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2,186 Public Reviews Given
2,205 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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451
451
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ShiShad Author Icon

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This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window., and it is also part of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..


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What I liked


*StarV* This is a really interesting and unique story. I was intrigued by your title and brief description. I wanted to know how Brian was different and what kind of flight he would be taking in the night. I hoped for some kind of magic, and that is exactly what you gave me. You start out by telling your readers that Brian was born on February 29th . That's a great way to establish his difference from other people.

*StarV* I did wonder what it was about Brian being twelve that made this suddenly start happening. Or, did it happen before, and he didn't remember afterwards? Your first description of his floating experience sucks the reader right inside the story: "He felt weightless as he rose up off his bed for the first time." Immediately, I wondered what was happening. Was he dying in his sleep? Was he dreaming? Or was it some kind of magic? As it happens, I think it was the latter. Whilst floating in mid air, he travels through his parents room, and on to his school. When he gets there, he finds it burning, but he is unaffected by the smoke. It's interesting that he urged himself to wake up at this point, and he was able to. Which made me think it was a dream. But then, his mom tells him the school burned down last night. So, I don't know.

*StarV* This is such a cool idea for a story. I would love to see how it develops. Does Brian figure out how to control where he goes and what he sees? Does he learn how to change bad things that happen? There's so much you could do with this story. So many possibilities.


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Suggestions


I thought this ended a little abruptly, if I'm honest. One minute, Brian is telling his mom he floated through town and saw the school burn down in his sleep (which his mom believes without question!), and then it feels like life goes straight back to normal. It's no big deal. He'll just eat his breakfast and carry on. I did find it odd how his mom believed him straight away. She didn't think he was dreaming, which I would have done. There was no resistance to this magical story.

The other thing I want to say is just watch you lack of capital letters after speech. There are a few sentences that you end with periods, then don't capitalise the first letter of the next sentence. For example, "'Come on, now dear, your breakfast is almost ready.' his Mom said ..." Actually, I would use a comma instead of a period here, and then you wouldn't need to capitalise.

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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this story. it's unlike any other I've read on here. I think there is so much potential, should you ever want to expand. I can imagine all kinds of adventures Brian could have. Great job.

Choconut

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452
452
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Andie Author Icon

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window., and it is also part of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* This story is a wonderful depiction of a soldier named Gabe Horton. Firstly, I love your descriptions of him. His unruly, red hair (thanks to his Irish ancestors) is brilliant. He seems like a quiet, thoughtful man, who probably hates being at war more than most. He comes across as someone who loves his family, and I think he would much rather be with them than leading his troop onwards.

*StarV* What I love most about this story is that it could be any war in any time period. You don't tell the reader where it is set (at least, I didn't pick up on it, if you did). I tried to figure out if the radios were a clue to when it was, but I don't have enough knowledge to say. But I like that because it means the soldier's experience is universal. It is applicable and relatable to anyone fighting any war at any time.

*StarV* I love how the radio signal is lost just as some big announcement is about to happen. So the sargent and his soldiers don't know what to do. I really hoped the war would be over, but you didn't tell us. That's so clever because it highlights the uncertainty and fear that military personnel must go through on a daily basis. It's right that we don't know what lies ahead for the soldiers because they don't know.


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Suggestions


I wasn't sure about the paragraph that you repeated; the one that begins: "The man known as Gabriel Horton rearranged his cap ..." When I first came across this the second time, I thought maybe my page had moved without me realising (it happens!), so I scrolled back up to check. It brought me right out of the story, and when I went back to it, I couldn't work out why you had done it. I'm sure there is a reason, but I just couldn't figure it out.

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Parting Comments


This is a great portrait of a man with a huge responsibility. It's so relevant when you look at world events today. It would have been equally relevant in the 1940s. It's interesting, and it put me inside Gabe Horton's boots for a little while, and I felt for him. Nice job.


Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tim Chiu Author Icon

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What I liked


*StarV* When I saw in your brief description that this poem is about Vegas, I had to read. Vegas is on my bucket list, and it's one I will check off in the next couple of years. As I first read through, I loved your sense of humour. I love how you start out by saying you're worried because you're going to have to rely on your self control to stop you from losing big. I can imagine that would be a huge worry for me, as well. However, as I read on, it seems it was your friend who should have been worried; not you.

*StarV* I assume this is based on a true story? It reads as though it is. These lines are fantastic. They truly hooked me into your holiday story: "But the minute we got there, my friend had to play / A game known as craps, and he had things his way." I can imagine the excitement of stepping into the bubble of Vegas and being unable to resist the craps table. Your description of yourself as being "squeamishly timid" works really well, too. It made me chuckle.

*StarV* "We went to some shows and some so-so buffets, / And marked the beginning of those hot summer days." Vegas is famous for those so-so buffets, so this description created a great picture. I imagine lobster left out on tables at room temperature and piles of steaks and warm salads. I love how you mention the "hot summer days" here, as it places the reader right on the Strip, basking in the sunshine, with shiny, happy people all around.

*Starv* I love the last verse! It's my favourite of the whole poem. The way you say that you didn't lose all your money to the casinos, so you could afford to eat when you got home, really made me smile.

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Suggestions


On the whole, the rhythm and rhyme works really well. There's just one place it seems a little off: "I just stayed alert for signs of real trouble ..." It does fit with the flow of the poem, but the first time I read it, I stumbled over it a little. I think it's the word just. Maybe, something like, "So I stayed alert ..."?

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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's funny, well written, and the rhythm is fantastic. The rhyme scheme of aabb, etc. gives the poem a great pace. Great job.

Choconut

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Review of Crazy Out Of Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Georgina Elise Author Icon

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window., and also part of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..


*Balloonv**Balloonv**Balloonv*
What I liked


*StarV* This poem caught my eye with your title and brief description. I have quite a lot of experience in this area, so I was interested to read your words. I found it an emotional read, I have to say. The way you capture the rollercoaster of emotions. The way one moment, things are good and your partner has changed for the better, then you discover (to your cost) that they really haven't changed at all. I could relate to that. You just keep wanting to believe they've changed. But people like that don't.

