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2,047 Public Reviews Given
2,066 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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451
451
Review of Method Madness  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi rjsimonson

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* The first thing to say is I love your title and brief description. They intrigued me, and I had to take a look and see just what the actor was experiencing. I wanted to know how his character had affected him. The next thing to say is I really like the idea behind this story. It's clever and unique. You hooked me right at the beginning, with, "Looking into the mirror he realizes, the face he sees is that of his character and not his own." I had to read on to find out whether he had, literally, become his character, or whether he had just been playing him for too long, and the heinous acts of the character had taken their toll on his mental health. A great start.

*StarV* The confusion you show in your protagonist is wonderful. It seems as though he is experiencing some kind of psychotic break. He sees his character (who, I assume, is The Joker from Batman) as his reflection in the mirror. You show his as losing time, not remembering things he has done, then having flashbacks of the things he has done. All the while, he feels detached and it all feels surreal to him. By creating this unreliable character, you leave the reader desperate to know what is the truth and wondering whether the man really has been taken over by his character. In the end, I'm not sure I really knew the answer to those questions. You end the story with the line, "The actor lies smiling up through unseeing eyes." I wasn't sure whether his eyes were unseeing because he was dead (from taking too many pills) or because he was completely lost in a psychotic break. I would like to know why he was smiling.

*StarV* I love how the words, "What a Joke" are written in blood (or acting make up) on the mirror in the actor's dressing room. That's funny and clever.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


I was a little confused by the different feints. As I first read through, I like how you used a different feint for the line, "A disembodied voice echoes through the room, 'Ten minutes until we start rolling.'" I thought it was a good way of showing words spoken outside of the actor. Then, you used another feint when the news reported the latest crime. Also a good idea. But, you continued to use that feint for the whole rest of the story. I didn't get why you didn't change back again.

In general, be careful of your comma placement. There are a few random placements. For example, "After another thirty minutes time they bring in a second, key and open the door." There shouldn't be a comma after second. However, after minutes (the end of the introductory phrase), there should be one.

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is good story, with an interesting concept. I enjoyed reading it and, with a little polishing, it could be excellent.

Choconut

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452
452
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi phyduex

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* Wow. This is fantastic. All the way through, I was thinking I was reading about one thing, then at the end, you blindside the reader with the real story. It's so cleverly done. Really smooth. When you say, "Hollow nothingness steals my breath, as I see him kneeling before the tombstone," it takes the reader's breath away. I was picturing a divorced family, where the mother was taking the children to visit with their father. I was not expecting it to be a trip to the cemetery. Seriously, so well written.

*StarV* Once we learn that the father is dead, you show us the daughter, going through her final interaction with him. We learn that he died in a motor accident when he is on his way to get doughnuts for his daughter's breakfast. He offers to make her eggs, but she insists she wants doughnuts. So, he takes the car and never comes home again. I had a lump in my throat as I read this. It's in stark contrast to the beginning of the story. I love how the knowledge of what happened hits us in the same way as the accident and news of his death hit his family. That's nicely done.

*StarV* Your characterisation of Michael is wonderful. You show how young and immature he is, by the way he's wriggling around in the car seat, taking off the clothes he doesn't want to wear. Their mother asks him if he's going to tell his father about his Book Report, and Michael says he's brought him a drawing—another great way of misleading the reader, making the impact of the truth even harder. There is so much innocence in this character. This line, in particular, highlights his immaturity and lack of understanding: "We climb out of the car and make our way across the lawn. His Spiderman shoes light up with each step as he bounds forth."

*StarV* I like how you show the daughter remembering the events of that fateful morning. In the first paragraph of her memories, I thought she was making up a story in her head. It's almost like a fairytale in that first paragraph.


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a really moving, well written story of loss and grief. You show the daughter, who is wracked with guilt; the mother, who is trying to be strong for her children; and the son, who is too young to really understand. It's a really great story. I love it.


Choconut

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453
453
Review of Flats and Flaws  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi beetle

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* Firstly, I love your title. It's what drew me to this story, as I was looking through your portfolio. It's absolutely perfect for this story. The next thing I have to say is I love your opening sentence. "'So,' Shawn said, kicking the flat, front left tire. 'Feel free to tell me how this’s all my fault. I know you want to.'" This is a great way to open. It hooks the reader by making us want to know how the guys will get out of the situation. But also, it shows us a little of their characters. Immediately, we think Shawn is a guy who likes to feel like the protecting force of the relationship. He wants to be the one who looks after his partner. That opening line is such a good way to show us that.

*StarV* As the story progresses, we see Shawn and his boyfriend (whose name we don't know). The boyfriend is flirtatious and uses his sex appeal to try to calm down his lover's temper, before it gets too hot. The relationship between these two men is wonderful. It's tender and soft and full of love. This line, which Shawn says in response to his boyfriend saying he loves him "to distraction," is great: "Shawn reached up and brushed his fingers across my cheek. “I love you, too, baby,” he whispered, and kissed my forehead, my nose then my lips." There's something so intimate about that movement. It's a beautiful description.

*StarV* There is a part of the story where the characters mention an incident at a diner in Tucson. You don't explicitly say that it was because the the characters are gay, but rather, you mention the "bigoted waitress and her manager." Again, this subtle way of telling us about the characters is really cleverly written. I love how you say Shawn stood up for them both.

