different to other stories I've read. The twist at the end of fabulous! I loved that. We all thought it was Juliana making the Crazy Cat Lady sounds in the woods, but then we see she is stood next to Patrick! Nice twist! I loved the ending!

Grammar: I have a few grammar suggestions, which I'll put in a dropnote. I haven't included all the points I noticed, but I'm happy to give you more details if you want. (I appreciate you wrote this a long time ago, so if irrelevant, please ignore them.)

Grammar Suggestions ▼

What I liked: I loved the originality of this story. I loved the twist at the end. I loved the story itself. I am intrigued by this cat lady, and I'd love to know more about her story. She's an interesting character.

Suggestions: I thought the order of the story was a little odd. You mention the Cat Girl seeing the boys in her house and scratching at their clothing, and then the boys have a look around. Surely, they would have run away at that point. They wouldn't stay for a snoop.

I really enjoyed reading this story. I'm glad I stopped by your port for this challenge. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


New sig. for WDC Power Reviewers.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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330
Review of Christmas Trivia  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Fictiøn Ðiva the Wørd Weava

*Vine2**Burstp* An *Burstb**Vine1*
August
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I spotted this on the Power raid list, and I couldn't resist taking a look. Unfortunately, I didn't realise I've already taken this quiz (my fault, I know it tells me that I have at the start of the quiz) and I went through answering again. I would love to know the right answers.

*Starv* You have a fantastic mix of questions in here. There is something for everyone. Christmas carols, films, traditions, history, general Christmas knowledge; something for everyone. I really enjoyed going through and answering the questions again. It's made me feel all Christmassey, even though it's only August. Maybe I'll watch Scrooge later today.

*Starv* You have included some great, festive emojis in the quiz header, and I like the use of red and green writing. However, have you considered using a picture as well? Like, a Christmas Tree or Father Christmas? That would make it really eye-catching.

*Starv* One other suggestion, and this may be purely my own personal taste, forty-seven seems like an odd number for questions. I would add three more to make fifty. It just seems to make more sense to me.

I love this quiz. It's one of the most comprehensive and interesting quizzes I've seen here. You clearly put a lot of time and thought into it. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

Raid Image on Share
331
331
Review of First drum set  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kåre Enga in Udon Thani

*Vine2**Burstp* An *Burstb**Vine1*
August
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*



Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* This poem is fantastic! It's funny, entertaining, and so easy to picture. From an adult's point of view, it's wonderful. From a child's point of view, it works equally well. I had a big smile on my face as I read it.

*Starv* Your use of sounds to tell the story really appeals to me, and I know it will appeal to your target audience of children. "Rat-tat-tat and a boom-boom-boom / crash-crash-crash cacophonous tunes." It puts your reader right into the story. I could hear the drum sounds. When reading this to children, they will love that part.

*Starv* Your use of repetition works really well, also. Again, it gives the poem a rhythmic feeling. It's really clever how you've done that, and I love you placement as well. It sets it apart a little, and I like that. The rhyming at the ends of the lines is another great way to make the poem flow beautifully.

I really love this poem. I'm sure your friend must have thought it wonderful. Does Gary III still play the drums? I love the mention of earplugs, by the way. That really made me chuckle. Great work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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332
Review of Time is Ticking  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi paileykristine

*Vine2**Burstp* An *Burstb**Vine1*
August
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Review Raid
*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* This poem is a story of a relationship that didn't last and the pain it caused. I love the image of the ticking getting louder and louder, but because you were in love you didn't notice your time running out.

*Starv* In this poem, you speak of love as though it is passionate and violent in its intensity. That's exactly how it is. I really like this metaphor. I also love how you write, "The door caved in, / and our time ran out." This makes me think that a relationship can only take so much "pounding," so many arguments and ill-feeling. Eventually, it will have to collapse.

*Starv* My favourite verse is the last one. You write about colliding the two of your universes together to make one, happy relationship (that, actually, isn't that happy). Even though the idea of universes colliding to make one is romantic, it's still violent and combative. And it can never last.

*StarV* My only suggestion is to take out the first line: "Why?" It isn't necessary to include this, as you repeat the word in the next line anyway. And the next line is a better hook into the poem.

I enjoyed this poem. I think you have some nice imagery there. Great work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
333
333
for entry "Dead Soldiers" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the last of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: For your second chapter, you take us into the life of Colonel Sam Remy. I have to say, I'm intrigued as to how all the characters fit together. Are they all parts of Merci's visions? Or are they connected in some other way? It's really very interesting.

In this chapter, we meet the old soldier who has been living in a bit of a drunken haze recently. He has a prosthesis and appears to not be active in the armed forces any more. I think he must have been a SEAL because, in his memories, he revisits a time when his job was assassination. Always of evil people. The calling card with a picture of the Grim Reaper and the words, "I love my job" made me wonder if he really was military in that particular kill. Would they leave calling cards? Maybe, he was hired for a special job. Which brings us back to the present. Remy has a special phone that only the Special Operations Commander, General Kohl, has. It rings at the end of this chapter, and Kohl tells Remy he is on his way to see him. What job does he have for him? This is really exciting.