*StarV* I love free verse poetry, and although this has an abcb rhyme scheme throughout, it still has the feeling of a free verse poem. I like how you centred it on the page as this highlights the varying lengths of each verse. I felt that the unevenness of line lengths mirrored the turmoil of emotions the narrator was experiencing. I'm not sure if you did that on purpose (I think you did) but it works really nicely.

*StarV* The verse that begins, "You told me you were wrong," is the most emotional for me. These lines brought back so many memories: "I let you cradle my body, / Even though it hurts." I also love the ending. The last line is wonderful: "Sometimes to survive in love, you must let go." So true. Once you finally realise this, you really can start to move on.


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Suggestions


There are only a couple of places I'm not sure about. "But you were raged in blinded youth." I'm not really sure what that means. Perhaps it could be a little clearer. Also, this line, I felt was a little cliche: "Smoke, mirrors, in opaque haze." I'm not sure it really fits in the poem.


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Parting Comments


I really like this poem. It's written with passion and emotion, and it certainly brought back some memories to me. But, the end is positive and, although it brought back those memories, it reminded me how far I've come. I'm really glad I came across this poem of yours. It's beautifully written. Great job.


Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi iluvhorses Author Icon

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window..

I found this piece of prose when I was perusing your portfolio as part of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. As soon as I read it, I had to offer this review.

*StarV* Your writing is absolutely beautiful; as is the story. I note one of the genres you've chosen is 'Experience,' so I assume this is based on real events. It certainly reads as though it is. There is a passion and warmth that can only come from things that mean a great deal to us. It's a joy to read.

*StarV* I love how the whole piece is filled with love. The feeling of togetherness and joy that Christmas brings extends to the hospital, where your friend is really ill. But, the illness is made better (for that hour of carol singing, at least) when friends and other patients and staff come together to praise Jesus's birth through song. It's such a heartwarming picture. I really hope your friend is doing better now. She sounds like an incredible lady.

*Starv* I love your last paragraph. This line, in particular, evokes a nostalgic feeling inside me: "As I drove home the streets were quiet in that particularly unique way that they are late in the evening on Christmas Eve." I know exactly the kind of quietude you write about. You continue to write about the twinkling white lights, and it's just a lovely scene. Really peaceful.

I'm so glad I peeked into your port for this challenge. This is a heartwarming story. It's beautifully written. Great job!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi mikema63 Author Icon

*Dragon2**BurstB*Welcome to the Spring Into Fantasy Raid hosted by the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.*BurstB**Dragon2*


*StarG* I found your short story on the Power list of items to review. Your title intrigued me, and I had to take a look. As I first read through, I found myself laughing the whole way through. You write comedy so well. At the same time, you give your readers two characters who (even though they should be nasty) are really endearing.

*StarG* I love the friendship of Erik and Grok. They have stuck together through all kinds of trouble, like being expelled from their tribe. I love how Grok looks out for Erik, despite his crazy-clumsiness. Erik's character is the true star of the show, though. He tries so hard to be a good orc, even though he possesses none of the required skill set. He stabbed himself with the fork at breakfast! He's just so clumsy. I think I like him so much because I can totally relate to his frustration with himself.

*Starg* I love your description of Bobert's voice when the orcs first meet him. "Bobert’s voice gurgled like irritable swamp bubbles." That's great! It tells us everything we need to know about this goblin.

*StarG* On the whole, you use quite a few was-es in your writing. For example, your opening lines: "The smell of blood was in the air. This was because Erirk had gotten a nosebleed due to an altercation with his breakfast cutlery, and it was difficult for him to smell much else." By using this passive tense, you immediately put a barrier between you and your readers. You tell the story instead of showing it. If you changed it to something like this, it would be more immersive: "Erik's senses filled with the metallic scent of blood. After his fight with the breakfast cutlery, his nose had barely stopped bleeding."

*Starg* I have a few a few other things I would change slightly:
*BulletG* "They came into a small room with chairs and a potted man eating plant." You need some punctuation here to make this clearer. When I first read it, I got a potted man who was eating a plant. I would write, "potted, man-eating plant."
*BulletG* Tiffany. I appreciate he is actually male, and Erik and Grok initially think he's female, but when you first refer to him, you say, "He had the sort of manic grin ..." Then, the next time, you say, "Her smile tightened ..." which led me to think the previous he was a typo. Then, we learn he is male. But, this all confuses the reader, and in doing that, it brings them out of the story because they're trying to figure out what they just read.
*BulletG* " ... the Brightly capped goblin ..." I'm not sure why you capitalised the B.
*BulletG* "Bobert was dressed in Goblin kinds highest fashion." I would put a hyphen between Goblin and kinds. You also need to put an apostrophe, like this "Goblin-kind's."

*Starg* This is a really enjoyable story. As I said, I love your characterisation of Erik and Grok. They are really appealing. Your humour works brilliantly. I love the story with Erik and the bear. That one really made me laugh out loud. Great stuff! Really enjoyable.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear ♥HOOves♥ Author Icon

*Dragon2**BurstB*Welcome to the Spring Into Fantasy Raid hosted by the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.*BurstB**Dragon2*


*StarG* I found this poem on the list of Power items for the raid, and I had to review it. I read it the other day when voting for Quills winners. It really stuck in my mind because it made me laugh, laugh, and then laugh some more! I love it.

*StarG* I'm ashamed to say I don't know whether this is an actual Irish legend, or something created purely by Hooves. It's a great story, either way. I really felt for this bull with ideas of bettering himself.

*StarG* Stylistically, it's perfect. The rhyme gives the poem a fast paced, flowing, story-like feel to it. When I first read it, I was waiting to see what would happen at the end, just like I would in a story. I'm so glad the bull got his happy ending. Yay for the Princess!

*StarG* I'm trying to pick my favourite part, but it's hard because I just love the way the poem works as a whole. But, I do love these lines: "From Cork to Connemara, / past many lads and some colleens." I think it's your use of the word colleens that does it for me. It's creative, and works brilliantly.

This is a fab poem, Hoovesie. It's entertaining, funny, and I really felt for that bull by the end. Have you thought about entering it into the Story Poem Contest? (You might have already done that. Ignore me, if you have.)