*Starv* The end made me laugh. "'When you cleaned out the trunk . . . please tell me you left the jack in there?'" Oh dear. So, Shawn did mess up in the end. That's a brilliant ending. Very funny.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


I only have one suggestion, and it's one that, if I'm honest, I'm not sure about. The part where you say, "'Babe, I—'he began, searching my eyes wonderingly." The next line reads, "'Are wonderful,' I said softly, kissing him again." I know that technically the second character would say are, but it doesn't sound right when you read it, because when you read it, you read, "Babe, I are wonderful." Do you see what I mean?

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this short story. You have done a great job of writing sympathetic and likeable characters, and you have written a great ending, to boot! Great job!

Choconut

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454
454
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Wolfwalker

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* This is a great, descriptive piece of writing. I found myself completely immersed in your character's world. That character was so sympathetic, as well. They had been looking forward to their dream vacation, when they could just relax on sunny beaches, eating seafood. However, the brochure had slightly oversold their holiday! I have to mention how clever this story is. There is only the one character through the whole story, but you keep us hooked throughout.

*StarV* I love the description you give of the seafood your character imagines eating. In particular, the, "steaming clams delivered fresh from their cauldrons of seaweed and boiling saltwater," and the, "sweet rich scallops and delicate pink shrimps." These are fantastic descriptions. I'm actually not a fan of seafood, but these made my mouth water!

*StarV* I love how this story builds up to the big reveal about the truth of the holiday home. By showing us how much your character is looking forward to the holiday, then showing the months slowly rolling around to it, it builds conflict in the story. The reader knows something is going to happen, something will be wrong, but we don't know what. And when we do realise how terrible the "bungalow" is, it's at the same time as your character. I love how you have written that. I could relate to it, as well. I think we've all probably been on at least one holiday where it didn't quite live up to our expectations.

*Starv* This is another great description: "The crisp salty air and earthy fragrance of the dunes was completely blanketed by odors of stale grease, burning pizza, and the obnoxious exhaust fumes from the encroaching congested parking lots." These are the smells that your character finds outside of their "dream vacation home." The whole description of the inside of the room is also really good. I love how you make use of the five senses in your writing. It's the best way of pulling your readers inside the story.

*Starv* I love the ending! It made me laugh when I read that next year's holiday would be a "virtual paradise." Brilliant!


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


What more can I say? I love this story. It's beautifully written, and some of the best descriptive writing I've read. I was in the story with your character, and I so wanted it to get better for them. It's a great story!


Choconut

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455
455
Review of Large Bills First  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Cassie Reynolds

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* My first thoughts as I read through this story were how much I enjoyed it. I think, we've all seen films or TV shows where banks were robbed ("Dog Day Afternoon" comes to mind), so it's easy to imagine how this story would look. Not only that, your descriptions of the quiet, small town bank help the reader to picture the scene really well.

*StarV* I have to mention this description, which I thought was fantastic: "It was a community comprised mostly of retirees who had migrated to Florida in search of warmth to melt the ache of their aging bones and sunshine to brighten the loneliness of their waning years." It's such a lovely description, particularly "to melt the ache of their ageing bones." There's something about that line that really speaks to me. It makes me feel warm and relaxed.

*StarV* I love the part where Serena is trying to remember all the 'capture details.' The way you show her continually coming back to his stockinged head is a really great way of showing how frightened she is. Even though she seems calm, on the outside.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


I don't know whether this was written with a word limit, but I felt the second part of it, where we see the reaction to the robber's sentence, seemed a little hurried. The build up to the robbery, and the actual robbery itself, are told slowly, gradually reaching their climax. Then, suddenly, we know the sentence and it's all over. I would love to have learned more about his apprehension. That could have been really exciting.

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this. I think you have a great story, and I was completely lost in it during the first part. As I mentioned, I think it would be great, if you ever thought about writing more. There could be a gripping police chase, or a detective, following the trail of the stolen money. I think that would be great. However, I still loved it just as it is. It's a fantastic story.

Choconut

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456
456
Review of Broken Girl  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Raven

I've just read your poem, "Broken Girl" , and I would like to offer this review, as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of helping you grow as a writer.

*StarV* First impressions: This poem is beautifully written and really emotional. As I first read through, it left me feeling sad. I wanted to say to the narrator that things will improve. She just needs to hang on. I could relate so much to the whole poem. The feelings of despair and hopelessness that go along with depression, and also the overwhelming feeling that you are on your own. I've been there (many times) and it really is a case of, "Fall down twice, / Get back up thrice."

I wonder whether the narrator has been bullied. The line, "No one to call; no relief in my phone," made me think maybe there was an aspect of cyber bullying that had taken place. Also, "Years of receiving constant pain and hate," makes me think of bullying, as well. Maybe at home, as well as school. I don't know, maybe I'm overanalysing this.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There is a rhyme scheme of aabbcc, etc. and this gives the poem a wonderfully natural rhythm. The poem flows really nicely, and the pace is spot on. What I'm trying to say is this poem sounds good, technically.