Characterization: I love how you show that Remy is well-respected and has done well in his career. You show this by the handmade Italian chair whose, " ... smooth leather fit Sam's form like a baseball in a well-used glove." That sounds expensive. Also, he is smoking a Stogie that was a gift from Fidel Castro. Other luxuries are shown surrounding him, like the crystal glass from which he drinks his Johnnie Walker, the solid Egyptian ebony desk, and his new shirt. All these give the impression of someone of an important and high station in life. However, juxtapose this with this description, "Half drunk, and past midnight, he knew the memories would come, his last mission replayed like so many times before. He let them take over with a long, submissive sigh." I think that's really clever as it shows how battle-worn he is; how old he is. It makes for a great character. I also love your description of General Kohl: " The return voice was both commanding and unmistakable—-a forceful rasp that had etched itself like acid into Sam's subconscious at its first hearing." I love that acid hiss.

Setting: You show the setting for this chapter by the items I mentioned above. You show it by the old framed honours Remy has accrued and the empty Budweiser bottles overflowing the trashcan. It all sets the scene of someone who has very much seen their best days. Yet, General Kohl has made that contact. Very intriguing.

Suggestions I just have one suggestion. These words seem like they should be internal thoughts: "Okay, shake it off. Move on." I would italicise them.

Final Thoughts: Once again, I really enjoyed reading your chapter. All of the ones I've read have brought different sets of questions for me, and I love how you do that. I'm intrigued to know how everything fits together. Mostly, though, I just love your writing. It's descriptive, clever, fascinating. It's great. I'm so glad Dragon is hiding donated these four reviews.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
334
334
for entry "Merci" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is your third Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: I wanted to continue reviewing this novel because the prologue really interested me. In this first chapter, we are introduced to Merci. Wow. What a character! You hooked me from that fabulous opening paragraph where we see Merci trying to sleep but being disturbed by unwanted images. This description from that paragraph is fantastic: " ... flashes of memory in disconnected bits, haunting voices echoing like loons calling in a morning mist." It creates the most mesmerising atmosphere, and there's no way your readers won't continue to read. I became entranced by Merci.

Characterization: Merci and Manny, her cat. There is so much intrigue surrounding Merci's seizures (if that is what they are). The memories/visions she sees are fascinating, especially in this latest "event." The old woman who speaks with a soft, kindly voice is so intriguing. She says, "'My time is ending. Your time has arrived. I will show you the way, but you must listen. I await you. There will be others'" I'm so excited to learn what she means by this. Does it mean there are others who experience the same memories as Merci? (By the way, you missed the period at the end of the lady's speech.) I love this description of Merci's first memory where she is three years old and there is a storm (or, at least, some kind of electrical activity taking place) as the three people in white coats stand over her: "The electrical outlet next to her bed popped in a shower of sparks, puffing curls of acrid smoke." I love how you use all five senses in your description. It's a great way of pulling your reader so far inside your story they really feel they are there.

Flow of the Chapter/ Story: The chapter flows beautifully. It's logical. We start with Merci and her nightmares/troubling thoughts, showing us how much an important part of her this is. Then we see her have a seizure, and everything else that ensues is really frightening for her. The end of the chapter—that last line—is perfect: "I am on the island." This is written in Merci's handwriting, although she has no recollection of it. Chilling!

Grammar I only have one thing to mention in regard to this. I think I may have mentioned it in my last review? Where you show Merci's internal thought, you phrase it as though she's thinking about a third person; not herself. "Why hadn't Roger called? Why didn't he warn her?" These are Merci's thoughts, so she would think, "Why didn't Roger call? Why didn't he warn me?"

Setting: Once again, your fantastic description puts the reader inside the story. This description of her chair is an example of what I mean: "An overstuffed leather recliner welcomed her with a sigh, its cool cowhide sending a rush of goose-pimples over her bare skin." That's a great description. I could feel the cowhide and how comfortable the chair felt. These little details are scattered throughout the narrative, and that's what makes this so special. There are so many places I want to quote, but then this would end up being a review that just tells the story back to you.

Content of the Chapter: Again: excellent. It is exciting and mysterious and creepy. Merci is beautifully written. I love the dragon her father had an old Chinese ink artist put on her bellybutton when she was nine. That's intriguing. I wonder what will come of that.

Final Thoughts: I'm loving this novel. Your writing is beautiful, and your descriptions are some of the best I've read. I'm completely mesmerised by Merci. She is a great character. I think my last review will be the next chapter of this novel, if you don't mind.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

New sig. for WDC Power Reviewers.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
335
335
for entry "Prologue" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the second of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: I decided to review some of your 'Threads in the Tapestry' novel because the introduction at the start of it sounds really interesting. After reading the Prologue, I think my initial assessment was spot on. In this section, you take the reader back in time to 1778, when a ship crashed upon the shores of a strange island. One survivor, Mikhail, manages to climb ashore, but there is some kind of otherworldly barrier preventing him from climbing further ashore. While stranded and almost dying, he sees a beautiful girl, but she is behind the barrier. However, at the end of the prologue, Mikhail feels warm hands taking him to safety.