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Snitch Train  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi ♥HOOves♥ Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "The Snitch TrainOpen in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments. This review is part of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My first impressions: I was intrigued by your title. After reading the story, I have to say, it's a great choice. It details exactly what the story is about. The 'magical' snitch train that holds all kinds of treasures for those who board it. As I first read through, I found myself feeling really sad. When the true identity of the train became apparent, I went cold. It's horrific.

Plot: I'm not sure whether the narrator is in a concentration camp or some kind of slave labour camp during World War II. Either way, they are incarcerated and have no freedom. There is a train that comes to take inmates away to, "an exciting outdoor camp." In this wonderful camp, they will be able to spend time with others like them. There will be, " great food, exercise and plenty of time in the open air, away from the city." It's horrific because we all know these trains really existed, and they really did promise all kinds of opportunity and freedom for the poor souls they took to their death. The way you describe it kind of reminds me of the way we tell young children their puppy has "gone to stay on a farm" when really they have died. The same innocence is reflected here. I'm not sure whether, in this case, the train is taking them to be executed, or to work as slaves because you say, "Of course, the first to go would be the stand-outs, the all-stars, the favourites." I don't know whether these people would have been seen as presenting danger, and so killed first, or whether they would have been utilised as labour. The part I don't know a lot about is the snitching aspect. Were prisoners really asked to snitch on other prisoners, and then executed themselves because they were untrustworthy? I imagine that is true.

What I really liked: The story is shrouded in darkness. I love the way your narrator starts to keep their own list, even though they are not snitches. Their list, however, contains the names of those who wronged them. When you mention Nuremberg, I imagine this person's list is saved for the Nuremberg Trials. I imagine it being used to get justice.

There are lots of lines that stand out in this story. But these two are the ones that really made the hairs stand up on my arms: "Bullies kill other people in their minds, sometimes." Wow. That is so true. Not just for this story, but in general. I love this. Also, "Control has a way of shifting over time, more like a pendulum than anything." I love this. Karma, is the word that comes to mind.

Final thoughts: This is a thought-provoking story that is horrific in the way it's both brutal and true. Every word is underlined with evil and darkness. It's so well written, and such a unique idea for a story. I really like it, Hooves. It's a great story.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Jellyfish is in Tenerife! 🌴 Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E]. This is your last review as part of 👼intuey's raffle.

My first thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this story. I love how you build the sexual tension throughout, and by the end, the reader is rooting for Cleo and Santi to get it on. I'm so happy they did!

Plot: This is the tale of two actors—Cleo and Santi— who are taking part in a play together. They have a sizzling sexual chemistry, and you lay this bare, for the reader to see throughout every line of the story. The only problem is Cleo is pushing forty, but Santi is mid-twenties. I must admit, I wasn't sure why this was a problem, so I was happy when Santi said he didn't care. I love how you throw in the couple of chorus girls who hang around Santi, hoping for any scraps he might throw them. It gives the reader cause for doubt. We wonder whether Santi might sleep with one (or both) of them and blow Cleo off. But he didn't.

Characters: Cleo is a great character. Her insecurities about her age made me think of lots of possible outcomes for this story. The way you had Santi almost die on stage at the beginning (with lots of fake blood over him) made me think maybe Cleo would kill him in a jealous rage. I'm glad you showed Santi to be a good guy, though. Despite the temptations of the girls who sipped "their alcopops out of straws," he wanted to be with Cleo. I like him.

Grammar: I spotted a couple of issues (I appreciate you wrote this a couple of years ago, so it may well be you have already fixed these things). When you write a piece of dialogue and put a speech tag after it, don't capitalise the first letter of that tag. So, for example, "'“Five minute call, Cleo,' He said." It should be he. Don't forget, always use commas either side of names. ("Jesus Cleo, you PLAY my Aunt.") This one is more specific. You missed a comma after the second drink. "I could match him, drink for drink and I always liked those nights."

This part confused me: "I don’t know whether Ashleigh appreciated the innuendo although a look from him suggested that he had understood." I had to read this a few times, and I'm still not entirely sure I understand. Ashleigh is a girl, so if you're saying Ashleigh understood the look, it's a typo to say he. Or, do you mean Santi understood the look? In which case, I would rewrite this line to give more clarity.

What I liked: I love the story. I love your characters. They are beautifully written, and I liked them both very much. I love the ending. It's everything I hoped for. Specifically, I love this description, when Santi first kisses Cleo: "When he pulled away I felt like he had taken all my breath with him." That's lovely. So relatable. There's something innocent and fresh about it, and I found that really appealing.

Suggestions: I have one suggestion. Watch your was words. You have used quite a few of them, and it gives the narrative a passive voice. Try to find stronger, more descriptive verbs. So, for example, this line could be changed: "He was standing closer to me than was necessary - it was almost winter and the beer garden was not full, but I did not step back." Something like, "Outside, Santi stood so close I could feel his body heat. Despite the frost nipping at my nose and ears, my core radiated warmth." Obviously, in your own words, as mine are not the best.

I really enjoyed reading this. It's a great story with characters who stand out. A great read!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jellyfish is in Tenerife! 🌴 Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.. This is your second review as part of 👼intuey's raffle.

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is so emotive. The title, which serves as your first line, says everything. "Do not send them to war." I love how this flows through the whole poem, as the first line of each verse, because it is the important message you wish to convey. And it works. I can relate to the sense of unease and sadness at the wars we continually find ourselves in. Based on a bunch of lies, a lot of them. So I found this poem very powerful.

Voice/Tone: The voice is your own. It's clear that you are expressing your own opinions here. The tone of the poem is one of exasperation, in a way. You sound perplexed as to why we keep sending our troops to other countries. At the same time, you are angry and seem to be seeing the situation a lot more clearly and evenly than our politicians.

Mechanics: There are five quatrains, all with an abcb rhyme scheme. This works really well to make the poem flow without hitch. It gives the poem a wonderful, natural rhythm. There are no bumps in it, which I love.