*StarG* What I really liked: I love how you make the narrator's voice sound really fragile and tiny. I imagine her voice as being quiet, and fading away. I imagine her in a room on her own, growing tired of the effort that trying to stay strong strips from her. This makes me so sad. I want to hold out my hand for her to grab onto. The last two lines are heartbreaking: "More than ever I need someone to lean on, / Or this broken girl will soon be forever gone." I also love this line: "A fear filled girl staring back at me." Actually, I love all of it. I could quote every line. I don't know whether you have written this about yourself, but it certainly sounds like it comes from the heart. Negative emotions, like the ones you describe here, are a great source of inspiration, I find. Use them.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: I think you probably guessed that I love this poem. You have real talent as a poet, and this is an emotive piece of writing. It's absolutely beautiful, and I wouldn't change a thing. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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457
457
Review of The Haunted Hotel  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Jellyfish

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* The first thing I have to say is you've really made me want a sunny holiday. Your descriptions of the hotel, with the shimmering pool outside and the marble floors, is fabulous. I love the purple and pale blue sofas as well. This definitely sounds like my kind of hotel!

*StarV* You did a great job of building the tension and suspense throughout this story. The idea of a ghost in the hotel rooms is a great way to hook your reader. The whole time Sarah spent wondering what the Russian (or Polish) couple were talking about, I was willing Sarah to leave and find somewhere else to stay. I thought something really bad was about to happen to her. Personally, I think I would have been out of there if guests were speaking of ghosts!

*StarV* I like how you resolved this. The way you mentioned the white cat when Sarah was stood in the reception area was clever. You led me to believe the cat would be an evil entity, or something. It didn't occur to me that it had had kittens, and the (slightly scary) receptionist was actually a soft, caring man who was hiding the kittens, for their safety. I totally didn't expect that. I really like it when a story surprises me like that. Nicely done.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


I have one suggestion. Now, I realise you wrote this a couple of years ago, so it might not even be applicable now. If not, please ignore this. I noticed you have written in the passive voice quite a lot. For example, in the first paragraph, you write, "She was the last one off the transfer and was glad to be out in the fresh air. The sun was shining in a bright blue sky . . . " It's a nice description, but by writing she was doing or feeling things, it puts the reader outside the story, rather than pulling us in. If you write something like, "She stepped into the fresh, salty air. The deep blue sky stretched forever before her eyes . . . " Okay, that's not perfect, but you see what I mean? (Again, you may have already changed this in your writing. If you have, ignore me.)

*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a really enjoyable story that led me in a completely different direction from the one I thought I was heading. I love your descriptions of the hotel and the beautiful destination. Great job!

Choconut

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458
458
Review of Trick-Or-Treat  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi willwilcox

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* The dialogue is fantastic. It's so real and believable, it was easy to fall inside the story. I could picture the two kids stood, with Bobby desperately wanting some of Elizabeth's candy. I loved your use of regional accents. For example, " He’d tan me good if he caught me begin’." This gives the characters individuality, making them more real.

*Starv* You have written the dialogue really cleverly. It flows smoothly, as you transition to, firstly, some other children, then the next door neighbour, then Bobby's dad. It would have been really easy to lose the reader without any dialogue tags, but I always knew who was speaking. Nicely done.

*StarV* I love how Bobby tries so hard to get Elizabeth to give him some candy. He drops massive hints, and she just doesn't get them (or chooses not to). It made me laugh. For example, Bobby says, "Naw, what I want is some of that there candy." To which, Elizabeth's response is that he should go trick-or-treating.

*StarV* The apple is a touch of comedy genius. This, Elizabeth is happy to give away, only Bobby doesn't want it. He wants candy! I couldn't help but wonder who would put an apple into a child's bag when they were trick-or-treating. A dentist, maybe!


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


The only part I wasn't sure about was the end. As I first read through, I was expecting some kind of twist or big reveal at the end. I admit, that's probably because I've read your stories before, and I know you write a lot of horror. But, for me, I just felt it fell a little flat at the end. It was a happy ending, though. I liked that Bobby was allowed to keep his candy bar. His dad proved to be more easy going than Bobby had imagined. I guess, you could say that was the twist.


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a feel-good, holiday story which is told entirely through dialogue. This is such a difficult thing to pull off, but you are the master of dialogue. I really enjoyed reading it. It has a lot of humour that made me laugh. Great job!

Choconut

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459
459
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi 🇺🇸 Carol St.Ann 🇺🇸

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' Reviewers" 


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* I love a good ghost story, and this one is fantastic! What's more, you write at the top (in italics, which somehow makes it seem even creepier) that it's true. I couldn't wait to read what would happen, especially as you said you have never seen a ghost, but you know you have encountered one. The suspense and tension builds and builds right up until the end, when we have the frightening encounter. I was intrigued to read this.

*StarV* Before we get to the paranormal meeting, though, I love your description of Meggie's river house. It sounds like quite a creepy house, even before you describe the ghost. The Victorian furniture and lots of stairs (I imagine lots of wood) and beds for sixteen children! It just seems dark.

*StarV* I love the humour with which you write. The tone of the piece is very conversational, and I felt as though you were here in my living room, siting next to me and telling me about this story. By the way, I'm curious to read about your and Meggie's Woodstock experience!

*StarV* And so, the actual ghostly encounter. It's chilling. Goosebumps spread over my body and I went icy cold as I read this. I can't imagine how terrifying this must have been. I think I would rather just see a ghost, than be physically shaken by one. Now, I've got goosebumps again, just thinking about what you wrote. You really do paint a vivid picture of this experience. I'm not surprised you and Meggie went back to her parents' house. I don't think I could have stayed there.