It's a great hook. Your readers will want to know who the girl (and her father) is. They will want to know is Mikhail safe? Does he fall in love with the girl? And how does all of this tie in with your introduction? Giving us so many questions is a great way to start your novel.

Characterization: Mikhail is the main character we meet in the prologue. We see him as physically weakened from surviving the shipwreck, but he has a spirit which carries him to safety. I love how he is able to appreciate the beautiful girl and to determine the man with her must be her father. This shows he still has his wits about him.

Grammatical Errors: I spotted a few points:

"Steep ocean rollers, there crests a chaos of windblown white-caps, assaulted the Albatross." It should be their.
"In a lucid moment, he watched a patch of grass oddly unaffected by the wind and plums of frigid salt spray." I'm not sure about this. I checked the word plums and I can see a plum line was used by sailors to check the depth. However, "plums of frigid salt spray," doesn't seem to make sense. If I'm missing something, and it is a nautical phrase, then please ignore this comment.
There are a couple of places where you show internal thoughts but start by saying, for example, "Did an invisible barrier surround this serene environment?" As Mikhail is thinking this, he would think, "Does an invisible barrier ..."
The only other thing I would say is to watch how many sentences you start by telling Mikhail (for example) did this or did that. It stood out to me that seven of your eighteen paragraphs began with the word 'Mikhail.' By doing this, you enter into storytelling mode, rather than immersing us in the story and making us a part of it. That's not to say I didn't feel a part of it, because I did. When you write descriptively, it's impossible to not be completely lost in your words. But, I'm just saying this stood out a little to me.

Setting: The setting is wonderful! I love how aural the ship breaking up is. The roar of the waves, splitting of the wood. I love this line: "The sound of wooden beams twisting and snapping with a terrible crunch began to overpower the crashing surf." Also, "Another wave pushed her shoreward again with a mighty lurch, breaking her backbone, splintering her masts." I can hear how loud it must have been. That makes a huge impression in your writing. It adds to the sense of danger and fear. The island, in contrast, seems peaceful and serene. The beautiful girl adds to this peace that Mikhail feels. Even when he's unsure whether or not he is dying, he feels a certain serenity about it.

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed this prologue. I'm intrigued to see where Chapter 1 will begin and where it will take me. Great work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
336
336
Review of A Matter of Faith  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is your second Whisky Liqueur review.

My first thoughts: When I saw you had one my auction package, I expected I would review a couple of poems. But, as it turns out, I love your prose equally as much as your poetry. This story is wonderful. It's clever, well thought-out, precise, and beautifully written. I absolutely love it.

Plot: A mathematician and scientist is having a crisis of faith. He needs proof that Jesus lived. As a scientist, he has physical proof, and he needs this for his religious faith, also. So, when his colleague discovers a black hole passing close to earth that will give the brief opportunity for time travel, Ted asks to go to The Mount of Olives. Nice choice. I would have wasted the opportunity on something like seeing Bill Haley first bring rock'n'roll to the UK.

I found the end of this story really moving. Faced with Jesus and his disciples, Ted wants to warn Jesus of the danger to come. He wants to save him. I love the last part, as Jesus looks at Ted with sadness, knowing full well what is to come. "Just before the darkness consumed Ted, he saw His lips move in silent response. 'I know, brother. I know.'" This genuinely moved me.

Characters: The beginning of this story is fab. I love how Ted is regarding himself in the mirror, questioning everything he stands for and has believed in. "He could see the ghostly doubts that plagued his mind hovering behind his eyes." is a great description. I love the whole mad scientist vibe I got from Rahsid. Although, his plan worked, and Ted travelled back in time.

What I liked: I loved the whole story. The end ... ahh. Wonderful. This description is one of my favourites: "He felt the pull of time, dragging him back." I like the visual that creates of a person being dragged through time. I love how Jesus is instantly recognisable. I love how calm Jesus is and how filled with peace, even though he knows he must die. It's really nicely written, Ken.

I enjoyed this story a lot. I think it's a great concept and very well executed. The characters are likeable and believable, and even the time travel seems completely plausible to me. It's fab. I absolutely loved it!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


New sig. for WDC Power Reviewers.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
337
337
Review of Fitting In  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is the first of your Whisky Liqueur reviews.

My first thoughts: I really enjoyed this short story. The twist at the end was fab. I love how you lure the reader into thinking this is a story about a teenage girl moving from New York to somewhere more southern, and that is why she finds it hard to fit in. But it's not that story at all. It's about a transgender girl trying to fit into a new school. I love your subtlety in writing this. It shows that, actually, it's a normal situation. By not calling massive attention to Samantha's situation, you make it more normal. I really like that.

Plot: A teenage girl, Samantha, has moved from New York to a school in North Carolina. On her first day of school, she finds that it's not just the accents that are different from her old school. She is clearly intelligent and doing well in school, as you show that she is already up to speed with the material her new class is studying.