My Favourite Part: These lines are particularly poignant: "The terror on an endless loop. / This game's been played too many times." That is spot on. The terror to which you refer, I think, is partly the acts of terrorism which supposedly make war necessary. But, more than that, it's the terror that the media and our politicians hold over us; the citizens. We are constantly told how much danger we are in and that we should be afraid of everyone who looks different to us. That is the true terror.

This poem is powerful and well thought-out. I love how you have remained respectful of our troops, whose bravery is incredible. It's the politicians who are at fault. Politicians and media, I think. I love this poem, Jenny. Really love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Dark Horse  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jellyfish is in Tenerife! 🌴 Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.. This is the first of your reviews from 👼intuey Author Icon's Raffle.

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: My very first thought: I love this! As soon as I read it in "Shadows and Light Poetry ContestOpen in new Window., I was sold. I knew I had to review it and I knew it would do well in the contest *Wink*. This poem is one I can relate to a lot. I love how your depression is a dark horse, rather than a dog. This is a great way to show how huge and powerful it is. I also find it interesting how you sound almost fond of your dark horse. It's like your friend as well as your foe, and I think most people who have suffered for any amount of time will know how true this is.

Voice/Tone: The tone is not as dark as it might have been. But that's not a bad thing. If we didn't know it was about depression, it would be easy to take it on the face value as a poem about a girl and her friend. But, of course, we do know it's about depression. Which gives it an air of sadness. The end, where you say, "He dreams of a way out," is interesting. I think you are saying that even your depression can't stand the depth of your illness sometimes.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, but there are end-of-line rhymes which help to give it a wonderful rhythm. It reads really smoothly.

My Favourite Part: These two lines, I find really emotional: "He walks with an unassuming gait, / His hooves heavy with his weight." This actually brought a lump to my throat.

Suggestions: This isn't a suggestion so much as a question. I love the whole poem, but these three lines confuse me a little: "As I dream of wicked things, / Cold beneath the sheets / I do not doubt," I wonder what the wicked things you refer to are? Are they nightmares? Also, who is "beneath the sheets"? Is it you or the horse? Or both of you? Are you cold because your depression makes you feel things less? Or, am I reading way too much into this?

I really enjoyed reading this poem, Jenny. You have written it beautifully. I found it really relatable, and very poignant. It's a really great poem.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of THE CHAMBER  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Robert Hayes Author Icon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.

Please remember these views are purely my own and that any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I was intrigued by your title and brief description. I don't think I've read any other poem quite like this one. It's a narrative from the point of view of a prisoner on death row, and it's a great reflection on life on The Row. I love how you make the prisoner human. He isn't some kind of monster. He's simply a person who made a terrible mistake. (I don't know what he actually did, so it is possible he really is a monster, but he seems normal.)

I love how you take us from the beginning of his sentence, through to his last meal before the execution. When you mention the straps on the gurney, I went cold. That image of someone lying there, being strapped down so they can have their life taken away makes me shudder. I appreciate some crimes are so heinous they deserve this, but it's still a horrible image.

Voice/Tone: The tone of the poem is one of regret and resignation. The prisoner isn't blaming anyone other than himself. He accepts his fate. It's like he has no fight left in him by the end. I love that his very last thought is, "Please forgive me." The image of him eating his last meal, knowing it is his last night on earth, is chilling. But he's so calm. I also think the part where you mention another prisoner being executed is is really nice. That prisoner's mother watches the execution, and you write, "Heartbroken and worn, she quickly departs / The shame that she feels, rips her apart." This is a great reflection on how it's not just the criminal who suffers because of this. Another mother has lost her child forever.

I have a question. These lines confused me a little: "The chamber and I, we have history / It claimed my father, my mother to." Do you mean literally, or in the sense that his parents are losing their child, too?

Mechanics: This poem has an aabbcc, et. rhyme scheme throughout. This is a great way to have the poem move along at a fast pace. It feels like it kind of mirrors how quickly the twenty years on death row have passed.

Rhythm: The rhythm, in general, works well, and this is largely due to the rhyme scheme. There are a couple of places where the meter was slightly different, and this made me go back over the lines again. For example, these lines seem to have too many syllables, or perhaps the stresses are in different places: "The silence is piercing, yet another goodbye / To the chamber, he goes, he tries not to cry."

My Favourite Part: I love the theme. I love the sympathy with which you write the prisoner's character. I love the part with the other prisoner's mother. That's so moving. I love these lines: "Slowly I walk, four guards by my side / My final destination comes into sight." It's hard to imagine how that must feel, but it makes me feel uneasy. It's so well written.

Suggestions: I have a few punctuation/spelling suggestions. Your to/too usage is a bit mixed up. "It claimed my father, my mother to." It should be too. "Too all that I've wronged," should be to. In this line, I would put a semi colon after guilty: "Guilty the verdict they just read." The only other thing is you missed out the period at the very end.

This is a great poem. So different to those I normally read, and really thought-provoking. I love your writing style. It appeals to me very much. You are one to watch!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Gold Rush  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Jeff Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E].

My first thoughts: I was intrigued by your title and brief description. As I first read through, I could imagine this meeting really taking place. The first thing I noticed, though, was the fantastic opening line. "The President and Prime Minister stood side by side in the hotel suite, looking out over the gray waters of the Zambezi River." Perfect is the best word to describe this line. It gives a wonderful picture to the reader of the two, suited politicians and the poor environment in which they are meeting. As I continued reading, I was intrigued by the First Secretary, who seemed to be the mastermind behind the whole lie. This story pulled me right inside it. I was staring at at the gray waters of the Zambezi with them. And I stayed right there until the end.

Plot: This is one scene. Set in Mozambique, the First Secretary of the Tete Province has called a meeting with the President and Prime Minister. The reason: she has set in motion a Gold Rush to mirror the California Gold Rush of the 1840s/50s. Her plan is that, like the California Gold Rush, it will draw hundreds of thousands of prospectors to the area, thus, forcing increased and better infrastructure. It matters not that there is no gold there. All they need to do is perpetuate a few stories of people who have struck rich, and people will flood the area. A clever idea, and one which the two big politicians agree to. What I am unsure about is whether the First Secretary is doing this for the good of the area.