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Suggestions


This is the place where I normally offer some advice or suggest you look at something, but I've got nothing. I wouldn't change a single thing about this. It's perfect (and it's not often I say that!).


*BalloonV**Balloonv**Balloonv*
Parting Comments


This is a beautifully written tale of paranormal scariness. But it's not just the fear that you write well, it's the whole description of Meggie, your friendship with her, the house; everything. I absolutely love this story. Fantastic!


Choconut

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460
460
Review of "I'm Hear"  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Nickmeraglio1

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

Please take whatever is useful from my review and feel free to disregard the rest.

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I really liked the plot. You did a good job of creating suspense and hooking the reader into the story. I like how you tell the reader we are in an abandoned school because that, straight away, is creepy. Then the EMF meter goes off, and we know something bad is about to happen. I like that.

Plot: A person is investigating an abandoned school for paranormal activity. He is there on his own, and he says he doesn't believe in it. The part I found a little odd was that he didn't look up the school's history online before going there. He knew there were rumours that it was haunted, and he was going to prove/disprove that, but he hadn't looked up its history. Just seems odd to me.

I love the reveal at the end, where he watches the video of what happened in the basement all those years ago, and then he sees the warning, and his own lights go off. I love stories with a good twist at the end, and this one fits the bill brilliantly. Nicely done.

Grammar: Okay. There were quite a few grammar issues. I won't mention them all, but I would urge you to use a grammar programme, or something. The first one is the title, "I'm Hear." It should be here, as the way you've spelled it means "I'm hearing."

Every time you describe the teacher who became possessed, you refer to her as a women, but this is the plural form of the word, and it should be woman.

Your use of capital letters is a little random. They should only be used for proper nouns (names) and the beginning of sentences.

A couple of sentences didn't make sense. " 'Are we going to die? Me principle sir?' " Is this all one sentence? If so, only use the one question mark at the end. Also, " About two minutes went by and the door flew open and fell down the steps." This reads as though the door fell down the steps.I don't think that's what you meant.

What I liked: The plot. The twist at the end. I love your imagination. The way you bring everything together at the end works really well.

Suggestions: This is something that would make your story look more appealing. Use paragraphs and separate them out. It would make this read more clearly. As it is, it looks like it might be hard work to read. Separated, it would look more accessible.

I enjoyed reading this story. It is interesting and well thought-out, and with a little work, it could be a really great story.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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461
461
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones"  Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.

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What I Liked


*StarV* This story has a great humour running though it. Firstly, I love your title. I couldn't help but wonder if you were thinking of 🌕 HuntersMoon when you wrote it! I found it funny. I did wonder, before I started reading, why you had entered it into the Folklore Monthly Writing Contest, when it looked like it was a romance about two guys named Bobby and Ken. In the first few paragraphs, I still had that query. Then, we get that brilliant line: "Inside, Ken faced him and grinned, revealing canine teeth longer than his fingers." It's a vampire story. Now, I get it! I think I was as surprised as Bobby was.

*StarV* This is the stand-out line for me: "Bobby ripped his collar away from his neck. 'Do me now, big boy. I wanna live forever!' " I really laughed when I read that. I could picture the scene really well.

*StarV* I love your description of Bobby waking up after he has turned. The agony in his head and the intense thirst, plus the way he's been buried alive to keep out the light (I assume) are great ways to show his new persona.

*StarV* I love the end. As always, you give the reader a nice little twist. This time, it is that Ken isn't gay. Bobby agreed to turn into a vampire, as he thought he would get to spend eternity with his new boyfriend. But, as Ken says, "Not a queer bone in my body." He also mocks Bobby. I was a little confused. Are you saying that Bobby is not good looking, and that's why Ken chose him: because he needed a break from all the pretty vampires?


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Suggestions


Only one minor point. "At forty-eight, Bobbie had thought he was the oldest here." In the rest of the story, you spell it Bobby.


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Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story, that firstly surprised me by being a vampire story, then surprised me because one of the characters was straight. It's filled with humour, and I really like it.


Lady Purple, House Stark

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462
462
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones"  Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.


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What I Liked


*StarV* Oh, you took me on a story with twists and turns and some really disgusting moments. I loved it! What I particularly liked was that I had no idea where it was going. You kept me on my toes and paying attention the whole way through. I would never have predicted that ending. It's a great story.


*StarV* You write so beautifully. Some of your descriptions had me right there inside the cold, dark winterscape of the story. Near the beginning, you write that Jenny is jealous of Mat because she could never, "kindle that light in her daughter's eyes." That's such a lovely phrase. Later in the story, when your describe the cold winter when Mat and Jenny venture outside, I could picture everything. I especially liked this description: "She squeezed her eyes shut against the stinging snow that blasted into her face." I could feel what it was like to be stood in the middle of a blizzard. You did a great job of putting me right in the centre of the story.


*StarV* I really like your characterisation of Beth. Her childlike wonder at her father's stories of this almost-forgotten time is brilliantly painted. I love this description: "Beth's mouth formed a perfect O as she digested this unbelievable fact." She comes across as so young and innocent, and it's actually really sad that this wonder is at the fact that fifty people used to live in her street. I also love, "the lectric magic used to make fake people walk around inside a box." That made me laugh. As did "Chris must Eve" and "Chris must Dave." That's really funny.