I love how you wait until near the end of the story to show us that Samantha is transgender. When she enters the girls' bathroom, they are so mean to her. "'Hey, aren’t you that guy who’s trying to pass as a girl? You don’t belong here,' the blonde one spat." Your use of the word spat is perfect here. It shows the venom with which the girl speaks. I'm not sure whether Samantha was bullied in her old school, but I think she's going to have a hard time in this one. I was a little unsure as to why her parents moved her. She seemed to have fond thoughts of her old school. I wondered if it was because her parents were embarrassed and wanted to go somewhere no one knew them. Or, maybe, they thought it would be too hard for Samantha in her old school, without actually asking her. It seemed like a bit of an odd move, is all I'm saying.

Characters: As I first read through, I thought Samantha seemed poised and self-assured. She actually seemed a little like she looked down on the other people and their southern accents. It wasn't until the end that I realised just how hard it must have been for her. This line is heartbreaking for her: "'You better get out right now, you damn queer,' a voice yelled. 'I’m calling security!'" It's so sad.

What I liked: "In spite of the crowded hallway, she found herself alone, as though she was suddenly in the eye of a tornado." This is really poignant. It describes really well how it must feel to be completely alone, yet in the middle of so many. I love your description of the "maelstrom of kids flooding the hallway." That would be intimidating for anyone who is new or different, I imagine. The end picture you leave us with, of Samantha crying and wondering why her parents made her move to North Carolina, is really sad. I would like to know that answer to that question, too. This description of the teacher is fab: "'Samantha,' Mrs. Watson called, a frown creasing her face like she had eaten something bad." Even the teachers are prejudiced. There's no hope for the children when those in charge are like that.

Suggestions: One typo (I think). "She shoved by the girls, entering a stall, and locking the door behind her." I think it should be locked. I also feel like this isn't the whole story for Samantha. I would like to have read more about her and the difficulties she has, but the way she triumphs in the end. I would love to read more of her story.

This is a great story. It highlights one of the bigger issues for young people today. It's beautifully written. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Serendipity

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is part of "Invalid Item" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love the positivity of this poem! That's the most important thing I take away from it. It's about loving yourself and looking after yourself, and that's such an important message. In the beginning, I thought the narrator was speaking to a friend, but when I realised the narrator was your self-esteem, I thought, how brilliant!

Voice/Tone: The narrator's voice is one of love and acceptance. It feels very protective. The whole poem feels soothing and calming. Near the beginning, you say: "Remember you wrere surrounded by foes and you felt so trapped ..." It sounds as though the person has maybe been bullied, and her self-esteem has been her saviour. (You have a typo with wrere—it should be were.)

Mechanics: The poem is not any specific form, but there is an aabbcc, etc. rhyme scheme. I love the rhymes. They help to move the poem along at a great pace, and they make it flow really nicely. All of your rhymes work to keep the rhythm working, for most of the poem. There are a couple of places where the rhythm is a little off. Firstly, this line: "Telling you Never ever there's ever a bruise or guilt that ever’s so bad." There are too many syllables in this line. I would take out ever's to make it read more smoothly. Also, "Never in doom or in defeat to you shall I ever deem ..." Again, there are too many syllables. I'm not entirely sure what this line means. If I were you, I would try to rewrite it.

My Favourite Part: I love your last line: "Unconditionally is my regard, Forever till eternity, Yours Truly - SELF ESTEEM :)" This is repeated from earlier in the poem. It reinforces the strength of your self-esteem. I also love this line: "I rushed to you, heeding noone, to hold you before you were sapped."

Suggestions: In general there are too many never and evers. Because they are used so much, they kind of get in the way of what you're trying to say. They almost make parts of the poem a tongue twister, which it needn't be. I would see if you can take out most of them if I were you.

I really like this poem. I think it's well written and well thought out. I like the sentiment, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Blue Apple  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Maolla

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This review is part of "Invalid Item" .

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I was intrigued by your title and brief description. You say this is "just a weird story about apples," but it's actually so much more than that. It's about perspective and belief, and I think it's a really clever story. Also, you say you are not a native English speaker, but, again, I think you are putting yourself down. Your writing is fluid and nicely done.

Plot: A boy finds a blue apple. He tries to show everyone he knows his astonishing find, but none of them believes him. They all have some explanation that proves it's really a green apple or not an apple at all. Eventually, the boy can't take the disbelief any more, and he begins doubting what his own eyes are showing him. He throws the apple into the ravine, where it is eaten by a worm who knows it was a blue apple but could not care less.

This is so clever. It shows how children have a tendency to see things how they really are because they have no preconceived ideas. They have no expectations, which means they just see. This reminds me of a story my parents told me. They said when I was a toddler, they asked me what colour the light on a train's signal was and I replied blue. They argued that it was green and laughed at my mistake. Until they really looked at the light. It was then they saw that it really was more of a blue than green. Your story reminded me of that. Once we reach a certain age, I think we often stop really seeing a lot. I felt sad when the boy started to doubt his own convictions. It's like a symbol for growing up. It's also a story about perception and how something can be many things at the same time. Like Schrodinger's Cat.

Characters: I love this little boy. He is so certain he has found a blue apple, and I totally believe him. But, nobody else does. Some of them won't even look at it. I felt so, so sad when the boy threw the apple into the ravine; instantly regretting his actions. He's become jaded, afflicted by the scepticism of adulthood.