Characters: The First Secretary is the really interesting character here. I suspect she isn't making these changes purely to do good and to improve the area. Any improvements that happen, she will happily take all the glory for. I think she is also rather keen to have a few more pennies in her own purse. I love how she is so confident of her plan that she has already put it into place before she meets the president and prime minister. I think she is a persuasive woman who knows exactly what weaknesses others have, and she works with that. I imagine she always gets what she wants.

What I liked: I love this line: "'Gold.' The First Secretary’s eyes glittered as she mentioned the precious metal." This is a clever way of highlighting how much she wants to get rich from this. I love it. I also love all of your descriptive writing. You set a great scene. This description stood out to me: "a line of vehicles snaked from the security checkpoint on the main road all the way back to where visibility disappeared around a bend more than a mile back." It's such a great visual. It's so easy to get lost in your story.

Suggestions: I spotted one typo: "Once a few fortune early settlers struck gold and made a fortune . . . " It should be fortunate.

This is a fantastic story about how politicians plot and lie and deceive their people in order to get get more money and notoriety for themselves. Although it's set in Africa, I'm sure it could be set anywhere. Politicians, in general, have this mindset. It's a really great story, Jeff. I loved it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Legerdemain Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E].

My first thoughts: I love your title. It's a great hook into your story. Your brief description also intrigued me. As my husband has Irish descendants, I was interested to read where this story would go. My hubby actually has a couple of shillelaghs! As I first read through this story, I found myself with a smile on my face the whole time. I love your humour. It really appeals to me.

Plot: This is a story with a moral at the end of it: Do not take what isn't yours. It's a tale of how a few good manners go a long way. A leprechaun walks into a bar . . . he has with him a shillelagh; a magical, wooden stick. The shillelagh is his, and that is important. A greedy man, who is known for not paying his bar tabs, comes in next and instantly gets the leprechaun to buy him a drink. He then takes the shillelagh, even though he has been told not to. The shillelagh takes on a life of its own and cracks the greedy man on the head, before going back to the leprechaun. The whole scene with Rusty being smacked on his head is so funny. I could picture him, hopping from foot to foot, shouting, and the stick hitting him over and over. At the end of the story, I don't think Rusty has learned his lesson.

Characters: I love the leprechaun. He is very laid back and cool. He tells Rusty not to take the shillelagh, but doesn't physically try to stop him. I love this description of him when he first arrives: "He was a tall leprechaun as far as leprechauns go, not as short as the cobbler-type, but a taller type like one who goes about the business of teaching the jig." I love that! I could hear it being said in an Irish accent, as well.

Miche, the bar tender, seems a little depressed, or maybe, fed up with his life. I love how he is in on the conspiracy with the leprechaun. I think he's probably seen this happen many times before.

Rusty is a well-written character. He enters the scene and the readers instantly dislike him. He is greedy, selfish, and probably tries to con people quite a lot.

What I liked: I love how much this made me laugh. I love the Irish (Gaelic?) words. They add to the overall Irish-ness of the story. I really could hear an Irish voice narrating it, and it's such a lovely accent. This line is a fantastic description: "Rusty laughed a great belly laugh loosened by the ale." Brilliant.

I really enjoyed reading this story. It's funny, original, and has a great philosophy at its heart. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sophy Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Chili By CandlelightOpen in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: The first thing I have to say is what a fab job you did with including all of those quotes. Some of them are really obscure, but you slotted them in and they felt completely natural—even the broomstick quote! This is a really enjoyable story that is packed with lots of laughs and some lovely moments also. As I first read through, I had a smile on my face the entire time. I loved it.

Plot: Ray and Laura settle down for their evening meal with a bowl of chilli. Our first glimpse of Laura shows her as being moody, snappy, and nasty to Ray. I have to admit I didn't like her. However, we learn pretty quickly there was a good reason for her mood. Ray, when we first meet him, comes across as the joker of the family; the one who can't stand tense, serious situations, so always tries to turn everything into a joke. This would really annoy me. But, Ray grows on me, as well as Laura. He shows his more serious, grown up side, and I like it.

Laura has news for Ray. She is pregnant, and it's completely unplanned and unexpected. She tells Ray, and his response is dreadful. Falling back on his joke-making tactics, he says, "Is it mine?" I thought Laura was going to thump him. Is there any worse response he could have made? Shortly after this faux-pas, there is a huge bang, and the couple dive under the table for safety. Ray covers Laura, protecting his wife and unborn child. This is where Ray became more likeable to me. I had forgotten that they were eating chilli and that your brief description said they were having explosive evening, so it came as a surprise. I wondered what or who it could be. When it turned out to be exploding chilli, I really laughed.

What I really liked: I love the part at the end when Ray tells Laura it will be okay. He becomes the protective, loving partner she needed in that moment. It is really nicely written. I also loved the numerous laughs that fill this story. The chilli on the walls is a great visual. This line is really funny: "'MVKSL KJSEW KLLHWE KJSDJWER!' shouted Laura, her voice muffled by Ray’s sweater sleeve, which had found itself half-way down her throat." So funny.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I couldn't understand this line. "He sat down on his side of the table, and took a long drink of his beer. '... shut down by his wife, and he did drank,' he mused to himself." I'm not sure what you are saying here.

Final thoughts: This is a thoroughly enjoyable story. Your humour is brilliant, and I can honestly say I've never read another story about exploding chilli! Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi iKïyå§ama Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Death's TemptationOpen in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: This story hooked me in the very first line, where you say that Death comes in the form of a teenage boy. Right off, I was intrigued by this, and I had to read on. As I continued reading, I loved how you keep the reader guessing as to what is really happening. It's gripping, and I got lost on that ledge with your character.

Plot: This is the story of a woman who (we think) is standing on a ledge, contemplating ending her life. Enter: Death. A cheeky, mocking, slightly smelly, vampiric boy, with a creepy Cheshire Cat grin. I love the description of his teeth: "His teeth, so white against the black, seem to grow longer with feral intensity." The danger in the scene is palpable. The danger in him keeps the reader hooked. We don't know how the story will end. Will Samantha survive, or will he drag her off the ledge or persuade her to jump? I found myself holding my breath as Death and Samantha carried out their dance of courtship. It all feels inevitable, like she can't resist him. I thought she had given in and jumped with him in the paragraph that begins, "My clothes flutter in the wind like gossamer wings and fall to the earth below."