*StarV* The post-apocalyptic world that you describe, where people are cannibals and will eat just about anything that comes their way, is wonderfully dark. I love how the past lives on through Mat's rich stories. Even though, he was the one who killed Jenny's whole family, we discover at the end.


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Suggestions


I wonder how long ago the apocalypse was. You said Jenny's parents could remember life Before, but she couldn't. But, also, Jenny's daughter is Beth, so she must be of child-bearing age. I'm assuming people live much longer, maybe even forever, in this world. I was a little confused by that, though.


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Parting Comments


This is an imaginative story that kept me hooked the whole way through. You have some lovely descriptions in here, along with humour and a unique (and a little scary) look at what the world could become if certain people aren't stopped. I really like it.


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
463
463
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones"  Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.


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What I Liked


*StarV* This story is a difficult one to review. It's a heartbreaking story, with good and bad on both sides of divide. But, I guess, that's how real life works. As I first read through, I found it to be an exciting story, and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, and then in the end, you took my breath away.


*StarV* Jim is an interesting character. My opinion of him changed constantly throughout the story. At first, I thought he was going to be a jolly, donut-eating cop. Then, he referred to Muslims as ragheads, and I was taken aback. For a moment, I was like: Do I really want to read a story with language like that in it? But, it was the character using it, and it actually gave great insight into him and what he has been through. But, I found myself not liking Jim. That continued as he kept disrespecting the people he was there to save by using that word. Then, by saying, "Let's go save some Arabs." Again, I was shocked. It's so disrespectful. Of course, we learn that Jim has a reason to dislike Muslims, after his wife and baby daughter were killed in a terrorist attack. So, I had some sympathy for him.


*StarV* When I got to the end, I had wondered if his daughter would be part of the terrorists, through her Christian group. But I didn't expect Jim to have to kill her. It brought a lump to my throat, as I imagined having to make that decision. In a way, that makes Jim a more sympathetic character because he killed his only remaining daughter to save people of a religion he seriously disliked. When you show him remembering her first steps, it's really emotional. I love your last line as well: "The recoil reverberated down into the very core of his being." Literally and figuratively. Nice touch.


*StarV* Okay. I have to ask. Are those real call signs, or did you make them up? Either way, I'm impressed. It gave an extra authenticity to the story. I also like the coriander aroma in the air because of the Indian restaurants nearby. That was a nice touch, as well.


*Starv* It's interesting how you show both sides of the terrorist activity. The Jihadis who killed Jim's wife and daughter, and Lauren, whose fragile mental state has been preyed on by white supremacists. It's such an emotive subject. I could completely see how Lauren would have been brainwashed. I could also see how her deeds were equally as evil as those which killed her family.


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Parting Comments


As I said, this is an emotive story. It's left me feeling quite sad at the end. Not just for Jim and Lauren, or the little boy's family, but sad that this is becoming increasingly frequent, with no hope of an end in sight. This, though, is a great story.


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
464
464
Review of A Good Heart  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones"  Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.

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What I Liked


*StarV* I LOVE this story, Bob! There are twists and turns aplenty. Just as I thought it was going to be professor-sleeps-with-student, she wasn't a student. Then, I thought Matthew was going to sleep with Mary. I thought his sexual attraction was just that. But it wasn't. He's a crazy, organ-embalming psychopath. Then, just when I thought I couldn't be surprised any more, Mary was revealed as an FBI Agent, and Matthew was caught. It's a real edge-of-your-seat ride of a story. It's fantastic. I'm not at all surprised it won first place. You should enter it in an outside contest, you know.

*StarV* Okay. Specifics. You do a great job of (misleadingly) painting Matthew as a lonely professor who is just looking for a little female company. In the first paragraph, you say, "When he left the library, he'd return to his empty apartment alone, maybe picking up a microwave meal for one along the way." I felt quite sorry for him here, and where he made us believe he fancied the Goddess sat near to him, but didn't feel able to approach.

*StarV* When I read the story for the second time, I noticed little clues you planted for us that I didn't see the first time. For example, this line is pure genius: "and he'd once stolen the heart of a Nigerian princess." Literally! He literally stole her heart. When I read this, I thought maybe this new lady would turn out to be his daughter by that princess. Oh, how wrong I was!

*StarV* As Matthew walked Mary into his office building, he thought, "Why did she have to look so vulnerable, so tempting, when it was impossible for him to sample her wares?" At this point, my opinion of him changed, but only because I was thinking he was pathetic for feeling he couldn't resist. But, I didn't realise just what he was resisting. When the reveal came and I read, "with an often practiced and now perfected movement, plunged the needle into her neck." I was shocked. It's brilliantly dropped in there. From that point, the story changes.

*StarV* I love the resolution at the end. "to expose her chocolate-colored breasts and the wire that ran down from her neck to her waist." I almost read over that wire. Then, I realised and was so happy. The three FBI Agents bursting in and catching him is a great way to end.


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Parting Comments


This is a fast paced, entertaining story. I loved every second of reading it. Wonderful!


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
465
465
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones"  Anniversary Review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.

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What I Liked


*StarV* A sonnet for chocolate. How could I resist reviewing this? You know I'm always going to love something like this. From your first line, you had me nodding my head and agreeing with you. It is strange some people don't understand the joys of chocolate. I can never understand people who claim they don't like it. I'm sure they're lying.