Grammar: Just a tiny point. You use a lot of exclamation points in your writing. It's generally thought we should try to limit them and, rather than using the punctuation to emphasis an otherwise weak verb, it's better to use a strong verb that needs no extra emphasis.

What I liked: The little boy. I love his enthusiasm. I love watching him try to prove his apple is blue. The way the story follows him as he runs out of people to show is really nicely written. It makes me think that, as humans, we need the validation of others to believe our own eyes or feelings.

I really enjoyed this story. On the surface, it's a simple story about a boy and a blue apple. But, it's so much more than that. There are so many philosophical layers that make really interesting. I loved it. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Walkinbird 3 Jan 1892

I've just finished reading your short story, "Seeking Certain Assurances" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is the first of your Whisky Liqueur reviews that Whata SpoonStealer gifted to you.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Adrie asked me to review this piece specifically, but I think it is part of a larger body of work. Without reading that, I will treat this as a short story. I hope that's okay. The first thing to say is I love your opening paragraph. That scene, with Dorotea Canto and Brother Vace walking across the courtyard is pure genius. I don't know anything about the characters before reading this, but I learn so much from their interaction in this scene. This description of Dorotea is fab: "Her commanding height misdirected assumptions of frailty, likewise the tailored red suit and impressively fit legs concealed other, less important truths." She sounds pretty intimidating and scary. You also say she has a "no-nonsense approach," and that is highlighted in her appearance. Then, we have Brother Vace who, "scrambled along, somewhat winded keeping at her heels." Also, you say of him, "Vace moved sidelong, looked sidelong ..." He seems untrustworthy. I am sure he will betray the others at some point, or maybe he will be too scared to do whatever is necessary to save them. He appears to be a snivelling, weaselly, little man.

Plot: I am unsure what the whole plot is. But that's not a criticism because I'm sure I would know, had I read the previous material. Dr. Robert Josephs is plagued with no sleep. He hears (and sees?) ghosts and he has almost died many times; each time seeing a little more of death. So, I don't know whether he is researching death? I'm not sure. It's definitely intriguing, though.

The last section of the chapter is really interesting. Dr. Josephs and his assistant, Aubrus Enbrus, are in Rome before embarking on the next part of their journey. They visit a fortune teller, who reads the doctor's tarot cards. She uncovers many Death cards, and it spooks him. Meanwhile, Aubrus has an encounter with a lady selling beads (who I am not sure whether we should trust). She sells him some beads, and he has a flash of memory of his mother as their hands touch. Again, I'm not sure what this signifies, but I'm intrigued to find out.

What I really liked: This line made me laugh: "He wondered what deliberate face he could make to annoy Brother Vace, but willed himself to step away rather than linger." Dr. Joesphs' contempt for Vace makes me even more sure he will betray them somehow. I also love the general intrigue you create. We have phantoms, death, vampires, Biblical quotations, fortune tellers, strange beads. There are so many possibilities of where you will take this. That's exciting.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: My main comment regarding this is to watch your use of tenses. Mostly, this is written in the past tense, but there are a couple of places where you slip into the present tense. "Robert looks over his shoulder at Brother Vace and nudges an elbow toward him." This is the first place. Also, "Robert stops and closes his eyes ..." and the rest of this sentence. The only other point is a minor one: "Each have lessons to learn...," There shouldn't be a comma after ellipses.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this. My mind is buzzing with thoughts as to where the doctor and Aubrus will go next. How many more times will Robert see Death? Will he die? Who will betray them? And what is their mission? Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

My September 2017 PDG signature. Made by Hannah.


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In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi dogpack:saving 4 premium: DWG

I've just read your poem, "Writers Cramp Poem" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' Reviewers" . It is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This poem is joyful and light and a pleasure to read. As I first read through, I wondered if it is based on your own experiences. It certainly reads as though it is personal. Your first line is a fantastic hook, with some great internal rhyme: "my brain seized, when I sneezed." That grabs the reader's attention and makes them take notice. I love it. As we read on, we read a tale of how you had to learn to write again, both mentally and physically. It wasn't easy, but Writing.com and The Writer's Cramp have both been instrumental in your success. Along with your own iron will, I suspect. It's a great story of triumphing over adversity. I'm so glad the prompts in The Writer's Cramp helped inspire you to be creative again.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse and there is no set rhyme scheme. However, you have kept the lines to similar lengths and meter, which means it has a fluid, natural rhythm. There are no bumpy places. I really like your occasional use of internal rhyme. For example, your last line: "The Writers Cramp, made me a champ." I think that's fab!

*StarG* What I really liked: "search the web, oh my aching head / I see with glee, WdC is for me." I love these lines because they are so relatable. I remember that feeling when I first glanced over this website. Similarly, this line really appeals to me: "this cramp is good, in the WdC brotherhood." That's exactly what it's like. Nicely worded. This line made me chuckle: "computer for help, Merriam-Webster yelped." I like the humour with which you have written this poem. I love how you don't feel sorry for yourself. You did something to help yourself, and it paid off big time. The positivity shines through.