At the end, we learn that this was all a dream. However, it's not your usual character-wakes-up-it's- all-a-dream kind of story. In fact, when she wakes, it becomes eve more intriguing. It appears she is on active duty in a war. This is why she feels guilty, I think. The people she's killed, whether purposely or by accident, are haunting her. What is really interesting is how the companion in her tent is Death from her dreams. I wonder if he is the ghost of someone she killed, or maybe it's like she has PTSD. It's no wonder she feels that Death is all around her, when she is in the middle of a war zone. I'm sure many soldiers feel this way. In fact, if they don't feel it a little, I'm not sure they would be great soldiers.

What I really liked: I love the whole relationship between Samantha and Death. The suspense is so well defined. You've nailed it. I really like the double twist at the end, where she was dreaming, but the lad she is now with was also Death. Very clever ending.

Final thoughts: This is a really well written story, and you had me absorbed in it the whole way through. I felt for Samantha's character, and I understood the temptation of Death. A really great story.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Misplaced Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Beck Firing back up! Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Misplaced LoveOpen in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: The first thing to say is I really feel for Dante. He comes across as a sympathetic character, with his weakling body and lack of self confidence. Additionally, Chester is horrible! He is a nasty, little bully. He's always telling Dante he doesn't stand a chance with the girl of his his dreams; the beautiful Betsy. Your characterisation in this story is great, and that really stood out to me.

Plot: This is a story about a farmworker called Dante who is hopelessly in love with Betsy. Betsy walks by his farm twice a day, and he is desperate to get the courage to speak to her and ask her out. But she doesn't know he exists. Dante's co-worker, Chester is just mean. Constantly making fun of Dante and chiding him, he does nothing to help him approach Betsy. I was a little confused by this part: "You could have any other girl around here that you wanted." Chester says this to Dante after putting him down and telling him how undesirable he is. Also, after Dante has mentioned his small-boy body. So, why do all the girls want him?

What I really liked: Dante. He really grabbed my heart. Also, even though I didn't like Chester, you wrote his character really well. I thought the premise was interesting. I found myself rooting for Dante, and I felt really sorry for him at the end.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just one typo: "Her soft, straight hair shown in the sunlight of the summer morning." I think it should be shone.

Suggestions: Rex kind of appeared from nowhere and stole Betsy right at the end. It would have been good to see more conflict at this point in the story. I thought she might have overheard what Rex said to Dante and fallen into Dante's arms, rejecting Rex. I appreciate it is flash fiction, but I guess I would have liked a little more resolution. Even a fight between Rex and Dante would have been good. I have a question. When Betsy approaches, we hear her cow bell. She's not a cow, is she? I'm thinking she's probably herding cows, but I just thought I'd check.

You mentioned a lot of names in this story. Seven, in just 552 words. The paragraph where you mention all the girls who like Dante, you could take most of that out, which would leave you more words at the end to elaborate.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed this story. You have created some great characters. Even Rex, who we only meet briefly, makes a big impression on the reader. It's a great tale of unrequited love. Great job.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Fyn Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Purple Christmas MagicOpen in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: I saw this story in the newsfeed, and when I saw the title, I couldn't resist. As I first read through, I got caught up in the whole magic of Christmas theme. It really does read as though it was a magical time. I think it's a wonderful idea; to sprinkle Christmas Magic over all the presents and through the house. It's a beautiful, heartwarming story. I had a smile on my face the whole way through. Really enjoyable. When I read the part at the end, where you say it's biographical, I thought how wonderful Christmases must have been in your house.

Plot: This is the story of a ten year old girl who thinks she is too old to believe in Santa Clause or to have her photograph taken with him at the mall. However, after much coaxing from her mother and grandmother, she goes to see Santa at the mall, and the gift she tells him she wants for Christmas (and how he manages to deliver on this) restores her faith that he is real. I love the scene on Christmas morning where Cara is so excited to see the purple magic. There is a letter that Santa has left for her, and all three children say it isn't their mother's handwriting. I love how you don't explain this in the story, leaving your readers to wonder whether it really was Santa who wrote it.

What I really liked: There are some great descriptions in here. I love the detail of the mother tucking the stray, blond curl behind her daughter's ear. It impresses on the reader the girl's youth, even though she feels she is too old for Santa. I also love the description of the mall when they first enter: "The mall was a chaotic swirl of excited kids, harried-looking moms, dancing Christmas lights, singing carolers and people everywhere!" I could hear the bustle of the mall. Also, the "harried-looking moms" is such a great visual. I could picture and feel the whole scene vividly.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just two minor points. " It could be seeing a deer in the woodsThey . . . " You missed the period and space here. Also, "He looked at her, peering over half-glasses and stroking a beard that had to be real!" I would put a period rather than an exclamation mark. Just my opinion.

Final thoughts: I loved reading this story. It's a lovely, family Christmas story, filled with warmth, happiness, and love. It has everything a good Christmas story should have. It's wonderful.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Moarzjasac Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "The White paper ChristmasOpen in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window. :

My first impressions: This story begins with a fantastic description of the start of peace time in Christmas 1945. Instantly, I was hooked. As I continued to read, it was so easy to put myself inside the story. All your descriptions are rich, and they paint a wonderful, warm picture of your family who—on the surface of it—had very little, but in the bigger scheme of things, they had everything they could possibly need. By the end, I had a tears in my eyes. The love and togetherness is so strong in this piece. It's absolutely beautiful.

Plot: I think this is probably written from your own personal experience, rather than being a story. It reads as part of your memoirs (which, if you haven't written, I'm sure would be really interesting). A family are relocating at the end of the Second World War. I want to quote this line, which is quite a long quote, but I couldn't cut any of it: "The exodus of just discharged service men from all over the country filled the two-lane roads from both coasts with box-shaped cars that wheezed and coughed their way painfully over mountains and across the high plains in the center of the country." This is so good! The cars coughing and wheezing is a description I've never encountered before. It feels fresh and unique, and I love it. The whole story is written in this way. The description of the journey in the car with the leaky, canvas roof and your entire family belongings packed inside is great. And the Christmas description is so heartwarming. Christmas was made entirely from your parents' ingenuity and love. What more could anyone need? It reminded me a little of my own parents. They would always rather make things themselves, than spend money on buying it.