*StarV* With regards to the form, I think it's perfect. A sonnet is a poem of love, and that's just what this is. There are moments when it could be written about another person. For example, the lines: "I see my love in sizes large and small," and "With skin so smooth, I can't resist at all." These could easily be written for the special lady in your life, which makes the fact that it's written about chocolate even more brilliant!

*StarV* I love how you work your way to the ending, where you reveal your greatest heartache: Valentine's Day. I love the rhyming couplet at the end: "Oh, Valentine's is such a tragic day; / that's when I'm forced to give my love away *Cry*" Oh, I can relate to that. I feel your pain!


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Suggestions


There are a couple of places where the meter seems a little off. Just a little. The first line, for example, I had to read a number of times before I got the rhythm so that it flowed into the next line. The word favourite on the next line doesn't quite fit the meter, as well.


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Parting Comments


I really like this poem. I think chocolate is a great subject for a love poem. I may have even written one, myself, previously. I enjoyed your humour at the end, where you relay your pain at having to give chocolates away to a lover on Valentine's Day. I really like this.

Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
466
466
Review of Samoset's Journey  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark "Game of Thrones"  Anniversary review for you, Christopher Roy Denton of White Walkers.


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What I Liked


*StarV* Samoset! I loved Samoset. He is a wonderful character. He's clever, dutiful, and has an enormous heart. This is a great story of how small acts of kindness and generosity can mean so much in a time of war (or any time, come to mention it.) However, I fear his fate would not have been great. I'm sure they would have killed him without hesitation. But, I love how you show him thinking of 'Sunset' and worrying for her safety.

*Starv* I was moved by the way Samoset thinks of his former life, and of how plague and battles have killed almost everybody. His sense of loss is huge. Yet, still, he is able to have compassion for the English girl.

*StarV* I love stories that highlight how so-called intelligence and civilisation aren't necessarily the things that make a person/nation/community great. Here, we see Samoset, the native who all the invading Englishmen regard as less than human, actually knowing more than they do, and holding the power to save their lives. I suspect they were too foolish and full of their own importance to pay him any heed.

*StarV* The clever way that Samoset plays this at the end made me smile. He decides to play to the preconceived ideas of the English and act like a dumb native. He strips off, then says, "Welcome, English. Have you ale for weary traveler?" I like that. He's clearly met some English people before this!


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Suggestions


I have no suggestions because I think this is already excellent. I did, however, spot one grammatical error. You write, "After three winter's neglect." winters is plural here, so it should be winters'.


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Parting Comments

I really enjoyed reading this story. You've done a great job with Samoset's character, and also the characters of the stupid English. It's a riveting read, and I was hooked the whole way through. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
467
467
Review of Sacrifices  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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Poetic Toolbox


*Starv* This poem is a really moving tribute to everyone who has ever served in the armed forces. The image of the old man seeing his own reflection from decades back, and then remembering his military career, is nicely written. His uniform still fits, albeit a little tightly, and his face is lined and hair is white. But he's still the same man, underneath all of that. And his memories remain. I can't quite work out whether I feel happy or sad at the end. Is it possible to feel both?

*Starv* You have some beautiful imagery through this poem. For example, these lines in the first verse are vivid and tell us so much about this man: "the passage of the years written / in lines and hair, now white." In contrast, you say this, about his memories of his younger self: "a young man unlined by life's trials." It's a great way of showing his age.

*Starv* There are nine quatrains in this poem, all with an abab rhyme scheme. This gives it a great rhythm and pace. It reads so fluidly, it just trips off the tongue. I love how you've written it.


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Favourite Lines


These are my favourite lines: "He looks the soldier in the eye / and sees a glint of pride." I love that he acknowledges the part he played in the war. I wonder whether he dies at the end because you mention a "final sigh." I may be reading too much into it. I have a tendency to do that.


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Parting Comments


This poem is mesmerising, Ken. It captured my heart in the very first line and continued tugging at it the whole way through. I wouldn't change a single thing about it. It's perfect just how it is. Great work!


Lady Purple, House Stark

** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
468
468
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* This is a really funny story about a woman who doesn't receive the best treatment in the Emergency Room. I could feel every bit of her pain and frustration as error after error occurred. Firstly, the incorrect name on her wrist band. That kind of thing would really bug me. I would have had to tell the first person I saw. Although, I guess if I was in as much pain as Dorothy, maybe I wouldn't.

*StarV* The way Dorothy is forced to walk to the Imaging Department, clasping her over-sized gown together at the back, hobbling on her damaged ankle, is funny. The hospital has run out of wheelchairs is the explanation given for this. Then, she has to hobble there for a second time when the doctor hasn't written the right information on the form and, because of this, the Imaging person doesn't x-ray her ankle. You would have thought it obvious that was the damaged part of her. Although, there really are a lot of people in the health service who only do exactly what they are told. Thinking outside of the box is impossible to these people. Actually, they aren't just in the health service.

*Starv* I'm not sure where you're from, but I live in England, so we have the NHS. Whilst it's wonderful to have a free health service, it's just about at breaking point at the moment. So, whilst I found this story amusing, it's also very possible it could all happen in our healthcare system. Understaffing, mixed with not enough money to buy the necessary equipment, could easily lead to someone experiencing the things Dorothy does.

*Starv* I love the ending! This is written about the doctor: "As he departed the cubicle, the doctor patted Dorothy's tender ankle, and he jumped when she shrieked." This made me laugh out loud. Again, I can totally see this happening. That's what makes it so funny.