*StarP* Suggestions: Punctuation: you have used some. But the first words of each verse aren't capitalised and there are no periods at all, not even at the end. That's fine. I like to write poetry without punctuation, but the general rule is either all or nothing. In other words, don't just punctuate certain parts. Not even with free verse. If you're going to use punctuation, go all the way. Or use none. (Personally, in this poem, I'd go for none.) Also, "don't quit, use your whit / at whits end, sos I send." It should be wit and wit's.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is an enjoyable, positive, celebratory poem. I really enjoyed reading it, and I found it inspiring.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Princess Megan Rose GOT Fox

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* This is a really interesting insight into your Jane Austen love. The question I have to know is have you read all the novels in that gold-bound book now? I assume you must have.

*StarV* It's a shame you couldn't get into the film of 'Sense & Sensibility.' It's one of my favourites. Alan Rickman as Colonel Brandon is almost as heart-stopping as Colin Firth as Mr Darcy. And Emma Thompson is one of my all-time favourite actresses and people. Have you given the film another try since you wrote this?

*StarV* I have to admit 'Jane Bites Back' sounds ... interesting. Has there been a vampire version of 'Pride & Prejudice' made? I'm sure I've heard of that. One other character who was taken from 'Pride & Prejudice' and written into modern-day is Mark Darcy in 'Bridget Jones's Diary.' I love how they got Colin Firth to play him in the film. I remember seeing an interview with Helen Fielding where she said she actually based Mark Darcy on Colin Firth's portrayal of the main man. She must have been over the moon to get him in the films.

*Starv* I'm glad you have found your Mr Darcy. I have found mine, too (although he refuses to jump in a lake and come out wearing nothing but breeches; dripping wet). Oh well. We can always hope, I guess.

I really enjoyed reading this, Megan. Nice writing and really entertaining.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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for entry "Take My Hand..." 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I wanted to review a poem of yours because I've read your poetry before and I really like it. When I saw this one, I knew it was the right one. It's absolutely beautiful. The feeling of love and togetherness is a refreshing change when compared to all the division in the world right now. But this poem, it speaks of unity, and I like that.

*Starv* This poem is free verse, which is my favourite form. You have used it really well to convey your message. I don't know if this is written for anyone in particular? I have a feeling it is. The love shines through. It's a very relaxing and calming poem. It makes me feel like everything will be okay if we just stand together.

*StarV* The rhythm in this poem is spot on. Sometimes, with free verse, the rhythm can be lost a little. But that's not the case in this one. There are no bumpy spots, which makes it flow really well.

*StarV* It's hard to pick a favourite line because the whole poem works really well together. There are two places that really stand out for me, though: "slow we might be, / but we are not lost." I think you are saying you don't need to be living your life at 100 miles an hour, rushing about, stressing about all the things you haven't done. If it's important, you will get to it when you need to. That feels so peaceful, and I think a lot of people will relate to it.

The other place that blows me away is: "We're not out to rule the world / but to live our life with love and light." All we need is love, and with that, we can face whatever comes our way. We don't have to be super rich or famous, we just need each other.

This is a first class poem. I love the imagery that runs through it of holding hands and making your way through life together. It's beautifully written, and the message at its heart is so positive and joyful. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LostGhost: Seeking & Learning

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


This is your first Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I love your opening paragraph. It is a fantastic hook into the rest of the story, and I had to keep reading. The narrator has a secret they keep locked in a trunk, but every now and then, the trunk must be opened and the monster unleashed. It all began when she became jealous of her friend who was in love with a guy and (I assume) he loved her, too. The green-eyed monster crept through your character's veins and took her over, making her betray her best friend.

*Starv* I loved this line: " A finger-print, an eye scan, and thought scan." I really sat up and took notice when I read "thought scan." That's a clever idea. It tells us this is set in the future, although there aren't really any other details of the setting or time period.

*Starv* Another line I think is wonderful is: "I let the sands of time take me back to those sands of the beach." Nice imagery. I love it.

*Starv* The way you describe jealousy is great. I love the "green tendrils" that creep through your character, taking hold and taking over. I really like how jealousy makes people turn green, and you can see how insecure they are through how much of them turns green.

*StarV* One thing to watch is your tenses. You have a tendency to switch between present and past occasionally. This line is an example of that: " ... the green tendrils seem to be speaking as they slowly morph into a face of a monster and sniffed me." You continue to use the past tense in the next sentence, then go back to the present. I found it a little confusing.

*StarV* I have a couple of questions. I assumed the whole trunk and green-eyed monster was a metaphor for the woman's jealousy, which was stirred up when she thought of her best friend. I didn't think the monster was real, as he was a part of your character. However, when I read your genre is horror, I wondered if I got it wrong. I'm not sure. Was the monster real? Was there really a trunk?

This is an enjoyable story with a great moral to it: jealousy hurts and turns you into an ugly person on the inside. What's more, once you let that monster in, it will feed off your body and make you do horrible things. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of A Shattered Mask  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi S.J - Not Around Much

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is a sad reflection on a life where you spend so long pretending to be whatever other people need you to be, that you lose yourself in the process. I think a lot of people will relate to this. Most of us have different masks for different occasions and different people. It is really easy to lose and forget yourself as you do this.