What I really liked: The feeling of love. I can sense the feelings of nostalgia, in telling this story. This is the line that brought tears to my eyes: "Each night we would gather by the old potbelly stove, cuddle in its warm aura, with a tummy full of hearty stew and the knowledge of how much we were loved." That is so moving. Such happy memories.

Suggestions: Just a minor thing. You have the second, third, and fourth paragraphs all together, with no spaces between them. I would separate them out.

Final thoughts: Well, I think you have probably guessed I love this story. It's one of those stories that pulled me into it and held me tight until the end. It's beautifully written. Love it!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of Dear...  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ruwth Author Icon

I read your poem, "Dear...Open in new Window., when I was judging "Shadows and Light Poetry ContestOpen in new Window. last month, and I would like to offer this review as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This is such a positive poem. It really brought a smile to my face. This is written as a conversation with yourself. You set it up with you looking in the mirror, asking yourself questions that could provide you with answers for how to like yourself more. I love how you start out asking, "What would it take for you / to like me again?" This part is quite emotional. I can really relate to this conversation. I've asked myself the same questions time and again. When you get to the lines, "Will you please accept me / right where I am today?" I really felt moved. This turmoil of trying to like and accept yourself, when for so long it's been out of the question, is such a hard battle to overcome. People who have never been there wouldn't understand. I think it makes you a stronger person in the end, though.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: You say this poem was originally written as a letter, and that shines through in the poem. It gives a wonderful rhythm to the narrative. The poem is free verse, so there is no rhyme scheme, but I actually prefer free verse. I think it gives you the scope to be much more creative, and to pour emotions into your writing. I love that.

*StarG* What I really liked: I love the ending. These lines, in particular, "If you will, I am sure / we can build beautiful / tomorrows." I also love the, "Deal or no deal? / Deal!" at the end. This poem is so positive. Its message is that once you start to love yourself and treat yourself kindly, every aspect of your life is easier to deal with and improve. I think a lot of people could benefit from reading this, ruwth. I could imagine it being read at a motivational speech.

*StarP* Suggestions: This is only a tiny thing, and it may just be my preference. I'm not sure about the centering of the poem. I understand you've done this because it's a letter, and it does work. But, I just wonder if it would be more visually appealing if you left aligned it?

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a really well-written, emotional, clever poem. I really enjoyed reading it, and I really do think it should be read by many. I hope you are managing to build your beautiful days and to love yourself through all of them.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of The Darkness  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mouser Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "The DarknessOpen in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This is a poem of two parts. There is the wonderful description of what it's like to suffer from depression, and how it drags you down, snuffing out (almost) all hope of salvation. And then, there is the part of the poem where you say that although you are, "Shaky, weary and battered," you manage to fight your way out of the depths, and "Toward the light." At the end, you say that you know the beast has only withdrawn for now, and that it will return at some point. I guess, what I'm saying is this poem is a wonderful description of what it's like to live with the burden of depression. I could relate to every single word. I love how you show the reader how the pain is both mental and physical by saying, "With pain of body and soul."

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse, so there is no rhyme scheme. I love free verse poetry, especially in poems where emotion is a key component. So it works really well here. Each verse is slightly different in structure. I like this because it highlights the change in the contents of them. I love the repetition of "Losing . . . " at the end of the second verse. It hits home. If I'm honest, I didn't think the rhythm was completely smooth. It seemed to lack a little fluidity in places on my first read-through. After I'd read it once, though, it flowed much better.

*StarG* What I really liked: I love how you start and end the poem by saying the darkness is "always waiting." I also really like this part: "Most often it is only / A glimpse - / Out of the corner of my eye." That feeling of impending doom, of having the black dog on shoulder, is really moving. The image of light being drained by the monster is really nice, also.

*StarP* Suggestions: There are a couple of places where I would take out the commas. "With pain of body and soul," The following line begins with That, and there shouldn't be commas before this word. Also, "At last free," I wouldn't put a comma here either. It breaks up the flow a little.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a poignant poem about the struggles of depression, and it has some lovely images that are very relatable. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Anne Arthur Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E] Review Raid!

My first thoughts: Wow. That is my first thought. This is wonderful. Your writing style is warm and descriptive and, from the very first sentence, I was completely immersed in the story. When I read the line, "Stroking his thick, black mustache with his slim sun-browned hands, he nodded." I knew I was reading something really special. That "sun-browned hands" description is so vivid. I could see Stefan in my mind, and the description made me fall in love with your writing.

Plot: This is the story of a woman called Klara. It's a memoir, looking back at this woman's life, when she dies. The setting is a house that is too big for only the narrator's grandmother to live in, and so has to be split into more rooms for refugees and people who have lost everything in the war. The unity and the way these families all look out for one another is incredible. Although, this is written about a time of great pain and sorrow, it sounds like a wonderful place to be. They had little, yet they had so much. It kind of reminded me of 'The Book Thief' a little. I love that book, too.

Characters: This is told from the point of view of the granddaughter of the owner of the house. So everything we see is through her young, naive eyes. It's great to have a slightly unreliable narrator like this one. I think you actually see more truth this way. I love the way you portray all the characters. I love the relationship between the narrator and Klara. Her kindness shines through. I wonder whether she ever went on to have her own family. Could she even have children of her own? There is so much more I would love to know about this woman. About Stefan and everyone in the story.

What I liked: All of it! I love the way you pull your readers inside the story, with the intoxicating smells of baked apples and cinnamon and the image of the goose feathers flying every time someone opened the door. It all seems to innocent and loving and warm.

Suggestions: You may have already started to do this, but I think this could be turned into a whole book about this period in time and about Klara's life. I would read that, for sure.

You have probably guessed that I love this story. But, more than that, I love your writing style. It's welcoming and grabs the reader, then holds them tight until the end of the story. Plus, you actually leave us wanting more. I hope you do write more. I absolutely love this!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Tina McClintock Author Icon

I am happy to be reviewing you as part of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. [E] Review Raid!