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Parting Comments


This is a really entertaining story, which is well written and engaging at all times. I felt bad for Dorothy, but it was amusing to see the farce as it unfolded. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
469
469
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* Oh, this is so funny! You have been really clever in the way in which you've written this. You make sure the reader's focus is always on the cigarettes and the smoke. You even mention Marie's friend's husband being be to 'quit' after seeing this medical professional. Plus, you show Jim as being lazy and not wanting to have to walk any further than necessary. Then we get to the end, and all is revealed (so to speak).

*StarV* I love the surprise I felt when I reached the end and saw the punchline: "Dr. Anton Fartello. Gastrointestinal Medicine Flatulence Specialist." I laughed when I saw that. It was not what I was expecting at all. I can relate to poor Marie, though. I have a dog who could probably use an appointment with this guy! Knowing where Jim was going, I kind of felt for him a little, as well. It explains his reluctance to get out of the vehicle. I can imagine his embarrassment. I love this line: "No, YOU agreed I’d try. I‘m fine just the way things are." That is such a husband-y thing to say. I swear I've heard it a hundred times before!

*Starv* Our genre to review in today is 'Medical,' which I why I chose this story. I'm so glad this is today's genre. If not, I might never have come across this. It's made a pleasant change to some of the more serious medical essays I've read.


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Parting Comments


What can I say? I love this. I genuinely didn't see the ending coming, so when it did, I found it hilarious. It really appealed to my sense of humour. This is a great story, Winnie. I hope others pick up on it when they search for this genre today.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2126957 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
470
470
Review of Hello, Kitty!  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* This is a great, funny tale of a woman who just couldn't resist letting that one tuxedo cat into her life! I love how Foxy lifts her paw as if to knock at the door. Then, once inside, Gina falls in love with her and gives her a name almost instantly. That made me chuckle. My best friend loves cats and she would have done exactly the same thing. What really made me laugh here, though, is how Gina acts like it's the most natural thing in the world to adopt this cat who, let's face it, could've belonged to anybody.

*StarV* When Foxy had her litter of thirteen, Gina said, "Only one thing to do. Keep them." I laughed out loud at that skewed sense of logic.

*Starv* The end is hilarious. After weeks of having to deal with naughty kittens, Gina buys Hot Shot, a Huskie who could keep the kittens in check. Except, he and Foxy seem to fall instantly in love, and jump in bed together, ruining Gina's plans. I love this line: "Ohhhh, no! I do not want to see that kind of litter!"


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Suggestions


I would take out the comma in this sentence after rummaging: "evidence of rummaging, visible on my driveway." It doesn't sound right with the comma there. I had to re-read it a few times, to get it straight in my mind.

When Gina's friend visits her, you say the kittens, "nibbled on the milk." I would say the word nibbled relates to food. Maybe, you could say they, "lapped at the milk" instead.

Also, this line doesn't read very smoothly: "Even for her, who loved animals . . . " I don't think it's technically incorrect, but it just sounds a little off. Maybe you could say something like, "Even for my animal-loving friend . . . " instead.

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Parting Comments


I love the humour in this story. It reads as a little outrageous, but I can really imagine it being true. The cats are so cute, and I love the potential romance for Foxy and Hot Shot. You could write more stories about their adventures together. I would love to read those! This is a really entertaining story. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
471
471
Review of Derailed  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* I love your opening line. It's a great hook into the story, as you tell us there's a dead guy at your character's feet, and she's holding some mystery package he handed her before he died. One thing I wasn't sure about is how he died. I know there is blood pooling around him, but if he'd been shot or stabbed, you would think there would be more panic going on around him.

*StarV* I love the sense of panic you create surrounding your character. She is paranoid and sees everyone as a threat, even though she doesn't know what is in the package. This line really highlights her panic: "Now what, now what, now what?!" I could really feel the fear bubbling away in her. She is clearly a brave character, though, as she doesn't let go of the package, not even when the two raincoats try to follow her. I would have just ditched the package, personally.

*Starv* I love the speed at which this story moves. It's all very quick, and it builds up to the dramatic ending, where Catherine is caught and tied to a chair. By this point, we know there are papers with a lot of coding on them inside the brown aper package, but we don't know who Jerry was, or who the raincoats are. I was on the edge of my seat, reading this. Then, you left me hanging! You ended with Catherine, about to be interrogated over something she had no knowledge of. But, you didn't tell us anything more the characters or the papers. You left it all to our imagination, which I actually think is brilliant! Although, I do still want to know what was so dangerous. I think the ending you gave us is perfect, though. It's a great tease.


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Suggestions


A couple of typos I spotted: "we agreed on the near by Subway." Nearby should be one word. Also, you put a period here, instead of a comma: "a gunshot could be heard and. in the next second."

This line doesn't sound quite right: "I found everything but, even an old bubblegum stuck in its old wrapper, just no quarters." I would switch it to, "I found everything, even an old bubblegum stick, but no quarters." That makes more sense.


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Parting Comments


This is a really enjoyable story that kept me hooked the whole way through. I love how you end it without tying up all our questions. I have a few scenarios going through my mind. It's a really good idea for a story and a great take on the prompt you were given. I love it.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
472
472
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* Well. This is an odd story. But, it's written for the Weird Tales Contest, so it fits really well with that genre. When I first started to read, I had no idea where the story would go. I thought the rats would make a break for freedom, biting the scientist and turning him into a giant man-rat. But, instead, you took a much less obvious route, and I really like that.