Voice/Tone: The voice sounds personal. The narrator sounds as though she is despairing of her life. There is a sense of turmoil and frustration that she can never just be herself. The masks she wears protect her, though, I'm sure. After all, revealing the real you makes you vulnerable to being hurt. So, the masks definitely serve a purpose.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, which I love. I would look at your line lengths and breaks, though. For example, this line is too long: "And as I walk back through the endless screaming corridors." It doesn't really fit because of its length. But, if you moved endless down a line, then, "screaming corridors" down another line, it would place so much emphasis on the word endless; which is the important part of the sentence. If I were you, I would take a look at where you have placed the line breaks. You don't have to put whole sentences or thoughts on one line. If you break them up, they have a lot more impact.

Rhythm: The rhythm is good. Changing the line lengths would make it smoother, though.

My Favourite Part: "And I'm left scrambling to find the real me / In a sea of endless hollow screams." That's a beautiful description, but it feels so sad and lonely. It's like you just can't find the real you. Sometimes, though, the more we search, the harder it becomes to find. I also love how you end the poem with the question: "Should I don another mask?" Becasue it's easier than being yourself, right?

Suggestions: My main suggestion (after the line breaks) is to think about your word choice. You have a tendency to use the same words or phrases over and over. For example, these stood out to me: "at first," "don/donned/donning," and "endless." Yes, use them once. But it would give more impact if you could find different words for your descriptions.

I like this poem. It's emotional and you have some nice descriptions in there. I think you show the despair and sadness of not knowing who you are really nicely. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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346
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jellyfish-Vote Green on May 2!

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E]. This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I wanted to review something a little different for this review. So I chose this (I was drawn to it by the cute rabbit picture). I really enjoyed this story told completely through dialogue. It's really hard to pull off a story without any exposition or speech tags. But, you have done it without flaw. It's really funny and highly entertaining.

Plot: An elf has lost his rabbit (called Mike - that's a touch of comedy genius). He meets a man whose house Mike was last seen entering, and together they recover him from the airing cupboard. I love your ending. It's such a tease. The elf, reunited with Mike, leaves the human a gift: one wish to be granted. And, what does he wish for? ... We'll never know. You leave us hanging. It's a great ending.

Characters: I love how the human has so many questions and things he finds odd about the situation, whereas, the elf cannot understand what is so odd about an inch-high fellow searching for his pet rabbit, Mike. I'm with the elf. It sounds perfectly normal to me. There is a great interaction between the two characters, and the dialogue is completely natural. It definitely reads as a real conversation.

What I liked: I love your sense of humour! I found myself laughing the whole way through the story. Your writing really shines in this. These lines are hilarious: "'Anyway, one of them told me that he thought he’d seen Mike – that’s the rabbit –' / 'Your rabbit is called Mike? / “Yes, what of it?'" I also love the part where the elf says he spoke to the birds, and this surprises the human. But, the thing that seems to surprise him the least is the fact that he's speaking to an elf. That makes me laugh.

Suggestions: The only thing to say is there are a few lines where you haven't used end-of-quotation speech marks. It's not a big deal, and it doesn't affect the impact of the story. But I just thought I'd mention it.

This is a real feel-good story. It has humour interwoven through every sentence. And it's humour that works. It's laugh-out-loud funny. I really enjoyed it. It's a great story.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jellyfish-Vote Green on May 2!

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love it! I'm assuming the prompt was the colour blue. I have to say, you've taken that prompt and smashed it. This is a different direction to anything I would have thought of. I love your descriptions of this sad, lonely house. I actually feel a little empathy for it. The crumbling wall and rotting window pane show so eloquently how decaying and neglected this old place is. I love the last couple of verses when you turn it around. You say you'd like to make the house yours, and if you did, you would, " ... fill it full of plants and songs, / And people, food and wine." I love that.

Voice/Tone: The voice is personal, and it sounds as though the narrator really cares about the house next door. The main body of the poem is sad and kind of despondent. The theme of ghosts is nicely carried through to the end. I love these lines: "There's ghosts in every room, / They slip behind the curtains -" But, they aren't spooky ghosts. I think it's more a reflection of the memories of people who used to live there. That's really cleverly done.

Mechanics: I don't think this is any specific form. There are six quatrains, all with an abcb rhyme scheme. I love the rhymes. They all work really well, and this helps to give the poem a great pace. The lines are of similar lengths, which makes the rhythm spot on. There are no places where you lose the rhythm or rhyme. It's so well written.

My Favourite Part: "Its windows stare like empty eyes." This is so sad. It feels like the house is dead, and this description is really moving. I also love this part: "Its memories slip through the cracks / Devoid of any light." A house, once full of laughter, love, and happiness, now stands empty and alone. It reminds me of a song (I can't remember what it is) where the guy is singing about a house where the woman has left him and the house alone. He sings, "There's a teardrop in the corner of your pain." Something like that. Your poem made me think of that song.