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I wondered what would happen between your two characters: would they get back together in the end? Would Steve be telling the truth? Did Vera really want to go there again? I was glad when, in the end, they kissed. I feel Steve probably has a lot of making up to do, though.

Plot: This is the story of lonely woman, sitting in a coffee shop on her own on Valentine's Day. She's a little resentful of all the people around her, in couples, when she hasn't been in a relationship for the last fifteen years: ever since the love of her life, Steve, ran away from her at the altar. Enter: Steve. A voice says her name from behind her and she immediately knows it belongs to Steve. The story he comes up with for having left her at the altar is one, I have to be honest, I would not have believed. He says he was undercover with the FBI, and he had to leave for her own safety. Hmmm. Likely story, I would have thought. But he says he can prove this, by taking Vera to his office which just happens to be near by. Here is one of the problems I have. Vera lives and works near by. Steve, when he goes to the office, is known by everyone there, suggesting he's been working there for some time. So, how come they have never bumped into each other before? He says he was too afraid to approach her. So, what is different about this day?

Characters: Steve broke Vera's heart so badly, she hasn't had a relationship since. She even moved to Canada for a short while to escape her memories. Yet, when he shows up and tells unbelievable tales of undercover FBI work, she goes with him without hesitation. It just felt a little stretched, to me. I get that she still loves him, but it all seems a little too easy. It would be great to see a little more depth to the characters. Show us their feelings. Show us how shaky Vera is, how her whole world has been unsettled for the second time by this man. There is so much you could do with these two.

Grammar: Just a few typos. " . . . dressed to impress. it was too late . . . " You need to capitalise it. Also, " . . . why couldnt he be bald at least." Firstly, you need to put an apostrophe in couldn't. Also, you're asking a question, so you need to end the sentence with a question mark. The other thing is you change point of view in one place. The whole story is written in the third person, then you write, "'Wait, I can prove it!' He came after me. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around." This temporary switch to the first person is a little off-putting.

What I liked: Despite what I've written above, I love the line, "why couldnt he be bald at least." This made me laugh out loud. I think we've all been there when meeting an ex who you want to be not doing as well as you, then you see them looking beautiful. I also loved the premise for this story. I would love to know what happens next with them.

Suggestions: I know Steve is no longer working undercover for the FBI, but I still wasn't sure he would have been able to talk in so much detail about his role with them. Also, the way he says he worked on the recent serial killer case. Again, could he really talk so freely about this? I don't know. Maybe, just check it out.

This is an enjoyable story. I like how the couple kiss at the end. It's a nice ending. With a few tweaks, and a little more characterisation, I think it could be really great.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Dear Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Novaire Author Icon

I've just finished reading your short story, "Dear DadOpen in new Window., and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window.

My first impressions: This is incredibly moving. The scene between Connor and his friend, where you show all the feelings that go along with grief, is so accurate. I'm guessing, from your brief description, it is from your own personal experience? Whether it is or not, it's so very, very moving.

Plot: It's not really a plot, as such. Rather, this is a scene. Connor (who I think is late-teen/early twenties) has just lost his dad. He is feeling guilty because he doesn't believe he was a nice son to have. He feels guilty for all the times he didn't want to do things with his dad, for all the times he was moody, for all the times he acted like the teenager he was. This guilt can be crippling, can't it? It's funny how people have a tendency to focus on all the things they didn't do, and not all the wonderful, happy things they did do; all the times they were there for their loved ones. It's really hard to stop focussing on the bad things. But, in the end, if you want to get through your grief, you have to accept all of that stuff and let it go.

I love the interaction between Connor and his girlfriend. It feels natural and they seem—in spite of the situation—really comfortable with each other. Their intimacy is really heartwarming, and you've written this really well.

What I really liked: The brutal honesty of this piece. It can't have been easy to write, which makes the impact even greater. You have voiced the thoughts and worries of most people who suffer bereavement. I would recommend this for anyone who is feeling the things you describe. It might help them to know they are not alone.

Suggestions: The only place I wasn't sure about is this line: "She rested her chin on his shoulder, drawing one arm out from between his knees and body and bringing up to sit atop his head." I just couldn't visualise this. It didn't feel very smooth to me.

Final thoughts: This is a great piece which draws the reader into the world of grief, showing them how it feels when you lose someone you love. It's a really great piece of writing.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of You Wouldn't know  Open in new Window.
Review by Choconut Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi RainyDayNostalgia Author Icon

I've just read your poem, "You Wouldn't knowOpen in new Window., and I would like to offer this review, as part of "The Rockin' ReviewersOpen in new Window..

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Wow. The emotion in this poem is incredible. As I first read through, I continually found myself thinking how much I can relate to your words. I love this kind of poetry. It's my favourite kind to read, and you have done a really great job with this one. I think it's clever how you start out by saying all the bad things that are going on behind your smile and how much you struggle. You then move on to say the things that make living worthwhile. You end by saying that you're trying to feel better, and this is what you need to help you. I love the progression, from someone who is fragile and holding back from the ones she loves, to someone who is going to "bare her heart" and take a chance. I love it!

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This is a free verse poem, which is my favourite kind. I love how it gives you the freedom to bare your emotions so eloquently. I like the three refrains you use in this poem. I really like how you follow them all with longer lines, which give a little more insight into you. However, I would make those lines shorter. Even if you just split them in half, it would still work. As it is at the moment, it looks a little rough. When you read it, it's more like a piece of prose than poetry. Because the lines are so long, they lose some of their poeticism. That's not to say I don't think they're great; because I do. But I would shorten them a little.

*StarG* What I really liked: The emotion. I love these lines: "I live for / our quiet conversations, when the world seems but a distant memory." These lines really stood out for me. They describe so well the way it's the little, seemingly-insignificant things in life that really mean the most.

*StarP* Suggestions: This is a tiny point. The line, "what was once, our long walks at 3am." I love the words, but there shouldn't be a comma after once.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a great poem. The emotion had me from the start. I do think it could use a few tweaks, with regards to line lengths, but I absolutely love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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