*StarV* I love the image this story creates of a mad scientist, clipboard in hand, obsessing over his rats and the possibility of immortality. I didn't realise it was his wedding day until quite a way into the story. If I was his bride, I wouldn't have been very happy that he'd chosen to work right up until the wedding. But, Gertrude loved him for all his crazy, intense scientist tendencies.

*Starv* I didn't realise he had actually died until the very end. I thought he had some kind of superpower, or something. I was willing him to turn up at the church and not let his bride down. When we found out he was a ghost I really felt for Gertrude. But, it made me like him a lot more, as he was determined not to let his bride down.


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Suggestions


I spotted this typo: "It was if he ripped himself . . . " You missed out as in between was and if.

Also, at the end, you write, " Her flowers slipped nervously from her fingers . . . " Flowers don't have emotions. They can't feel nervous, and they can't slip nervously. I know you mean Gertrude was nervous and dropped her flowers, but writing this stands out a being wrong. Maybe, you could say something like, "Taking a step back, she let her flowers drop to the floor."


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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this. The humour in it is just right, as are the descriptions of the ghostly scientist and his rats. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
473
473
Review of Final Goodbye  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* Oh wow! You have just wrung my heart out with this story. I kind of forgot the title as I began reading, so when Helena became ill with Alzheimer's, it was a shock. And so sad. Building up to that point, though, you tell a beautiful story of love. It's really heartwarming. I love the little things, like Sam's clammy hands when he's waiting at Helena's door for their first date.

*StarV* I think it's clever how you made Helena a neurosurgeon, which made her illness all the more poignant.

*Starv* I love how Helena has this last moment of lucidity, and seeing her recognise Sam to say her final goodbye is so emotional. Especially, when the light in her eyes goes out. I hadn't realised until the very end that Helena was in a care home. It was inevitable, though. One person can't care for someone in the advanced stages of the disease on their own.

*StarV* I had a cousin who died from Alzheimer's when she was just forty-six, so this piece has really touched me. You've done a great job with showing how devastating the illness can be, and yet, also showing how there are brief moments when the person underneath the illness comes through. The part where you mention having trouble swallowing is one of the scariest things to witness.


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Parting Comments


I usually make a few suggestions at this point, but there's not a single thing I would change about this. You tell a whole life story in just over a thousand words, and you break the reader's heart along the way. I really like this, Webbie. It's a beautiful piece of writing.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2129600 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
474
474
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* I really enjoyed reading this. I love how Alice is meeting a prostitute to get her to seduce her husband, so she can be free of him because a divorce will be granted. She has even changed her name, to try to cover her tracks. Although, presumably, the prostitue knows who she is because she knows who her husband is.

*StarV* I liked the humour in this story. The whole concept is funny. I wonder what the husband has done to make his wife hate him that much. Perhaps, it's his boring fascination with steam power. I liked the way you included the disbelief that steam power could possibly take off. The motor vehicles only being for ambulances and police cars is a nice touch, as well.

*Starv* This line made me chuckle: " I thought maybe I could divorce my husband and get a cute new haircut." Alice's obsession with her hair is brilliant.

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Suggestions


I didn't really understand why Alice shot the policeman. I would have waited to see what he wanted. Was it the fear of being caught talking to a prostitute? I was shocked when Alice did this. I wan't expecting it. The story took on a whole new direction at that point.

At the end, when Wilbur is waiting for Alice, he says, "I would have proposed that we run the racket here before now." What racket is he referring to? I was a bit confused by that part. It also seemed like another strange direction for Wilbur to go straight to suggesting they rob banks. Especially, as they don't have motor vehicles to get away. That whole paragraph seems like a different story. I appreciate there is a word limit on this piece, but if you extended it, I think it would make a lot more sense. I'm not saying I don't like the bank robbing suggestion, just that it would be good to see how it works.


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Parting Comments


This is a story full of surprises. There are twists and turns all over the place, and it's a great way of keeping the reader interested. I enjoyed it immensely.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
475
475
Review of The Closet  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* The title and brief description drew me to this story. The closet is something that can be scary for many children, as it's the second place (after underneath the bed) that childhood monsters lie in wait. So, you did a great job of hooking me. Once in, I had to keep reading to find out what was going on in Laura's closet. Honestly, I'm still not sure. I think it must have been some kind of poltergeist or other monster that got caught in Laura's invention.

*StarV* The way you show Laura as being jumpy and telling her dad she might need him in the night, along with how she hasn't slept in that room for seven years, tells the reader that something bad is about to happen. In the end, I would have liked a little more drama, because the build up is so big, but I don't know whether there was a word limit to this, or not.

*Starv* I love that Laura has spent her time inventing a personal protection system, specifically to protect her from the monster in the closet. That's a nice touch. And it worked! It did catch the monster. I couldn't help but wonder whether anyone else had slept in Laura's room in the last seven years, and whether they saw anything?


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Suggestions


My only suggestions is what I said above. I felt the ending didn't quite live up to the rest of the story. It didn't detract from my enjoyment, though. It's a very entertaining read.

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Parting Comments


As always, your writing is beautiful. I love reading through your work, and this piece did not disappoint. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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