This is a fantastic poem, Jenny. It's beautifully written. The imagery you use and emotions you tug at work so well to make a fab piece of writing. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Love's Touch  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is the second of your Turkish Delight reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I chose to review this poem, out of the three you suggested, because I couldn't not. It's beautifully written and presented, and it's so poignant. Your portrayal of loss and grief is so accurate. The way your loss isn't with you when you first wake, but a second later, it hits you afresh, and it's like losing them all over again. The way you long for sleep and happy dreams because it's the only time you have left with them. That really brought a lump to my throat.

Voice/Tone: The narrator in this poem speaks with a lot of emotion. The poem sounds very personal. It tells a story of someone who has lost the love of their life. I've read it over and over, and I can't figure out the ending. Is the narrator dying? Or is she saying one day they will walk along Heaven's shore? Or, is she saying in her dreams they will walk together? That makes sense. I love the idea that her loved one's presence will be stronger than the demons who fight for time in her head.

Mechanics: I'm not sure if this is any specific form, but there are three quatrains, with the rhyme of aaaa, bbbb, cccc. Each verse has roughly the same syllables. I love the way this gives the poem rhythm and pace. It means it flows wonderfully from one line to the next.

My Favourite Part: "When the night's been serene, filled with mem'ries of love, / I cherish your visit from a realm far above." Ohh, that makes me so sad. I have to say, I adore your opening line: "I sleep in the arms of the smile that I hold ..." That's a perfect, beautiful description.

Suggestions The only place that doesn't flow quite as well as the rest is the last line: "Together we'll walk 'long Heaven's shore this hour." The meter is slightly off. "Heaven's shore this hour," is the part that just doesn't feel quite right. It's not a huge deal, but I thought I'd mention it.

This is truly a fabulous poem. The emotion is incredible, and your writing is so beautiful. I'm so glad you suggested this poem for me.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi LegendaryMask❤️

This review is part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is also part of "OPEN HOUSE" . It is your Strawberry Surprise review which LJ hiding under the bed gifted you.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I'm sat here typing this review with tears streaming down my face. This really touched a nerve with me. It's a beautiful tribute to your mother. I'm so sorry you lost her so young and in such a horrible way (not that there's really any good way). From reading this, I can tell you had a wonderful relationship with your mother. She sounds like she was everything a good mother should be. It's just so moving. Seriously. The tears just keep coming.

*StarV* I love how you move this essay along in a logical way. So, you start with your mother's death and the pain it caused. You move through mourning her, questioning God, making peace with him, and finally being able to remember your mother without sadness taking over. Can I ask how long it took you to get to that point? I lost my Mum six years ago, and I still don't feel like I'll ever get to that point.

*StarV* I love the photograph you have used for this piece. That's a nice touch. The part where you mention memories that sneak out when you aren't expecting them is so true. Anything can trigger memories. It's nice when you get lost in them, but not so nice when you realise they aren't how life is any more. I like how you offer advice in this essay. You offer hope that grief does ease over time, and you tell us to hold onto this we love and not take them for granted. That's a great piece of advice.

*StarV* Just one quick point about punctuation ... plurals don't have apostrophes. Nouns/pronouns which denote ownership do have apostrophes.

This is a beautiful piece of writing. It's brought back so many memories about my own mother. Mostly, though, it is filled with love and joy over the relationship you had with your mom, and that is so moving to read. Great writing!

Choconut

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Review of Night Dancing  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Charlie ~

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . Minja has gifted this review to you through my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium " .

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Your opening line captures the reader instantly: "It creeps upon you slowly." Personally, that resonated with me big time. I really like your description in the first verse of mental illness curling itself around your blankets. I imagine it's common for sufferers to have trouble leaving their beds, so the fact that depression/bipolar/borderline; whatever the illness, is in their bed makes sense.

Voice/Tone: The narrator sounds tired. Especially, in the last verse. The last two lines are really sad: "Find out you are truly alone. / No one will go down with you." I also really like how you admit that you've always known you weren't normal; that your feelings weren't normal. Eventually, you had to admit it, rather than push it down and try to ignore it.

Mechanics: Although free verse, this poem does have a kind of structure, in its content. The first verse deals with the insidious way mental illness weaves itself through your life without you realising, at first, what is happening. In the second verse, you deal with acceptance. The third refers to the point where you ask for help, and the fourth is when you realise that help is overrated, and actually really hard to find. That is the journey of mental illness described perfectly. I found it really moving. I'm glad you used free verse for this. It means you have been super creative with your words.

My Favourite Part: The third verse is the one that has the greatest impact. Telling someone is such a hard thing to do, especially the first few times. You capture really well the difficulty in putting your illness into words. "'I’m sad. I’m helpless. / I feel nothing.'” It's so hard to admit those feelings to yourself, so to open them up to someone else is a huge deal. I love your description of how it feels to say these things: "Feel your heart stop, / Wait for a reaction." That's exactly how it feels. I was angered by the reaction of people telling you you don't feel the things you say you're feeling. I've had that, and it really pisses me off. Nobody knows what goes on in your mind.

This is a fantastic poem, Char. I note in your brief description you say it was a quick poem. Does that mean you wrote it quickly? Because, it's really well thought out. The overall feeling is one of hopelessness and resignation that this is how life will always be because no one is really able to help you. It's very relatable. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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